“D”
Roxette doesn’t inspire me anymore. What was the most important standard in my life, is just a skip button. A lot is happening, and yet I didn’t do anything about it. Didn’t even read anything.
I don’t feel like writing anymore. Social media seems too fake and plastic. Is this a phase? Of course it is - it has happened before, it is happening to me right now and it is definitely happening later as well.
But this stress, this phase of the taboo “D” word - depression - it gradually takes over. Initially you fake it well and then you lose it. Sometimes it stays there for long and sometimes you manage to dissolve it within.
This happens when you don’t know what you want to do, or what you’re doing is right or wrong. Sometimes you know what you’re doing is wrong, but you just want to keep on doing it. You don’t know what the consequences are, and yet - it gives a satisfaction which bothers later.
Sometimes you trust people, and then later realise whether you did the right thing or not? Yes - you tell yourself that what’s done is done, but why does it keep clicking back?
Why are you so afraid to fail? Why are you so afraid to get your heart broken? Why are you so afraid to lose? Why are you so afraid to get rejected? - Motivation? Why is it easy to motivate others and so hard to do the same yourself?
Why is the feeling of losing a person, a reason, a realisation, a dream.... So painful?
I know a lot look upon me, but right now, I feel so low, so demotivated, so depressed and so uninspired - I know I have a lot within me, but I’m afraid, lost and unable to take steps for myself.
Is it a phase? Of course it is. It’s gonna go away!
There is too much to be thankful about. Look around - but God, why does the negative aspect win? Why? Just why?
I love being happy and positive, I love to bring happiness and bring positivity around. I think I need my time and space, and time gives answers or makes you understand how important something is or should be.
Maybe I’m getting old and the feeling of not achieving or being so directionless is bothering me! Of course, you don’t get everything which you thought of having - but it shouldn’t bother.
I’m not a writer, not an intellect - so bored that when someone says something, and to not argue, disagree and fight, I’d simply say “you’re right”.
No matter what - if you want to be motivated, if you want to do something in life, I’d guide you, boost your spirit, no matter how big a failure I have been over the years. I’d fill you up with positivity, even if I feel like trash! You’d look upon me - but I won’t look up to me!
This is a phase, and I hope to get out of it! There are a lot of things to get happy about, to be thankful about. I still believe the world is a beautiful place. Sometimes it’s sunny, sometimes it rains. And I truly believe there is no such thing as “everything around me is wrong” - we’re just humans, who unfortunately forget that between too many rights, only a few things go wrong - and it’s OK.
The influences matter. Sometimes it changes your whole life. Sometime it leaves this big black mark which needs time to heal or grow within.
Love is so much more than what you think it is. And indeed everything needs a little rest.
It’s Roxette Diaries, and that’s a pity that I made it sound like something else today! But I feel ligh after pouring out a little by being mainstream - sounds crazy anyway!
Love and Peace
5/5/2019