Corrin: Are you having retainer problems? Are they too clingy? Reckless? Or are they just plain crazy? Hi, Corrin here with a fantastic new invention! Introducing, the Retainer Restrainer!
[Cue a lovely rotating shot of a baby gate]
Corrin: Now you can keep your retainers from doing things they -and you- would regret! It’s easy! Just place your retainer inside, and the Retainer Restrainer does the rest for you! But don’t take just my word for it! Listen to these satisfied customers!
Leo: My retainer? Out of control. But thanks to the Retainer Restrainer, I’ve gotten him to stop trying to sleep with everything that breathes!
[In the background, Niles winks at the camera]
Hinoka: My retainer just can’t seem to keep herself out of trouble. But ever since I got the Retainer Restrainer, I can rest easy knowing that she’ll stay safe.
[In the background, Setsuna has her head stuck between the bars]
Elise: My retainer is just so strong! I was so worried that she may end up hurting herself or others on accident! But now, the Retainer Restrainer has everything under control!
[in the background, Effie bends open the bars, leaves, returns with a loaf of bread, and bends the bars back.]
Corrin: Amazing! But the Retainer Restrainer works on more than just retainers! Use it for your unruly children! Your siblings! Even use it for your evil father! The possibilities are endless! But wait! There’s more! Order now, and we’ll throw in the accessory as well, absolutely free!
[Corrin holds up a sign that reads “Gay Baby Jail”]
Corrin: You can get your own full size Retainer Restrainer as well as the Retainer Restrainer Accessory for just three easy payments of 2000 gold! Call now!
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