Caramel Machete

Come for the Bat-family feels. Stay for the bad literary puns. Fanfic writer. Only a little obsessed with Dick Grayson. 30+ years old. 

[grakkie]

HORWSE

[shozawayo]

Firm believer that Bruce Wayne has a "mom bag" he acquired when he took in a small Dick Grayson. Everything he thought a child might need was instantly added into the bag. First aid kit, change of clothes, snacks, drinks, books, toys, etc. I'm picturing him trying to figure out the best way to be prepared for a child without looking paranoid. He gets the idea after seeing a bunch of moms with their big purses. It'd be even funnier if he just never got rid of it. The image of a middle-aged Bruce pulling things out of his Mary Poppins bag and giving them to his teenage/adult kids is hilarious to me.

[dragonsrequiem]

Well, it's not like he can wear his batbelt. Where else is he going to hide a dozen gas masks, a first aid kit and meds, tissue packets, a spare Robin domino, a lockpicking/ manicure kit (multitasking at its finest), a bottle of clear nail polish, and assorted snacks? He's been through enough hostage moments to know that a hangry Brucie is likely to let something slip. And the kids? nOPE. His kids are not going hungry!

Alfred got him one by Coach, custom made with many pockets. Shame Brucie always just tucks his phone in the bottom...

[brucedefender4eva]

Alfred: Master Bruce… what are you doing?

Bruce: *putting out extra cookies and milk* I think… if I’m extra good… maybe Santa will let me see my parents for Christmas?

Alfred: *stunned* I- Master Bruce-

Bruce: *interrupting him with a pleading look* It doesn’t hafta be for the whole day! I… I just want one last hug, that’s all. I made sure to be extra good this year.

[xsmokexflamesx]

Then you remember that in Batman-Santa Claus: Silent Knight, Santa confirms that Bruce did write a letter wishing to see his parents again and it was the one wish Santa couldn’t grant.

[robs-your-robins]

Adam, Bruce Wayne’s Wayne Enterprises PA, has seen a lot of stuff in his short tenure. Mr Wayne isn’t as stuck up as most of the senior partners on the floor and he’s genuinely a pleasure to work with but Mr Wayne… he’s weird. Not in a pervy way or an eccentric billionaire. It’s just Mr Wayne says the strangest things and the weirdest coincidences just happen when he’s around.

Adam will often walk into Mr Wayne’s office and find one of his various children camping out in there while their dad is in a meeting. Sometimes one of them will be balancing on the back of a chair or doing front walk-overs across the desk. One of them will be using their dad’s computer, hacking it Adam suspects. Mr Wayne’s daughter just appears like a ghost but she’s nice, her blonde friend is a lot. One of the kids just comes in and waits, he has accidentally broken that same ornament on Mr Wayne’s office twice. One just seems to like spinning in the chair for dramatic effect. Most of them are behaved or at least keep their shennigans inside the office. They don’t bother him. The little one sometimes buzzes for a tea, usually with a set of precise instructions but other than that, they are pretty chill kids. They are just fucking odd.

Mr Wayne just has the weirdest conversations… with himself. Adam has opened the intercom or the door to tell Mr Wayne that his appointment is here to see him and just hear the tail end of conversations Mr Wayne is having seemingly with himself. “… can’t just drop everything, tear off this suit and go frolicking across the rooftops in broad daylight” is Adam’s favourite one. But one time he walked in while Mr Wayne was in the middle of saying “…I can’t just get Batman out of my life, he’s as much a part of me as-” only to cut off when he noticed Adam. Mr Wayne is clearly dating Batman and the vigilante is making uncomfortable demands of the sweet billionaire.

Adam has also witnessed Mr Wayne, clearly under the influence of medication, collapse in his office and just lie there in a heap, quietly muttering to the carpet. Adam, being worried about the boss, tried to help him up and asked him whether he needed a doctor only for Mr Wayne to refuse the ambulance and just ask Adam to let him nap here, right on this burberry carpet. Adam read him the reports while he dozed before getting up and making a call to Mr Pennyworth at the mansion who assured Adam that Mr Wayne was alright, he just hadn’t slept properly but Pennyworth will come and collect him.

Mr Wayne has called Adam his kids names, Mr Pennyworth’s name and once or twice, strangely as “Robin”. The office thinks that it is a joke on the boss’s behalf because you never see Mr Wayne without Adam, just like you never see Batman without a Robin. Adam doesn’t even correct him any more.

Mr Wayne hates the fancy luncheons that are held in the board room for important events. Mr Wayne’s idea lunch hour is spent in the office with the door locked and with a BatBurger Deluxe with barbecue sauce rather than ketchup, with Jokerised fries and a side order of Night-Wings. He doesn’t do anything but eat and watch some trashy reality show. He will take no calls, he isn’t to be disturbed unless his kids have “life threatening injuries”.

Adam will usually recieve any gifts Mr Wayne receives from brown nosers. Expensive wines, nice art work, dinner reservations, holidays to exclusive resorts. Mr Wayne will hear a description of it or views it and says that Adam can have it but only after Mr Wayne has it analysed ij the lab or vetted by “his guy”. Adam thinks its weird but hey, this is Gotham.

Mr Wayne is terrified of bats and any bat related insignia. No Batman themed mugs or paraphernalia are allowed in his eye sight because Mr Wayne will have a panic attack and will need to have one of his “lie-downs” which involves him laying on the sofa in his office with a cool cloth over his eyes with an aroma candle lit. Mr Wayne will get back to you when he’s balanced his humours again.

One time Mr Wayne spilled his espresso all over himself right before a meeting and gave Adam is car keys to fetch the spare in his back seat. Adam found the shirt, that and a travel Bat Suit but he just put that second thing back, hurried to get the shirt to Mr Wayne who looks very cagey now. “It’s a bedroom thing,” Mr Wayne admits in the silence. Adam just nods and backs out of the room.

[tubeon-deactivated20260110]

[asinglebluefeline]

Going crazy over here thinking about how the Renegade arc was about Dick getting out of the "I am the bad guy" self-loathing pit. How it was about having Sophia rely on him, and it preventing him from giving up on himself. And about never being able to teach Rose to do bad things, and instead guiding her towards empathy and self-worth. And how this all parallels Bruce's own musings about teaching Robins in Gotham Knights #10:

"In any case, there is no question that the inclusion of Robin changed everything for Batman. What was conceived as a lifelong exercise in active grief and vengeance became much more than that. You can plan your entire life as a response to — a lashing back at — disaster. But you cannot teach someone else to live that way. The very act of teaching changes the nature of what is being taught. Your students come with their own motivations for wanting to learn, so you do not teach them to acquire your wounds, you teach them what you did once you began to heal."

And how it's such a perfect set-up for Dick's eventual recovery BUT THEN THE HIGHER-UPS AT DC TOLD THE WRITER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY "NUH-UH, BLÜDHAVEN GETS BLOWN UP NOW :)" AND INSTEAD OF THE PLANNED RECOVERY THE SITUATION GOT A MILLION TIMES WORSE ARGHHHH

ahem

(also I like his silly half-cowl that has the shape of the Nightwing mask peeking out, like it's a metaphor for his true heroic self never being completely overshadowed by his failures)

[havenandart]

a study that i fully intended on posting with other studies weeks ago but then i didn't do the other studies and now i have this. anyways,

[batfam-belfry]

Dick. Why are you licking mystery substances off the ground. Stop.

[penandinkprincess]

parenting commitment level 3000

[penandinkprincess]

apparently a requirement for working at poison control is a talent for stand-up comedy

[uniquecrash5]

Oh hey tomorrow is Wolfenoot.

[injuries-in-dust]

Happy Woolfenoot everyone.

[finnegeanscake]

Knightposting this princessposting that WHO IS TILLING THE FIELDS

[dionysiaproductions]

You don't hear from the field workers because they aren't "posting"

They're serfing the internet

[trans-girl-nausicaa]

there are no serfposts because they were almost exclusively illiterate

[sonbr]

that doesn’t stop most tumblr users

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

your fave is problematic: Batman caught petting a seeing eye dog while it's working

from Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (1989) #157 (2002)

[lilaccatholic]

I got this while scrolling on instagram to try to convince me to join threads and I—

We did it. We finally saved her.

[reinanova]

[terror-billie]

[dictearchive]

[dependsoncontext]

[awed-frog]

thanks I hate it

[siderealsandman]

You Got a Friend In Horse 

[garrettauthor]

YOU DO NOT HAVE A FRIEND IN HORSE

[britcision]

You Got A Lotta Friends In Horse

[ailithnight]

CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT THOSE ARE NOT FRIENDS IN HORSE

[justanothercalamity]

#smh at cassandra spoiling the mood as usual

[nayomichy]

My take on skater boy Tim and his bf 🙏

[batsandbirdbrains]

Omg sad idea when Bruce decides to share his secret ID with the JL

He’s up on the watchtower, having scheduled a meeting with everyone. He said it was important, and that he’d be bringing Robin with him. Everyone was there, and they were passing the time by reading trashy tabloids and gossiping.

So Batman enters the conference room while they’re discussing the latest article about Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson. And Bruce immediately freezes, and he feels Dick go stiff where he’s hiding under Bruce’s cape, clinging to Bruce’s leg.

“Can’t believe he actually adopted the kid,” Barry says, flipping through the pages of the magazine. “It just went through apparently, did you hear? They added Wayne to his last name and everything.”

“It’s all a publicity stunt,” Hal snorts. “That kid is nothing but a tax deduction to him. I mean really, Brucie Wayne? A family man? I don’t believe it.”

Dick’s breath hitches, and Bruce starts grinding his teeth.

It’s when Dick lets out the tiniest of cries that everyone turns towards them, and Bruce tightens to cape to cover him from their view. Dick is used to hearing negative things about him, it’s a downside of going to Gotham Academy with kids who repeat everything their parents say. But he wasn’t expecting to hear things like that from superheroes who he thought were his friends.

“Batman!” they greet him. “You’re late! So what’s this big important meeting about?”

He can feel Dick tighten his hold on his leg, and Bruce feels awful. Dick had been planning a big surprise entrance where he popped out from under the cape. They were going to share their identities, and Dick was so excited.

And now he’s crying. And Bruce is pissed.

“I’ll be leaving, actually,” Bruce snaps. “My tax deduction is crying.”

Bruce turns on his heel and marches out, scooping Dick up in his arms to carry him back home. Everyone else is frozen in shock, looking between each other, confused.

“Why’d they call me a tax deduction?” Dick cries, squeezing Bruce’s neck and hiding his face. “What’s a tax deduction?”

“Because they’re morons, chum,” Bruce tells him, his voice tight. “Don’t listen to them.”

The others all heard it. He knows they heard it. And they’re all panicking as Batman leaves with Robin, all of them slowly realizing Batman just admitted to being Bruce Wayne, and that Robin is Dick Grayson.

Idk I saw the Rugrats clip where Stu says that about Tommy and Dill and I wanted to use it lmao