#mikeshouldhavegottenvecnad

Kiana Khansmith
Cosmic Funnies
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YOU ARE THE REASON
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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#mikeshouldhavegottenvecnad
Wrong Tie
Summary: You’re secretly dating Draco and accidentally walk into the great hall wearing his tie.
Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Hufflepuff!reader
Warnings: swear words here and there
Word count: 850
A Hufflepuff dating a Slytherin was pretty impossible right? I mean Potter has half the school thinking they’re all death eaters and so soft, kind-hearted Y/N should have nothing to do with one, right? Especially not Draco Malfoy, the embodiment of a cocky, arrogant Slytherin bastard. For one, if this was a fictional story; Draco would be the main character and you’d be some extra in the background tripping over her own two feet.
Yet here you were, trapped against a wall, legs wrapped around Draco’s waist as he made your entire body tremble. Your hands were in his hair, tugging lightly as one of his hands held you by your waist and the other wrapped around your neck. Your mouth was slanted over his, lips moving feverishly against one another’s, pulling away only when you truly struggled to breathe. Even then he was nipping at your neck, sucking on spots that drew out particularly loud moans from you, eager to taste you on his tongue for as long as possible.
“Draco…” you half moaned “Dinner started 10 minutes ago, I’m sick of making up ridiculous excuses every day.” He simply hummed in response, too busy lightly sucking on your neck, being careful not to leave too many suspicious marks. Though you both knew, if he could, he’d cover you in love bites, so people knew you were his and his alone.
Hooking a finger under his chin, you brought your lips back down to his, leaving one last bruising kiss before pushing at his shoulders to get out of his hold. The arrogant bastard simply stood at arm’s length, biting his lip looking damn proud about how utterly wrecked you looked from a simple make out session. Your cheeks were flushed, breathing ragged and uniform askew, it couldn’t be more obvious what had just occurred.
Obviously just staring at you wasn’t enough so the cheeky git leant back in, determined to finish what he started but you simply dipped under his arms, hands grabbing at your robe and tie lying forgotten on the floor. You two really had to find some place better to sneak off to then a broom cupboard; dorm rooms were just too risky whilst no one knew about the two of you yet. Whilst most people would say a death eater doesn’t deserve you, you thought quite the opposite. How had you gotten this lucky and managed to get the Draco Malfoy to fall for you? He had a heart of gold, yet no one wanted to look past his house and family name.
“Leave 5 minutes after me yeah? Don’t want to get caught by anyone, especially Filch.” Throwing your robes and tie on, you gave Draco one last peck (okay that one peck may have led to 5 more minutes of making out but whose counting), before practically sprinting down the corridor toward the great hall, hands smoothing down your uniform as you ran.
“Where have you been? You disappeared straight after potions!”
“I’m so sorry! I was looking for Luna, she’s tutoring me in potions.” You had stopped trying to make your lies too convincing at this point, you just needed to distract them until they forgot. Unfortunately, you were too busy piling Yorkshire puddings onto your plate to realise that conversations around you had stopped and that all of your friends and half of Hufflepuff were staring at your tie, specifically, Draco’s tie.
“What are you all staring at?” Your hands went to your face, expecting something to be growing on it, but as your eyes followed theirs, you saw the striking green tie in place of the usual yellow.
“Y/N?! Whose tie is that? ARE YOU DATING A SLYTHERIN? HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL US? IS THIS WHY YOU’VE BEEN SNEAKING OFF?” By now half the great hall had turned to see what was going on and heard Hannah basically scream a howler you.
And because you are the unluckiest witch alive, Draco Malfoy happens to walk in at that exact moment. With a hand in his pocket and his signature ‘my father will hear about this’ face on, he looked the definition of the Slytherin Prince. Yet that rope of yellow around his neck answered everyone’s question and shattered his oh-so-carefully built image. Instantaneously murmurs started going around the great hall, not one person had seen this coming and neither Hufflepuff nor Slytherin would be letting either of you live this down anytime soon.
“What are you all staring at? Pansy, close your mouth that is disgusting. What is wrong with all of you today.” Draco clearly hadn’t caught on yet, for such a clever wizard he could be extraordinarily thick. Though you did suppose, this time, you were just as thick.
Zabini not so subtly pointed to his tie and then to yours. Draco whipped his head towards the Hufflepuff table, and you swear you had never seen someone move their head so fast, his grey eyes searching for yours. And then as you locked eyes, you clearly had the same thought run through your minds; “oh shit.”
A/N: It’s the having to google “how to write kiss scenes” half-way through writing this for me 👀
I also really wanna thank you to everyone who’s read any of my work, my last post blew up overnight (literally overnight) and I’m so so so grateful, thank you thank you thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Add youself to my taglist!
Being a Witch and Best Friends with the Winchesters Would Include…
Summary: Let’s just say that you never expected your closest friends to be two lumberjacks who hunt werewolves for a living.
Pairing: Winchesters X Best Friend!Reader
Warnings: References to Witchcraft, Light Violence, and Supernatural Elements
HC Count: 29
A/N: I’m so sorry that I’m so behind on requests but I’m super swamped with school starting up again.
Request: hey i have a request ! i saw your supernatural headcanons and i was wondering if you would do one where you are a witch and you’re best friends with the winchester’s? thank you so much !
Masterlist
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-Honestly, you being a witch was literally the last thing that the Winchesters noticed when you first met.
-In fact, they only noticed how freaking fast you seemed to be.
Keep reading
Like We Always Do - Part 1
Summary: You wake up in the middle of nowhere, with no memory and just a phone on your person. The phone keeps ringing incessantly, with just one name on the screen. A name you don’t recognize. Dean.
Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader
Word Count: 4,055
Warnings: Swearing. Angst. Fluff if you squint.
A/N: This is wayyyy longer than expected so i split it. Please leave feedback!
You woke up with a start.
Your heart was beating a mile a minute, breaths coming heavy and fast. Your eyes shot open, body covered in a layer of sweat under your black jacket. Your head whipped around trying to gather where you were.
The first thing you noticed was that you were sitting up and not laying down. In front of you was a steering wheel, beneath you, a car seat. The leather covering the seat squeaked as you moved. Your eyes drifted up, looking out the windshield. You seemed to have been parked on the side of a dark road, the sky above showcasing twinkling stars.
You had no idea where you were, or how you got there.
Keep reading
Something Different {BBC Dracula x Reader} [4]
Masterlist
~^*^~
Your eyes switched from Dracula, to the armed force team and then back to Dracula. You couldn’t help but think back to the day at the Jonathan Harker Foundation when he had told you that he knew he could easily win against the team of gun-wielding men. That lead you to remember his account aboard the Demeter, in which he had been shot four times in the chest. He had felt no pain and had almost immediately gotten up to devour the man that shot him.
How could you be so stupid?!
Of course he would easily win against mortal men! All they had was (to quote the brave gentleman deceased of 123 years) steel and powder! They were no match for Count Dracula. It was at that precise moment that you realised just how royally screwed you really were. You had lead yourself out to a concealed corner, meters above an angry sea, with the intentions of luring over an ancient vampire and had succeeded. A few bullets would do him no damage, but his fangs and his beastly power would be enough to finish you all off within a minute or two.
You turned your eyes to Dracula once more and he was staring straight at you. You kept the eye contact. He licked his lips and lowered his arms.
“Did you invite them?” He inquired.
You were too frozen to speak. The dread that had overcome you was too much for you to handle.
“Silly girl. Did you truly think that you would ever have the upper hand against someone - something - like me?”
Again, you were unable to answer him. He stretched his neck, rolling it backwards to expose his thick neck and a deep growl eminated from his chest.
“What a shame. I was beginning to like you, [First].”
“What are you going to do to me?”
He neared you once more and faintly you heard one of the men shout for him to stop moving. He did not listen. He swaggered towards you with some pride. You could only assume he knew that the ball was in his court.
When his fingers trailed against your waist for a second, you were unable to suppress the hum that rumbled in your throat. For just a moment, you forgot who was touching you. His mouth came to hover jusy above the skin just above your collarbone. He was almost touching the flesh, but kept enough space to tantalise you.
“You stepped out of line.” He breathed against your skin, “I never break my promises, Miss [First].” Your eyes widened.
He wouldn’t.
His other hand came to grip your waist and both hands were now holding you firm. You wriggled in his grasp, trying to set yourself free. You heard Zoe’s voice from some distance away but you knew she’d never get to you.
“You’re going to kill me.” You whispered the statement.
“No, I told you, I don’t want to kill you. You’re going to learn a lesson.”
“I-“
“Never cross me again, [First].”
He pressed his body firmly to yours and he pushed wyour body harshly backwards with no effort on his behalf. The railing behind you broke as if it was nothing more than a flimsy and tiny tree branch. You became weightless, with the Count clutching you tight as you plummeted down into the North Sea.
~^*^~
The days that followed were quiet. You suspected that you had most deeply offended Count Dracula, as although you continued to try and lure him to you, he made no attempt to visit you again. By the fourth day of his clear ignoring of you, you decided to spend a day inside of the Jonathan Harker Foundation, where you ended up running into a very old friend.
When your eyes had landed on Jack Seward, you swore you had a heart attack. A little more matured than the last time you saw him, with a slightly different cut to his hair, maybe an inch at most taller, he had hardly changed. Seeing him brought back a flood of memories, most of them painful, even more linking to another person whom you had buried down in the deepest dungeons of your heart and mind and begged to never have to think about again.
Jack’s eyes had lit up, despite the clear sadness evident in them and had begun to ramble about how much time it had been since you’d last met. Although Jack had never done a thing wrong to you, you couldn’t help that grease stain of a grudge on your heart catch a little on him in your mind. He had been associated. Although he never knew what went on, you felt like he picked her over you.
“So, what are you doing here?” You inquired, smiling through the whirlwind of negative emotions currently circulating you, “no offence, I mean. Do you work here?
“Not work, per se. I’m actually a junior doctor, I’m just here because Zoe- Dr. Van Helsing, put me forward for some study with a vampire. What about you?” The ease in which he spoke, the casualness of it made you scoff.
“Me? I’m an associate of Zoe’s. I’ve been working with criminals for the past two and a half years, learning how they tick and getting to the bottom of the why. She asked me to lend a hand on the vampire as we seem to be calling him.”
“I see...”
“A junior doctor, though, eh? Who would’ve thought the Jack Seward who couldn’t handle watching a birthing video in year ten would turn out to be a doctor?” You playfully sighed.
“I actually want to go into mental health. Definitely not.. birthing.” A chill ran down his spine and he visibly shivered.
You laughed and accompanied him as far as where he needed to be. Although you had no need to be inside of the institute, you knew you could find solace somewhere. Truth be told, you were trying to avoid Zoe for even a few hours. She had been relentlessly hounding you for information on Dracula, and trying to get your neck treated. After the Count had so kindly soft-chocked you, a purple bruise had bloomed in the shape of his hand stretching across your skin. If she knew about the similar marks on both sides of your waist, you knew she’d have a fit. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Zoe, it was quite the opposite. It was simply that you knew she was riddled with guilt.
Zoe had spent her whole life chasing the fantasy of finding Dracula. It was all that she ever wanted. She needed to know where he was. He had killed her great-great paternal aunt along witj several others with them not realising what he was for weeks and then all but disappeared. He had never been recovered from the shipwreck of the Demeter and no one had seen him since. Knowing that the foundation she ran, the institute she had in her clutches had brought back such evil was driving her crazy with the guilt. People were dying. Every day, at least two new victims would be announced, most drained of their blood and with a chunk of their throats gone. She felt responsible.
In your thoughts, you managed to find an unoccupied room and slumped down into one of the chairs closest to the door. You had found it difficult to sleep, worrying that a certain vampire would find you and gain entry to your home. You didn’t think that he knew where you lived, but he was a vampire who could turn himself into a fly. For all you knew he was hovering around you currently.
Every now and then, a rush of voices would flow past the door, and you’d sink further down into your seat to avoid being detected. For just a moment, you craved solace and quiet. It seemed this abandoned room provided it well. However, you only stayed for another short moment before pushing yourself up and leaving the room.
Standing against the wall opposite where you emerged was Zoe with her arms crossed. Jack was standing awkwardly beside her.
“I was beginning to wonder when you were going to come out of there.” She stated plainly, “it seems the two people I need to speak with the most are consistent in trying to avoid me.”
“I’m sorry, Zoe. I just needed a little space.”
“That’s understandable. You could have just said.” She pushed herself away from the wall so that she was standing fully, “you look exhausted.”
“I am.” You confessed, “I’m worried about-...” you cut yourself off. Jack was staring right at you with such pity it made you want to burst into tears right there.
“Dracula.” He finished for you.
“Yes, well, he did leave quite the nasty bruise on your neck and proceed to throw you both into the sea.” Zoe state’s as if you couldn’t recall. You definitely could.
Zoe then insisted that you go home and get some real rest. She allocated some men to be stationed around your home and kindly offered to drive you back herself. It was a quick drive and she decided to bring Jack along, considering the three of you seemed to know a little more about the Count than most. As she pulled up outside of your house, you looked through the windows. Everything was as you left it. To your left was the river, currently drained of nearly all it’s water as the tide was out. You bid the two farewell and retreated into your home.
Time slipped by with ease once you were home. You did not sleep, though you probably should have given the circumstances. At exactly 8:09pm, as you watched some aged comedy, your door knocked. It was most likely Zoe checking up on you, so you rose and went to answer.
You had no chance to try and slam the door shut once it was opened as his large hand held the wood with ease, preventing it was swinging back into its frame.
“How did you find me?” You inquired, a little scared, but as usual keeping your calm front.
“It wasn’t difficult. You walk home alone almost every day. That cinertrack has a lot of places to duck if someone turns to look, you know.” He informed you. Dracula’s eyes twinkled with mischief once more and he licked his lips he was triumphant.
“Why are you here?” Was your next question.
“To see you, of course. Will you invite me in?”
“Will you harm me if I do?”
“Have you learnt your lesson?”
“Come in, Dracula.”
“Good girl.”
You turned sluggishly, b-lining for your sofa once more. Dracula followed behind you. His footsteps echoed in your ears. When you flipped down on soft cushions, you eyed the vampire who took a seat on your La-Z Boy.
“Ah, you have one of the boxes, as well.” He mused.
“As well?” You cocked an eyebrow.
“Yes, whenever I have been invited in to feast, they’ve had those boxes,” he pointed at your TV, “clever thing isn’t it?”
“I mean, I guess so.”
“You humans seemed to have grown much too accustomed to these fine luxuries in life. Very ungrateful for them.”
“It’s not- never mind. I’m going to get ready for bed.”
You pushed yourself up once more and found yourself leaving him alone as you climbed your stairs. Upon entering the bathroom, you took a look at yourself in the mirror. The purple bruise was still evident on your neck. It wasn’t faded much at all and you wondered how long it was going to take for it to disappear. You traced the line with your finger.
“Yes, sorry about that.”
You turned your head to see him leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed. A small smirk played on his lips. He wasn’t sorry, he was proud of it.
He moved into the room, slow steps nearing you until he was stood directly behind you. You locked eyes with him in the mirror. Like this, you could see the sheer size difference between you. He overpowered you in every aspect and it began to dawn on you how stupid you had been.
“Stupid things, mirrors.” He uttered, frowning and used his hands to turn you to face him, “they are beyond the complexity of this world, I assure you. Vanity is such a reckless thing.”
“Says the man clearly obsessed with keeping up with appearances.” You rolled your eyes at him, peering up through your eyelashes at his face.
“It is,” he brought up a hand, coolness stinging your neck where the bruise was, “beautiful. Did I do the same thing on your waist?”
“Would it matter?” You questioned.
“Of course. You must know by now that I revel in the things that I can do to you fragile beings.”
“You cannot scare me, Dracula.”
“You always lie to me when your pulse is so erratic.” He lowered his voice, “do you take enjoyment out of deceiving others, so?”
“No.” You whispered.
“Then why do you do it?”
You could not answer him. He already knew why. It was foolish to try and save face in front of a vampire who knew what you were going to do before even you did. A smirk cane upon his lips and he took a step back, allowing for you to leave the room. He followed you out and into your bedroom. This, you did not realise until you were sat fully in bed and turned to see him sitting causally in the arm chair by your door.
You inwardly grumbled.
Surely a man of his age would be able to realise what was crossing a boundary? Were you going to have to spell it out for him? He simply stared at you for a moment before sitting up and ridding himself of his navy suit jacket. Now he sat with his white shirt and black waistcoat. You glared as he made himself comfortable.
“What are you doing?” You snapped.
“Sitting.” It was his turn to roll his eyes.
“You do realise why I’ve come in here, right?”
“Yes, I’m not stopping you from sleeping, [First]. I’ll wait here until you wake up.”
“What so you can feed on me when I’m out cold? Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“[First],” he sat forwards once more, resting his elbows on his thighs and pacing his hands together with his fingers, “had I wanted to kill you, be assured I would have done it the first time we met. You are lucky you were so ballsy as to shut the light out just to talk to me.”
“Drac, I’m not sleeping in here with you sitting there.”
“Sleep or don’t sleep, I’m comfortable here.”
You groaned and flopped back on to the mattress. You cursed at yourself. Only an idiot would invite a vampire so intrusive into their house at bedtime.
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@vampiregirl1797 @avalanet @bunnyreese12 @nerdonpluto @teamceleries @grifffins @hitbythunder @winterseoul @mymagicsuitcase @angeli-fucking-cat -cat @benedictethegoddess @bloodhon3yx
Thank you all for the support!
cinema date
humans are space orks: mini humans
And not the alive kind.
Put yourself in my shoes for but a moment, my dear reader. You are walking into your human friend's humble abode. Everything is normal. And then BAM, they take out their miniature plastic version of them from their closet full of other miniature plastic humans.
And I admit my retelling may be a LITTLE dramatic but not by much. I don't know how I didn't find out about this sooner. I came with the news as soon as I could guys!!
There was even some in depth research involved. Humans really like making things that look like them, and it's called dolls. Clay, straw, plastic, glass, you name it. It's kinda self-absorbed ANYWAY it's also really weird. Who would want to stare at that? It's... you. There's nothing special about it.
No offense to any humans reading. Unless you own a doll, in whic case I consider you weird.
(And thank you for the comment you left @autisms-georg-silly, you can have fifty three percent of the credit)
Lesson #21 sleep walking!
(In the book it’s mentioned that Rocky has five hearts btw!)
FYI there will be fewer post for a while, terribly sorry 💔💔
First Lesson Previous lesson Next lesson
Thank you to everyone who had the idea and recommended it to me!
Thank you to my amazing beta readers!
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@stelosia
Yandere!Cult x Hybrid!Reader
The high priest of the congregation was mid-sermon, preaching to a dark room of hooded, kneeling followers, when the faint, muffled sound of a crying baby echoed from the stone steps outside. Opening the church doors, expecting to find a miserable human orphan to turn into a low-level servant, the cult leaders instead pulled back the basket's wool blanket to reveal a newborn hybrid glowing with distinct, unnatural features that perfectly mirrored the sacred, centuries-old prophecies carved into their subterranean altars. To your birth parents, your hybrid traits were an absolute horror to be abandoned; to the cult, your presence on their doorstep was a divine, undisputed miracle. Your parents thought they were leaving you to a quiet life of standard church charity, completely unaware that they had just handed their child over to a hyper-fixated, blood-bound cabal that instantly declared you their living god.
From that exact moment, your childhood was transformed into a gilded, terrifyingly pampered isolation. You were never allowed to set foot on the dirt outside, nor were you permitted to wear standard clothes. Instead, you were wrapped in silk robes embroidered with real silver thread, carried everywhere on velvet litters, and surrounded 24/7 by dozens of zealots who bowed flat on the stone floor whenever you so much as sneezed. The Yandere!Cult built a massive, temperature-controlled sanctuary deep beneath the main church just for you, filled with soft cushions, imported toys, and gold-plated high chairs. If you dropped a toy off the side of your playpen as a toddler, three different high-ranking priests would practically tackle each other into a heap just to be the one to hand it back to you with tears of religious ecstasy in their eyes.
Yandere!Cult treats your hybrid features not as a strange mutation, but as absolute, unquestionable holy attributes. Where human society would have shunned your unique traits, the cult built an entire theological system around worshipping them. Every evening, the high priest personally sits beside your silk-draped bed with a silver basin of warmed rosewater, painstakingly washing your hair, brushing out your fur, scales, or feathers with an ivory comb, and humming ancient lullabies. If you let out a sleepy, grumpy whine because you don't want your hair brushed, the entire room of watching initiates will instantly gasp in horror, dropping to their knees to pray for your divine forgiveness. At the same time, the priest frantically offers you honeyed fruits and apologizes for his "clumsy, unworthy hands."
Yandere!Cult's territorial, overprotective nature means that the outside world is treated like a toxic wasteland of heresy that must never touch you. They have completely erased all records of your birth parents from the local registry, tracking down the hospital files and burning them to ash so no one can ever claim a biological right to you. You are given no concept of money, labor, or human societal rules only the absolute certainty that your word is law within the temple walls. If you express a casual, childish curiosity about what lies beyond the heavy oak doors of the cathedral, the priests will look at you with deep, heartbroken panic, wrapping you in thick, embroidered shawls and softly gasping. "The outside is cold and cruel, little deity. The mortals out there are blind to your glory. Stay here, where your children can keep you safe forever."
The comedy of your daily life peaks whenever you try to exercise any form of normal, mundane independence. If you decide you want to walk down the stone hallway by yourself instead of being carried in a sedan chair, a squad of hooded paladins will walk directly in front of you, literally sweeping the stone floor with peacock feathers and laying down velvet runners so your holy feet never have to touch a speck of dust. If you casually point at a random, expensive item in a trader's catalog, the cult’s covert asset team will bypass the market entirely, acquiring the item by any means necessary and presenting it to you on a satin pillow before sunset. You have effectively become a prisoner of pure, unadulterated adoration, a young hybrid living in a high-security, golden paradise where your word is divine scripture, your safety is a holy war, and your worshippers will gladly burn the outside world to the ground before they ever let you leave your throne.
The High Priest the formidable, imposing leader who makes seasoned warlords tremble with a single cold glance completely disintegrates into a soft, overly attentive mess the second he enters your presence. From the day he picked you up off the church steps, he claimed sole, exclusive rights to your care. He refuses to let lower-ranking initiates hold you for more than a few seconds at a time, deeply convinced that their "unworthy, clumsy hands" aren't careful enough with his precious little god. He carries you everywhere himself, propping your small frame securely against his hip or cradling you against his heavy, gold-embroidered robes while he conducts morning prayers, handles cult finances, or issues dark decrees to his followers.
The High Priest has turned his own office into a glorified playroom, refusing to part with you even during high-stakes strategic meetings. While hooded elders bow low to report on regional operations, the High Priest is completely unfocused on their reports, instead balancing a heavy parchment ledger in one hand while using his free hand to feed you sweet, seedless grapes or stack golden toy blocks on his massive mahogany desk. If an elder speaks too loudly and startles you, the High Priest's eyes will instantly flash with a terrifying, lethal glare, silencing the entire room with a harsh whisper. "Lower your voice in the presence of the divine, unless you wish to offer your tongue as a sacrifice."
High Priest's spoiling habits are entirely out of control because he treats your every minor gesture like a holy directive. If you so much as reach your hand toward a shiny crystal paperweight on his desk, he will instantly press it into your palm, smiling with a deep, terrifyingly soft fondness. If you tilt your head toward the window, he will halt the entire church service to have the stained glass opened so you can feel the breeze. He spends vast sums of the cult's hidden treasury ordering exotic silk toys, velvet-lined cushions, and rare fruits from across the continent, practically smothering you in gifts every single morning. He will sit on the floor of your sanctuary for hours, holding out sparkling trinkets one by one just to see which one makes your eyes light up.
High Priest's attachment borders on a desperate, anxious obsession whenever you are even a few feet away from him. If he has to step away to perform a mandatory ritual at the main altar, he will check on you every five minutes, looking over his shoulder with frantic worry until he can rush back to scoop you back into his arms. When you fall asleep in his lap, he will sit completely frozen for hours, refusing to move a single muscle or let anyone else make a sound in the cathedral just so your rest remains undisturbed. To the rest of the cult, he is a terrifying, absolute sovereign. Still, to you, he is just a giant, overly protective guardian who refuses to put you down, utterly consumed by the joy of being the one who gets to carry his little deity through life.
The lower-ranking initiates have developed a complex, highly competitive internal hierarchy based entirely on who is allowed to perform the most mundane tasks for you. Because the High Priest hoards all the primary caretaking duties, the initiates view tasks like sweeping the dust off the velvet runner three steps ahead of where you’re being carried, or carrying the silver tray of your discarded fruit peels, as the ultimate holy honors. If an initiate is assigned to polish the golden frame of your high chair, they will spend six hours meticulously buffing the metal until it shines like a mirror, weeping tears of religious fulfillment while their peers stare at them with intense, petty envy.
They treat your minor, everyday noises as profound, world-altering omens. If you let out a little sneeze during morning prayers, the entire congregation will immediately stop chanting, drop their foreheads flat to the floor, and spend the next twenty minutes whispering prayers of protection for your sacred sinuses. If you let out a happy gurgle or a cheerful chirp because you like a specific dessert, the cult scribe will frantically write down the exact time, temperature, and sun alignment in the official church records, declaring that specific hour a permanent holy holiday on the cult’s calendar.
They have zero boundaries when it comes to keeping your environment hyper-sanitized and completely silent. A specialized division of paladins intimidating, armored zealots who usually guard the perimeter are routinely deployed to hunt down and eliminate any minor inconvenience in your vicinity. If a stray songbird outside your sanctuary window chirps a little too loudly while you're taking an afternoon nap, three armored guards will quietly step outside with crossbows, entirely convinced they are defending the peace of the realm. If a fly dares to land on the silk pillow near your head, the guards will look like they’ve suffered a catastrophic security breach, dropping to their knees to beg the High Priest for punishment for allowing a "foul beast" near the divine one.
They treat any item you have touched, used, or casually dropped as a priceless relic that belongs in a reinforced vault. If you chew on a wooden teething ring for five minutes and then toss it out of your playpen, an initiate will catch it with velvet-gloved hands, place it onto a silver satin cushion, and escort it to the lower treasury under heavy armed guard. They refuse to wash or throw away any blanket you’ve used, instead preserving them in airtight glass cases around the sanctuary so they can bow before them when you aren't in the room.
During the rare times the High Priest actually sets you down on your golden throne to address the assembly, the cult members exhibit a terrifying level of collective discipline to keep you entertained. If you look even slightly bored or fussy during a long theological sermon, the terrifying, stone-faced elders in the front row will instantly start making goofy faces, doing quiet puppet shows with their embroidered sleeves, or juggling glowing mana-orbs just off to the side, desperately trying to earn a tiny smile from their living god without drawing the wrath of the High Priest.
Things About Humans that Intrigue/Freak Out Cybertronians
(I have so much delight in thinking of this).
Cracking out joints
Our saliva being 6x more potent than one of our most potent painkillers (morphine)
We have acid in our stomachs that can melt through their metal and the only reason why it's melting us is because of the mucosal layer
Pursuit Predation: in the early days, humans used to pursue our prey at a walking speed for however long till the prey got tired. Because compared to other animals, we have a ton of energy.
How we can bounce back. The Ice Age was one of the most vicious times to live in. Back 800-900,000 years ago, almost 99% of the human population and about 1300 humans were left. The temperature at its peak back in the Ice Age was 46 degrees Fahrenheit (8 degrees Celsius). The average temperature was 11°F (6°C). This is the average of the arctic (where Arcee and Optimus were stuck in for a few hours and ALMOST DIED) is at now. Average Arctic temp: 2 to -6° C (0 to 20° F). Now the human population reached to 8 billion.
Adrenaline. The effects on how we slow digestion and then temporarily forget pain and get faster and more alert
The amount of organ systems we have
Eating capsaicin for fun
Domesticating everything basically
How quickly we progressed human civilization
Our eyes. Doesn’t emit light, can’t see in the dark and prioritizing stealth over seeing
FThe human instinct of something being off
How long we live (we don’t live long compared to them)
Hysterical strength when the situation calls for it
That we don’t use our minds and bodies to its fullest extent.
Packbonding
No EM fields
Ability to lie since no EM fields
How much we shed: our hair, skin cells and those who have a uterus, shedding of uterus lining
When it’s too dry, our skin bleeds
Periods
Hiccups
Hypnic jerks: like when you feel like you are falling when sleeping
Skin wrinkling in water
Yawning and that it is contagious
Feet becoming numb after sitting for a while
Skin prickling thing.ikyk
We have an immune system
Intuition that something is off
Prophetic dreams
Believing we encountered paranormal things or have
Déjà vu
Ok so…we know that Yautja mating rituals are like a battlefield. Violent, messy, and occasionally a casualty. Right? So, ok, hear me out!!!!
Yautja hunter who gets the attention of fem!reader and one thing leads to another and they’re about to perform the horizontal tango and reader is just confused???
The Yautja hunter fully expected to have his gear ripped off, be thrown on the bed, and taken like there’s no tomorrow bc he has literally ZERO concept of mating outside of his own species. Reader may be smaller than him but who’s to say she doesn’t have the gusto to toss him like female Yautja?
Queue reader who takes it slow with him. Kisses down his chest, fingers teasing the buckles of his attire, and gently asking him to lay on the bed. Reader who shows hunter some good quality TLC and he’s just staring at the ceiling trying to ignore his heart bursting in affection for this little tiny human that showed him the most pleasurable sex he’s ever had in his centuries of existence.
Ok I got the brain worm out. What do you think?
Excuse me but this is perfection?? Dear anon, write a fic and tag me ASAP 😍
Because Yautja seem to treat sex like an extension of combat. Dominance, blood, broken bones etc. So this poor hunter has spent his entire life thinking mating means getting absolutely wrecked by a female who’s bigger, meaner and will probably headbutt him so hard he will forget his name, if he doesn’t pin her first.
And then there’s this soft human with zero body armor, no claws, smelling so different than the rest of the females, he can’t stop thinking about it.
And when the moment comes, he’s so ready, standing there half-undressed, chest heaving, mandibles flared, practically vibrating with violence and anticipation because he’s expecting the human to snarl, grab him by the dreadlocks and throw him into the mattress to dominate him the way a proper female should.
Except she doesn’t.
She just smiles, cups his face in her little hands and kisses his mouth, so softly his brain just stops working. She starts taking his gear off slowly, with gleaming eyes as if witnessing a firework show. She pushes him down onto the bed with the lightest touch on his chest and he melts onto the mattress because what the fuck is this???
And then she absolutely ruins him with tenderness.
Kissing down his chest, tracing every old scar with her tongue, whispering praises in that soft human voice while she undoes the last of his armor with shaking hands (his shaking hands not hers 🤭)
She rides him slow and deep, hands braced on his broad chest, telling him how beautiful he is, how good he feels, how much she adores him, until this ancient apex predator, who spreads terror in the universe, is making the most pathetic whimpers, his mandibles clicking with every ragged breath and his claws are shredding the sheets, because he doesn’t know what to do with all this softness.
He comes harder than he ever has in his life, eyes wide in shock, mandibles flaring and when it’s over he just lies there staring at the ceiling with his mandibles slack and his heart doing things hearts aren’t supposed to do.
After that night he’s ruined for Yautja females forever. They would break his spine trying to dominate him and he would just be thinking “she never said I was a good boy while scratching behind my mandibles…”
Predators discovering slow, loving vanilla sex and immediately becoming the most devoted service tops??? GIMME IT 😍😍😍
“dad, why wasn’t byler canon?”
Hii! Do you still do requests? If not pls just ignore this ask!!!
I would love to see a yautja (preferably an oc if you'd like!) x heavily injured reader?
Just angst w/ a lot of comfort ^^
The reason for their injury is entirely up to you!! I hope you have fun w/ this request if you want to do it- no pressure ofc!
Have a nice day :D
Hi!! So sorry this took so long— I hope you enjoy it!!
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Yautja oc x injured reader
Warnings: injury and angst, of course—
Summary: you get attacked by a feral hellhound while your yautja is out hunting
Notes: reader lives on yautja prime, and as usual reader either speaks yautja through fanfic magic or has a translator, also- I refer to the hellhound/predator hound only as a hound just because… idk I feel like that’s just what yautja would call them🤷♀️ also I read this over like ten times so— if there’s still any mistakes… I’m sorry- I tried💀
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It all started when he was returning home from the day's hunt, a hunt that had gone, as usual, successfully. Having secured fresh meat for himself and his ooman, his muscles still tingling with the pleasant burn of the chase, all Za’se wanted was to return to you— to tell you every detail of his pursuit of the creature the pair of you would call dinner as he cooked its flesh to your liking…
But, about halfway back to your shared dwelling… he caught an unusual scent… he smelled it first, a hound— perhaps not so strange, but this hardly had time to register before he scented something else that made his heart drop— blood, your blood.
It dawned on him; a gut-wrenching shriek rang out through the jungle, and Za’se dropped his kill to the ground— breaking into a sprint towards the sound, cutting through the dense vegetation in long, fervent strides to reach you before it was too late— if you could scream, you had some breath left yet.
He roared out to you, the sound guttural and desperate as it tore out of his throat— he hoped you would hear it and know he was coming for you—
Every second he ran felt like an eternity, but finally— he reached you, bursting out of the overgrowth and into the clearing where your home was tucked.
He was ready for a fight, but the hound must have heard him and run off. He'd been relieved for the barest moment to know that your attacker had fled— but that was when he saw you, lying on the ground in front of the hut…
He wasted no time, practically throwing himself onto the ground beside you, frantically looking you over— you were unconscious, nearly every inch of your body was marred with deep gashes and bites, it was horrific… you were losing so much blood— he had to act, and he had to act fast.
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Za’se kneels by your side, where he’s been rooted for the past 12 agonizing hours, an unmoving guardian, sick with fear, with rage, with guilt… he’s managed to stabilize you, stop your bleeding and dress your wounds…
He thought his deepest fear had been realized when he found you, mauled within an inch of your fragile human life, life which you’re barely clinging to now— but this? Waiting for you to awaken, the thought that you may not… somehow, it’s even more terrifying… And the true twist of the knife in this whole nightmare is that it’s entirely his fault.
If he had only been there, he could have protected you… His chest tightens at the thought.
He should have known better than to think you could survive on this planet— he should never have let you—
Za’se sighs, knowing he has to get ahold of himself— spiraling won’t do either of you any good… He dips a rag into a bowl of water and sets to task gently dabbing away the remaining blood and grime from your face… your sweet face…
His brow creases as he works; it’s so painful seeing your soft skin damaged, raw— angry… He brings the cloth up to your cheek, tenderly patting just below your eye. What he wouldn’t give to see those sparkling, expressive eyes open and look up at him… “…Ooman” he croaks “I am… sorry I wasn’t here to keep you safe. I am… a poor mate, I am...” he takes breath, a quiet growl rumbling within his chest as he exhales “disgusted with myself…” he drops the rag back into the bowl, reaching up to ghost his fingers across your forehead.
“You, you are strong… stronger than I could have ever imagined, stronger than you believe…” He drops his hand and wraps it around yours, holding tight. “But I need you to believe it now!” He pleads, bringing your hand against his chest, running his thumb over your knuckles. “I can’t lose you… I won't! you must fight…” He watches you for any sign that you can somehow hear— for even the slightest twitch or change in your breath… But there’s nothing…
…Until he feels your hand weakly, tremblingly, squeeze his own.
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It’s been about two months since you were attacked, and under the constant care of your partner, you’ve made great strides in your recovery…
You sit up in the plush bed he’d made for you- (a veritable mountain of seemingly every fur he’s ever had) when you hear his footsteps approaching.
He comes into the room with a bowl of stew in hand “Hungry?” He inquires, funny— he only asked after having made you food anyway.
"Yes," you reply with a smile. “Thank you— smells good." He hands you the bowl, the warmth of it seeping into your palms.
“Of course it’s good; it will sate you and keep your strength up."
You resist the temptation to laugh at how unintentionally endearing he is and instead just start eating.
He doesn’t take his eyes off you; he sits across from you, watching your every move— even if you aren’t really doing much moving…
You swallow a bite and break the silence. “Don’t worry, big guy— the stew can’t hurt me~” you tease, knowing he won’t find it amusing… Though, admittedly, that’s part of the fun for you.
And indeed, he merely huffs, “Less talking, more eating.”
You roll your eyes and dig back in— finishing your meal soon enough…
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The suns hang low in the sky as the day comes to a close, and you watch Za’se, sat in the corner of your room sharpening one of his knives—
“Planning on going out with that?”
He stiffens; he hasn’t gone hunting since… what happened. He's terrified of leaving you again— the guilt he’s internalized is still gnawing at him.
“I… may be…” he replies, tense…
“You should," you say "Our food stores are starting to run low, and I know you want to go hunting—“
“I want you to be safe.” He says, putting his blade down and standing up.
A moment of heavy silence passes between you…
Your expression softens. "Come here.”
His gaze flicks over you, and he approaches almost cautiously— before kneeling to your level.
You place your hands on the sides of his face, looking into his eyes.
“What happened to me was not your fault.”
He looks away, nasal ridge crinkling as he scoffs— but you don’t let him go.
“Look at me.” You demand, and after a beat, he relents, doing as you say.
“It wasn’t your fault.” You repeat, "What happened to me was a freak accident… I know you think you let me down— and that breaks my heart… Za’se— you saved me…“
The tension in the yautja’s body ebbs away as you speak, and it’s clear that your words carry tremendous weight for him— a soothing balm over the pain he’s harbored all this time…
He presses his forehead against yours, purring low for a moment before speaking, “…Thank you, my brave one.”
You're wife goes looking for you and finds that, unfortunately, you've walked into the sea.
Female Yautja x Human!Reader
Worry fills her heart to the brim. You are worthy, yes, that she never questioned, but her home was dangerous to her kin, never mind something like you, small, unarmored, unprepared, save for the spear that seemed to be missing from your shared home. A home she'd turned upside down as she frantically searched for you everywhere, first amongst the bedding, beneath every piece of furniture, amongst the trophies and shamefully, she would admit that she stuck her face into the ventilation of the house. Only when T'raka pointed out he'd seen you leave the nest some time ago, did she come to terms with reality that yes you'd left your home, and likely the encampment.
Con'feth's only respite were the still warm footprints you'd left behind, but the fact you were headed toward the sea alone was what worried her the most. Beasts of the land were difficult enough for her kind to kill, those who resided beneath the waves proved a greater challenge still. Thousands of her brethren had sunk to the sea floor in an attempt to fell a sea beast. Quick, clever, brutal, utterly merciless, no doubt how many saw her own kind. They were right, of course, except she'd shown mercy once, when she found herself on a small, blue planet, faced with one of its native inhabitants. It was a memory she'd often look upon with favor and a click of her mandibles.
CW: Non-Con/Dub-Con, Blood, Death
MINORS + AGELESS BLOGS DNI
There’s something under the bed.
A sickeningly dreadful thing that's lingered there night after night, its presence growing ever bolder, atmosphere growing ever heavier. Perhaps you're imagining it—imagining the suffocating and chilling air filling your lungs like tar whenever night arose, imagining the cool breath on the back of your neck and the graze of its teeth against your pulse.
You could hear creaks and groans of the wood beneath you, the sound of its nails digging into your bedframe, your heartbeat mimicking a drum—deafening and loud in your ears.