Soooo after 1.5 months I finally got my book back from my editor! She sent it back with this caption, direct quote:
âl've read and edited a TON of books. Because I've read so many stories, books don't often get a physical emotional response from me (I'm just used to it--not heartless, promise). *Book Name* is the first book in a long time to get me crying.â
Iâm literally GIDDY I could create such an emotional response!! Iâve started submitting to literary agents now that I have it backâsix rejections down so far! đĽ°
Summary: an absurdist satirical crack-fic in which you are on Sertraline, and Hazel Callahan tries to make you come.
Pairing: hazel callahan x reader
Contains: mature language and content, oral sex (reader receiving), satirical smut, antidepressants, voyeurism if you squint, reader isnât described as fem or masc
Word Count: 2.3k
A/N: based on personal experience
âââ
Hazel Callahan was eating you out.
For the first time.
Before youâd even started dating, sheâd sworn up and down that sheâd never had a girlfriend before, never even had a proper kiss aside from those middle-school rounds of spin the bottle in Stella-Rebeccaâs basementâand even then, she could hardly admit that, technically, her first kiss had been Tim of all people.
But here she wasâher head between your legs while you were sprawled out on her indigo sheetsâusing every technique she had picked up from poorly-written AO3 smut to lap at your clit with perfect precision.
At least⌠perfect in theory. She was hitting all the right spots, using the right pressure, doing everything right.
And it felt⌠fine.
ButâŚ
âAre you close?â she groaned, a little breathless.
You laughed.
Like the sick son of a bitch you are, you laughed.
Her head popped up in an instant, big blue eyes flashing with confusion and hurt.
âWhat?â she asked, voice small. âAm I doing something wrong?â
What the hell is wrong with you?
âNo! No. God, no. Iâm sorry,â you said quickly, brushing away the bangs that clung to her damp forehead.
âThen why did you laugh at me?â
âI didnât mean to.â A rueful sigh left your lips. âI just⌠Iâm on a lot of medicationââ
âOh yeah? Me too. I take Adderall during the school year, but my mom said I can take a break during the summer months becauseââ
âNo, Hazel, uhâŚâ you chuckled softly, fingers still threaded through her messy hair. âI mean⌠I take Sertraline. Like a lot of it.â
âOh.â
âSo⌠I canât come. Like, physically.â
âOh!â She sat up, seemingly deep in thought as she toyed with your folded legs. âLike⌠ever?â
âI mean, I can by myself, but even that takes awhile. Iâve never been able to with a partner.â
She nodded, slow and silent. Her eyes went cloudyâthe way they always did when she was thinkingâcerulean windows to the gears turning within her analytical mind.
Thenâ
âWhat if I wanted to be the one to make that happen?â
You laughed againâlike a stupid bitch who hadnât learned their lesson earlier.
But this time, she didnât flinch. âIâm serious.â
âI meanâŚâ another chuckle. âYouâd have to be down there for like, hours, probably.â
âSo?â
You blinked.
Oh.
Oh.
Her gaze dropped, shyly tracing shapes into the skin of your thigh.
âCan IâŚ?â she murmured.
You thought for a momentâthen realized there was nothing to think about. Hazel fucking Callahanâthe hottest loser lesbian on this side of New Orleansâwas offering herself up as your own personal fuck toy, batteries included and infinite life.
What did you have to lose?
âGo nuts,â you said, settling back.
Your legs went through a divorceâthe second one Hazel had caused, if her mom were there to weigh in.
âââ
You were certain Hazel would have given up after an hourâmaybe two. Previous partners always had, usually with an apologetic shrug and a âsorry, I tried.â But your girl stayed true to her wordâfour hours in, and her lips were still wrapped around your clit like a red silk ribbon on a Christmas gift.
That fact alone wouldâve made you come.
âŚif you could, of course.
âHow are you not bored?â you asked.
âAre you kidding?â she gazed up at you, grinning, mouth shining with your slick. âHow could I be? My favorite thing ever is like, right in my face.â
You decided not to argue with that logic.
âââ
Another three hours had passed. Seven hours of lying still on your back, and as much as you tried to hide it, you had grown restless.
âAre you bored?â Hazel asked.
âNoâŚâ you lied.
She paused her ministrations, lifting her head. âYou are bored.â
Jesus fucking Christ, was your acting so bad that even Hazel could read your body language? You made a mental note to send an apology to your middle-school drama teacher.
A handwritten apology.
On your momâs good stationary.
âFine,â you groaned, propping yourself up on your elbows. âBut Iâm not bored. Maybe just a little⌠understimulated. Mentally.â
âI get it, donât worry.â Hazel gestured behind her to the 64-inch flat screen mounted on the wall. âWanna put something on while I do this?â
âIs that okay?â
âSure,â she said, grabbing the remote from her nightstand and passing it to you before settling back between your legs.
You flipped through her streaming platformsâgod, she had so manyâfinally landing on Hulu, and it wasnât long before Cindy Feeâs âThank You for Being a Friendâ filtered through the speakers.
She lifted her head again. âThe Golden Girls?â
âYeah?â
âYou wanna watch The Golden Girls while I eat you out?â
âYeah? Is that a problem?â
âNo,â she said with a shrug, scratching the back of her neck. âIt just⌠seems like an odd fit for the moment?â
âWell, what would be a good fit then?â
Her forehead creased in thought.
âYou know what? Good point,â she said, and resumed her work.
âââ
âDo you think Iâm more of a Dorothy or a Blanche?â you asked at the top of the eleventh hour. âYouâre definitely a Rose.â
Hazel huffed against your clit, and your body shiveredâwere you getting more sensitive?
âOkay, talk to me,â she groaned, bending backward to crack her back. âWhat could I do to help you⌠you know⌠get there?â
You muted the TVâright before Rose launched into one of her famous St. Olaf monologuesâand hummed in thought.
âHmmm⌠maybe I could use some encouragement?â
âConsider it done,â she said, whipping out her phone and typing fervently.
You craned your neck. âWhat are youâ?â
âDonât worry about it.â She hit send and grinned up at you. âIâve got you.â
You didnât have to stay curious for long. Minutes later, Stella-Rebecca, Isabel, Brittany, and the rest of the Rockbridge Falls cheer squad came bursting through the doorâshaking their pom-poms and squealing like sirens.
âWhat the fuck?!â you shrieked, yanking at the blanket to cover yourself.
Hazel blinked innocently. âWhat?â
âWhat do you mean âwhat?!â Hazel, our high schoolâs entire cheer squad is here, and my cunt is out!â
âDonât worry, girl! Nothing we havenât seen before!â Stella-Rebecca chirped, flashing teeth as bright as her voice. âYouâd be surprised how often we do this.â
Your brow furrowed. âWhat do you mean?â
âJust last week, Annie hired us to stand outside Planned Parenthood with her and modify our cheers into protests,â Brittany said, shuddering. âWeâd much rather be here.â
âBut what aboutâ?â you gestured to your bare lower half.
Isabel waved you off. âPlease. Sylvie has us cheer on her solo sessions, like, every other day. This is nothing.â
âI swear, weâve cheered for everything except sports at this point,â Brittany murmured.
You hesitated, glancing down at Hazel.
She shrugged. âYou said some encouragement might help.â
Your eyes narrowed back at the cheerleaders. âAnd how do I know you won't tell anyone?â
âHave you never heard of cheerleader-patient confidentiality?â Stella-Rebecca gasped, pressing a hand to her chest.
âBut you said Sylvieââ
âSylvie signed a release form,â Isabel cut in. âI think her exact words were, âI donât care who knows that I rub my snatch. In fact, I want them to know.ââ
You had to admitâyour general discomfort was being outweighed by your relentless curiosity.
âFine,â you huffed, laying back. âShow me what youâve got.â
Stella-Rebecca beamed, squeezing herself to the front of a V-formationâcramped within the confines of Hazelâs bedroom.
âFive! Six!â she called out, clapping her pom-poms together as the others joined.
âFive. Six. Seven. Eight!
There she is! Thereâs our queen!
We heard sheâs on sertraline!
O! R! G! To the A! S! M!
She just has to find her rhythm!â
âNot bad,â you said. âMaybe try a chant with my name?â
Brittany rolled her eyes. âGirl, you know nothing rhymes with your name.â
You sighed. âTrue.â
âWe could try that other one?â Isabel suggested. âThe one Josie likes?â
You blinked. God, they really did do this often.
âLetâs do it.â Stella-Rebecca nodded, resetting her stance. âReady? Ok!â
âSenses blocked? We donât care!
Hazelâs gonna get you there!
C! O! M! E!
Hazelâs gonna make you scream!
Gooooooo Hazel!!â
âI feel like that one was more for me than her,â Hazel piped up.
You shrugged, shifting your hips. âI donât know. Itâs kinda doing it for me.â
Hazelâs eyes widened. âSeriously?â
âSeriously.â
âShit, ok.â She settled back between your legs and made a little wind-up gesture at the cheerleaders. âFrom the top.â
âââ
Seventeen hours had come and gone, and the cheer squad had all but lost their voices. Theyâd collapsed in a heap on the floor, moaning more from exhaustion than you ever had from sex.
âHazel,â Stella-Rebecca whined. âWe do charge by the hour, you know.â
If Hazel felt even a fraction of their exhaustion, she didnât show it. Her tongue stayed relentless, and she didnât bother glancing their way as she waved them off.
A collective groan rose from the pile.
âTold you we shouldâve unionizedâŚâ Brittany mumbled.
Meanwhileâthough you didn't think it possibleâthe longer Hazel stayed at it, the more your blood actually began to flow. You werenât close, not really, but you were closer than youâd ever been with a partner.
âHazelâŚâ you breathed. âDonât stop.â
And ironically, Hazel frozeâonly for a momentâbefore diving right back in. Her lips sealed around your clit, sucking with the wild determination of someone convinced youâd been snakebitten.
Your fingers tightened in her hair. âFuck⌠just like that, please.â
Again, Hazel didn't bother lifting her head when she gestured frantically back at the cheerleadersâmuch to their misery.
âOkay ladiesâŚâ Stella-Rebecca relented, dragging herself and the team upright. âReady? Ok.â
âWeâve gone into overtime,
So sorry if this doesnât rhyme.
We know youâre on sertraline,
Until now weâve had empathy!
But this is nothing like Sylvie,
âCause weâve been here for hours, please!
T! I! R! E! D!
Weâre tired! Tired!
T! I! R! E! D!
Weâre tired! Tired!
Let us goooooooo home!â
âYeah?â Hazel murmured, glancing up at you.
You nodded. âGetting there. Slowly but surely.â
âWhat can I do? What⌠what helps?â
You took in a breath, exhaled. âThere is one thing.â
âWhat? What is it?â
âI canât tell you.â
Her face fell. âWhy not?â
âItâs like⌠this thing. Like a specific AO3 tag Iâm into, and it's⌠really weird. But it always gets me off. Every time.â
âI swear I wonât tell anyone. Or judge.â
âNo matter how weird?â
âCross my heart, really.â
You sighed, then jabbed a finger toward the cheerleaders. âAnd you promised cheerleader-patient confidentiality!â
Stella-Rebecca raised her hands in surrender, then plugged her ears. The rest of the team followed suit.
You beckoned Hazel close and whispered in her ear.
Her eyes bulged. âThatâs what gets you there?!â
âYou promised you wouldnât judge!â
âYeah, butâŚâ she blinked. âI just⌠wasnât expecting that.â
âItâs fine,â you saidâthen paused, both of you suddenly unsure of what to say.
Finally, Hazel spoke. âHonestly? Iâm kind of relieved. I was worried it was gonna be, like, pet play or some shit.â
You wrinkled your nose. âGod no. I said AO3, not Tumblr.â
âRight,â she chuckled, giving your hips a squeeze. âI mean, if you want to pull that up and look at it while I do this, I don't mind.â
âReally?â
âIf thatâs what helps, sure.â
You whipped out your phone and pulled up a fic you were already familiar with.
âTake five, ladies,â Hazel said to the cheerleaders, then returned to her mouthwork.
âJesus, you fucking bitchâŚâ you nearly growled, eyes glued to your screen.
Hazel hummed against you. âIs that a good thing?â
Another groan. âShut the fuck up.â
She didnât take offenseâshe did exactly what she was told. Because maybe, just maybe, being mercilessly used as a human rose toy was her own weird little kink.
The deeper you got into your fic, the more sensitive you becameâthe better Hazelâs tongue felt, the more your hips shifted on their own. That familiar swelling gathered at your clit, your stomach tightening by the minute.
âHazelâŚâ you rasped. âI thinkâŚ
And as much as she wanted to stop for reassurance, or adjust her rhythm, or change tactics altogetherâshe didnât. She stayed steady, focused, just as sheâd want you to do for her if the roles reversed.
âI think⌠holy fuck⌠I thinkâŚâ
And then it happened.
It was no stronger than a deep breath through blocked sinusesâfloating through your stomach and up to your head before tapering off.
âOk,â you breathed, shutting your phone off. âIâm done.â
Her head lifted. âThatâs it?â
âYeah. Sertraline kinda⌠numbs the sensation too.â
âOh.â
You blinked. âAre you disappointed?â
âNo! God, no.â She shook her head, kissing along your thighs. âIâm just⌠really happy you let me do this for you.â
âAre we done?â Stella-Rebecca piped up, sprawled across the floor with the rest of the squad.
Hazel chuckled. âDismissed. Thanks, you guys.â
âPerfect! Isabel will send your total via Venmo.â Stella-Rebeccaâs perkiness returned as the team filed out. She lingered just long enough to drop a business card on the nightstand. âTell your friends, ok? We also do birthday parties, weddings, baptisms, and funerals.â
âBut not horse funerals!â Brittany called back on her way out.
I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I HATE cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I hate cigarettes I HATE cigarettes why why why WHYYYYYY do I see ANYONE my age smoke them GET BACK 𤺠BACK I SAY 𤺠BACK!!! đ¤ş
Oh, Iâm so embarrassedâŚ.. for the longest time, I thought your profile picture was that picture of jenna ortega.. you know, holding the umbrella in Wednesday. Iâve only just realised⌠and I never questioned why a Ruby Cruz account had a Jenna Ortega profile⌠whoops đĽ˛
Oh, Iâm so embarrassedâŚ.. for the longest time, I thought your profile picture was that picture of jenna ortega.. you know, holding the umbrella in Wednesday. Iâve only just realised⌠and I never questioned why a Ruby Cruz account had a Jenna Ortega profile⌠whoops đĽ˛
I just finished reading Forbidden Crown and I just want to say you are a phenomenal writer. Itâs so hard for me to find WLW fics I actually enjoy and also just WLW fics in general but Iâve been obsessed with Ruby Cruz ever since I saw Bottoms for the first time. I know absolutely nothing about her other characters but Kit has become one of my faves just because of your writing. Thank you so much for writing such an amazing story<3 I hope to see more from you in the future ^_^ Also good luck on your book!
I need to apologize for not responding to this sooner but I NEED you to know I have thought about this message every single day since you sent it in June.
I appreciate you SO very much and Iâm so glad you love my work!! My book is going well, Iâm about 2-3 chapters away from being completely finished! đ¤
What do you think about AI fanfics and character.ai?
I actually have some controversial opinions on ai.
C.ai: I fucking love it. I absolutely fucking love it.
AI fanfics: I donât think theyâre very well written, and I donât understand why people post them. Like⌠if youâre looking for a specific fic and you wanna generate it to fulfill a personal need, thatâs your choice.
But why post it?
You didnât write it. No one else really wants to read it (itâs not very good). Whatâs the point?
I enjoy using AI tools to revise my writing (grammar, clarity, repetition, etc). Iâm currently working on a piece where I had AI map out what a childbirth timeline would look like in medieval times, because I couldnât find much on Google.
But using AI to write a whole piece? And passing it off as my own? That Iâm certainly against.
I also have some strong opinions on the environmental impacts of AI but theyâre a little off topic so Iâll save them for another time.