Religious Trauma
TW ? for religion, religious trauma, homophobia, forcing religion + potential SH warning
Robin was never into religion practice or believing in any higher beings up in the sky or below the earth. She never thought it was worth her time, or that she needed to. Yeah, she respected other's religion, but she never wanted to be religious herself.
But, she came from a religious family. Her mother was christian, her father was atheist, this caused frequent arguments about religion and practices about it. Robin was often brought into these discussions by her mother, who tried forcing the idea of christianity and god on her. She'd avoid the conflict, sometimes she'd walk away or she'd leave the house before she got dragged into it.
Her mother was homophobic because of her religion, she thought it was sinful and always preached the bible & scriptures that represented "Homosexuality." Yeah sure, Robin believed in none of that, but it got in her head. She'd constantly overthink, "Am I a sinful creature?" "Am I wrong for looking at girls in certain ways?" "No, no... I'm not a homosexual."
She grew up always assuming homosexuality was normal, as sure it wasn't a discussed topic, but she never saw homophobia. That was until Robin's mother would talk about it once she turned 12, since Robin was supposedly reaching the ages of "finding herself."
Preaching scriptures, reminders that it's wrong to like women as a woman, telling her to never get in that crowd of people. So when Robin would look at women and smile a bit, she'd feel disgusted. She couldn't help it, she hated that she couldn't help it. She no longer felt normal about looking at girls that way, and it hurt her. She wanted to feel normal, not like a freak.
She would come home from school, drop her bags by the door, and run up to her room. She'd jump on her bed and curl up, crying in her knees as her arms wrapped around them. She'd swing back & forth, feeling like she wasn't... normal. Like she was a sinner, a freak, a weird creature, a disgusting pervert, and so much more. She'd get on her knees and pray to anything that could've been up there.
But she didn't believe in anything? She was never religious? She never practiced religion, she never prayed, she never believed in any beings up or below, so why? Why is she praying, begging for forgiveness from something that doesn't exist?
Because of her mother. Her mother convinced her homosexuality was wrong, that it was a sin to love someone. She let her get in her head and it messed with her.
She would degrade herself when she'd look at a girl, pray every night for forgiveness or change in herself. She hurt herself for sinning, to help god harm her for homosexuality. She cried for weeks, months even. She felt weird, she hated herself a lot.
Even still today, she doesn't fully accept herself. Parts of her still scream "Sinner!" "Freak!" "Queer!" and degradation for being a lesbian, but she tries to repress it. She tries to love herself, to accept herself, to encourage kids it's okay, even if somebody says it's not.
She distanced from christianity, fearful of christians. she never befriended christians because she assumed they'd try to "convert" her to christianity & heterosexuality, just like her mother did.
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should i continue?
