i thought by 25 things would be better, i'd be better. but shockingly, doing nothing to improve has had mediocre results at best. i'm staying the same while everyone around me is improving. i refuse to get help, i refuse to grow. i'm stuck and i don't want to move. i'm ruining everything good that i have and i hope i can live with that. i am throwing away my best and only real relationship i've ever had. i am ruining friendships. i am losing steam. i want to walk into the desert and stare at the sun. i want to have some semblance of control over my life and thoughts and feelings. i want to smash by head into a concrete wall. i want to be different but i don't want to change. i am so angry, so broken. i want to drink and smoke until i cannot breathe. i want to choke everyone who comes near me. i want to disappear. i want to stop being so dramatic and just grow up and move on. i feel pathetic. it would be so easy to fix things, but it'd be more dramatic to give up and ruin everything.






















