d e v o n
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Product Placement
Kiana Khansmith
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DEAR READER
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blake kathryn
oozey mess
NASA
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Game of Thrones Daily
wallacepolsom
we're not kids anymore.
Sweet Seals For You, Always
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
Show & Tell
i don't do bad sauce passes
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@ron-at-wit
Here we go again.
Slowly, some of my friends at college are realizing they are not straight. Some bi, gay, pan. Either way it feels like a repeat of high school. I mean good for people realizing what they are truly into, it’s just funny to stand back and watch people figure themselves out and open up about it. I love my friends haha
It’s okay I’ll keep being the 10%
Holy shit
Wow long time since. I know I know and I've been meaning to update my life. A lot has happened in many months. I'll give a proper update soon. The real reason for finally getting around to this is because I'm at a physically state of exhausted mixed with some booze aka a Nice French gin. It's the Fourth of July and I'm in bed before 1. Sad right? Most of the friends in this yurt have left, are asleep, or taking shots. People always say think before you speak. The thing is I do think before, hard to believe I know but recently I've been having these dumb thoughts with no backup. The bad thing is that I have these dumb thoughts yet still want to say them even though we all know I should t. It's a terrible idea but blow there's just these ideas brewing in my skull instead of passing by like they should
Funals
What a long week it has been starting Friday up to this point. A literal roller coaster. For starters Friday I found out my grandfather was put into hospice. As put simply - it's where you go to die. I knew it was coming but never so sudden. By Monday morning he was dead. Death is something we try to avoid thinking about, especially when it involves something or someone so close and involved in your life. He's always been there for me and has supported me in the decisions I make. He was a great man and now he's gone. There's part of me that wants to laugh but there's no easy way to go about it all. At the same time I had final crit for my studio class. It went very well - the reviewers (or as we call them critters) seemed to be on the same page as me and appreciated all the hand stuff. I will say the project was kidding some mouth stuff but I'll have to save that for another date. So at the same time as me getting 3 hours of sleep for about a week and working the rest, there's the thought of my grandfather dying, but having to power through the work because as everyone says that's what he would've wanted. I think now being that the mass is tomorrow, all the little things are hitting me like the fact that he's not sitting at the head of the table or in his leather chair. Obviously it will never be the same and no one can ever replace him. There will always be a place in my heart and mind for him. But like I said I know he would be proud of all the work that I'm doing and succeeding in what I love. Besides those two major things, I only have two more "finals" before I'm free to go off on my beach vacation with all the friends I've made in Boston. I think there are like 14 of us going? We rented a little house next to the beach for a few nights. I think it has potential to be a lot of fun or could go south. I hope it turns out really well. Then after that I should be back home for my little two week break. I know the home friends are trying to arrange another cabin trip. I really hope that works out. It's tough with everyone working being busy and trying to arrange schedules. An escape to the mountains with the friends would be very nice, especially because I never get to see them with me being in school for a very large part of my time. I miss each and every one of them the boys and of course the ladies. It's weird I haven't told any of the home friends about the family mishap but I guess it's not something you go out of your way to tell people. Tend to tell the people around when it happens. I definitely have not gotten enough sleep. I should do that. I think the last thing on my emotional to do list is of course the ladies. I have no idea what I'm doing with the ladies. Like I want to say I know what I should do but don't want to go about it or know how. I just want to hd her hand and maybe a smooch or two or just at least a hug. But how do I do that naturally and comfortably. And the ladies back home and golly just everything. That's all I'm going to say about it. Dumb dumb dumb dumb
This heart beats to hard to accomplish nothing but worrisome feels
//cats & boxes
are you fuckin kiddin me
you deserve someone who isn’t embarrassed to love you and tells all their friends about you and saves your selfies, whether they’re good or bad to look at when they miss you and loses sleep to talk to you and tells you how much they love you and how beautiful you are all the time and i really hope you find that one day because you deserve to be loved
I just want to talk to her but I know she's asleep and I"m not about waking her. Hopefully I'll talk to her soon. It is never ending mindless self induced roller case that will never end.
Just talk of her brings uneasiness. Not the best during these times of work needing to be done. Also it has been a while and I need to update because a lot has happened in the last few weeks. Good stuff for the most part. Alas I have much work to be done.
"I might not have the app but I am eye Candy Crushin hard"
Me laying in bed sweatin
I want blame you but I only have myself holding me back
The Different Genres of Jazz
The last few nights I've been thinking about writing my mind out mostly because I lay awake at night going over all of my thoughts. It's all reoccurring thoughts, nothing really that new. Whether it be thoughts about college, or friends, or ladies in my life. I mean technically right now there aren't any ladies in my life besides my cat obviously. Honestly though, they've all gone off to college slash live their lives and I'm happy for all of them. And even the non ladies, the guys/ the bros/ the male friends, they are starting a new chapter in their life. It can rough at times like this because I'm almost stuck in a state of limbo where all the friends are off and I'm still waiting to move on with college. It's only another week or so before I'll be back in Boston with the college friends and the crazy suitemates doing and accomplishing great things, but it's not here now which leaves me as per usual up late with no one home. If I had a dollar for every night spent home alone I could buy a lot of Arizona! Don't get me wrong, I love having the freedom of a house to myself, but sometimes eating alone and listening to loud electronic music gets stale. I can always find a heavier bass line but it cannot fill the empty space in my home. I realized earlier that I think I listen to music at a louder decibel when I'm home alone so my mind can't think it hears creaks and footsteps that aren't really there. And if it is, I get a good spookin' to interrupt the bass drop. Right so let's see I've been out of work for the last 2 weeks which has been nice being able to see everyone here at home before paths were forked. Shit in a week I have to pack. Fuck it.
Here's another fun thought that plays through my head. It contradicts itself with another thought like most of them do. I see my sister (yeah I got one of them a little bit older) going out and meeting boys and going on dates and having long duration relationships and I compare myself to that and on paper I look awful. I haven't dated, haven't been on dates, have no significant other to talk about with the grandparents, and no one to introduce to the fam like she has for the last maybe 10 years. Obviously that's a shitty way to look at it but c'mon I can only imagine what they are thinking. I can't imagine actually. Maybe it's something they don't think about. Sometimes I think about it because 1 time for I think Christmas my Grandfather gave me some money with a note attached that says "Spend it - Save it - Take a girl out. Have a good time." I mean that was years ago but I saved that note because of that message. I think I ended up spending it on computer parts. But these are the little things that kill me on the inside. In retrospect such thoughts are useless and do not benefit me inside, but that's one thing that eats away at me. And then of course I think about the rest of the shit going on in the world or just worst shit people I know go through and I'm over hear thinking about what my family thinks about in comparison to my sister's love life. Even to me that sounds ridiculous, but that is just one thing in my mind. Let's see what else is in there. I mean there is the ever reoccurring thought of my 5 year plan. It's something I try not to think about but always comes back to me. Some might call part of it unhealthy but it's a plan that has room for change, maybe a few dollars in quarters. Look it's something I give a lot of thought, I mean it's a 5 year idea that consists of doing college stuff and and I want to say liking a particular lady but it honestly stresses me more than it should. I can easily say I think about this girl daily and part of those thoughts is if she thinks about me. I want to give up on it all but there's something keeping me attached that I can't identify. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I barely know the girl, I see her maybe 4 times a year and I message her maybe 1 a week. I reach out and it all just leaves me wondering why. Why am I still attached? Why do I still try? What's holding me back from moving on? We're going on what I want to say year 3 of this jazz that's been playing on inside of me. It's someone I care about more than most but what's the end goal man. What am I really working towards. And that's why it's a 5 year plan or idea. I want to experience other things with ladies and such but don't feel anything any connection, nothing and that's not right. That makes all of that genre of jazz useless and wasted and no jazz should be useless. That goes for soft jazz, smooth jazz, acid jazz, cool jazz, modal jazz, and especially free improvisation. How awful does it sound to improv and it to be all for nothing. If this doesn't make sense to you it's because your bass line isn't heavy enough and it's all an anology for life. We improvise our lives. I say I have a 5 year plan just to be able to move passed it and you can see how well that has worked (it hasn't). With each daily improvisation, it's a wasted talented scat if it's not for something or even yourself. Maybe the jazz I play is for myself and no one enjoy the same genre. On the off note that's how it goes for my taste in music with my friends. I don't think any of my friends can appreciate the heaviest of bass lines in a Dillon Francis Remix of Suit & Tie by JT. Maybe it just seems extra good due to almost sitting on the subwoofer at this point. Bitches riding on the street ain't got shit on me right meow. But in all seriousness I do question if my daily improv is getting me anywhere towards an end goal. Qithout playing true to myself it all means shit but I think I'm afraid?? almost of what the outcome is going to be. I feel like I know what is going to happen and I'm going to miss out on certain opportunities to be involved with someone perhaps romantically because I have put my emotions in a basket that will either hold up or break within the next 5 years. The worst part is that these are key years in my life that help to define who I am for say the next 40? And that kind of goes for a lot of people. These next few years of my generation are key to our growth as human beings and I don't want to see anyone fuck them up. It can be tough to know what you want to do with the rest of your life especially now and that can be taxing on people. This is a rash though I mean I know what I want to do, I've known for the last 11 years. Now I just think about my future in other ways. There better be something good in my future after all the processing I give this. You know if this all sounds like whining or is getting old you can stop reading this anytime you want. I just need an outlet to write while I try to clear my mind even though I feel as if I have not accomplished much so far. Let's see what else we have going on.
Just a few music suggestions of things I've been listening to recently include Hucci, Frxxmasons, Downlink, Aphex Twins, Hatebeak, and Birds of Paradise. The list anywhere after this just get's crazy so watch it. I mean that alone is pretty crazy just proceed with caution and don't do that stupid shit where you turn the treble down and crank the bass. That's not how it's supposed to sound. Sloots be ruining good shit. Just had to get that out there. Also I still don't understand Spiderland (it's an album??)
Coming back to contradictions I'd like to say I know what I'm doing in life but the same time I have no idea. Also I feel like I had more to mention but I got nothing now. Besides I heard Aubrey Plaza saying her next movie is one of the first ZomRomComs and obiously she hasn't watched Coed and the Zombie Stoner. Yeah that's fucking right that exists. It has tits, zombies, weed, that annoying bitch character, and a crazy doctor that speaks French with reason. Definitely my new recommendation to watch. C'mon at one point the zombies are distracted from wanting to eat human flesh by their hunger for boobs and getting high. What a flick. It's funny, after all of this I still have contradicting thoughts about this girl. Pretty sure I could use some advise on what to do. Do I mention it all to her? This is something that I can't just move past and don't want to, I really do like this girl but feel as if I can't do anything about it. Please anyone give me some feedback. Also if you give any of those artists a try give me your thoughts. What a night.
I'm so I fit into your busy day..
raise your hand if you’re tired and sad and wanna make out with a girl
I'll take down your first line of defense with my strongest muscle. Think about it
Cherishables is Too a Word
There's one thing I like doing and would like to do more of but not knowing it's consequences and how it effects something else that I truly cherish leaves me in a perpetual paradox. Opportunities arise more frequent to do one thing than that with my cherishables but that isn't good enough. As much as I enjoy it and how good it makes me feel in the moment, I can't justify doing it. I cherish something else more and don't want something I enjoy to make me regret my choices in taking such actions. On might say one is treating them self but not at the cost of losing what one cherishes. So I'm perpetually singular stuck in a perpetual paradox. Great...
The worst feeling ever is not knowing whether you should wait or give up.
(via kimpoyfeliciano)
