I say “my” because people do not always share the same symptoms when having an anxiety attack. A friend of mine experiences shortness of breath, irregular heartbeats and has to lay down on the floor until it passes. My symptoms are a lot different but the feeling is the same. It feels like you are going to die, that there is no end to it and that you are trapped in a frightening limbo forever. Scary stuff.
I haven’t experienced an anxiety attack in a few months now, probably not since March or April, when my past relationship was drawing to a close. The stress of trying to make things work, whilst also studying for exams, and all the while working approximately 30 hours a week, took its toll on me. Today was the first time since then that it has occurred.
It starts off with an ache in my arms, muscle tension, and it feels like there are ropes attached to my elbows and somebody is pulling them from behind. The muscle tension then goes to my back and neck, and eventually into my legs. At this point it feels like I am totally bound by coils of rope, from my neck to my ankles, and all I want to do is spread out my limbs to break them. The tension is so strong that it actually causes me a good deal of pain. This is when my limbs are visibly shaking.
Another symptom that occurs is a feeling of being lightheaded. Not dizziness, but like when you stand up too quickly and it takes a moment for your head to catch up with your body. Coupled with this I experience a sort of tunnel vision, where I can still mostly see except for shadows in my peripheral vision. This passes quite quickly but all the while I am still aching from my neck down.
And, last but not least, the last symptom I get is the feeling of knots in my chest, like what you get in your stomach when you are nervous, only I can feel them in my throat and chest.
The whole event probably only lasts up to 10 minutes, as it comes on so gradually with the muscle tension and then it hits me with the rest of the symptoms. However, those 10 minutes are the longest of my life. I am frightened, I am in agony, I am confused. And what is worse is that I don’t tell anyone that I have these anxiety attacks. So the people around me don’t know what to do when they see the usually happy, foulmouthed, confident me go to pieces in front of them.
I am a firm believer in removing the stigma attached to mental health. But at the same time I can see why people choose to keep it to themselves. There is nothing worse than having an anxiety attack and not being able to tell anyone why. Because a lot of the time, and I can only speak for myself, there is no reason. It just happens. And by the time I look back on it I get frustrated that I got into such a state for what seems like no good reason. Stress? Well everyone feels stress at one point or another. I know this is a very reductionist approach, stress is a complex thing and is not totally black and white. As an undergraduate psychology student I should know better, but I still can’t shake the feeling that a no good reason like stress is giving me anxiety attacks.
This isn’t a pity post, this is a post in which I am attempting to tackle the issue and give it some scope. While typing this out I’ve managed to come to several conclusions in which I can help myself and the people around me.
The first is to go back to playing Roller Derby. Exercise does help, I’ve studied the science to back this up and I was at my fittest and happiest when I was skating. A knee injury put it on the back burner but I really think I need to get into it, for my physical and mental health.
The second is to actually tell my nearest and dearest what is going on. Give them an almost “what to do in an emergency” rundown of what to do if I am having an anxiety attack. It would make me feel better not having to run away, but also make them feel better too, that they’re not helpless to do something.
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