Wedding fears #1: The Groom’s Speech
I have been re-watching an old series of “Cold Feet”. If you remember it, go and do the same as it is so well written and performed. If you are too young to remember then discover it! In one episode, as Best Man, Pete gives a truly embarassing performance at his mate Adam’s wedding. Let’s be honest, this makes great viewing but is not real life and no wedding speech is ever likely to be as awful as this.
Now, Best Man speeches are one thing and I will discuss them in a later article but let me focus on you, the Groom.
Being the centre of attention is a joy for some but a nightmare for others. That generally uncomfortable feeling can be managed and dealt with – again I will come back to it – and allied to this is the focus on your “speech”.
Questions you will be asking yourself: How long should it be? What if I can’t be heard? What if I dry up? How can I stay calm? What should I say? Etcetera, etcetera…..
So here are my pointers for you. I have been a Groom. I know how it feels. I have done a lot of public performing and I know what it feels like to have the jitters, forget words and to face a stoney faced audience.
Work through this checklist, see what applies to you. Use it, change it, message me with queries then….nail it!
Why worry? Because a wedding day is important for you and your Bride. It will be a culmination of lots of planning, anxiety, expenditure. You will be feeling a lot of expectation from friends and family. This is all natural. Worrying is natural. It is a good thing because it makes you aware, it makes you plan and it makes you realise that it is something that can be coped with. Oh, and you are reading this….so already you are starting to deal with it.
There are no rules. Books have been written saying what you must and mustn’t do. Ignore them. It is your day. Do what you want to do. As much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Oh and by the way there is no rule that you have to say a word….not one…if you really can’t face it.
Stop referring to it as a “speech”. That label makes it much bigger in your own mind than it actually is. The reality is it may be just a few words which takes you a few seconds to say. It may be longer than this, maybe a few minutes…..or even longer. Put it into context. On the day of your wedding you wake up at 8am say. You eat, prepare, walk possibly, chat with family, drive to the venue for say 1pm. So 5 hours have gone by. 300 minutes. It is then another 3 hours until you have to say something. Your words to your guests might last 3 minutes. It is a tiny amount of time isn’t it? Hardly worth thinking about really. It is a chat with guests. Nothing more grand than that. Give it a label if you want to: “My chat” or “A few words from me”.
Stop others referring to it as a “speech”. When you are asked about it simply say, “My few words are sorted out….what else shall we talk about”?
Perfection is not necessary. You will want to do the best you can….naturally. Do that. Mistakes occur in all things we do. When did you last make a mistake at work? Did you forget to buy something, or forget a birthday? I’ll bet the consequences were not that serious and you can smile about it now. If you plan you will not fail and here you are reading this….doing the planning. Great….onto number….
On a piece of paper write down the names of those you want to thank. It can’t be everyone by name but you could say “…and everyone else who has helped us make this day so wonderful”, after naming perhaps the bridesmaids, your best man and yours and your brides parents…just suggestions…there are no rules (see above). Then next to each put a few words down to explain why you want to thank them.
That is the main part of your “chat” done – or the content of it anyway. How easy was that?
Did you get that???….the speech (which we aren’t calling a “speech”) is mainly done.
Turn over the paper. On the other side write down a list of words that describe how you feel about your Bride, what it feels like when you are together, how it felt when you first met, what she brings to your life and what she does that makes you happy. Write down the naughty stuff too if that applies – it may not be appropriate for the actual day but it will help to formulate some other ideas for this list. Perhaps you have a special song with meaningful lyrics and want to recite a verse or chorus or perhaps a poem. Easy enough right? Great.
There on that single piece of A4 paper is all you need. How easy was that? Now let’s get it organised.
Get a bundle of those small index cards (postcard size) or blank postcards. On one side only using a separate one for each person you named on page one of your A4, write their name at the top. Big letters. Felt pen if you like so you can read it at arms length. Under the name write a couple of keywords, or bullet points to say why you are mentioning them. For example: “Steve (Best Man). Friendship. Laughter. Motorbike rides”. Then use one or more to list the things about your bride. Again a sort of heading plus a keyword or two will do. For example: “Patience – staying calm when I want to go to play sport instead of staying in”.
Finally on one card write “Toast”. It is not compulsory but usual to offer up a toast to your new wife. This will be the trigger for you if you need it.
Right, now put the cards in order. At the back the “toast” one. Ahead of that the things about your Bride and in front of that the thank you cards. Check you are happy with the order then number each card clearly in the top right hand corner and hold them together with a paper fastener or similar in the top left hand corner.
Review the bundle after a week. You may want to review again from time to time. That is ok. Change is allowed. Add or change as you see fit. Keep it simple and easy to read. Keep it to keywords or pointers…that is all you need.The bundle will go into your inside jacket pocket ready for the big day. That’s it. You have done the chat.
Relax. A few days before the wedding have a neck, back or Indian head massage if you are comfy with that or go to the gym or do a bit of physical exercise of some description. The plan is to get good mobility in your neck and shoulder muscles. This will keep you relaxed and blood flowing to your brain which will help with all I am about to suggest.
Ignore it. Your chat will occur a long way into the proceedings. Ignore it. Focus on what is happening in your day. When the time arrives it will happen and it will pass. You will have all the preparation done anyway so panic is unecessary and will achieve nothing.
Are you going to stand up to chat? If you are happier seated then do that. A few drinks, some nerves and all the adrenalin can be unsteadying and as I said in 2…no rules. Feet flat on the ground, seated or standing. Don’t rock around just be rooted to the floor. Feel the sensation of your feet on the ground. This is reality….however the nerves get to you this is a good solid foundation which will keep reality fixed within you.
Breathe deeply. When you are getting ready to chat take a few seconds before to close your eyes and do this. Feel the breath. Hear the breath and hear what is going on around you. It need only take 30 seconds. As you inhale think of breathing in sunshine. As you exhale breathe out worry and concern. Let it go. Practice this before hand. Try it once a week to see how you feel. Change it, adapt it but do try it. It isn’t a soft thing to do. It isn’t unmanly or silly. If it doesn’t help then you need not do it but I do encourage you to try. I use this technique in my everyday life to prepare for meetings, after a stressful day generally or to just allow a bit of space to prepare for the day ahead.
In the moment before you start think a happy thought. Maybe a place you have been with your new wife, or a happy childhood memory, a holiday place, or a home or person who has helped or inspired you.
Take out your bundle of card notes. Hold it at a comfortable distance to read. Relax your shoulders. Breathe out and open your mouth. Words WILL come out. Look up and look around. Look at people one at a time and chat as if you are talking to them individually in the street or in a bar.
Take your time. As you work through the bundle turn over each card or tear it off the fastener.
Be yourself. No one else. Do not mimic. Do not try to be funny if this is unnatural. Equally put in a joke or two if you are comfortable. Keep it light or say something meaningful….do what you want to do. As much or as little as you like.
Practice a bit at home. Don’t over do it. Remember it is a few moments in a big day. A small amount of time. Tiny in fact. It will pass. It will go well. Trust.
If this has helped please share it.
