[rrainbow-veinss]

This devastating season is no doubt the most important thing I will ever go through. I don’t mean to be cliche, but these trials and tribulations I am currently going through, and have been going through, is no doubt the most important season of my life. And the second most important thing is REALIZING that. If I got what I wanted three years ago, I would have never developed the faith I have today. It took the cultivation of the last 3 devastating years to realize that faith is not bred in blessings. It is not bred in fruitfulness. It is not bred in success, it is not bred in contentment, it is not bred in the easy. Faith is bred when you have nothing left in you. When you’re devastated, you’re hopeless, you’re confused, you’re lost, you’re angry, you’re tired, you’re jealous -but you STILL TRUST in Him, and seek comfort and understanding every single night when you pray about it anyway. If you’re crying, do it while still being faithful. If you’re angry, do it will STILL being faithful. If you’re broken, be that and ALSO faithful. Faith is strengthened, nurtured, watered in times like this. If you never had any reason to grow in, to trust, to nurture your faith, it would never do anything. It’d sit there like a toy on the top shelf, collecting dust while the battery slowly dies. Perhaps God is delaying blessings and putting me in this season BECAUSE He knows that if He gave it to me, it would separate me from Him. And there is no doubt in my mind that if I had every blessing I ever asked for, I’d never come to KNOW Him. I’d never work on my faith, I’d never care to grow that relationship. Why would I? I have everything I could ever want. I truly believe this season of my life, these deep struggles I’ve faced, is so I can FIND Him. Not so I can be angry and question Him, but so I could seek comfort, grow my faith, and praise Him regardless of my own understanding

And at the end of the road, if our blessing (by my own opinion) never comes, and His plan for us is something else, and I went through all this pain and suffering just to come out with no “blessing” (by my own opinion) at the other side of it, I’d still say all of it was worth it. Because even if this devastating season doesn’t end with the blessing that *I* may personally want for myself, maybe the biggest blessing of all is that I GET to walk closer with Him at the end of it.

Thank Him for the opportunity and put all your faith in Him. Use this as a time to nurture your faith.

[rrainbow-veinss]

Never in my life have I felt heartbreak this bad. Failing the first time was hard, but this feels like your heart being ripped out of your chest and stabbed 32 times with a knife then ripped to shreds. And that’s right after it grew about 10x larger because you finally got the miracle you never thought you’d see. The moments you finally got that you never thought you’d ever get to share with the people you love the most.

Take that first fail and remember why you kept going. Thank God for the opportunity to revel in bliss if only for just a few days because you never thought you’d ever get to do just that. Trust in His plan even though you don’t understand it right now, and seek comfort in Him that He will get you through this. The hardest part is over, now all you have to do is keep going. And know you’re never alone.

[rrainbow-veinss]

it failed. And the biggest thing I’ve learned in the past 8 hours is that in times like this, the only thing I should be doing is leaning on God and remaining faithful in his plan. No anger, no confusion, no resentment. No stomping my feet or throwing a pity party. It failed, and that’s okay. we thank God for the opportunity, have faith, walk closer with him, and keep it moving. Have the courage and bravery to keep the hope alive even when it feels like it’s all crumbling around you. And have the mindful perspective that this *thinh* is not the center of your existence and life goes on regardless of how the story ends. The sun will set, the moon will rise, the moon will set and the sun will rise again. No matter what happens in the seconds in between. Like damn, didn’t we JUST go to the moon? If that taught us anything, it’s that nothing is earth shattering.

Know that you are blessed beyond belief to have the opportunity you did and still do. You can do hard things, all the time. Keep the faith and trust that He knows more then you ever could, and he’s right 100% of the time. So until He opens that next door, praise him in the hallway.

[rrainbow-veinss]

seven months later and all I have to show for it is more heartbreak and a feeling so numbing that it actually takes the weight off. something so freeing about closing one door and leaving all the denial behind that came with it. I hate the phrase “you can do hard things” but there’s really nothing truer. When I complain, my go-to move is resistance. I’ll say “how do I even do this? How am I even gonna get through that? I can’t imagine how I’ll ever do something that hard?” And my mom responded to all those questions 6 years ago (when I REALLY thought my life was falling apart) with “you don’t have to know how you’re going to get through it, you just have to know that you’re going to.” That’s it. That’s the story. You don’t have to know how you’ll ever be able to muster the courage to do something, you just have to do it. And do it scared. (I hate that phrase too but there’s really nothing truer.) and when it’s all said and done, be proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished and the courage you showed, makes you feel like a real fuckin badass. Cause you are.

Trying to remain grateful through it all, and accept that this journey is never one I’d wish on my worst enemy or never thought I’d ever go through, but remembering to trust that there’s a reason we’re walking this path, and to be grateful through it all.

[rrainbow-veinss]

Two years later and I still got the same damn gripes. So let’s just go over some of them. I don’t know what to say about children, I really don’t. I know I want it and I know it’s not happening, and that really fucking hurts. I never thought I’d be this person but God has an interesting plan for us I guess. I try to remain grateful for everything that I have and everything He’s given me but damn, every month I feel smaller and smaller. And then I build myself back up, piece by piece, as the days go on, just to feel small and broken again. But alas, we persevere. Right? I guess we have that label that I never thought I’d have, be the subject of whispers and hush talk that I know I’ve done to others. But you really can’t make it about other people cause then how will you ever live your fucking life? Still not quite sure what I’m looking for, and whether it’s deep, real and genuine or just my ego bruised. But all I know is that it fucking hurts. Okay, moving on. I don’t foresee us talking until you get pregnant or married (if even at all) because…what else is there to talk about? We don’t have anything in common, we don’t relate to anything in each other’s lives, I quite frankly don’t agree with your life choices or the way you live your life, so keeping you at a distance is all I know how to do anymore. For 10 years you came to me when your world ended 156 different times for 156 different guys. And now that your world hasn’t ended in the past few years, the phone has stopped ringing. But, hey, life goes on. And if you end up making more money than me for doing 1/14th the work, well then I hope you’re truly happy inside. (But I know you’ll never be). This isn’t a gripe but more of an update that my 11 month old giant rescue puppy is a menace, but when we lock eyes I know he’ll be my biggest heartbreak to date. Oh, and no more stuffed animals for you. Work luckily hasn’t changed, except for the fact that I don’t really care to retire there like I wanted to 2 years ago. Marriage is work but it’s worth it, and having a best friend built into it is pretty fun. I feel that having a grateful heart is probably the most important thing I can focus on in my life right now so let’s try to do that, so in 2 years when I come back, if things are still the same I can at least tell you that I’m grateful for it all.

[kristinconway]

Stay with someone who can always love the worst in you—but still brave enough to remind you that you have a lot of growing up to do. Stay with someone who can always love your wilted parts—but still patient enough to walk with you as you slowly bloom, and finally meet the better version of yourself. Stay with someone who can always love your weak spots—but still mindful enough to tell you that it’s okay to distant yourself from everything and everyone, because you need to work on being strong on your own.

Stay with someone

who can always love

your dark yesterdays—

but still willing

to take a thousand step

for a brighter tomorrow

with you.

—Aaron Arciaga

[remanence-of-love]

[rrainbow-veinss]

See here’s the thing about life. When you don’t have any money, you think “Man, once I start making real money, life’s gonna be better.” When you live in a shit hole, you think “Man, once I move into a nice house, life’s gonna be better.” When you don’t have any kids, you think “Man, once I have a kid life’s gonna be so much better.” Life’s gonna be easy, gonna be more fulfilling, life’s gonna be….good. When in reality you’re not only wasting away your life living in the future, but you lose all gratitude for your life. Okay, you have money. But what about MORE? Sally next door makes double what you make. Okay, you have a nice house. Oh, but Susie across the street’s house is SO much nicer than mine. Okay, you were blessed with children. Oh, but the lady at the grocery store with her two toddlers were SO well behaved. The thing about life is that it’s never going to be enough. And if you don’t not only accept that fact, but start being grateful for what you have, you’re not only going to be miserable but you’re going to live a very ungrateful life. Because the truth is that someone is always going to have more than you. Have a nicer house, drive a nicer car, have more money, have a “seemingly” better marriage or better life. You could live a life for 30 years wishing that you had more, that you could have what someone else does, but then you have lived a life for 30 years without a single ounce of gratitude. My biggest fear is looking back in 30 years and realizing I wasted the entire time just gawking at what other’s have and wishing that I had more. My biggest fear is looking back in 30 years and realizing that I never appreciated any of it.

[rrainbow-veinss]

You know what they WEREN’T kidding about? Quarter life crisis. I think when people refer to that term they’re talking about not having direction, feeling inadequate, unsure of where their future is going and overall just feeling stuck. But what about the people who (luckily) don’t feel any of that, but instead feel like they’re somewhere between twenty something and thirty something? What about the people that constantly switch between desperately wanting a family but also desperately wanting to run away to Vegas and pay $20 for an ounce of clear liquid that makes you gag? One day I want a child to take care of and the next day I can barely even take care of myself. One day I want a positive pregnancy test and the next day I want…the complete opposite. I’m somewhere between wanting a house, preparing for retirement, saving for a down payment, and barely taking care of myself,spending thousands on VIP tickets to a music festival. (Just…don’t even ask.) and planning spur of the moment trips. I’m somewhere between wanting a family but wanting freedom to do whatever the f*ck I want. Somewhere between wanting to settle down, embrace the slowed down family life with kids, and wanting to just…well, do whatever the f*ck I want and when I want. Spend my money how I want, go on trips how I want, and consider very, very few people in the decisions that I make. That’s nice. That’s….young. I’m somewhere between seeing twenty-something’s and feeling apart of their world, and also seeing thirty-something’s and feeling part of their world. When in reality I’m not apart of either. I roll my eyes at people in their early twenties but also find myself bumping elbows with them when I feel like pretending like I’m apart of their world. I have conversations about mortgages, down payments, investing, retirement with people in their thirties but know I don’t really feel apart of their world…either. So what world am I in? I want to raise a family, but I live in a shithole. I want a house, but barely even have an emergency fund. I want kids, but I also love my freedom. I simultaneously want to live a carefree life with no real restrictions while deeply, deeply longing to move onto the next stage of my life that would be full of restrictions. Maybe you’re never truly ready to settle down, maybe one day it just happens and before you know it that carefree, restriction-less life is over. That sounds a lot like saying goodbye to a life. That sounds like something you’d have to mourn. Right?

[rrainbow-veinss]

Man, I guess the saying “bad mental health day” (or a string of days, week, etc) isn’t just a dramatic catchphrase after all. What, you thought you were immune to depression? mental health problems? I never understood when people said that phrase or referred to a string of days/weeks being a hard mental health time, and they never further explain beyond that and what it exactly means. But I guess it means when you can’t think of a single fuckin’ thing that would make you feel better so you just….do nothing and just live with the dark cloud above you. I guess what it means is feeling like nothing is going to get better but also feeling like nothing is necesarily going to get worse, either. What could I possibly have to complain about, for once I’m not too sure. And I don’t think my mind likes that. Sheesh, I guess mental health is real after all. I guess what it means is feeling like you don’t want to go to work, but you don’t want to have a day off. You don’t want to go to the gym, but you don’t want to NOT move your body. You don’t want to watch your favorite shows, it but you don’t NOT want to watch your favorite show. You love doing nothing but hate being bored. I always thought depressive episodes looked like tears streaming down your face and calling to talk to your loved ones for support, dwelling on something that has happened in your life to lead to those tears. But honestly, I think the worst ones are the ones where you feel sad and numb and don’t really have a real reason why. The ones where you don’t want to do anything but you also feel like you NEED to do something. The ones where you force yourself to think about all the good things in your life that you should be grateful for but none of them even come close to making you feel better. The ones where you wish you could just call a timeout and take a break from just existing. Cause for some reason it feels a bit hard to even do that. I think THESE are the bad mental health days they might be referring to, and if they aren’t, then I think I found what it means for me.

[rrainbow-veinss]

Still January. Why does January always feel so long? 2022 started off horribly heartbroken over a dog that was supposed to live forever. Over a year later and I’m just starting to think about it and….not crumble to pieces. Wouldn’t wish that kind of pain even on my worst enemy. A las, 2022 started off in a loud arena with thousands of people all screaming the same songs. Yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m still not over that feeling. The thousands of people when COVID is still a thing probably explains why I left San Diego with the absolute worst flu/COVID/whatever and yeah….I still lied about it and worked for free through it. In 2022 I tried and tried and tried to snowboard and I think I can kind of do it without falling. Sort of. In 2022 I found the wedding dress of my dreams which was actually two, stitched together to make one (very expensive) Frankenstein dress. And it was with no one other than my best friend of 20 years. In 2022 I acted like I was 22 on a night out, the kind where you lose your voice, make friends with strangers, get Jell-O shots all over your hands. Oh yeah, and used the mens restroom. Relax, it was only to wash my hands. (Then got in trouble for it.) In 2022 my parents FINALLY came to visit this small ass town that no one understands the allure of. And maybe after seeing it, they hopefully got at least half the gist. Lots of eating, lots of wine and a whole LOT of small talk, but my heart was the fullest it’s been in a while. In 2022 I worked over 1500 hours for fucking free, and I really need you to let that sink in. In the midst of the daily 9-5 M-F, the weekends were filled with restaurants we loved, snowboarding, sleeping in, binge watching, family gatherings. In 2022 I somehow managed to surprise my mom on Mother’s Day and it was worth every single penny of what it costs (but it was actually nothing…thanks dad). But if it was eight million dollars I’d do it all over again just for the feeling. And even if it was eight BILLION dollars I’d definitely do it again just to hold a dog you love so much, so tightly as you say goodbye to it. Without a doubt the most valuable week of leaning on your loved ones and letting them lean on you cause damn, we needed each other.

In 2022 I fucking GRADUATED fucking PHARMACY SCHOOL..oh ya and did that shit with honors. I guess the year-long set back and biggest life lesson still ended up at the same finish line….with your best friend, fiancé, and rest of your family cheering you on when you crossed that line. (Okay, technically a stage.) Then we ran away to Vegas to celebrate and it was everything you thought it’d be. Then instead of going home we went to fucking Disney world and walked 30,000 steps for 4 days straight, out ran other adults (and children), took a ton of pictures, rode a ton of rides, and spent way too much on disney themed snacks. Leaving before sunrise and getting back MUCH after sunset is what I’ve wanted to do with the loml for….well, ever. In 2022 I planned an entire fucking wedding and went to lakes that were 10% full, camped a few weekends and realized it’s not so bad….but loud neighbors with large speakers DEFINITELY sucks ass. In 2022 I studied for 9 hours a day for 60 days and didn’t think it would amount to anything. Last year my fiancé dragged me to a concert I didn’t want to go to because putting my head in a book seemed like a better idea. But alas, it was not, and it was the best night and still the best memory ever. And every song from them reminds me of that. Last year I finished one of the most important tests of my life and cried in the parking lot after for 45 minutes to the point where you have to mobile order chick fil a instead of drive thru because you couldn’t let anyone see you. Alas, after waiting for weeks that felt like years (and looking back I remember it as seconds)….you pass and get a score of 112. Don’t ask how it happened, I don’t know, I still doubt it, but we move on. In 2022 I took a second test where I almost got turned away cause I was wearing a sweatshirt and had two middle names. But Alas, I finished that too and again flew to Vegas to escape my problems and cry to my mommy. But not after a 6 hour delay! Damn, could’ve drove there in that time. Oh yeah and passed that test too.

In 2022 I had a bachelorette party in San Diego with a small group of girls that made it the best weekend ever and saying thank you to them will never be enough. I could write a novel about it but all I’ll say is that it was fuckin fun and the best memories. In 2022 I went to Dallas and attempted to two step with my fiancé and best friend and damn was it fun. Last year I went to Vegas, again, for I think the third time? Where we sat in another arena with thousands of people and all same the same damn songs. Oh yeah, and spent a lot of money to hangout at a pool all day but it was pretty damn worth it still. Perhaps one of the most monumental things is that somewhere in the midst of all the craziness after getting licensed….I got a job. A career. That was so graciously offered to me only through divine timing which is explained by nothing other than the big man upstairs. In 2022 I *almost* worked night shift but once again, timing was everything (Only through God) and I managed to escape that. In 2022 I felt incompetent and stressed, but knew that every day if I just got one percent better than maybe in a 100 days it wouldn’t feel so scary. In 2022 my fiancé and I drove 10 hours to (practically) the Oregon border to camp in a truck bed and hike 10 miles and it was worth every single second. Doing that road trip is hard in a turnaround time of 2 days but I look back more  fondly than ever and even more happy we made that decision.

2022 ended with a new puppy that is sickeningly cute but my heart still has reservations. It ended with a wedding that was worth every single second of planning, every tear from stress, every rant about xyz, and every…single…penny. It was the most beautiful ceremony and fun reception and not having a single regret is all I wanted. Oh yeah, and I got to marry my best friend too. Which made me realize that being anything other than your wife and you being my husband just doesn’t feel right and doesn’t  make sense. Isn’t that what getting married is all about, anyway? Things finally feeling right. What a perfect end to a year that was filled with the most accomplishments you could possibly ever fit in one year, and I think I’ll always say that. Like, for the rest of my life. When you graduate, pass your boards and become a licensed Pharmacist…then become a whole ass wife? Yeah, I think this year will be the one we talk about for a while. There’s really only one other big accomplishment left and one day hopefully I’ll dust the keyboard off and write about that too.

[rrainbow-veinss]

Well…here we are. I don’t want to talk about how much it took to get here but maybe we should so then I’ll shut the f*ck up and be proud of how far I’ve come. Then again, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Remember that no one else’s journey should matter to you and your path is unique and different (always has) and I know there’s a damn good reason for it. All you can do is try your damn best and remember at the end of the day that THAT is what matters most. And regardless of whatever the outcome you should still be so damn proud of what you’ve done to even have the opportunity to walk into those two centers. I know you want it bad and can practically taste it, and envision it in your head and tear up when you even think about it but know that He always has a plan for you and if it’s not now, then sit back, be thankful regardless, and PRAY. I sure as hell know that no matter what that everything ends up a-okay in the end. I’m living proof of it, 50 million kajillion times over. And most importantly…..this is not the end of the world. There is so much in life to be thankful for, to look forward to, to find the GOOD in. I know you’ve worked so hard for this moment but if it’s not right now, maybe it’s a lesson to focus on what else is going on outside that clusterfuck career and school obsessed mind of yours. You are so incredibly blessed, every single day, in so many different ways, and you should be GRATEFUL and ENJOY that. ENJOY what’s happening in your life because every part of it is precious, even the transition and lull parts and the ones where you feel like you’re just still on your journey to becoming “something”. You’ve been there before and it gave you some of the most amazing life experiences ever. Were they amazing and fun and awesome? Not really….but they taught you something, something that I’m 99.9% sure you wouldn’t have learned if you didn’t go through it. Know that you are already something. Already worthy. No piece of paper in the mail dictates that. You’ve done the work, now pray about it. And most importantly be GRATEFUL for the opportunity and PROUD of yourself when you walk out of there —no matter what those white pieces of paper say in the mail. And if you fail, get back up again. And again. And again. What, you came this far to only come this far?

[rrainbow-veinss]

You better hold on cause there’s about to be a million tangents that don’t have anywhere near enough periods to separate them. Not to mention I just deleted over 2000 old posts from 2009 so I’m on some shit now. If anyone, anyone at all...out there....is reading this...who also followed/knew me in 2008....I want to formally apologize to you. You might be entitled to financial compensation.

In my last post I didn’t have a doctorate degree but now I do. Funny, right? Weird how you walk across a stage and now you got this piece of paper that says you did something cool and worthy and admirable. They aren’t kidding when they say you blink and it’s over. Cause when I opened my eyes again, I was back at home studying for the two most important exams of my life and it was just a memory and a bunch of photos on an iPhone. Life’s weird. But vegas and disney world was damn near picture perfect too but alas, those are just memories too now. I think that’s okay, though, because it’s proof that everything passes, no matter what, so enjoy it whilst you can and be grateful. look back fondly. I could write a novel about graduation but we’ll keep it sweet and somewhat sentimental. In 2015 before I got my bachelor’s, I walked into a pre-med counseling office to talk to someone who could help me make a schedule to take the classes I needed to apply to pharmacy school. I was one semester away from graduating and had mediocre (at best) grades --but a dream’s a dream, right? She sat down with me and half way through she told me that considering my low grades and how behind I already was, how long it was going to take me to get to pharmacy school --picking something that wasn’t in the medical field would just be better for me. Well bitch...who’s laughing now? Actually, still you, cause I have a mortgage for a debt and I don’t think you do cause your job was a school counselor. I wonder when I need to start paying that. But I’ll end it like this (probably my most insightful conclusion from this event)....I think if that little 15/16 year old girl full of angst back in 2008 and 2009 who wrote those 2000 posts that I just deleted, who stayed up til 4am on tumblr talking to strangers on the internet, the girl that BARELY passed high school (honestly shouldn’t have been given a degree), the girl whose biggest dreams for herself were to meet john o’callaghan and probably, maybe, just *barely* get a bachelor’s degree. if someone told her that one day she’d grow up to be the woman who has accomplished what I have....I think she’d be confused as fuck cause she never believed that she could even amount to something so big one day. But I think I made that girl proud. I KNOW I made that girl proud. And out of everything, I think that idea, that concept, makes me feel the most proud and sentimental.

One of the biggest problems with being an empath (I already hate where this is going) is that I find myself getting too, too, TOO wrapped up in my friend’s or just other people’s lives. I have to remember that the people they date, the people that break their hearts, betray them --hurt them...should not affect me as if they are doing it to me. A lot of the times it feels like I date the people they date, I get betrayed by the people that betray them, I get hurt by the people that hurt them. I am enthralled in the drama that goes on in their lives and you have to remember that in order to keep the peace in the space between your ears, and the peace between your ribcage (or is it technically inside? I got a PharmD, not a MD) you probably should have a line to differentiate that what these people do in their lives does not affect you --cause it’s not your life. It’s not your lesson to learn. It’s not your heart to protect. It’s not your choice to make. It’s not your place to be mad, to be hurt, to do or be ANYTHING. Do what you can and should do to protect your own peace and remember that carrying the emotional turmoil, grief, nerves, anxiety, heartbreak, confusion, betrayal of your friends is not your job. In actuality....you’re just doing a disservice to yourself.

And about that plus one thing...just know that you give it to them for THEM, not for you. If people are gonna spend thousands of dollars to celebrate you for one day --maybe they should be able to bring someone without you being such a fucking bitch.

Oh yeah, and that thing you’ve been studying 7 hours a day for the past 3 weeks and next 3 weeks for...you know all too well what life and timing and God’s plan is really all about. All you can do is your best, and yes, how incredibly fortunate you are to have people that are relying on you, but at the end of the day it is your life, your story, your journey, and whatever choices other people make is perfectly justifiable and guess what? your life still goes on regardless. Do the work. Do your best. THAT is the only thing in your control.

[rrainbow-veinss]

If I had a penny every time I’ve said the phrase or talked about “May 2022” I could’ve paid off my debt by now. My last post I mentioned going into my last rotation, and having it end last Friday and walking away with an offer is something I could’ve only dreamed of. But just like that rotation and everything else, it came and it went. I counted down the years, months and weeks for “May 2022” or “first week of may” or “mid May” and every time I did that, the pedestal got a little bit higher and the expectations got a little bit bigger. So now that I’m finally here….how come I don’t feel like I thought that I would? How come I don’t feel the way I dreamed I would 6 months ago, 1 year ago, 2 years ago or 3? I think that’s what’s funny about expectations and looking forward to something so desperately —that you build it up in your head to immeasurable amounts to the point that when it finally happens, there’s no fucking way it’ll even hold a candle to how you thought it’d be. Truly impossible. To be so wrapped up in the idea that this day will be the absolute pinnacle of your entire life and then all of a sudden before you know it, the sun is setting and you go to sleep and then what? Life goes on.

In retrospect, it probably has nothing to do with setting these insane expectations for these events or milestones but should be about the journey leading up to them or the realization that these are just days that will end whether you like it or not. And life is more than just spending your days looking forward to the next “thing”. The milestone I’ve been looking forward to for close to a decade, working towards and waiting for, is just a day that’ll end whether I like it or not. The trips I look forward to will come, and they will go. Whether I like it or not. That’s what’s funny about time. It doesn’t care if you want it to speed up or slow down, it stays the damn same. When you’re counting down the days on a traumatic clinical rotation, take comfort in knowing the time will come that you’ll walk out on your last day —alive. When you’re running on the treadmill and feel like that 20 minute mark will never come, know that even though it feels slow as FUCK —it will eventually turn to 20:00. When you’re soaking up time with your family or on a vacation with friends, know that the time with them will come to an end, too. When you want to stop time and live in the post-graduation vacation forever, or desperately hold onto the seconds with your family on the island, you just can’t. The seconds go by whether you like it or not and quite frankly, there isn’t much you can do except be grateful of where you are. I think reminding yourself that no matter how much you hype up a milestone, vacation, moment, DAY —always remember that it will come and go and take solace in that it is a fleeting moment and all you can do is try your damn best to soak it up and appreciate it. It’s not about constantly wishing you were at the next vacation, milestone or special occasion —but knowing that moment will come and go and the moment you’re in right now is fleeting, too, so you might as well be present. This might be the worst explanation of how I’m feeling and it’s definitely not eloquent but I think I found the only thing worth tattooing on my body.

This was my two paragraph way of saying three things: a) time, or more specifically LIFE, goes by whether you want it to or not so all you can do is your best to soak it up. b) specific days or vacations or trips that you build up in your head will never amount to what you expect it to be so know that it will come, it will go, and life will go on. and that’s okay. And finally, c) LIFE is what happens when you are busy looking forward to the next thing so you should probably just stay on the page you’re on instead of flipping to the end of the book.

[rrainbow-veinss]

This post would’ve been finished an hour ago but investigating whether or not the oscars really did set up an altercation (cause no one cares about them anymore) was more important. I’m split 60/40 in case you’re wondering. I don’t know, I’m here again to talk about how I’m feeling funky. Not funky in the way you’d probably want to feel, but funky in the way that I haven’t done much today or yesterday and usually that’s my ultimate dream but it’s a lot different when you’re by yourself. It’s always shitty when working out doesn’t even help. I thought it was supposed to give you endorphins? I know tomorrow is gonna be the most familiar last 6 weeks ever but for some reason I’m more nervous than ever. I don’t know, what if people don’t *want* to me to be their potential coworker? I guess only one person’s opinion really matters but it doesn’t help that now I have an audience for these final two exams. Let that pressure only push you to succeed. I would still like to think that deep down I know that I’m capable of doing that.

I didn’t know until 2 days ago that you had to spend $400 to register for a $700 test that I could potentially fail, then have to wait another 50 days before I spend all that money all over again. Oh, can’t forget all the other consequences that would happen because of it. But if anyone knows about curve balls being thrown at you and wrenches thrown in your plans and your entire world being absolutely turned-the-fuck-upside-down, being shook to your absolute core and broken into a million pieces...it’s me. If anyone knows about very, very, very, (*insert a million ‘vary’s here*) expensive mistakes it’s me. Paying $1500 twice in a row would be a cake walk for me compared to what I’ve been through. I don’t bring up those dark times for fun, but just to remind myself that hey, you’ve been through some serious shit that felt like it was world crushing, world ending, and yet here you are, alive, 2 years later about to walk across an effing stage in less than two months. I know you’ve forgotten what it’s like to live under a rock, be focused, stay disciplined, but whatever you need to do to motivate yourself to push yourself to 110% like you did for 30 pharmacy school exams....I suggest you do it again. And if you have to do it all over again then at least you know you did your best and even more importantly, your life will still. go. on.

[rrainbow-veinss]

It’s still January so we’ll roll with it. But damn, hasn’t this month felt like a year long in itself? I couldn’t tell you much about 2021 except the tragic heartbreak it ended in. 18 years and you’re gone. You didn’t eat much your last week, you slept a lot and couldn’t seem to stand for very long. I wish I wasn’t in denial or repressing what I knew was probably going to happen, cause then I would’ve said no to my plans and laid with you for 12 hours and slept on the floor with you for your last night, but I take solace that I had the absolute pleasure of being with you for the last two months of your life. I guess it makes sense, no one or no thing lives forever but for some stupid reason I thought you would. But god, god fucking damn. I have never felt heartbreak like this in my life. I have never felt this empty, this broken, this incomplete. I love you forever, and will miss you always, and can’t wait to see you again. I know you’re happy. 2021 started in a new apartment, again, in a way too expensive complex. I studied my ass off to score a 66, then studied my ass off even more to score a 100. Life’s funny, aint it? I stayed up til 3am way, way, WAY too many times on a Friday and Saturday night just so I could brag about it on Monday. I had some of the hardest trimeters of my entire school career and actually lived to tell the tale. (And I didn’t break any rules during it. Funny, huh?) In 2021 I thought I was going to die on a mountain and hey, I didn’t, but my tailbone hurt for three weeks. Last year I cried, I laughed, and how nice it was to have my fiancé next to me during it all. In 2021 we picked a wedding date after almost 4 years and know it’ll be here before we know it. Tried on so many wedding dresses, and still never said yes. Went to Hawaii way too many times but didn’t regret none of it. Met someone who I pray to God is my sister in law one day. Went to Vegas to celebrate big career wins that are utterly life changing. Ate an edible that my MIL gave me and thought I was dead for 18 hours. (Wait it was probably only 2 hours). Surprised my best friend to see her become a Doctor only to be cussed out by her drunk dark passenger self later that night. But hey, we all make mistakes. In 2021 I moved for the last time (in the foreseeable future) and into a shared home with my favorite person on this fuckin earth. Woke up every day next to him and came home every night. Monotonous, eventful, and everything in between —absolutely fuckin love and cherish the life that we are building together. Took engagement photos and loved every second of it and worth every penny —even tho it was double the time it was supposed to be. (To my photographer, you are an absolute angel). Drained my savings so I can twirl around a room for 4 hours, and it ain’t even the half of it. Asked my best friend of 20 years to be my maid of honor, and realized a girl who I thought at one point was going to be it is definitely not someone who they once were to me. In 2021 I went to Colorado to listen to loud music at an extremely insane elevation, got harassed by angry homeless people, and still thought it was worth the experience. Spent three days in Florida to just barely be caught in a hurricane 12 hours before starting a new rotation. Went to a long time fav music festival in the middle of the desert and yes, it’s still worth doing even at our old fuckin age. And last, but not ever least, I spent two months with my family to close out the year cause it’s one of the last times I ever will before I grow up and become a real adult. That sucks just to type. But monotonous days and nights with brothers, parents and grandparents is something you can’t ever, ever replace and should never take for granted. Eternally grateful for every second, hour, day, week of those two months I got to spend at home. This 2021 New Years post is late and not anywhere near as eloquently written as they used to be but hey, you get the gist.

[rrainbow-veinss]

I have this theory that my brain enjoys having something to stress and be anxious over. If one thing has been resolved, it takes my brain about 2 hours to find the next thing to focus on. Call it the time of the month or the time of the trimester (doesn’t help when both of those align on the same time) but man, have I cried about a thousand times today. I’ve failed all my quizzes today and I’m wondering how I made it this far. It’s been a month since my vacation and all I can catch myself doing is day dreaming about it and wishing I could go back to that moment in time. Yeah, yeah, everything is fleeting (just like this current one) but god damn does it suck ass right now. I miss my hometown, miss my family, and to be quite honest I miss having nothing to do. There’s an ancient proverb that goes —are you stressed cause you don’t know how to do it or because you don’t want to? 9/10 it’s the latter. I continue to remind myself that I’m extremely blessed for the opportunity that I have to do the things that I complain and stress about —to the point of tears, but sometimes I just forget about that blessing for a few minutes (or a lot of minutes). I know this feeling all too well cause it happens about the third or so week, this time I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and makes it feel a little less dark, a little more light, and of course way way sweet. I hate saying I’m feeling rather depressed but that’s the only way I can explain it. “Funk” would be an understatement. It took me 5 trimesters to realize grades don’t matter, and C’s get degrees, but damn, sometimes C’s sound a bit too hard. I know I’m procrastinating but I allowed myself five minutes to do this journal entry and I’m already a minute over. Cry about it, pray about it, then get to work. I don’t know how else to tell you. But before I keep procrastinating any further —just know this feeling is fleeting and even more importantly, this moment is. I don’t make promises but I promise you’ll read back on this 12 weeks from now and smile to yourself about how you made it out of that long, dark tunnel. You’re going to be okay. You know how I know? Cause you’ve done it before.