Ten ways to Annoy Tolkien Fans
Do any of these things, even as a joke, and a Tolkien fan will write you a seventy billion page long essay in defense of their precious series
1. Call Boromir “evil” or “the bad guy”
2. “WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST TAKE THE EAGLES???”
3. Call Lord of the Rings “a children’s book”
4. Insist that Tolkien ripped off JK Rowling (evil Dark Lord who is so terrifying people fear to say his name…in the LOTR books he’s even called “he who we must not name…a Dark Lord who puts his life-force into an inanimate object, is “killed” and loses physical form, but can’t be destroyed until that object/horcrux is destroyed…and the locket/ring/horcrux that hangs around the hero’s neck has the power to feel like a heavy burden and make them angry, solitary, and depressed, and make them push people away…and the object can only be destroyed using special magical means? HMMMMMM WHERE’D YOU GET THAT IDEA, MR J.R.R PLAGIARISM??)
5. Diss Tolkien’s world-building skills
6. Remind them that Gimil’s grandfather’s name was “Gróin” and
Celeborn’s name in the olden days was “Teleporno”
7. Call Elvish “a rip-off of Klingon”
8. Mention Tauriel. Don’t say anything positive or negative about her, just acknowledge she was a thing. Half of the fandom will explain why YOU’RE WRONG, she was such a great character, while the other half of the fandom will explain why YOU’RE WRONG, she was so horribly written and irrelevant
9. Remind them that Star Wars, Harry Potter, and even The Chronicles of Narnia are getting new film series/adaptations, but Lord of the Rings isn’t. “I suppose your petty series is irrelevant now,” you must say. Then cackle maniacally
10. Insult Samwise Gamgee. Go on, I dare you
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