Okay, so like, instead of that incredibly OOC for everyone involved piece of shit Battle for the Cowl storyline, what SHOULD have happened in my EXPERT opinion is they all start fighting for it, whatever, fine, but then Dick is like, fuck it, who even cares, let’s just all be Batman. Except for Damian, because you’re short and wee so you’re stuck with Robin, sorry kiddo.
To which Damian, naturally, would snarl: How DARE you, Grayson, I AM THE blah blah blah, but then everyone points out that the Robin costumes are literally the only ones that fit him and its not like he knows how to sew, and he’s welcome to TRY threatening/blackmailing/bribing Alfred into making him a pint-sized Batman costume, but like……lol. Yeah. Sure.
And so Dick AND Jason AND Tim AND Cass because she exists, fuck you BftC, are ALL Batman. Yes, even Cass. Jason’s all, shouldn’t you call yourself Batwoman? And Cass just stares at him, dead-eye, and says I don’t want to. And I mean, nobody’s dumb enough to argue with Cass so its like alright, there are four Batmen now. Batmans? Whatever.
And it just confuses the ever loving FUCK out of the Gotham underworld and Rogues, because you’ve got a laughing Batman who freaking PUNS and a trigger-happy shooting Batman and a short Batman who talks and acts just like the real deal except WHY IS HE SO SHORT and a freakily silent Batman who just fucking APPEARS right next to your elbow more quiet and creepily than even the original one ever managed and two seconds later you’re down for the count and you don’t even know what the fuck just happened.
And in the dark, with them all dressed alike, crouching at just the right angles that its almost impossible to tell at a first glance how tall or built they each are, these four Batmen are just freaking EVERYWHERE and you run into one and its like gdi I’m so fucked but I gotta wait til they stand up or say something to figure out just HOW fucked I am cuz like, please let it be any of them but the Batman with guns and then its the freakily silent Batman and you’re like WAIT OH FUCK I CHANGED MY MIND GIMME THE SHOOTY BATMAN I WANT THE SHOOTY BATMAN!
And also, the only thing that’s ever really successfully bonded the Batkids in the past is the opportunity to fuck with people, so eventually, sometimes they start mixing it up and imitating each other’s styles just to REALLY mess with peoples’ heads, with Jason randomly cracking puns so they’re like oh phew, its the laughing Batman, and then Jason’s like LMFAO NOPE and whips out a grenade. And Dick actually CAN be quiet when he wants to, so he pretends to be the freakily silent Batman and just fucking APPEARS in a warehouse full of gunrunners and whispers “Boo” and then he just laughs his ass off when they all run screaming out the door, where Stabby Robin is waiting with his katana.
And on and on it goes until nobody knows up from down or left from right and you’ve got guys just laying down their weapons and sobbing I give up, like just at the SIGHT of any of them, because they’re so fucking confused and they’re like, maybe I can at least spare myself the headache of trying to figure out who the hell I’m even dealing with this time, look, I’m fucked no matter what anyway so what’s even the point.
And then finally Bruce comes back ‘from the dead’ or whatever that was, I stopped paying attention, something something time travel bat god Darkseid omega energy blah blah who cares.
And he’s figuring Dick has been Batman while he’s gone so he starts trying to get all caught up based off that assumption and THAT goes off the fucking rails pretty damn quick, and eventually he’s just scrolling through files on the Batcomputer like….wut?
And that’s when the kids all roar back in from patrol on and in their varying Bat-vehicles, to the sight of their supposedly dead father, and they’re all like….wut?
And Bruce stares at four different Batman and a four foot Robin who’s basically 75% ominous scowl and 25% bladed weaponry, and he’s like….wut?
And then Alfred comes down the stairs into the Batcave and stops and stares and is like, oh, my word. Y’know, all British-ish and stuff.
And then there are five Batmen.
It does not get less confusing for Gotham after that.
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