clarity

rowan // maybe someday, you and i will be okay.

[rowankern]

You loved me for my body

It was obvious

You never complimented

Anything other

Than physical things

You liked about me

I never felt a connection

Other than our

Bodies being intertwined

My heart wanted yours

So badly

But that’s not what you wanted

That’s not what you loved

I couldn’t have even begged

For you to love me

For more than just my body

And I guess that’s okay

I just wish it was different

I don’t understand

How we could be so intimate

And you have no feelings

Other than wanting me in your bed

It’s okay

But I wish you had told me sooner

That love wasn’t what you wanted

All you needed was lust

Nothing more

And nothing less

It’s weird

That you can live like that

Because I crave emotional connection

I crave a soul bond

But all you care about

Is bodies connecting

Not minds

Or souls

And I guess that’s okay

I just wish it was different

[rowankern]

“he is the

exact poem

that i’ve always

been so afraid

to write”

[rowankern]

“i don’t know why

on some days

i feel like i’m drowning

in the waves of

what we used to be

i let myself

get so caught up

in our memories that it hurts.

it hurts so badly

because not only

do i feel submerged

in thoughts

that won’t go away

but i get so overwhelmed

by the fact that

you’ll never

look me in the eyes

and try to understand

who i am

and what we can be.

i don’t know why

i’m so intimidated

by the idea of

your touch on my body

or even your name

makes my hands feel shaky

at one point

i would have done anything for you

and now

even the thought of

making eye contact with you

sends shivers down my spine”

-i am so glad i no longer love you

[rowankern]

feelings compel

each and every

one of us

we find a way to cleverly

show our feelings

and those feelings

slightly overcome us

nightly i find myself

caught in a trance

of thoughts about you

you truly are the light

that lights up my life

and i am so intrigued

by everything you do

i am just so in love

with everything about you

and that’s the thing,

that’s really it.

once you fall in love once

there is no going back

because you get attached

to that feeling

and you never stop searching

for more and more life

it sometimes will even

take control of your emotions

and you will be left uneven

and lost in so many ways.

because although love is

so beautiful,

it can be very powerful.

[rowankern]

sometimes i wonder

if late at night

you think about me

because for the past

few days

i’ve been having trouble

falling asleep

and i’ve been told

that when you can’t sleep at night,

you’re awake

in someone else’s dream.

is that true?

have you been dreaming of me?

[rowankern]

if you’re reading this i want you to know that:

i spent months waiting

and waiting and waiting

for your name

to show up on my phone

just for one more glance

or for you to just call once more

and ask if i’m okay

i cried and cried

just hoping that

you could possibly be thinking about me

i felt crazy

because i was so obsessed with you

i just couldn’t get you off my mind

and i want you to know that

a bit of reassurance

would have been nice.

and to this day,

an exact year later

i still hope on some days

that you would just randomly

text me

or bump into me in the hallways

just to rehash

the feelings you gave me

that i just can’t seem

to let go.

if you’re reading this,

i want you to know

that you left scars on my heart

and you left broken memories

in my head

and you made me scared of

falling in love,

you ruined me to the point

where i didn’t even know

how to fix myself anymore,

i felt lost

so goddamn lost

and somehow i just had to

go on without you

[rowankern]

“these feelings

are overwhelming me

because i feel so strongly

about you

and each time we see eachother

my feelings for you

grow more powerful

and have control

over my emotions

i think about you

so often

and i can see your

green eyes

when i go to sleep

i love being around you

and seeing you smile

because you just

spark something

inside me

that gets me excited

to wake up each day

basically, i’m in love with you”

[rowankern]

you became more of a memory than a person and that fucked me up more than anything.

because after a little while, all i could remember was

seeing your brown eyes when i woke up

and i could faintly hear

your laugh before i fell asleep

i didn’t remember

what it felt like to

hear you tell me you love me

it’s like i lost all recollection

of who we were

and the feelings you gave me

and as our memories were

just slipping out of my hands

i couldn’t grasp them

no matter how badly

i wanted to hold them close to me

i had no other choice

than to just let go

of you

and grab ahold of myself

and although at the time

that seemed like

the hardest thing i’d ever have to do

it brought out a part of me

that i had never seen before

[rowankern]

“don’t get stuck

in the dark parts of life

don’t focus on the negativity

that is brought into your life

focus on the beauty

and all of the light

that shines over your darkness

because if all you ever

put your attention to

is distress and heartbreak,

that is what your life will reflect.

stop spending so much time

picking the bad side of good things

and begin to

love the world for what it is

and find the good things

in every situation.”

- love, just take my advice

[rowankern]

i know i deserve better

but when is that

‘better’ gonna happen?

cause i’m done wondering

if someone really likes me for me

or just for my looks

they tell me

“you’re hot, you’re gorgeous”

but are they saying that

about my body

or my heart?

cause goddamn i know

my heart is more beautiful

than my body.

if they would take a

short few hours

to just try and get to know me

maybe they could say

“you’re beautiful”

and mean my soul.

i just want something real

something meaningful

something that will

give me worth and fulfillment

i want to find someone

that i am comfortable with

that i can tell my secrets to

that i can jam to songs

in the car with

and that i can

grow with

someone that will

teach me new things

and give me new perspectives

i just want something more

than what i’m finding now

because honestly

i feel used

and every guy i’m with

makes me feel

more and more

alone

[rowankern]

“what about that night.

the night that everything hurt.

the night that your happiness was shot down.

the night that you no longer wanted to live.

the night that your body shut down.

those lights went off.

because you were ready to give up.

ready to stop loving yourself.

to stop loving the world.

that night was an unforgettable night.

tears poured down like rain.

crys for help became music in my ears.

music that no one else wanted to listen to.

a music that sounded more like a scream.

you were so torn up, so unforgiving.

you hated yourself, you hated love.

you hated what life was doing to you.”

[rowankern]

you don't deserve this. you don't deserve to wait for a text from him for days and days. you don't deserve to question if you're enough. you're so amazing and I want you to realize that you deserve everything. you deserve the whole universe and more. this boy you're so in love with is not worth your time. he's going to realize soon enough he lost this beautiful girl that could've given him everything. you'll be happy someday and you'll have someone new to hold you. you're the perfect sunrise in the morning that everyone is obsessed with. you're worth so much more than you think. please baby girl, know that you should be getting the whole world handed to you. you're a perfect person that was put on this earth for a reason. he isn't worth anything if he makes you feel alone and vulnerable. it won't last forever. believe me when I say I love you and so do the people that really matter.

[rowankern]

there will be times

when all you want to do

is give up on yourself

and on everything

you have been fighting for

you no longer

have the energy

to keep going

but i want you to know

that if you just push through it,

you will be okay.

you will finally be able to see

the light at the end of the tunnel

and things will start looking up

but you have to know

that you need to push yourself

to be positive

and see the better side

and at least try to love yourself,

it will help you heal.

[rowankern]

you’re the reason why I’m scared of love.

I loved you

and you left

but you blamed it on me

and now I’m left here

all alone

with thoughts making

my head fully chaotic

and I really don’t think

that love is real,

I think it is all synthetic

it hurts,

it hurts so much.

it feels like i can’t breathe

and i’m drowning under water,

submerged in thoughts

that are screaming at me.

i’ve been holding on

to some out of control hope

that you and i will end up together

but i don’t think that’s true

it’s like love is all made of plastic

pre-made in machines,

ready for complete destruction

a ruining of your heart,

your thoughts, and

the people around you

love destroys you

it rips you apart and

stabs every soft part

you have

but for some reason

we keep doing it

because for a small amount of time

love can make you feel safe,

happy.

completely and utterly happy.

and now

in reality

i feel alone

like i’m wandering

streets i’ve never even been on

looking for a purpose,

one that isn’t you.

[rowankern]

“my heart hurts for

the girl i was a year ago.

the girl that begs that boy

to stay with her

and the one that cried every night

wondering why he didn’t love you

goddamn my heart aches

for the girl that

can’t seem to fall in love with herself,

but has fallen hard for

that green-eyed boy

that is intriguing in every way.

my heart hurts for her

because all that she was doing

was putting so much effort

into a boy that won’t

even try for her.”

- love yourself, not him

[rowankern]

[rowankern]

Puppy love

our love was sweet

and it was

an innocent kind of feeling

that makes your stomach turn

and your smile feel 10x brighter

it’s short, simple love.

you feel as if everything

is exactly how it’s supposed to be.

days seem to go by so fast

they all just become a jungle of memories

and if you were to put all those

memories in a jar

they would be labeled

“the best days of my life”

they were pure and exciting

but our love was not pure

it was small and silent.

our feelings were crazy and fun,

but it was only puppy love.