summary:➸ ♡ Infamous for being every girl's guilty pleasure, Lee Haechan strutted through his life shamelessly. But recently, the new girl caught his eye. Im Hayeon, who he believes that would finally tame his wreckless heart. He was confident he could get the girl. And when he did, he never expected her to have baggages. For example, you, Im Hayeon's best friend. Who suddenly, sparked an idea on his pretty little head. You're trouble-- and you're making Haechan commit Illicit Affairs.
“You're making me do bad things, very, bad things. But then again, I'm no stranger in being the bad guy."
GENRE: Angst, Humor, Fluff, Smut
WARNINGS: MINORS DNI, Explicit Sexual Content, Drugs & Alcohol, Infidelity (Cheating), Mentions of Self-harm, Haechan and reader are assholes, nonidol!haechanxfem!reader
WC: 20k (I know, shush)
DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.
enjoy reading!!
To be fair, Lee Haechan never claimed to be the good guy.
No, matter of fact, he takes pride in being insufferable. He makes it his mission to piss everyone off when he gets in the room. He gets off knowing that even though they hate him, they still can’t get enough of him.
“Lee Haechan!” A girl screams on top of her lungs, rage evident with the way her voice scratches. “Fuck, Renjun, please open this fucking door—” He practically broke his knuckles from knocking at the door too much, but he didn’t care. He needs to get in— like, right now.
For what it feels like two decades, Renjun finally opened the door and he quickly threw his entire body in the room.
“Close it, close it, close it!” He says, struggling to close the door and just as soon as Gaeun, or whatever her name is stepped in front of the door ready to barge in, Haechan manages to close it properly.
“Lee fucking Haechan, what did you do this time?!” Renjun asks, more so yelled whilst grabbing his slippers to throw towards the heaving boy.
“Shit, put that down you crazy bitch!” He flinches everytime Renjun moves his hand with the weapon.
“What the fuck is happening—” Jaemin asks, just leaving the bathroom to witness the war that’s going on in his living room.
“A crazy girl is currently trying to break our door, again, thanks to this fucking—” Renjun finally throws the slipper, but Haechan, being in this same spot way too often, dodges it easily. “—whore!” he winces as he missed
“Okay y’all better keep it down before Jeno wakes up and I know you know he’ll fucking turn you upside down, Haechan.” Jaemin reminds the both of them that the real monster is sleeping, and if Haechan wakes him up even a minute early from his supposed alarm, Jeno would have his arm broken in two seconds.
“Fine! Injunnie, please, let’s calm down. She’s not even there anymore!” Haechan points at the door, and when they glanced at the little gap in the bottom, he was proven to be right. No one’s at the door.
“You’re gonna tell me what happened this time,” Renjun asks, this time his voice controlled but still angry.
Haechan takes a deep breath, plopping himself at the couch before slowly smirking at both of his friends in front of him.
“It’s kinda funny—”
“If you don’t tell us right now I’ll make you eat your shirt,” Jaemin says through his smile.
Haechan rolls his eyes. “Remember Gaeun? From the last party?”
Both his friends took a minute before nodding.
“Yeah so.. we had sex last night.. in her house… and uhm–” he cleared his throat. “Also remember that Spanish professor I bagged last month? Yeah… uh, that was kinda her mom.”
Five full seconds have passed but no one dares to say anything. Renjun’s jaw is on the floor and Jaemin, well.. he smiles like a freak after a few seconds of silence.
“Can’t say I’m not impressed, I mean.. if any of us will do the dumbest shit out there it would be you, but dude… that’s another level of whoreness.” Jaemin says, crossing his arms on his chest and shrugging like it’s a normal conversation.
“I swear to god, if any of those girls even try to get in my way to find you, I'll burn your entire pc set.” Renjun stated with a serious face.
Haechan smirks as he looks at him, fond of Renjun’s annoyed expression, exactly what he liked to see. He could’ve sworn Renjun looks the best when mad.
See, Haechan thrives in the thrill of it all. Girls love bad boys, and he’s really good at being exactly that. The rush of having sex feeds him, the adrenaline fuels his entire system.
He’s hard wired to be a rule breaker. And it’s not like he tries so hard to get girls, that’s not the case at all. Far from that, actually. He doesn’t try at all, which adds above the plethora of things that allures girls to him. With a face and body like his, with the way he talks sweeter than honey, and his movement flows smoother than silk, he gets girls way too easy.
And of course, he pleases girls just as good as everybody expects him to. Matter of fact, way above expectations, the very reason that girls overlook his lack of compassion, or just empathy.
He’ll take you to heaven and let you fall to hell with a smile dancing on his lips.
He’ll treat you as if you’re the most beautiful girl in bed, but act like he doesn’t know you the next morning.
And it’s not like girls doesn’t know that he doesn’t look for a serious relationship, because words travel fast, and Haechan’s reputation is well known, but then again, he’s just that good, that he got girls risking getting their fragile hearts broken in hopes that Lee Haechan will take them serious.
Pfft, even that sentence makes him laugh.
Different girls every other day, Renjun still questions how Haechan avoids diseases on how often he fucks. Jaemin calls his dick an immune titanium rod, and Jeno’s just convinced that Haechan has the most magical yet disgusting dick ever.
Meanwhile, Haechan just simplified it. He likes to fuck, and it’s just so happen he’s not bad on the eyes either, and God had blessed him with a stamina like a superbowl player and a libido of an incubus straight from hell. Not to mention, he’s big and he knows how to use it. With all of that combined, girls just fawn over him so… it all just makes sense. He doesn’t need to be nice. Lee Haechan is infamous for being every girl’s guilty pleasure.
“Who the fuck is she?!”
Haechan lets out an exasperated sigh, covering his right ear slightly as he flinches at the high pitched scream. Brushing his palm across his face, he faced the girl. Whispering an apology with the other girl on his side, he looks up.
“Look, Miyeon–”
“It’s Haru! My name doesn’t even sound like Miyeon!”
Haechan rolled his eyes. Pulling Haru on the side, “Remember how I told you we’re over?”
Although it was fun, Haechan has to admit that this part is exhausting. It’s the sex he enjoys, not the dealing with them after. He knows that they know that he’s not for the long game. It was never that serious, and with the amount of girls he had slept with, he expected them to already know how it is.
“You– you can’t just say that over text!”
“Well, I just did.” He says casually, as if there’s no crying girl in front of him.
“You said– you said you loved me, asshole!” Haru cried more, in hopes to see a glimpse of empathy in the boy.
“Must’ve been high or something,”
And right then, he felt a sting on his right cheek, and gasps from the small crowd that’s gathered. Haru walked off a crying mess, while Haechan was still trying to recover from the ringing in his ear.
“You handled that very well.” Yangyang teases when Haechan comes back to their table.
“Shut your ass up, before I knock your big ass teeth out,” He hissed, and sat by his girl that’s now looking at him shocked and angry.
“Look, baby she’s just crazy, alright? I’m done with her and I’m all about you now,” He says, disgustingly sweet as he puts his hands over her shoulders. and it sounds so fucking insane, but it worked. The girl looked up at him with hope, nodding, believing in what spell Haechan said to her.
“As I was saying,– before you got your ass handed to you– there’s this girl transferring mid semester from Sacred Heart, and apparently she’s the hottest girl from there,” Shotaro, one of his friend, says.
Haechan rolls his eyes, “I don’t care about girls, dude. I have my girl here,” He squeezes the girls arms and smirks at her, making his friends gag in disbelief.
Sacred Heart? He knew about girls from Sacred Heart. Jaemin’s girl, the same one who rejected him was from Sacred Heart. So no, he doesn’t like girls from Sacred Heart.
Besides, there’s plenty of hot girls everywhere, it’s not like he exclusively likes to fuck University girls. It’s not like this girl is that extremely hot to actually pique his curiosity.
“You’re so sweet, babe.” The girl leans on him, with a sickening smirk on Haechan’s face, he brazenly winked at his friends.
“Of course,”
His friends can’t help but to just shake their heads in amusement, seeing Haechan’s magic work first hand still amazes them sometimes.
“Holy shit,”
Haechan didn’t look behind him, even with his friend’s over dramatic reaction to something happening. Their eyes wide, pointing at the entrance of the cafeteria.
“That’s her, dude,” Yangyang says in almost an awe.
That’s what made Haechan look behind him.
And when he does… oh boy.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
“No, I swear, I’m in love!” Haechan clutches on the throw pillow, looking like a lovesick puppy.
Renjun was baffled. It was strange seeing him like this, Haechan never and he meant it when he says never, says that four letter word out loud, even more so pertaining to a girl.
“What’s her name again?” Jeno asks, brows furrowed.
“Im Hayeon,” Haechan says her name in such a delicate tone, as if said out loud, butterflies and rainbows will start pouring out.
“Sacred Heart, right?” Jeno reads off his phone, in hopes to find the girl’s picture. He admits she’s pretty, no, scratch that, she’s beautiful.
“Don’t you fucking dare, Lee Jeno. As a matter of fact, it goes out to the three of you– she’s off limits, alright, fuckers?”
Jeno scoffs, Renjun rolls his eyes and Jaemin– well he’s not here. “She’s all yours man. Heard everybody wants her ever since she transferred tho,”
Haechan almost laughs at that statement. “Trust, I will get her– because damn, I think I might go crazy if I don’t.”
Renjun still couldn’t believe all of this is coming from Lee Haechan himself. He’s still suspicious, but at the same time, he hopes that his friend really tries to be serious for once.
“I need everybody to know that I’m off the market. Officially!” Lee Haechan spoke with an intention, one only a love struck person would have.
“Damn, there goes his reputation– straight down the drain.” Says Jeno, watching Haechan daydream about a girl, holding a pillow close to his chest.
“I still don’t trust this,” Renjun says, watching his friend grow heart shaped eyes, clutching his chest on just the mere thought of that Hayeon girl.
And when he heard her talk, oh, game’s over.
Voice sweet as honey.
“I’m Lee Haechan,” He stood before Hayeon, confidently offering his hand to the girl, and damn, her eyes… Her eyes might just melt Haechan in a second.
“Hi.. I’m Ha–”
“Hayeon. Im Hayeon.” Funny, Haechan who’s infamous for forgetting girls names, remembers hers– and she didn’t even say a proper word to sentence yet.
“You’re really pretty.” He doesn’t recognize his own voice.
“You’re sweet,” and when Hayeon giggles and avoided his staring eyes, he knew.
Immediately, he knew it’s so over.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
“You’ve got two beds here, sweets. When’s your roommate coming?” Haechan asks in curiosity.
“Soon, hopefully. She’s from Sacred Heart too, been friends since forever,”
Haechan nods, “Aren’t they not accepting late registrants?”
“Yeah they are, but I talked to her on the phone and she says she’ll be here soon. I really hope she settles in quick, I don’t want to have a random roommate or something.” She states. Haechan finds it so cute that her face is so expressive. Every word comes with emotion, and he can just awe.
“I could be your roommate,” He snickers in.
“Don’t be silly,” Hayeon giggled, pulling a smile out of him.
“Don’t want to interrupt– but I think I’m gonna pass out if I didn’t have caffeine in the next two minutes..” Yangyang says suddenly, bursting the bubble Haechan and Hayeon were in.
“I’ll treat you guys! Dream cafe?” Hayeon claps in excitement.
Haechan shakes his head off, “Funny you think you’d pay when you’re around me, sweets. Don’t be silly,”
This isn’t like him, at all. It’s been three days, and he already can feel the lack of sex in his system. He blocked all his girl’s numbers and he can’t find it in himself to look at any other girls right now, except for of course, Hayeon.
“How long are you gonna keep up this act, man?” Yangyang whispered as the two of them walked behind Hayeon, entering the cafe.
“Shut the fuck up, what act? This is me, dude,”
“Don’t make me laugh, in about two days your dick will fall off and find a girl to fuck on its own,” Yangyang laughed but he got cut off when Haechan hits him at the back of his head.
“If she fucking hears you I’ll actually decapitate you,” He whispers, “–and no, it wouldn’t. I’ll make sure at the end of the week we’d be together and we’ll have the most mind blowing se—”
“Haechan? What’s yours?” He didn’t even realize Hayeon is already at the counter when she calls him. He quickly turns to her at a full tilt and beamed,
“Just Iced Americano,” He says, walking up to her to join her at the counter.
Once they settled in a table, Haechan just sat quietly listening to her voice, telling stories and he’s sure he’s never heard something sweeter. He felt like a creep, admiring her every feature but he can’t just help it.
He’s sure her lips would taste like honey, and god, what he would do to taste–
“What did you say your friend’s name again?” Yangyang says in between his sips.
“Y/n, why?”
“Y/n… where do I know her… shit I feel like I knew her..” Yangyang thinks harder than he does in his Biology exam, wondering why your name leaves familiarity in his tongue..
“She’s… been around. Have you perhaps… slept with her?” Hayeon winced at the end of her sentence. Haechan just furrows his brow, confused as to why they’re talking about a random person.
“Oh, fuck, Choi Seungcheol’s Y/n?!” Yangyang almost screamed. Haechan blinks thrice, very baffled about Yangyang’s reaction.
Choi Seungcheol? He knows that man.
And before he could join the conversation, Hayeon’s phone rings, and of course, her phone is pink, with a big ribbon at the back. Hmm, would she like pink flowers? Maybe–
[Shit, Hayeon, I’m not fucking pregnant!]
Yangyang spits the coffee in his mouth, and Haechan chokes on his own drink upon hearing the loud voice over Hayeon’s phone. The girl just froze, looking up at them with wide eyes, and then closing in her shoulders in embarrassment.
“H-hey, hi! I’m with friends,” She answers meekly, putting the phone off of the speaker.
Yangyang covers his grin over his coffee, Haechan acting like he heard nothing.
What a weird conversation starter.
“You’re at the campus? What? Now?” Hayeon says in panic. Haechan was alert in his seat, in case Hayeon needed him to come along.
And as expected, she now started to gather her bag, “Sorry, guys but I have to go. My friend’s somewhere the campus and I need to find her,”
“D’you need me with you?” Haechan offers, but deep inside him, he just wanted to lay down somewhere. All that heavy lifting made him tired– the caffeine getting him even more exhausted.
“No, not really, Channie.” The sudden nickname elicits a hue of pink in his cheeks, getting him flustered. No one ever calls him that.
Yangyang on his side snorts, eliciting an elbow from Haechan making him hiss. “I’ll text you, okay, sweets?”
“Alright, bye, guys!” And off she goes, with her elegant strides, she walks away.
“Channie– what the fuck was that?” Yangyang burst out laughing, but Haechan was still.
“I think I’m hard.”
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
Three weeks.
“I’m starting to lose eyesight on my ears– and I’m fucking chafing bro!” He cries at Jeno, who’s just focused on his game, unbothered by the grown ass man crying behind him.
This has been officially, since he lost his virginity, the longest Haechan went without sex and he’s about to explode.
“But I can’t– not when it’s not her. Fuck, man, why can’t she just put out!”
Haechan pulls at his hair, frustrated and horny. He doesn’t know what to do– he wanted Hayeon, that’s for sure, but at the same time, old habits die hard, and there’s only so much his hands can do.
He knew Hayeon wants him too– that’s just obvious. However, she just doesn’t allow him to take a step further, and duh, he’ll never do anything that she doesn’t want, so it leaves him where he’s at. Delirious.
“Jeno!” He whines again, this time, tapping his friend on the shoulders.
Jeno moves his headset from his ear a bit, looking at him. “What?”
“You weren’t listening all this time?!”
Jeno, eyebrows lifted and clueless, shrugged before going back on his game.
“You fucking bitch,” Haechan murmured before walking out the room.
He was about to take a cold shower, as always, but then his phone pinged.
[11:01pm] hayeonnie: hi haechannie, wanna come over?
As if electrified, Haechan straightened up, quickly bolted out of their apartment.
There’s only one reason why she would invite him over, no? At this time, too? Haechan can feel legit excitement on his body as he drives to her apartment.
He stood outside her apartment door, inhaling deep to calm himself down, and adjusting his already hard dick struggling in his skinny jeans.
[11:12pm] haechan: im here @ ur door, sweets ;))
Taking a look at his phone camera and fixing his hair, he waits.
After a minute, she replied.
[11:13pm] hayeonnie: omg, already? im out buying our snacks but the door should be unlocked u can w8 in my room !!
He stood there a little confused, but he understood quickly, because he did sprint to get here. His sneakers didn’t even touch the ground. He’s that desperate.
He texted a simple ‘okay’ and attempted to turn the knobs, and thankfully, it was unlocked.
Her apartment was cold, but definitely lived in. The few sweaters lying around the couch and the succulents decorated on every corner made the room cozy, really different when Haechan helped her move in a couple of weeks ago.
What caught his eye was a couple extra home slippers by the door, one bedazzled pink and the other plain white, with a hotel branding on its side. Huh, maybe her roommates finally here.
Haechan sat carefully on the couch, checking his pockets for something really important.
Pulling the foil out of his front pocket, he made sure he brought not one, but three condoms.
“Okay,” He sighs and finally sinks into the sofa. He can relax now, he’s ready. He’s just waiting for his girl!
As soon as he felt comfortable, his entire body jolts when he heard one of the door open.
“The fuck?” His brows furrowed as he sees a tall man shirtless walking mindlessly to the kitchen counter.
When he got a good lighting on his face, his eyes widened.
It’s Choi Seungcheol.
It’s Choi motherfucking Seungcheol!
He never even saw this man in person, but the stories he heard about the infamous Sacred Heart Alumni was crazy. Apparently, he hosted the most wildest party that went down in history, and ever since then, he led the Carat House which rivaled NCU’s biggest frat. A quarterback that had the entire season in his palm— and because of that, NCU looked at him as an enemy.
So yeah, as an NCU home grown, he was taught that Choi Seungcheol is kind of the villain.
He didn’t realize how bad he’s staring at the man, until he looked at him in the eyes with a sour expression.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” Seungcheol with his deep voice asks. Haechan blinks,
“Nothing–”
“Are you here for y/n? I hate to break it to you but she’s not seeing anyone else anymore. So I suggest get your ass out before I fucking–”
“No! N-No, I don’t even know her. I’m here for Hayeon, uh, she’s out for a bit but she’s on her way back.” Haechan defends himself, and he hated the way he spoke in panic. He’s losing his cool, damn if anyone could see him pissing himself infront of another man, he'd be ruined.
Seungcheol says nothing but nods, before grabbing his shirt which somehow, was under the table.
“Just making things clear. You don’t want to mess with me, boy.” Seungcheol says and smirks, before leaving the apartment.
When Haechan finally loosens up, that’s when he realize he’s been holding his breath the entire conversation. When the door finally closed, he shakes his head.
“Fucking bitch. I’d break his pretty little lips open if he’d said one more word but I’m– Jesus fucking christ!”
“He’s out?”
“Jesus!”
A girl peeped through the other bedroom door,as he holds his chest in surprise. What the hell is happening?!
“Oh, sorry. My bad,” The girl says, gritting her teeth.
Haechan still holding his chest, looked up at the girl. His knees almost turned jelly because holy shit, this girl is so fucking gorgeous.
And if he could only speak, the first word that would fall of his lips was–
“Damn,”
“What?”
Oh, fuck, did he say it out loud?
“Nothing– shit, yeah he’s.. uh, out.” Haechan straighten up his posture, putting his hands on his pockets and clearing his throat to gain composure back.
“Oh thank god, I don’t know how long I pretended to be asleep for his ass to get a hint,” You sigh, finally letting your entire body out the room and walk past him like he’s not standing there.
Even your voice sounded hot. It was deeper than Hayeon’s, with a slight scratch at your words as if you’d just got done singing at the karaoke for hours. It sounded so fucking hot in his ears.
You went to the kitchen, grabbed you a coke in a can and opened it with your teeth. The mere sounds of your actions was the only thing keeping the room less awkward.
“Lee Haechan, was it?”
“Yeah.. how’d you know?”
“Hayeon tells me everything. Also the fact that you’re pretty famous in this school,” You chuckle at your own words, and he can’t help but feel a little intimidated but definitely… something else.
Sure, one of the reason is because you look like you’re not wearing pants under your oversized shirt, but it’s more in how you handle yourself. You look like you don’t care about anything.
“Y-yeah but not anymore tho.. I’m straightening up.. you know, Hayeon likes good guys so,” He doesn’t even know why he’s panicking to explain.
“Sure she does. By the way, you didn’t see Seungcheol here, alright? Nothing gets out of this apartment,” You walked towards the couch where Haechan stood, and his body tensed.
He gets a whiff of a powdery scent, like some kind of delicate perfume you had on and usually he prefers fruity ones but he’s starting to like this one more.
“You know that the entirety of NCU hates him, right?” He acts nonchalant.
“I understand your lack of tolerance with him, yes. That’s exactly why,” You pause when you get near enough, “–you, Lee Haechan, won’t say anything about it. Besides, we broke up so I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.”
There’s something in the way you say his name, like it meant different. It felt strange, he’s used to hearing his name said with anger, adoration or pleasure, but with your voice, it just sounded… weird.
Before he could ponder about it further, the door opened, revealing the girl he had went here for. Right, Hayeon.
“Haechannie! I see you met y/n.” Hayeon were quick to step in between him and you.
There’s an awkward tinge in her face, as she smiles way too big, stretching her lips to appear enthusiastic. Haechan didn’t notice, but he definitely felt like him and Hayeon should just go inside her room.
“You’re right, Hayeon, he is a cutie.” You say, with the most obvious sarcasm.
“Right. Uh, we’ll go,” Hayeon gripped Haechan’s wrist, pulling him with her inside his room and before she could even close the door, his eyes found yours, and maybe he was hallucinating, but he definitely saw you look at him too.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
You lied.
You don’t think Haechan is cute.
You think he’s fucking hot.
His golden skin and his perfect lips made you almost quiver in fear, that you might just have the hots for your best friend’s man. Which even for a woman like you, is a low blow. You don’t want to be the girl who fucks a man whose spoken for.
So you tossed it to you being horny. Maybe Seungcheol didn’t do enough, maybe if you’d seen a different person standing on your living room, you’d feel bothered too. It’s not Haechan– no, it can’t be him.
Because if it is him, then you’ve got a real big problem. Especially the next day, when Hayeon told you the news.
“I agreed to be his girl, and we did it.”
Normally, you’d congratulate her because she doesn’t have that many ex boyfriends and she’s the type to take a relationship seriously. After a few years of being single– she finally has a man, again.
But damn, you’ll be lying if that didn’t annoy you one bit. How’d Hayeon get to him first? Ugh.
[NCU’s like… really big. Just avoid him a little bit and it’d be fine.] Your friend, who is probably the person you trust the most, talks across the phone.
“Jurin, he’s literally my roommate’s boyfriend. I can’t even get away from him in my own fucking apartment.” You say, walking around the campus trying to find the auditorium, for one of your lectures. Jurin made a point, this campus is enormous compared to SHU.
[I don’t know what to tell ‘ya, he is fine, and it’s your fault for missing the first day and he happened to see Hayeon first.]
Finally, you seem to see the entrance to the auditorium, but you’re not sure. You try to look at your schedule, “To be fair, it’s just my first week here. Maybe there’s someone else I could obsess over–”
“That’s auditorium hall three, Prof Watson’s lecture?”
You turn to see a boy, with baggy jeans, a baggy shirt, a snapback worn backwards with a headphone barely hanging on it, a laptop on one hand, and a skateboard on the other. You wanted to scoff, this is almost a stereotypical college dude, except he actually rocks it. You’re conflicted, if you find this hot or not.
“Oh, yeah, uh– thanks?”
“Osaki Shotaro, by the way.” He offered to shake your hand, but forgets that he’s occupied with both. That’s when you actually let out a chuckle.
[Hello?? Just find somebody to fuck to get your mind off the dude,] You forget that Jurin’s still on the phone.
“Yeah, I’m gonna call you back.” You absentmindedly say before hanging up the phone.
“Y/n.” You smile at him, and with his innocent eyes, he smiled back.
୨♡୧
“That was.. Wow.” Shotaro sighed in satisfaction, combing his hand across his hair.
You smirked at him, finding it adorable how he’s reacting to what just happened about three minutes ago.
Jurin was right, fucking somebody else was distracting enough to get your mind off of Haechan, but it felt like putting a band aid on a broken glass. You knew damn well you’d be back gushing about Haechan once you see him again.
“You’re great too, you know,” You say, fixing your skirt.
“Yeah sure but you… damn.” You chuckled at him.
Shotaro is hot, and shit, did he knew how to use his body. And for the first time, you had sex with a man who moans in Japanese. That was hot as fuck.
“Y’know rumors about the hottest chick from Sacred Heart went around before you transferred, and I never expected you’d even notice me in the first place,”
You furrowed your eyebrows. “Oh, that’s probably Hayeon. Not me,”
You let out a laugh. Hayeon has always been crowned the most gorgeous student in SHU, and you were always out of the spotlight. Lots of people thought that you’re in her shadow, but to be honest, you like being in the dark.
You get away from a lot of things being unnoticed.
“You’re Seungcheol’s girl, right?”
You wince after hearing your ex’s name, but you were also used to this. Seungcheol and you had a past, a very bad one at that, and people often asks you about it. He was basically a celebrity in your previous school.
“Was.” You put an emphasis on the word.
“Then you’re the girl they were talking about. And to be frank, I think you’re hotter.” Shotaro claims with his chest out.
“You’re saying that because we just fucked,”
“I’m just being honest, but yeah, that too.”
Shotaro chilled in the apartment a couple more hours when you decided to order food. Of course, he insisted that he paid, and who are you to resist free food.
“The audacity to say Game of Thrones is way too boring, and here you are gushing over Harry Potter?!” Shotaro yelled playfully.
“Hey, I like what I like. Game of Thrones puts me to sleep faster than white noise,” You slurp on your Ramen, entertained over Shotaro losing his shit.
You two continued to bicker until you heard the sound of the pin to the door being opened.
The both of you looked at who’s coming, and you mentally curse seeing Haechan’s pretty face.
You roll your eyes, breathing in his overwhelming cologne that immediately surrounds the place. His leather jacket that he somehow make it work, and his tight skinny jeans that made him look taller. Fuck, this was never your type. What is wrong with you?
“Dude!” Shotaro jumps excitedly, seeing Haechan. That’s when Hayeon followed in, smiling at Shotaro but the confusion in her eyes stayed.
“What are you doing here?” Haechan says, eyes switching from Shotaro and you.
“I invited him here,” You say, trying your best to avoid his lingering stare. You felt like a highschool girl avoiding her crush. This sucks.
“You two know each other?” Hayeon asks.
“Yeah, we’re friends.” Shotaro says proudly. Dapping up Haechan as soon as he got near him. Haechan seemed suspicious, still glinting his eyes at his friend.
“You and her?” Haechan whispered ever so slightly, in hopes to not be heard by you or Hayeon.
“Yeah, dude.” Shotaro knowingly nods in excitement, as if winning a game, dragging the word ‘Yeah’ to emphasize his exhilaration.
Haechan nods, silently commending his friend for bagging you. He never knew Shotaro had it in him, to be honest.
“Really, y/n, Haechan’s friend?” Meanwhile, Hayeon pulled you aside, scolding you as soon as you were out of earshot by the two boys.
“I didn’t know he was his friend?”
“Look, I believe you, but I want this thing with Haechan to work. And I can’t have you sleeping around with his friends and risking my relationship with my boyfriend–”
“How would that risk anything? I’m literally minding my own business.” This was one thing you hated about Hayeon. She gets too controlling, everything should be in her way. That’s how she wants it.
“I don’t know, maybe your hobby of sleeping around with his close friends then ghosting them to go back to Seungcheol– Gee, I don’t know if that’d upset Haechan and lookie here–” She points at herself animatedly, “Unfortunately, I’m friends with you so who will eventually take the blame?!”
Hayeon seemed to spit harshly with her words, and it left did kind of stung. Hayeon is nice, kind and caring, but there are times where she sure knows how to make people feel bad. Lucky for you, you’re one of the people who suffers from this side of her.
“Unfortunately– huh. Okay.” You smile bitterly at her, before grabbing your wrist back from her grip.
“Don’t worry, Hayeonnie. I’d step away from his friends, I wouldn't want to jeopardize your one week relationship with him. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I hope you shove Haechan so far up your ass, in that case, you’d be together forever, you psycho.”
You, on the other hand, never claimed to be nice.
As you walk away, you stare extra hard at her, and that’s when you see the familiar look in her eyes.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
The difference of being in a new school compared to your old one, is that here, you had to start from scratch.
Yes, people here in NCU might’ve heard something about new students from SHU, given the famous rivalry between two schools and students who love getting dirt from each other, but you still need to build your persona from level zero.
“Word around here is that you’re apparently the hottest chick from Sacred Heart.” Juyeon, your seatmate in one of your classes.
“Apparently? Are you not sure?” You huffed.
He tilts his head to the side, “Don’t get me wrong, you are hot. But I’ve always thought you’d immediately jump on either Haechan or Jaemin once you moved here,”
You let out a chuckle. This man has no idea. You for sure would’ve jumped on Haechan. Your timing just fucked you over.
“Well, Haechan’s with my friend now so he’s out of the picture. Jaemin’s sexy, but not my type.”
“Meh, I’d give Haechan a month before he gets bored.” Juyeon shrugged.
You look back at him with intrigue, “Is he that much of a fuckboy?”
“He’s the worst out of the four of them. Haechan is infamous for fucking girls left and right. Jaemin is a close second, but Haechan? That man is a monster.”
You don’t know whats wrong with you, but your entire body suddenly turns warm over hearing Haechan’s reputation. You shift in your seat, contemplating a lot of things. Nasty things.
“Yeah? That bad, huh.” You clear your throat.
“Yep. But hey, heard he blocked all his girls for Hayeon. Made her an official girlfriend too. That got to count for something. Maybe he’s a changed man.”
Changed man your ass. “Nobody really changes, Juyeon. They just mask their true color. That isn’t changing, that’s just faking.”
The attention you received was nice at first, but as it went on, it felt irritating. Everybody just wants to talk to you and get to know you, despite the fact that you’ve made it clear that you’d rather keep to yourself.
You don’t know how Hayeon, or even Haechan does it.
They instantly became the power couple after a few more weeks of dating– and surprisingly, it seemed to be going on smoothly. They were both popular, Hayeon climbing up the status quo extra quick now that she has Haechan.
You? Oh, you tried to lie low, go back to what you had before, and at least try to stop ogling your friend’s boyfriend. It was just annoying before, but now it kind of starting to affect you.
Every time he’s in the apartment, it’s like he made it his mission to fuck Hayeon so hard that her moans sounded concerning, and in about an hour or two, you’ll see them cuddling in the couch watching a movie you’re sure they’ve seen before. Like, hell, who haven’t seen the Notebook?
“We’re ordering in, you want some?” Hayeon kindly asks, one time when you catch them on the kitchen counter.
You just woke up from your nap, and as soon as you see them making out in the kitchen, you almost want to knock yourself out.
“Nope. I’m actually craving for…” You take a look at your limited choice of cereal, “Fruit loops.”
“Hmmkay, I’ll head down stairs to get some packages, I swear they never bring my packages up here. Babe, please go with me?” The sickening baby voice she uses left you cringing, and all you can do is to fill your mouth up with a spoon full of cereal. This’ll keep you from saying shit you’d regret.
“My legs are about to give up, babe, we went for an hour of dog–”
You almost spit out your cereal, freezing over what Haechan just almost said. Are they fucking kidding you?
“–Cardio.” Haechan’s attempt at covering his sentence went unuseful, because you’re not dumb. You knew what he meant.
“Heh, okay, babe. Can you wait in my room?”
You see him furrow his brows at his girlfriend, “Can’t I wait here?”
Hayeon didn’t say anything, but her eyes said a lot more. She looks at you as if she’s seeing a problem with your presence around her boyfriend, without her in the room. She looks back at him, and sighed. “I’ll be right back,”
Once she closed the door, that’s when you chuckled. Same old Hayeon.
“That’s weird,” Haechan starts.
“That’s just how she is. Don’t worry,” You say casually, as if what she pertained to isn’t about you. Because it’s always about you.
“What do you mean?”
“She doesn’t trust me around men, she thinks I’ll jump every dick I came across to– specially you, her boyfriend,” The exaggerated tone you added to the term boyfriend was prominent. Saying it just annoyed you.
“Oh.. that’s.. that’s crazy. How’s you and Shotaro?” You didn’t want to read into his demeanor, and how fast he changes the topic, so you just grin.
“Meh, one time thing. Don’t worry tho, he’s a sport. Don’t want to break any friend dynamics you have with your circle,”
“Why would you break the dynamics?”
“Your friend Yangyang hit me up last night– and I almost gave in, but I think Hayeon is right, I don’t want to mess with your friends.” You say absent mindedly.
“I mean, they’re grown ass adults, it’s up to them if they let some girl break the friendship.” He casually blurts out, not even thinking of what he just said.
You catch a tiny bit of offense to it, “Some girl?”
He immediately raises his eyebrows in shock of his own word, blinking rapidly. “No! No, what I mean is it’s okay to do whatever you like! They have to deal with their own shit and it’s on them if they let it affect anything,”
You nod. Why does he seem nervous? This wasn’t what you expected from him at all. People says he’s over confident and cocky, but why is he stuttering in front of you now?
“Besides, your school is a lot bigger than Sacred Heart, I’m sure there's plenty of men that I can have. It’s not that hard to avoid your friend group,”
“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.” He clears his throat, for what seemed to be the nth time.
“I mean, I could, technically, go for your friend– Jaemin, was it?” You don’t know why, but you lied. Mainly to get a reaction out of him, indulging into your little theory.
“What? No. Not him, he’s obsessed with the art kid from SHU. Jeonghan’s friend?” His explanation seems valid. You bit your lip. You were expecting a lot more.
“Jeonghan’s ex? The girl who slept with Sir Nakamoto?” You asks, intrigued at the sudden mention of the girl you once knew from your previous school.
“Yeah! That one!”
You smirk in amusement, “Huh. Small world.”
“Yeah so definitely not Jaemin. Or Jeno, Or Renjun. Nope. They already have their own girl.” He says in finality, shaking his head.
You chuckle at his expression. He’s so damn cute. You just want to… fuck.
“Alright, chill. I’ll step back from your friends. God, you sound just like Hayeon.”
He flinched over the mention of his own girlfriends name. He looked like he forgot about her for a second there, but you don’t let yourself believe that. You’re just feeding into your delusions.
You drink the milk that’s left in your bowl, and when you bring it back down to the counter, you see Haechan’s gaze lowering in your face, stopping right where your lips are.
“You got some, uh–”
You point at your lips, “Oh,” you lick the milk mustache above your upper lip, all while Haechan watches.
Shit, this looks like an introduction to some porn. You didn’t even mean to do it, you swear!
He clears his throat again, “B-but… would you tho?”
You raise your brow at his sudden question.
“Would I.. what?”
“J-jump.. on my… d-dick?”
Slowly, the smirk you had before shows again.
“Oh, Haechan, that’s not a nice question to ask your girlfriend’s friend, now is it?”
“I-I was just–”
“Finally! I ran up here as fast as I could, what are you two talking about?” Hayeon’s catching her breath, quickly stepping between you and Haechan, effortlessly breaking the thick tension between you two.
You, on the other hand, managed to break your eyes away from the boy and walked to the sink to wash your bowl.
“Fruit loops,” you lie.
Haechan was still standing there, trying to amuse his girlfriend, as if he didn’t just ask you if you would jump on his dick a minute ago.
“Yeah, fruit loops.” He whispers as he takes a deep breath.
Things just got way more interesting.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
Haechan doesn’t know what it is. Maybe he’s just really tired, maybe the exams are slowly getting to him.
He laughs. He doesn’t give a fuck about the exams.
“I don’t like your friend, Renjun. His smile seems so fake when he smiles at me,” Hayeon says through her teeth.
“Nah, that’s how he is on everybody. He doesn’t even smile at me,” Hayeon snuggled more onto his side as they continued watching the Kissing Booth.
“I guess you know him better, but still, can you tell him to be nice?”
Haechan just nods at her. Renjun is nice, only to people who’s nice to him. However, in Hayeon’s case, Renjun is still doubting his relationship with her. Something about being way too quick, or way too forced.
And even tho Haechan doesn’t show it that much, he does value Renjun’s judgement among all of his friends. He trusts him to see through all his actions, and think of what’s best for him.
But, of course, he still insist that his relationship with Hayeon will work. Because it needs to work. He’s not gonna embarrass himself after chasing this woman for so long— only for him to break up in a month.
“Let’s go to bed?” Finally, the awful movie ended, and a sense of relief washes over him. He hated the Kissing Booth.
“I’ll do the thing that you like..” Hayeon whispered lowly in his ears, making him smirk. She knows exactly how to get his attention.
However, before they could even get walk to Hayeon’s room, the front door swung wide open, revealing a huffing figure stomping inside.
You’re angry—no, you’re actually fuming. And it all made sense when he saw whoever followed you into the apartment.
“Fuck you!” You yelled as you threw your bag on the floor.
Seungcheol brushed his hands through his hair as he strides big steps towards you. Haechan frowned at how aggressive Seungcheol was approaching you and he was about to interfere, when Hayeon tightened her grip at his wrist.
“Don’t– they do this all the time. Let’s just go in,” She says quietly.
“Get out of my fucking apartment, Choi Seungcheol.” You say, voice cut deeply, eyes closed as if trying to gather patience.
“What were you doing with that Soohyun, huh? Throwing ass like I’m not fucking in the same room?!” Seungcheol shouted, pointing at you as if you were nothing. Haechan flinched everytime he sees Seungcheol almost touch you.
“We’re over, weeks ago, you delusional fuck! You’re fucking stalking me— it’s like you have a fucking tracking device, weirdo!”
“If you think we’re over, think again, bitch. I made you. I own you. You can do whatever you want, switch schools, create a whole new personality, but the truth is, you’re still the same fucking slut for me.”
“That’s–” Haechan was supposed to get in between you and Seungcheol, but a forceful tug on his wrist made him stumble back to Hayeon’s room.
”Leave it, Haechan. It’s not our business!” Hayeon then slammed the door shut.
“That’s your friend, babe! He’s going to hurt her!”
“It’s their problem, Haechan! They’re always like this! That’s how they are! An hour from now, they’re gonna be fucking like rabbits next door, trust me.”
He doesn’t know what to feel. Did they see the same thing? Did she not see how aggressive that guy is towards you? How can Hayeon let her friend get treated that way?
Haechan was straight up dumbfounded.
Maybe it’s a Sacred Heart thing. He’s heard some of the crazies went there. Maybe you’re one of them.
But every minute that had passed, he felt like his ears was hyper alert. His eyes wandered around the thin wall separating Hayeon’s room to where you are.
Another muffled scream, followed by a thud that sounded like something being thrown across the room. It felt like a telenovela, a drama that he used to watch.
“They’ve been like that forever. Y/n always leaves, but Seungcheol always chases. It’s a cycle, and you should be used to it, because no matter how bad they get, they’ll still end up together.” Hayeon further explained.
But he still doesn’t get it. He only saw a fracture of your relationship with that man and he could already tell it’s not a very healthy relationship, a dangerous one at that, and Hayeon, who’s apparently supposed to be your friend, witnessing this for a long time— thinks this is okay?
“Don’t worry, babe, okay? It’s fine.” Hayeon’s attempt at calming him down did little to nothing. Not when the silence that followed sounded terrifying.
Turns out, Hayeon was right.
The angry curses, the yelling, and the aggression earlier was completely gone— replaced by the same words, just different way of expressing them.
Haechan hears a very different types of curses next door now. The rhythmic banging on the wall adds to it all, and all he can think of are you graphic moans filling up his brain.
Haechan was rightfully confused. However, confusion isn’t the only one swimming in his system, there was something else. Hearing you get fucked less than five feet away from him left an unnamed sensation he was scared to confront.
So, he did was he does best. He distracted himself by focusing on the girl he’s with, the girl who he should only think about.
Yet, despite his eagerness to erase whatever thought he had, Haechan was never a strong willed person. He admits that he’s mentally weak, that he’s a slave to his own body.
So when his brain was focused on Hayeon, his body reacted differently.
Because every time he hears you moan, his hips involuntarily thrust– and then everything else just happened without him thinking about anything, just desperately seeking release. He listened to every cry you made, every breath you take.
“Ah,” He moans deeply, eyes closed shut as he tried to scrape the bottom of the barrel and listen intently to your whimpering next door.
“Harder,” Your faint voice kept him going.
Not Hayeon’s, no one else but yours.
“Hm-hmm,” He bit his lip as he followed your order, thrusting with extra vigor. He kept his words vague, not letting Hayeon figure out what the fuck is in his head.
“Cum,” You muttered more incoherent words but he takes what he could understand. And as if in command, he cums. Hard.
The moment he opens his eyes,
“God, what’s with you tonight!” Hayeon giggles in satisfaction, catching her breath. Once he was back in his senses, a huge wave of guilt washed over him.
Did he… just fucked his girlfriend to the thought of you?
He shakes his head violently, as if the idea of him doing it could fall out of his memories.
Haechan was a pervert. He never denied it. But this… this just made him feel dirty. He’d admit, he isn’t the nicest, but come on, he’s a decent human being–sometimes.
“Where are you going?” Hayeon asks when she looks at him.
He grabbed his jacket, “Renjun called.” He didn’t.
“Uh, okay?”
And for the first time, Haechan didn’t bother to look at her eyes before he walked out her room.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
Haechan had already heard of every insult he can imagine, and he never finds it in himself to care. Heck, sometimes, he takes pride for being called a manwhore. In his mind, that’s just another way of saying he gets so much pussy, that people felt the need to give him the title.
But this time, it’s different. He didn’t hear it, he felt it.
This was the first time he felt a tiny bit of shame. And it doesn’t feel good, like, at all.
He struggles to even admit that what people thought of him was true. That he cannot handle being in a serious relationship longer than a couple months.
He could’ve sworn that what he felt with Hayeon was true, it was intense, it was a different feeling than the girls he had before. But then you came along, and ruined everything.
Any chance of Haechan finally finding his true love crumbled upon his feet, all because of you.
That’s it, you’re a curse. A curse he needs to avoid at all costs.
“Woah, you look like shit.” Renjun sat beside him, carrying a shit-eating grin only a true friend could show.
“Shut up, I’m in a predicament.” He brushed Renjun off.
“Predicament? Big word for elmo,”
“Aish–” He hits Renjun, softly, of course, and Renjun just laughed. Seeing Haechan visibly distressed somehow intrigued him, because Haechan never worries about anything, at all.
“Is it Hayeon?” He asks casually.
Haechan sat straight, coughing– “Nope! Not at all– me and my girlfriend are very happy together.” Haechan frantically shakes his head, smiling as if a gun is pointed to his head.
“O-kay? Calm down, freak.” Renjun proceeds to take out his laptop.
Haechan rolls his eyes, but as soon as he focuses on the door of the lecture hall, his breathing hitches.
You entered, hiding under a black hoodie, head hanging low. You clutch your bag as if someone’s out to take it from you. Your steps are calculated, but rushed at the same time.
Odd, Haechan muttered deep in his breath.
However, even after being intrigued by your peculiar demeanor, Haechan didn’t approach you. Not that you care tho— this is only one of two classes he shares with you. It’d be easy to avoid you, right?
Wrong. In some shit luck, for the semester’s first project by pair, his name just had to be called after yours.
Biting his lip as he strides to reach you, he took a deep breath before actually approaching you. You had this dark aura, ever since the start of the lecture. Haechan couldn’t name it.
“W-we’re partners,” There’s the fucking stuttering again. He swears this is all your fault.
About three seconds passed before you finally acknowledge him, like you’ve been pulled out of a trance. You snap at Haechan, but the wary eyes turned soft as soon as your eyes connects with him.
“Yeah. R-right, uh– let’s just do it in the apartment, so we’d both be comfortable since you basically live with us too.” The pathetic attempt of smirking did little to nothing, to cover the puffy eyes you desperately hid.
But then again, Haechan’s not in the place to ask you whats wrong. He doesn’t want to be concerned, nor does he want to care. It’s not like you’re someone to him. Psh, you’re just his girlfriend’s best friend.
Jesus fucking christ.
“K.” He slings his bag on his shoulders, and spins around to walk away.
What you didn’t see is how tight he grips the strap of his bag until his knuckles turned white, and his breathing shakes as soon as he left.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
This won’t do.
Ever since he got to your apartment, all you said to him was ‘Hi,’ and you never talked to him again if it’s not about the project. Worst, you keep your words as minimum as possible, and your hand trembles every time you type in your laptop.
There’s no way you’re okay. You’re avoiding his stares, you’re refusing to hold a conversation even for a minute.
Haechan should be glad, you make it easier for him to avoid you, but instead of relief, Haechan is faced with worry.
You’re not acting like you. Your usual confident and carelessness was replaced by whatever this is.
He curses in his head, before slamming his laptop close.
“Let’s take a break,” He says.
You shake your head, “We’re almost done,”
“I know, so we should take a break,”
“Haechan—“
“You look like you’re gonna shatter any second now, y/n. So let’s take a fucking break.” Haechan’s stern voice was a rare occurrence, but he needed to be assertive.
You gulped and finally take off your hands off the keyboard.
“Are you okay?” Haechan carefully asked, as to not make you uncomfortable.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine,”
This time, your eyes glare at him. Haechan blinks, trying to hold a stare but he couldn’t. Your bloodshot eyes was trying to suck him in.
“Seungcheol… he’s not a bad guy.” You started off and immediately, Haechan didn’t like where you were going.
“Is he why you.. look like that?”
“I look like a what?”
“Like you’re on the verge of breaking down,”
“Haechan-ah… tell me. Are you happy?” In an innocent mind, this question seems simple. In Haechan’s mind, this felt loaded.
“S-sure..”
Is he really? Pff, no. He accepted the fact that he might not really be inlove with his girlfriend and dove into a committed relationship head first way too fast and now he’s on a position that might just ruin his new found reputation of being a good guy. So, yeah, no.
“I’m glad. Cuz I’m really not.. Seungcheol was my safe choice, but when he gets like this.. it’s not fun. So I decided to leave him, for good. But I realized that no one’s on my team now that he’s gone.” You sounded so off. Like you weren’t yourself. Haechan couldn’t bear it, so he looked away.
“I’m on your team,” He softly says, hopefully sounding less cringy.
“Really? Haechan-ah?” Okay, he really doesn’t like it when you call him Haechan. It sounds so.. unfamiliar.
“Yep. Me, Hayeon, and all your friends are here for you.” He didn’t like saying his girlfriend’s name whilst talking to you, but he knew he had to draw some kind of line. Just in case you get the wrong idea, or worse, he gets the wrong idea.
You let out an awkward laugh. He doesn’t understand which part of this you find funny at all.
“Right. Hayeonnie.” This time, it sounded like you hated her name. Like it didn’t need to be in the conversation.
“So.. promise me you’ll never go back to Seungcheol again, okay? He’s a bad guy,” He exaggerated a scolding tone just to lighten up the mood but it didn’t do much.
You just nodded– looking like you just wanted to end the conversation.
Thankfully, a notification from his phone breaks the dead silence. He used it as an excuse to escape.
[7:03pm] hayeon: I’m at my sisters, babe. Aren’t u going to Yang’s party tonight?
He sighs. Right, his loving girlfriend.
He can’t just leave you all alone, can he? Not when you’re in this state, not when you’re not okay.
This isn’t even about his problem with you anymore. Any decent human being wouldn’t leave a poor girl all alone when she clearly needs someone.
“Come with us to Yangyang’s party. Take your mind off of things.”
“I–”
“It’s either you go or I’ll drag you with us.”
There was another pause, silence filled with tension you could cut through with a knife. You didn’t say anything but sighed, basically confirming to Haechan that you’ll go.
You guess you needed a little distraction.
“I’ll be there.” You softly whisper. You closed your laptop, and stood up from the coffee table straight to your room.
As soon as the door clicks, Haechan catches his breath. He doesn’t realize he’s been holding it in everytime you look at him. Thank God you didn’t notice it.
This will do him good. It’ll clear his mind, and in no time, he’ll be back in his girlfriend’s arms. You’ll be busy with other people and you’ll be out of his sight. Yeah.
[8:56pm] hayeon: Can’t go to Yang’s tonight babe :( My sister needs me to help with something. See you tomorrow?
He was about to reply, when another message popped up in his phone.
[8:57pm] yangyang: u better come to my party !! bring ur gf or wtv.. make sure she brings y/n too haha
[8:57pm] haechan: im going, but hayeon cant go. y/n will be there.
[8:58pm] yangyang: fuck yeah dude i cant w8 to see her!!!
Why is Yangyang so obsessed with you? Didn’t you say you turned him down already? Well, knowing Yangyang, he does get a bit infatuated with someone that does so much as give him the time of day, but come on. You already said no to him, right?
Haechan reminds himself to reply to Hayeon, but his mind was somewhere else.
So he never did.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
“It’s been so long seeing you without your girl, dude!” Yangyang excitedly put his arms around Haechan, almost choking the guy. In return, Haechan elbowed him slightly, just to get the guy off of him.
“You’re choking me, asshole.”
“Huh, could’ve sworn you’re a little bit into that.” Yangyang joked, earning a hefty hit from Haechan.
He kinda get Yangyang tho. It has been a while since he attended some party without Hayeon by his side, and honestly, it kinda brought back a vibe in him. Only this time, he needs to be careful.
The hushed whispers of girls upon seeing him alone was noticeable, some even saying that maybe Hayeon’s out of the picture. He needed to clear things up before everybody misunderstood.
“My girlfriend, Hayeon is at her family house. She’ll be with me tomorrow.” He says very loudly, for everybody to hear.
He doesn’t know why he felt the need to prove others wrong, but one things for sure. He’s not going to mold himself to the expectations of him not being able to keep one girl for a long time.
“Alright, man, no need to yell.” Shotaro popped in his right.
“Where have you been?” Yangyang asked.
“Y/n’s over at the hallway with Soohyun. I think she’s wasted, dude.”
Haechan’s ears perked with the mention of your name. You’re here earlier than him? And you’re already wasted?
So what? Not my responsibility. Haechan says to himself. He grabs one of the shots on the counter and downed it straight. Haeving, he goes and takes another.
“Slow down, stupid!” Jeno appears beside him, chuckling a bit.
He shakes his head. No, no, no, no, no.
“Are you okay?” Renjun asks, this time more seriously. He had never seen Haechan being in distress for long periods of time, and never this conflicted. He knew Haechan like the back of his hand.
“I’ll get over it.” Voice rasp, Haechan walks away from his friends.
He rings his girlfriend one time, only to be answered by a robotic voice telling him she’s busy. He tried it again, but the result was the same.
Every shot he encountered, he drank. He can’t really handle anything without being sober, let alone think about you while being sane. He’ll go crazy.
But then the when the alcohol hits, his thoughts got more even insane. Batshit. He can fucking hear your voice now.
Your screams, when you were fighting with Seungcheol.
Your moans, when he was pounding you to oblivion.
Your tears, when you yelled profanities.
And your fucking words that made Haechan cum that night. The same fucking words that he knew wasn’t meant for him, but he took it as if you whispered in his ear.
“Fuck!” He screams out of frustration. He felt disgusted with his own thoughts.
“Haechan?”
Man these walls must be talking ‘cuz he swear he just heard yo–
He turned around to see you, and he can’t pin what his exact feeling the moment your eyes met. He was relieved for a split second, then he suddenly felt tense because it was like he manifested you to appear in front of him.
“Y/n–”
“Look who decides to show up without his pet.” Another voice popped from behind you, however, he can’t think of anyone else but your flushed face.
“Didn’t you miss me, Haechannie? Come on, I know your girl doesn’t compare..” It was a drunk Gaeun, stumbling past you, managing to nudge your shoulders.
Her hands finds Haechan’s shoulders, putting her entire weight pulling him down to her level.
He was in panic mode. You were just standing there, visibly disturbed, rightfully so, as Haechan tried to push Gaeun away as respectfully as he can.
“Gaeun, pleas–”
“Are you fucking insane?” Your voice thundered as your hand pulled the drunk girl away from him. His eyes widened, feet frozen as he sees you drag the girl away from him.
“Get your hands off me! Haechan!” Gaeun screamed for him, but he can’t really do anything, he’s still, fascinated at the scene in front of him. Are you.. jealous?
But when he notice the moment escalates and you’re now dragging Gaeun by her hair, he jumped into action and gently tried to pull your wrist away. “Let go,”
Your sharp eyes turned to him, still in attack mode, but you took one deep breath and let go of her hair. A sobbing mess, Gaeun runs away from you.
“You’re really gonna let her be all over you like that? What if I wasn’t here?!”
“Y/n–”
“You’re crazy if you think I’m gonna let you cheat on Hayeon with a bitch like her–”
“Then who else?”
His hands aren’t on the steering wheel anymore, and any control he had– he threw it all away.
“W-what?”
The game was over. Haechan forfeits, this isn’t something he can deny any longer.
Haechan, still holding your wrist, pulled you closer to his body.
“Who would you rather me cheat on her with?”
“Hae–”
“Nope. Wrong name. Come on, say it.” He completely turned off the switch. He basically slashed the throat of the angel that gives him the conscience he’s been holding on so tight, and grabbed the devil’s hands.
This was a risky game he was playing, you could totally call him out, and tell Hayeon right away, but the other side of the spectrum is way too good to even think of the risk. You could come to him and give him a taste of what he was craving for.
“You’re drunk–”
“Were you drunk those nights when you’d stare at me when I visit Hayeon? Were you drunk when you pretend you didn’t find me hot? Or were you drunk when you moan extra louder whenever I’m around while being fucked by your boy-toy? Huh?” You couldn’t even recognize his voice at this point. He sounds so… out of it.
“That’s–”
“Being drunk has nothing to do with this, y/n. I’m gonna ask you again, you can just turn around and pretend nothing happened, and we’re just both drunk to think straight. But tell me, y/n, the truth. Didn’t you at least think about what it’s like? To be fucked properly?”
Think about it? Fuck that. You fantasized about it. Day and night. Haechan plagued your mind twenty-five-eight, and the fact that he’s inside your friend’s room instead of yours.
So yeah, you did more than thinking about it.
“This is bad..” You whimpered, lips a paperthin away from each other.
“You make me do bad things, very, very bad things. But then again, I’m not a stranger to being the bad guy.”
And just as Haechan lets the last word fall from his pretty lips, you took the bait. You shook the devil’s hand and kissed him. And from then on, you know there’s no going back.
Haechan pulled you by the waist, and your hand grips his neck to deepen the kiss. As your tongues danced to a perfect rhythm, you feel his other hand take the back of your left thigh, urging you to wrap them in his waist, signalling you to let him carry you. Which you did, you were always a good listener.
It’s crazy. You feel everything, all at once and it was so overwhelming but it felt right. Which is such a fucking lie because everything about this is wrong. It’s so wrong, but fuck it, it felt so right.
Carrying you by your ass, Haechan managed to walk inside one of the rooms, and because you’re so hyper focused on touch and what his lips are doing, you didn’t even realize that you’re already in a bed, ‘til you felt a soft texture on your back.
Haechan pulled away, and takes a second to look at you from above, “Fuck, you’re so pretty. You’ve always been prettier,”
It sounded so bad, yet so good in your ears. You can’t believe you’re hearing this from a boy who’s just a month ago, drooling over your friend.
“Shut up before we come back to our senses and realize how fucked up this is,” You murmured.
“Why do you gotta spoil the mood, baby?” He whines but still kissed you again, letting his hands roam free across your body.
His fingers stealthily pulled the hem of your shirt, letting his bare hands come in contact with your stomach which you respond with a shudder.
“Hmm, my baby’s ticklish.” He chuckled as if he just unlocked a new discovery.
He continued kissing you on your neck, you assume its to distract you from his hand slowly creeping up your bra. Which he does a bad job at because you can feel everything he’s doing. And once he came in contact with your nipple, you let out a proper moan.
“God, you even sound pretty.” You supposed you already expected him to be a talker in bed, but nobody prepared you on how good he can be at it.
“Can I take this off?” He looks at you as he tugs your shirt.
“Please,”
He smirks, “Let’s just.. take everything off, hmm?”
You eagerly nodded. You keep on thinking excuses in your head, that in some fucked up way, this is okay. That this was fine. That this is how it should be.
Before you know it, you were naked in front of him, You’re naked in front of your friend’s boyfriend.
Haechan used his arms to lift himself up, looking at your body with lust dripping from his iris, jaws slightly ajar. “Fuck.”
Not long before his hands continued roaming around your body and it felt like every single touch burned, but you loved every single sensation that came with it.
“This is bad…” You whisper, but your hands pull him closer.
“So bad,” He says, grinding his clothed member on your core, and even if the rough denim felt uncomfortable, it doesn’t compare to the pleasure that it gave you.
You see his other hand struggle to open his pants and pull ‘em down. You help him with his shirt which he gladly removed, and when you’re both exposed, that’s when he finally puts his hand to good use.
You moan at the initial contact of his fingers onto your folds. He used his free hand to get the hair out of your face, just to see every single reaction you gave him.
He deepens the contact, until you feel his long fingers sink in and thats when you curse. It felt fucking good. “Hae..chan,”
“Uh-huh,” He encourages.
His fingers went in and out, gradually going faster, and you couldn’t help but whimper. You grab his wrist when you felt like cummin, because you can’t believe he managed to make you feel this way, this quickly.
“Your hands,” He warned, so you let go. This authoritative voice he has made you feel some type of way.
He continued to move, like he knew you were in the verge. “Look at me when you cum,” He says, this time with a much softer approach.
But it was hard to open your eyes– especially when you started to feel euphoric. However, Haechan wasn’t gonna take it. He grabbed your face, forcefully making you look at him. “Open your fucking eyes, or else I’m gonna stop.”
“No, p-please.” You shake your head.
“Then look at me,” He says.
And then, you exploded. A moaning mess, you try to stop your legs from shaking but it proved to be ineffective, as they still shook from the sensation you just felt. It was different– everything felt different with him.
“Good girl,” He almost growls, “Good fucking girl,”
You were catching your breath, recovering from the mess you made. Haechan was something else. You’ve had orgasm before, but this was the first time it felt so real.
“Can I fuck you?”
There’s a shift in his voice, almost confusing you why he sounded so… whiny. You bit your lip as you look up at him and you nod.
He whispered a soft okay, guiding you to sit up. Thats when you realize he’s also naked and fuck, of course he has to be hung. There’s more to his face— that’s why girls go fucking coocoo for this man.
He sits up by the head board as he pumps his own cock in front of you, while he looks at you lustfully, as if he’s seeing his fantasy come to life. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispers.
You crawl your way to him, eyes can’t help but stare at his hand desperately jerking himself off. You tap it away and he knew by then what you were trying to do. His hands instinctively go to the back of your head. He looks down at you by the tilt of his head as his jaw hangs low.
Your hand replaces his, and Haechan knew– he’s fucked. The flick of your wrist felt so good.
And then, you try and give him a tiny lick, and he could’ve sworn he almost came there and then. But he’s not a pussy– oh no, if he’s gonna come, it has to be from fucking you.
“Oh, fuck, y/n,” he moans when you finally suck him fully, gripping the remainder of his base where you can’t go even more lower. Your name falls way too familiar from his lips.
Not even a full minute of you sucking him off, he pulls you by the hair. “Need to fuck you now or I’ll come,”
“Okay,” You whisper, waiting for him to guide you what to do next.
“Ride me, baby.”
You spread your legs and straddle him. You grab his cock and line him up to your core and slowly sinks in. Both of you gasp, you from the stretch, him from the grip you had on him. It felt so right– so perfect.
“You’re made for me,” He says more to himself than you.
You gain momentum, finding a rhythm that works with the both of you. Every time you sunk down, Haechan lets out a whine– then a praise after. His words, if you’re being honest, is what kept you going besides, of course, the feeling of him being inside you.
“Baby, my god,”
“Yes,” You almost growl when you felt that you’re coming undone, again, the twist in your stomach slowly getting more intense.
“Y/n, baby, do I make you feel good?” There he goes again with his whiny voice.
“Yes,” You breathe out.
“You fuck me so good,” He moans, eyes rolling backwards. He looks so scrumptious, and you just want to ruin him.
His eyes started burning through yours, you don’t even see him blinking. Haechan does not want to miss anything on your face as he fucks you. He wants to remember every single second.
“Shit, shit,” He curses, wrapping his arm on your waist, forcing you to fall onto his chest before planting both his feet on the mattress to fuck up into you.
A high pitch moan came out of you, and you couldn’t believe you could even make that noise. Haechan takes it out of you.
“You make me– fuck, please, please– y/n,” He’s blurting out words, burying his head on your neck. You grab the headboard to balance yourself because it felt like you’re gonna fly out of the bed with the way he’s pounding onto you.
“Say my name,” He groans.
“Haecha–”
“No– Donghyuck. My name’s Donghyuck.”
“Donghyuck, please, cum in me.”
And just like a command, or a magic word, he stilled in you and you felt warm ropes painting your insides as he let out the sluttiest moan you’ve every heard from a man.
“F-fuck,”
You were shaking, but so is he.
“You’ll fucking kill me, y/n.”
Only you, him and the faint music outside these four walls are the only distraction you have as you laid beside him. And then it hit you.
“We just… fucked,”
Haechan— no, scratch that, Donghyuck, let out a snort. “Yeah we did.”
“That’s really bad,”
“It is,”
You sit up, starting to grab your clothes one by one.
After-dick clarity starts to sink in and the pleasure from before was replaced with a crashing wave of guilt.
“This is a mistake, Donghyuck.”
He brushes his hands across his face as he tried to get a hold of your wrist, to stop you.
“Then let’s keep making mistakes,” His voice was sultry. A note lower than what he usually sounds. Like when he was fuck—
No. Hayeon. Haechan and Hayeon. Fuck.
“Big ones,” He continued. You pull your hands away from him and as soon as you dressed up properly, you look at him one last time.
Half naked, he bites his lip as he matches your eyes.
“This will never happen again.” Was the last thing that you say, before slamming the door in front of his face.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
“Donghyuck—”
“Hmm, yeah? Feel so good, huh?”
You look at the mirror as Donghyuck pounds into you in oblivion.
Like a starved man, he locks both your arms around you back, with his hand, while his other hand is busy putting a joint in between his lips.
He hits a long drag, but not letting it affect the way he fucks into you. He’s still in so deep, and it felt euphoric. He looks at you at the mirror and smirks.
“My baby wants a hit?”
You nod, desperately at that, and he then bends over, letting his refined chest hit your back. Instantly, you felt a cool sensation from his dog-tag, but every inch of his skin was warm. Hot.
He puts the joint in between your lips, letting you drag a long one before licking the back of your ears.
“Told you it’ll double the fun when we’re high,” He whispers.
“Love it, Hyuckie, love it so much–”
“Love fucking you too, my y/n. So fucking much.”
You, also as if starving, ate all your words.
Because when you said you’ll never mess around with him, you still found him eight inches deep inside you the next week.
It happened again, and again, and again.
You know this will blow up in your face eventually– but you can’t help it when Donghyuck gives you everything you wanted. He fucks you like he owns you, like you’re the only person in his world.
And despite how many times you convince yourself that you’re a strong willed person, Donghyuck just knows how to get you. One smile, one look, and you’re on your knees for him. Your name just falls off of his lips way too smoothly, melting you into a puddle each time.
But everytime he walks out the door, an immediate wave of guilt washed over you. You hate that you can’t call him yours, even when he makes you feel like you’re his.
He was your own brand of ecstasy, taking you to places you didn’t even know existed, and even though you knew it was all in your head, pretending like it’s real for a moment, felt so addicting.
You knew not to be attached, but you also knew going into this that you’re basically setting yourself up. A suicide mission.
It doesn’t matter how perfect it felt to be with him. Give yourself an hour and you’re back to being the other woman. Because at the end of the day, you know, he’s going back to her.
“You okay, pretty?” He kisses your shoulder blade as you sat in his bed.
“Yeah,” You silently say, smiling. Hiding the fact that when he closes his eyes, you prayed he never sees her.
Because God knows that you do.
He sighs, as if he knows what you were thinking about. Of course, the elephant in the room takes up the entire space. He can’t pretend that what’s happening is normal.
“I’ll tell her soon, okay? I’ll take all the blame– just, give me time, I promise.” He gently caresses your hair.
“Hmm, okay.” Your soft smiles is why he kept coming back. You’re the most prettiest person he’d ever had, and he knows it doesn’t mean much when it comes from him, but he swears he’d never seen anyone prettier.
He just wished he had seen you first.
You don’t know when the drunken mistakes and reckless escapes turn into so much more, but you knew you were falling. Damn you for falling easily. Damn your heart for being so clumsy.
Meanwhile, Haechan knew he was in deep shit.
“Look, dude, I know I don’t usually compliment you and shit, but I’m actually proud of you for being in a relationship this long, man.” Jeno says, sincerely at that.
He liked the compliments, and this new image he had managed to create. Like he’s a great guy, like he’s finally maturing. He likes that people finally likes him, in a light he’s never been on before. But then, you just had to happen.
And Haechan just happens to like you. A lot. And now that he’s got a taste of you, he’s afraid he can’t ever get enough.
It’s so bad to the point that instead of stopping whatever is going on between you two, he’s thinking of ways how to keep you, without incriminating you. Because he’s aware that when this all blows up, it’ll be bad, not only for him, but to you too.
“Are you okay, baby?” Hayeon’s touch started to burn, it started to feel unfamiliar. And he knows he’s being a fucking douchebag, but he can’t lie to himself.
“Y-yeah, uh, Shotaro wants me to come with him to the gym.” He says some pathetic excuse to get away from her. Mostly from the guilt, that’s eating him alive.
Hayeon nods, but a glint of suspicion in her eyes lingers.
“I saw Shotaro studying at the library that day. I asked him if he was with Haechan, but he said he’d never seen him.”
That was the first time you felt the world started to shrink on you.
She was crying on your shoulder, all you could do was hold her. But your hand stung, from the blade you were willing on her back.
You weren’t always nice, but never have you imagined you could do this to her. Hayeon was your friend.
And it’s not like you didn’t avoid Donghyuck, because God knows, that you really tried to.
It was another usual Friday, where Soohyun, a senior, throws a party. It was a big deal, with him graduating this semester. He had invited you personally, and it would be strange for you to turn it down because you had never turn booze down.
But you knew he was gonna be there.
You had ignored his calls and text from last week, avoiding every instances that you might come across the Devil himself.
But hey, Soohyun’s house is big. You could probably go for a couple of hours without crossing paths with Dong— Haechan, right?
Wrong.
Because here he is, sitting across you with his hands wrapped around his girlfriend. Hayeon came in– as if a few days ago, she didn’t cry all night because of him.
They look so inlove. It was disgusting.
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Soohyun popped beside you. He scootches impossibly closer, putting his arms around you.
“You’re leaving in three months, wouldn’t miss it for the world,” You say, very casually, that it almost sounded fake. Not that it isn’t, but whatever.
Soohyun continued his advances, and you just let him. It at least helped you– although very annoying, still, you’d rather have him than be stuck looking at him with her.
Soohyun is an attractive man. He’s very muscle-y yet slim, fair skin and sharp eyes. He’s one of the guys who you can’t deny that he’s certainly a catch. He’s very tall too, so, yeah, not bad at all.
Unlike someone, who’s very different from Soohyun. Sunkissed, plump lips, soft yet toned body, and tall enough where his lips meets your forehead perfectly. Voluptuous ass, cunty little waist, and most important of it all, big fucking di–
“Soohyun-ah, get up in here!” A loud voice from the main hall called out.
“Gotta greet the boys real quick, sweetheart. If you want something– help yourself at my kitchen, okay?” Soohyun pecks at your cheek. You smiled and nodded at him and watched him walk away.
Unfortunately, your eyes doesn't have anything else to look at but him. Surprisingly, he was already looking at you. However, it wasn’t the usual sweet look he gives you. He looks pissed as he grips the can of beer.
His hand wasn’t on Hayeon anymore. He was leaning back as he eyes you from across the room. Thankfully, Hayeon was busy giggling at somebody else’s joke.
You raise your left brow at him and mouthed, “What?”
He smirks, but it’s nowhere near being enthusiastic, before he pokes his tongue on his cheeks as he shakes his head.
You just roll your eyes at him and before you could even melt from all the attention he’s giving to you, you decided to escape to the kitchen for an ounce of peace.
However, you’ve only enjoyed not even a minute of peace when you feel a presence behind you. You grunt.
“So, you’re with Soohyun now, huh?” Haechan says in his deep voice.
“Not your business,”
He let out a chuckle in disbelief, “When does it become my business? When I’m fucking you from behind?”
Your eyes widen at his sudden burst, as if you two aren’t in the same vicinity of his fucking girlfriend.
“Are you insane?! Hayeon’s right there!”
“You make me insane! You were all over that fucking assface– in front of me. When you know damn well that I–” He manages to stop himself. Haechan bit his lip, before taking a deep breath to calm himself down.
“What, Haechan? What were you gonna say?” Your eyes started to burn, but no tears yet. Not yet.
He sniffs, shaking his head and let it fall down as if to hide his eyes. “You weren’t… reading my texts, you weren’t.. answering my fucking calls. I tried following you through your classes but you’re just too fucking good in pretending that I don’t exist. I’m.. going crazy, y/n.”
You couldn’t believe your eyes and ears. His voice is shaking and he won’t look you in the eye. Is he.. crying?
“Please, don’t go with Soohyun. Please don’t sleep with him, don’t kiss him or do anything with him. I’m begging you– because I don’t think I can handle it.” He whispers, but you’ve heard everything. The frustration and sadness in his voice made it impossible for you to not hear it.
“This isn’t fair– Haecha—”
“That’s not my name, not to you.” His strict tone went back for a bit.
“Donghyuck, you’re being really unfair. I get to sit in front of you and her looking so disgustingly inlove but the second another man shows interest in me you start this shit? That’s so fucking mean.” You wanted to shout at him, to yell at him but you knew better. A party doesn’t seem to be a good place to announce you’re fucking your friend’s boyfriend.
“I know, baby, trust me I feel so fucking horrible but I won’t lie to you. Ever since that night, you’re all I think about. No, fuck that, ever since the first time I laid eyes on you I knew I made a mistake. And fuck me for denying it but I can’t lie to myself now. I wanted to end it with her–”
“You want to end it? Okay. I’ll help you,” You stare at him blankly, not even sure if what you’re about to do is the right thing. You’re beyond being reasonable right now. You can see the confusion behind his eyes, followed by shock when you shouted.
“Hayeon-ah!” You call out her name.
Haechan was terrified and panicked at the same time. Your stunt poured a bucket of ice all over him, leaving him frozen on the spot.
Not even a full thirty seconds when Hayeon showed up, completely unaware of the conversation that had just occured.
“What? Why?” her tone was unassuming, despite the painfully obvious tension that filled the room.
“Donghyuck here, wants to tell you something.” You say, once again blankly. You couldn’t show any emotions because you don’t even know what to feel in the first place.
“Donghyuck? Who’s that?”
You look at her in slight incredulousness, but now’s not the time to be baffled by that.
“Haechan, I meant. He wants to tell you something,”
He was standing there, frozen in shock as he looks at you, then to his clueless girlfriend, waiting for whatever he’s gonna say. He swore his heart beats out of his chest. Like the room started to spin and the oxygen’s suddenly not fit for the three of you.
His hands are shaking, weighing the situation that’s unfolding in front of him. Once the very confident and sure of himself Lee Haechan was standing here like a beaten puppy, couldn’t even form a proper fucking sentence.
“I-I..”
He gulps, before glancing at you one last time, “We need to go, Hayeon-ah.” He grabs her wrist and before you knew it, he’s already gone.
You don’t know why you would even expect anything. You knew he wouldn’t, you knew he treasured her still despite how many times he crawls back to you. You knew he’d never pick you, but damn, it still hurt like a motherfucker.
You knew you were in the wrong side, and deep inside you, you’re calmed by the fact that there’s two of you on the that side, but then, you were left alone wallowing in the dark. Like you always were.
To be second to her, again, you thought was the most hurtful thing you could ever feel.
But to not be chosen by him, felt way worse.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
Haechan didn’t even know why he didn’t just tell Hayeon right there and then.
Was he afraid of being judged? Come on, he’d been judged his entire life! Looks from people never bothered him, in fact, it exhilarated him.
He’s sure he wants you, no one else but you, so what’s the deal?
He thinks once again, that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want you to suffer from being judged. He knew that if the truth was revealed in front of people from the campus, they’d crucify you more than him. That’s the sad reality.
He’s all to blame, yes, maybe you too, but most of it is his fault. If only he’d wait a little longer to see you first before Hayeon, if only he’d ended his shallow relationship with her right after he saw you.
If only he could see himself from a different perspective, he’d definitely slap himself across the face.
He never thought he’d scoop so low, to cheat on a girl– but it’s you. Fuck everything if it’s you he’d get after all of this.
“Are you okay?”
Of course, whenever he’s in a rough situation, Renjun just coincidentally pops out of nowhere.
“No dude, I’m really not.” There’s no use at pretending he’s the big bad Lee Haechan around Renjun. He knows him in and out.
“Is it about y/n?”
That, he didn’t know that Renjun knows.
“How’d you..”
“Saw her running out of the apartment one time.” Renjun smiles as he thinks of that one time he caught you. You never saw him tho, he was standing still in the dark kitchen stirring his coffee.
“I fucked up, man.” Haechan lets himself loose, voice breaking as he covers his face with both of his palms.
“You did, you really did. I always knew you were a..” Renjun debates if he could use the term knowing his friend’s state of mind, “… player but I never thought you would actually cheat. You hate cheaters, man, we all do.”
“Look, you need to come clean this shit up. Own up to your bullshit– tell Hayeon. She deserves to know.”
Renjun was right. He can’t keep on hurting the poor girl, and the longer he waits, the more painful it would be for Hayeon, thus, affecting you more.
He’s just scared that after all this, he still couldn’t get you. He’s afraid that he’ll lose everything.
“Hayeon-ah..” He calls for her name as soon as he enters her apartment. He knew you wouldn’t be here.
He found Hayeon on her bed, scrolling mindlessly through her phone. When her eyes found his, she quickly jumps out to greet him.
“Hi baby! I found a new movie we could wa–”
“We need to talk.”
Her expression falls rapidly, visibly confused as to why Haechan suddenly sounded serious.
“W-what’s happening?” She asks.
Haechan knew there was no stepping away from this. He needed to do this, not only for you, but for him, and her aswell.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
[11:28pm] haechan: i’ll talk to her
[11:28pm] haechan: i’ll end it
[11:29pm] haechan: please wait for me
You hate to admit it, but there was a glint of hope in your chest when you read the text. You knew not to expect anything, especially after what happened last time. But this was different. He ignites the familiar spark in your system.
However, those texts was three days ago.
Three days, you have not received any other message from him. Not a text, not a call, not a fucking letter from a fucking pigeon. Nothing. Silence.
You started making paragraphs in your head– you were overthinking every little thing. Hayeon had not messaged you either, there was totally no some sort of retaliation you were expecting from her. Did he really say it? Did he confess? He did, didn’t he?
“You don’t look good,”
Jurin has came and visited you from Sacred Heart, slightly concerned about your lack of enthusiasm in your texts. From her words, you seemed ‘not you’.
“Hayeon hasn’t yelled at me yet. She manages to get out the apartment before I even wake up. Or I don’t know– maybe she’s sleeping at his place.”
It makes no sense. There should be some sort of confrontation because you fucking slept with her boyfriend. You’d rather that than nothing, because it’s driving you insane.
“Haechan’s MIA too?” Jurin asked which you just nodded to.
She sighed, and you knew what she was gonna say next. “I told you this isn’t a good idea,” She says as she sips on her coffee.
“I didn’t say it was. I just hoped– you know, he’d fucking call me.”
“You know you sound insane, right? You’re the side chick here, you don’t make demands. You don’t have the right.”
The last sentence hit you hard. Jurin was right, you sound pathetic. You need to remind yourself that you’re the other person. You were the parasite that ruined a relationship. But hey, it takes two to tango, right?
But as the old saying goes, Be careful what you wish for.
Because that same day, all your questions was answered.
The nights you spent restless, was all worth nothing. Because you just saw him, with her. They’re walking hand in hand, as if nothing ever happened.
You almost lost the grip of your bag as you watched them walk away. Hand in hand. Hand in fucking hand, still.
“You okay?” You hear one of your friends from class asks you. That’s when you realized that there were tears forming on your eyes so you quickly wipe them away.
But you swore, that even before you look away from them, you saw Hayeon look at you with a smirk, before turning away.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
@hayeonssi__: some ppl never change. once a slut, will always be a slut. :D good morning everyone!
comments (45) likes (106)
@kk_nara: is this who i think this is lolll
@the.minho.won: she should be embarrassed haha dude thats so trashhhh
@kimsana: oh it’s definitely that bitch LOL
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That was the first shot out of the many ones she threw at your direction. This just proves that Haechan did confess– but for some unknown reason, they’re still together.
You recognize those usernames, of course you did. They were Hayeon’s friends from Sacred Heart, the same ones you had before. They didn’t need to mention your name– you already knew they were pertaining to you.
Surely, the gossip was already spread around at Sacred. Hayeon’s influence over there is still huge. If she was popular over here at NCU, then she’s a fucking celebrity back at Sacred Heart.
So, yeah, you’re probably in some groupchat by now.
You chuckle in irony. For a person that hates to be in the limelight, you sure have a weird way to stay out of it.
And then, like a plague, it started.
People on the hallways started looking at you weird, like you were naked. Like you’re being escorted at a fucking execution. You thought they probably had suspicions. Actually, no, it wasn’t a suspicion, it was a fact. You slept with someone else’s boyfriend. You out of all people in here deserved the judgemental eyes that’s following you right now.
“Is it true?” Yangyang once cornered you at the emergency staircase.
“I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what you heard,” You say truthfully.
“You slept with Haechan? Your roommate’s boyfriend?”
That’s the confirmation you needed. It’s out in the open. Sometimes it amazes you how words spreads like a wildfire.
You just look at Yangyang blankly, as if to answer his question with your mere silence. You assume he’s smart enough to tell what you meant.
“W-why would you..”
“Yangyang, please, save me the fucking lecture because I already had one a couple minutes ago from class. You were there, remember?”
Yangyang stood there, dumbfounded by how you chose to not take these things seriously.
“You do know that Haechan has a fucking harem that would eat you alive, right? Like dude, I know most of this is that asshole’s fault but they’re gonna blame it out on you!”
You find it endearing how he shows care for you— if you’re being honest you thought Yangyang would be like the others, but you thought wrong.
“What would you suggest I do, then? Stop attending classes and hide out like a little bitch? No, Yangyang. I’ll take what’s coming from me. I know what I did,” You walk away from him, but not before you paused.
“And tell your friend that I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s a fucking pussy.”
And with that, you left. You barely even scratched the surface of the avalanche that was coming for you in the next days.
People never seemed to care that there was the two of you that did it. You’ve never head of anyone curse at Haechan— they’re all pointing at you.
Why would they? When Haechan and Hayeon seemed to be going strong. You were just a pathetic attempt at trying to tear them apart, then failing miserably.
Hurtful words thrown at you, left and right. A homewrecker, a slut, and backstabber were in your mind almost every time you went out in the hallways.
It stung, sure. But it got to a point where you let it hurt until you can’t feel anything anymore.
One thing’s clear. Haechan left you to fend for yourself.
And then, couple of days later, it suddenly got quiet.
All the shushed gossip around you was gone, all the whispers that followed you dissipates. It was so abrupt. Like everybody started to mind their own business. Miraculously.
Apparently, out of all the people you least expected to help you out, Seungcheol had something to do with it.
@iamcseungcheol: @hayeonssi__ @haechanahceah tell your fans to chill out before i bust in your shitass school and do it myself
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You didn’t want it to be him to defend you. You wished that it wasn’t his username you were reading and you hoped that Seungcheol could always remain the person who hurt you. Not the one to save you in the midst of the chaos that seemed to target you.
You didn’t want to feel the gratitude towards the one person you swore you will never associate with ever again.
Nevertheless, it was still him. In some wicked way of fate, no matter how horrible he is, he’s always been by your side. No matter what.
And perhaps, that’s how life goes. Nevermind the fact that you fell inlove with someone else.
You should always choose whoever chooses you.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
“How’d she look?”
Haechan frantically followed Renjun around the apartment waiting for an answer.
“What did you expect? Of course she doesn’t look okay!” Renjun says, while taking off his coat and throwing it at the couch.
“Fuck, should I call Taeyong-hyung again?” Haechan sat beside Jaemin, biting his lips. Meanwhile, Jeno on the other side just looked at Haechan, slightly concerned.
“When did you last sleep, dude?” Jeno was staring at his friend’s eyes, the dark circles under them multiplying each day.
Haechan just shakes his head, avoiding Jeno’s question. He’s got more in his plate right now and he doesn’t need to be bothered about anything else. His only concern is about you.
He combs his hair out with his fingers in frustration. “I’m gonna call Taeyong-hyung.” He decides, standing up to grab his phone. He was about to take a step before Jaemin pulled him by his wrist and made him sit down beside him again.
“You’ve been calling them non-stop since Friday. Taeyong-hyung said he’d do something about it but it doesn’t mean it’s gonna be as quick as you want it to be. Haechan-ah, word travels quick and you can’t control each and everyone who attends this campus.” Jaemin says seriously.
“I know but that’s why I called Taeyong-hyung. He controls this school, doesn’t he? What the fuck is he waiting for–”
“Not to the point where he could shut every student up overnight. Dude, you gotta calm down–” Jeno’s small intervention speech was cut off when Haechan turns to him coldly.
“She’s fucking on her own, man. Hayeon despises her, the entire school turns on her and she can’t even— even defend herself. Y/n quite literally has nobody right now,” Haechan‘s voice was trembling. “--and you’re telling me to calm the fuck down?”
Jeno didn’t like his harsh tone. He furrows his brows at Haechan as he stood up to level with him. “And why is that, genius? Because you fucking decided to be an horny asshole and fuck your girlfriend’s bestfriend.”
Haechan snaps and shoves Jeno aggressively. This marks the first time Haechan has physically tried to start a fight with one of his bestfriends. As a natural reaction, Renjun and Jaemin was alarmed.
Jaemin was the closest one between the two, so he quickly goes in between them.
“Jesus fucking– what’s happening!” Renjun yells.
“I know I fucked up– that’s why I’m doing everything I can to protect y/n from all of this. That’s why I’m going fucking crazy trying to shut everybody up. So, yeah, Jeno. I know where I went wrong. Fuck you.” Haechan spits with a tightened jaw and clenched fists.
“And this is the first fucking thing you think of?” Jeno answers, still being blocked by Jaemin.
“What else can I do, dipshit?!” Haechan yells back with Renjun on his side.
“Oh, I don’t know– break up with that fucking girlfriend of yours and protect y/n yourself, dumbass!”
“You think I haven’t tried?!”
The room went silent. The three men didn’t know what to say and the only noise that surrounds the room was the heavy breathing from Haechan.
He looks up, stretching his neck as he remembers the night when he tried to end things with Hayeon.
⋆
“I know.”
That was the first thing Haechan hears when he brought Hayeon back to her apartment.
He was caught offguard, of course. Because he knew what Hayeon meant. There was no other meaning of why she would say that without any context.
However, he wanted to make sure. “W-what do you mean?”
The left corner of Hayeon’s lip rises, her eyes remained blank. “You’ve been fucking with Y/n behind my back, weren’t you?”
Haechan was tense, in a closed off stance. He avoided her eyes, his gaze fixed firmly on the floor. He didn’t say anything, and that already says everything.
“I expected this from her, you know, being who she is. But you, Haechan.. I thought you changed?” Hayeon’s voice trembled, as the first sign of emotion she showed.
“Look, Hayeon–”
“You wanted me, Haechan. Don’t you remember? You did everything to get me and now that I’m yours this is how you treat me? I should’ve never introduced you to that witch.” Her voice was rightfully harsh. But it still rang in Haechan’s ear– the insults she threw at you.
“It was entirely my fault, Hayeon. I went up to her–”
“Oh come on. She’s an expert at this, Haechan. You’ve known her for months, I knew her for years. I know what she’s capable of. That’s why I never trusted her being around you. And you know what’s annoying? You took the fucking bitch’s bait.” Hayeon wiped her eyes, even though no tears had fallen yet.
“I’m trying to make this all right and end it here–”
Hayeon slaps Haechan across the face. Haechan’s eyes are wide, and he almost curses because of the pain but he reminds himself that he deserves this.
“End it? Are you fucking kidding me? You think I’ll let you go and run over to that slut’s arms? After you fucking screwed me over?!” Hayeon yells, no, screams so loud that her voice starts to strain.
Haechan was speechless. He doesn’t know what to do– Hayeon is unconsolable. But he can’t just leave without doing anything. He remembers the texts he sent you. You’re expecting him to end it tonight with Hayeon.
Slowly, with his eyes shaking, he knelt down– one knee at a time. Hayeon gasps in disbelief as she watched him sink down.
“I’m sorry. I know this fuck ass apology won’t cut it but we both know this relationship is bound to end. And we need to end it tonight, Hayeon-ah. I’ll apologize over and over again, please, don’t make this harder for the both of us,” He begged.
If this moment was captured by some sort of camera, it’ll be legendary among the entire campus. Lee Haechan, the so-called heartbreaker, on his knees in front of a girl. Unbelievable.
Hayeon didn’t answer, but she did freeze upon looking at him. And then, half a minute has passed, before she opens her mouth again.
“She really had you fooled, huh? What makes you think she wouldn’t make the same fucking thing to you? She’s a slut, Haechan! She’ll never stick to one guy!” She says through her gritted teeth.
Funny, everybody used to say the same damn thing about him.
“That’ll suck, but what can I do? I love her,” Haechan says in defeat, shoulders slumps and his breathing turned shallow.
Another slap landed on his cheek, and he just accepted it. Another, after another, until Hayeon sank down in exhaustion. Now they’re both in their knees.
“What about me, Haechan-ah? I love you,”
And slowly, she rolls up her sleeves to show what Haechan never expected to see.
“H-hayeon..”
She smiled, “Don’t you feel sorry? You did this to me, Haechan.”
He blinks rapidly, eyes stuck at the bandages on her wrist. “P-please, Hayeon.. not over me. Don’t.. don’t do this,”
“If you break up with me, it’ll be worst.”
⋆
Haechan doesn’t remember the last time he smiled. Genuinely.
He used to be on top of the world. Nothing stopped Haechan from being unapologetically him. Cruising through his life with nothing to worry about.
Now, he just felt.. empty. All the excitement and adrenaline that fuels his system was drained, and the carefree attitude he lived with was all sucked out of his soul.
Maybe this was the karma they were talking about? Maybe, maybe not. He doesn’t have the energy to care.
The aggressive knocking on the bathroom door was getting louder, loud enough to surpass the booming bass from the music outside.
“What the fuck’s taking so long?!” He hears a random man outside.
He assumes the line to the bathroom is getting longer, but all he cares about is the lines he was doing inside. It felt freaking awesome.
Straightening his back, he sniffs to get all of it in his system. He then rubbed his nose out of the excess before shouting back. “Fuck you!”
The sudden rush gets to him, and he closes his eyes to let it sink in. Jaws slacking, he takes one deep breath. He looks at the mirror.
The person staring back at him seems familiar, but can’t tell who it is. Is it him? Is this how the great Lee Haechan looks now?
“Woah, you’re handsome,” He says to his own reflection.
If only he was sober, he’ll recognize everything that had changed. The expressive eyes he boasts on and on about before are now empty, and the smile he used to wear everyday are non-existent.
This isn’t Lee Haechan, fuck it, this isn’t even Lee Donghyuck. Standing in front of him is a man that’s gave up on everything.
The room started to spin, and only then Haechan knew he had taken too much.
All of a sudden, a loud bang depicts the door being forced open. He turns to see his friend, Jeno, heaving as he quite literally kicked the door open, followed by Jaemin and Renjun’s worried faces.
“Oh? Hello,” Haechan chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all. Did Jeno really kicked the door open?
What he also doesn’t realize is he’s now slumped on the bathroom floor, leaning at the bathtub. Weird, he didn’t remember falling down.
And then he hears it. Her voice. That fucking voice that haunts him.
“Haechan! What the hell!” She squeals as she pushes his friends away.
“Of course you’d be here,” He grunts.
Haechan tries to stand but failed, ending up on the same position as he was seconds ago. Renjun helps him up but Hayeon pushes his hands away. “I’ll take care of my boyfriend,” She hisses at him.
Haechan frowns at this and looks at her. “Don’t touch Renjun like that,” He slurs his words but its clear enough for Hayeon to roll her eyes.
“You can’t carry him home, Hayeon. We’ll take care of him.” Jaemin interferes. Hayeon thought for a second and she hates to agree with them, but they’re right. She’ll make a fool of herself if she thinks she can carry a grown ass man.
Jaemin and Jeno takes each of Haechan’s arms as they carried him off the ground. Haechan roams his eyes for a bit when it landed on Hayeon’s wrist.
Weird, the bandages are off. They fought over it just this morning, how come there’s no marks on it now?
He shakes his head off, before he turns to Renjun. “Injunnie, are you hurt?” He asks sweetly and his friend just patted him as Renjun sighs and follows them out.
⋆ ˚。⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚。⋆
“Are you really gonna follow me around?” Haechan asks Jaemin as he watches his friend scroll on his phone while he walks on the hallway to his class.
“Cut the pissy attitude, I have better things to do than this, but after the shit you pulled last night, you pissed Renjun off so we gotta take turns in babysitting your dumbass.” Jaemin casually says, eyes still on the phone.
“Renjun can kiss my ass,”
“I can kiss your what, now?”
Haechan turned around to see Renjun standing with one brow lifted and his arms crossed. “Oh shit, when did you get here?”
“Shut up,” Renjun turns to Jaemin, “Jaemin-ah, Jeno says you two had a schedule at the gym.”
“Right,” Jaemin’s eyes widened, swiftly turning around and skedaddled away. Leaving Haechan and Renjun.
“Honestly, Injunnie, I can handle myself,”
Renjun looks at him as if Haechan was spitting nonsense, “So you passing out at some random party’s bathroom after doing lines, is you handling yourself?”
“I didn’t know I worry you this much, you really do love me, huh?” Haechan pokes Renjun’s sides as they walked, Renjun responding with a punch on his shoulder.
They continued play fighting until they turned a corner and hears the school’s counselor. “Ms. Y/L/N, we’re not done talking,”
The door opens and Haechan stood frozen. His breath hitches when you walk out of the office, covered with an oversized hoodie. His jaw slackens as he eyed you, this was the first time he saw you after that night at Soohyun’s party.
It felt like his blood ran cold, but his entire body started to warm up. He couldn’t do anything but stand there and see it unfold.
“Sucks to be you, because I’m done talking,” You say in a raspy voice.
Even from afar, Haechan could see your red eyes and pale lips. He also got a glimpse of sweat beads forming on your forehead. Initially, Haechan jumps to conclusion that the counselor had done something bad to you, however, two other people walked out of the office.
It was Ms. Lim, a professor and Nurse Suh.
The hallway was empty, and it would be suspicious if they had just stood there. So, Renjun, decides to grab Haechan’s wrist. Haechan didn’t move but Renjun grips him harshly. “We’re not leaving, we’re just hiding.” He says, pulling the boy with him and hiding on the corner.
Haechan takes in your posture, your aura and your entire vibe. You were still eternally beautiful, but he can sense that you’re not okay.
“Is it your boyfriend?” Ms. Lim ask softly, obviously trying to gain even the tiniest of cooperation with you.
“Seungcheol has nothing to do with this,”
Haechan flinches, eyes burning through you as he heard the name. It broke him, into a million pieces but he still manages to stand in his feet, wanting to hear the rest of it.
“We should go–” Renjun stopped talking when he saw the look in his bestfriend’s eyes.
“I need to stay,” He whispers, barely audible.
“The bruises on your neck are concerning, that’s unnatural, you can’t say its just because of your period. Somebody had to inflict force to create bruising that’s as horrible as those around your neck.” Nurse Suh explained.
Haechan can feel his own heart shattering. Mouth slowly opening in disbelief, tears threatening to escape. What he felt upon hearing that was beyond heartbreak, the pain was unbearable enough to cause him to go numb. With his hands shaking, he turned around.
He can hear Renjun calling his name but he focused on getting the hell out of there.
He finds himself outside your apartment, staring at the door not knowing what to do. He knows you’re not in here, yet he still can’t find it in himself to leave. He truly has no idea what step he should take next.
He doesn’t know how long he was standing there before the door opened, revealing the least person he wanted to see right now.
“Haechan? What’re you doing here?” Hayeon stood there, confused.
Haechan didn’t say anything, instead, looking down to confirm what's been killing him.
“Were you lying about this?” Haechan takes Hayeon’s clean wrists, and immediately, Hayeon snatched it back.
“W-why a-are you–”
“Hayeon-ah, please! J-just be honest, please,” Haechan yelled on top of his lungs, extremely tired of it all.
Hayeon knew there was no point in hiding it anymore, “Yes,”
And there it was. The truth that scared Haechan the most. He lost you, for no real reason.
The fact that he had left you suffering on your own, because of a horrible string of lies that held him from reaching out to you. All his sacrifices, for absolutely nothing.
“I knew what I did was wrong but did you have to lie about this?” His voice was now controlled, but the exhaustion was still pertinent.
“I can’t lose you to her, not her.. I’m so much better than her,” Hayeon breaks down crying, but Haechan just watches her hug her knees and sob.
“I think you never wanted me, Hayeon. You just wanted to compete with y/n, and you didn’t want to lose. This isn’t about me,”
“I hope you know that after what you did, you just stooped down to my level. We’re both fucking evil in this story, Hayeon. The only difference is that I tried making it right, but you will never stop if you wouldn’t have been caught.”
With that, Haechan walks away.
“Fine, fuck you, anyways! You both deserve each other!!” Hayeon screams, but Haechan just keeps walking.
Walking away from all the pain, from all the strings that bind him to her. He gets a whiff of freedom, and he felt relief knowing that the chapter that has him on hold has finally ended.
Haechan never expected Winter break to be this cold.
Afterall, the news said it wouldn’t even break last year’s temperature. But meh, what does the weatherman know? He might just spew bullshit to keep his job for all Hae-Donghyuck knows.
“You keep repeating the same show over and over again, Donghyuck-ah. Give up the remote!” Renjun’s girlfriend, Birdie, as everybody calls her, says as she tried to snatch the phone out of Donghyuck’s grasp.
“Remind me again why are you here?” Donghyuck jokes at her, earning a hefty slap on the wrist from Renjun.
“Renjun told me you wouldn’t be here.”
“Yeah, dude, you’re ruining our valentines day!” Renjun says lightly, but Donghyuck just mocks his words like a child.
“Do you have a thirdwheel kink?” Birdie kids again, but this time Donghyuck stood up.
“Y’know what, both of you can kiss my plump ass! Besides, who celebrates Valentines day at home? Renjun, you stingy bitch,” Donghyuck says as he grabs his coat and walks towards the door.
He hears both of them yelling at him to come back, saying they were just kidding. But Donghyuck knows that he’d be disturbing their cute-sy cozy home date bullcrap and he wouldn’t want to hear any of his friend’s fucking later on the evening.
“I’ll be back before eleven so you two should fuck now,” Donghyuck says before he closes the door.
And immediately, he regrets going outside. He’s literally gonna freeze his balls off, even with the layers of clothing he has right now.
“Aw shit,” He curses as he hugs himself, all the way to his car.
He drives off the streets of Seoul, with no particular destination. He just wanted to drive mindlessly, yet carefully, of course.
This was the first Valentines day Donghyuck had to spend alone.
He now swores off doing the shit he does before. No playing with girls, no fucking rando’s, and no doing hardcore drugs. ‘Til to this day, he still cringes when he thinks of what he used to be.
If the old Haechan could see him right now, he’d probably laugh in his face.
He then takes off his gloves for comfortability while driving, and he stares lovingly at his middle finger.
There, inked deep within his ring finger, was your initial.
He read a book once, when he was snooping around Renjun’s room. Before he could even snooze off, he gets to a page where he read something intriguing.
How to know if you’ve finally found your greatest love;
And it was so strange, because every single one of them falls under you.
You, who Donghyuck still thinks of everyday.
You, who became his standard whenever Jeno introduces him to a friend.
You, who he correlates to every single sunflower he sees.
And you, who he loved so much even tho you’ve never been his to begin with.
Donghyuck was convinced you were his greatest love.
Given, he has nothing to compare you to because he has never loved somebody this much before, but he just knows.
So, on one fateful night of his drunken escapades, he got your initial tattooed on his ring finger. Something he could keep. Something that he owned.
And sure, it was a reckless decision made by a drunken man, but he never felt any hint of regret the day after.
“How corny,” He says under his breath as he watches a public engagement unfold literally in front of the bench he was sitting at.
He aggressively chomps at his bungeoppang before starting to wrap it the plastic up. He decides it’s better to eat it at his car rather than keep watching these corny couples be couple-y looking.
“Can I have one?”
Recoiling backwards, Donghyuck turns around to see who that voice belongs to. Even tho he had a hint.
What greets him first was the same set of eyes he longed for, then the lips that he dreamed of each night he went to bed. Everything else was a blur.
Mouth slightly agape, Donghyuck once again finds himself speechless in front of you. After everything that had happened, it’s kind of hilarious how he still has the same reactions whenever you’re in front of him.
After a quick inhalation of his breath, “U-uhm, I only have the ones that has red beans in it.”
He honestly don’t know what else to say.
“That’s good,” You say and lend your hands over. With trembling hands, he grabs you a piece and gave it to you. Without blinking, he watched you sit on the same bench he was sitting on before.
Despite your obvious invitation for him to sit with you, he stood there in shock. Is he starting to imagine things?
“Are you gonna leave?” You say when you notice him not moving.
He swiftly shakes his head in disagreement as he takes quick steps to sit beside you.
“Your friends are really something, y’know?” You started off.
Donghyuck had questions, but before he could even spew them out, you continued.
“Renjun calls me everyday, Jaemin bothers me in class and Jeno constantly tries to talk to me everytime he sees me. How much did you pay those bastards?” He knows, based on your tone that you were saying those lightly but Donghyuck hurriedly turns towards you.
“I swear I never asked them to bother you. I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know they were doing that, really–”
“They were saying the same damn thing, but I never believed them.” You say as you take a bite off of your bread. Not knowing how your words just re-open scars Donghyuck spent time healing.
“I’m so–”
“Because I want to hear it from you,”
For the second time this night, you left him speechless. With his rigid body posture and rapidly blinking eyes, his brain scattered thoughts he wanted to say to you.
“I was so ready to leave you and all these behind, you know. But everytime I try to look at other people, I just can’t help but to think of what would’ve happened if I gave you a chance to explain yourself?”
You continued, “Is it true that you called Lee Taeyong yourself to stop the rumours spreading? Is it also true that Hayeon lied about harming herself just to keep you? Is it you that reported Seungcheol to the police?” You listed all of the questions that he already has an answer to.
“All these questions, and none of them answered is the reason why I couldn’t just move on. There’s no clean slate if I still had baggage from the past, you know?”
Donghyuck feels like there’s a time ticking on him, like you’ll disappear any moment now. So he takes a deep breath before answering, “Yes, yes, and yes.”
“I’m gonna need more than that, you know?” You chuckled lightly, and he could’ve sworn it sounded like angels singing directly at his ears.
“I had connections to Taeyong-hyung and I begged him to scare off anybody who says a word about you, and I literally had to stand outside his door for hours on end just to talk to him,” He paused, because he knew he had to explain the other one more seriously. “And Hayeon did threaten me to hurt herself if I left, that’s why I couldn’t break up with her at that time. There was also a part of me that was dying of guilt, maybe that’s why I never questioned it. But the night I–” He squeezed his eyes shut, “--I down-spiralled because of d-drugs, I saw that she was faking it all along.. and that was the time I ended it with her. And yes, I did report that son of a bitch to the police.”
“After all that… you still didn’t come to find me?” You say, finally, looking at him straight in his eyes.
Just like the first time you two met, he still felt the same feeling of almost melting into putty everytime your eyes meet his. Every. single. time.
“I hurt you enough, I didn’t think I deserve you.” He says with nothing but the truth. He can’t afford to lie to you now.
“Did you regret it?”
Donghyuck nods his head. “I do, I really do. But would I do it again? Absolutely.”
“I think.. I think I’ve heard enough. B-but.. It’s gonna be hard to go back to what we were before.”
Donghyuck, with all of his strength, dared to touch your hand. Although it was cold, the spark he felt was enough to bring warmth.
“I don’t want to go back.” He says.
You furrowed your brows, “Uhm, oka–”
“I want to start over, I want to get you right, this time.” He says while it takes all of him to match your eyes.
“I want a fair shot, to a chance I never got before. I want to make you mine, but I hope you know that I’ve always been yours. Then, now, and forever.”
You smiled at him as you let a tear drop from your eye.
“Start over?” You ask.
Donghyuck nods again, this time as he smiled back at you. The first time in a long time, he smiled genuinely.
At you, the person that made him love his real name again.
At you, that turned him to a better man for himself.
At you, whom he’d never forget for the rest of his life.
And at you, who reminds him that after all, Lee Haechan, the heartbreaker, also has a heart.
He lets go of you hand and offers you a handshake.
“Hi, I’m Lee Donghyuck of NCU. Do you want to go on a date before Valentines day?”
He smiles goofily.
“Hi, Lee Donghyuck, I would absolutely love to.”
To be fair, Lee Donghyuck never claimed to be a good guy.
But for you? He’d die trying.
A/N: It’s finally finished! Aaah this series really tested me as an author. It’s amazing how a fanfiction can make you feel, moreso when you make one! A series at that! I realize that writing is a commitment, to both the readers and characters themselves. This was my first major project for myself— and although it took a looooong time, I am so glad that I finally finished it. One thing I can say tho, is that every story was straight out of my brain. I never rushed it, and I was never afraid to redo it all over again if I didn’t satisfy myself. That’s why it took a long time. Thank you all for supporting this series and please do support me by interacting with this post! And yep, you’ll be seeing more stories from me soon.
Again, Thank you so much for the support. Sincerely.
Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno, Huang Renjun and Lee Haechan from The Diary of the Heartbreakers now signing off.
summary: ➸ ♡ To say that Lee Jeno is pretty would be an understatement. The man's gorgeous. One thing he uses to his advantage, going through college getting girls he spots his eyes on. But there's one he just couldn't get. His brother's bestfriend. You can continue and avoid your feelings for each other, but eventually, it'll happen. You were someone that stayed, a constant in his life. You might not know it, but for the years you've known Lee Jeno, he slowly became yours, inevitably.
"I should've known it was you, because no one else made sense."
GENRE: Angst, Fluff, Humour, Smut
WARNINGS: Minors DNI, Explicit Sexual Content, Language, Slight Alcoholism, Mentions of Drugs/Weed, fuckboy!Jeno, brothersbsf!reader
AUTHOR's NOTE: Holy shit, it's done! I was about to pull all my hairs off for this one :// but i can finally say that it's all worth it! I hope y'all are still here. And I really wish y'all would like this story. Enjoy reading!
WC: 18 k (I tried my best)
DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.
Enjoy reading! -ryo
Lee Jeno is a phenomenon.
Jeno, on the other hand, likes to think he’s just a pretty boy who kinda knows how to dribble.
Maybe he’s not bad in the actual learning part too, maybe he did get an award for the research paper he did on Biochemistry last year. Maybe he won MVP on three consecutive basketball tournaments, making history in his school as the only player to excel in both the sports and academics.
So yeah. He’s a textbook definition of an A-list student that you would totally see in one of the frames along the halls of this very school in about thirty years, with the trophies and accolades he made during his time here.
You wanna hear what’s even more annoying?
He’s hot. And he knows it. Please, he’s so undeniably gorgeous it's starting to hurt.
Unlike his friends, Jeno keeps it on the down-low. Which was surprising because he had every right to be cocky and brag about all of his achievements but he’s the least show-y among his friends.
In Jeno’s defense, he likes to let his performance do all the talking.
Words on the street says he fucks like an incubus, but talks like an angel. He’s proven to be hung, emphasizing the word proven, based on the girls he had walking side to side after he spent a good, long night with them.
But despite all of that, he’s pretty cool and quiet most of the time.
Which is even more attractive. According to a study based on no-actual-facts, girls tend to like the quiet ones more. Especially when they look like a greek god that managed to escape mythology and then learned to be a legend in basketball instead. In simplified terms, girls like Lee Jeno.
Naturally, of course, girls are all over him. That's something really common between the four of his friends, and you're not shocked that Jeno sleeps around-- because he just can. Girls will literally faint in front of him if they could, just to get his attention.
“Don’t make a sound,” he whispered, desperately trying to finish while a girl, known as Jennie, was bent over the counter. His hands covered her mouth, and to be frank, he just want this to be over with.
And of course, in typical fashion, Jennie is also a name most of the students are familiar with. Cheerleading captain, arguably a girl that’s expected to be with him. What makes it so easy, is that this girl is obsessed with Jeno.
Meanwhile Jeno, had no indication of being tied down. He likes hanging out with her sometimes, sure, but the girl’s way too much for him. Jeno likes being lowkey, despite being one of the most famous guy in campus, Jeno preferred to be outside the spotlight.
A couple more thrust, his eyes closed, mind far from the girl bent over in front of him who’s just desperately wanting to pleasure him, Jeno finishes. He murmured a curse, and as soon as the feeling of cumming washes off, guilt starts creeping in his veins as Jennie smiled in satisfaction as she fixes her uniform.
“God, you’re still so fucking good,” Jennie put her hands around Jeno’s neck, biting her lips in hopes to seduce the cold man in front of her.
“Come on, my brother’s gonna be here soon,” Jeno shrugged her hands off, fixing his shirt. He did not even get the chance to take it off, Jennie just went and got what she wanted as soon as she enters the apartment.
Don’t be mistaken tho, Jeno liked having sex, more so with a girl like Jennie. But Jeno’s consciousness can’t help and tell him that he’s stringing along this girl, knowing full well he’s not even one bit interested in pursuing a relationship with her.
Jennie never really cared about what he thinks tho, so that kinds of shaves a bit off of his guilt.
“Call me, okay?” Jennie tried to give him a kiss, but he’s fast enough to dodge it.
Jeno sighed as he walked the girl to the door. And in some wicked timing, his brother opened it, his step stuttering as he saw Jennie, but never minded the fact that the girl is walking side to side. Jisung, his brother, have seen this situation way too much before that it doesn’t shock him anymore.
Another footstep followed behind Jisung, You, not even sparing a glance over him, walking behind his brother. You looked bored, giving absolutely no interest over him or Jennie. He never really got bothered about it before. He’s just wondering when you started ignoring his existence like this.
You were nothing like the girl he witnessed growing up all these years.
The sweet smiles you used to offer him were all gone. The once cute little y/n that he knew were long gone. But what can he do, that’s just how it goes. Right?
People change. And you weren't an exception. But deep inside, Jeno has this unsettling sensation that hunts him at night. This isn’t you. You used to light up the room whenever you walked in. You used to make him believe in butterflies and rainbows and shit, but now, you’re just… there.
Jeno often wonders. But that’s about it. He’s way too much of a pussy to actually read through your chapters that led into this character you have now. So Jeno, the ever so nonchalant, settles in being curious– not concerned in finding answers.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
You were twelve, when you met Jisung.
At first, you’re confused. There’s a new family that moved in next door. It was a common occurrence in your neighborhood, really. In your very-long life experience of twelve years, you’ve seen countless families moving in and out. So you question in your pretty little head why your Mom is way too excited about this next one.
Turns out, the family that will be moving in is your Mom’s best friend. You were twelve, you did not care about your Moms friends like that. Apparently, they’ve been best friends ever since they were five. They just kept in touch all these years.
“I'm Jisung,” the little boy, an inch taller than you, reached out his peculiarly large hands at you.
You felt your Mom nudge you a little bit, so in annoyance, you accepted his hand. “Y/n.”
Both mothers shrieked in excitement, but you were busy trying to examine this boy's hands.
Little did you know, that handshake would lead to years of friendship that you’d forever cherish, no matter how annoying this boy with freakishly large hands is.
“Who’s that?” You ask, still helping Jisung to count all his pokemon cards. You point outside their house, by the courtside next to their pool.
Jisung looks, but rolls his eyes after. “That’s my big brother, Jeno-hyung. He’s obsessed with basketballs.”
Your little twelve year old eyes sparkle, watching the boy shoot hoops around the court.
“Ew, you like boys?!” Jisung, disgusted.
“Your brother isn’t a boy, You’re a boy. He’s a man.” You sigh dreamily in sight of Jeno, making Jisung gag.
“He’s old, like, fourteen. Please, he’s a loser! Playing with balls all day,” Jisung says as he waves his hands in an attempt to distract you from his brother.
“Oh well…” you didn’t let it falter your adoration towards Jeno.
And before you could even watch him longer than you wished, Jisung’s mother called you two in for clubhouse sandwiches, and she made banger sandwiches so you really had to follow up to the kitchen.
You were fourteen, when you realized you had a crush on Jisung’s big brother.
“That’s bullshit, the paranormal movie is full of crap!” Chenle, your new found friend, complains as soon as the movie ends. His high pitched voice woke you up, not even realizing you had slept halfway through the movie.
“Dude, it’s from CCTV footage. It’s definitely true!” Jisung counters, and you just want to go back to sleep again.
The Paranormal Movie was mediocre, and maybe you were just a sceptic, but ghosts just doesn’t do it for you. “Most of these horror films really just depend on jumpscares to be scary.”
“Oh, coming from Miss Little poopy pants over here,”
The room went silence over Jisung’s attempt at a clapback, you and Chenle looking at each other before breaking into a laughing pit.
“Poopy pants? Really?” You say, refusing to believe that Jisung still used that term as an insult.
Jisung, obviously flustered, resorted in grabbing two cushions, one at each hands and started throwing them at the both of you.
“Just get the freaking potato chips downstairs.” Jisung says, specifically to you.
“What? No! I’m not going down there!” You say, as you bury yourself further on Jisung’s bed.
“Because you’re scared?” Chenle, in a mocking tone. You flip him off, to try and cover the fact that you are scared because it’s night time and the lights are off.
“No, ghosts aren’t real. Why can’t Chenle go?” You whine even more.
“He already got the drinks, and this is my house so what I say goes!” Jisung grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of the bed.
And because you like proving your point that ghosts aren’t real, you let out a grunt, stomping your way out of Jisung's room.
Your way down the stairs goes smoothly, the light still being on. But as soon as you turn to the dark kitchen, that’s when it creeps in. Yes, you do not believe in ghosts, but you’d be fooling yourself if you say that being alone in the large empty kitchen didn’t scare you.
“Oh, god.” You whisper to yourself, as you desperately find the chips cabinet. Rummaging through as quiet as possible, but also trying to find it as soon as possible.
But when a noise from the table interrupts the creepy silence, you can’t help but yelp out a scream.
“Oh my gosh!”
You turn your head towards the table, just to find a cute little cat that had lost its way through the big surface.
“Thank God it was just a little cat,” you say in relief, but as soon as you try and step closer to it, a name being called from the stairs can be heard.
“Bongsik-ah!”
So it has a name. Bongsik.
A figure walks down the stairs, obviously, being Jeno.
You immediately fold into yourself, biting your lip as soon as he enters the kitchen.
“What are you doing down here?” He says as he carries the cat off the table and on his chest. It took a couple of seconds for him to look at you, and he smiles.
“Y/n-ie. Do you need something from the kitchen?” His soft voice snaps you from the trance, as he helps you with the chips you were trying to get from the upper cabinet. His body was so close to you as he did so, that you swear you can feel his heart beating.
“Y-yeah.. Just those chips. Thanks.” Your entire demeanor changes when it comes to him.
“Here you go,” He says softly, you wonder if he intentionally talks to you like that, or it’s just how he talks. A little bit inside you likes to believe you’re special and that he does this only to you.
“Thanks, uh– new cat?” You say in the most casual tone you could ever produce.
“Yep, a rescue. Mom brought it home the other day. Jisung freaked,” He chuckles as he looks at the cat, snuggling in his chest.
You awe in sight, wanting to pet the cat but you hesitated at first.
“You can pet it,” Jeno moves his body to yours, to allow you to pet Bongsik. You did so, and when the cat purrs at your touch, you gasp in awe.
“Hi Bongsik,” you say in a whisper, intended for the cat only. But you can feel Jeno smile at you.
“You can visit her everyday, not that you’re not here everyday, but she’s gonna be here starting now..”
“She’s adorable,” you say, still petting the cat in his arms.
“I love cats, any pet really. But cats just really bring out the inner softness in me, y’know?” Him being this close to you feels weird and intimate, but it's not like you hate it. Your heart is practically doing jumping-jacks right now.
You use him focusing on Bongsik as an excuse to look at him, even just a glance.
You get a closer look on his face, the mole he has under his left eye, the thin lips and his perfect nose. In the two seconds you allow yourself to take a peek, you convince yourself that you had his features memorized now.
You can just feel that it’s just gonna live with you forever.
Because as he takes Bongsik away and starts walking back up the stairs, you make a big-girl realization that you do have a crush on Lee Jeno.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Jeno was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. It was his brother, Jisung, calling in the middle of the night asking for his keys.
“What do you need my car for?” Jeno, frustrated as he grabs his keys from the night stand.
“My car broke down and Y/N really needs to get home.” Jisung on the other line also sounded like he just woke up. Jeno curses under his breath.
This wasn’t the first time he heard his brother in trouble with you being the main source of chaos. It’s always the same thing. Either you’re black-out drunk, or one of your boyfriends has dumped you on the side of the street.
Over the years, you had changed so drastically it almost gave him a whiplash. You used to be so careful and so paranoid about drinking, waiting until you turn 18 to get a sip of alcohol. And when you did, it’s like you never stopped.
So despite Jeno’s interrupted slumber, he gets up and leaves his shared apartment with his friends, just to wait outside his building for his brother. And surely, just like every other time this has happened before, he finds Jisung standing there in the cold.
“I need my car tomorrow, in pristine condition. One scratch and you’re done,” Jeno, tossing the car keys to his brother.
Jisung didn’t bother to answer, depicting the reality of brotherhood. But before Jisung could leave, Jeno turns to him.
“What happened this time?”
“She’s really–”
“Drunk?” Jeno finishes his sentence, as if he had seen this before. Jisung sighs in agreement.
“--yeah, and Chenle’s drunk too so he can’t drive her back to the apartment.”
“What happened to her? She isn’t really like this, at all.” Jeno dared to indulge in one of his curiosities.
“I’ve been asking the same question, hyung.” Jisung ends the conversation without really answering Jeno’s question, which frustrated him more.
Because of course, nobody really knows what happened. It’s a question he needs to ask you, directly. Only if you didn’t spend the last few years avoiding being on the same vicinity as him, then maybe he could actually talk to you.
“Three seconds left on the clock, Lee, for the three.. He shoots… and bang! Lee Jeno has done it again!”
Jeno thinks it’s getting way too easy for him. Winning at this point just felt like a routine for him. The new normal, it’s just how it goes around him now. Everytime the other team makes a mistake of letting him have the ball, the game ends with Jeno taking home the win.
Honestly, it’s getting pretty boring and predictable.
“That’s my fuckin’ man!” Yangyang, one of his teammates, excitedly hugs Jeno as he entered yet again another victory party for his team. It’s his second one this semester.
“Okay, dude, chill.” Jeno pushes the very drunk Yangyang away, afraid of getting thrown up on.
As he sinks his feet deeper into the party, he starts getting loose. The alcohol hitting the tense spot in his body, reminding him that fuck it, he’s the man of the evening. This party is for him. So why not have fun, right?
The music starts to sound less chaotic and more tolerable, and the people start to get blurry. Weed and alcohol really does the trick, Jeno thinks.
“Jeno, the man of the hour! That game was lit!” Jeno’s not sure who’s this man, but nevertheless, he still smiled at him and let him dap him up. He blabbers more and more about Jeno’s career path in professional basketball but just like always, Jeno just dismiss it.
It’s too early to plan for the future. He’s enjoying what he has now and content on just thinking about what happens today.Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem, and he can’t be bothered to be bothered about what his future brings.
Some people likes to think they know what’s best for Jeno, and sometimes it does make sense, Jeno getting to the professional basketball league, in tune to what he does best now. But fuck that. Jeno doesn’t want to be in a box full of other people’s expectation of him.
“Jaemin’s not here?” Jeno finds relief to hear Renjun’s voice, one of his very few trusted people. In some way, knowing Renjun was here by his side, it made him feel that he’s okay.
“Yeah.. he’s still locking himself out.” Jeno answers.
Jaemin was his best friend first, and he knows Jaemin well. And for the first time, he knows Jaemin really do need time for himself. This isn’t something Jeno could fix, he knows when to step away. So he lets Jaemin be.
“Haechan?”
Jeno saw Haechan earlier but he’s not sure where he is now. That’s just how he is. He’s probably in one of the rooms upstairs, on his way to ‘pound town’ in Haechan’s terms.
In typical Jeno fashion, he tolerates some annoying congratulations for a bit, give fake smiles and forced handshakes before finding his way to escape the crowd. Although it’s difficult because again, this party is thrown for him and his team, he still finds a way.
And that way has a name. Yunjin.
“Ah, Jeno,”
At the back of the party, there's a huge backyard, large enough that if he’s with this girl fucking around at the very end of it, he’s sure no one will notice. His hands roam freely against the girl, letting her know his full intention. Not like she has no clue, the hands up her skirt gave her enough hints.
“Hmm,” Jeno hums, just to satisfy the girl’s pleas.
But before it gets further, a rustle of the grass made him stop his tracks.
Someone’s here.
“Wh–what happened,” Yunjin was confused as to why he suddenly stopped.
Jeno furrows his brows, and tries to look at whoever was on the back of the big oak tree.
“Sorry! Sorry– fuck, carry on, please!”
The familiar pitch of voice made Jeno move away from Yunjin. He knows who it is behind the tree. And he suddenly has no interest in going home with Yunjin.
You stumbled out of your hiding with a bottle of alcohol on your right hand, your left trying to pathetically cover your eyes as you tried to walk.
Jeno hates it. He fucking hates how drunk you are right now.
“Oh shit, Jeno!” You peek at the gap in your fingers that was covering your eyes, to see him looking at you with a mix of emotion you can’t make out. He’s not angry, but he’s definitely not amused.
“I–,” you burped, “I’m not here..” you followed with a laugh, finding all these hilarious.
“Don’t mind me!” you laugh again.
Jeno murmured a curse. “Yejin, I’m sorry but I need to go,” he says in finality, not even waiting for the girl to answer as he walks straight in your direction.
“It’s Yunjin! Ugh!” The last words he hears from the girl before she stomps away.
He shakes his head as tried grabbing your arm, to help you at least find a stable balance. He grabs the alcohol out of your grasp harshly.
“Hey, what the fuck!” You whined. You tried to chase the bottle, but with his hold on your arms, you failed to do so.
“Y/n, please, fucking stay still. You’re very drunk!” He says in a strict but stable voice, not wanting to rile you up even more.
“Give me it,” You whined again, much softer this time, and with no attempt at grabbing the bottle.
He looks at your struggling figure, eyes almost closing as you stumble against his hold.
“Ah, fuck it,” he curse one more time before propping you off your feet, carrying you in a bridal style.
“Hey, get me– Oh my gosh! Help!” You yell, but followed with a giggle, which made the people around you think that the situation is not something to be worried about. And they know you and Jeno, so him carrying you just makes sense.
He hates this version of you. He hates how this character you have is so far from what he knew you from. He hates that you find comfort in drinking, partying and sleeping with other men. He hates that whatever happened, it completely changed you. He hates that he cares.
“What the fuck are you staring at?” Jeno can’t help but to lash out at some people who gives him and you a judgemental look. He despises people who judge you.
He finds an empty room upstairs, and he puts you down gently. You dress is up to your waist now, so Jeno pulled it down. He opened his phone to text his brother to let him know you’re with him. He knows Jisung will be worried at your whereabouts. He also texted Chenle, to make sure that they know you’re safe.
He grabs a clean washcloth out the bathroom, and soaks it with cold water.
“I’m not… I am drunk.” You say, swaying your head left to right as you lay in the bed, trying to grab at whatever’s the softest around you.
He sat a foot away from you, but still reached his hands to your face to gently caress you with the soaked towel. This might help sober you up.
Speaking of being sober, Jeno entirely forgets that he’s also intoxicated. For some reason, he sobered up. Seeing you in this state made him think that he needed to straighten up and get you out of here.
“What the fuck are you doing to yourself, y/n..” he says under his breath, as he gently brushes the towel on your face. Seeing you deep in sleep now, he sighed.
You used to be so bubbly. You were sweet as honey, as bright as the sun. He still remembers how your eyes lit up every time you would talk to him. As he looks at you right now, it’s still the same features, the soft ones he grew to know, but he knows that once you wake up, you’d be a stranger again.
He sighed in defeat, and stood up. He was about to get water for you, before the door opened.
“Jeno,” It revealed Qian Kun, a man he heard is your boyfriend. Not sure about the boyfriend part, but he’s sure that he hangs out with you a lot these days.
Kun was his senior, basically the smartest man on this campus. Famous for his 5.0 GPA, this Kun guy really is a genius. He used to get notes from him, back when he was writing for his research paper. He had no idea how you two met, but it’s really not his business.
“She was in the backyard, drunk as fuck.” Jeno says, looking at your peaceful figure.
“Alright. I’ll take it from here,” Kun says, walking past him, around the bed to get to your side.
He can hear Kun murmur a pet name as he caresses your hair. Jeno felt the need to roll his eyes.
“Next time, keep an eye on her. If you can’t handle her, maybe you shouldn’t be with her at all.” Jeno didn’t care if he sounded harsh. He needs to let Kun know that you need to be taken care of properly.
“You don’t know her, Lee. So I suggest, keep your mouth shut and mind your own business.” Kun snapped back, standing up to look back at Jeno.
“Oh, I knew her long before you did. But I agree, she’s your business. I just hate to fucking deal with it because you can’t fucking seem to do it yourself.” With that, Jeno walks out the room.
And even if Jeno sounded secure, he can’t lie and say that leaving you with another man didn’t affect him, even just one bit.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Looks from other people don't budge you at all.
They can stare at you, even whisper some bullshit about you, you really don’t give a shit. There’s nothing they can say that you’ve not said to yourself.
“You really should take it slow with the alcohol, y/n.” The first thing Jisung said as you sat down beside him. You rolled your eyes, and looked at him.
“Not you too,” You say rather exhaustedly.
“Especially me too. I’m your bestfriend and I’m just worried.” Jisung wasn’t the type to give out unsolicited advice, a serious one at that, therefore you sighed.
“It’s college, Jisung. We’re supposed to have fun.”
“Not to a point where other people have to take care of you.” That came out rather harsher than what Jisung had intended, but you really need it. You know it too. You just refuse to believe it.
“You don’t have to take care of me.”
“If not me, then who? You’ve been passed out drunk for the third time this week, y/n. I don’t know what definition of fun you have, but I think it’s not this.” Jisung was scarily serious now. You blink to try and process the seriousness of the situation.
You gulp, realizing that Jisung isn’t in the mood for your snarky comments right now. “Alright, damn. I’ll take it down a notch..” you say and look away from him.
You can’t blame Jisung for acting like this. You know that you’re spiraling down, you just refuse to accept it. In your head, this is just how college life goes. You get drunk, have sex and maybe a little bit of homework here and there. In your head, this is how it should be.
In a fucked up world, it is. But your world is already fucked up. So in a way, it just makes sense. To you.
“You have to get better,” Kun’s words rang in your head.
“This is the best I can, Kun. Chemistry isn’t really my thing,” you turn your homework down at Kun’s table. You were here after class, hoping to get help from Kun.
Despite popular belief, Kun isn’t your boyfriend. You’re too fucked up to commit into a relationship, no matter how good Kun is. Matter of fact, Kun is just the perfect man for that role. You can see yourself going straight with him, like your life might just take a turn for the better.
However, no matter how evil you see yourself as, you’re not that evil to give Kun the burden to have you as a girlfriend. You can’t do that to him.
And you did clarify that to him before sleeping with him. That whatever you have, just had to stay that way. He can’t expect something more. Surprisingly, he agreed. Qian Kun, the guy that has so much credentials because of his undeniable intelligence, the guy who rejected Harvard and Stanford, agreed to have a stupid set-up with a girl that’s one step away from actually losing it. Why?
You have absolutely no idea.
“I’m not talking about your homework, my love.” He says, sighing. You know that sigh very well.
You look at him, your eyes stoic as they can be. “We’re not having this conversation.”
Kun closed his eyes as he let out a deep breath. “You need to have this conversation. Lee Jeno had to carry you upstairs, in front of everyone last night. You were so drunk that you threw up all over yourself and you think that’s okay?”
Oh, so that’s what happened. He had to rescue you. Out of all people, of course it had to be him.
“Look, Kun, I didn’t come here to be judged. I was stupid for drinking that much, I know. But it’s not gonna happen again.” You say matter-of-factly. This is the second time this day that you had to promise to someone that you’ll be drinking responsibly. You feel like everyone is ganging up on you.
“Okay, sweetheart. Okay, calm down.” You didn’t know you were standing up until Kun pulled you from your wrist to sit back down.
Kun smiled at you and kissed your forehead, before sliding your homework back in front of you again and clicking his pen. “Let me see your answers…”
You’re glad he decided to drop the topic, but before you could even say thank you, an aggressive knock on Kun’s office got both of you to look up.
“Y/N! I know you’re in there! Qian, open your fucking door!”
You widen your eyes. “Fuck, it’s Yeonjun!” you say, standing up and grabbing your purse.
Kun looks at you, before looking back at the door. You can tell he had a very concerned face, but as soon as another man’s name fell out of your lips, he knew right away what situation you’re in. He pinched the bridge of his nose due to stress, and stood up.
“What is it this time?” He asks, not that he needed to.
“He’s just… Ugh, I told him we were over!” You say, feeling bad that this situation is happening in front of Kun. The knocks are turning more aggressive.
“Y/N, you slut!” Another loud bang from the door.
“I’ll deal with him.” Kun says. You immediately shake your head in disagreement.
“No! I’ll go. You don’t need to–”
“I’m not letting that man harass you, y/n—”
“No, Kun. I’m not letting you deal with my problems anymore.” Before Kun could even say anything, you opened up the door to see a very angry Yeonjun.
Kun rushed to your side, but you didn’t let him get in contact with Yeonjun and slammed the door shut.
“You’re gonna ghost me and you think that’s funny?” Yeonjun seemed to calm down, seeing you in front of him.
There’s quite a crowd that’s forming in the hallway, some have their phones out, some whispering whilst looking at you two. Not that you care.
“Let’s talk outside—”
“Yes, you’re coming with me after I punch that–” Before Yeonjun could even finish saying it, you looked him straight in the eyes, pointing at him.
“You’re not touching Kun,” you say, full of conviction. If there’s anything you could do for Kun, its that you will protect him from getting tangled with your mess.
You pulled his wrist to get him out of the building.
At the end of the day, there’s one thing that could shut these kinds of men up. It’s getting real easy, one thing you do for them and they’ll behave like a dog. It’s getting laughable, really.
So you shut them up. By doing what you do best.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
You were sixteen, when you got your heart broken for the first time.
“Stop looking at my brother, you weirdo.” Jisung threw a pillow towards your position on the couch.
The soft object hit you right in the noggin, earning a grunt as you pulled your eyes off of him.
“Bitch. It’s not my fault he’s getting hotter by the day. Damn,”
You were busy staring out the pool area, where Jeno and his friends are hanging out. You were at Jisung’s place, spending your summer in the most boring ways.
Good thing Jeno’s gorgeous self is here, entertaining you. He’s so pretty, you could just eat him up.
“No he’s not. He’s a nerd!” Jisung fights back, earning a smirk from you.
“Says the one who's summer plans are to play league of legends until he becomes a ‘Challenger’ .” You retort, cranking your neck back to where Jeno was.
You recognize his friends, of course. They’re starting to gain popularity in the school, especially when Jeno got on the basketball team.He’s been working out a lot, gaining extra muscles, toning his body to get even hotter. If that’s even possible.
“Eugh, Jisung, y/n’s drooling over Jeno-hyung again.” Chenle enters the conversation, with a soda in his hand and plops himself on the couch.
“I am not drooling!”
“I got something you can drool on.” Chenle’s awful snark earns a hefty punch on his shoulder from you, the boy laughing in a high-pitch tone that makes it even more annoying than it is.
“Anyways, I think he likes me too.” You sigh dreamily, remembering the things Jeno does to you specifically.
He always carries your bags for you. He’s always the first person to welcome you into their house, and the first person to ask if you’ve had breakfast yet. He offers you rides to school when he sees you walking, and he always asks how your day has been. He’s so charming, so nice and you just can’t help but give at least a little bit of malice into it.
I mean, there has to be something, right?
“Oh she’s crazy. She’s fucking insane!” Chenle dramatically gasps, and points at you like you’ve committed a crime.
“That is seriously concerning, y/n. The level of delusion– my god.” Jisung joins in, as he pauses his game to look back and judge you.
“You two are just haters. Get off my ass!” You flip them off, with two hands, each one gets a middle finger from you.
“Look, y/n, we’re just sparing you from getting your little heart broken. Jeno-hyung does not like you.” Chenle’s tone becomes more serious this time, but in your head, he’s wrong. If Jeno didn’t like you, then why would he get out his way just to walk you home whenever you leave their house way too late?
“Seriously. You guys, I really think he’s the one for me. I mean, I can’t really think of any other reason as to why he’s so kind to me, y’know?”
Jisung looked at Chenle as if he really cannot believe what he’s hearing from you. Chenle shakes his head left to right, disappointment spread all over his face.
A set of laughter broke your conversation as you three faced out the pool side, to see Jeno and his friends now actually playing in the pool. Jeno then went on the edge, the ones in front of the back door where you were looking from, and pulled himself out of the water.
The trinkets of water dripping in his hair was one thing, but his wet body being revealed in front of you, the perfect curve of his shoulders down to his small waist, and the veins in his arms definitely woke something up in you.
“Yeah… I’ll confess to him tonight.” your voice almost sounded strange, like you were in a hypnotic state, still mesmerized by Jeno.
“Jesus christ, y/n–” before Jisung finishes, Chenle interrupts.
“Dude, let her. This is her canon event.”
You had no idea what that means, and you’re not interested to know. One thing’s in your mind, Jeno will be yours by midnight.
9:56pm
It’s like the heavens planned it all out for you.
Jeno’s friends all left, as to your surprise, because you thought they’d at least spend the night. Jeno had always offered to let his friends stay, but this time, he asked them to leave before 6. Which is odd, yes, but this all favors you in a way.
Chenle and Jisung still visibly opposed to your idea, and you’re sure they had reason to think its not gonna work out, but it’s not like it matters to you.
Whilst the three of you are in Jisung’s room, you can hear the TV on the lounge area. Their parents are out of town this summer, something about a cruise, so that means, it has to be Jeno.
In your mind, it’s the perfect timing. It’s deep in the evening, the moon’s out, and there’s never been an opportunity where you’re brave enough to actually confess.
Your heartbeat notches another tempo, as you leave Jisung’s room, much to the two’s dismay.
Before you could get to the lounge area, you’d have to pass the kitchen first.
A couple more steps, your feet turning cold, but you still managed. But before you can get a glimpse on the couch, your name was called.
“Y/n?” It’s him. Fuck, it’s him!
Okay, so he’s in the kitchen. That’s fine. Take a deep breath, You just gotta talk to him!
“Jeno,”
You took a step closer to where he was, and he’s looking extra delectable with his white shirt and grey sweatpants. Not that there’s been a moment where he didn’t look good.
“Are you going home? Ask Jisung to walk you home, I kinda—“
“Jeno, I want to talk to you, actually.” Now your voice trembles, and you’re starting to feel nervous.
“Oh, okay. Sure, what’s up?” Jeno looks to be still oblivious to your anxious state. He puts down the wine that he was holding, and turned to you completely.
You gulped, finally looking up to his eyes. He had a shadow of smile on them, but was still curious on what you had to say. You're mere two feet away from him, yet his musky scent still invades your nose.
God, all of that can be yours.
“But you’d have to say it fast because I have—”
“I like you. Very much.”
The deafening silence engulfs you, and only the sound of your heartbeat was prominent. Him, on the other hand, eyes wide, mouth ajar.
“—and I know this is so sudden but I’ve liked you ever since we were kids. I’ve always thought you were cute and nice to me!” You tried to fill in the silence, because every second that passed with him not saying anything kills you.
Another second passed, and your nervousness is long gone, because it was replaced by an impending doom.
“Y/n, look, I really appreciate it but… I-I’m just being nice.. I have to be nice. You’re my brother’s best friend—”
Fuck, shit, fuck! This cannot be happening!
“Oh, my, god!”
A high pitched voice behind you tores the tension in the air, and when you looked back, you saw Eunmi, with an amused look in her face, then covering her mouth with her hands.
She let out a laugh, as if he finds all of this ridiculous.
All of a sudden, you can’t breathe. Your heart was about to explode as you looked back at where Jeno was, seeing two wine glasses behind him. The movie in the background, still playing.
And it all just stops.
“That’s so cute!” Eunmi screeched, before walking towards Jeno and snaking her arms around him.
“Babe, I was wondering why it’s taking so long, you didn’t tell me this girl is pouring her heart out to you! Awe,”
You can feel your eyes warming up. You had so much left to say. But your voice can’t be found. The heart ache was too loud for you to even utter a word.
And in the end, all you could say was, “I’ll.. go home.”
Then you were gone, every step with every tear drop, and although you expected it to hurt, it still surprises you how painful it was.
You’re glad he didn’t run after you. You can’t be more pathetic than this, but it would kill you for him to witness your vulnerability.
Jeno was your first love.
And then Jeno became your first heartbreak.
With all the smiles he brought you, you never thought he could cause you so many tears.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Is it wrong to be this young and this tired?
You look at yourself in the mirror, analyzing every inch of your body. On the contrary, you don’t hate what you see. You’ve worked so hard to attain the body that you have now, and you’re satisfied where you’re at.
But there’s an empty feeling in your stomach that never left, and you can’t seem to figure out what it is. It’s always been there.
“Get back to bed,” You hear a disgruntled sound from the bed, and immediately your smile fades. You’re pulled back to reality, one that you hated to be in.
“I’m going home,” you say, before grabbing your clothes and putting them back on.
You don’t know why you do this, but you wait before walking out the door, for a sliver of a second to see if the man on the bed even attempts to ask you to stay. And just what you expected, he didn’t.
Sometimes you wish you’re worthy of being asked to stay, but who were you kidding.
There’s a deep routed scar that you’ve been trying so hard to cover. You like to think that the antidote that you have for it works, but the way you’ve been stuck in the same situation all over again says otherwise.
You thought you were healing, but the truth is, you just stopped feeling.
All your life is ahead of you, they say. But yours feels far behind.
You don’t really know where you went wrong, you thought if you became pretty, everybody would like you. You thought that if you agreed to sleep with them, they’d appreciate you. You thought that if you change your entire personality, they would start to see you.
Where did you go wrong? You dyed your hair blonde, you worked your body to achieve the hourglass figure and you even went ahead and let every man that looks your way to have you. Isn’t that enough?
See, this is why you hate being sober. You hate being alone with your thoughts, because it drowns you. You start thinking of things that overwhelms you to the point of tears, and you hate crying. You’ve already done too much of that before.
So why does everybody hate you for drinking? If that’s the only escape you know? It isn’t fair.
“I’m losing my mind,” you say, biting your nails and jerking your knees in frustration.
“Jesus, you’re like a crack addict without crack for a day.” Chenle says as he looks at you.
“She hasn’t had alcohol in a week,” Jisung says as if he’s proud, smiling at you.
You roll your eyes. You’ve been trying to stray off alcohol ever since Jisung and Kun asked you to. You ought to at least try, because you owe them that. On the latter part, if it didn’t work, and you spiral out, you can at least say that you tried.
“Ah, fuck it.” You say, but before Jisung freaks, you clarify, “I’m just gonna smoke for a bit, grandpa.” You say and dashed out of his dorm, down to the parking lot.
It’s winter, and the snow has already covered the streets. The cold was always your favorite season, it gives you reason to just stay inside and cuddle up in your cozy room.
You open up a new packet of cigarettes as you stand outside basking in winter air. It’s especially windy today, you thought.
The heat of the smoke traveling through your lungs was refreshing. It rivals the coldness of the wind, creating a balance that hits you just right. A perfect combination of sensation to combat the numbness in you.
Before the light hits the filter of the cigarette, you hear a screeching sound to your left.
It was a car, no, it was his car.
You mentally curse, throwing the unfinished stick to your feet and stomping on it. You frantically try to walk back up the building, but as you hear the car door slamming, you take a deep breath.
“Smoking’s really bad for you,” Jeno says, walking towards your direction.
“You basically run off of weed and gatorade, Jeno.”
Although you did try your best to keep walking, Jeno catched up in a couple of steps. You stood together waiting for the elevator.
“Is Chenle upstairs, too?” He starts.
“Yeah. Congrats on the game, Jeno. Sorry I had to ruin your night,” you followed it with a slight laugh, hoping to lighten the mood.
“Nah, it’s fine. Didn’t wanna stay in that party anyways,”
The elevator finally dings open, you hesitate to move at first, but when Jeno enters the lift and looks at you, you take this as a sign to walk in with him. So walk in you did.
“Kun took care of you, right?” He asks. You badly wanted to look at him, but you chose not to.
“Yeah.. he’s a great guy.” You silently say, not feeling good about the conversation.
“Hm,” he paused. The suspicious tone made you look at him, anticipating what comes out of his mouth next.
“I saw you walking out of Yeojun's dorm last night tho.” He says as if it was nothing, as if it was a little detail he had to tell you. But the underlying idea behind his statement was obvious.
You hitched your breath. No, y/n. Fight back.
“What can I say, I’m booked and busy.”
“You’re— that’s not something to be proud of, y/n.” He states as if he’s running out of patience, now looking back at you.
You smirked wider, “Oh don’t be a hypocrite, Jeno. You do the same damn thing,”
He grunts in frustration. “Yes but you’re different, y/n!”
8… 9….
“Different in what way? Because I’m a woman? And this isn’t what women do? Don’t give me that bullshit,”
“Fuck that, you know that’s not what I meant. I’m just protecting you from what people think about you.”
10… 11… 12…
“Jeno, I want you to listen to me carefully.” You took another step closer to him, looking up to level your face with his. “—whatever you heard about me, I want you to times it by a million, and when you think it’s bad, make it worse.” You whispered.
You tilt your head to hover your lips on his ear, “And guess what, who knows, maybe they’re telling the truth.”
And as soon as the elevator hits the 15th floor, you walk out without looking back.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
You were a lost cause.
Jeno thought he just needed to accept the fact that you’re just never gonna be the same.
He doesn’t know why it bothered him so much, the fact that you’re not letting anyone help you. It never bothered him before, and so, it shouldn’t bother him now.
It’s not his fault that you turned out to be this way. It’s not his fault.
So he distracts himself. Both in ways of basketball and women.
He tried to go back to his old ways, back to where he’s safe. He was doing fine, before you plagued his system. Plus, it’s not like he didn’t try, he damn did try.
Maybe this version of you is the real you. Maybe this is what’s meant to be.
“Holy fuck,” Haechan eyes the woman who walks out of Jeno’s room, obviously checking her out. Jeno just rolled his eyes and spread his arms around the back of the couch. Dragging a long hit of the weed he seemed to never get run out of.
“That’s the third girl this week, Jeno. Are you trying to break my record?” Haechan scoffed, as if proud of his friend.
“I’m not trying to break anything, but if you want, I’d gladly break your nose.”
Haechan put both his hands up, taking a step back because out of all of them, Jeno’s the one who could really do it. And he’s not trying to risk his beautiful face.
“Dude, this is bad.” Renjun was the second one to comment, following Haechan. He looked at Jeno’s state, and he can tell something’s not right. There’s something bothering Jeno, and Renjun can’t exactly tell what.
He had an idea, but he’s sure as hell won’t tell it to Jeno’s face.
“What? I have two weeks before the game. I need to relax.” Jeno says, ignoring the concern in Renjun’s face.
“And this is relaxing to you?” Renjun grabs an empty bottle of beer, one of the many that’s scattered all over the place.
Jeno didn’t answer, letting a sigh out of his lips and closing his eyes. He can’t think straight right now, or in the past week. He had been sleeping with different girls, to the point where he ran out of bed sheets to use. His room stinks of sweat and axe body spray, and he can’t seem to be satisfied, at all.
“I don’t know, Junnie. Just… leave me alone.” At this moment, Renjun can’t help but sigh. It's these kinds of moments where he knows that Jeno needs someone. Where the one month gap in their age really shines and Jeno needs his older brother, Renjun.
He puts down the plastic bag of trash and sat beside Jeno. “Look, Jeno. I’m not gonna sit here and ask you what this is about, but this is starting to look really sad. Jaemin is already down, and I don’t need you broken too. I can’t handle Haechan by myself,” Renjun, in an attempt to lighten up the mood.
“Junnie, just let me be, okay? I swear.. this will pass.”
“I sure hope it would. Because you can’t fix someone if you’re broken yourself. That’s just plain dumb.”
He grunts, and cursed deeply because he know’s Renjun’s right. But how can he, when it feels like he’s stuck? When has everything, but he feels like he’s got nothing? He has a great future ahead of him, he knows that, but why does it feel like something’s missing?
Girls, money, fame. What more could he want?
In a split second, Jeno regrets asking himself that question. Because he feel like he knows the answer, but he really doesn’t like it.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
“Lee Jeno, what the fuck was that?!”
Yangyang pushed Jeno, but instead of fighting back, Jeno just shook his head. He raked his fingers across his hair as he sat at the bleachers.
Thank fuck this isn’t the actual university game. Because if it was, they’d for sure lose the first quarter and Jeno will have his first ever loss written on his otherwise squeaky clean reputation.
“Don’t fucking yell at my face.” Jeno’s voice thundered.
“Five hundred dollars are at stake, and Minho would not let us live if you lose against him, Jeno.” Yangyang’s voice was a lot more controlled, but still angry, nonetheless.
“Man, I don’t really care.” Jeno let out an unenthusiastic chuckle, drinking out of his tumbler.
“What?” Yangyang feels like he’s mistaken. Lee Jeno doesn’t care if he loses? In a basketball game, that is? Oh he truly thinks the world has turned upside down.
Before he could even ask his friend again, Minho starts shouting from the other side of the court.
“What, Lee Jeno? The magic doesn’t work now, doesn’t it?” Minho yells, earning a laugh from his teammates.
“Fuck you! Games not over, bitch!” Yangyang yells back, full of confidence but looked back at Jeno, worry splattered in his face.
“Dude, I swear, we need to put that son of a bitch back in his place!” Yangyang angrily whispers.
“I’m gonna sit this one out, Yang–”
“How about we bet on that y/n girl?! Your brother’s friend, right? Heard she spreads it open to just about anyone who looks at her funny!”
Without even thinking, Jeno’s fast on his feet, and his vision turns red. His fist curled up and his logical thinking was out of the window. His vision is straight at Minho, and his only thought is to knock this bitch out.
Yangyang couldn’t even process anything, as he watches Jeno’s eyes darkens and before any of his teammates could even try and stop Jeno, his fist already connects with Minho’s face. The boy fell down, immediately knocked out, and chaos between both teams ensues. But Jeno didn’t stop.
He’s not letting Minho get up.
“Jeno, slow the fuck down.” He heard a concerned voice at the corner of the nearby club he went to. His feet dragged him here after the incident, wanting to drown himself with anything that could take away his mind from everything.
One shot, two shots, three shots, four.
“I’m paying you, Doyoung, aren’t I?” Jeno says, rolling his eyes at the older man in front of him.
Doyoung was another person Jeno trusts. Besides the three idiots back in his apartment, Doyoung is also the one Jeno’s comfortable with.
“Yes, but I don’t want to report an alcohol poisoning inside my bar, Jeno.” Doyoung can tell Jeno’s done for the night. Slumped over his counter, he forces the shot glass out of Jeno’s hold.
He signals one of his co-bartenders to take over the bar for a bit, before dragging Jeno’s body out of the bar. He notices the bruising at the boy’s hand but he didn’t say anything and drove Jeno home.
“I don’t want to go back to my apartment, Haechan’s there with a girl,” Jeno mumbled, slowly getting more and more sober as the fresh air wakes him up.
“Where’d you want me to bring you then?” Doyoung asked.
“I don’t know… fuck.. just, bring me back to my brother’s.”
Thankfully, Doyoung knew Jisung’s apartment. He’s close with both of the brothers, often being mistaken as a brother as well. But after graduating, he just naturally went off and did other things.
Doyoung huffs as soon as he successfully brought Jeno in front of Jisung’s apartment, however, another problem was that Jisung isn’t answering the phone.
“Jeno, I really can’t stay here with you, I just sneaked out of my shift,” he explains, but Jeno just dismissed him and nods. Doyoung knocks at the door before he left, making sure that if there was a person inside, they’d open the door for Jeno.
Jeno wasn’t as drunk as earlier, that’s for sure. What’s left is the pounding headache plus the fact that no one’s opening the door for him.
Out of sheer frustration, he kicks the door, strong enough to make a banging sound but not hard enough to damage it.
“Fucking Jisung,” he murmured to himself, almost turning his heels to walk out, but before he could, rattling on the other side of the door can be heard.
Jeno sighs in relief, but seconds after it opened, what greets him almost knocks the breath out of his lungs.
“Shit, Jeno.” Your soft voice matched your soft expression as you look at him with obvious shock.
Jeno, on the other hand, didn’t want to extend the painful awkward silence.
“I-Is my brother there?” Stuttering was never Jeno’s thing. Until this moment, he thinks.
“He’s… he’s like, I think at a girls place somewhere… fuck, I think her name’s Jieun or some shit..” Your eyes take turns in blinking, but still standing straight— conflicting the idea that you’re drunk. Well, at least not y/n drunk.
“Then why are you here?” He didn’t know why, but his hands automatically grabs the door knob to swing the door more open to see if you’re inside with somebody.
He just needs to know you’re alone.
“I crash here sometimes… when I’m locked out of my apartment.” You shoulders where slumped, words were coming out slow. Jeno can tell you’re not sober.
He can’t say shit because he’s not in an exactly sober state as well. So he just proceeds to walk past you to enter the dorm.
Technically, Jisung’s place is his place too. Their parents fixed it up for the two of them but Jeno chose to stay over at his shared apartment with the other boys. So he can do whatever he wants to do.
The entire place reeks of weed, and the floor has two empty bottles of Soju. He almost threw up, he hates Soju.
“Jesus fucking christ, Jisung.” He murmured as he picks up the trash, forgetting that you were standing behind him baffled.
“I’m sorry about that…” Of course it’s yours. Of course you’ve been drinking again. Fuck him for thinking that it’s his brother’s fault. Because it’s would always be you.
Jeno stays quiet. He’s not in the best mood to even look at you. Everything that’s been happening to him recently is because of you. He hates that he blames you, but he can’t just think of someone else.
“Jeno...” Your soft voice calls for him again. It took everything from him to ignore you, and walk back to the kitchen and throw all the trash away.
He’s hanging by a thread, and he starts to realize it’s a bad idea to stay here for long.
He takes a deep breath and walks towards the door, but before that, he felt a tight grip in his arms.
“Jeno.. talk to me.” The sultry voice you had did not go unnoticed, and Jeno couldn’t help but stop his tracks.
Don’t break, Jeno.
“Jeno.. please look at me.”
He forces your grip out of his arms. It kills him, so much to hear you like this.
“I’m leaving,” He managed to say, however, his feet says otherwise. He’s standing still, not even another step out the door.
“You’re not, please. Just… just look at me.” Jeno heaves, his hands turning into fists as he tries and compose himself.
Just this once.
He turns his heel and immediately surrendered. The moment he let his eyes on you, he already lost the game.
“Why don’t you want me?”
He gulps. He bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything, because he doesn’t trust that he’s not going to say something he’s not ready to say.
“You’ve had so many girls.. Jeno, why not me? I’m…” You paused, you look left to right as if you’re finding words to say. “..I’m better than all of them.”
“Y/n—“
“No! Fuck it, Jeno! There’s no fucking reason why you won’t fuck me! It doesn’t make any fucking sense!” Jeno hears ringing in his head, the string of patience threatening to snap.
“Why? Explain to me fucking why you would fuck all those bitches and not me? I swear.. Jeno, I’m good— fuck that, I’m the best—”
“I’m so—”
“Ask half of your team.”
In that note, the last thread he was hanging on to snapped. You want him? Fine. Take it.
He grips your arms and drags you inside of the room, and in his peripheral view, he can see your demeanor changes. Now, your eyes are mischievous, and your lips turning into a smirk.
“You want to fucking play that game? Fine, I’ll fucking play with you.” Jeno almost growls, letting you sit on the bed as he slams the door shut.
“Strip.” He orders, in the most dominant voice he has.
You bit your lip as you look up at him. Slowly discarding your clothes one by one, but not breaking eye contact with him.
His eyes were dark. So dark that you can’t tell anything that’s on his mind. His jaw tightens at the sight of you almost stripped off of your dress.
“I’ve been so fucking patient with you,”
The dim lights shone at his back, as he craned his body down, standing before you. Nearing his face unto yours, the mirror on the side of the bed depicted something out of a dark fairytale, a silhouette of a beast trying to tempt an angel.
But in reality, the angel had already fallen. Deep and hard. The beast didn't even have to do anything.
"Tell me you want me," he says.
"I do, Jeno. I really want you," And as of this moment, you lost the battle you've fought for all these years.
"All this time, huh? You're still lusting over your best friend's brother?" Now, his tone was slightly teasing. His once gentle hands on your cheeks turned possessive, his grip getting tighter.
"Dirty, dirty, dirty little girl. Bet when you fuck those boys, you think of me, don't you?" His thumb on your lower lip, parting it softly.
"This is your chance, y/n. Tonight, I'm yours. Just tell me the words," his whispers turned deadly, as his own lips are almost touching yours.
"J-jeno.."
"Pretty, pretty, pretty..." His words spit like venom. Every movement of his lips gave you a tease, your entire body burning with desire.
Your mind was under his control, and you completely and utterly surrendered to him. He's not yours— you're his.
"—Please," you finally choked out, and like a green light, Jeno kissed you with hunger, pushing his entire body weight onto you forcing you to lay down on the bed.
“I thought you won’t beg anymore?” The cockiness in his voice would usually prompt a reaction from you but you don’t care anymore.
This time, his hips close the distance between your bodies, maneuvering his knees to position between your legs. Careful not to crush you, he kept balance of his weight as he pushed his hip further, creating a slight friction between your clothed core.
After what it seemed like forever, his lips traveled down your neck, and almost immediately you can feel that he's gonna leave a mark. You'll definitely leave with a painted neck.
His hands expertly went under your dress, grabbing your breast, squeezing them ever so slightly. It doesn't take a full minute when his hands went around your back and unclasped your bra like it was nothing. All while he was focused on kissing every part of your skin.
Of course he's good at this.
Just then, he pulled away but only to pull your dress up and completely undress you. He took his time looking at your exposed body.
"You're so fuckin' perfect," he mumbled more so to himself as he admired you. He leaned in again but this time his mouth landed on one of your breasts, sucking them deftly.
"Shit, Jeno," you can't help but moan his name, grab the back of his head to level yourself. You pulled his hair, and you didn't know if he likes it, but with the way he groaned gave you a hint that he does.
As he keeps himself busy, his hands go down to your clothed core. Goosebumps ran down your body as his middle finger traced your slit, already feeling the wetness you've desperately hid before.
"So fuckin' wet, and all for me. Am I right, baby?" He whispered, you answered with a whiny 'yes' that it almost sounded like a stranger.
"Lemme' take this off," he quickly pulled down your panties, only to be welcomed by your soaking wet core. Jeno was ravenous, like he's been starved all his life.
The room was dark, only a dim lamp providing some light, but the wetness in your pussy glistens and reflects, that Jeno swore he's never seen something so beautiful. You're beautiful, and he's gonna make you feel just exactly that.
You can hear his belt buckle, him swiftly taking all his clothes off.
"God, I can never get used to how fucking pretty you are, my pretty little baby," he mumbled again, to himself.
"Who was the last guy you fucked, baby?" Jeno asked, catching you off guard. He was pumping himself as he looks at you, and you never thought he would ask such question.
"Wha-- why? I don't kn- probably—" Your speech cut off when you looked down at his moving arms, to see all of him.
You've heard rumors. You knew he was packing. But good God, he's so fucking big. Almost knocking the breath out of your lungs. You're starting to get worried if it would fit.
"Doesn't even matter.. everyone else doesn't count. Just me.”
He then pressed his finger down in your core, finding the clit right away. Rapidly circling his finger, and a wave of pleasure started to form. "Oh fuck--," you moaned.
He dove down to kiss you, this time passionately. Much softer than before. Only for you to feel his finger entering you that you went crazy. Not long before he added another,pumping it swiftly in and out. He moved away from your face to watch your expression. And he fucking loved it.
"Fuck, I'm gonna cum-" you whispered.
"Go on, baby." Jeno, encouraging you even more, fingers going faster.
"Shit.. oh my go-" and then it hit you, your first orgasm of the night. Jeno's face was all you can see, and his fingers was all you can feel. Your brows furrowed, mouth agape, you felt like you can't control your body. Jeno's lips was also parted, as if he gains pleasure from watching you reach your climax.
"Good girl," he groaned.
"Need more, Jen. Please," begging was never on your vocabulary, until now.
"Shh, no need to beg, baby. I'm more than willing to give you all," his sweet words acted as an aphrodisiac, igniting the fire in you. As if you needed him to be even more sexier.
Because it was dark in the room, your sense of touch is heightened. Every touch lingered, and its as if you were touch deprived your entire life. Jeno brings out your true colors, and you're not mad about it.
"Make you feel good," he whispered more praises, and you can hear him pump himself as he aligned his length onto your aching core.
"Oh my god," you can't help but gasp, the stretch overwhelming you. You've never taken someone this big before, and it fucking felt like its your first time. Not in a painful way, but because you've felt a whole new sensation.
"S' wet, baby, fuck, you're choking me," in a low groan, Jeno slowly bottomed out. He sits fully inside you, and you can feel every single inch, every single vein. It felt so raw, and so right.
"Hmm, fuck, fuck you feel.. fucking hell. S' good." You never expected Jeno to be this vocal, and you weren't complaining. You always thought he didn't like being vocal, but damn, were you so wrong.
"Jeno.." you moaned, and you can already feel your impending orgasm. Its just that good.
Before Jeno could even find a pace with his thrust,, he pulled out. Your eyes opened in confusion, from the abrupt emptiness.
"Fuck this," Jeno was fast on his feet, you wondered where he was going, but before your mind settles on a conclusion, you were blinded by bright lights.
"Need to see you properly," he reasoned, before he went back to the position he was before.
With the lights on, you can now see his perfectly lean body, toned abs and the sweat beading on his sideburns. He looked so hot that you could cum right there and then.
"So fucking beautiful," Jeno never failed to compliment you, as he stares at you before sliding it in again. For the second time you gasp, but because he slid it in so swift that you didn't even get a second to breathe before he pounds.
"Oh, fuck, Jeno!" you squealed, your entire body rocking back and forth with how rough he was.
His hands grabbed your left leg and hooked it in his shoulder, all the while he kept the fast pace of his thrusts. You can see his face twist, him biting his lips and looking up. His expert thrusts made his abs flex everytime. The sight was stunning, and for a second there you were lost. You can't believe other girls had seen this before you.
The orgasm you fought so hard was out of your control now, and you knew you weren't gonna last.
"Jeno, I'm gonna cum," you tell him, and he switched his position in no time. "Together. Cum with me," he muttered.
"Come inside, Jeno. I need it so bad," you were slurring words at this point, so barbaric with the feeling.
He unhooked your leg and leaned forward. Your body now pressed together as he wrapped your legs onto his waist, his hands finding your neck, holding it steady as he touched his forehead with yours. His piercing eyes were hyper focused on yours.
"Eyes on me, baby. Fuck, please," he moaned, his tempo going even more rapid and desperate. Both of your mouths was wide open at this point.
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck!" he stilled, as you both reached climax. He emptied himself inside you. You can't help but moan in a high pitch as orgasm washes over your entire body, an intense wave brought you to euphoria, and you never wanna leave.
"Damn," he whispered, almost in disbelief on how it felt to be with you. Still giving you everything he had, every single drop.
"Jeno," you called out once you relaxed, hoping to get him back to his senses.
"Wait- just.. shit." he managed to mutter despite his weak state. He's still wrapped around you, tight as if you were disappearing. Not to mention he's still balls deep.
A solid minute has passed when he decided to pull out, both of you hissing at the feeling. You felt so empty, and he felt so bare.
And when Jeno closes his eyes, he accepts defeat. You’ve successfully broken him.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Sooyoung, Minnie, Hoyeon, Yoonah.
So far, those are the names that you gathered.
It doesn’t take a long time to figure out what Jeno likes, based on the girls he’s been with. They’re all hot, popular with the boys, and if not the same age as him, they’re older.
The other common denominator is that they all have experience. When Jeno started sleeping around, you would only see him with women who’s expected to be with him. Like those women who knows how pretty they are, who’s aware how to handle a man like Jeno.
So when you finally turn eighteen, you did not waste time.
“Do you think I look hot in this, Ji?” You ask innocently, looking at your best friend through the mirror you’re standing in front of.
He barely looks up from his nintendo switch, and when you make eye contact, the look of disgust on his face makes you roll your eyes.
“Your freakin’ ass is hanging off that skirt. You look like a…” Jisung turns his head towards Chenle on the other side of the room, playing on his playstation.
“…hooker.” Chenle finished the sentence for him. You hide a smirk.
“I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you!” You did a curtsy, before grabbing your purse.
“Wait, where are you going?” Chenle asked as soon as he paused the game to see you walk towards the door.
“NCU is throwing this party for the new basketball team, got an invite from Jungwoo.” You gave Chenle a wink, knowing it would annoy the heck out of him.
“What?! Why do I not know about this?!” You flinched when Chenle says the first word in the highest octave possible.
“Probably because we’re not in NCU’s college department yet? The party’s exclusive for college students, dumbass.” Jisung says boredly, bringing his attention back to his nintendo.
“Except I got an invite, you losers didn’t!” And just for extra annoyance, you stick your tongue out to mock them.
Chenle only huffs, but takes his phone out of his pocket.
“Invited or not, I’m going. I’m sure your broke ass would take up a free ride to the party,” He says as he waits for someone on his phone.
“And how do you plan to enter the party, dimwit? You don’t have an invite,” Jisung asks.
“I’m Zhong fucking Chenle. That’s my invite.” He smirks, grabs his keys and your wrist. You flew a kiss towards Jisung and left his apartment.
Booming music, strobe lights. The bass vibrates through the wall and honestly, this is way too extreme from what you expected. This is the first real party you had attended, where you’re specifically invited.
Jungwoo was someone you knew, from one of your girlfriends. He’s three years ahead of you, making him a year older than Jeno. And to be frank, Jungwoo didn’t peak your interest at first. But when you knew that he’s in Jeno’s friend circle, you figured that maybe, you do like Jungwoo.
“Hey,” Someone from behind you whispers on your ear, making you whip your head. You saw Jungwoo, head hangs low just to whisper. He displays a playful smile as he hugs you.
But before you could even tighten his embrace, Chenle took a protective stance, putting his arms in between. “Woah dude, chill out.”
Jungwoo chuckled, putting his hands up. “Zhong, calm down,”
You immediately give Chenle a look of confirmation, “I’m good, Le.”
“Just making sure.” He says and steps back. He patted Jungwoo’s shoulder in a sense that he’s good. Chenle has always been protective, in literal terms. Jisung however, is protective in a motherly kind of way. In short, Chenle’s fights, Jisung nags.
“Why don’t you talk to Jaehyun? Heard he’s interested in taking you in the team.” Jungwoo says making Chenle widen his eyes, a breathless ‘really?’ coming out of his lips and Jungwoo nods. You pushed Chenle to go find the Jaehyun guy and before you know it, you’re alone with Jungwoo.
“He’s really into basketball, huh?” Jungwoo, sounding amused.
You on the other hand, start roaming your eyes around the room. You’re here for someone, and you need to know if they’re in this party, or else this would be a huge waste of time if he’s not here.
“Yeah, he basically worships Stephen Curry.” You looks at him, to at least try to entertain the boy.
“Mm-hm.” The way his hands crawl into your waist so naturally was a shock to you, but you don’t say anything at all. He starts walking and with his hands attached on your body, you can’t help but walk with him.
“So.. where’s the team?” You really did try to prolong the moment you’re with Jungwoo, but you just can’t stay still without confirming if he’s here.
“They’re upstairs. Some of my teammates doesn’t really like hanging out with too many people.”
“How about you?”
“I was waiting for you, pretty.” Jungwoo flashes a smile, someone could argue his most defining feature but then again, you have your sights on someone else.
True to his words, Jungwoo brought you upstairs, where it’s more intimate with a few people. There’s a lounge area in front of a bar and that's where you spot the certain someone you’ve been looking for.
And as expected, he has a girl with him.
“Hey, guys, uh– this is y/n.” Jungwoo awkwardly introduces you to everyone, including Jeno who at first was shocked at your presence, but soon enough replaced with a certain tension in his eyes.
You did a small wave, still shy at the amount of eyes on you. These people are legends on campus. They’re basically the school’s pride and seeing them acknowledging you was amusing. And Jeno, like the perfect man that he is, just fits right in.
“Hi, I’m Juyeon,” He extends his hands, so you, a person who doesn’t like leaving people hanging, gladly accepts it.
And everyone else follows suit, except Jeno. He was looking at something else, not even the girl he’s with. He’s fixated at his beer can, looking at it very seriously.
“Jeno?” Jungwoo asks, questioning why the boy didn’t acknowledge you.
He looked at Jungwoo, and he was about to answer but you did it for him.
“We know each other. I’m friends with his brother.” You smile at Jungwoo, and he seemed to understand it so he just lead you to the empty spot on the lounge.
They started talking, but your attention was on Jeno. You realized that this is his crowd, quickly you found that he’s very different in front of other people. He’s more talkative, that’s for sure.
But your eyes also catch the soft touches he graces the girl beside him. The whispers he gave, the smiles and subtle kisses on the side of her head. His arms around her and the jokes he tells just for the two of them.
It has been years since he rejected you, yet the pain still stings.
You took your eyes somewhere else, made easy as Jungwoo starts to caress your shoulder. He leaned below, matching your face. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” you smiled at him. You weren’t, but you’re obviously not gonna tell that.
He hands you a shot of what you assume alcohol, with his eyes anticipating your next move. This is the first time you’re drinking without Chenle or Jisung around, and you’re unsure if this was okay.
But with everybody starting to look at Jungwoo’s waiting hand, the shot clearly for you, you start to panic. There’s no way you’re gonna embarrass yourself in front of these seniors.
So you suck it up and took the shot. You’re not sure, but you got a glance from Jeno that tells he’s not happy with your action.
The taste of the alcohol was strong, but somehow your throat didn’t burn. Yes, you definitely felt it heat up your taste buds but not bad enough for you to hate it. It’s like a sensation that hypes up your system.
And so, with your new found information, you were more confident in taking shots now. And exactly that you do.
But with the amount of liquid going in, it has to come out. So you excused yourself to the bathroom to pee. You assured Jungwoo you were okay, because heck yeah, you’re fine.
Not until you actually stood up. Good thing you didn’t stumble, but shit, your world is spinning.
You bee line straight to the bathroom and relieve yourself. It took a couple minutes before you finished washing your hands, and as you walk out of the restroom, you were met by a figure clearly waiting for you to finish up.
“J-Jeno,” you muttered, moreso in surprise.
“Y/n what the hell are you doing here?” He whispers, angrily of course.
“Jungwoo invited me!” You whisper back, leaning on the door behind you to balance yourself.
“Where’s my brother? Chenle?” He looms over you, and all you can think about is his luscious lips, mere inches to yours.
“They.. Chenle came with me, Ji stayed home..” You answer, despite being in a trance. The entire place is spinning, but not Jeno’s face. It’s there, in front of you.
“I need you to find Chenle and go home.” He says in finality, expecting you to follow. You knit your brows, as you take in offense over what he’s doing.
“What? I’m invited here!” You whined.
“Find Chenle. Now.” The growl in his last words made you slightly intimidated, not to mention his eyes burning holes into your own.
God, he’s so handsome.
You don’t know if its the vodka, or just plain recklessness that gave you the idea of just tipping on your toes and try kissing Jeno.
It made perfect sense in your head. Your hands cupping his cheeks obviously caught him off guard, but before your lips touch his, his reflex of pushing you off was unfortunately faster.
He shoved you harsh, causing you to stumble and almost losing your balance.
“What the fuck?!” He yells.
Your heartbeat went quicker. Everything started to process. Jeno looks so mad, he huffs and wiping his palm against the part of his face that your lips had touched.
“I-I’m s-sorr—”
“I have a fucking girlfriend, y/n!” He spits, words felt like daggers through your chest.
“Jeno, I’m sorry. I was out of—” Your eyes start to burn.
“Are you that desperate? I rejected you already, didn’t I? I will never look at you different than being my brother’s best friend, y/n! So stop this fucking delusion while I’m being nice.” Jeno points his fingers at you, making you flinch a little bit.
“Jeno, please.” Your tears are now slowly flowing. You attempted to grab his wrist to make him stay and listen to your apologies but he swiped it off like he’s disgusted to be touched by you.
“No, y/n. You’re like a sister to me. It disgusts me to even think of being with you romantically. So please, know your fucking place.”
With that, he walks out and leaves you broken.
You don’t understand. You did everything by the book. You looked pretty, you knew how he liked girls. You made yourself into his fantasies and he still can’t see past the fact that you’re just his brother’s bestfriend.
You take a deep breath between the sobs, calming yourself down. You felt horrible. You felt so sick and embarrassed. You felt so fucking desperate and pathetic that you just want to numb yourself of the pain.
You grab your chest, having difficulty breathing from crying too hard.
This is way more than a broken heart.
You’re no longer consolable, and there’s just no way you’re going back there with your makeup now ruined.
Are you that hard to want?
Are you that hard to need?
The tears don't stop as you walk out of the party. Gladly, everybody’s wasted so nobody noticed you ugly-crying.
As you turn to an alleyway, you shoot Jungwoo a text saying you got sick, and Chenle saying you got an uber home.
With your 7-inch heels on your hand, in the cold street, you walk in shame.
Bare feet on the sidewalk, shivering, that's when you noticed a bar.
Your feet prompted to enter, so that you did. You were going to drown the pain, and there’s nothing in your mind except alcohol.
You hoped that it would ease the pain.
And it did, the effects of it giving you a temporary memory loss. This was the numbing you needed.
The sensation of alcohol gave you solace, and for a while, your thoughts melted into nothingness.
Staring at the shot glass in front of you, you made a promise to your eighteen year old self.
That if Jeno doesn’t want you, you’ll make it your life’s mission to make everyone else crave you. You don’t need Jeno.
You’ll never be rejected again.
And just as soon as you felt like you can breathe again, your phone buzzed.
[2:34am] jisung: y/n, come home, quickly. it’s your mom.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
It was odd to say the least.
This has been what you’ve wanted for so many years. You prayed— and begged the heavens for Jeno to finally take you, to prove that you can get him.
And now, you’ve proven your point.
But why does it feel… strange?
Yes, it was the best sex you’ve had, and it might be the only one that could make you feel that way. It was mindblowing, it was everything and more.
Isn’t this the goal? For him to actually step over that line of being your best friend’s brother?
What else did you want?
Honestly, you don’t know anymore. Hence, you sneak out of the apartment in the middle of the night. Jeno was laying on his stomach, the comforter covering his lower half. His back muscles spread across the sheets and you take the art in. He really is sculptured to perfection.
You managed to put on your clothes and walk out of the apartment building. You find yourself in a nearby convenience store, walking through the isle finding something you didn’t know. Your mind is blank and empty.
These are the times where you wished there was someone to guide you to what you should do next. Because you have no idea. You’re confused, and you need direction.
These are the moments where you wished your mom was here. She would know what to do.
For a while, when you were with Jeno, you felt warmth you’ve always been trying to find from somebody else. With Jeno, you actually felt like sex wasn’t only about pleasure, but it’s also about being able to express unspoken feelings.
Sex wasn’t something you just needed to get over with. It felt amazing, It was perfect.
But it clicked too, that you know yourself was the only one who really appreciated it. Jeno— was in for the satisfaction. He never needed you like you needed him. You talked him into sleeping with you. You were begging for his touch.
You pushed him to a point where he just snapped and gave you what you’ve been desperately chasing him for.
And for what? Probably for you to stop. He was throwing scraps at you because he’s tired of that one girl who keeps chasing his tail. He just gave in, expecting you to finally give up.
Then it hit you. Your fourteen year old self, your eighteen year old self and your twenty-two year old self still has something in common.
You realize, that all the hard work, the wall you desperately tried to build was a fraud. Because at the end of the day, you never lost feelings for Jeno.
No matter how many people you’ve been with, it’s still gonna be Jeno for you.
That makes you laugh. In both ridiculousness and despair. Hopelessness felt eerily familiar.
Silly you, for thinking you’ve moved on.
Jeno is inevitable. And you’ll learn to accept it too.
As you reach up the isle and grab a bottle of Soju, a hand stops you.
“My love, are you okay?” A soft voice that you haven't heard in a while.
“Kun,”
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Jeno knows he’s royally fucked.
He gave into your trap, and you’ve successfully defeated him. All his morals, his beliefs, and the logic he stands on was out the window.
He knows you planned it out too. This was your way of taking revenge on him, when he repeatedly rejected you years ago.
He tried to keep his distance, because he promised.
And he takes his promises seriously, especially when it involves you. And he felt like he broke the one thing that’s keeping the promise he made a couple years ago.
You weren’t supposed to end up in his bed. You weren’t supposed to still want him after everything he’s done. You weren’t supposed to even be involved with him. He’s supposed to stay wherever he is, on the sidelines, silently protecting you.
But it’s all been done. You and Jeno did it, and it cannot be reversed. And now that its happened, there’s not much he can do. He has to hash things out, he has to fix everything.
Because no matter how many women he had before, no matter how many times he tricks himself, he had always felt like it wasn’t what he’s been searching for.
And when he finally had a taste of you, he’s afraid he’s gonna want more. And he’s afraid that he’ll never feel the way it felt with you. He’s horrified that what happened opened his eyes with what’s the truth.
And when he felt the other side of the bed cold, he opens his eyes and you’re gone.
Yeah, this is just a game for you.
But for him? Oh, he’s eternally fucked. The shame, the guilt, and everything in between creeps up. And not of you, he’ll never—ever be ashamed of you. He’s guilty about the fact that he let himself get carried away.
Out of frustration, he hits his steering wheel as he drove. He can’t believe he just did that.
He was drunk, you were clearly not in the right state of mind. Even if you were, he was still drunk. What happened was fucked up, both for him and for you.
He takes a deep breath before pulling out his phone.
He carefully types, calculating everything he needs to say.
[7:35am] to: y/n
hey. dont say anything to my brother. it was a mistake, i was drunk. i don’t really like you like that.
He sent it quick, afraid he’d delete it if he hesitated longer. And just as he did, he felt his whole chest stiffen.
Because once again, he lied. Both to you, and to himself.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
You woke up through the sounds of your phone ringing. It was the next week after the whole thing happened with Jeno, and you’ve not craved anything but sleep.
Kun never asked questions. Which you’re thankful for, but you can’t help but feel bad.
You ghosted the guy, again, but he welcomed you into his apartment with open arms like nothing happened. His smile was there, the warmth of his embrace still the same.
Before you could even say anything about your guilt, he’s quick to tell you that it’s okay. He’s with you because he wants to. Although you can’t give him what he wants the most.
In a perfect world, if you weren’t so fucked up, you’d be with Kun, no questions asked.
You were lucky it was the weekend, and you’ve got no class. So you just laid on Kun’s couch, binging away, rotting in the cushions. Kun doesn’t mind, he says its better than you going out and drinking.
Which is true, plus you just can’t physically get yourself back up and doing what you do before, after what happened with Jeno.
Jeno, Jeno, Jeno. Fucking Lee Jeno.
It’s like a curse, following you all throughout your existence. He’s like a ghost stuck in your hip, a burden you’d beg to get off of you. There’s just no way you’d have to carry these feelings towards him until your seventy, right? Jesus.
Your head whips at the door when you hear it open, not expecting Kun to come home so early.
He’s not here ‘til 7, right?
“Oh, you’re still here.”
Well, you’re right. It’s not Kun. It’s his lovely roommate Ten. Note the sarcasm on the lovely part.
“Yeah.” You backed down to the couch.
If there’s anyone annoyed at your presence, it’s definitely Ten. You think he harbored the anger and disappointment Kun should’ve had with you— like some sort of anger translator.
“Your roommate must be overjoyed having your place for her own.” He says, with feign casualness in his tone.
“She’s doing fine,”
“I mean, at this point, you’re gonna have to pay your share with the rent.” He scoffs as he puts down his bag harshly on the counter.
You let out a deep breath, reminding yourself that this is also his place. You’re not in a position to return his attitude because you, in your own thoughts, are aware that you’ve overstayed your welcome.
“Kun says its okay–”
“That’s–” Ten’s voice in a high pitch, but quickly calming himself down. “--that’s because Kun can’t say shit to you. I don’t know if you noticed but my friend is literally insane for you. And of course, you like the attention.”
You can’t help but look at him, your mouth slacking due to disbelief of what he just said. You bit your lip and paused, not wanting to say things without thinking about it first. Again, you're not in a position where you’re purely innocent in this situation.
“What do you want me to do? Tell me. I’ll leave right now.” You managed to calm your tone, avoiding any more discussion.
“What I want you to do is to be straight with Kun, y/n. I know you’re used to being a player, but Kun isn’t. He agreed to your situationship because you weren’t ready. You ghosted him for a few weeks and still he took you in even tho I fucking knew it was a dumb decision because he’s just hoping to be with you again. If you’re not planning to be with my friend, then just fucking make your decision. I know you’re not that cruel to string him along. He’s a good person, y/n.”
His sudden outburst caught you off guard, but every word he said was like a slap to you. Every sentence was nothing but facts, and you knew deep inside that you were in the wrong. That Ten was right. Kun is way too good for you. He does not deserve this.
You felt your eyes starting to warm, for a hundredth time. You nod in agreement. However, you can tell he wasn’t finished.
“He’s not your back burner, y/n. And I’m not saying this to you because I have a problem with you, but I’m saying this because he’s my friend. At first it was fine, but when you treat him lesser than what he deserves, I just feel like you’re being.. really selfish. It’s clear that you have your eyes on someone else. But please, Kun doesn’t do this type of shit. He’s way too naive. Poor guy thought he did something wrong.” The last sentence hits you the most, thinking about Kun probably did think that he’s the one to blame.
You sniff, nodding along Ten’s statement. “I will… I’ll talk to him.” You quietly say. Ten just looks at you before sighing, walking towards his door. As soon as his door closes, the front door opened.
“Sweet cheeks, what’re you doing?” Kun asks, seeing you standing on the doorway staring at nothingness.
You immediately wiped your tears and looked at him with a smile. “Really sad netflix movie,” you excused. Kun doubts, but chooses to stay silent. He walks two steps in front of you before giving you a warm hug like he does everytime he sees you at his apartment.
You gulp, gathering courage to actually start the conversation.
“Uh, Can we talk?” you nip at the bottom of your shirt.
“Of course, princess,” The old nickname he had somewhat felt like an assurance that he’s still the same. It lifted a bit of weight in your chest.
You sat in one of the chairs, not knowing what to do. This place was once your safe haven, now it just feels strange knowing what kind of situation you are in.
“So, uhm, I want to apologize for.. essentially cutting you off. It’s just that, uh, I’ve been–”
“You’ve been with Lee Jeno, right?” he asks, a ghost of a smile still present in his face.
“Well, yeah, but also, I didn’t know that I had that much of a relevance in your life so...” you say, honestly.
“Darling, you were everything.” he pauses. “--but I know that I’m not what you need, or what you wanted. And that’s fine. You don’t need to feel bad, it’s just how it goes.”
“But I’m here, and I promise you, that you don’t need to feel responsible about how I feel. I’ll be fine.” He smiles, like he used to, but this time you know it’s fake.
“Kun, you’re too good for me. You deserve more than me.” Your eyes start to water, but Kun never lets it drop. He caresses your cheeks for what it feels like the last time, before nodding at you.
“I know, baby.” He leaned closer, lips slowly grazing yours. As you felt it, the instinct of kissing back was swift, but Kun did not give you the chance of doing so as he pulled away.
“Don’t kiss me back, please,” he mumbled, before caressing your face for what it felt like the last time before turning away.
And just like that, you lost the man who was ready to give you everything for a man who can’t even spare you a glance.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Jeno is still out of his mind.
He had flunked out of practice, only attending a couple times out of the two weeks that he needed to attend. Barely even there, just standing and basically lifeless in the court.
His coach and his teammates already feel less secure because of Jeno’s state of mind, especially when he’s supposed to be the team’s captain. He feels like shit, truly, and he knows he should be focusing on the game. But how can he, when all he can think of is you?
His coach gave him a hard talking but even that can’t seem to shake him up. His willingness to play disappeared like it was nothing.
He’s pretty sure the entire team hates him now, and if only there’s time to replace him, they’d definitely do it, but finding a replacement, with his skills, is basically impossible. Moreso in limited time.
As soon as he enters his apartment, he throws his bag on the floor and tunnels through his room to lock himself in there. But as soon as he entered it, he was shocked to find his brother laying in his bed.
“What’re you doing here?” He asks, confused.
“Just want to know something,” Jisung says, slowly sitting up. He looks up his brother, standing in the door frame. Jeno couldn’t read his expression, but its pretty clear that he’s not happy.
“Did you sleep with y/n?”
Jeno didn’t know how to react, his eyes widened and for a while, he had nothing to say. But in the end, he knew this was bound to happen. If not you, it would be him spilling the information to his brother.
He didn’t need to say anything, and he knew the silence is more than enough for Jisung to conclude.
“She really likes you, you know? I just–” Jisung paused, “--I just don’t know why you’d sleep with her when you don’t like her back. You know she likes you, hyung. What, is this like an ego thing? She’s y/n, hyung. You know she’s different.” Jisung honestly just sounded confused and tired. He’s not angry, not upset, he comes off like he just wanted proper answers from his brother.
“Dude, just get out.” Jeno dismissed, which pissed off his younger brother more.
“Oh fuck you. You can’t even hold a conversation with your own brother? And if only it’s not y/n, I wouldn’t even waste my time. But it’s her. You know her,”
Jeno took a deep breath. “I like her too, Jisung. No, fuck, scratch that. I fucking love her.”
For a minute, it was silence. Jisung then took the initiative to talk,
“Talk to mom, hyung.”
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Jeno was sixteen, when he realized that he likes the way you smile at him.
He saw you run down the stairs and straight to the kitchen. You were at his brother’s room, for a sleepover with his brother and Chenle. He was lounging on the couch, and he didn’t bother to turn on the lights. He likes to lay in here at night, cuddling with his cat, Bongsik. He can’t let the cat into his room because of his allergies, so he just settled on the couch.
Because Bongsik was alerted of your presence, the cat follows you to the kitchen. Jeno, of course, followed in pursuit. He can still remember the cute expression you had when you discovered Bongsik on the table.
He smiles at you, struggling to get chips from the cabinet. Naturally, he grabbed it for you. You had asked if Bongsik was new, and he answered yes.
“Yep, a rescue. Mom brought it home the other day. Jisung freaked,” He chuckles as he looks at the cat, snuggling in his chest.
He can see you almost begging with your eyes, wanting to pet the cat. So he let you. Surprisingly, Bongsik, who’s usually grumpy, purrs as soon as your hands come in contact with it.
You were so careful, and Jeno almost wants to chuckle at your meek attempt at staring at him.
A slight smile on your face was something Jeno noticed, from a close distance. He surely did not expect you to be this soft and angelic, but he thought to himself, that your smile is something he’d like to get used to.
Jeno was eighteen when he made his first mistake.
He had invited his friends over at his house. He had made some really cool friends, and he even got this girl he’s been trying to get with to tag along. Jeno feels nervous, of course, he wants to impress them.
Besides Jaemin, Haechan and Renjun, he also invites some people from the basketball team he’s trying to get into, and some girls that are part of the circle. And of course, the girl he had liked, Eunmi.
His friends encouraged him to make a move tonight, and for some dumb reason, he thought it would be romantic to bring out wine. So he went to the kitchen to do so, but got surprised when a soft voice called his name.
It was you. Your shy demeanor, and your avoiding gaze startles him but he can’t help but smile. You’re so cute.
He clears that with whatever you were gonna tell him, make it quick because someone’s waiting for him. But as soon as you open your mouth to say the next words,
“I like you. Very much.”
He feels like his feet are frozen. His heart starts to race and if only he wasn’t leaning on the counter behind him, he would definitely stumble. His grip on the wine glass tightens. He doesn’t know what to do.
The next words just came out, and he instantly regrets it.
“...I-I’m just being nice.. I have to be nice. You’re my brother’s best friend.” In a split second before Eumi interrupts the conversation, he can clearly see the pain in your eyes. The initial shock of the fact that he’s rejecting you was prominent in your face and he just wanted to take every word back at that point.
But before he could even utter another word, Eunmi decided to take over. You then quickly walked out, but before you can turn around, he sees a teardrop, and by then, he’s sure he’s made a mistake. He can’t believe he just broke your innocent heart.
Eunmi is no longer in his mind, his friends no longer his priority, the entirety of the night, you plagued his mind. He wanted to run after you, and apologize. But what exactly is it for? It’s not like he was rude. He was calm, but still, you were visibly upset.
Jeno blames himself, until the night ends, he shoots his brother a message to ask you if you were okay. He needs to know.
Jeno was twenty when he breaks his own heart for the first time.
He can’t believe his eyes. He doesn’t know which emotion he should feel, the anger that slowly builds up upon seeing you entering the party with Jungwoo, or the adoration to seeing you looking that good in your mini dress.
You had walked in with the confidence he failed to notice before, with Jungwoo’s arm around your waist. He clenches his fist, but soon he gets caught in his own mind when his girlfriend of two weeks leans over to him.
The train of thought he had was still there, however, he was forced to pretend like everything’s fine. Although he can’t look at you in the eye, when he can certainly feel your gaze time to time.
What he can’t absolutely avoid tho, is his eyes on Jungwoo’s touches. Since when did you let a random man touch you like that?
More so, a man like Jungwoo? Much older than you, and he doesn’t remember Jungwoo and you ever be in the same vicinity as each other. Why are you so comfortable with him already?
Green doesn’t suit Jeno. So he tries to focus on the girl beside him. But mentally, he counts the shots that was given to you. Too many, and if the situation is different, he’d take those shots and shove it up Jungwoo’s ass.
But as soon as you stood up, his quick reaction was to follow you.
All he can think about is you getting out of here.
“Find Chenle. Now.” He groaned, despite his anger, he doesn’t like yelling at you.
What you did next was unexpectable.
You had tried to kiss him.
His reflex was to push you, and that, he did. His demeanor changes, and everything that falls from his lips after that was a blur to him.
One thing’s clear, the look in your eyes. You were so defeated, but Jeno didn’t let it affect him. He was blinded by anger, and the fact that you’re so drunk that you’d kiss just anyone. Not to mention a man that has a girl! What has gotten into you?
“Are you that desperate? I rejected you already, didn’t I? I will never look at you different than being my brother’s best friend, y/n! So stop this fucking delusion while I’m being nice.” Lies after lies after lies.
He was completely out of his mind when he said that to you.
And when you cried in front of him, he felt his own heart break. Every tear is equivalent to a stab right through his chest.
Right there and then, he wanted to beg for your forgiveness. Say that everything wasn’t true, that he doesn’t think you were desperate. Hell, he would kiss you back if you’d let him.
But all those hope was thrown away when you left. Because what’s left was this strange, terrifying feeling that somehow, this was the last straw for you.
And Jeno despises himself for causing you pain, over and over. He curses at his own self for being so coward.
“Hey Jen, how are you?” His mom’s voice was enthusiastic as ever. Even over the phone, he can hear the smile in her face.
He thinks he should be honest. “Not good,”
“Aw, is it your practice? Don’t worry darling, just a few more months and you’ll be graduating!” He smiles at his mother’s sweet voice of anticipation, he can just imagine the tiny claps she does.
“No, mom. I—“ He closes his eyes in frustration. “I have to talk to you about something,”
“What is it? Is it your brother? About y/n?” Her tone changes, now sounding concerned.
Jeno curses mentally, because of how quick his mom mentioned you.
“It’s about y/n,” he says lowly, testing the waters for a bit.
He hears a deep sigh, “I called her a week ago and she’s been real distant from me, Jen. Anything I should know?”
“Mom,” He almost whines. He just wants to spill it out.
“What? You’re worrying me. Is our y/n okay? God, she’s been out of control, hasn’t she?” The concern is now intensified, and Jeno thinks he should just spit it out. But his tongue can’t seem to say it.
“She.. she’s fine.”
“Good gracious, okay. I thought something had happened. Her mother must be frowning at me from heaven right now. Still remember your promise to your Auntie, right?”
Bingo. The very reason as to why he can’t just say it. Why he can’t just be with you already. It’s because of this god forsaken promise that he made.
“You need to be a big brother to her, treat her as your sister. She has nothing but us now, Jeno.”
He almost cries, he just wanted to yell. He felt as though he failed his mother, your mother and you. He shouldn’t be feeling this emotion towards you. This harbored feelings are forbidden. He can’t. He just… can’t.
He lets his eyes get warmer, gripping in his phone harshly. He takes a huge, deep breath.
“Mom, I love her. So much. I- I can’t… I can’t keep on hurting her and pretending that I only look at her as a sister.” He pleads, finally letting it known. There’s no turning back.
Silence was deafening on the other line. Every millisecond, he can feel his heartbeat race.
“Jeno, we’ve talked about this.”
“I love her, mom. I do, I really do.” He cries, for the first time in a long time.
“She’s your sis—“
“She’s not! God, she’s your best friend’s daughter, I know that but I’m not her older brother. I’m a person that truly loves her. I have loved her for so many years but I keep on h—“
“Jeno, hush, darling. I understand… but she’s our family. If all these feelings get old and you decide you don’t love her anymore, who will she turn to? Not us, darling because at the end of the day, we’re your family. I’m just… worried about her, she has… no one to turn to if this all blows up.” His mother’s response, despite the rise of emotion, was still calm and soft.
“I won’t, mom. Please, just let me love her. I can’t keep hurting her, mom, It kills me.” Jeno never begged this much. Just for you. His only exception.
His mother pauses, way too long, before finally breathing out again. “Okay, darling. I trust you. But please. I beg you, not to hurt her. We’re all that she’s got.”
Jeno whips his head up, baffled as to how easy she agreed to him. A little to no persuasion, and it didn’t even take ten minutes.
“What? J-just like that?” Jeno questions in disbelief. Years of yearning, years of hurting you, when Jeno could just do this early on?
His mom, regardless of the moment, managed to let out a breathy chuckle.
“Darling, you’ve proven yourself over the years. Me and your Dad had an inkling that you have a special admiration for Y/n ever since before. Its just unfortunate that her mother had to pass, and had asked us a favor— more to you, to look after Y/N like your own sibling. And when you agreed, I felt like it’s just how it goes. But years of seeing you pretend to not care about her, and seeing you struggle to cope with your feelings, I knew then that you were serious.”
“Me and your Dad realized that our eldest, really, has grown up to be a man. And seeing you still have the same passion and the same feelings towards her until now, says that you’d stop at nothing at this point. So what’s the use of preventing you?”
And with that, Jeno was free. Free of constraint, of guilt and control over his own will and feelings.
Like a baby, Jeno falls asleep with tears in his eyes. In complete satisfaction on how things went. Now, his only problem is getting to you, and begging for your forgiveness. Wishing by then, you’d still want him.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
Jeno didn’t waste his time. As soon as the morning comes, he’s fast on his feet. He wants to talk to you, he wants to clear everything up. He had tried to text and call, but he quickly realized you blocked his number.
He called his brother next, but Jisung also has not heard from you since yesterday.
It wasn’t until 5pm that he couldn’t find you, he started to worry. None of your friends know where you are, and you’re not in your apartment either.
He contacted every possible soul that could even have a hint on where you’re at, but none of them knows.
He feels like he’s running out of time, running out of momentum.
And just as soon as he was about to call for help, he received a message.
[5:32pm] unknown number
she’s at dreamscape hill. she likes going there to ease her mind. take care of her, please. -k
He didn’t care to ask who it was, he just prayed that whoever sent him this message was right.
And off to dreamscape hill, Jeno goes.
He can barely catch his breath when he arrived, heart pounding at his chest. It was past sundown when he found you sitting at the bench, on top of the hill.
It’s you. He’s sure it’s you. To the curves of your shoulder, to the waves of your hair. Call it creepy, but he spent years looking at your back, from afar, forbidden to even glance at you when you’re close. So yes, he’s a hundred percent sure that it’s you.
He’s a few feet behind you, when he noticed the earphones you had on. Probably why you didn’t hear the ruffling of the twigs and leaves as he walked closer.
And in divine timing, you look back at your shoulder, looking straight at Jeno’s eyes, as if it made sense why he’s here.
Slowly, you pull the earphones out.
“What’re you doing here?” You ask, almost a whisper. But the city in front of you gave him enough silence to hear every breath you take.
“Finding you,” he answers. He struggles to keep his words straight, the thumping in his chest causing him to stutter.
You blink thrice, seems like you’re still processing Jeno’s answer.
“Why?”
Jeno took a couple step, and finally he sat beside you. he looked forward at the cityscape. He took note of your body language, it seems to him that you’re starting to get nervous.
“To tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took this long for me to find you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry that I wasted years, and I’m so sorry I lied.” Jeno says every word with great diction, in perfect pace and clear voice. He wants you to understand every word that he says.
He hears you let out a huff, as if in disbelief. His heart went even more faster, scared on what you might say.
He’s never anticipated an answer like this before. He never had to grip at his own knees in nervousness before. He can’t even look at your expression.
“I think we’re past that, Jeno.”
This is what he’s afraid of. He might be too late, he might fuck this up. Nevertheless, he’ll never regret trying.
“I know that I’m years too late but you need to understand—“
“I don’t need to understand nothing. What I need is to just live my life, love my life. I have spent years yearning for you, let me love myself too. I think I’ve loved you since I met you, Jeno. I just mistook it for curiosity. Everyone else isn’t you, and turns out that’s a huge problem for me.” Jeno can hear you smile, and when he finally let himself take a look, he softens.
You’re smiling like you used to smile. You’re smiling like you again.
“That’s because we thought we could alter fate, and tell me I’m batshit crazy for believing but I can prove to you that we’re just… soulmates, y/n. Y-you’re meant for me as much as I am for you.” These are some words Jeno never thought he would use. The things you make him do.
You chuckle again, while shaking your head. Do you find it ridiculous? Do you think Jeno is joking? Are you finding all of these insufferable? God, Jeno wished he could read you.
“We are not soulmates, Jeno. This is not some divine intervention, and shit, this is not fate. I wanted this. I knit the threads of my destiny until it spelled your name. I love you intentionally, Jeno. It’s not the stars and the heavens that brought us together. I did.”
Jeno was speechless. He could not utter a single word, he felt like he had no right to dictate you about what you feel. He’s ashamed, because what you said was right. You made him feel this, because of your desire for him, you made him fall. And damn it, he fell hard.
“It’s like you filled my lungs with flowers, although they are pretty, it made it hard for me to breathe. That's how much I wanted you.”
“Y/n, I will apologize to you forever if you wanted me to. Just… just please, let me have my chance.” Jeno begged like he never did before. He let his emotions out, and all for you. Because you deserve it. You deserve the real him.
Slowly, he felt your hand on his clenched fist, instantly letting it loose. He took the opportunity to lace your fingers together. It felt right, like your hand always belonged intertwined with his.
“If I took this chance with you, that would be the knife that would slit my own fucking throat, Jeno. And you know what’s funny? I’d probably apologize for bleeding in your shirt.”
“So let me have this time for myself, Jeno. And just like the old saying, time will tell. And if we find each other without even looking, then that’s when I’ll believe in that fate you were talking about.”
As your grip in his hand loosens, he felt like this was the first and last time he’ll get to hold your hand. He wanted to be selfish and not let you go, but he knows he’d be cruel to do that.
So he didn’t move. “I’ll see you around,” you say.
“I’ll find you,” he whispered, to you, to himself, and to whoever who’s listening. Let it be the heavens, or the devil in hell. He whispered to anybody, because he knows he’ll do it, and he wants everyone to stand witness to this promise.
“Sure you will,”
And in every step you made, as your body slowly walks away, you took his heart with you. Its yours, anyway. He’ll just have to find you to have it back.
୧ ‧₊˚ ☆
“Lee Jeno! Lee Jeno! Lee Jeno!”
The screams from the bleachers never seemed to falter, only getting louder each time.
The band is on full blast, people running around down the court as soon as the last whistle of the game went off.
Jeno had won the much awaited game against the SKU, with a whopping 73 points under his belt, making it the first time in his school’s history to earn that many points, by a single player, in one game.
This just solidified his reputation, being named the greatest player that had ever stepped foot on this campus.
And to make this game, even more legendary than it already is, it’s the last game of the season before Jeno graduates. So he’s literally going out with a bang with this one.
His teammates celebrated the win, begging Jeno to go the the victory party. For the first time, Jeno refused to attend a victory party. Much more, a victory he made happen.
He walked past the girls that’s lining up to take a picture with him, immediately walking straight back to the lockers.
He shoots a text at Renjun, informing his friend that he’ll head home, instead of attending the party.
He was about to turn to his locker, when his name was called by a familiar voice.
Jeno looked back, and to his disappointment, it’s Jennie.
“Why haven’t you answered my calls? It’s been months, Jeno! You can’t just..” Jennie couldn’t even finish her sentence, stomping her feet like a toddler.
Yes. It has been months since he blocked every girl that he had ever slept with.
Three months, thirteen days, and twenty-one hours, to be exact.
“My team’s gonna be here soon. You don’t want me to embarrass you in front of them, trust me.” Jeno’s threat was casual, but he’s serious enough for Jennie to take the hint.
“B-but, Jen, it's me.” Jennie’s voice turns softer, making Jeno cringe at the tone. She then tried to touch his shoulder, but Jeno was quick to dodge.
“Exactly. You’re you, Jennie. And I don’t like you.”
The girl was aghast, to say the least. Her mouth wide open in disbelief. Taking Jeno’s advice, albeit with offense, she stomps her way out of the lockers.
Just as he said, his teammates started flocking in, with his coach holding the trophy. He lost count on how many pats in the back he received after the game. The repetitive congratulatory messages are starting to grow old.
“Are you really not coming? You’re literally the man of the year, dude. Everybody’s gonna be looking for you!” Sungchan, one of his teammates says.
“Nope,” Jeno says with a pop.
“Come on, this’ll probably the last victory party you’ll ever have!” Yangyang joins in, but Jeno just shrugged his shoulders.
“Sorry, dude. I got a thesis paper due in two days.”
A plethora of complains, grunts and ‘what?!’s came pouring in after his statement, but Jeno stood his ground.
Jeno was serious. He needs to study for his thesis paper, and pass it on time. His professor expects him to match his academics to his basketball career, and he doesn’t want to disappoint.
Before the commotion gets even more wild, and before Jeno gets kidnapped into attending the party, he swiftly bids farewell to his coach, the only person that mattered to him. His coach just shook his head and gave him a nod, before letting him go.
“You did well, kid.”
Jeno heads through the parking lot. He had been stopped by students every ten seconds therefore his usual 4 minute walk to his car ended up being 30 minutes.
He starts up the engine, but before taking off, he checks some of his messages.
[8:43pm] dong(yuck!): congratulations, lebron ‘lee jeno’ james! the game was so cool dude u look good throwing balls lol btw im staying at my girls hauz. also ur welcome. also enjoy. lolz
[8:54pm] jaemjaem: dude that game!!! ur on FIRE my guy!! pls pls apply for nba so i can watch courtside with kanye west :D im out rn and i wont be home til tmrw. ur welcome ;)
[8:59] jisung: great game couldve been better tho… anyways… wrap it b4 u tap it!!!
[9:02pm] injunnie <3: game was lit. didnt understand shit abt the game but u did good. im spending the night @ my moms so u better make it worth it, lee jeno.
Jeno’s breath hitches, and before he could even question the hints his roommates are giving him, another ping notifies his phone.
[9:04pm] unknown number: hi. im at urs. can we talk?
Jeno knows not to speed, but tonight, he swears his tires didn’t even touch the concrete. He is flying off the highway.
With sweaty palms, he enters the security code to his door. Hands shaking, he opens it up and with the sight of a woman’s shoes on his doorstep, he takes a deep breath.
“I hope you don’t mind, it was Jaemin’s idea to let me in without telling you. Uh, so if you’re not—“
“Y/n,” he gulps as he takes in your figure, standing in the middle of his kitchen.
“Yeah.. it’s me.” You smile tightly, shrugging your shoulders.
Even though Jeno was ready to leap and drown you in his embrace, he stood his ground. He’s still not sure why you’re here, and until you say so, he’s not moving. The last thing he wants to do is push your boundaries.
“What’re— what are you—” He feels stupid. Stuttering like a five year old in front of you.
“Figured we could talk. Jisung and Chenle got sick of me moping around so they made me—“
“I hope you’re not being forced to talk to me. I told you, I’ll wait. No matter how long,” The sincerity laced in his voice was prominent.
“I promise you, I went here in my own will. Two idiots just talked some sense into me, and Jisung told me about the promise you made my mom years ago.”
Then there was silence. But this time, it wasn’t deafening. It was peaceful. Its as if you two are finding serenity in each others presence and just the way you stare at each other already says the words your mouth couldn’t speak.
But Jeno cut it short. “Does this mean..”
“I want to try, Jeno. I want to experience this with you. Slowly, at our own pace. I want to go on dates. Carnivals. Watch netflix. Everything, with you.” There's a tinge of shyness in your voice, and Jeno just wants you to scream it out. You don’t need to shy away from him.
“Everything, with me. At your own pace. I’ll accept everything you can offer,” He assured your worried mind.
You nod gently. “I want to feel loved without feeling like I’m begging for it,”
Jeno shakes his head vigorously, “No, baby, you’ll never beg to be loved, ever again. I swear in my grave.” He takes one step closer.
“I’ll trust you and risk getting my heart broken again, but I really hope you won’t.”
One more step closer “I will never. Baby, you’re it for me. I didn’t know it before, but I should’ve known it was you, because no one else made sense.”
You nod again, biting your lip. “When I visited my mom, I told her about you,”
“Yeah?” Jeno asks, in a sweet tone, taking another step closer.
You smiled at him. “I bet she would trust you too,”
“I will not break her trust. Not again,”
He watches carefully as you raise your hand to cup his cheeks, his reaction was to lean into your touch. He takes your initiative as a signal, but still takes his movement slowly.
You gulp, looking up at him. “Can you love me now?”
“Oh, baby. I have loved you since forever. It just took me time to realize it.”
And then, as you tiptoe to match his height, he feels your lips on him and he swears that you taste like heaven.
Jeno didn’t remember how long you talked that night, but somewhere in the midst of your laughter and smiles, he decided that he would destroy the world for you.
Because you might not know it, but in every universe, in every lifetime, and in every story, Jeno has always been completely, madly, and inevitably yours.
A/N: From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for making you guys wait this long. I promise, it just happened to be my worst year ever :'(( but at least she's here! I just wish this could at least be worth it. Tune in for the next part (I promise, it would NOT take this long lmao)
synopsis — you drown, your heart stops in the water and you’re pulled out barely alive, left in a lifeless coma. your daughter and boyfriend grieve you, struggling to move forward as shadows from the past linger. a new child enters your life, broken and afraid, needing a mother’s love but still trapped in old pain and fear. as you slowly wake, you and jaemin have to navigate the mess, trying to heal, rebuild your family, and figure out how to parent again while everything around you threatens to fall apart.
chapter warnings — explicit language, explicit sexual content(18+), explicit themes, greys anatomy (and early 2000s medical shows) inspired, early 2000s vibe, power play, dom jaemin/sub mc dynamics, rough sex, intimate sex, explicit language, this chapter contains extremely traumatic material, including graphic medical emergencies, multiple deaths, infant and child pain, intense hospital scenes, and persistent crying. there are explicit mentions of child abuse, trauma, and references to hearts stopping and near-death experiences. haeun suffers greatly in this section—please read with care. the family also expands as haeun meets more of her extended relatives, including grandparents, but the overall tone remains very heavy and emotional throughout. proceed with caution: this chapter is one of the most difficult and painful in the story, i can’t say much else as from hereafter everything will become too big of a spoiler. this chapter includes graphic sexual content, including cock riding, cock bouncing, oral sex, explicit language, and detailed descriptions of physical intimacy. please be advised this section is intended for mature audiences only. proceed if you are comfortable with explicit, adult material.
authors note — this is not the final part. i’ve decided to make some big changes to the structure of this story—originally, heart to heart was going to be a three-part series (i know, wild). then it grew, and now instead of an epilogue, there will be two more full parts added. that means heart to heart will have seven parts in total, with chapter seven acting as the epilogue. i made this decision because the story needed more space for the characters, plot, and all the emotional fallout to really breathe. honestly, i can’t believe i thought i could fit all this into one chapter—parts five, six, and seven are all deeply interconnected, and every event ties together across these last arcs. these chapters are meant to be experienced together, and while i’ll still upload them separately (so each part gets its moment to shine), they’re crucial to read as one whole (which you can’t do yet, but soon!). slso since the plot i originally wanted to squeeze into one part will now unfold over three, just know that the emotional highs and lows will be stretched out so if you feel any happiness in this chapter, don’t get too comfortable. 💀 i’m telling you right now this is gonna be the least angsty chapter but i’m not here to give false hope or easy comfort, so brace yourselves: nothing is safe and no feeling is permanent!
listen to 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 whilst reading <3
𝐅𝐈𝐂 𝐌𝐋
Haeun won’t uncurl from Jaemin’s chest. She trembles in quick, hiccupping bursts, small fingers fisted in the collar of his T-shirt, eyes fixed on the front door as though it might cough you back into the room if she just stares hard enough. He paces the living-room rug in slow circuits, murmuring old lullabies under his breath, but her shivering only deepens. At 5:47 p.m. he glances at the clock for the fourth time in ten minutes and a thin blade of dread slides beneath his ribs. You left hours ago—angry, yes, but never silent this long. Your phone tumbles to voicemail before the first ring finishes. The sun is climbing now, light spilling honey-gold through the blinds, yet the house feels colder, emptier, shrinking around Haeun’s quaking breaths. “Dada, where’s Mama? She said she’d tuck me in again.” Her voice wobbles, high and paper-thin. The exhaustion should have pulled her under by now, but something in her resists, wide-eyed and alert, refusing the comfort of sleep. It’s the first sign, an animal knowing before the storm breaks, a warning too subtle for him to decipher. Jaemin doesn’t yet understand what this sleeplessness means, but the house knows, the air knows, the night crawling closer with every hour she stays awake, waiting for a mother who isn’t coming back.
He rubs slow circles between her shoulder blades, forcing calm he doesn’t feel. “She needed a little air, Sunshine. She’ll be back.”
“No.” A sob punches the word. She pulls back just enough to look at him, lashes clumped with tears. “Mama always comes quick. It’s getting dark now.”
“I know.” He tries a half-smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Maybe the car was sleepy like us. We’ll call her again.”
She sniffles, shaking her head hard. “Phone makes the beep sound but no Mama voice.” She presses Bunny’s damp ear to his lips. “Kiss Bunny so he’s brave, then call Mama again.”
He obeys, kissing the sodden plush, then taps his screen on speaker so she can hear the endless ring. It flips to voicemail. Haeun’s face crumbles. “Dada, did Mama leave ’cause I’m bad?”
His gut twists. “You could never make Mama leave, bubba. She loves you bigger than the sky.” He kisses her temple, but worry leaks through his voice, and she feels it.
She gulps another sob. “Then why’s my heart shaky?”
“Mine’s shaky too,” he admits, voice thinner than he intends. “Let’s steady them together.” He loosens his arms, shoots a look at the door that makes her glance too. “How about a sleepover at Uncle Jeno’s?”
She frowns, tears tracking anew. “No, wanna stay home for Mama.”
“Mama will find us faster if I go out and look for her, but that means you need to be a good girl and listen to Dada, okay? Will you stay at Uncle Jeno’s tonight? You can play with Junie and Serin, just like last time.” He stands, her bunny pressed tight between them. “I promise I’ll bring you home before breakfast. We’ll have pancakes together, just like always.”
“Pinkie promise?” She extends a shaky thumb instead of a finger, her new habit. He locks his thumb with hers.
He kisses her trembling lips, thumbs linked, and murmurs, “Of course, baby girl.”
He straps Bunny against her chest with a blanket knot, buckles her into the booster. In the car seat she sniffles, cheeks blotched sunset pink. “Dada, if Mama comes and I’m not here, she’ll cry. I wanna run to her and say, ‘Mama, no tears! Haeunie wuvs you big-big! I got magic kisses to make you strong!’”
Jaemin’s hands shake as he tucks her bag beside the booster, knuckles white around the zipper. He crouches, breath trembling, eyes burning as he smooths her hair and kisses her forehead. “Hey, bubba, you’re right, she’d love that. I know she will.” His voice catches, thin and splintering in his throat. “But right now, Mama needs me to go find her, so you’re gonna help me by being brave for her, okay? You’re her sunshine, Haeunie. I promise I’ll tell her every magic word you said.” He squeezes her small hand, lets go like it hurts. “Dada will bring Mama home. I swear.”
Jaemin drives to Jeno’s apartment on the far side of town. Jeno answers shirtless, takes one look at the child’s blotchy cheeks and Jaemin’s ravaged expression, and ushers them in without a word. Haeun resists his arms at first, but exhaustion wins; she slumps against Jeno’s shoulder, whispering that Mama promised pancakes by sunrise. Jaemin kisses her curls, leaves an inhaler, her bag and two doses of morning meds on the counter, and tells Jeno he’ll be back before dinner. Worry is a physical thing now, tightening his chest each time he swallows.
At Jeno’s doorway Haeun turns into a koala, arms and legs braided around Jaemin’s torso, face pressed beneath his chin. Her voice is no more than a breath against his collar. “Promise you’ll bring Mama back, Dada. Pinkie—no—thumb promise.”
“I will.” His reply is a hush of air, heart thudding so hard she can feel the echo in his ribs. He loosens one small arm at a time and eases her toward Jeno, who crouches low so she doesn’t have to let go all at once.
She hesitates, fingers still clutching the fabric of Jaemin’s shirt. “Mama likes the loud beach,” she whispers, tears catching in her lashes. “She told me we’d show Dada the giant water and dance in the splash. Maybe she’s there now.” The thought seems to wobble between hope and dread.
The words jolt him. He kisses her curls. “That’s a smart idea, Sunshine.”
Jeno shifts her gently to his hip, thumb sweeping the salt from her cheeks. “We’ll make a Pancake Plan while Dada looks,” he tells her, voice soft but steady. “You can pick the shapes, stars or bunnies or maybe little waves so Mama feels welcome when she walks through the door.”
Haeun’s grip loosens by degrees. She burrows her face into Jeno’s shoulder, drawing a shaky breath that smells faintly of cinnamon from his scrub top. “Can we keep the porch light on?” she asks, muffled.
“The brightest one,” Jeno promises. He gathers her bunny into the crook of her elbow, wraps the rocket blanket around them both. “And I’ll sit right by the window so the moment their car turns the corner, we’ll see.” Her nod is small, but the tremor in her body eases. Jaemin meets Jeno’s gaze over her head, gratitude, fear, apology all braided together, then turns for the stairs, keys clinking in his fist, the taste of sea-salt memory already sharpening on his tongue.
Jaemin angles the car into the beach lot first, tires crunching against blond gravel still cool from the night. Early joggers ribbon across the shoreline, neon wind-breakers flashing, leashes snapping in the wind. He paces the boardwalk with long strides, scanning every cluster of footprints: a couple sharing earbuds, teenagers wading ankle-deep, an old man metal-detecting at the tideline. No trace of your gray dress, no glimpse of that impatient knot you make in your hair. With every empty sweep of sand his pulse hammers louder. He circles the lifeguard tower twice, knees nearly buckling when a woman in a similar coat lifts her face, wrong smile, wrong eyes. The lifeguard radios crackle; gulls shriek overhead. After twenty frantic minutes he concedes that the beach, alive and ordinary, has swallowed any sign of you.
He speeds to the spare apartment next, keys jangling against the doorframe as he shoulders it open. Dust motes drift in an unbroken shaft of light. Your emergency cardigan sags from a hook, untouched. Mail fans across the hallway tiles, electric bill, pharmacy flyer, a parenting magazine that makes his stomach cramp. He calls your name, voice echoing through bare rooms, listens only to the hum of an unplugged refrigerator. Panic sharpens, metallic on his tongue; you should be here, angry-packing or rage-cleaning or something that leaves a noise trail. Instead, silence plants its flag in every corner.
The hospital is a blur of fluorescent corridors and curious stares. He sprints past triage, skids to the staff station. Two interns blink at him, startled, then shake their heads: no, Doctor Y/N never signed in, no one’s seen her since yesterday. He checks the on-call lounge, empty cot, rumpled blanket, the scent of peppermint hand lotion already fading. The vending machines hum; the clock ticks past 6:40. Fear climbs his spine like frost. Back in the car he tells himself to think, to triangulate, but his knuckles blanch around the wheel. He tells himself he has checked—really checked—everywhere you might stand. He forces himself back into the car but each vacant room and every blank hallway turns the knot in his stomach tighter until it feels like a stone dropping into deeper water. Logic insists he keep moving, cross-reference addresses, call every friend but dread keeps bending the route west again, magnetic as a compass that knows only one north: the shore you love.
Minutes later, he’s back on the coastal road, headlights off now in the washed-out light of morning. He parks farther down from the main lot, near a weather-beaten overlook, a place he remembers you describing with a laugh: There’s a cliff nobody uses because you have to climb a dozen crooked stairs, but the wind is fierce and perfect there. Fierce and perfect, that’s how this pull feels, a force in his chest that won’t let him abandon the sand no matter how reasonable the detour. The dashboard clock scolds him, time bleeding away but the empty passenger seat might as well be screaming. He slips the key from the ignition, palms slick with sweat despite the chill, and the sense of pity for himself, widower in waiting, father holding borrowed courage, hits so hard he nearly doubles over. He presses a fist to his sternum, wills his pulse to slow, and steps out into wind that tastes of salt and storm warning.
Down the narrow stairway, the beach opens in an unsteady heartbeat. It is busier now, surfers bobbing beyond the break, children scaling damp sand mounds, a vendor rolling a cart of coffee that smells burnt and sweet. It would be easy to convince himself that a woman in a gray dress could vanish in this bustle, swallowed by chatter and spray, but the hollow in his gut says otherwise. He starts south, scanning faces, scanning hands; twice he stops, convinced a scrap of fabric or a curve of hair belongs to you, only to find strangers who apologise, puzzled. Each disappointment ratchets his fear, drags him deeper into what-ifs. What if you never came back to the house because you never meant to? What if the ocean holds grief better than people do?
He reaches the cluster of black rocks that mark the end of the public section. The air here shifts, colder, sharper, carrying a sound he almost mistakes for gulls. But gulls cry with hungry impatience; this noise trembles, rises, cracks on a sob. Jaemin rounds the boulders, sand sucking at his shoes, and the sight stops him: a boy in a soaked, oversized shirt, knees buried in the wash, shoulders shaking so hard they look detachable. The child’s face is blotched and swollen, as if he has been crying long enough to exhaust daylight. No adult shadows nearby, no blanket or cooler or bag, just the boy, the surf, and a phone half-submerged where foamy water tugs at its cracked screen.
Jaemin slips out from behind the rocks, instinct already pocketing his own panic. Chief of Pediatrics or not, he’s always found the quickest path to a child is lower, softer, slower. He crouches until the cold water seeps through his jeans, hands resting palms-up on his knees so the boy can see every empty fingertip. “Hey, little man. The water’s fierce this morning. Mind if I sit with you a minute?” His voice carries the practiced calm of night rounds, gentle glide, no sudden ripples. The boy flinches but doesn’t bolt; huge seawater eyes track Jaemin’s every breath. Jaemin angles himself sideways, making space between child and surf. “Looks like you were watching something out there.” He nods toward the white-capped chop. “Can you tell me?”
The boy presses trembling fists into his eye sockets, shoulders jerking. A thin whimper slips free, almost apology more than answer. “Bunny… Daddy threw him.”
“Your stuffed bunny?” Jaemin keeps his tone even, lets the wind carry away his own quick swallow. “That’s rough. What’s Bunny’s name?”
The child’s lips quiver pale blue. “Just… Bunny.” He gestures with a soggy sleeve toward the waves, as if that single word should explain everything. Jaemin follows the motion, catches a glimpse of phantom ears rising, sinking between swells. He sidesteps to block the boy from going after it.
“You came here with your dad?” Jaemin asks, coaxing the story out one puzzle piece at a time.
The boy gives a shaky nod, staring past Jaemin, eyes unfocused. “He said… he said I’m too loud. Threw Bunny in so I’d hush.” His voice cracks like thin ice. “Told me stay till I learn.”
A gust lifts Jaemin’s hair; he draws his coat from his shoulders and drapes it over the boy’s back, careful not to jar the fragile shell of composure forming. “You must be freezing,” he murmurs, rubbing gentle circles between knobby shoulder blades. The boy’s breath hitches but steadies under the warmth.
Jaemin glances at the half-buried phone glittering with seawater. “Is your Mom here too?”
The boy shakes his head, chin tucked hard. “No Mama.” He scuffs a toe into wet sand, voice smaller. “Nobody.”
Jaemin’s pulse ticks louder, but his face stays in that calm orbit children recognize. “You’re not nobody,” he says, letting each word settle. “And you’re not alone anymore. I’ve got you.” He waits until the boy’s eyes finally meet his, then offers a gentle hand.
Slowly, hesitantly, the child places his salt-sticky fingers in Jaemin’s open palm, one fragile knot of trust on a shoreline that’s taken too much. Jaemin closes his coat tighter around the small frame, feeling the tremors ease by fractions. He keeps his gaze on the horizon, where foam devours the last glimpse of white plush, but for now he doesn’t raise the alarm in his own chest. There will be time to reckon with whatever truth the waves are hiding; first he has to anchor this boy to something solid enough to keep the tide from stealing him, too.
Jaemin keeps the child wrapped in his coat, guiding him a few cautious steps up the beach until the foam no longer licks their shoes. Sand grates in the boy’s soaked socks, but he doesn’t complain; he clings to Jaemin’s hand with an intensity that feels less like trust than sheer survival. When the shivers ease, Jaemin lowers himself cross-legged beside him, choosing words the way he would choose instruments in an emergency—careful, deliberate, essential. “Can you tell me what happened after your dad threw Bunny?” he asks, voice pitched to the hush between waves. “Did anyone else come to help?”
The boy’s eyes dart to the horizon. “A lady,” he whispers, shoulders curling inward. “She heard me cryin’. She said ‘Wait here, brave boy, I get Bunny.’” He swallows, the motion hitching in his throat. “She walked in the water. It was dark. I—I saw her hold Bunny, but… but then the waves got big.” He makes a spiraling motion with his free hand, as if drawing whirlpools in the air. “She didn’t come back. Bunny didn’t either.”
Something cold and sharp nicks Jaemin’s stomach, but he keeps his tone steady. “Did you know her name?”
The boy shakes his head hard enough that wet hair slaps his temples. Tears well again, fat and shaken loose. “Everybody leaves me,” he says, voice thready. “Mama left when I was baby. Dada says it’s ’cause I’m loud and selfish. Now the nice lady’s gone too. It’s my fault. If I was good, nobody would be dead.” He squeezes his eyes shut, a fresh sob cracking his chest. “I’m naughty. I’m so naughty.”
Jaemin feels his own heartbeat stutter, an echo of that word dead pulsing behind his ribs. He forces air into his lungs, squeezes the small hand enveloped in his. “You are not naughty,” he says, each syllable stern enough to anchor. “You were scared and you needed help, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He rubs circles between the boy’s shoulder blades, grounding him the way he’s steadied countless postoperative children. “Sometimes grown-ups make terrible choices, but that isn’t because of you.”
The boy trembles, eyes drifting back to the water as if still expecting shapes to break the surface. “She said I was brave,” he murmurs. “But she’s the brave one. She went in when it was cold. She wanted me to be happy.” His lower lip wobbles. “Now the ocean took her. Took Bunny too.”
Jaemin swallows, salt sting in his throat that has nothing to do with spray. The tide courses in and out, indifferent, and somewhere under that indifferent churn a possibility snaps open, too familiar, too sharp. He stows it for now, and keeps the focus on the child. “We’re going to get you warm, okay? Then we’ll call some friends of mine who know how to look for people in the water. They’ll try to find the nice lady. They’ll try to find Bunny.”
The boy’s gaze flicks to Jaemin’s, a fragile thread of hope glinting through the tears. “You promise?”
Jaemin nods once, crisp and sure, even as something inside him—some buried recognition of a gray dress and a certain stubborn kindness—beats like a warning drum. “I promise,” he says, lifting the child gently into his arms. The boy’s head falls against his shoulder, and Jaemin feels the thrum of a tiny heartbeat against his own. For a moment he lets that pulse steady him before turning toward the parking lot, the wind, and the tidal grief he can no longer keep at bay.
Something shifts behind Jaemin’s eyes, an almost audible snap, as the boy settles with an urgency that’s shattering. The roar of the surf seems to drop away, replaced by a hollow, rushing emptiness. A grey dress, a promise of wild waves, a phone half-buried in wet sand: the pieces lock together with merciless clarity. His breath catches; a chill ripples from nape to spine, leaving his hands trembling around the small frame he holds. He stares at the water and sees—really sees—the violence in each whitecap, the way the tide drags and gnaws as if guarding a secret. Air leaves him in a ragged rasp.
The boy feels the tremor and recoils, tears springing fresh. “Now you’re mad at me too.” The accusation is tiny, broken.
Jaemin’s heart jolts; he softens his grip at once, lowering to one knee so their faces meet. “I’m not angry,” he says, voice steadier than his pulse. “I’m scared for the lady, that’s all. You did nothing wrong.” He draws a breath that tastes of rust and brine. “Listen— I need to try and find her. You stay right here, by the rocks, away from the water, and call for help if we don’t come back. Can you do that for me?”
The boy’s gaze flickers, uncertain. Jaemin reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a tiny plush charm, Haeun’s spare Bunny, the one she clipped to his key ring “so Dada never forgets home.” He presses the soft bundle into the child’s palm. “This belongs to my daughter. She’s small but strong, just like you. Keep it with you, okay? Stay strong for both of them.”
The boy nods, clutching the charm to his chest. “Good boy,” Jaemin whispers, brushing damp hair off the child’s forehead before standing.
He peels off his jacket and T-shirt in one swift motion, muscles quivering with adrenaline. A final glance to be sure the boy has backed against the rock wall, then Jaemin strides into the shallows, water slicing cold up his calves, thighs, waist. A quick intake of breath, one silent prayer, “hold on, I’m coming,” and he dives. The sea swallows him in a surge of foam, and the boy is left on the sand clutching a frayed white bunny charm, eyes fixed on the place where waves close over Jaemin’s disappearing silhouette.
The first plunge steals his breath, salt raking the back of his throat as the cold clamps around his ribs. Jaemin knifes through the breakers, arms driving in wide, desperate arcs. The ocean is a black engine, gears grinding against him, every stroke a negotiation with panic. He counts heartbeats to keep rhythm, one, two, three, then gulps air between crests, tasting grief in each inhalation. Memory strobe-lights beneath closed lids: Haeun’s hopeful thumb-promise, the boy’s shattered whisper, She’s the brave one, your face pinned between anger and exhaustion when you walked out the door. He kicks harder, splitting through froth, lungs already needling for oxygen.
A rogue swell blindsides him, spinning his body sideways. Water jams up his nose, fire in his sinuses. He surfaces coughing, chest heaving, then forces himself onward. Wind whips the tops off waves so they slap his eyes, salt-stung tears indistinguishable from seawater. He dives again, this time gliding under a rolling peak where murkier green light flickers. Visibility shrinks to arm’s length, but he swears he sees the blur of grey fabric ghosting the periphery. When he breaks the surface, the shoreline looks insultingly distant, dune grass reduced to an eyelash curve, and the boy on the rocks is only a small, trembling silhouette.
He treads water, scanning. Farther out he spots a flash of silver: your camera, screen spider-cracked, tumbling in the sway. Its lit edge blinks once in the weak morning sun before disappearing. The sight ratchets his fear into fury, fueling another dive. Beneath, everything is suspension, green darkness, threads of sunlit silt, the roar of his own blood. He swims blind, sweeping arms wide, fingertips grazing nothing but water thick as oil. When he surfaces again, he curses aloud, the wind tearing sound from his lips. The fourth dive claws at his reserves. His lungs feel barbed, the cold sinking past skin into marrow. In this wash of numbness he catches something small brushing his knuckles: a ring, glinting dully, spinning like a lost planet in the swell. Your promise ring. Panic fractures into a sharper dread, a certainty sharpening to a point. He curls trembling fingers around the band, tucks it into his clenched fist, then pushes downward once more, propelled now by terror and terrible resolve.
Underneath, time dislocates. Seconds elongate in the dim haze. His strokes grow erratic, legs cramping, but a pale shape blooms to his left, cloth rippling like slow-motion smoke. He veers, heart battering ribs, and the shape resolves: your gray dress billowing, hair splayed in dark ribbons, arms adrift as though in dreaming surrender. Your body hovers in the current, head tilted back, face turned away. He closes the distance in a frenzy, hooking an arm beneath yours, fingers slipping on chilled skin. Breaking the surface with you draped across his chest taxes the last scrap of strength he owns. He gasps, throat raw, and hauls you into a crude back float, kicking for shore while icy water slaps your slack limbs. Your head lolls against his shoulder; your lips are blue glass, eyelids translucid where veins ladder purple beneath. Every hundred strokes he sinks, gulping seawater, then lurches up again, sputtering your name into half-air, half-brine. The boy onshore morphs from blotch to figure, arms windmilling in frantic welcome.
Foam crashes around his knees as Jaemin staggers into the shallows, dragging you over the wrack line. He collapses beside you on wet sand, chest heaving. The boy scuttles closer but stops at a respectful distance, Bunny charm clutched white-knuckled. Jaemin rolls you onto your back; your head lolls heavy, water streaming from tangled hair. “No, no, no,” he rasps, brushing salt from your lashes. He tilts your chin, pinches your nose, seals his mouth over yours, forces two breaths laden with desperation. He counts—one, two, three—presses the heel of his hand between your ribs, compressions rocking your torso. Tears track down his cheeks unchecked. “Come back, please, just breathe for me,” he bargains, voice cracking like brittle driftwood. Another breath, more compressions. Your chest rises under his palms, but no answering cough, no flutter of lids. The horizon reels, he tastes blood and salt, yet he drives rhythm into your sternum, sobs punctuating each push. Around them, dawn brightens ignorantly, painting the surf honey-gold while Jaemin pours every remaining heartbeat he owns into the body that once anchored his world.
Sand clogs between Jaemin’s fingers, grit cutting his palms as he drives another sequence of compressions into your sternum, thirty down-strokes that jar your shoulders, then two breaths that steal what little air he has left. His voice shreds into the wind, looping the same plea: “Breathe, baby, breathe.” Tears blur his sight; every time he lifts his head, your face swims, lips cobalt, lashes clumped like frost. He can’t tell if the pink foam at the corner of your mouth is water or blood, only that it’s wrong, wrong, wrong. His arms shake, but he forces them straight, locking elbows the way he taught interns a thousand times. Five to six centimetres, full recoil. The mantra keeps panic from detonating.
A jogger skids to a halt, phone already out. “I’m calling the ambulance!” Jaemin jerks his chin toward the rocks where the boy stands trembling, Bunny charm clutched to his throat. “Tell them there’s two victims, adult drowning, child abandonment. We need an ambulance and social services. Now!” The jogger stammers agreement, voice carried off by wind. A couple in windbreakers join, wide-eyed; Jaemin snaps for them to pull the space blanket from the first-aid post, to flag down paramedics at the lot. They scatter like startled gulls, purpose shock-bright in their faces.
He returns to the rhythm, compress, compress, compress. His shoulders burn, breathing the taste of iron. Somewhere behind him the boy keens, a thin animal sound that knives straight through the rush of surf. Jaemin breaks count long enough to twist back, throat raw. “It’s all okay, you’re never going to be left alone. Stay there, help’s coming!” The boy’s sobs hiccup, but he nods, tears streaking salt-white channels down his cheeks. A woman in a lifeguard hoodie kneels and gathers him up; the child thrashes once, then collapses against her, clutching the Bunny charm like a relic. His cries taper into hiccups, then into the limp quiet of exhaustion.
Sirens finally slice the air, Doppler-bent by wind. Jaemin keeps compressing, sweat chilling on his spine. Sand turns to slurry under your shoulder blades; with every push, water seeps from your lips. He tilts your head, sweeps your mouth clear, forces more air in. Your chest rises, falls, but no pulse kicks against the side of your neck. “Come on, my love, you’re stubborn, prove it.” His voice cracks into a sob; he slams another set of compressions, refusing to look at your face now because it feels like goodbye.
Booted feet hammer across the sand and paramedic kits drop with solid thumps, but the world narrows for Jaemin to the length of your body and the rhythm under his palms. Someone leans in, “we’ve got it, doctor,” yet he stays anchored, refusing to surrender his place. Without looking up he issues instructions, voice low but immovable, “bag-valve mask, warmed IV line, cold submersion, unknown downtime.” When hands slide over yours to take the compressions, he slips to your head, sealing the mask over your mouth, counting every squeeze as though each puff of oxygen is another promise he won’t break. Silver-foil sheeting rustles while a medic wraps your legs, and chilled spray lashes his cheeks, but Jaemin hears only the hiss of oxygen and the soft click of the metronome guiding CPR.
Beyond that tight circle, a jogger waves first-responders toward the shivering boy; a social-services worker gathers the child, rocking him against a pea-green parka while he sobs himself toward sleep. Jaemin scarcely registers the scene. His gaze never leaves your face, the lips greyed by brine, the lashes pasted by salt, the pulse point in your neck that still refuses to flutter. Tears slide unchecked down his jaw and drip into your hair as he bends to whisper against your temple, “Stay with me baby. Haeun needs you, and I’m not letting you go.” He repeats the plea between ventilations, pushing breath, pushing hope, pushing life back into you with each measured cycle.
Even when the team prepares to intubate he remains at your shoulder, guiding the tube, refusing to break contact. Only when the monitor stutters to its first weak blip does he ease his grip, and even then his hand hovers protectively, ready to resume compressions if that single line dares flatten again. The stretcher arrives; sand grinds under its wheels. Jaemin rises with it, one hand still woven through your damp hair, walking beside the medics toward the waiting ambulance, guarding you with every stride as though the sea itself might reach inland to claim you back.
Inside the ambulance Jaemin kneels on the bench seat, braced over the cot so the motion of the vehicle won’t jolt him away from you. Overhead LEDs strobe sterile white across your face, exaggerating the pallor that still chills his blood. He rests his forehead against yours, tears slipping sideways into your damp hair. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs between each rise of the bag-valve mask the medic squeezes. “I’m sorry we fought. I’m sorry I let you walk out. I love you more than anything, do you hear me? More than anything.” His thumb drifts over your temple in a trembling arc. The cardiac monitor snaps out a fragile rhythm, irregular and shallow, every beep a fragile foothold he refuses to surrender.
The medic tapes an IV line to your forearm, glances at Jaemin’s hunched posture. “We’re almost there, doctor.” Jaemin answers without lifting his gaze. “Keep the warmed fluids running. She’s bradycardic, watch for arrhythmias.” His voice stays clinical, but his lips still brush your forehead between directives, leaving whispered vows in the hollow above your brow. “Haeun needs you. I forgive you, none of it matters. Just breathe.”
The ambulance doors burst open into the emergency bay of the hospital. Cold fluorescent light meets dawn haze, and a receiving team surges forward: Dr. Seo-hyun Park, the trauma chief in navy scrubs; Jihoon with a gurney prepped, Hyejin and Hayoung sprinting with the hypothermia cart. They freeze for half a breath when they recognize the patient: surgical gown sodden, promise ring still clutched in one blue-tinged hand, Jaemin shielding her body like a barricade. Disbelief flickers across each face, this is the current intern whose photographic memory can map coronary branches blindfolded, stitching grafts steadier than most consultants and carrying every promise of brilliance like a second pulse, this is a mother who never left her daughter’s bedside—how can she be the one arriving pulseless?
Jaemin’s voice breaks the hush. “Cold-water drowning, estimated downtime fifteen to twenty minutes, asystole on scene, brief ROSC after CPR. Core temp thirty degrees. Warmed saline infusing. She needs the rewarming protocol, active airway management, and instruments for bronchoscopy in case of aspiration.” He strides beside the rolling stretcher, one hand still knotted in your hair. His eyes do not leave your face even when Jihoon asks quietly, “Doc, what happened?”
“I found her in the surf,” Jaemin answers, voice stripped to chalk. “We don’t know how long she was alone.” He swallows hard, forces the next words out. “There was a child on the beach. She went in to rescue his toy. The current took her.”
Dr. Park nods, recovering her composure. “We’ve alerted CT, blood gas standing by. Hyejin, page perfusion, if her rhythm tanks again we may need ECMO.” Hyejin bolts. Hayoung swings the heat lamp over the trauma bay as Jihoon connects the EKG leads. Jaemin finally steps back just enough for the team to strip the soaked dress from your body and slide warming blankets under your shoulders, but he stays within arm’s reach, fingertips brushing your wrist as if willing arterial flow back beneath the skin. The monitor alarms with a pvc; Jaemin flinches, tears streaking new tracks down his cheeks. He leans close, breath feathering your ear despite the bustle around him. “Stay. I’m right here. We fix this together—like we always do.” In the glare of the resusc bay, surrounded by colleagues now working in practiced silence, he presses one last kiss to your cold forehead and begins reciting the steps of the protocol aloud—half for them, half to keep himself from shattering—each instruction delivered with the tenderness of a vow.
Dr. Byun Baekhyun barrels in, breath hitching, latex gloves half-pulled, spectacles fogged by the sprint from the lab. Behind him Dr. Huang materializes with a rapid-response printout, her voice a scalpel of disbelief. “Creatinine doubled in thirty minutes, troponin unreadable, lactate off the chart. Hepatic panel crashing, AST, ALT, bilirubin all spiking. Kidneys, heart, liver, myocardium, she’s spiraling into multi-organ failure.” Her words ricochet through the tiled space, colliding with the hiss of warm saline and the whine of the warmer alarm.
Jaemin sags against the wall, knuckles whitening on the rail as a nurse threads a second central line. His vision tunnels: monitors scrolling red numbers he knows too well, the rise and fall of the ventilator, the faint mottling at your clavicle where perfusion ebbs. A sound breaks from his chest, half sob, half prayer and he presses both palms over his mouth as if he could dam the grief there. “No,” he rasps, shaking his head, shoulders quaking. “Keep the fluids running. Push calcium. We can stabilize her.”
Dr. Huang rounds the bed, places a firm hand on his forearm. “You need to be out of this room.”
Jaemin jerks free, eyes glassy. “I am not leaving her.”
“Then tell me where Haeun is,” Huang counters, voice steady but urgent. “Your daughter is waking up to a world with no parent at her side. Right now she needs you more than the team does.”
The words strike like paddles on a silent chest and, for one disorienting instant, Jaemin can’t remember the road from beach to bay, only the frozen tableau of his daughter at Jeno’s window, pajama cuffs damp with syrup, clutching her Bunny as though it contains every prayer she cannot yet spell. He sees her small face turned toward the horizon, lips forming Mama, hurry, and the picture guts him so cleanly he feels the back of his knees buckle. Tears spill without warning, blurring monitors into a smear of red and green. Reality splits wide: Haeun’s single wish, Mama come back, is reduced to ventilator sighs and a cardiac line that trembles instead of sings.
He drags his gaze to the bed. Your lashes lie damp against mottled cheeks; the steam of his grief fogs the cooling skin he kisses. “I love you,” he chokes, pressing his forehead to yours, tasting iodine and salt and all the summers they never reached. A nurse eases your hand from his grip, tucking it beneath a foil blanket already slick with condensation. The loss of that contact feels obscene, but he forces himself upright, sand still crusting the hem of his scrubs, throat raw from seawater and pleading.
Outside the curtain, fluorescent light seems cruelly bright, catching each grain of salt in his hair. His steps lurch down the hall, shoes leaving damp half-moons on polished tile. Words claw his mind, Bunny pancakes porch-light ready but none will line up into a sentence he can give a two-year-old who still thinks a kiss can fix anything. How does a father explain that the sunrise she painted for Mama’s welcome-home card is now pinned against a night that may never break? He imagines her in Jeno’s living room, swinging socked feet from the couch, glancing at the door each time a car passes, whispering to Bunny that Dada always keeps promises. The ache is so physical it bends him sideways, palm braced to the wall, chest hitching like a man who’s run miles on shattered ribs. Somewhere behind him a monitor alarms; somewhere ahead, an elevator dings. Between those sounds hangs the thinnest thread of hope: tubing, circuits, drugs, machines, miracles he can supervise but not command. He straightens, wipes his eyes with a shake that fails to steady him, and forces one foot forward. There is a child waiting in syrup-stained pajamas who will ask why the dawn is late, and he must find a way—any way—to stand upright long enough to answer.
The first night, you’re kept alive by tubing and tubes, ventilator humming, IVs trailing like lifelines across your bruised wrists, a forest of lines feeding poison and hope into failing veins. The swelling in your brain is massive; cold saline and anti-edema drips run all night, every beep of the monitor a warning. You seize twice on day two, eyes fluttering behind your lids, body arching off the sheets as a crowd of code-blue pagers flood the room. By morning, you need dialysis, your kidneys have failed, your urine the color of old pennies. You code once at sunrise, crash to asystole, and are shocked back by Jaemin’s own hands, his voice cracking as he calls your name, your pulse flickering under his trembling fingers. He doesn’t leave your side, not even when the neurosurgeon, Dr. Kang, face wan, hands steady, slices a window into your skull to relieve pressure, the craniotomy a calculated violence, a saw biting through bone while Jaemin holds your palm and your aunt paces in the hallway, voice lost to the beeping of machines.
The hours collapse into one another, a relentless assault of interventions and alarms. You hover in that liminal zone between coma and cardiac arrest, ventilator ticking, monitors shrieking at every dip. Your lungs fill with fluid, suffocating you from the inside; you are proned on the ICU bed, your skin sheeting off in fragile blisters from the pressure, lungs stiffer each day. Pneumonia creeps in, and antibiotics drip uselessly. The trauma chief—stern, exhausted—explains to Jaemin that a massive ARDS (acute respiratory distress syndrome) has set in, and the ECMO team consults at dawn, threading cannulas into your neck and groin, the blood outside your body now your only lifeline.
Jaemin calls your family; your father answers, voice crumbling as he listens to a doctor describe brain swelling, blood gases, and a heart that will not beat on its own. He sobs into the receiver, asking—over and over—if you’ll wake up, if he can speak to you, if you’ll know he’s there. When he arrives at your bedside, his hand trembles in yours, a lifetime of apologies and bedtime stories condensed into the hush of a plastic chair. Your aunt brings a crocheted blanket and spends hours smoothing your hair, singing lullabies from your childhood, whispering, “You promised me you’d always come back.” Your world narrows to the click of the ventilator, the sharp reek of antiseptic, the soft prayers threaded through night after endless night.
Days stack up, each one heavier than the last. Your abdomen swells grotesquely, the edges of your body blurring with fluid and infection. By now your intestines are dying from lack of oxygen, your liver failing, ammonia seeping into your blood. You spike fevers nightly, sweat beading on your brow, hair matted and dark. The surgical team rolls you to the OR for a laparotomy; they emerge grim-faced, Jaemin trembling in the family waiting area, hands wringing the edge of his scrub shirt. “Her bowel is necrosing,” the fellow explains, voice leaden. “We’ve had to remove half her colon, most of her small intestine. There is a high chance of more infection, sepsis, and shock.” You are left with an ostomy bag and wounds that don’t close. Each time the nurses turn you, your skin splits along the suture lines. You don’t wake, don’t respond to pain, your body drifting further from the world that waits for you.
Jaemin’s hands are raw from holding yours, his eyes never leaving the EKG’s rhythm, watching the ghost of your heartbeat with desperate hope. Every hour, the ICU nurse updates your numbers; every number is worse. Your dad—white-knuckled, ashen—presses your foot through the blanket and sobs, “Don’t go. Please, please don’t go.” Your aunt leaves wildflowers at your bedside, her lips moving in silent prayer. Jaemin argues with the palliative team, refuses comfort, refuses morphine, refuses to believe the words “prognosis is poor.” He sits at your bedside every night, murmuring old stories and apologies, tracing the lines of your knuckles as if trying to memorize the map of your body before it’s lost to him forever.
The second week, you barely register as human, lines and wires snake into your flesh, bruises bloom on every inch of skin, mouth permanently parted by the tube. The dialysis machine runs constantly now, blood pooling in the tubing, your platelets plummeting, your body unable to clot. Every transfusion is a risk, your blood thinning further, every wound slow to close. On day nineteen, your heart stops for two full minutes before the team shocks you back, the silence between pulses feeling eternal. Your pupils are sluggish. MRI scans show global hypoxic brain injury, the white matter of your brain dissolving, your memories erased as the weeks pass. You never open your eyes. Nurses begin to wonder, quietly, if you can feel anything at all. The palliative team comes more often, gentle and quiet, their hands folded, voices soft, eyes never quite meeting Jaemin’s.
Your father starts to sleep at the foot of your bed, waking to every alarm, begging Jaemin, “Please, just tell me she’ll come back. Lie to me, if you have to.” Your aunt sits with your chart, flipping through the notes, weeping every time she reads the word “unresponsive.” The room is filled with the hush of heartbreak, the clatter of trays, the soft shush of nurses trying to make this easier for everyone who cannot leave your side. By the third week, the dialysis machine runs constantly. You bleed from every IV site, your blood no longer able to clot, bruises blossoming up your arms and legs, purple-black and impossible to ignore. Every transfusion is more dangerous. The team stops reporting the odds. On day twenty-six, your heart stutters again, stops, restarts. MRI scans are grim: brain tissue dying, white matter dissolving, your future shrinking down to numbers and probabilities no one wants to say out loud. You never open your eyes. The neurologists run tests and leave, unable to offer hope. Nurses begin to whisper, quietly, if you can feel anything at all, if there’s anything left inside you but muscle memory and electrical ghosts.
Jaemin, worn raw, curls around your body in the narrow hospital bed, whispering broken apologies, promises, telling you stories of Haeun’s bravery, of every moment you ever shared that was worth living for. He counts every heartbeat as if it’s the last, kissing your cold knuckles, refusing to sleep, refusing to eat, refusing to leave. Your father stares out the window for hours, tracing shapes on the glass, asking only for one more day, one more chance. Your aunt tucks flowers and notes into the railings, praying aloud now, voice hoarse from hope.
In the fourth week, organ failure is total. The ventilator is maxed out; your lungs are white on X-ray, your heartbeat a thread. The trauma chief calls Jaemin out into the hallway. His words are final, thick with regret: “There is nothing left to do but prepare to say goodbye. It’s time to let her go.” Jaemin can’t stand. Your father howls. Your aunt clutches at the rails, wailing in disbelief. The nurses cry with them, heads bowed, hands trembling. In the quiet that follows, Jaemin crawls into the bed beside you, curling his body around yours, telling you—again and again—how sorry he is, how he forgives you, how he loves you. And the room, full of so many years and so much hope, sits in silence, holding on to a life that will not return, time stilled by grief and love, every clock and calendar irrelevant in the face of all you have lost.
Jaemin keeps the truth locked behind his teeth because every cardiology text and every night-shift intuition screams the same warning: a child’s heart, especially a transplanted graft still learning its new rhythm, cannot endure the shock of hopeless grief. One shattering sentence, Mama might never wake up, could flood Haeun’s body with catecholamines, spike her pressures, tip her fragile immune balance into rejection, undo months of surgery and prayers in a single cortisol storm. The weight of that risk sits on his chest like lead; each time she asks if you’re coming home, guilt presses harder, crushing breath and sleep, yet the alternative feels crueler still. So he bargains with silence, promising himself he will tell her when there is something, anythin, he can offer alongside the loss, even if that promise costs him the mercy of honest mourning and forces him to watch his daughter cling to a hope that may already be beyond saving.
Every evening begins the same. She drags your cardigan, butter-yellow and scattered with tiny white hearts, her favourite because a pint-size twin hangs in her own closet, along the corridor’s hardwood, flops it onto her yellow-star quilt, then arranges the sleeves around herself in a crescent embrace. The pillow you slept on the night before you vanished sits beside her, strawberry-sweet scent almost gone, but she presses her face into the fading fabric as if lungs can sip comfort. “Mama’s smell is leaving, Dada,” she whispers, voice rasping from too many tears. “If it goes, how she gonna find me?”
Jaemin kneels, smoothing curls off her damp forehead, throat burning with words he refuses to speak. He tells her Mama is resting, his lie has frayed, but she clings to it like a life preserver and she nods as if agreement can summon you through the door. The nod dissolves into trembling; within minutes she’s sobbing, fists pounding the mattress in small, angry thuds. “I been so good, I took medicine, no spit so why Mama not come?” Bunny is squashed flat beneath her ribs, cotton limbs overstretched from nightly wringing. She switches to bargaining with the toy, nose-to-button nose. “Tell Mama I share gummy bears every day, pink ones too,” then to Jaemin, voice rising into a wail that strips the room: “Tell her I don’t need magic juice if she hate it, just come kiss me.”
Jaemin gathers her, feeling the jut of shoulder blades that were once padded with toddler softness. She clings hard, thumb stuffed in her mouth, free hand locked around his collar, hiccuping stories between breaths: that Mama promised pancakes shaped like hearts, that Mama said we’d all wear matching sun hats at the loud beach, that Mama’s voice sings better than birds. Each memory is delivered as question and accusation, proof Jaemin can’t refute, evidence of a future he cannot promise. When exhaustion finally drags her toward sleep, she stirs groggily, insists on stethoscope rounds: she presses the bell to wardrobe doors, chair backs, her own chest, then Jaemin’s, announcing which ones are empty and which ones thump. “Mama heartbeat hiding somewhere,” she murmurs, eyelids half-closed, “gotta keep listening.” Only then does she allow Jaemin to tuck her beneath the cardigan sleeve, but she refuses to release the earpieces; she falls asleep with cold metal on her sternum, murmuring, “Hear it soon, hear it soon,” until the words crumble into faint snores.
He stays until her breaths even, then slips into the corridor, collapsing against patterned wallpaper that swims under stalled tears. It’s here, in the hush broken only by the refrigerator’s hum, that guilt strikes hardest: not just for the lie but for its necessity. He rehearses the truth he can’t speak, Mama floats between life and the leaving, tethered by plastic and prayer—and sees the knowledge drop like an anchor onto Haeun’s fragile graft, imagines monitors screaming as her heart rejects hope entirely. The scene is so vivid it steals his air: the transplant failing, the small body he promised to protect flattening beneath despair. He slides to the floor, fists bleeding half-moons into his palms, and bargains with the hallway shadows, grant me one more sunrise to find a word gentler than goodbye. Behind the guest-room door, Haeun stirs, sighs “Mama” in her sleep, and Jaemin realizes dawn will break whether or not he is ready, carrying with it the same impossible question he’s postponed for six nights: how long can love shield a child from the sound of machines failing in another wing of the hospital, from the hush that settles when even miracles run out of time?
Your father crosses the room in careful steps, dropping into a squat that brings his sea-weathered gaze level with hers. “You know,” he begins, voice rough but warm, “your Mama once hid under her bed for a whole afternoon because she thought the moon would fall if she didn’t hold it up with a broom handle.” The story snags Haeun’s attention; she peeks over the cardigan cuff. He chuckles, a sound like gravel washed smooth by rain. “She’s always been brave enough to try the impossible, just like you.” He taps his chest. “I’m Papa—your Mama’s papa—and every good thing in her? That came from her big heart. Same place your bravery comes from.” The words unfurl slowly, paired with gentle pats to Bunny’s threadbare ear. Haeun’s fingers uncurl, touching the frayed cuff of his flannel sleeve.
Songhee kneels beside them, offering a woven bracelet she once made for you at a church retreatsky-blue yarn now faded to robin’s-egg. “Your Mama wore this until the knot broke. I kept it safe. Would you like it?” Haeun nods, tears tracking new courses down her cheeks, and allows Auntie to slip the loop around her wrist.
Jaemin sits back on his heels, throat thick, watching warmth kindle behind Haeun’s eyes. Your father tells story after story, how you’d patch stray kittens’ paws with gauze, how you fixed a bird’s broken wing with a Popsicle stick and hope; how every misstep you ever made curved from love too large to stay inside your ribs. He glances once at Jaemin, a look that says: She is a good girl, her mistakes belong to no one but the size of her heart, remember that when the world tries to measure her by failures. Haeun studies each tale like scripture, sniffles subsiding to small hiccups. By the end she leans into your father’s chest, and he wraps her in arms that once hoisted you over carnival crowds.
Morning spills pale light across the quilt, and Haeun wakes curled against her new grandad, tiny hand fisted in his flannel pocket. Before Jaemin can lift her for meds, she scrambles onto Papa’s shoulders, shrieking delightedly as he “trots” her down the hall. She tugs his ear, giggling, “Faster, Papa! Like a horsie!” He pretends to neigh, age-sore knees forgotten. Over breakfast she feeds him soggy cereal stars, insisting he taste each colour; when Jaemin tries to wipe syrup from her chin, she turns first to Papa for confirmation. Songhee tapes Haeun’s newest drawing, three stick figures beneath a huge yellow heart labeled Mama, Dada, Papa, on the fridge. The house, once echoing, fills with mismatched laughter: your father’s deep rumble lining up with Haeun’s bright squeals, Song-hee’s gentle hum as she braids the cardigan sleeves into a pretend swing. And though grief still gnaws at every heartbeat, for one trembling day love builds a scaffold strong enough for Jaemin to stall the truth a little longer, letting your sunshine breathe inside a family she had always belonged to, even if she never knew its names until now.
The next morning, Papa settles onto the couch with a leather-bound album that smells faintly of cedar and old summers. Haeun crawls into the crook of his arm, Bunny clasped in her elbow, cardigan sleeve dragging behind her like a comet tail. The first page reveals a black-and-white shot of your father cradling a newborn, your newborn self, fists curled like rosebuds against his chest. “That’s your Mama the very first day I met her,” he whispers, tapping the photo with a callused finger.
Haeun gasps, eyes wide. “She so tiny!” She presses her thumb to the glass as though she can feel your baby warmth. “Did she cry lots like me?”
Papa chuckles, deep and soft. “Oh, she wailed the whole ward awake. Strong lungs, just like someone I know.” Haeun giggles, burying her face in his shirt for a shy moment before begging for the next page.
There, a snapshot shows you at five, hair in pigtails, mud streaked across your knees, a scraped elbow proudly bandaged. Papa narrates: “She’d found a turtle on the roadside, decided he needed a new pond. We spent all afternoon building one from Grandma’s mixing bowl.”
Haeun’s mouth forms a perfect O. “Mama make turtle house? She so brave.” She strokes Bunny’s ear thoughtfully, then declares, “When Mama wakes up, we build turtle castle together!”
Papa nods, eyes shining. “We will, Sunshine. A big one.”
He turns another page: you in bright yellow overalls, grinning tooth-gap wide beside a cardboard science-fair volcano. Haeun squeals at the lava of orange tissue paper. Papa leans close, whispering conspiratorially, “Your Mama’s volcano won first prize. She said the secret wasn’t the baking soda, it was believing it could erupt.”
Haeun repeats the phrase, “Bee-leebing!”—then plants a serious kiss on the photo, leaving a faint syrup print.
Mid-album, Papa pauses on a faded Polaroid of you wrapped in a towel, ocean spray haloing your hair. “That’s the same beach she took you to,” he murmurs.
Haeun traces the shoreline in the picture, expression softening. “Mama said the waves sing songs.”
Papa rests his chin on her crown. “She heard them first with me. Said they sounded like forever.”
Haeun presses Bunny to her heart, whispers, “Forever songs bring Mama back.”
Between pages Papa slips a butterscotch from his pocket, unwraps it, and tucks it into Haeun’s palm. “Your Mama used to steal these from my desk,” he confides. “Sweet tooth, that one.”
Haeun’s face lights, caramel sticking to her smile. “We share wif Mama when she comes home,” she promises seriously, dividing the candy crumb by crumb, placing tiny halves on the coffee table like offerings.
Later, Papa shows a picture of you at graduation, cap crooked, smile luminous, arms flung around classmates. Haeun smooths the crease, awed. “Mama so smart.”
Papa’s voice trembles with pride. “Smart, and stubborn enough to stitch the world back together.” He closes the album gently, palms resting on its worn cover. “And she’s stitching her way back to you now.”
Haeun leans into his chest, eyelids fluttering, syrup-stick fingers patting his beard. “Papa, tell Mama I waiting.”
“I will,” he answers, pulling the cardigan’s sleeve over her shoulders. “And until she walks through that door, we’ll fill this house with stories and forever songs.” She sighs contentedly, thumb slipping into her mouth, Bunny tucked beneath her chin. Papa rocks her until breath evens, the album open on his knee, sunlight gilding the pages where past and present fold tenderly together.
Evening settles uneasily over the house, bruising the sky to violet when Jaemin lifts Haeun from Papa’s lap and carries her to the couch. She props Bunny on her knees, eyes bright from the day’s new stories yet shadowed by the same silent question she repeats every hour. Jaemin kneels level with her, palms cupping her slippered feet, throat tight enough to splinter. “Sunshine, we need to talk about Mama.” The nickname quivers in the air. Haeun’s lashes flutter; she nods because “talk” still sounds like something that ends with pancakes. Papa settles behind them, one steady hand on her shoulder, bracing them all.
Jaemin draws a breath that tastes of salt and antiseptic memories. “Mama didn’t just go rest. A month ago she went into the ocean to help a little boy, and the big waves hurt her very badly.”
Haeun’s brows pinch. “Hurts like my heart owie?” she whispers.
“Worse, baby,” he answers, voice wrecked. “The water filled her lungs, and her heart got tired. Doctors are keeping her alive with big machines, tubes help her breathe, and a machine cleans her blood but they think her body is too tired to wake up.”
The word machines land with a thud; Haeun hugs Bunny so tight the seams whine. Tears surface, slow, puzzled beads that roll without falling, as though even gravity hesitates. She shakes her head, curls bouncing. “No, Mama strong. She fix hearts.”
Jaemin’s eyes glass over. “She is strong, the strongest person I know. But sometimes bodies get hurt faster than strength can heal.”
The tears break free; Haeun’s cheeks flood. “Why she go in da water? Mama says no close to da waves.”
“She wanted to save the boy’s Bunny,” Jaemin manages, voice grainy. “She chose to help because that’s what Mama does, she loves so big she forgets to be careful.”
Haeun chokes on a sob, little fists pounding Jaemin’s chest. “I mad at da ocean! I mad at da boy!” Then guilt pounds in: “I mad at Mama? Is that bad?”
Papa moves closer, wrapping both of them in his arms. “It’s okay to be mad. Mad means you love her so much it hurts,” he murmurs, voice splintering on the last word.
Haeun’s breathing hitches, shoulders shaking. “She not wake up ever? Not even for kissy attack?”
Jaemin’s lips tremble. “The doctors say maybe not, Sunshine. They think Mama’s heart and brain are very, very tired, and she might not stay with us much longer.”
Haeun wails, ahigh, keening sound that seems to pull the light from the room. “No! We wait! We wait ‘til she ready!” She slides off the couch, tiny knees hitting hardwood, banging Bunny against the floor as if noise can reverse the tide.
Jaemin gathers her again, rocking through her flailing limbs. “I know, I know, Dada feels the same.” Tears seep into her curls. “But we can still see her tonight. She can’t talk, and there are tubes everywhere, but she can hear your voice. We can kiss her forehead, tell her we love her, and hold her hand.”
Haeun’s sobbing stutters. “An’ say bye-bye?”
“Maybe,” he admits, voice barely sound. “We’ll be brave together.”
Papa lifts Haeun’s chin, his own eyes awash. “Your Mama is my baby girl, just like you’re hers. I’ll hold your hand the whole time.”
Haeun’s lip quivers; she nods, then collapses against his chest. “I give Mama Bunny. She be warm then.” She tries to dry her tears on the cardigan sleeve but only smears salt and heartbreak.
Jaemin kisses her damp forehead, voice cracking. “We’ll bring Bunny and your green drawing and everything you want her to have.”
Haeun peeks up, breath hiccupping. “Mama not scared if we there.”
Jaemin’s composure splinters; he presses his forehead to hers, whispering, “No, she won’t be scared. We’ll fill the room with all our love, so she knows she can rest.”
They remain on the hardwood until sobs turn to hiccup-spasms and the cardigan is soaked through, but the clock’s digits march forward and the hospital will not pause for grief. Jaemin rises first, unsteady, and Haeun clings so tightly to his top that it seems to creak. He carries her to her room, where tears still sluice down her cheeks in fresh waves—wet gasps that rattle tiny ribs but she lets Papa wipe her face with a warm cloth and dab strawberry-scented balm beneath her red nose. “Brave together,” she whispers through the tremor, as though testing the phrase on her tongue.
The bravery becomes ritual. She picks her butter-yellow dress with white hearts, the twin to Mama’s cardigan because “Mama likes matchy.” She smooths the skirt three times, then slips on sparkly socks so “the machines see me sparkle.” Into a canvas tote she packs offerings: Bunny, newly stitched at the torn ear; the sunflower pillow because “Mama’s head likes flowers”; your stethoscope so “Mama hears my boom-boom heart”; two butterscotch candies (“one for sharing later”); and the photo album, pages already smudged where her thumb traced baby pictures. At the last minute she adds a crayon drawing, three stick figures under a yellow sun, ‘YOU WAKE UP’ written in wobbling capitals, folds it and kisses the paper twice.
Jaemin buttons a fresh shirt with hands that shake so badly Papa steadies the cuffs. Haeun watches him in the mirror, then stands on tiptoe to press a kiss to his knuckles, small, deliberate, before slipping the cardigan sleeve over her arm like a knight’s gauntlet. The sobs still tremble behind her diaphragm, but she squares her shoulders, lifts her chin, and repeats the mantra. “Brave together, brave together,” until the words pulse with something like resolve.
On the porch night air folds around them, cool, salt-tinged, as if the ocean has followed to bear silent witness. Papa locks the door, fingers lingering on the key while Haeun slips her hand into his. Jaemin swings the tote over one shoulder, Bunny’s paw peeking out like a white flag. Headlights cut across the driveway; in that wash of light the trio looks fragile—hope dragged thin—but Haeun’s dress flares like a pocket sunrise each time she walks. She hums one bar of the forever-song Papa taught her that afternoon, voice wavering but unbroken, and as they climb into the car she presses the folded picture to her chest and tells the night sky, “Mama will like my colours. Mama always likes my colours.” They pull away, taillights receding down the quiet street, an exhausted man, a grieving father, and a little girl whose courage is stitched from yellow hearts and the belief that one more kiss might still call her mother home.
Jaemin parks beneath the sodium glow of the ambulance bay and feels Haeun tense against his collarbone the instant she spots the sliding doors. She knows hospitals, knows their smell of bleach and plastic courage, knows the way ceilings echo footsteps that end in pain and her body curls instinctively, as if the very hiss of the automatic entrance could summon needles and beeping monitors. He presses a soothing kiss to her hair and lifts her higher, letting her small heartbeat drum against his own, but the corridors still swallow her in memories: the weeks with IV poles taller than she was, the nights she begged for magic juice from a mother who wasn’t allowed to touch her. Tears bloom in her eyes before they reach the elevators; she hiccups, “Dada, I hear the beds rolling,” voice shrinking to a tremor. Jaemin smooths the cardigan sleeve, reminding her they’re wrapped in matching yellow, wrapped in brave, and promises that the only person they’re visiting tonight is Mama.
Inside the lift, fluorescent panels buzz overhead, and Haeun buries her face in his shoulder, clutching Bunny so tight the stuffing shifts. Each ding of a passing floor makes her flinch, but the moment the doors open onto the ICU she lifts her head, scanning the intersection of hallways with a trembling fervor, whispering, “Mama?” as if you might be standing, healthy, just beyond the nurses’ station. Instead, she meets rows of closed doors and muted alarms, and her hope fractures into open sobs that echo off linoleum. Jaemin cups her cheek, guiding her—first step, second step—over the threshold she fears yet needs, whispering that sometimes hospitals are where hearts learn to beat again, and tonight they’re here to lend Mama all the beats their own hearts can spare.
Jaemin carries Haeun through the doors, her butter-yellow dress a small flare of color in the corridor’s antiseptic hush, and the moment the room’s sliding glass seals behind them she stiffens in his arms. The bed seems impossibly large around your motionless frame, skin wax-pale beneath the ventilator arc, eyelids bruised lavender, hair spread like dark seaweed over hospital linen and the forest of tubing hisses and clicks with a rhythm that feels nothing like life. Haeun inhales once, sharp and wounded, then folds against Jaemin’s shoulder, fists bunching the collar of his shirt as a raw “No, no, no, I not see Mama, no!” tears out of her throat. She trembles so hard the cardigan sleeve slips from her elbow; Bunny dangles by one ear, forgotten.
Jaemin rocks her, murmuring steady streams of breath against her temple, “Brave together, Sunshine, brave together”—and after long minutes the sobs collapse into hitching breaths. Papa stands at the doorway, hands over his mouth, eyes flooding as Haeun wipes her cheeks with both palms, smooths her dress skirt, and whispers the mantra like a spell: “Brave, brave, brave.” Jaemin lowers her slowly, letting her toes touch the cold tile first, then guides her to the bedside where the monitors stutter their thin song.
She climbs the mattress with cautious hands, settling on her knees beside your shoulder. “Hi, Mama,” she begins, voice thin as paper, and the word snaps something in every adult present. She lays Bunny on your chest, tucks the sunflower pillow beneath your limp hand, then presses her own palm over yours as if anchoring the gifts in place. Tears renew but her words push through them, a waterfall of everything weeks have stored: “I been good, Mama, I take all my medicine, even the yucky one, I eat pancakes with Papa, I draw green hearts for Dada, I share my gummies. I look at your pictures every nap, see? That one where you kiss my nose, I kiss it back every time.” She strokes your cheek with thumbtip softness, kisses your eyelids, your forehead, the nasogastric tape at your lip, whispering apologies.
“Sorry I mad at you. Sorry I say bad things. You best Mama, my Mama, forever Mama. Please wake up, please come home, we still match, I still got my yellow dress, see?” She pulls the crayon drawing from her tote, three stick figures, huge sun, unfolds it, and slides it beneath the blanket over your heart. “That’s us. We waiting. Bunny waiting. I brave but I need you, Mama. I love you biggest.” Her breath shakes; she leans forward and kisses the ventilator tubing where it meets your mouth, then presses her ear to your chest as if the whir of the ventilator might translate to lullaby. Jaemin’s hand hovers at her back, tears streaking unseen; Papa’s shoulders quake near the foot of the bed. In the hush that follows, punctured only by the slow drip of an IV pump, Haeun breathes her secret into the hollow of your throat, “Please, Mama, hear me,” and for one suspended moment the room feels gathered around that single, quivering hope, every monitor light holding its pulse just a fraction longer than before.
Each dawn she insists on the same ritual: “Dada, we have to visit Mama, every single day so she remembers I’m waiting.” Every dawn in the little house begins the same way now. Haeun pads from her room clutching Bunny, pauses at the hall table to press a kiss to the framed photo of you, “Morning, Mama, I’m coming,” then wriggles into the butter-yellow dress that matches your cardigan. Papa kneels to fasten Bunny’s red heart charm to her collar (“so Mama spots us quick”), and together they meet Jaemin in the kitchen where he’s already laced his shoes for the drive. Haeun’s wicker “treasure basket,” newly bedazzled with sparkly stickers, is never empty: that morning it holds a seashell painted purple, a lopsided bead bracelet, a grape-scented marker, a folded crayon note, and one butterscotch “for sharing when Mama wakes.” Jaemin lifts her onto his hip, and she hooks an arm around his neck, face turned toward the sunrise slanting through the garage door while Papa locks up behind them.
At the hospital she whispers her secret password, “Brave together,” to the night-shift receptionist, receives the usual conspiratorial wink, then marches the long corridor toward ICU, little shoes squeaking on polished tile. The smell of antiseptic makes her shoulders curl for a heartbeat, hospitals are where goodbyes lurk but Jaemin squeezes her calf, and she squares up again, dignity in every step. Nurse Hana meets them outside Bed Twelve, silencing monitors so the room feels hushed and holy, and swings the glass door wide. Inside, the ventilator breathes its slow metronome around your still frame. Haeun sets the purple shell on your bedside table (“beach music”), tucks Bunny beneath your chin (“heart guard”), spritzes the air with grape marker scent so “dreams smell sweet,” and unrolls the crayon note: three giant yellow hearts stitched together because, as she tells the room, “strings can’t break if you draw them strong.” Only when each treasure is in its proper place does she press her palm to yours, whispering, “Morning, Mama, delivery complete,” the promise of tomorrow already bright in her voice.
The ritual unfolds in a careful choreography she never forgets. First she sets Bunny on your chest, patting the plush paw and murmuring, “Guard Mama’s heart.” Then she unrolls a square of soft muslin so she can polish the smudges from your promise band, explaining in earnest that shiny rings catch sunlight and “tell Mama morning’s here.” Jaemin pulls a chair close, but Haeun prefers to stand on her tiptoes against the mattress rail, stroking your forearm with three fingers while she recounts everything that happened during breakfast, how Papa tried to flip a pancake and it landed like a hat on his head, how she practiced writing MAMA five times without turning the first M into mountains. She presses each letter against your forearm so you might feel them through the bandage tape.
Around noon she hums the forever-song she learned from Papa. The melody stumbles, her voice still lisping on the higher notes but she insists the tune helps your lungs remember breezes, and Jaemin swears the ventilator pressure curve softens each time. After singing she fetches a small bottle from her wicker basket: a rosewater atomiser that once sat on your vanity. One spritz over the pillow, a whispered “Smell the garden, Mama,” then she leans down to inhale alongside you, eyes closing in practiced reverence. When afternoon light slants through the blinds she unwraps the day’s drawing and tapes it to the side rail. Some days it’s you and her in twin dresses under a sun; other days it’s three hearts labelled Mama, Dada, Haeunie; and once it was a clumsy but earnest stethoscope winding from her chest to yours so “our boom-booms talk.” She narrates every scribble while your Father and Aunt hover in the doorway, tears shining but silent, letting her words fill the room with color.
Just before leaving she recites her promise, cheeks nearly touching the respirator tubing. “I love you all the way to the loud beach and back,” she whispers, brushing kisses across your eyelids, nose, chin, twelve in total, one for each letter she’s memorised of your name. She lays her head on your shoulder for a full minute, breathing with you, and when Jaemin finally lifts her away, she turns to the monitors and tells every green line to “keep Mama breathing till tomorrow.” Outside the glass she waves, palm pressed to the pane until the hallway swallows her; then she tucks the empty basket under her arm and skips once, determined, already planning which treasure Mama needs next, because love, she’s decided, is a daily delivery, and no distance of tubes or time will make her miss a round.
The house is dark but not quiet, rain ticks against the gutters and somewhere a clock refuses to be gentle but only Haeun’s sobs reach Jaemin like physical blows. They sit on the living-room rug because the couch feels too high above grief; her butter-yellow dress has wilted into rumpled petals, and your cardigan covers them both like a frail quilt of memory. She buries her face against Jaemin’s throat, voice muffled and raw. “Dada, what if Mama opens her eyes an’ I’m not there? What if she thinks I didn’t wait good enough?”
“You waited perfectly, Sunshine,” he murmurs, thumb stroking the curve of her ear.
She shakes her head so hard Bunny’s charm clicks against his collarbone. “No, I messed up. I got mad at her before. I said I was mad at the ocean. What if Mama heard my mad and thinks I don’t love her big?”
Jaemin’s breath hitches. “Your Mama knows every beat of your heart. She knows love even inside sleep.”
“But what if the machines are too loud?” She pulls back, eyes glistening like broken marbles. “I counted them tonight—beep, beep, beep—an’ I tried to shout louder than the beeps so Mama could hear. But my voice cracked.” Her lip trembles. “What if it cracked so bad Mama can’t sew it back?”
He presses his forehead to hers. “She’ll stitch anything that tears. That’s what she does.”
Haeun’s fingers twist the cardigan cuff until threads snap. “I dreamed the tubes were vines, and they wrapped Mama up like a tree. I tried to cut them with scissors, but they grew back, Dada, they grew back!” Her voice rises to a keening note. “Then Bunny fell off the bed, an’ Mama didn’t pick him up. She always picks him up.”
Jaemin’s chest caves. “Dreams are stories our heads tell when they’re scared,” he whispers. “Real love is louder even than dreams.” He kisses her damp forehead.
She hiccups hard, eyes huge. “Dada… if I shout ‘wuv you’ real, real big, will Mama wake up? Can she hear me while she’s sleepin’?”
“Maybe love isn’t a scream,” he answers, voice fraying. “Maybe it’s every quiet brave thing you did today. the seashell, the drawing, the grape smell. Maybe it’s the way you keep showing up.”
A fresh wave of despair crashes; she clutches his shirt so tightly the buttons dig into her palms. “I’m tired of brave, Dada. My brave feels empty.” She lifts tear-swollen eyes. “What if brave runs out before Mama comes back?”
His own tears finally spill, hot against her temple. “Then I’ll pour mine into yours, and Papa will pour his, and Auntie Songhee will pour hers, until it’s full again. That’s what families do.”
She exhales a ragged breath, but the tremor won’t stop. “Promise me Mama not go where I can’t follow. Promise me she won’t be gone when morning comes.”
Jaemin’s voice cracks in the quiet. “I promise to hold her hand as long as she’s here, and I promise to hold you even longer.”
Silence settles, thick with rain and the ache of things too big for either to carry alone. Then Haeun lifts Bunny between them like a fragile treaty. “Bunny says I can borrow his brave tonight.” She places the plush against Jaemin’s heart as though reinforcing a vow. “But Bunny scared too.”
Jaemin gathers both child and rabbit, curling around them as if to shield them from the relentless ticking of the clock. “Then you, Bunny and I will be scared together.” His tears fall into her hair; her little hand creeps up to pat his cheek in clumsy comfort.
Minutes stretch, punctured only by hitching breaths. At last her eyelids droop, lashes clumping with salt. She mumbles, almost inaudible, “Tell Mama I love her louder than thunder. Tell her my brave is waiting.” Jaemin nods, voice gone, rocking until her body finally surrenders to exhausted sleep. He stays there long after, eyes fixed on the photograph across the room, your grin frozen in a better season, whispering the promise he doesn’t know how to keep: that dawn will bring her back to you both, that love, somehow, will be enough.
The ripple begins with Jeno, pushing the door open with a baby balanced on one hip and a preschooler clinging to the other hand. His fiancée follows, arms full of lilies you once said smelled like summers at the coast. Junseo stretches on tiptoe to place a blue Hot Wheels car beside your pillow, “so Doctor Auntie can zoom back fast,” while little Serin presses a crayon crown onto Bunny’s head because “every princess needs a guard.” Jeno squeezes Jaemin’s forearm, eyes shimmering with all the thank-yous he was never able to voice. Word spreads down corridors faster than gossip ever did: the fearless intern who once rewrote protocols with a single daring dose now lies silent beneath ventilator hiss, and the wards respond in quiet, determined pilgrimage. Jihoon drifts in next, pockets stuffed with instant-coffee sachets because “you hated the cafeteria brew”; he lines them beneath your monitor like a tiny honor guard, head bowed in apology for every rumor he once repeated. Nurse Hana spends her lunch break painting your nails the faintest seashell pink, whispering that pink matched the sunrise on the day you talked her through her first crash code. Even Dr. Huang, stern champion of rules, stands at the glass longer than rounds demand, reading your chart through fogged glasses, muttering that statistics can be wrong, that people can be more than their worst decision.
Your father never leaves more than an hour at a stretch, pacing the hallway in deliberate circuits, nodding to each colleague who offers a clasped shoulder or murmured prayer. Songhee bakes honey pastries for the ICU staff, a peace offering sweet enough to soften the sharp edges of policy. Outside, whispers change timbre. The story that once framed you as reckless now folds into something human. What was once whispered as “she tried to save a stranger’s child” is now retold as “she dove in because she couldn’t bear to watch a boy lose his only friend.” Even the chief of surgery, arms forever crossed, lingers at night to watch the steady lines of your vitals, jaw working with words he never spoke in defense yet now mouths beneath his breath: Come back, we need the fire you bring. Orderlies straighten their posture when wheeling supplies past Bed Twelve; respiratory therapists pause an extra beat after suctioning, thumb brushing your cheek in silent encouragement. The building seems to breathe with you, every ventilator sighs a communal exhale, every beep an unspoken vow that mistakes don’t eclipse the years you spent mending other people’s broken rooms.
By the time the second month turns, even families of patients you never treated drift by, pressing handmade rosaries or paper lilies into Jaemin’s shaking hands. They confess quietly in the corridor: they once judged, they once feared, but now they pray. Your absence has become its own anatomy lesson, how a single silent heart can draw an entire hospital into uneasy, hopeful communion. In the hush that follows each visit, Jaemin gathers the tokens, coffee sachets, post-it hearts, origami prayers, arranging them on the window ledge so dawn light washes over them first. He leans close to your ear, voice hoarse but sure. “You’re still loved,” he says, and the hum of machines seems to steady, as if the room itself agrees.
Night settles slow and low around Bed Twelve, the ward reduced to green pulse-lights and the faint, wheezy hush of ventilation. Jaemin pulls the curtain half-closed, not to hide you but to carve a thinner, quieter world for the two of you to breathe in. He drags the visitor’s chair so close his knees brush the mattress rail, then folds forward until his forehead rests against your bandaged hand. For a long stretch he simply listens, to the whirr of the vent, to the soft tick of the IV pump, to the impossible silence where your laugh ought to be, before he unknots the apology caught in his throat.
“I keep circling back to the first time we scrubbed in together for Haeun’s emergency graft,” he begins, voice scarcely higher than the ventilator’s sigh. “You were still in scrubs, streaked with blood and tears, holding her so tight it looked like the roof could cave in and you’d still never let go. I watched you fall in love with her in real time—saw her latch onto your thumb, heard you promise she’d never be alone and in that heartbeat I knew I’d never belong to anyone but the woman who became a mother in one impossible, rooftop sunrise.” He lifts his head enough to look at you, gaze tracing the gentle fog in your oxygen mask. “You loved harder than protocol, laughed louder than the morgue hallway would allow, refused coffee unless it tasted like burnt optimism. I’ve never fallen in love like this.” He clears his throat, fingers brushing your pulse point. “I’m sorry I doubted you, sorry I let fear speak louder than trust, sorry the last thing I gave you was anger instead of faith.”
“I love you,” he murmurs, voice thick, honest, hungry. “Every inch. The way you steal all the covers and sleep with your foot hooked over my thigh so I can’t escape even if I wanted to. I love the shape of your mouth when you’re about to argue, and how you say my name when you’re annoyed—‘Na Jaemin,’ like it’s both a curse and a prayer. I love how you look at Haeun, like you’re watching the sun come up, every damn morning. I love the scar on your wrist, the mole on your shoulder, the way you can’t sleep unless you hear the ocean or my heart. I love how you taste, how you make a mess of me just by biting my jaw or sliding your fingers under my shirt in the laundry room or the car or wherever you decide you want me. I love the way you’re never gentle with the things you love, you fight for them, you bleed for them, you hold so tight I think you’ll break both of us. I love your bad jokes, your lectures, your stubborn, childish, reckless, beautiful hope. I love that you still cry when you watch sad commercials and that you dance with Haeun in the kitchen and that you let her eat ice cream before dinner just to see her smile. I love that you’re mine, even when you’re impossible. Even when you break me. I want you, all of you—your sharp tongue, your soft belly, your wild hair, your laugh, your rage, your forgiveness. I want every future with you, burnt pancakes, ugly fights, morning sex, all of it. I’m not whole if you’re not here.”
His shoulders shake, but words pour anyway, a steady transfusion of grief and devotion. “I love you because you carry too many pens in your coat, because you hum off-key when you tie surgical knots, because you cried over a goldfish surgery that no one paid us for but you did it anyway. I love that you still buy second-hand paperbacks just to underline sentences about hope.” He squeezes your hand, gentle despite desperation. “Most of all I love the way you love Haeun, how you’d rewrite the laws of medicine if it meant one easier breath for her.” A tear lands on the blanket, darkening the fabric. Jaemin shifts closer, presses his lips to your temple, speaking against cooling skin. “You told me once that hearts don’t break, they recombine in new shapes. Mine’s a mess of edges without you—please, come back and teach it how to beat right.” His voice thins, tender and trembling. “Come home so Haeun can paint your nails star-glitter pink, so I can sleep on the side that smells like your shampoo, so we can dance in the kitchen at 2 a.m. while pancakes burn. I swear I’ll never let a single day shrink us into anger again. I’ll spend the rest of our forever proving that love is louder than fear.”
He draws a trembling breath, knuckles white where he clasps your hand, the words raw and ragged against the hush. “I’m sorry for shutting you out,” he says, voice thick. “When you messed with Haeun’s meds, God, it tore something open in me I didn’t even know was there. I kept telling myself I couldn’t forgive you, that I had to protect her no matter what, even if it meant locking you out of our lives. I wanted to hold onto my anger. I wanted to punish you, to make you feel how scared I was. I thought if I stayed mad, maybe I could keep Haeun safe. Maybe I could keep myself safe, too.”
He lets the silence settle, throat working, thumb still stroking the inside of your wrist. “But it isn’t that simple. I made promises to you, I said in sickness and in health, in every impossible night, I’d stand by you. I didn’t. I failed you when you needed me most. That’s on me.” His eyes are wet, unblinking, fixed on your face as if hoping for a sign. “It’s still something I can’t always wrap my head around. Some nights I lie awake just turning it over and over—how we got here, why you did it, if I could have stopped it or helped you before it broke like this. It’s a wound, and I’m not sure it’ll ever heal clean. But I’m trying to come to terms with it. I’m trying to accept that love is ugly sometimes, that forgiveness doesn’t erase the pain but makes room for us to keep going anyway.” He kisses your fingers, soft and helpless, like prayer. “I don’t know if I’m getting it right. I don’t know if I deserve another chance. But I want to try. I want you here. I need you. We both do. Please, just come back to us.”
He lays Bunny’s heart charm between your palms, folds your fingers over it, and breathes in the faintest warmth. “You brought sunlight to every hallway you touched, don’t you dare take it with you. Let me carry some of it, and come back for the rest.” His lips brush your knuckles once more, then hover there, heartbeat syncing to the ventilator hiss. “Stay,” he whispers, half-command, half-plea. “Stay because I love you in every tense—past, present, future—and there isn’t a timeline worth living that doesn’t have you awake in it.” He closes his eyes, forehead resting against your intertwined hands, and lets the machines keep tempo while hope and sorrow wrestle quietly in his chest until morning edges the curtain in pale gold.
It’s almost midnight when Jaemin’s phone vibrates on the bedside table, cutting through the hush of the ICU waiting room. He blinks at the unknown number, thumb hesitating before he answers. On the other end, Attorney Kang Minsoo, his family’s private counsel since the first whisper of trouble, greets him in a measured, steady tone. They haven’t spoken in weeks; Jaemin’s attention has been consumed by you, by Haeun’s unraveling, by the daily rituals of survival, but he’s never let the case go cold. Security at the apartment and hospital has doubled, a new CCTV system covers every blind spot, and he’s kept meticulous files on both Nahyun and Aseul, even as he tried to push the dread to the back of his mind.
Now, Minsoo’s voice is heavier than usual. “Dr. Na, we’ve finished combing the footage from the night of Haeun’s event. The park, the pharmacy, the hospital, we have every angle. We have evidence that Nahyun tampered with your daughter’s medication. She slipped something into Y/N’s bag when she wasn’t paying attention. Our forensic team isolated traces of a sedative not prescribed to Haeun, one that could’ve caused fatal organ shutdown and failure, it matches the timeline of her crisis. There’s no doubt she intended harm.”
Jaemin’s hand curls around the armrest, knuckles whitening. “You’re certain? She—she did this deliberately?”
“Yes, and there’s more,” Minsoo continues, papers shuffling in the background. “We’ve recovered deleted messages between Nahyun and Aseul, including emails plotting to harm you, Y/N, and Haeun. Nahyun made threats to expose private patient records, sabotage your research grants, even discussed staging a car accident. Our team intercepted a letter—never delivered—that described, in detail, their plan to isolate Y/N and take custody of Haeun through false allegations. There are notes about medical dosages, routine schedules, everything. It’s premeditated. And Dr. Na, there’s a draft will that they’ve forged, trying to list Aseul as next of kin for your daughter.”
Jaemin is silent for a moment, the words sinking in. The world seems to shrink to the size of the. His voice catches, hoarse with the weight of relief and fear. “What happens now?”
Minsoo’s voice is calm but fierce. “We have grounds for criminal prosecution, attempted homicide, conspiracy, fraud. I’ve already filed emergency protection orders for Haeun and for Y/N, as soon as she’s able. The hospital board has been notified. Law enforcement wants to interview you, but you don’t need to leave your daughter’s side. If there are any further threats, security will intervene immediately.”
Jaemin presses his palm to his forehead, exhaustion and fear knotting behind his eyes. “What about Y/N?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper. “What does all this mean for her, for her career? If this gets out, with the allegations, the hospital rumors, the fact she’s not awake to defend herself… Will she even be allowed to come back as a surgeon? And what about adopting Haeun? She’s all Haeun has. Will they hold any of this against her?”
On the other end, Attorney Kang Minsoo answers carefully, weighing every word. “I understand, Dr. Na. The evidence we have proves Y/N was a victim in this, not complicit. Once the criminal investigation concludes, the hospital’s legal team will be obligated to clear her name, especially with the tampering documented and the threats identified. The whispers, the complaints… all of it is being re-examined in light of what Nahyun and Aseul did. She’ll have a hard fight, but she isn’t alone in it. And you have strong allies on the board now, her supporters are rallying, especially as more details come to light about her actions that night. Her reputation will recover in time, though it won’t be easy.”
He pauses, letting the weight of it settle. “As for Haeun—no family court will blame her for what happened now that we have proof of outside sabotage. If anything, it strengthens her case to adopt, as long as she can recover. But the timeline may shift, and she’ll need to show stability when she wakes up. I’ll handle the filings, and you just focus on keeping her safe and supported for now. I’ll update you if the legal board or family services wants to talk to you directly.”
Jaemin exhales shakily, head bowed, gaze flicking to the sleeping figure of Haeun curled on the sofa with Bunny under her chin. “Thank you, Minsoo. I want full restraining orders. Press every charge you can. I don’t care if it ruins them—I want them nowhere near my family ever again.”
“We’ll handle it. I’ll update you as soon as there’s more,” Minsoo assures, voice a steady anchor. “Try to rest, Dr. Na. You’ve done all you can. I’m sorry it took this long to get you answers.” When the call ends, Jaemin sits in the dark, trembling, gratitude and rage flooding through him in equal measure. He glances to the ICU doors, to the dim light where you lie fighting, to the quiet rise and fall of Haeun’s breath, and swears—aloud, for the first time—that nobody will ever come close to hurting his family again.
He comes back to your bedside when the room is shadowed and quiet, every monitor blinking steady and indifferent, the hum of the ventilator the only heartbeat he can hear. He leans in, pressing his lips to your forehead, holding them there so long the warmth leaves his skin. When he finally pulls back, his tears spill free, quiet, aching, like he’s been holding them for years.
“Baby,” he whispers, voice shaking. “You didn’t mess up Haeun’s meds after the park incident. You never would. I always believed it, I always trusted you. I let everyone else get in my head, I let fear twist everything, but I know you—I know you’d never be careless with her, not with anyone, not for a second. I’m so fucking sorry. I should’ve fought for you harder. I should’ve believed and protected you more. I should’ve listened more. I’m so sorry I left you alone to take the blame, that I made you feel like a stranger in your own home. That’s on me. That’s my failure, not yours.”
He cradles your hand against his cheek, breath hitching, eyes red and wild. “I need you. We need you. Haeun needs her Mama. I need my wife. I need you to wake up. Please, baby, come back to me. Come back to us. I promise, I’ll never doubt you again, I’ll never let anyone hurt you, I’ll never let you go through anything like this alone. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. Please—please just come back.” His thumb traces your knuckles, mouth pressed to your skin in frantic, desperate kisses, and in the quiet, he whispers it again, over and over, you’re safe now, you’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe, as if wishing it hard enough might make it true, might bring you home.
The morning starts slow and heavy, with rain needling at the glass and a chill crawling across the floorboards. Haeun wakes tangled in your butter-yellow cardigan, her cheek pressed to a patch of soft white hearts, the scent of you faded but clung to like a dream. Her face is swollen from crying, her hair sticking up in tufts, eyes red-rimmed and raw. She doesn’t speak when Jaemin comes to her room; she just lifts her arms wordlessly, clutching Bunny and your sleeve in one small fist. “Dada, Mama will be proud if I be brave?” she whispers, the question trembling in her throat.
Jaemin nods, kneeling, voice hoarse as he says, “She already is, sunshine. Every day.”
The drive is silent except for the quiet tap of rain and Haeun’s whispered monologue to Bunny. “Today we see Dr. Huang, Bunny. She’s nice, but I don’t wanna. Mama would say I’m her strong girl, but my heart feels owie. Dada, does Mama hear me if I say I love you really, really loud?”
Jaemin’s fingers tighten on the wheel. “I think she does, Haeun. I think she hears you every time.” When they park, Haeun hesitates, peering up at the looming hospital. Her whole body trembles; she presses your cardigan to her face, breathing deep, like if she inhales hard enough, you’ll be waiting just past the next set of doors. Inside, she walks on tiptoe, her tiny hand gripping Jaemin’s as if she might drift away. At the elevator, she glances at her reflection, tearstained cheeks, lips quivering, eyes too big for her face. “Dada, will Dr. Huang make me all better so Mama isn’t sad? I wanna be good for Mama.”
Jaemin scoops her up, pressing a kiss into her wild curls. “You’re perfect, bubba. Even when you’re sad, even when you’re scared.”
She nestles her face into his neck, whispering, “I wanna tell Mama I brave. I wanna tell her I tried real hard. Maybe she’ll wake up if I’m good.”
When Dr. Huang opens the exam room, Haeun freezes, half-hiding behind Jaemin’s leg. “Hey there, Miss Sunshine,” Dr. Huang says gently, kneeling so she’s eye level. “I heard you’ve had a hard week. It’s okay, you’re safe.”
Haeun shakes her head, voice muffled in your cardigan. “I don’t feel safe. I want Mama. My heart’s beating too loud.”
Dr. Huang holds out her stethoscope, inviting. “Wanna hear your heart together? Sometimes brave sounds like a drum.” Haeun nods, climbing onto the exam table, clutching Bunny and Jaemin’s pinky in one hand, your sleeve in the other.
Through the exam, she’s quiet but watchful, flinching every time Dr. Huang lifts her shirt or checks her scar. “It tickles,” she whispers, then frowns, “but only a little. Sometimes it burns when I miss Mama lots.”
Jaemin wipes her cheeks, murmuring, “You can tell Mama everything later, promise. We’ll go straight after.”
Dr. Huang listens, smiling. “Your heart sounds strong, Haeun. Really strong. You’re growing, and your numbers are good. I think you can try the new medicine soon, the one Mama, Dada and I talked about when you were little.”
Haeun perks up, brow wrinkling. “Will it make me run faster? Will I be able to do ballet again? Can I bring it to Mama so she runs too?”
Dr. Huang grins, “Maybe. I bet she’ll want to hear all about it when she wakes up.”
After the tests, Haeun clings to Jaemin, refusing to let go. “Dada, why Mama not come home yet? Why she sleep so long?” The question is a knife, twisting deeper.
Jaemin hugs her close, voice breaking. “She’s fighting real hard, sunshine. Sometimes it takes a while for people to come back from big hurts. But she’s trying. She hears you every time you visit. She knows you love her more than anyone in the world.”
Haeun presses her lips together, determined. “Then I tell her again. I yell really loud and kiss her and bring her magic marker. I make a ‘get well’ sign, so Mama knows Haeunie loves her super much.” She digs in her basket for the purple marker and waves it triumphantly. “Mama likes grape dreams.”
As they leave, Dr. Huang kneels to eye level again, laying a gentle hand on Haeun’s shoulder. “You’re the bravest girl I’ve ever met, Haeun. And you’ve got a heart full of magic. You can do this.”
Haeun nods fiercely, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I do it for Mama. I do it for Dada. I do it for Bunny. We all be brave together.” She tucks Bunny close, presses her palm to her scar, and looks up at Jaemin, eyes shining with hope and something older, wearier, but unbroken. “Let’s go see Mama now, Dada. I need her to see I’m strong.” And as they walk out into the thin, waiting daylight, Haeun’s courage glimmers, a tiny, trembling sun breaking through stormclouds, carrying her love like a shield, a spell, a prayer whispered into the hospital air for you to hear and come home to her, heart to heart.
Outside the ICU, cold afternoon light seeps through glass, washing the corridor in pale silver. Machines hiss behind the walls. The air is taut with the hush of alarms, the ghost of nurses’ shoes on linoleum. Dr. Huang stands beside Jaemin, his jaw tight, eyes ringed with exhaustion, he looks more like a man keeping watch over his own child than a cardiologist. They stand just out of sight, voices barely above a whisper, as Jaemin leans against the glass, eyes red and fixed on the two figures inside.
In your hospital room, Haeun has wriggled onto the bed, careful of wires and lines. Her arms are flung around your waist, cheek pressed to your unmoving ribs. She traces the faint outline of your hand with her thumb, whispering soft confidences into the crook of your elbow. “Mama, I saw the picture Papa showed me, you look like a sunshine in your yellow dress. I wore mine today, see? Bunny wanted to look just like you, so we both put on our heart charms.” She looks up, eyes shining and earnest, voice trembling with childish hope. “My new heart is working super strong, Mama. Dr. Huang said it beats so loud, like a drum in a parade. I wanna dance ballet when you wake up. You gotta see me dance, okay? You always say I’m your little star.” She presses kisses to your hand, chattering, “Today Dr. Huang let me listen to my own heart. It’s a good heart. It misses you, Mama. I miss you so much. Please wake up soon. I’ll be the bravest girl, I promise.”
From the corridor, Dr. Huang glances through the glass, the weight of all those tiny heartbreaks heavy in his posture. He turns to Jaemin, dropping his voice low. “Her echo’s better than we ever dared hope,” he murmurs. “Left ventricular function’s nearly normal. You see her running the halls, she’s stronger than I’ve ever seen her. If she keeps this up, we can get her into the trial.” He glances at Jaemin, searching for something in the younger doctor’s face. “It’s a miracle, Jaemin. Not just the surgery, the match, the recovery. Kids with her history? Almost never stabilize like this. But…” he hesitates, voice tightening, “we can’t ignore what Y/N did. She’ll answer for it, legally and ethically, that’s inevitable. But without her, I don’t think Haeun would’ve survived long enough to get this heart. Sometimes desperation makes parents reckless. Sometimes it saves lives.”
Jaemin stands rigid, arms folded, forehead pressed to the glass. His heart aches at the sight of Haeun, her legs curled around your waist, her tiny lips pressed to your knuckles, her voice rising and falling in the language only mothers and daughters know. Dr. Huang’s voice softens again, gentler. “I’m enrolling her in the trial. With this kind of improvement, she has a real shot at never needing another transplant. I’ll make the call tonight.” Jaemin only nods, fighting a thousand prayers back down his throat. “She’s earned every chance,” Dr. Huang says quietly, almost reverently.
The world spins, gentle and fierce, on the other side of the glass. Haeun draws patterns over your blanket, showing you her drawings, flowers and stars and little stick-figure families, all three of you holding hands in a field of yellow. “I made you a card, Mama. It’s got sunflowers, ‘cause you love them. When you wake up, I wanna go to the beach and wear matching hats again. Promise?” Her voice wobbles but she keeps going, hope stitched into heartbreak. And Jaemin, watching, his hand braced to the glass as if he can steady the ground, lets desperation pool in his chest, a prayer that you’ll come back, that the world will keep spinning, that this fierce, fragile family won’t be lost to another wave of darkness. He can’t look away, can’t imagine another dawn without your laugh, your hands, the light in Haeun’s eyes when she whispers, “I love you, Mama. Forever, ever, ever.”
A few hours later, with bedtime settling heavily in her lashes, Jaemin and Haeun are still in your hospital room, having spent the afternoon talking softly to you, her head tucked against your shoulder, his hand never leaving yours. Haeun sleeps curled in Jaemin’s arms, her breath finally even after hours of tears, clutching your soft yellow cardigan and her battered Bunny with their matching heart charms. The fluorescent lights of the ICU glint off her curls and your pallid skin, both stilled in the lull of exhaustion. It’s time to take her home. The day’s weight settles heavy in Jaemin’s shoulders as he stands at your bedside, pausing before he leaves, unwilling to let go. He leans down and presses his lips to your forehead, a kiss that lingers in the sterile chill, his hand trembling against your hair. For a moment, he almost forgets to breathe, swallowing hard against the burn in his eyes as he whispers goodbye. He keeps his voice low so as not to wake Haeun, though she would only stir if she sensed your absence. “I’ll be back tonight,” he murmurs against your skin, almost believing you can hear him through the miles of sleep and shadow that hold you captive. One last touch, one more plea: please wake up, we need you. The world cannot balance without you here.
The machines surrounding your bed keep their relentless vigil, numbers ticking steady and fragile in the gloom. Medically, you remain deep in a coma, the aftershock of a catastrophic anoxic brain injury suffered during your drowning. The resuscitation on the beach bought time, but every organ system has waged its own desperate fight in the weeks since. You underwent emergency hypothermia therapy, an attempt to save as many neurons as possible from the crush of oxygen deprivation. After that, your body endured one crisis after another: a prolonged cardiac arrest requiring defibrillation, acute kidney injury, multi-system organ support, sepsis from saltwater aspiration. Surgeons placed a tracheostomy, a feeding tube, all to keep your body alive while your brain rests in uneasy stasis. The coma is not drug-induced; it’s the brain’s natural response to trauma, swelling, and metabolic storm. Despite every intervention, your EEG remains flat with only rare flickers, signs that you’re trapped somewhere between this world and the next, your mind locked away from the daughter and the man who love you most. The doctors have advised Jaemin that if you don’t wake up in the next forty-eight hours then it may be time to consider withdrawing life support—your organs can’t keep waiting, the machines are the only thing keeping you here right now. The news rolls through Jaemin’s chest in waves of numb disbelief, something his mind refuses to accept. He sits beside your bed, knuckles pressed white to your sheets, clinging to hope with every bone, unable—unwilling—to imagine a world where he lets you go.
Jaemin swallows the grief and straightens, tucking Haeun’s Bunny beside your arm so it won’t fall. He smooths your hair back one last time and starts to gather Haeun into his hold again, ready to take her home to the quiet, lonely apartment that’s grown unfamiliar without your laughter in its walls. But just as he turns, a small, plaintive sound threads through the hush, a thin cry, sharp as glass and almost too faint to notice. Jaemin stops, pulse kicking up. It’s a sound he knows intimately: the frightened whimper of a child, so soft it might be mistaken for the wheeze of a ventilator or the murmur of a distant alarm. The instinct that’s shaped his life—chief of Paediatrics surgery, attending, healer—takes hold. He bends down, kisses Haeun’s hair and settles her gently beside you, trusting that if there’s any place in the world she’ll sleep soundly, it’s pressed between her parents, even if one is only there in body. Quiet as a shadow, Jaemin moves through the corridor, following the faint cry, heart beating harder with every step. The sound shivers through the ICU’s hush, growing clearer, a child’s voice, a heartbreak he can’t ignore. He follows it through the maze of monitors and draped beds, letting instinct guide him, ready to kneel beside whatever lost little soul the night has brought to his care.
Jaemin slips into the quiet pulse of the pediatric floor, footsteps echoing down the half-lit corridor where night nurses murmur and monitors cast pools of blue light on the waxed linoleum. He’s done this a hundred times before, found the hiding places, soothed the shivering kids: that girl with the feeding tube who barricaded herself in the playroom closet, the tiny heart patient who spent an hour beneath the folding cot, sobbing because her mother missed a visit. There’s always some corner, under the mural bench, behind the blanket cart, wedged into the shadow behind the vending machine, where frightened children think adults won’t find them. As he follows the faint, uneven whimper, Jaemin slows, instinct sharp. He pauses beside the laundry alcove, listens, and the sound grows, a muffled gasp, a ragged hiccup. He peers behind a basket and freezes, heart jolting.
Curled behind the cart, knees drawn up, is the boy from the shore, his hair wild, shirt stained and too big, skinny legs poking from beneath a scratchy hospital blanket. For a moment Jaemin stands motionless, mind scrambling to believe. The boy’s fingers clench something tight against his chest, Haeun’s bunny charm, worn and streaked with brine, the one Jaemin tucked into the boy’s palm on that hellish evening. Jaemin’s jaw works silently as he crouches, voice gentle, not wanting to startle him. “Hey, bud,” he says softly, lowering himself to the floor. “How did you get here, huh? What happened, why are you crying? Where’s your Mummy and Daddy?”
The boy wipes his nose on the back of his hand, eyes red and swollen. “They’re not here. Not my real Mummy and Daddy. I have new ones, they got me after the water. But… but they yell at me. They said I cry too much, and I’m s’posed to be good, but I… I can’t stop missing my bunny, and you, and her.” His voice fractures, quavering on the edge of something old and hungry. “I sneaked out. I took the bus. A nice lady helped me find the hospital. I just wanted to see her again. I don’t want new parents. I want someone who likes when I cry. The nice lady went in the water for me… She died, didn’t she? It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault she’s gone.” The bunny charm shudders in his grip, his body shaking with each confession. The boy bites his lip, chin wobbling, eyes huge and glassy. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I was good enough. She went in the water ‘cause of me. I just wanted my bunny. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”
Jaemin settles onto the cold tile beside the laundry cart, lowering himself until he’s eye level with the boy—no rush, no sudden movements, just the steady patience of someone who’s spent his whole life earning trust from children who flinch at every sound. He lets the boy see his hands, lets the silence stretch, then gently speaks. “Hey, little man, come here. Look at me.” He waits until the boy’s damp eyes flick up, wary and wide, before he continues. “I know you’re scared. I know it feels like the world’s gone all wrong, but what you just said? About it being your fault? It’s not true, sweetheart. She’s not gone. She’s still here, right in this hospital, and everyone who loves her is fighting for her—me, her family, you too. She isn’t dead. She’s fighting really hard, and we’re not giving up.”
He shuffles a bit closer, hands braced on his knees, voice warm and solid. “You didn’t do anything bad. You were scared and you needed help and someone to love you. That doesn’t make you naughty. It just means you’re a little boy who lost too much.” He nods at the bunny charm, watches the boy clutch it tighter. “You know, she’s my girlfriend. The bravest, kindest person I’ve ever met. She jumped in that water because you deserved help. She did it because she wanted you to know the world can be gentle, too, even when it’s loud and scary. That’s not your fault. Adults make choices. I promise you, she wanted to help you, just like I’d want someone to help my own little girl if she ever needed it.”
The boy sobs, trembling so hard his whole frame shakes, the bunny charm clutched to his fist like a lifeline. Jaemin bends close, his voice gentle but firm, wanting every word to settle in the boy’s heart without confusion. “Listen to me. She’s an adult, okay? She made her own decision to go into the water. That was her choice, not something you made her do. It’s never a child’s fault when grownups choose to help. She saw you needed someone and she decided to help because she’s brave and kind. None of this happened because of anything you did. It’s not your fault—do you hear me? Adults are responsible for their choices. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I promise you, you are not to blame for what happened at the beach.”
Jaemin’s tone drops, thick with emotion but steady as a rock. He touches the boy’s wrist, reassuring, strong. “You gotta understand this, okay? You can cry, you can be sad, you can even miss your bunny and want someone to come for you—none of that makes you a bad kid. It makes you brave. The world’s been unfair, but you’re never too much to love, and you’re ot the reason something bad happened. She was trying to show you how much you matter. That’s all.” He lets the words settle, watching the boy’s breathing slow, his lashes fluttering against flushed cheeks. Jaemin squeezes his hand, grounding him. “You got the charm? That means you’re both still fighting. So am I. You’re safe now, and I’m here for you, all right? Even if things have been scary and grownups weren’t kind, it stops here. With me.”
The boy’s sobs slow, breaths coming ragged and soft. Jaemin feels a sharp, painful longing—he wants to take this child away from all the shouting and cold, wants to fill his life with sunlight and quiet, but knows the world isn’t so simple. He strokes the boy’s back, murmuring. “You know, you can visit her if you want. Would you like that? I can take you right now, if you’re feeling brave.” The boy nods, small and shaky, gripping Jaemin’s hand as if it’s a lifeline. Together, they rise from the shadows of the laundry alcove, stepping into the light, into the uncertain hope that maybe, just maybe, not every good thing has to be lost to the dark.
Jaemin scoops the boy up gently, feeling the frailness of him. he’s light, barely heavier than Haeun was at two, bones thin beneath the oversized shirt. As they step into your hospital room, the hush of machines deepens; Haeun is curled beside you on the bed, lost in a tangled nap, thumb caught in her mouth and face pressed to your arm. Jaemin leans down, brushing your hair back, voice a low hush for the boy. “That’s Haeun, my daughter. You’re only a few months older than her. She’s big and strong because she’s had people to help her grow.” His eyes sweep over Haeun’s small, sturdy body, her round cheeks, the warmth of her skin, the healthy pink flush that only comes from a life wrapped in love. He sets the boy beside you, steadying him when he wobbles.
The boy stands on the cusp of the bed, fragile as spun glass, skin too pale beneath the sickroom lights, limbs folded inwards like a frightened fledgling. Something about him calls to mind a half-starved dove, a child too light for this world, wrists blue-shadowed, eyes soft and unsure, eyelashes fluttering down with every tremor in his chest. When he kneels beside you, it’s with the tentative grace of a little dancer, feet turned in, knees pressing close, as if even now he is trying not to take up more space than he deserves. There’s a balletic beauty in the awkwardness, he tucks his ankles neatly, sits so straight, but the charm in his fist quivers, the only anchor he trusts.
He looks at you, still as marble in your hospital bed, and for a moment, the fluorescent light catches in his hair like morning on a stage, shimmering as if he might take flight. “Miss…” His voice shivers, as fragile as the feathers that used to line his old crib. He squeezes the bunny charm so tightly the cord leaves marks on his palm, but he won’t let go, not even for his tears. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, voice breaking, so gentle, so painfully careful—an apology spun from longing and guilt. “Please wake up. You’re a good woman. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I made you go in the water. I shouldn’t have cried about Bunny, I didn’t know you’d go in, I’m sorry I didn’t swim fast enough, I’m sorry I didn’t help. Please wake up.”
His words fall like confetti at a lonely parade, one after another, a litany of self-blame and tiny hopes. He wipes at his eyes with the knuckle of his hand, leaving little smears of salt and dirt along his cheekbones, and when he inhales, it’s so sharp, so birdlike, you fear his ribs might snap from the effort. He leans closer, pressing the bunny charm to your shoulder as though it might work a miracle if he believes hard enough. The dove-child, all bruised knees and ballet hands, bows his head against the sheets and weeps. silent, wracking sobs that sound like the flutter of wings trapped behind glass, begging for a kindness he’s never known, apologizing to a woman who might never hear him, pouring everything he has into the hope that she’ll return and teach him how to dance in the light again.
At the sound of quiet snuffling, Haeun stirs. Her eyes open wide and slow, sleepy confusion turning bright as she sees Jaemin, then flickers with surprise at the boy sitting so close. “Who dis, Dada?” she whispers, blinking.
Jaemin settles beside her, softening his voice so it settles in her chest like a comfort. “He’s a very good boy, baby. Someone Mama helped. He’s kind and he’s strong, just like you. Be gentle, okay? He’s our friend.”
Haeun sits up, blinking curiosity and kindness, her headband slipping sideways. “Hi, I’m Haeun. You wanna play? I got stickers, and Bunny, and… um, lots of snacks!” Her smile is a burst of sunlight in the sickroom, and the boy’s shy gaze lifts, drawn in by her easy warmth.
“My name’s Minjoon,” he says, barely above a whisper.
She giggles, offering her hand, tiny and sure, the way a child trusts. “Nice to meet you, Minjoon. I show you all my best things. You wanna see my ballet shoes?” Minjoon nods, unable to speak, gaze flitting between her sparkly headband and the dandelion fluff of her dress, yellow against the blue of his hospital gown, sun meeting sky, bright and bruised.
In moments, they’re a tangle of small legs and soft laughter on the floor, swapping stickers and stringing beads, Haeun’s easy chatter drawing Minjoon out until he forgets the world’s weight, at least for a little while. A quiet falls, but Haeun can’t bear the silence. She wriggles off the bed and tugs Minjoon gently by the wrist, showing him her sticker collection, he picks a dove, she picks a sunflower and in minutes they’ve started an imaginary game of “hospital parade,” parading around the bed on tiptoe, arms out like wings, laughing so softly you almost miss it. Minjoon’s slippers drag, his bones bird-light, but when Haeun flaps her arms, he copies, and soon they are two little dancers in the sickroom, the world shrinking to the square of sunlight and the hum of machines.
They drop to the floor, cross-legged, as Haeun empties her basket, bracelets, shiny buttons, a tiny bottle of glitter she calls “magic dust.” Minjoon’s trembling fingers hover, reverent, as Haeun presses treasures into his palm one by one. “This bracelet? Mama helped me make it when I got scared. It says ‘brave.’ And this one is for you, ‘cause you’re my friend.” Her words are a balm, her confidence a shield. Minjoon lets out a shaky giggle, surprised by how good it feels just to be noticed, to be given something without having to ask.
For a long time, they talk in secret languages, swapping stories, Haeun whispers how she’s learning ballet and Minjoon says he once watched dancers on a playground behind the fence at his old foster home, his eyes glassy with memory. “I tried to twirl but my shoes went flying,” he says, ducking his head.
Haeun gasps, “I fall all the time too!” They dissolve into laughter, kindred spirits in clumsy courage, each one making space for the other’s little hurts.
In the fading afternoon light, Haeun and Minjoon spin tiny, clumsy pirouettes for you, chins tipped high, arms outstretched, two little doves in yellow and blue, wobbly and beaming, their laughter sharp with hope. Haeun tugs Minjoon close and declares, “When Mama wakes up, we’ll show her our best twirls. She’ll clap and say we’re the best in the world. You’re my best friend, Minjoonie. You can stay with us forever if you want.” She means it, in the fierce, uncompromising way children do.
Minjoon’s eyes shine with tears, but he smiles, shy and crooked, and squeezes Bunny tight, the two of them curling up side by side beneath your hand as if you could anchor them to the earth by warmth alone. Haeun pets his hair, whispers a lullaby you used to sing, and Jaemin feels the room pulse with love so thick it aches. He settles in a chair, one hand stroking your hair, the other wiping his eyes, watching these two lost kids find a pocket of safety in the storm. His voice is a breath against your temple, a promise, a prayer. “Look at them, love. Our girl and this boy, they found each other because of you. I hope you can see this. I hope you know what you’ve done for both of them. You made a place where they’re safe.” The air thickens, tenderness and ache mingling, hope sparking off the barest touch of your hand.
As the afternoon grows softer, Minjoon’s gaze wanders to Haeun’s Bunny. He swallows, reaching out, fingers trembling as he traces the soft ear. “I lost my bunny,” he murmurs, voice small. “My dada threw it away. I only ever had one.”
Haeun’s eyes go wide, round, brimming with immediate understanding. “Oh, you can have mine!” she blurts, shoving Bunny into his hands before he can protest. “I got millions and millions of bunnies at home. Mama always gives me more. It’s okay, really! Bunny likes to have new friends.” Minjoon hesitates, but Haeun insists, patting his hand with all the certainty of a child who knows her heart is boundless. “Keep Bunny. Now you’re my best friend. Mama would say that’s the bravest thing, sharing what you love most.”
Jaemin’s chest aches with pride and something older, something almost like hope. He threads his fingers through your hair and whispers, “This—this is the world you made. Please, come back to it.” The world narrows to this fragile, perfect circle: your little girl, the lonely boy you saved, hope tucked between their small bodies, a family of your making, waiting for the miracle of you.
Night wraps the hospital in its blue-black hush, empty corridors carrying only the echo of distant alarms and the slow, glacial tick of a clock that’s been counting down since the day you vanished beneath the waves. Your room feels colder now, days stretched into weeks, sunlight and hope thinning in tandem. Jaemin sits by your bedside, hands splayed over yours, his thumb tracing the faded crescent where your promise ring used to rest, tears wetting the bandage at your wrist. The air is thick with the aftertaste of things unsaid, a heavy, briny silence. The world outside carries on, Haeun visits, your father’s voice shakes as he tells stories about your stubborn childhood, Minjoon leaves scribbled notes and wilted clovers on the windowsill but here, inside the thin, sanitized walls of this room, time has coiled and curdled. The abyss yawns wide and Jaemin feels himself standing at its edge, clutching your hand, begging for something, anything, to pull you back.
He’s in denial, haunted by your absence, shoving back the certainty every time a doctor says the same thing, gentle and implacable: If she doesn’t wake up in the next forty-eight hours, we have to talk about withdrawal of care. The phrase tolls in his ears, an executioner’s bell, the final countdown to an ending he cannot, will not, accept. For hours he sits hunched, his stubble rough, eyes red, watching the flutter of your eyelids for the thousandth time, speaking as if every word might tether your soul to his. “I’m not angry at you, love,” he whispers, breath hitching. “I’m not disappointed. You haven’t failed us. There’s only love, you hear me? Even if you… even if you let go. There’s only love. There always was.” He kisses the back of your limp hand, breathes in the memory of your shampoo on the pillow. “I’d choose you again. I’d choose you a thousand times, even knowing it would hurt like this. Please. Please come back. I need you. Haeun needs you. You promised, remember? I’m still here. I’m still yours. I’ll never stop.”
He lowers his head, shoulders trembling, and for a moment he cries soundlessly, tears soaking the cotton cuff at your wrist. Outside, a storm rattles the window, thunder pressed against the glass like the heavy footfalls of all his doubt, all the darkness he tried to outrun. In the quiet, he mutters apologies, “I’m sorry for every time I shut you out. I’m sorry I doubted. I’m sorry I made you think you were alone. You never were. Never.” His thumb draws endless circles over your pulse, refusing to let you drift away.
Then, a shudder beneath his palm. Your hand twitches, a moth in the dark, then again, slow and uncertain. Jaemin jerks upright, frozen between hope and terror. Your eyelids flutter, lashes trembling, and the world tilts off its axis. He holds his breath. Please, please, let it be real. Your mouth opens, a broken gasp. You choke on the first inhale, air raw as glass. A shudder runs through your whole body, distant, underwater, everything blurred at the edges. Shadows twist behind your eyes, the black swan that stalked your sleep finally shredded, wings tattered and sinking beneath the parasite’s tide. The world is color, noise and pain, white lights, voices, a body that aches all over, the taste of metal on your tongue. Your fingers clutch at the sheet, at his hand.
“Jaemin?” Your voice cracks, hoarse, lost. “Where am I? Why does it hurt?” Your gaze drags over tubes, beeping lines, the impossible bloat of weeks spent asleep. You start to panic, muscles spasming, breath shivering wild and uneven.
Jaemin nearly sobs, relief knocking the wind from his chest, but he swallows it down, hands already moving to check your pupils, fingers gentle but trembling as he says your name again and again. “Hey, hey, look at me, baby. You’re awake. Oh my god, you’re awake.” He checks your pulse, your oxygen, the IV, heart thundering as he rattles off numbers and cues like a mantra, neuro checks, airway, circulation, respond to voice because even now, he’s a doctor first and your husband second and the two roles twist together in his terror.
The room fills with voices, nurses flooding in, the crash of code blue fading away, someone shouting for Dr. Huang. Jaemin leans in, hands framing your face, tears streaking his cheeks, and when you look up at him, dazed and blinking, he says, “You’re safe. You were in an accident. You saved a little boy. You… you drowned, sweetheart. You’ve been asleep a long time. We missed you. I missed you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He kisses your forehead, cheeks, lips, desperate and frantic and worshipful, every touch a prayer.
You start to cry, apologies tumbling, hands shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wanted to come back. I didn’t mean to—”
He cuts you off with another kiss, thumb smearing tears from your eyes. “Don’t. No more apologies. None of this is your fault. You’re here, that’s enough. That’s all I ever wanted.” Your breaths are ragged, your chest aches, but the sound of his voice steadies you, holding you on the knife edge between agony and grace.
He tells you everything—about Haeun, about the boy, about the hospital vigils and the fights and the days he spent counting your breaths, about the world that stopped turning and is just now spinning again. You listen, shattered and remade, as he confesses all the ways he loves you, all the things he forgave before you even left, all the faith he placed in you to survive. His lips roam over your knuckles, your jaw, your throat, his voice a rasped litany of need. “You’re my whole world, love. My best girl. My forever. Don’t leave me again, please. I can’t do it. I need you. Haeun needs you. We need you to stay.”
You tangle your fingers in his, your tears hot, and manage a laugh, a sob, a promise. “I’m here, baby. I’m yours. I’m not going anywhere.” He pulls you up, wraps you in the only arms that have ever truly felt like home, and the world sharpens, color bleeding back into the black-and-white edges of your fear. He kisses you over and over, frantic, as if he can breathe you all the way back to life, and when you whisper I love you, I love you, I love you, it’s the first true dawn you’ve tasted since the sea swallowed you whole.
Your first breaths hurt as much as waking, a knife edge of air sawing at your lungs, every muscle shaking, salt and sorrow caught under your tongue. The world’s too bright, his face blurred by tears. Your voice cracks and stumbles, thick with all the weight of what you remember. “It’s my fault,” you rasp, hot tears slipping free. “All of it. Haeun got sick because I messed up her medicine, I know I did. I was so fucking stupid. I should’ve checked again and again. And the beach, I knew it wasn’t safe, but I did it anyway, and look what happened. I ruined everything, Jaemin. Everything.” Your voice breaks down into sobs, your body curled small on the sheets, each ragged apology scraping up the last of your strength. “Haeun… the boy… you—everyone would be better off if I’d just stayed away. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I ruined everything, I lost everything, I—”
Jaemin’s hands seize your shoulders, his grip fierce, jaw tight with a heartbreak that’s sharp enough to cut through any lie you’ve told yourself. “No. No, baby, you listen to me. Look at me.” He tilts your face up, his own eyes storming with love and rage and desperate conviction. “None of this is your fault. Not a single thing. I know you, I know you would never be careless with Haeun, with anyone. You didn’t make a mistake with the medicine. My lawyer, his name’s Mr. Kang, he found the proof. There’s CCTV from the park, baby, the afternoon you thought you got it wrong. Nahyun slipped something into the bottle. She poisoned Haeun, not you. You never did anything wrong. Not one damn thing. And as for the water? You did it out of the good of your heart, there was never any ill intention. You did what you always do, what I fell in love with, jumping in, giving everything, never thinking of yourself. That’s who you are. You don’t get to blame yourself for being brave. If you hadn’t gone in, he’d think that no one cared or would fight for him. And if you think for a second I’d let you carry this alone—” He chokes on it, voice raw. “You’re not alone. I won’t let you be. I’ve already made sure Nahyun and Aseul will never get near you or Haeun again. Legal, security, police, everything. I don’t want to get into the details right now, I want you safe, I want you breathing, but you’re never going to have to look over your shoulder again. You and our daughter are safe. I promise.”
His thumb strokes tears from your cheek, tracing every crack in the dam that’s broken inside you. “While you were gone, everyone came. Jeno and his whole family, Karina, Donghyuck, Mark, Areum, even little Chaeun. The whole hospital, your friends, my parents, your dad and your aunt, they never left your side. Minjoon comes to visit every day. The nurses brought you flowers and the kids left you drawings and wishes. I… I couldn’t sleep. I held your hand for hours. Haeun cried herself sick for you every night, but she kept telling everyone, ‘My mama’s gonna wake up. My mama’s magic, she always comes home.’ I never let go of that, not once, even when they told me to say goodbye. I’m sorry the last thing we did was fight. I’m sorry I let you leave angry. I should’ve run after you, I should’ve held you tighter. That’s my regret, not yours. I’m never letting you walk out like that again, you hear me?” He kisses your forehead, your mouth, your eyelids, trembling, nearly frantic with relief and longing.
“I love you, I love you, I love you. You’re everything good in my life. I forgive you, for everything and nothing, because you don’t need forgiveness. You need to know you’re loved, you’re home, you’re safe. I want you here with me, with Haeun, with all of us who need you so fucking much it hurts. Please, don’t ever leave like that again. Please, don’t ever think you ruined anything. You saved all of us. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” He buries his face in your hair, tears hot against your skin, and for the first time since you drowned, the world feels like it might spin on, soft and blinding and brand new.
You lift your trembling hand to Jaemin’s cheek, needing the anchor of his warmth against your palm, and your voice breaks open in a whisper that sounds like prayer. “How’s my baby?”
At once his eyes soften, every hard edge gentling as though the question itself is a lullaby. “She’s thriving,” he says, and his words pour over you like sunrise. “Her last echo looked flawless, the truncus repair is holding, the gradients are perfect. She runs laps around the unit with her toy stethoscope, sings to every nurse, and scolds the monitors when they beep too loud. She wakes up asking for you and goes to sleep whispering ‘Mama loves me all the way to Jupiter.’ She giggles herself breathless, eats Pops’ rice cakes, and then dances the calories right back out, her oxygen sats stay in the high nineties, her cheeks stay pink, her scar fades a little more every week. Every heartbeat, every skip, every silly ballet twirl—is because you never stopped fighting for her. You gave her a world that doesn’t hurt to breathe in, and she knows it.” He presses a reverent kiss to your knuckles. “Your sunshine is shining brighter than ever, and she can’t wait to crawl up here and show you how strong she’s become.”
You exhale a ragged breath that feels like releasing the sea, and another question tumbles out before you can stop it. “What happened to the boy?”
Jaemin’s mouth curves into a smile so tender it makes your chest ache all over again. “He came to see you, you know,” he murmurs, eyes shining with the quiet weight of marvel. “He snuck past three reception desks, convinced two interns to lend him bus fare, and bribed a security guard with half-melted candy just to peek into your room. He sat in the hallway for hours, hugging his bunny, whispering that he needed to be sure that the ‘nice lady’ wasn’t just a dream. He drew you pictures, whole oceans and bright yellow suns, taping them to the door so you would see them the moment your eyes opened. He asked every passing nurse if you’d woken, calling them ‘captain’ and ‘mister stethoscope’ and thanking them for keeping you safe.” Jaemin’s fingers tighten around yours, and tears glitter on his lashes as he finishes the story the only way it can end. “His name,” he says, voice thick but sure, “is Minjoon.”
Your head tips back into the soft dip of Jaemin’s shoulder, his arm a shield around your ribs, every word between you stitched close and quiet as if afraid to wake the world outside your little hospital nest. You trace the veins on the back of his hand, voice low, raw with yearning, “He really did all that, baby? Snuck in here, made the nurses his crew, brought me the whole sea?”
Jaemin lets out a gentle laugh, the sound trembling at the edges, and squeezes your hand like he’s anchoring you both. “He did, angel. He told one of the interns he was on a treasure hunt, said the only thing that mattered was finding you, and he’d walk forever if that’s what it took. He called the security guard ‘Admiral’ and said he’d trade all his candy for just one look at you. He kept his picture of you safe in his sock, and said he wouldn’t let it out of his sight.”
You close your eyes, picturing it, Minjoon’s skinny legs dangling from some plastic waiting room chair, bunny tucked to his heart, all that hope wound tight as a sailor’s knot. “Was he scared, Jaemin? Did he look lost?”
Jaemin’s voice softens to a hush. “He was scared, but he was braver. Sat right outside the room and drew picture after picture—oceans, boats, suns, you with a big, shining halo. Every time a nurse checked in, he’d ask if you smiled yet, if you remembered him, if you’d be lonely if he left.” He pauses, throat tight, then adds, “He told me—dead serious—that you saved him first, so now it was his turn to bring you home.”
You swallow hard, throat tight, vision swimming as you clutch Jaemin’s hand. Your voice trembles, barely more than a whisper, raw and hungry. “Where is he now, baby? Did he—did he come today? Is he close? I wanna see him.” You blink against the tears that won’t stop, pressing your palm to your mouth like you could hold all the longing in.
Jaemin lets out a long, quiet sigh, his thumb rubbing slow circles over your wrist, the truth weighing heavy in the hush between heartbeats. “I haven’t seen him in a few days,” he admits, voice low, sadness rippling underneath. “Not since the last time he left that picture at the door. He drew a sun, a boat and your name in shaky letters. He always said he’d be back, but…” He trails off, gaze distant, his hand gripping yours tighter as if he can anchor you both through the ache. “He’s out there, love. I know he’s looking for his way home.”
You draw a slow breath, steadying the tremor in your ribs as you lift one hand to swipe the tears from your lashes, fingertips lingering at your cheek to remind yourself that you can still feel the warmth, then you trail those same fingers to Jaemin’s hair, weaving through the dark strands while you lean your forehead to his and pour every ounce of aching hope into a whisper meant only for him, the words spilling soft and molten between your mouths as you promise to keep breathing even while your heart thunders for the boy who has vanished into the city’s sprawl, and in the quiet after that vow you turn the compass of your mind toward the light of your baby girl because thinking of her is a sunrise that never fails, a sugar-sweet tide that washes the salt of sorrow clean, and you picture the way her curls smell of strawberry shampoo and sun-warm cotton, the way her pudgy arms wrap around your neck with fierce determination, her sleepy murmur of “Mama loves me whole sky” puffing against your collarbone, the way her breath catches on a giggle whenever you kiss the soft hollow beneath her chin where dreams seem to hide, and the memory ignites something steady and luminous inside your chest that refuses to crack no matter how wide the grief yawns.
You let the image grow, tasting the cotton-candy lilt of her voice as she calls for you at dawn, feeling the flutter of her tiny hand patting your cheek as she insists that pancakes must wear blueberry hats, remembering the rhythmic rise of her belly against yours during afternoon naps when she fits into the curve of your body like she was carved from your own shadow, and the thought becomes a tether stronger than IV lines or stitched wounds, drawing you through the sterile hush of the ward toward a tomorrow where she will be tucked beneath your chin again, whispering secrets about brave circles and night-light hearts, and you speak into the space between Jaemin’s breaths, a vow woven of silk and iron, telling him you will heal fast and true so you can gather her into your arms, press your ear to her chest to hear the miracle thrum of her repaired heart, cover her eyelids with kisses until she laughs that tinkling laugh that fills rooms brighter than lamplight, because that future, that chorus of cuddles and feather-soft words, is the map that guides you out of every storm and back into the endless, tender gravity of motherhood.
You turn your head, dizzy and battered by the brightness, reaching for him through blurred tears. Your fingers tangle in Jaemin’s hair, thumb brushing his cheek as you draw him close, your lips meeting him in a kiss that’s soft and trembling, full of desperate gratitude and all the apologies you can’t yet find words for. His hands cup your jaw, returning the kiss with every promise he made at your bedside, his breath hitching with a laugh that breaks into another wave of tears. You can barely breathe because of the ache in your chest, but you manage to whisper, “Where’s my baby?” The words are thick and slurred, your mind still fogged by fever, coma and the nearness of death, but the need is fierce, urgent, a mother’s anchor, pulling you back into the world.
Your fingertips skim the stubble along his jaw, as though touch alone could steady the spin of the world, yet hunger for your daughter throbs louder than the monitor at your bedside. “Jaemin, please, I need her. I need our baby girl. I just—” your voice cracks, raw and small, “—I just want to hold her, I want to feel her curls on my neck, hear her say ‘Mama’ again. I miss her so much. I can’t do this without her, I really can’t. Please bring her, I don’t care if I’m a mess or if the nurses get mad, just bring her to me. I need her in my arms, I need to see her face, right now. Please, baby, I just want my girl. I want her with me. I miss her so much it hurts.”
Jaemin lifts his head, eyes still shining, and nods toward the glass wall. “Look.” Your gaze shifts, unsteady, to the hallway beyond. There’s Haeun, your little sunshine, hair wild and bunny charm jangling on her collar, nestled into the crook of your father’s arm. He crouches beside her, the two of them kneeling over a coloring book spread open on the tile, your dad pointing at a picture with gentle pride. Haeun is chattering, cheeks pink, showing him every sticker and every scribbled line. Your heart twists at the sight—her papa, her new world, the bond that bloomed in your absence. Jaemin smiles softly. “They’ve gotten close, those two. She loves her pops. Won’t do anything without him now. She even got him to braid Bunny’s ears this morning. She’s okay, love. She really is.”
He draws a slow breath, thumb rubbing a gentle circle over your wrist as he continues, letting the memory fill the silence between your heartbeats. “I was so nervous, you know? I thought maybe she’d be scared, or shy, or maybe she’d think he was a stranger. The first day, she hid behind my leg, clutching Bunny so hard her knuckles turned white, but he sat right down on the floor, opened up his wallet and showed her a photo of you when you were little. He told her, ‘See? That’s your Mama, Haeun. When she was just your age. She loved yellow even then. She was always making things, always smiling. Just like you.’ And I watched her melt, just like that, our sunshine soaking up a new kind of warmth she’d never had before.”
Every day since, you can picture it: your father waiting for her in the mornings with a mug of tea and an old photo album, Haeun crawling onto his knee before she’s even said hello. He let her brush his hair, tried to braid hers (badly, but she laughed), and told her stories about your first dance recital, your first fever, the way you used to stomp your feet when you were upset. She hung on every word. She started calling him ‘Papa’ on her own, no one told her, she just did it, like she was claiming a lost part of herself and tucking it into the space you left behind. At bedtime, she’d curl up in his arms, dragging your cardigan with her, and he’d hum lullabies so quietly only the two of them could hear. Sometimes he’d trace her palm, mapping out the family lines, telling her, “You have your Mama’s hands, see? That’s how I know you’re strong.”
When the night terrors came and she woke sobbing for you, it was your father who carried her through the dark, sitting on the porch steps with her bundled tight against his chest, promising her the sun would rise and Mama would come home, and that it was okay to be scared, he’d been scared too, so many times, and it didn’t make her any less brave. Some afternoons she’d follow him through the house, chattering, drawing pictures to show you, holding his finger with sticky hands as they made soup or watered the plants together. He kept every one of her crayon notes, tucked them in his shirt pocket, showed them off to the nurses, beaming with a pride so fierce it made Jaemin’s eyes sting.
Jaemin’s voice goes softer, lower, tracing the last few weeks in a way that calms the storm in your veins. “She trusts him, love. He’s the only one who could make her eat when she was too sad, the only one who could get her to nap, the only one she let braid her hair without a fuss. She tells him all her secrets, all her aches, just like she does with you. It’s been… good, in a way I didn’t know we needed. She’s found pieces of you in him, and he’s found pieces of you in her. They’re both healing, together, even when I couldn’t do it myself. I think you’d be proud of them.”
You breathe in, feeling the hush settle over the room, eyes fixed on the shape of your daughter leaning into her grandfather, her face pressed close to his heart as he traces a picture with her. It’s all there, the love, the gentleness, the hard-won trust, as steady as the light washing through the window. It soothes you, stitches something broken back together. You know now, whatever happens, she was safe in your absence, wrapped in arms that learned to love from the same place you did, anchored by a history that will always, always belong to her.
You soak it in, overwhelmed by the ordinary miracle of them, by the way sunlight sets fire to every strand of Haeun’s hair, painting it gold, the curve of her nose scrunched in focus, her lips pursed in a perfect pout as she peels up a stubborn sticker. Her cheeks are flushed with that apple-bright, wild color, dusted pink at the tip and slick with the sheen of tears that never really left. Her nose twitches when she laughs, a soft snuffling sound, and every so often she presses the tip of her finger to her mouth, brow furrowed, humming quietly as she considers her art. The fullness of her mouth, always a little sticky from breakfast, is parted in concentration, tongue peeking at the corner, the picture of fierce innocence. Your father’s hand is a shield against her back, his palm spanning almost her whole torso, thumb tracing absentminded circles whenever her shoulders hitch or she gets too wiggly. Haeun leans into him. trust so instinctive she barely notices it, chin tucked, mouth parted, breath coming in hiccupy little bursts as she babbles stories only he can hear. She lifts her face every few seconds to nuzzle his sleeve, her nose smushing into the soft cotton, eyes fluttering closed for a second before she’s distracted again by a sticker, a doodle, a story she needs to tell.
When Jaemin’s voice trails off, Haeun’s lashes flick up—dark and wet, curling over cheeks that are still plump with babyhood and her gaze scans the glass, wide and blinking, confused for a heartbeat. Her mouth opens, a tiny o of disbelief, and then the shock bursts into life: her eyes swell impossibly round, her lips quiver, and a squeal so piercing and pure it rattles the air peals through the corridor. “Mama! Mama’s awake! Mama! Mama!” The sound is bright and bubbling, tumbling over itself, a giggle and a sob knotted together. She flings the coloring book sideways, stickers raining in a blizzard across the tile. Her slippers squeak-slap as she careens down the hall, one ear of Bunny dragging from her collar, mouth open in an ecstatic, unstoppable wail.
She crashes against you, face buried in your neck, tears soaking your gown. She’s shaking, laughing, sobbing all at once, her arms locked around your ribs as if she could glue you back together by sheer will. “Mama, Mama, Mama!” Her voice is hiccuping, her whole body trembling with joy. “I knew it! I knew you’d come back! I told Bunny every night, Mama always comes home, Mama is magic, Mama just sleeping, Bunny said so—” She’s babbling, hands everywhere—cupping your cheeks, tracing your eyebrows, pressing frantic kisses to your face, your collarbone, every inch of skin she can reach. “You’re real, you’re here, I missed you, I missed you, you’re the prettiest, best Mama ever, I be good, I be brave, I ate all my medicine and I took care of Bunny and I cuddled with Pops and I love you, Mama, I love you, don’t go, never go again—” Her words dissolve into giggles, then into tears again, her little chest heaving, curls sticking to her forehead. She strokes your face with sticky fingers, her eyes shining with a wonder so fierce it’s nearly painful. “You woke up just for me, right? You love me the most, right? Say it, Mama. Say it loud so my heart can hear!”
“Forever and always, my sunshine,” you manage, voice cracking open under the weight of love. “I love you most,” you repeat, louder this time so the promise drifts straight into her listening chest. You clutch her close, hands fisted in the back of her yellow dress, your own tears hot and new as you rock her, as if you could undo all the nights she spent waiting, as if you could pour every drop of love she lost right back into her chest. Jaemin kneels beside you, arms wrapped around both your trembling bodies, pressing his lips to the crown of Haeun’s head and then to yours, and for a heartbeat, in the middle of machines and monitors and every ache you ever thought would swallow you whole, you are anchored again by the weight and warmth of your girl, by her voice in your ear, by the impossible hope that brought you back from the dark.
Haeun is a sunburst in motion, tiny legs pinwheeling as she scoots higher on your lap, knees knocking against your ribs, bunny charm jingling like a bell. Her butter-yellow dress rides up to reveal pudgy calves the color of warm milk. Every part of her is busy: tiny toes curling, bunny charm chiming at her collarbones, curls flying like spun sugar. She jumps up and down in your lap with a soft pomf, then launches into a flurry of butterfly-kisses, the tip of your nose, your apple-round cheek, the soft sweep beneath your eye, breathless “mwah-mwah-mwah” sounds tumbling between giggles. Her mouth is a glossy strawberry heart, tongue poking between baby teeth as she breathlessly reports, “Mama, Nurse Hana gave me two sparkly stickers ’cause Dr. Huang said my heart goes boom-boom-BAM super strong!” Tiny fingers, warm, still faintly sticky with syrup, press to your sternum, then pat her own chest, marveling at the echo of life thumping beneath both sets of ribs. Her eyelashes, black and velvety, sweep her brows each time she blinks, and her button nose scrunches with theatrical awe.
Jaemin kneels beside the bed, arms curling around both of you, his lips finding the crown of Haeun’s head before pressing, reverent and shaking, to your temple. The three of you form a trembling constellation—his steady heartbeat against your shoulder blade, her tiny pulse thrumming under your palm, your own heart finally slotting back into its rhythm because their bodies are here, warm and solid, anchoring you to the earth. She tilts her head, curls brushing your collarbone, and in that hush between two heartbeats you feel the universe rearrange: every missed bedtime, every prayer whispered into stale hospital air, every throb of fear that you would never wake is gathered up and traded for this single, searing truth—your baby girl is real, alive, and loving you with all the reckless ferocity her tiny body can hold. Tears slip down your face, and she catches them on sticky fingertips, smearing salt across your lips as she giggles, “Mama’s tears taste like rainbows.” You laugh through the ache, tasting springtime and hope, thinking yes, maybe they do, because for the first time since the dark water closed over your head the world is blooming again, bright and impossible, carried inside the heartbeat of the child who never stopped believing that you would come home.
Before you can answer she’s off again, words tripping over each other like marbles on tile. “And—and Papa braided Bunny ears, but Papa’s fingers silly, and Pops maked pancakes shaped like stars. Oh and Mama! Dr. Huang said next week I can twirl in ballet class again, really-truly, so I practiced pliés with Pops and Bunny but my tutu went whoosh—” She demonstrates, bouncing twice on you; her curls bounce too, casting cinnamon shadows across her round, satin-soft cheeks.
She launches into a full-body plié, knees bending, bottom tucked, arms flung wide, until you gasp, a sharp breath you can’t hide, pain flaring where IV lines tug and healing ribs protest. Instantly she freezes, eyes rounding like spilled marbles, curls settling in soft ringlets against her flushed cheeks. You gather her nearer, one arm cradling the warm curve of her back, the other hand smoothing the skirt of her dress.
Jaemin’s steady palm lands between her shoulder blades. “Easy, baby. Mama’s still hurting,” he murmurs, caution wrapped in devotion.
Haeun’s whole body pauses; she straightens like a toy soldier, lower lip wobbling. “Sorry, Dada… ’scuse me, Mama,” she breathes, lids drooping, bunny ears drooping, the word sorry puffing out like the tiniest white cloud. “Mama, did I squish your owie?” Her fingertips trace invisible circles over your gown, feather-light.
You press a kiss to the crown of her head, whispering, “Just a little sting, my love. Mama’s body’s still waking up.” You feel her soften against you, heartbeat drumming quick apologies, but the sparkle in her eyes refuses to dim; even in your arms she gives a tiny, whisper-quiet twirl, content now to dance in place where she can feel the rise and fall of your breath beneath her palms.
Haeun nestles closer, eyes flicking to the heart-rate monitor that still flickers beside you. She traces one tiny finger along the glowing numbers, then ducks her head, cheeks blooming rose-petal pink. “Mama, I’m sorry for my big hallway yell when I saw you was awake,” she whispers, voice hushed as if the machine might scold her. “I know hospitals like teeny-tiny voices.” She presses her finger to her lips—shh!—then confesses in a syrupy rush. “I just got too happy—my mouth ran faster than my brain.” The confession is punctuated by a sheepish sniffle and a shy peek through her lashes; she presses a solemn kiss to your forearm as penance before finishing, half-giggled, half-contrite: “Next time I’ll keep my happy in a whisper jar but it’s super hard ’cause my whisper jar is leaky.”
You cup her moon-bright face, brushing a kiss to her plush lower lip, tasting strawberry toothpaste and all the hope you almost lost. “Don’t be sorry, my angel girl,” you murmur, pressing another kiss to the tiny pulse fluttering at her temple. “Your excitement is my favorite medicine.”
Encouraged, she surges forward again, arms flung around your neck, her heartbeat a hummingbird against your throat. “I just so ’cited, Mama, ’cause my heart’s strong and I’m gonna dance and you waked up and everything’s shiny again!” Her words spill like confetti while her hands roam, patting your shoulders, smoothing your hair, counting your freckles as if taking inventory of a miracle returned. You breathe her in—soap, syrup, sun—and let her chatter swirl around you, every syllable stitching you tighter to the life you almost surrendered.
You press your lips to the silky whorl at her crown, inhaling sunshine, syrup, and the faint powdery scent of crayon wax. Then you guide her small feet into your lap, cupping each pink-socked “ballet toe” as though it were porcelain. “These brave feet will pirouette across galaxies,” you murmur, massaging the arches the way her teacher taught you, easing the phantom ache of months in bed. She watches, rapt, cheeks blooming peach-rose, lashes trembling while you flex her ankle, demi-pointe, full pointe, whispering the French names so softly they feel like spells. When you brush the pad of your thumb beneath her toes she giggles, bright as chimes, and you tilt your forehead to hers, nose to button nose, both of you breathing the same warm breath. “I promise,” you vow, eyes stinging, “the very first day you dance again, Mama will be in the front row, cheering so loud the stars hear us.”
Her dimple deepens; tears gleam on her lower lashes. “Then I’ll dance extra twirly so the music keeps your heart awake.” She lays one palm over your sternum, as though tuning the rhythm herself. Haeun’s dimple pops, but instead of another giggle her bottom lip juts forward, eyes going glassy as she traces a sleepy circle over your sternum. “Mama,” she sighs, lashes sweeping her cheeks, “I wanna dance with Minjoonie.” The name tumbles out like a secret marble, and you draw a soft breath, surprise flaring in your chest. She catches the sound, eyes widening, curls bouncing. “Oh! Mama! You know who Minjoonie is, right?”
Her voice climbs, bright with amazement. “He’s such a sweet baby boy—so cute, listens real good, holds Bunny the right way so his ears don’t drag.” She scoots closer, knees bumping your ribs, eager to spill every detail. “One night when you were still sleepy-snow, I was walkin’ the hallway with Pops, my heart felt all droopy, then Minjoonie peeked from behind the water fountain. He asked if I wanted a jelly bean, ‘cause he said jelly beans chase the scary dreams away. We traded colors, yellow for blue, then he showed me how to do a spin-spin slide on the shiny floor tiles. We twirled right by the big clock, three whole circles! He bowed, I curtsied, we clapped for our own show, and he said, ‘Your tutu is invisible, but I see it sparkle.’” She pauses, sniffing, curls drooping. “But then he waved goodbye. He said he had to go back on an adventure bus. He never came back, Mama, and I keep savin’ my extra jelly bean for him.”
Your heart folds in on itself, tender and aching, and you brush her damp curls back, kissing the soft spot just above her brow. “Maybe he’s still on that adventure bus, Sunshine. Maybe he’s following the map of our hearts to find his way back to us.” She considers this, tiny teeth worrying her bottom lip, then nods with solemn hope. Together you lift your linked hands, her sticky fingers tucked inside yours and press them over your joined hearts, a secret mother-daughter ritual born in the lonely hours of hospital nights.
She leans forward until your noses touch, whispering, “Wish time, Mama.” You both close your eyes, breath mingling, and trade hushed wishes against each other’s cheeks: hers a soft, earnest plea for Minjoonie to come twirl again; yours a vow that the next time his brave feet reach this ward, he’ll never leave without knowing he’s home. When you open your eyes, her pout has gentled into a hopeful curve, and she plants a kiss right over your pulse. “That’s our wish glue,” she murmurs, voice drowsy with belief. “Now the wind can’t blow it away.” You hug her close, letting the magic settle, two hearts, one wish, waiting for the boy who made the hallway a ballroom and left a jelly-bean spot open in both your hands.
You gather her close, palms spanning the sturdier stretch of her back, and lift just enough to feel the new heft of her body. “Look at you, baby,” you breathe, awe brushing every word. “You feel so strong now.” Your fingers map the subtle weight along her legs, no more bird-thin wobble, only soft muscle beneath fleece leggings and the warmth of her skin pulses steady and sure against your own. Her cheeks glow a healthy peach, dimples flashing like pocket-suns when she smiles; not a hint of that old dusky tint lingers. You rest a hand over her ribs, rising and falling in gentle, even tides and marvel how she’s not huffing for breath, just giggling, curls tickling your nose as she bumps her forehead to yours. Her heartbeat drums confident and clear beneath your palm, a tiny, jubilant metronome that steadies yours in turn. She tugs your hair with syrup-sticky fingers, eyes crescent-bright, and you press a kiss to her temple—skin warm, alive—and whisper a silent thank-you to every miracle that stitched her whole.
Jaemin’s voice thickens behind you. “Her EF is up to sixty-five percent,” he says, barely above a heartbeat, pride and disbelief braided in every syllable. “No regurgitation on the latest Doppler, BNP normal and steady. Huang called it a textbook recovery, and said he hasn’t seen numbers like this in a kid her age since fellowship.” His hand slips around your shoulders; you feel the tremor he hides, the breath he steals, watching his two miracles folded together. You anchor Haeun’s feet against your ribs, kiss each tiny toe, and she squeals and bounces, flinging her arms around your neck. “Careful,” Jaemin warns, voice breaking on a laugh-sob
She only nestles closer, whispering against your ear, “My heart’s dancing, Mama, now your heart has to dance, too.” And with Jaemin’s tears dripping warm onto your hair and your own tears glistening on her curls, you realize it already is.
But joy always drags its shadow behind it. Mid-giggle Haeun freezes, like a music-box ballerina whose spring has jammed, dimples flattening as recognition punches through delight. A ragged little ahh slips out; then her shoulders quake, tears ballooning on lashes so long they kiss her brows. They fall in fat, glassy beads, splashing the hospital gown where her cherry-glossed lips earlier left kissy prints. “I thought you leaved f-forever, Mama,” she hiccups, voice burr-soft, chest fluttering under your hand like a trapped sparrow. “I dreamed you was angel in sky—” she points a quivering finger upward, nose crinkling—“and I tried to jump but the clouds was too tall and I cried and cried and Bunny cried too.” She burrows under your chin, hot breaths fogging your skin, her cinnamon-curl halo tickling your jaw; her fists clutch the gown, knuckles pearly, one sticky thumb still half-tucked between petal-pink teeth.
You rock her, heart scraping your ribs, something dark and delicate stretching wings behind the cage of bone. Forehead pressed to her raspberry-warm brow, you whisper, “Shh, my angel, Mama’s here. No more sky between us. I will never walk out like that again, never leave my baby girl.” Your tears slip onto her fluttering lashes; she blinks, surprised, then licks at the salt with the tip of her tongue, the way she does with pancake syrup.
“Forever?” she asks on a tremulous breath, voice drifting feather-soft, like a secret shared between swans in their final glide.
“Forever-ever,” you vow, unaware that the shadows gather softly at the edges of your promise, a silent ripple stirring the black water beneath the sweetness of your daughter’s laughter. She giggles into your neck, kissing whispers against your pulse, innocence hiding the faint, distant rustle of feathers, your pledge stretching between mother and child, binding you tighter than any oath, until the day the stars align, and the only way you leave this world is with her small hand nestled safely in yours.
She sniffs, wiping snot with the back of a marshmallow-plump hand, lower lip jutting. “But… you said you not my Mama.” The words wobble, half accusation, half plea, little chin quivering.
You hush her with traveling kisses—one to each tear-wet cheek, soft as mochi; one to her freckle-dusted nose; one to the sugar-bow curve of her mouth—letting each press stitch truth into her skin. “I’m sorry, my sweet angel,” you breathe between kisses, voice shaking with the weight of it. “I was scared and hurting and I thought the only way to keep you safe was to stand back, but that was wrong. Saying I wasn’t your Mama was the worst lie I ever told, and I’ll spend forever un-telling it. I live to be your Mama—before doctor, before anything. My heart beats just to love you, Haeun. Nothing comes before that, ever again.” She soaks up every word, hiccupping a sob that melts into a shy smile, and tucks her damp cheek under your chin as if sealing the promise there.
“I’m your Mama because I carried you in my heart long before the world ever carried you in my arms,” you murmur, each word a feathered kiss across her damp cheeks. “I’m your Mama because your belly-laugh echoes in my bones and your sniffly tears water my soul. I’m your Mama when you twirl like a dizzy ballerina and whisper, ‘Mama, look-a me!’—when you steal the last pancake and leave me only crumbs—when you wake at three a.m. with bad-dream hiccups and I rock you ‘til dawn. I’m your Mama every time you paint the bathtub purple, every time you hide stickers in my hair, every time you say ‘pwease one more story’ and I read five.”
Haeun’s eyes glimmer, half-moon shy; she wiggles deeper into your hug, cheeks flaming strawberry. “Mama,” she whispers, covering her grin with both pudgy hands, “you ‘member the purple bath?”
You nod, brushing curls from her forehead. “I remember everything, Sunshine. Because I’m your Mama forever-ever-ever, even when the sky turns upside-down, even when my own heart gets scared. Nothing, not storms or hospitals or oceans, can change that.”
Color floods her cheeks, strawberry milk whipped to foam and she ducks, pudgy fingers mashed to dimples. “Stop, Mama, I shy!” Then softer, like a secret blooming, “Wuv you big as all da moons.” She slings both arms round your neck so hard the monitor wires rustle, sighing out a breath that seems to drain months of night terrors from her tiny lungs. Her legs, dimpled knees, scraped from ward scooter races fold frog-tight about your waist, dawn-soft soles drumming your hips. She presses her ear to your heart, listening, lips moving in a private baby mantra: boom-boom, boom-boom, stay-stay.
Haeun’s giggle bubbles up like soda fizz. She pats your cheeks with both palms, eyes round with adoration. “Mama, you wake up even prettier!” she declares, nose crinkling. “Auntie Rina say I look like big girl now, see my hair?” She scoops the glossy curls forward; they spill over her shoulders in caramel ropes, ends tied with tiny sunflower bows. “It’s long-long, almost touch my tummy! An’ look, pretty twirly dress, all sparkles, just ‘cause I wanna be bootiful for Mama kisses.” She twirls once, skirt fanning like a lemon-yellow flower, then clutches your hands to her heart. “You notice, Mama? You notice I match you? We both gots long hair and sparkly eyes and our smiles go up-up on the same side!” She taps her own dimple, then yours, sighing, “Serin look like her mama, an’ I look like mine. I pretty ‘cause you pretty, ‘cause you my Mama, see?”
The purity of her certainty fractures something tender in your chest. Blood may not bind you, yet her belief stitches tighter than any gene. Tears slip free, starlight on your lashes, as you stroke her ribboned curls. “Yes, baby, I see,” you whisper, voice trembling with love. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, and every bit of that beauty reminds me I’m the luckiest Mama alive.” You kiss her bows, her dimple, the tip of her freckled nose, sealing her truth to your bones.
Jaemin’s arms wrap around you both, sealing the circle. His hand, warm and sure, cups the back of Haeun’s head, thumb stroking the silky swirl of curls at her crown. She leans into the touch, lashes half-mast, but her mouth keeps puddling out baby love in breathy puffs: how she’s saving grape stickers just for you, how Pops promised to build a backyard barre, how ballet shoes are “pink like sunrise jelly” and she’ll do the Bunny Hop recital “only if Mama claps the loudest.” Tiny fingers trace the outline of your jaw, the pulse at your neck, the curve of your lip, each touch a vow that she will tether you here. Beneath her cheek your hearts sync, thudding a duet older than lullabies, steadier than tides. You breathe her in, strawberry soap, warm milk, faint whiff of crayon and Jaemin’s tears land in your hair like holy water. For the first time since the sea tried to keep you, every breath, every beat, every bunny-soft giggle feels like the world clicking back into its rightful orbit, bright and whole and impossibly alive.
The door swings wide with a soft hydraulic hiss, and the world beyond your tight little bubble rushes in on the scent of after-shave and autumn air. You lift your head, mid-kiss, tears still jeweled on your lashes and there he stands. Your father fills the threshold like a memory given shape: silver at the temples, cardigan buttons misaligned in his haste, eyes the exact warm hazel that lives in every sunbeam of your childhood. For a heartbeat you forget how to breathe. Haeun’s head pops up, curls bouncing, and she squeals so high it warbles the monitor. “Pops!” She wriggles to her knees on the mattress, flinging stubby arms wide. Your father’s face crumples with wonder; he crosses the room in three strides, careful of lines and rails, and folds her into a hug that looks as natural as if he’d been doing it since her first breath.
Tears spill faster, blurring the scene to soft watercolors. “Daddy…” Your voice breaks on the word, too small, too raw.
Jaemin’s palm finds the back of your head, thumb stroking where hair thins around the IV port; he whispers, “Breathe, love,” but his own breath stutters, warm against your ear.
You reach out, tangling fingers in your father’s sleeve. “I’m sorry,” you start, the confession tumbling out in a rush. “I was scared to tell you. Everything happened so fast, becoming Hauen’s Mama, falling in love with Jaemin, the adoption plans, her surgeries, my internship, I wanted it to be perfect before I showed you.”
Your father hushes you with a gentle squeeze, one hand ruffling Haeun’s curls, the other wrapping around your wrist, calluses familiar as lullabies. “No apologies,” he murmurs, voice rough with feeling. “The only thing that matters is that you’re here, and she’s here, and I finally—” He breaks off, clearing his throat, then smiles at Haeun, soft crow’s-feet, eyes shining. “And I finally get to meet the little spark who made my girl a mother.”
Haeun leans back so she can see you both, cheeks glossy with happy tears. “Pops, this my Mama,” she announces, as if revealing royalty. “And I’m her sunshine. See? We match dimples!” She presses a finger to her own and then to yours, giggling.
You tuck her closer, one arm bracketing her like a shield, and ease her tiny hand into your father’s larger grip. “Daddy, this is my baby girl, my sunshine, my heart with feet—Nana Haeun,” you murmur, possessive pride thrumming in every syllable. “Our fearless heart-warrior, tutu-twirling ballerina, bunny-cuddling cuddle-thief, sticker queen, and notorious pancake bandit.”
She beams, dimples like commas in her cheeks. “Hiya, Pops,” she chirps, pronouncing the p like a soft bubble. “I got long hair now an’ Dr. Huang says my heart goes boom-boom super strong!”
Haeun’s words tumble out like bright marbles, each one shining with pride. “Pops, I’m Nana Haeun, Mama’s sunshine and Daddy’s pancake-stealer,” she declares, tapping each title on her fingers. “I help Papa water the sunflowers, and Dada lets me stir the pancake batter ‘til my arm goes wibble-wobble. Mama, when I cried for you at night, Pops tells me stories ’bout when Mama was little, he say you wore yellow bows just like me!” She tips her head back so the new bows on her curls flicker in the light, then leans in, voice softening. “Pops showed me pictures of Halmeoni too. She looked so happy, but Pops said her head is owie now, so when I see her she maybe won’t know my name.” A tremor pinches her dimples flat; her hand tightens around yours.
You stroke her knuckles with your thumb and press a kiss to the warm crown of her head. “Halmeoni’s memory gets tangled sometimes, baby, but her heart still knows love. When she sees you, she will feel that love even if the words hide. And I’ll be right there to tell her your name, over and over, until it sticks again.” Haeun breathes out, the shiver easing beneath your palm, and snuggles deeper against you, content, for now, to believe that love is strong enough to keep every name safe.
Your father’s smile trembles; he bends, planting a kiss on your brow first, salted with your tears then puckers at Haeun. She purses her lips, eyes squeezed shut in exaggerated ceremony, and receives her welcome kiss with a delighted squeak. “Most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” he tells her, then taps her nose. “Tied with your Mama, of course.”
He turns to you again, voice low. “You did good, baby. She’s brave, bright and she’s got your stubborn light.” Jaemin slips an arm around your waist; your father notices, extends his hand. The two men share a long clasp, a silent exchange of gratitude and guardianship. Jaemin’s shoulders ease, and a breath he didn’t know he held escapes between trembling lips.
Haeun tugs your father’s sleeve. “Pops, Mama needs a Pops kiss too ‘cause she missed them all this time.” Laughter ripples through the room, soft, healing. Your dad presses another kiss, warm and certain, to the center of your forehead; you breathe in cedar and mint and all the Saturdays he spent teaching you kite strings and constellations. “I’m proud of you,” he whispers. “Of the surgeon you are, the Mother and partner you’ve become, the family you’ve built.” Your throat closes; you mouth a thank-you against his shoulder as Jaemin rubs slow circles between your shoulder blades.
The three of them, your partner, your father, your daughter, form a constellation around you, and for the first time since the sea tried to claim you, you feel gravity settle someplace safe. Jaemin kisses the crown of your head; Haeun pats your cheeks with sticky devotion; your father’s steady hand anchors the blanket at your hip. Outside, the monitor keeps time, but inside, the room swells with a sound older and truer than any machine: the layered heartbeats of a family that, despite every fracture, has mended into something stronger than blood.
Tears stream down your face, thick and relentless, the kind that blur everything into watercolor light, and you clutch Haeun so close her curls tangle with your fingers. Your voice shakes as you whisper, “Daddy, you met Haeun, you really met her.” The reality is staggering, you’d dreamed of this, dreaded it, spent so many nights turning it over in your head, never believing your two worlds would ever touch, never letting yourself hope that your father’s gentle hands would steady your daughter, that he’d see her bright eyes and laugh and call her his sunshine too.
Haeun squirms deeper into your arms, her curls fluffing under your chin as she wriggles until she finds the exact hollow she likes, then she lets out a string of giggles that burst and flutter, impossible to catch. “Mama, we do big circle now, me, you, Dada, Pops,” she announces, patting each of you with hands as soft as marshmallows. “Circle holdy-hands so the windy dark can’t blow us ‘way. Pops stand here, Dada tall like giraffe, Mama soft like blankie, an’ me the teeny sunshine in da middle—peek!” She ducks beneath your chin, then pops up again, dimples flashing so bright you think the sun must be tucked behind her teeth. “If circle stays squishy-tight, nobody go boom-boom, nobody get lost, an’ we all glow like night-light hearts, okay?” She leans close, pressing her forehead to yours, laughter tumbling out of her like silver bells. “See, easy-peasy! Just keep holdin’—never let go.”
You cup her round cheeks, feeling the tremor of her heartbeat under your thumbs, and nod with absolute seriousness, as if her circle-plan is the wisest map in existence. “Easy-peasy,” you whisper back, letting your forehead rest against hers until your breaths braid together. “Nothing can break us while we’re holding on.” Her joy ripples through you both, tiny, ringing, untouchable. You kiss the tip of her nose, sealing the promise as she beams up at you, the room hazy with warmth and laughter.
The four of you tumble together, giggles tangling into hugs, Pops’ hands squeezing your shoulders, Jaemin’s cheek pressed to the crown of your head, Haeun’s limbs winding through yours, all of you pressed in tight, a mess of kisses, tears, hair in eyes, and the breathless sound of family stitched back together after too long apart. Haeun sings nonsense under her breath, clapping her hands, until Jaemin lifts her high, spinning her in the sunlight, her laughter trailing as Pops grins and tickles her feet, your hand never letting go of hers. You feel tears on your cheeks and don’t bother wiping them away, not when they fall into Haeun’s hair, not when every drop feels like sunlight instead of rain.
Then, as though the quiet itself were a loom and fate had just pulled a luminous thread through every breath, a voice drifts across the room, soft as sea-foam at dawn, bright as the first note of birdsong, yet carrying the ancient gravity of a star’s orbit and you realize, with a trembling wonder, that you have been listening for this sound all your life without knowing it: the small, earnest call that fits perfectly into the hollow of your name, the echo of a promise whispered long before either of you could speak, a hush-born miracle that turns the air to gold and tells your heart, in a language older than words, that it has finally come home. “Mama?” It’s fragile, threadbare, so vulnerable you almost think you imagined it. But every body in the room goes still, laughter swallowed, the world funnelling down to the boy standing at the threshold, his sneakers soaked and sandy, his eyes wide and blue as a midwinter sky, cheeks sunken, hair mussed, mouth trembling at the corners. For a second you can’t breathe. Haeun and Pops and Jaemin melt into the periphery, the light shifting, the world pivoting on the axis of your son.
You gasp, your voice gone thin and shaking, “Minjoon,” and the word tastes like gold in your mouth, bright and aching. There’s yellow everywhere—the sunlight through the window, the lemon on his t-shirt, the band of his bunny pressed flat in his fist, his hair caught gold-bright where it meets the blue of his eyes. He looks at you as if he’s afraid you’ll vanish, as if he’s walked through storms to get here, and in a way, he has. Everyone makes space for him, the room bending so it’s just the two of you, and Minjoon’s voice trembles as he says, “I came to find you, Mama. I tried to visit, I went on the bus, I asked the driver and the lady in the shop and the man with the hat—” his words tumble out, small and shaking, “I saw you once when you were asleep, that’s when I met Dr. Nana and Haeunie, that’s when you didn’t wake up yet and I thought maybe you forgot me but then I needed to come back and see if you were here. I’m so happy to see that you’re awake now.” He rubs his nose with the back of his hand, blinking fast. “I just wanted to see you. I was thinking about you so much.”
You reach for him and he launches forward, climbing straight into your lap as if no time has passed at all, his bunny squashed between you, his face hidden in your neck. He’s crying and talking all at once. “I’m sorry, Mama, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault you had to dive into the water, I didn’t mean to lose bunny, I didn’t mean for you to get hurt—”
You hold him, rocking him gently, whispering, “Oh, Minjoonie, sweetheart, none of it was your fault. I would have done it a hundred times just to get to you. I don’t regret a single thing.” You nuzzle his nose with yours, kissing his damp hair, your tears falling onto his cheeks as you cradle him. Jaemin kneels beside you, hand on Minjoon’s back, and Pops wipes his own eyes with the back of his sleeve, no one daring to break the spell of reunion. You murmur every reassurance you can, smoothing his hair, telling him over and over how proud you are, how loved, how wanted he always is.
The moment settles under a hush so light it feels spun from candle smoke, every monitor pulse receding until only breath and soft fabric rustles remain. Haeun curls deeper into Pops’ arms, the crook of his elbow cradling her as though she were a tiny bloom folded for the night; her fingers roam the map of his face, tracing the smile lines beside his mouth, pinching the shell of his ear, tapping the silver glint of his wedding band, each touch small and sure, claiming beloved territory. She presses her cheek to his collar, eyelashes brushing his shirt in slow blinks, yet her gaze never drifts from the gentle tableau across the room: you and the rain-laughter boy stitched back together in a circle of quiet awe. In the hush she drifts backward through memory, little reels of night-bright hallway sliding behind her eyes, where fluorescent ceiling bulbs had looked like jellyfish, pulsing and pale, and the linoleum’s moonlit gloss turned her sneaker squeaks into boat-oars tapping quiet water.
She remembers how she used to wander those passages while Mama slept, tilting her head for any echo that sounded the way her own footsteps felt: half-lonely, half-hopeful, as if a twin rhythm might appear and braid with hers. She recalls how she built a brother out of whispers: first a laugh that plinked like rain in a tin bucket, then a pair of hands that knew the rules of hide-and-seek without needing to be told, then a promise—soft and secret—that someone else would understand why hospital shadows sometimes looked like dragons guarding treasure. Now, pressed to Pops’ heartbeat, she feels that wish glide feather-light into her chest: no spike of jealousy, no crack of thunder—only the velvet certainty that love, like ripe fruit, splits its skin not to lose sweetness but to share it. In her small wisdom she decides Mama’s heart is dough that rises bigger every time someone knocks gently on the door; deciding this makes her lips curve, and she whispers into Pops’ collar that she’s glad the hallways echoed, glad she kept her ears open, because the boy from her jellyfish dreams has finally stepped into the lamp-warm circle of their family table and there is still plenty of room for another chair.
Pops threads careful fingers through her curls, humming a tune that sounds of low tide and porch lights; the steady drum of his heart beats against her ear, larger than any lullaby, and she fits her palm to his heartbeat the way a seal fits to wax. The room tastes of antiseptic and apple slices, yet under all of it she senses the slow bloom of something brave and golden—love stretching its limbs, yawning into new corners. She lifts her head, curls tickling Pops’ chin, and with a solemnity that feels older than her two springs she nudges the stubbled curve of his jaw, whispering, “He’s the other melody, Pops. Mama sings for two hearts now, moon and sun together. It feels warm here.” Her words float between them like dandelion seeds glimmering against dark velvet, gently settling over every shoulder in the room. Pops smiles into her hair, seals her thought with a kiss to her crown, and she sighs—a tiny puff of gratitude—before returning to her quiet study of you and Minjoon, thumb rubbing lazy circles over the pulse in Pops’ wrist, anchoring the new constellation she senses hanging in the air: four points, one sky, bright enough to guide any dreamer home.
Haeun presses her cheek to Pops’ chest, voice small and sleepy-sweet. “Pops, he’s our extra song,” she murmurs, lips brushing the fabric of his shirt. “Mama got two heart songs now—one moon, one sunny.” She pats her own chest, then his, as if showing where the tunes live. “Feels all toasty here.”
Pops’ chuckle rumbles under her ear. “Sure does, little peach, warm like fresh bread,” he answers, smoothing a curl away from her eyes. “Two songs make a bigger dance, huh?”
She nods so hard her bunny charm jingles. “Big big dance,” she whispers, as if it’s a secret the hallway lights might steal. Her words drift up like dandelion fluff, soft and bright, settling over them in a hush of shared wonder. Pops kisses the top of her head, sealing the thought, and she sighs—just a tiny puff—before resuming her quiet watch, thumb drawing lazy circles over the beat in his wrist, certain their sky has room for every new star.
Haeun wriggles out of Pops’ hug with a determined little grunt, bunny charm jingling like a pocket-sized tambourine, and plants her sock-clad feet in the middle of the floor, one heel on the tile, the other toe pointed someplace that only makes sense to her. She throws her arms overhead in what might be a ballerina’s fifth position if ballerinas wobbled like jelly, then giggles so hard the pose collapses into a wiggle that starts at her shoulders, rolls through her tummy, and ends in a proud bum-shake that makes her skirt flutter like a baby bird. “Watch, Pops! Boom-boom dance!” she declares, scooting sideways with quick little penguin steps, hips swishing, curls bouncing, bunny ear flopping. She tries a twirl but over-spins, landing in a squat that pops back up with a squeak and a triumphant, gap-toothed grin. She wiggles her fingers like sprinkling fairy dust, then shuffles forward on bent knees—clomp, clomp, clomp—before tipping onto her toes for three tip-tap hops that leave her giggling breathless. “My heart goes boom-boom, boom-boom—see? It makes me do this!” She demonstrates with another exuberant shimmy, then blows an exaggerated kiss toward your bed, nose scrunched, eyes shining, before scoot-scooting back to Pops, bumping his leg with her hip, and darting out again for one more wobbly spin. Each giggle puddles onto the linoleum like syrupy sunshine, every wiggle stitching soft stardust through the hush of the ward, proof that her bright little heart will keep drumming joy into the room for as long as your eyes stay open to see it.
Mid–wiggle, Haeun twirls halfway around and bats her lashes at you, cheeks glowing pink. “I’m dancin’ for you and Minjoonie,” she chirps, voice all bubbles and hush, “’cause I’m happy he’s gettin’ Mama cuddles.” The confession is so earnest it lands like confetti in the quiet room. You reach out, smoothing a stray curl behind her ear, thumb tracing the silk of her baby hair. She beams, twirling one last bum–shake before scooting back to Pops with a satisfied sigh.
Pressed against your chest, Minjoon stirs at the sound of her laughter. Half-asleep, he murmurs into the fabric of your gown, voice small, dream-heavy, but sure. “Mama’s warm… smells like the shore so don’t let go.” The words feather against your skin, and you smile into Haeun’s bright eyes, your palm still cupping her curls, knowing her boom-boom dance and his drowsy promise have stitched this moment tight around all three of you.
You swipe a trembling tear from your cheek just as Minjoon murmurs “Mama” against your collarbone, no jolt of surprise, only the clean click of something ancient sliding home because he has always been yours, the tide-chosen shard that matches the broken edge in your own heart; together you are sea-glass blue, made smooth by the same storm, glimmering where the waves once shattered you both, and in the hush of this room his small fists knot in your gown as if he’s afraid the current might steal you back, while your arms cinch tighter, sealing the vow that fate and salt water wrote long before you breathed his name, an irresistible gravity stitching mother and son into one unbreakable line of horizon. You press a kiss into the warm crown of his hair, voice steady and low. “I’m not going anywhere, Minjoonie, Mama’s right here.”
He stirs, blinking up at you, surprise widening his sea-blue eyes. “But… how do you know my name?” he whispers, fingers absently twisting the edge of your gown.
You smooth one palm down his back in little circles and let a smile curl across your lips. “My boyfriend told me,” you say, tipping your chin toward the tall figure beside the bed. “See that nice doctor right there? That’s Na Jaemin. He’s the one who let you peek in on me while I was asleep.”
Jaemin’s eyes soften; he gives Minjoon a gentle two-finger salute and a shy grin. Minjoon’s cheek blooms pink as he burrows closer, voice turning awed. “He helped me find you.”
You nod, brushing a stray curl from his temple. “He did and he’s yours, too, whenever you need him. He fixes brave hearts for a living.”
Minjoon’s tiny gasp feathers against your collarbone; he turns his head, peeking past your arm. “He’s really nice,” he murmurs, half to himself.
You shift your weight, cradling him so he can see Haeun still perched in Pops’ lap, her bunny charm jingling, curls bobbing as she wiggles a wave. “And that beautiful girl?” you whisper. “That’s my baby that I told you about at the beach, my Haeun, your new partner in mischief.” Haeun grins so wide her dimples show, blowing an exaggerated kiss. Minjoon’s shy fingers flutter a return wave, the two of them locking eyes like conspirators.
“That’s Pops,” you add, nodding to the silver-haired man cradling Haeun. “He’s our steady rock. Loves jelly-bean bribes and late-night stories.” Pops winks, ruffling Haeun’s curls as if to prove the point.
Minjoon lifts his head from your shoulder just enough to peek at Haeun across the bed, voice hushed and earnest, the words tumbling out like little marbles of wonder. “She’s really nice, Mama, her heart goes boom-boom like a drum, but gentle, like it’s humming a song for me. She smells like oatmeal cookies and sunshine, like warm, happy soap.” He rubs his nose, shy grin stretching wide. “Her dress is soft, like clouds, and she shared her bunny and every single crayon, even the shiny gold one. I never had so many toys before.” He presses closer to you, eyes bright. “She let me hold the sparkle sticker, too. Said there’s always enough shiny stuff if we stick together.”
Minjoon tucks his face into the crook of your neck, breathing you in, then whispers, almost reverent, “They’re both so nice.” You hug him tighter, your forearm snug beneath his legs, his heartbeat settling under your palm, while Jaemin’s hand slides along the small of your back, a silent promise anchoring all three of you. In that tangle of limbs and soft breaths, you feel the new constellation click into place: daughter gleaming like sunrise, boy shimmering like tide-lit moon, and the doctor you love orbiting close, every star within reach.
“I know,” you say softly, letting your fingers brush through Minjoon’s hair. “They really are the softest people, my baby girl, she’s all sunshine and sticky hugs and makes even the worst days feel sweet. And Jaemin is everything gentle, he holds us together when I feel like falling apart. I love them so much, sometimes it actually hurts. And you, Minjoonie… you fit right in with us. It’s like you belong, even though we haven’t had much time. I can’t explain it, but I feel it in my chest, same as with them. After everything we’ve gone through, all the times I thought I might lose Haeun, I just don’t want to wait or risk losing anything else. I want you with us, for good. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe, because when I love someone this much, I don’t let go.” You draw Minjoon closer, eyes misting as you marvel at how gently he nestles into the same tender place reserved for Jaemin and Haeun, proof that his presence carries the very softness that steadies your world. Loving them has taught you that certain bonds announce themselves without history, and his quiet trust slides into your heart as naturally as breath. After staring down loss, your own brush with darkness, Haeun’s five narrow escapes, you no longer barter with time: every signature will be inked, every door rattled, every rule bent until the paperwork echoes what your chest already knows. Minjoon belongs in this constellation, and you will spend every heartbeat making sure no one, not even fate, tries to pull him away again.
You nuzzle Minjoon’s hair while your gaze drifts to Jaemin, protective frame curved possessively toward you, eyes always searching your face like he’s afraid to miss a single flutter and your heart swells at the memory of his hands smoothing every knot in the night, his voice humming lullabies until dawn finally exhaled. Beside him, Haeun is pure honeyed light, the sweetest gravity: her giggles stick to the walls like confetti, her sticky fingers never hesitate to share the last crayon, and her sleepy kisses land on your cheek as gentle as falling petals. Together they’re the warm lamp you reach for in every storm, Jaemin’s steady tide pulling your heartbeat into calm, Haeun’s sunrise laughter spilling over the edges of any darkness—and in their love, you feel the world soften to velvet, wide enough, at last, for every one of your breaths.
At the mention of her name, Haeun perks up in Pops’ lap, dimples flashing. She cups her hands around her mouth like a megaphone. “Mama, tell him I’m extra nice!” she chirps, then wriggles free, scampering over with bunny charm jingling. She flings one arm around your neck, the other around Minjoon’s shoulders, squeezing until you’re all nose-to-nose. “Hi, brother!” she giggles, cheeks glowing. “Mama says my heart does boom-booms and glitter, wanna feel?” She drags Minjoon’s palm to her chest—he gasps at the steady drum and you feel his shoulders loosen as he grins into her curls. Haeun plants a quick kiss on your jaw, then on Minjoon’s temple, before declaring, “See? Family makes hearts louder!” Jaemin slides closer, hand gliding up your spine in a quiet echo of promise, while Pops watches from his chair, a soft laugh rumbling in his chest. You breathe them all in, apple shampoo, baby powder, the faint cologne Jaemin wears like a lighthouse in stormy seas and think the universe must have bent every star just right, because here you are, wrapped in four small arms and one steady one, the night outside forgotten, every constellational dot exactly where it belongs.
Minjoon’s voice wobbles like a violin string pulled too tight as he burrows into your collar, salty tears spotting your gown. “Mama,” he sniffles, little shoulders quaking, “I don’t wanna go back—please.” He takes a shaky breath, words spilling in a rush. “My dad gets mad and hits me hard, and I’m scared ’cause my bones feel like twigs and I can’t hide fast enough. I wanna stay here where it’s warm and smells like cookies and you hold me gently.” He hiccups, wiping his eyes with a knuckle. “Sorry for begging and sorry if I’m annoying. I just… I never felt this safe before.” His plea hangs fragile in the quiet, like a paper star you’re terrified will crumple.
You press your palm to the nape of his neck, steady, grounding and kiss the crown of his hair. “Sweetheart, you’re never annoying. Your voice is precious to me.” Your own tears blur the room, but your tone stays sure, weaving promise into every syllable. “I hear you, Minjoonie, and I’ll fight with everything I have. I’m going to talk to the people who can help, and we’ll work so you can stay right here—where your heart can rest and your bones can grow strong.” He sniffles again, a tiny sound of hope, and nuzzles closer.
“Okay, Mama,” he whispers at last, voice feather-light. “Good night. I hope I wake up and you’re still here.”
You tuck the blanket higher around his shoulders, smoothing a curl away from his damp cheek. “I’ll be here,” you promise, letting the words settle over him like a lullaby. His lashes flutter closed, and in the hush that follows, you feel the weight of his trust, fragile as spun sugar yet anchoring you both to the bright shore you’re determined to reach together.
Minjoon presses a soft, sleepy kiss to your cheek, tiny fingers still bunched in your gown as if afraid to loosen his grip, and whispers, “Night-night, Mama, love you big-big.” The words land warm and weighty against your skin, and as his lashes flutter closed he breathes “Mama” one more time, half-sigh, half-promise, before sinking into sleep against your heart, leaving it aching and full in the sweetest way.
He calls you Mama because when you knelt on that windy beach, soaked to the knees and still smiling, you became proof that grown-ups could run toward a crying kid instead of away. In his world of slammed doors and weak apologies, you were the first person who didn’t flinch at his tears, the first set of arms that stayed open even after he’d wiped his nose on your sleeve. That moment rewrote the word for him: Mama stopped meaning biology and started meaning safe landing, no questions asked. He tries it out like a fragile shell, “Ma-ma?”—and every time you answer, another crack in him seals over. He calls you Mama because your heartbeat under his ear is the only lullaby he’s ever trusted. Nightmares taught him that love could vanish quicker than lights at bedtime, but your hand always finds the back of his neck, your thumbs always trace slow circles on his spine, and suddenly the dark feels smaller. When he whispers the word, he’s really asking: Is it okay that I’m still here? Your quiet “Yes, sweetheart,” tucks him in tighter than any blanket, and the question starts turning into a declaration—I’m yours.
He calls you Mama because with you, belonging isn’t something he has to barter. No chores to earn hugs, no silence to keep peace, just pancakes shaped like dinosaurs, shared stickers, and a space on the couch that’s always, always his. The word becomes a soft key he keeps in his pocket, one that will open a door to the smell of blueberry shampoo in his sister’s curls and the steady warmth of his Daddy’s laugh in the kitchen. Mama says the family photo now has room for four, and the ink is already dry. Saying it is the bravest thing he does each day and hearing you answer is the bravest thing you’ll protect for the rest of his life.
Haeun uncurls from Pops’ lap with slow, determined grace, the sort children save for secret missions, and tiptoes over until she is nose to nose with the sleeping boy. Her bunny charm gives a tinkling jingle with every step. She cups it in her hand and whispers, “Shh, Bunny, no jingles, baby brother’s resting,” then taps the plush ear as if it can understand. “We’re on quiet patrol,” she adds, eyes wide with importance. The charm stays still, and Haeun nods once, satisfied, before leaning close to smooth the blanket at Minjoon’s chin.
She pulls the blanket to Minjoon’s chin, then fluffs it with both hands until a little cloud of warmth forms around him. She presses Bunny to her chest like a tiny choir partner, when she’s satisfied, she places two fingers on her own throat, finds the quiet hum of her favorite nursery tune, and begins to sing. “Boom-boom heart, sleep so sweet, jelly bean dreams for little feet,” rocking side to side with miniature ballerina sways; each word floats out on a giggle-sigh, punctuated by soft “shh-shh” pats to his blanket, and when she reaches the end she plants a kiss on Bunny’s nose, nods solemnly, and finishes with a hushed promise: “night-night, baby brother, sunshine’s here to keep the shadows small.” The melody is soft enough to blend with the monitor’s hush, words blending into gentle nonsense syllables of jelly beans, sunshine, and brave hearts. Though she’s barely older than Minjoon by the span of a single season, she sways like a practiced guardian, eyes half-closed, curls dusting his cheek each time she leans in to check that his breathing stays even.
When the lullaby finishes, she presses a shy kiss to his forehead, then lifts her head to you with an earnest sparkle. “Night night, baby brother,” she whispers, though the whisper barely contains her excitement. “Mama, I helped him get all snug, so the shadows can’t find him.” She adjusts his blanket one last time, then scampers back to the side of the bed, climbing up beside you with a little grunt of effort. Her hands land on your arm, warm and sticky from apple slices. “Mama, am I helping? Are you proud of me? I didn’t cry, I didn’t get jealous. Your heart is big enough for two babies and I ready to be a big sissy like Chaeunie, Mama!” She pats her chest as proof, cheeks flushed from exertion, eyes shimmering with pride and a hint of worry that you might not agree.
Haeun tucks her toes under her bum, thumb slipping to her mouth for a quick comfort suck before she remembers to be “big,” wiping the shine on Bunny’s ear with a conspirator’s grin. She pats Minjoon’s blanket one more time, then turns to you, lips scrunched, cheeks apple-round and glowing. “Mama,” she begins, voice soft and serious in the way children believe can move mountains, “Pops always says sharing is caring, like when I give Dada the last blueberry and he smiles all squinchy.” Her eyes sparkle, lashes fluttering. “So I wanna share you and Dada now, ’cause Mama love goes whoosh, all big and warm, and Dada hugs are like squishy clouds, and it’s mean to keep all the clouds just to me.” She wiggles her fingers to show the whoosh, giggles bubbling up from her chest. “And Chaeunie is such a good big sissy, so I need to practice too. I can hold bottles and sing boom-boom songs and even give Bunny turns, promise.” She leans over to kiss Minjoon’s forehead, little nose wrinkling as she sniffs the soap scent in his hair. “See? He smells like pancakes. Pancakes need syrup, and syrup is hugs, and I got lots.” She pops her thumb back into her mouth for a second, eyes bright and hopeful, then pulls it free with a soft smack. “It’s okay to share Mama now, ’cause my heart got stretchy. It’s like jelly and jelly can fit two spoon scoops easy.”
“Come here, little jelly-heart,” you murmur, scooping her close and nuzzling the tip of her nose. “Your kindness makes room for everyone, and it fills Mama’s chest with light. I’m so proud of how you wrap love around us, how you sing, how you share, how you make the world softer without even trying. You’re going to be the best big sister, my bright helper, my cuddle captain. Thank you for knowing that Mama’s love only grows. I love you more than all the blueberries and bunny kisses in the world.” Your arms fold around her, pulling her across Minjoon so both children nestle against you, the warm sandwich of their small bodies making your ribs ache with contentment. Haeun’s giggle tickles your throat as she nuzzles your nose, declaring in a puff of breath that she will help feed bottles, read stories, and keep Bunny’s ears clean. Her seriousness makes you laugh until tears gather again, though this time they taste of relief rather than fear.
Jaemin watches from the opposite side of the bed, his smile quiet and wide enough to hold every shimmering ripple of the moment. He bends forward, brushes Minjoon’s hair away from his brow, then kisses your lips, lingering only a heartbeat before pulling back to look into your eyes. Without a word he mouths the intention that has been beating in both your chests since the boy arrived, “let’s adopt him.” The strength in his gaze sends a tremor through you, a joy so sudden that air seems to fizz inside your lungs. You nod once, then again, feeling the promise settle like warm weight across your shoulders. Together you have faced too many thin lines between life and loss, too many nights counting Haeun’s breaths, too many hours wondering whether tomorrow would stretch far enough to hold your love. There is no reason to wait for permission from a clock that has already taken enough.
You lean into Jaemin’s palm, anchor yourself in the gentle sweep of his thumb along your cheek, and return his kiss with a silent yes. Above the hush of the monitors, Haeun sighs a sleepy mmm, cuddling closer, whispering that her new brother smells like rain and pancakes. Minjoon shifts, ever so slightly, and murmurs your name before sinking deeper against your heartbeat. Jaemin covers the three of you with one broad hand, and in that circle of skin and breath, the future feels wide enough to hold every wish: Haeun’s dream of endless sparkle stickers, Minjoon’s hope for mornings without fear, and your own decision that from this night forward nothing and no one will come between the four points of this newly drawn family. For the first time in so long you let yourself believe—truly, deeply—that you are all home, held fast together, nothing missing, nothing lost. The circle closes, unbreakable, and Minjoon falls asleep in your arms to the sound of your heartbeat, your lips at his temple, the promise of family soft as breath and fierce as dawn.
The weeks before your discharge, the ward transforms into something feral: fluorescent bulbs flicker like witch-fires, and the corridors lengthen into tunnels where voices echo as if spoken from a cave’s throat. A stone-faced caseworker arrives in a storm-gray coat, signing papers with ink that bleeds the color of old bruises, and Minjoon is lifted from your arms before you can finish whispering his name. He reaches for you, fingers spreading like fractured wings, but the distance swallows sound; the monitor’s flatline hiss becomes a hungry wind, and every promise you made, safe bed, warm pancakes, a forever home, shatters against the tiles like glass spun too thin. As he disappears around the corner, the ceiling yawns open in your mind’s eye, a black maw gnawed by crows, and you’re left clutching air that smells of iodine and grief, tasting the iron tang of your own failure while the ward’s lights hum with something that feels almost demonic, as though the building itself is feeding on your broken vow.
The days after the goodbye are a tangle of restless, shattering nights. You and Jaemin pacing, cell phones glued to your palms, voices hushed and frantic through midnight hours as you dial every lawyer, caseworker, and social worker whose number you can find. Every room is always lit by the blue flicker of the laptop screen, files and policies open side by side, government websites and forum threads, lists of documents you’ve submitted twice already. You leave voicemails in cracked, desperate voices, promising you’ll do anything, pay anything, just to keep Minjoon home. Every conversation hits the same dead end: your record, your flagged file, the dark marks of what you did for Haeun, a mother’s crime born of love, not malice, are still red-inked and fresh in every database. The caseworker’s voice is gentle, apologetic: “You can’t foster or adopt at this time. The flags are too recent. I’m sorry.” That last word lands like a bruise.
The nights break you. Sometimes you sleep upright on the hospital bed, body aching, phone still in your fist. Other nights you sob into Jaemin’s shoulder, mouth pressed to the soft space under his jaw so your cries won’t wake the ward. You taste your heartbreak in every silence, feel the weight of your own promise shattering—Mama will keep you safe, always—and now you are faced with a promise you can’t keep. Jaemin tries to anchor you, arms strong and steady, but his own eyes are rimmed red; he isn’t used to failing, and it marks him. The bed becomes a place of quiet misery, the two of you holding each other and whispering the names of every judge, every loophole, every impossible hope until exhaustion finally wins.
The morning you have to explain, you sit cross-legged on the rug, Haeun in your lap and Minjoon curled small against your side. You keep your voice as gentle as you can, smoothing Haeun’s hair, tracing slow circles on Minjoon’s back as you try to find words. “Sometimes,” you begin, “even when we love someone with our whole hearts, grown-ups have rules they have to follow. Minjoonie, some very kind people are going to take care of you for a while. They have a soft bed, and brothers and sisters, and they’re going to keep you safe. You’re always, always in our hearts, even if you’re not in our house.” You promise him the new family will love him, that there will be pancakes and bedtime stories, and you swear to call, to write, to never forget.
The goodbye is every nightmare you’ve ever had about letting go. Minjoon tries to be brave, he pulls his backpack on himself, holds Bunny tight to his chest, and waves with a shaky hand but his face crumples, tears running down in streaks as he wails, “Mama, don’t let me go, please, please.” You kneel, holding him so tightly you think you’ll never breathe again.
Haeun sobs into your side, clutching your shirt, babbling, “Don’t leave, don’t leave, Minjoonie my baby brother.” The foster parent waits by the car, gentle but distant, already thinking of the next meal, the next errand.
You kiss Minjoon’s cheeks, his forehead, his knuckles, and try to smile as you whisper, “It’s going to be okay, you’ll find family there too, I promise. I love you, always.”
You spend days raw and emptied. Haeun cries herself to sleep at night, clinging to you with a grip that bruises, demanding extra lullabies and extra Bunny cuddles. She draws pictures of her brother, stick figures holding hands, houses with too many windows, a family of four even though there are only three at the table now. Jaemin tries to keep the house quiet, tucks notes in your coat pocket. ‘We’re still here, I love you,’ but nothing fills the space Minjoon left. The apartment is too clean, the toys stacked wrong, the laughter thinner than it used to be.
For a while, selfishly, you try to move forward. Recovery is a heavy fog: your body is still battered, ribs aching, lungs tender, the scars of your near-death lingering in every breath. Haeun is still a storm of need and tenderness—her medical checkups, her demands for attention, her questions about what families mean. The world keeps spinning, dishes still need washing, work calls resume. You fill out the forms you can, return the calls you must, and remind yourself that healing means learning to live with absence. There are days when the memory of Minjoon is just a dull ache in your chest and other days when you see a little boy on the street and have to duck into a doorway just to breathe. Yet the grief never leaves for long. Some nights you wake up reaching for him, sure he’s just out of sight. Some afternoons Haeun asks for her brother with a clear, serious voice, and you pull her into your lap and hold her until her questions turn to dreams. Jaemin never stops checking his email, hoping for a call, a letter, a sign that something has changed. And through all of it, the three of you keep a space at the table, a place in your hearts, hoping that someday the rules will bend and you can bring Minjoon home for good.
You’re forced, in the bleakest sense, to bury thoughts of Minjoon beneath the layers of grief and anesthesia, told by nurses and Jaemin and every voice that loves you that sadness like this will rot your body from the inside out—slow your healing, drop your sats, risk the new line between life and the cold. Still, the ache gnaws at your chest in the demon hours: you’re stuck in a hospital bed, lungs never quite filling, ribs sore where monitors cling, days blurring under too-white lights and too-thin sheets, and every time you close your eyes the grief for a boy who isn’t dead (who you know is somewhere out there, breathing, crying, calling for you) slithers in, silent and sharp. No one comforts you for mourning the living, no one brings flowers for a wound that can’t be stitched, and you’re left clutching the hollow ache—reciting his name in the silence, whispering prayers for him into the pillow, hoping your heartbeat alone can reach across the city. You swallow your sobs, try to smile for Haeun, because if you slip too far, if the sorrow gets its claws in, your own second chance might vanish, and the doctors will whisper that you never really wanted to survive.
Guilt sits inside your lungs like wet cement: you had only just shaped the words, “I will keep you safe, I swear it,” and already the promise was stripped away, as if someone pressed rewind on your breath and shattered it back into syllables. You see Minjoon’s face every time you blink, his trust bright as a match in a storm, and feel the moment the social worker pried him loose, like ripping a seam you hadn’t finished sewing. The memory gnaws at you in hospital twilight: heart monitors ticking time you no longer deserve, IV fluid dripping penance that can’t wash clean the echo of his small hand slipping from yours. You told an innocent boy that your home was a forever thing, then watched the word forever splinter like thin ice, leaving him to sink while you lay stuck in a bed that smells of antiseptic and failure. Every night you mouth his name to the ceiling tiles, hoping the apology can drift up through vents and corridors and find him, because the shame of breaking that vow is heavier than the machines breathing for you, heavier than the oxygen you can’t seem to pull deep enough, heavier than any mortal sickness.
For weeks after waking, your body feels foreign, each breath shallow, every joint heavy, the throb in your chest a stubborn echo of all that’s been lost and won. There are still IV lines tracking across your arms, blood draws at dawn, cardiac monitors blinking green and yellow at your bedside. Your lungs tire quickly, voice frays after a few words, and even simple things, sitting upright, brushing your hair, feeding yourself soup, can leave your muscles trembling. The medical team is cautious: your brain was without oxygen for minutes too long, your heart stopped twice before they could bring you back, and no one can predict what your strength will look like a week from now, or a year. You’re on a raft of medications, antiarrhythmics, diuretics, something for the pain, blood thinners for the risk of clots. Physical therapy is daily; the team hovers at the edge of your room, guiding you through slow, frustrating exercises, careful to shield you from every avoidable strain. Jaemin is your anchor, never impatient, never distracted. He helps you to the window for sunlight, brings food you’ll actually eat, massages your calves when they cramp, braids your hair, reads your charts, tucks you in at night, murmuring that you’re safe, you’re home, you’re loved. When nightmares find you, he’s there with a hand at your back and soft words, smoothing your panic before it can take root. Every day you grow a little stronger, a little braver; every day he finds new ways to make you laugh and feel like more than a patient.
Word travels, of course, whispers, at first, then conversation. Your name isn’t a curse anymore. The story is everywhere, rewritten by the mouths of those who watched you nearly die for a stranger’s child and come back. Most still say it was reckless, and the ban for trying to save Haeun, five years, no research, no independent OR, strictly supervised on clinical floors, remains on your record. You’ll have to petition for full reinstatement, attend counseling, and work under observation with every new case. Your privileges are slashed, your future uncertain, but the air feels different now, curious, even gentle. Families who once avoided your gaze now offer shy thanks; nurses drop off sunflowers and hand-written cards. Jaemin, always by your side, never lets you wonder if you’re wanted, his pride in you loud and unwavering. The other doctors are slower to thaw, but even that’s changing: Dr. Huang brings you updates, Jihoon lingers after rounds, a few colleagues stop to ask how you’re doing instead of just moving past you in the hall. The punishment itself is stark and immovable: you’re barred from independent surgery for five years, no exceptions, and cannot apply for grants or publish new research until the end of your prohibition. There’s a mandatory ethics seminar, three months of peer review, and a permanent note in your file about the events that brought you here. Every shift you’ll work will be supervised; every note you sign must be co-signed by your attending. The restriction will ache—burning in your bones on days when your mind feels clear and your hands itch to heal. There’s still shame, sometimes a flare of anger, but more often now, it’s hope—a new respect for limits, for the trust that must be rebuilt, for the chance to show your worth again.
A month crawls by before the social worker finally returns Jaemin’s calls, her voice tinny on speaker as you lie propped against hospital pillows; she offers only a handful of words. “He’s safe, he’s content, he laughs at breakfast, he sleeps through the night,” those simple sentences slide into the hollow in your chest like warm stones, heavy enough to calm the worst of the ache. She won’t share the address or a photo, only a quiet promise that Minjoon’s new room has sea-blue walls and shelves full of picture books, that he keeps Bunny close and tells everyone his Mama taught him to be brave. You close your eyes, let the image settle: a little boy humming while someone tucks him in, not flinching at shadows, not waiting for footsteps that never come. It’s not the forever you swore, yet the reassurance threads through your exhaustion, loosening the guilt just enough for you to breathe without the weight of cement on your lungs. That night, while monitors glow soft green, you grip Jaemin’s hand, feeling, for the first time since the goodbye, that you can pour what strength you have left into mending your own ribs, into Haeun’s restless curls and sticky giggles, into the fragile ordinary days still waiting for the three of you. Selfishly, the relief is a balm: knowing that he’s okay lets you focus on healing the family still wrapped in your arms.
Haeun needs both of your hands right now, one to steady her during cardiology check-ups, the other to guide her through nightmares that still echo with monitor beeps; she needs both of your eyes to catch every skipped heartbeat and every dance step she insists on perfecting before breakfast; she needs your lap for midday naps, your voice for story time, and your patience for the questions that bloom whenever an ambulance siren wails outside. Recovery is fragile: her repaired heart murmurs on windy days, her lungs tire before the playground empties, and she clings tighter each time a nurse walks past, proof that healing a body is easier than quieting a memory. So you pour everything into making her world feel ordinary, picnics that end in sticky fingers, sunsets counted from the porch, lullabies free of ICU rhythm and tell yourself it’s enough, even as her absent brother drifts through your thoughts like sea-salt on every breeze.
Your hands have never ached for a signature like they do now—craving, in every exhausted bone, the permanence of mother stamped beside Haeun’s name. But even that is stripped away, at least for now. Your reckless act, the medicine, the sea, the boy, the coma, the headline you became, has sent a ripple through every legal and bureaucratic safeguard you spent years building. You’re still her guardian, still the one she calls Mama, but the courts have pressed pause. The review board’s ruling, shadowed by your suspension and the official censure, means you cannot finalize her adoption until your medical record is clear and your license is fully reinstated. There will be months, likely years, of oversight, extra home studies, and court-ordered psychological evaluations. The social worker is gentle but unmoving, “We need stability, Doctor. The best thing you can do is heal, show the board you’re fit, and give her a home that’s safe and whole.” It’s a punishment you feel every time Haeun curls into you at night, asking with wide, sun-bright eyes if she’s “really, truly yours forever.” You can’t say yes, not with the certainty she deserves. Jaemin tries to soften it, he reminds you that love isn’t made of paperwork, that Haeun’s heart has never doubted whose arms she belongs in. But at night, when you lie awake, you tally every day, every hearing, every form still unsigned. The weight of those lost months bruises you in places no scan could find.
For now, it will be at least a year—maybe two—before you’ll be able to call yourself her mother not just in love but in law. The process is glacial: regular visits from the agency, caseworkers with clipboards, supervised meetings, endless lines of questioning meant to prove what you’ve always known in your marrow. Each delay sharpens the ache, a reminder that the world moves slowest for those who need time to hurry. Until the day the court calls your name and lets you sign the final line, you exist in limbo, holding your daughter with everything but the force of law, praying your heart is enough, and that someday, she’ll never have to ask again.
Yet even with the case-worker’s reassurance echoing in your ear, the thought of Minjoon drifts back every night like a tide you can’t hold back. Knowing he’s safe should be enough, yet your chest still pulls tight with the need to sign his papers too because in your bones he is already your son, distance and policy be damned. You catch yourself wondering if two car seats will fit in Jaemin’s hatchback, if your tiny hallway can handle double the sneakers and art projects, and then you second-guess everything: you’re only twenty-four, still limping through your own recovery, you’re about to be a resident, bureaucrats already question your fitness with one child, how could you possibly manage two? But the answer sits steady beneath the fear: you’ve already survived drowning lungs, sleepless wards, and a heart that learned to stretch for Haeun; you know it can stretch again. Love, you remind yourself, isn’t measured in free hours or tidy records, it’s counted in night-light vigils, in the way your pulse calms when a child’s cheek rests on your shoulder. And that certainty—quiet, stubborn, immovable—tells you that if fate cracks the door, you’ll find the strength and the paperwork to bring Minjoon home, no matter how messy the path.
When you and Jaemin sign the discharge papers, Haeun, now three years old, heart beating strong and wise beyond her years, cries happyily, bubbling tears in your arms, whispering over and over, “Mama, we did it, we go home together now, we all together forever.” It feels like the world ought to pause for you, just this once, as you roll through the sliding doors of the hospital, Haeun’s small, warm hand gripped tight in yours. The air outside tastes fresher than memory, sun blinking bright on the pavement as Jaemin hovers behind you, one arm draped over your shoulder, his fingers tracing love letters into the cotton of your shirt. You’re still weak, wrapped in blankets and propped in the wheelchair, each movement aches, but you breathe in the sharp, startling freedom of homecoming. Haeun is a vision beside you in her favorite yellow corduroy skirt and bunny tights, hair clipped back with mismatched barrettes, face scrubbed and luminous, cheeks full and rosy. She keeps glancing up, wide-eyed, making sure you’re real, that this isn’t another dream where she loses you to a too-bright room and the hiss of machines. “Mama, you coming home with me forever?” she chirps, skipping so close she nearly tangles her feet in your wheels. You nod, tears burning your lashes, and she beams as if you’ve hung the moon.
Jaemin leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of your head, then one to Haeun’s, murmuring, “Let’s get my girls home.” There’s no rush; there’s only the careful, trembling gratitude of three people who almost lost each other, learning how to stay close again.
The doors slide open to a corridor blooming with faces, nurses in powder-blue scrubs, surgeons leaning in doorways, night staff blinking sleep from their eyes as the news travels down the hall like a soft shockwave: you’re going home. They line the passage with flowers, phone cameras raised, shy smiles peeking out between masks, everyone waiting for that sacred ritual, the hospital walkout, your wheelchair in the center, Haeun clinging to your left side with a grip that threatens to fuse bone to bone. She’s dressed herself in her favorite dandelion-yellow dress, the one with a frill at the collar. Her braids are neat and glossy, each ribbon tied with the softest hand, and there’s a delicate pink shimmer dusted on her lips where she borrowed your gloss, mouth pursed in careful pride as she beams at every person lining the hallway. She moves with all the gravity of a pageant queen and the chaos of a garden sprite, waving at every single person she recognizes, blowing kisses to the cleaning ladies and the food service aunties, twirling so the skirt catches and flares, exposing chubby knees and socks slouching around her ankles. When she leans in to whisper to you, her voice tickles your ear, “don’t worry, Mama, I’ll say the thank yous ‘cause I know you get shy, okay? Just squeeze my hand three times if you need to hide in my hair, I'll cover you up, promise.” Her words are sticky and earnest, cheeks dimpled from grinning too hard, nose pressed to your cheek as she tries to nuzzle away the anxious lines that’ve settled there during all those endless nights.
You pull her close, stealing her gaze away from the parade of clapping hands and hospital faces, pressing a kiss to the tip of her soft nose and another to the center of her forehead, your voice barely more than a tremble, “my sunshine, my brave little heart, Mama’s always safe with her tiny bear.”
She giggles, tiny bear, that’s her favorite, and wraps her arms tight around your neck, whispering, “Mama’s safe ‘cause I’m strong like you, okay? I'll be your shadow, always.” Her breath is warm and sweet against your cheek, and when you squeeze her hand three times, she grins and hides you behind a curtain of her hair, standing fierce and proud, shielding you from every worry in the world. Haeun catches the tiny droop at the corner of your mouth, frowns so hard her brows almost touch, then plants a loud smooch right on your pout. “Mama, I know why you look squishy-sad, you miss Minjoonie. Me too! It’s sooo not fair.” She huffs, cheeks puffing like a little pufferfish, then softens and taps your chest. “But your heart’s still mine, right? ’Cause I’m your jelly-bean girl.”
You pull her close, nuzzle her curls, and whisper that every beat in your chest spells H-A-E-U-N, and nothing in the world could make you happier than her giggle in your ear. She brightens, eyes sparkling with mischief. “Okay! When I grow taller, like, this much!” (she stretches on tiptoes, fingers wiggling at the ceiling) “I’ll borrow Pops’ bike, ride super-duper fast, and scoop Minjoonie into the basket. Zoom! Then we can all eat waffles and never say bye again.” She seals the plan with another kiss to your nose, hugs you so tight her bunny charm digs into your shoulder, and declares, “Shadow girl reporting for cuddle duty!”—leaving you laughing, breathless, and certain that even missing pieces can’t dim a heart this bright.
Haeun scoots into your lap, arms circling your neck, cheeks rosy and full of purpose. “Mama,” she whispers, nodding solemnly, “it’s time for us to leave the hospital now, ’kay? I keep you strong and safe, don’t worry, I hold your hand.” Her fingers weave through yours, warm and sticky, and then she leans in, wide eyes darting around to see if anyone is close enough to catch her secrets. She covers your ear with her chubby hand and breathes, “It was meant to be a surprise, but I can’t keep it in, everyone, all the doctors and nurses and the sleepy patients, they’re waiting outside! It’s called a… a go-home party! That’s what it’s called when people get better and don’t have to stay in the hospital forever and ever. They line up, and everyone claps and gives you balloons and they said you can walk if you want, Mama, but I told them, ‘No, my mama’s still a little bit weak and she wants to ride in the silly wheelchair so I can hold her hand the whole time.’” Haeun lifts her chin, proud and earnest, as if making important medical decisions is just part of being a daughter. “It’s better that way, ‘cause then you get to rest and I get to push you and everyone can see how strong I am! And your hand stays in mine so you don’t feel lonely or dizzy. That’s what big girls do for their Mama’s.” She squeezes your fingers tighter, beaming up at you, the picture of loyalty and gentle bravery, ready to parade you through the crowd with every ounce of hope and pride bundled into her tiny palm.
She grins, all bashful and proud, her eyes shining with a quiet understanding that feels far older than her tiny years. “That’s what happens when people leave hospitals, Mama, they go back home, snuggle in their own beds, eat snacks, and have the biggest bubble baths ever. You get to say goodbye and be so, so brave.” She squeezes your hand, gentle and certain. “It’s your turn to be the strong one, Mama, but you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll hold your hand and we’ll go home together.” Watching her, you feel a rush of awe, how much she’s grown, how gentle and wise she’s become, especially since Minjoon came into your lives. She’s a big sister in every sense, always finding the softest words, always knowing just when to press her cheek to yours, her courage shining even when the world feels too heavy.
You feel the lump rise in your throat, eyes blurring as you press a kiss to her brow. “I’m never shy when you’re with me, bubba. You’re my courage, every step out that door is with you by my side. And hopefully we never have to sleep in these hospital beds again, baby. I hope your heart is strong and carries you through a thousand mornings. No more beep-beeps and pokey needles, just sunshine and pancakes.”
She nods, solemn, then her face lights up. “Yeah! Mine too!” She jumps up and down, dragging you with her, shouts, “Goodbye, hospital!” and blows a loud kiss to the window, her little voice echoing down the hall. She cups your cheeks, kisses your lips, and snuggles into your side. “Mama, let’s pray, never come back to this hospital, okay? You, me, pinky swear.” She squeezes her eyes tight, whispers, “God, please keep my Mama and my heart so strong, we never sleep here again. Sorry, hospital, but you made my chest hurt and made Mama cry and I don’t wanna see the yucky medicine or the big, scary machines ever again.” She lists the shadows, dark nights, cold floors, needles, the way Mama would cry when she thought nobody could hear, and all the hugs she gave to keep you both from falling apart.
Haeun wriggles in your lap, then pops up and waves both hands at the walls. “Thank you, hospital!” she chirps, her voice sweet and ringing down the hall, “but ba bye! Me and Mama never coming back here!” She sticks out her tongue, cheeks puffed in a silly pout, then grabs your hand with both of hers and pulls you close, giggling into your shoulder as if sharing the best secret in the world.
She cracks one eye open, sees you giggling, and pouts, “What?”
You wrap her in your arms, smoothing her hair, and chuckle, “Well, baby, I still have to come back here—remember, Mama works here!”
Haeun goes absolutely still, lips forming a wide, perfect O, eyes as round as pancakes. She stares at you, deadpan, the seriousness of the revelation weighing on her tiny face, then shakes her head. “Oh.” She blinks, processing, then bursts into laughter that bubbles up and fills the room.
Haeun wiggles off your lap and stands on tiptoes, fussing with the hem of your blanket to make sure you’re comfy in the wheelchair, patting your knees with her tiny hands until she’s satisfied. She plants a big, sticky kiss on your cheek, then another on your forehead for extra luck. Jaemin, who’s been leaning against the wall watching the whole show with a lazy grin, finally bends down and presses a long, slow kiss to your lips, soft at first, then deeper, making you melt right into him. Haeun wrinkles her nose, eyes popping wide, and squeals, “Ew! Yucky love germs! Mama, don’t let Dada eat your face! Save the kisses for me!” She stomps her foot and covers her eyes, then peeks through her fingers, giggling so hard she almost topples over. “Mama, next time you and Dada do smoochy-smooch, I’m calling Bunny to come put soap on your lips!” The laughter spills around the room, wrapping you in joy as she takes your hand and leads you to the door, her silly bravado and bright heart making every step out into the world feel exactly right.
You let her lead you through the parade, clinging to her warmth, to the silkiness of her small palm in yours, the way her fingers twist your bracelet until it nearly cuts off circulation. Your other hand stays wrapped around her battered bunny, the same one she clutched all through your worst fevers, now swaddled in a hospital blanket and adorned with a sticker that says ‘super patient.’ Every time she sees someone she loves, a favorite nurse, the respiratory therapist who made her balloon animals, Dr. Kim with her rainbow shoelaces, Haeun tugs you closer, leans in, and bellows, “thank you, thank you! we go home now! Mama’s magic again, see! me and Dada will take care of Mama, she’s in good hands, I promise!” Her lips leave tiny wet hearts across your cheek, and she trails her free fingers down your neck, humming lullabies into your collar, as if her voice alone could knit you whole. She skips and hops, shoes slapping against linoleum, and as you pass by the reception desk, she demands an extra sticker “for bravery,” insisting that you’re the bravest girl in the building today. The staff laughs, a soft, reverent sound, and you blink back a wave of dizziness at the realization that you’ve survived something colossal, together.
Jaemin hovers behind you, tall and drawn, suit jacket slung over his arm, stethoscope around his neck, but his attention is wholly focused on the fragile axis between your body and Haeun’s. He keeps one hand anchored on your shoulder, thumb circling slow, silent benedictions against the curve of your collarbone. When you squeeze his fingers, hard, desperate, grounding yourself, he bends down, lips pressed to the crown of your head, whispering so low it sinks straight into your bones, “can’t wait to get my girls home.” You turn your face into his hand, breathing him in, catching the sharp, clean scent of hospital soap, clinging to the feel of his pulse steady and sure beneath your mouth. Haeun tugs your wrist, urging you to wave with her, so you lift your entwined hands, letting her drag you into her world, letting her joy eclipse the leftover fear that still sticks to your ribs. When she throws herself at one of the nurses, hugging her tight, she beckons you forward with a command, “Mama, come on! you too, you say bye-bye now!”—and you comply, leaning out of the chair to touch cheeks and receive soft, well-wishes whispered like prayers.
As the crowd parts and the doors to the lobby open wide, sunlight spills over you all, catching in Haeun’s hair, turning her into a haloed blur as she skips and twirls, her shadow chasing ahead. She turns back, planting both feet, tugging you and Jaemin forward as if she could pull you into tomorrow by sheer force of will. “my Mama’s magic, see! bye-bye! thank you! all better now! me and Dada—” Her words are swallowed by the sound of her own laughter, the hush of the doors, and the sudden bloom of summer air. You reach up, hand trembling, and press your lips to the back of Jaemin’s hand where it rests on your shoulder, holding tight, refusing to let go. Haeun clambers into your lap, legs tangling with yours, cheek pressed to your heart as she whispers, “don’t be scared, Mama. me and dada got you now. We all home together.” The sun sharpens everything, her chipped pink nail polish, the sugar-slick curve of her nose, the way her lips purse as she blows one final kiss to the nurses by the window, promising she’ll come back soon, just to show them how much taller she’ll be.
As the wheelchair glides past the line of nurses and techs and volunteers gathered by the exit, Haeun’s grip on your fingers tightens, her feet padding in time with each wheel’s soft shudder across the polished floor. The lights feel too bright, but she’s your shield, bouncing in her little patent shoes, cheeks round and pink with excitement, dress swirling around her legs like a spun sugar cloud. She turns back, mouth forming an O as the applause grows, and suddenly she throws both arms wide, announcing in a clear, bell-bright voice, “Thank you, everybody! Mama and me and Dada are going home forever! We’re so, so happy—don’t be sad, I’ll come visit with Mama and bring you flower pictures and magic hugs for your breaks!” Her dimples deepen as she punctuates the promise with two air-kisses, and when she feels your fingers tremble, she slips her tiny thumb over your knuckles, humming a soft “mm-mm-mm” that sounds like sunlight made into a lullaby, coaxing your shoulders to unclench.
She’s giggling as she dances along beside you, hopping from foot to foot in a goofy circle, then twirling once, curls floating around her head. At one point she breaks from your side to plant a clumsy, heartfelt kiss on the wrist of the old night nurse who brought her the pink blankets, then rushes back to you, breathless, whispering, “Did you see, Mama? I gave her a goodbye power-up, now she’ll be strong for other bubbas.” Every time a staff member kneels to meet her, she offers her tiny hand for a shake or a squeeze, spreading out little bits of her heart in gratitude, telling the physio she’ll miss their silly stretching games and promising Dr. Seo that she’ll grow up big and strong now, “just like you, promise.”
You reel her in with a gentle tug, parking the wheelchair in a quiet alcove between two potted ficus trees so the praise and camera flashes dim to a hush. Haeun squeaks in surprise, then melts into you, knees tucked on the footrest, forehead resting against yours. Nose to nose, you breathe the same pocket of air that smells of vanilla hand-sanitizer and bubble-gum toothpaste. “My glowing comet,” you murmur, tracing the apple-curve of her cheek with your thumb, “My brave girl, you always know how to make Mama feel safe, I get all shy with so many people, but when I hold your hand, it’s like I can do anything.”
She giggles, a sound like soft bells shaken inside a quilt and presses her button nose to yours three quick times. “Boop-boop-boop,” she counts, a private code for ‘I love you,’ bigger than the sky. Then she cups your face in both hands, thumbs brushing the tear-gloss from beneath your lashes. “I love you, Mama, I’ll never let the world be too big. Just stay with me, okay? If you get scared, squeeze my hand three times and I’ll cover you with my hair like a superhero cape!”
A laugh escapes you, shaky and bright. “Deal, Captain Sunshine.” You kiss the soft valley between her brows, feel her giggle ripple down the bones of your chest, and the two of you stay like that, foreheads touching, secrets trading in the hush until Jaemin clears his throat gently and the parade resumes. You watch her, your chest aches with how whole she looks, radiant and brave, glittering with all the innocence and pride you want the world to hold for her. She keeps glancing back at you, checking your face, squeezing your hand as if to remind herself you’re really here, safe, real, going home together at last. She leans in and whispers, “Mama, can I do my happy dance?” and when you nod, she breaks out in a soft-shoe shuffle, making everyone laugh, a little parade in miniature, Haeun at its shining center.
This isn’t just your hospital walkout, it’s hers, the closing of a chapter she’s too young to name, but her whole body knows it. You feel it in the hush that settles as Haeun bounces at your side, her hand welded to yours, little fingers squeezing so tight you could believe they hold the power to ward off anything. Jaemin stands behind you, hand cupped protectively over your shoulder, thumb stroking slow circles into your collarbone, his breath shaky with the relief and awe of seeing you both here, whole, after all those nights he counted the seconds by the beep of her monitors. Haeun walks with her head held high, cheeks glowing, eyes shining huge and starlit, and she stops to press a kiss to every nurse’s knuckles, gifting each a piece of her sweetness as she says, “Thank you for making me all better! I’ll come back to visit, promise! Me and Mama and Dada, super team, strong hearts, all together!” The staff blink away tears, some kneeling to hug her close, others just smiling through the ache of goodbye, and you feel it, this is a day that splits the world in two: before and after, illness and hope, loneliness and family.
You pull Haeun into your lap, the chair slowing as you cradle her against your chest, her legs swinging, soft dress pooling over your knees like a puddle of sunlight. Her laughter bubbles up, fizzy and pure, as she hides her face in your neck and whispers, “Mama, you’re the bravest in the world. I knew you’d get better for me. Did you know I wished on every star? I told them, ‘let Mama come home, and I’ll be so good forever, cross my heart!’”
You can’t answer for a second, your throat knotted with love and fear and the wild, dizzy gratitude of surviving, but you kiss her hair, breathing in the scent of shampoo and her special sun-warm skin. “You saved me, baby,” you whisper, “you and Dada. You’re my reason for everything.”
She lifts her head, beaming, and cups your cheeks in her tiny palms, nose to nose, her voice a breathless, sacred promise. “Mama, you’re my superhero. You don’t have to be scared ‘cause I’ll be your light forever. If you ever feel sad or lost, just call me and I’ll come running, okay? I’ll protect you, pinky swear!” She leans in for another kiss, feather-soft, before spinning in your arms, waving at everyone and singing out, “We’re going home! We’re all better now! No more beeps, just pancakes and sunshine!”
Haeun can’t keep still—she’s wiggling in your lap, bunny charm swinging, cheeks pink from pride and joy, little feet tapping on the wheelchair footrest as the nurses and techs linger, some misty-eyed, some smiling wide. She looks up at Jaemin for permission, eyes huge and shining, then stands on tiptoe, hands clutching your shoulder for balance, and clears her throat, trying for her biggest, bravest voice. “Excuse me! Everybody!” she chirps, waving both arms above her head until all eyes turn, the crowd parting for this pint-sized sunbeam in her cloud-print dress. “I wanna say thank you! Thank you for making my Mama better, and for letting me sleep in the nurses’ room when I was scared, and for bringing me jelly and stickers and extra pancakes when I missed my home!” Her hands flutter to her heart as she glances at each familiar face, she calls out names, “Nurse Yuha, thank you for fixing my hair with rainbow bands! Dr. Huang, you let me listen to Mama’s heart, it goes boom-boom just like mine now! Thank you to all the night people for letting me color with your special pens and for giving me warm blankets when it was so cold, and for always checking if my bunny was comfy, too!”
She peeks at you, cheeks dimpled with glee, and bounces closer, whispering in your ear, “Mama, you gotta smile, everyone’s watching! We have to be the bravest, shiniest family ever, remember?” Then she throws her arms around your neck, lips pressing sloppy kisses to your cheek, giggling, “That’s your hero kiss! Now you’re super strong!” She spins away and grabs Jaemin’s hand, tugging him toward her as she continues, “Thank you for fixing all the hurts in our family and for never being mad when I spilled my juice or sang too loud at bedtime. We love you! I’ll bring magic hugs for everybody, promise, and pictures of my flowers, and—oh!—when Mama is all strong again, we’ll come visit and show you how happy we are! And I’ll let you meet Bunny’s new babies, and I’ll bring cookies next time if Mama says yes!” She beams up at Jaemin, then out at the crowd, “And thank you to my Dada for holding me when I missed my home, and thank you for letting me sneak extra pancakes and for carrying me when my legs got tired!”
Her voice wobbles with feeling, lips glossy with kisses, and she beams at you, squeezing your hand three times the way you taught her, whispering, “See, Mama? All our friends are happy too.” The room seems to glow, every heart drawn to this bubble of warmth, as Haeun spins in a dizzy little twirl, bowing low, and blowing kisses to every nurse and doctor, “Goodbye, everybody! I’m gonna be so strong and come back to visit and bring all my sunshine with me! You helped my Mama, you helped my Dada, and you helped me be the happiest girl in the world!” Her giggles echo down the hallway, so bright and unfiltered you feel your chest ache from loving her, she turns back to you, arms wrapping around your neck, nose pressed to your ear, whispering, “Don’t be scared, Mama, I’ll always take care of you. You’re my forever and ever, pinky promise.”
Your throat tightens as Haeun’s little speech echoes and fades, her words hanging bright in the air, and you can’t help but pull her into your lap, pressing your lips to her soft crown, feeling her giggle bloom against your chest. You look up at Jaemin, who’s kneeling beside you, his hand still anchored on your shoulder, and you draw them both closer, your voice trembling but sure. “You know, I thought I’d be scared leaving this place—” You brush Haeun’s hair back, catching her bright gaze, “—but with my sunshine girl and the love of my life, I’m not scared of anything. You two are the reason I’m still here, still fighting, still getting stronger. You both saved me more times than any doctor ever could.” Haeun giggles and wiggles closer, tucking herself against your heart, and you nuzzle her, whispering, “My brave little hero, my best friend, my magic, Mama’s never alone with you here. Thank you for being my light, for keeping me safe when I was too tired to find my way back. I love you more than pancakes, more than bunny hugs, more than all the flowers in the world.”
Your fingers find Jaemin’s, squeezing tight as your voice thickens, your heart wide open. “And you—” You meet his eyes, steady and shining, “—thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, for never letting go, for believing in our family when everything felt broken. You gave me a home, you gave me hope, and you gave me her.” Haeun beams, cheeks glossy with your kisses, and grabs both your hands, anchoring the three of you together. “I promise I’ll keep getting stronger, for both of you, for our whole silly, stubborn, sunshine family. I’ll come back and show everyone just how happy you made me.”
Haeun presses another kiss to your cheek, then to Jaemin’s, her laughter a gentle bell, and Jaemin leans in, voice low and reverent, “We’ll always keep you safe, baby. Always.” Wrapped in their arms, their warmth, their impossible love, you know you’re finally, fiercely, home.
She gives one last round of kisses, feet kicking, face pressed to yours, as Jaemin crouches beside you both, his arm tight around your shoulders, every nurse and tech grinning, and even the patients from their doorways waving. Haeun’s joy is a tide that pulls everyone with her, laughter and hope rising and rising, and when you finally roll forward, her hand in yours, her speech echoing in every heart, you know she’s lit up the whole ward with her little bubble of love, and every step toward the doors feels like a promise that you’ll never, ever walk alone.
You watch her, your girl, your moonbeam, your fiercest hope, dancing through the applause, turning a hospital exit into a celebration, into a victory parade. Today you leave together, not as survivors but as something stronger: a family stitched back together by all you’ve endured, by every promise kept, every squeeze of her little hand. This is Haeun’s last time walking these halls as a patient, and the way she glows, you know in your bones she’ll never need to come back. She’s free, and so are you. Outside, the world waits, raw and blinding, and you realize you’re held here, anchored by love, by Haeun’s unbreakable grip, by Jaemin’s steady hand—every part of you heavy with relief, trembling with the weight of beginning again.
Behind you, Jaemin stands a little straighter, the chief of peds—always the doctor in the room, but now just your partner, the man who carried you through every dark hour. His eyes glisten as he watches you and Haeun, pride blooming across his face, every sharp edge softened by joy and awe. For so long he’s worn the weight of other people’s heartbreak, every loss carving deep inside him, but here, in this moment, with the ward full of applause and his family gathered in his arms, you see the way he’s come undone with gratitude. His hand is steady on your shoulder, but his thumb traces gentle circles—a silent promise, a wordless thank you, an anchor. Every nurse who stops to squeeze his arm, every old patient who waves and shouts, “Thank you, Dr. Na!” only makes his grip on you tighter, as if he’s letting himself believe in happy endings for the first time. When you turn to look at him, he’s already looking at you, all the pride and wonder in the world alive in his eyes, and you feel that old ache, the one that says nothing is ever wasted, not when love survives it.
The moment you wheel through the front door, Haeun explodes from Jaemin’s side in a tumble of pink tulle and squeals, her arms spread wide as she shrieks, “Welcome back home, Mama!” The living room is transformed, ribbons twined across the ceiling, paper hearts swinging from every lamp, a garland of crayon rainbows draped above the sofa. Cardboard letters cut with clumsy scissors spell out ‘home is where Mama is,’ in glittery marker across the entryway. There are bouquets in old juice glasses on every windowsill, bunnies and unicorns perched on every chair, and hand-drawn cards tacked to the walls, each one covered in lopsided stars, suns, and a wild mess of “I love you, Mama!” written in every colour she could find. On the coffee table, Haeun’s tiny hands have arranged a half-dozen cupcakes into the shape of a heart, each iced in pastel swirls and crowned with edible flowers, with a big pink cake in the center that says, ‘welcome home, my best girl!’ in Haeun’s looping, intimate scrawl.
She’s tugging at your hand before you can even breathe, voice bursting with pride as she tries to pull you into every corner of the room, “Mama, look, look! Dada let me pick the biggest flowers for your room! And I made a special card with sparkles for your pillow and me and Bunny did all the hearts on the fridge! You have to see my drawing of us, look, you’re wearing the pretty dress and Dada’s got his doctor hat and I gave myself wings so I can fly to hug you anytime you’re sad!”
She’s already halfway across the rug, feet pattering wild, when Jaemin gently swoops down, steadying her with a hand to her shoulder. “Slow, Haeunie,” he says, warm but firm, “Mama needs to go slow. She’s still getting strong again.”
Haeun’s eyes go wide and earnest as she nods, lips pursed in a soft little ‘o’, and she tiptoes back to your side, slipping her hand into yours. “Sorry, Mama. Dada says we have to be patient and gentle. It’s ‘cause you’re sick, but me and Dada’ll help you get super strong again, okay? Pinky promise.” She holds up her tiny finger for you to hook with yours, grinning so wide you can see the gap where she lost her first tooth last week.
You can’t help but melt, curling your pinky around hers and tugging her close until her forehead brushes yours. “You know what? Every time you smile at me, I feel my heart grow two sizes. You and Dada are my best medicine, way better than any doctor could give. I’ll get strong in no time, promise, just as long as I’ve got my Haeunie to help me.” Your voice wobbles with the sweetness of it, cheeks aching from smiling so much, and you brush her hair back, pressing a kiss to her dimple and whispering, “What would Mama do without her hero?” Haeun giggles, a bright, tinkling sound, and hugs you so tight your ribs nearly creak, the two of you tangled up in sunshine and soft whispers, safe in the silly, sacred little world you share.
Everywhere you look there’s something, a line of painted rocks spelling “Mana’s garden” on the kitchen windowsill, photos from the hospital days printed out and framed with macaroni and glitter, and a parade of her favorite stuffed animals stacked on your bed, each holding a tiny note. There’s a new blanket, impossibly soft, tucked up with your favorite mug and a little stack of books, Jaemin’s gentle, careful touch in every detail. You can’t help it; the tears prick hot at your eyes, the whole room blurring with gratitude and disbelief, and suddenly you’re crying, shoulders shaking as you clutch Haeun to your chest. She gasps, little hands patting your cheeks, “Why are you sad, Mama? Did we mess it up? I wanted it to be perfect.” Her voice wobbles, lips trembling, and she presses quick kisses to your cheeks, sticky and warm, murmuring, “Don’t cry, Mama, Haeunie’s here, I’m right here! I’ll fix it, I’ll hug you all night, I’ll never let you go—”
Jaemin kneels beside you, arms curling around you both, pressing his forehead to yours as his own eyes shine. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he murmurs, voice thick, “these are happy tears, right?”
You nod, breath hitching, fingers curling tight around both of them. “I’m not sad, baby, I’m just so—so lucky. I thought I’d lost this, lost you. I never thought I’d be forgiven or blessed enough to come home.” You say it raw, the words shaky and honest, and you feel Haeun’s arms squeeze you tighter, her heart beating so hard you can feel it through her dress.
“Silly Mama,” she giggles, nose smushing into your neck, “we’d never let you go! You’re our best thing. Dada said so.” Jaemin cups your jaw, kisses the tears off your cheeks, then kisses Haeun too, the three of you tangled together in the heart of a home rebuilt for joy, each detail proof that you’re cherished, wanted, and finally, finally home.
At home, everything stitches itself back together with the clumsy grace of a first family waltz, slow, sweet, imperfect, so precious it aches. Haeun declares herself the household’s smallest nurse and your official helper, making it her solemn job to be everywhere you are, eyes bright with duty and her nose scrunched in concentration. “Mama, wait, I do it!” she insists, chubby hands clutching your medicine bottle with such seriousness you want to cry and laugh all at once. She pads after you in her bunny slippers, grabbing the hem of your cardigan if you move too fast, reminding you, tiny finger waggling, lips pursed, “no runnin’, Mama, only walk like ducks, ‘kay?”
When you settle on the couch, she piles pillows around you, meticulous, cheeks puffed out in focus as she arranges them “just so.” She brings your slippers, her favorite, butter-yellow ones with white hearts, your matching pair, carefully setting them by your feet and tucking your toes inside, humming under her breath. In the kitchen, she fills your water glass with both hands, spilling a little but beaming when she sets it beside you, announcing, “All done, Mama! Hydrate, hydrate!” Her nose is always wrinkling, sniffing at your tea, her tongue poking out the side of her mouth when she tries to open packets, cheeks rosy with the effort. Her hands, still dimpled and baby-soft, wrap around your wrist as she insists on “checking your pulse like Dr. Huang,” and she leans in so close her lashes tickle your cheek.
Each morning she climbs into your bed before the sun is up, curls a wild halo, cheeks soft as ripe peaches, Bunny tucked under one arm and her icy feet burrowing for warmth beneath your legs. She presses her nose to yours and whispers, “Is your heart all better, Mama? If not, I can share mine—see?” She presses her palm flat against your chest, her other hand to her own, and for a moment she’s very still, eyes wide and hopeful. “Dr. Huang say it’s super strong now. It goes ‘boom-boom’ like music. I got lots to share. I got love to share too, Mama.” Some mornings, you wake to the clink of mugs and the sound of bare feet padding softly across the kitchen tile. Haeun’s voice chirps instructions as she helps Jaemin assemble a little tea tray, balancing the spoon and honey jar in her small hands, face set with determined pride. “We’re the doctor team,” she announces, marching at his side as he carries the cup, “Dada’s in charge but I’m the boss.” When she reaches the couch, her eyes glitter with accomplishment, her smile wide and shy as she sets the tray down without a single spill, glancing at you for praise. Jaemin bows, hand to his heart like a waiter, but it’s Haeun who preens when you call her “boss baby,” lifting her chin and squeezing your knee, already angling for another job to do.
At night, she nestles close in the crook of your arm, body all warm limbs and contented little sighs, tracing gentle circles on your skin until the tension leaks out of your shoulders. Her voice is small and off-key as she sings her favorite lullabies, lyrics dissolving into soft hums. “I’ll stay awake all night, Mama, so you don’t have any bad dreams, cross my heart,” she promises, pressing her nose to your temple, lashes brushing your cheek. She makes a little cocoon of herself around you, thumb stroking your wrist, insistent that her presence alone can keep nightmares at bay. Sometimes you catch her eyelids drooping, her willpower stretched to the limit by the urge to protect you, her sleepy giggle the last thing you hear before you drift off, anchored by her warmth. On days when your body is too heavy for the world, Haeun invents “exercise club,” scampering to your side with a determined gleam in her eyes. She lifts your hands above your head, fingers laced with yours, counting out each gentle stretch and encouraging every toe wiggle with an exaggerated cheer. “One more, Mama, you can do it!” she calls, her enthusiasm contagious, refusing to let gloom claim the day. Each completed motion earns a triumphant high five, her laughter bubbling up as she flops dramatically onto the rug, arms and legs flung wide, “Now we’re super strong, like hero team!”
When the exhaustion wins and your emotions brim over, Haeun is there to catch the first trembling tear, pressing her small fingers beneath your eyes with infinite tenderness. “All gone, see? I turn sad drops into happy ones,” she whispers, ritualistically pressing her fingertip to her lips and then to your cheek. She pulls you into a lopsided, sticky kiss, arms flung tight around your neck, her breath warm and sweet as she reassures, “No more cry, Mama, only hugs now. Promise.” During your afternoon naps, she turns the living room into a gallery, taping up her latest drawings on every wall within view. Her pictures always center you, bright and crowned, cheeks rosy, surrounded by herself, Jaemin, and a flurry of hearts. When you wake, Haeun’s face hovers above yours, proud and hopeful as she gestures to the new masterpieces. “Now the room’s filled with extra Mama power so you get better quick,” she insists, tugging you to your feet to admire every portrait, cheeks flushed with anticipation, eager for your approval. She carries your story with her everywhere—introducing herself to neighbors, nurses, and strangers in the park with the same unwavering declaration. “My mama is very brave and strong, she’s getting better every day, I’m her sidekick forever.” When you’re out in public and hesitation creeps in, she slips her hand into yours, squeezing three times just like she promised, her secret signal to remind you that you’re never alone, her love, a constant, unbreakable tether pulling you back to safety.
No chore escapes her, she lines up your vitamins on the nightstand, kisses each one “for luck,” fetches Bunny if you sigh, arranges stickers on your water bottle (“for magic”), and tries to brush your hair, her tongue poking out in concentration, her little hands gentle but tangling halfway. When you wince, she’s all wide-eyed apology, “sorry, Mama! I be soft!”—pressing kisses to your forehead, your eyelids, the tip of your nose, peppering you with “mwah-mwah-mwah” until you both dissolve into giggles. She tucks your hair behind your ear, the way you do for her, and whispers, “Pretty Mama. I take care of you, promise. ‘Cause you my best friend, forever, ever, ever.” Everything in your world is softer with her: the sharp ache of healing dulled by her arms tangled around your waist, the shadows on hard days chased away by her giggles and the determined patter of her feet. Each sigh, each groan, each slow shuffle, Haeun is there, her whole body a trembling, shining vow, her lashes like butterfly wings on your skin, her nose button-round and pressed to your jaw, her voice a bubbling brook, her heart your miracle and your medicine both.
Your baby girl is sunshine, sweet sticky fingers and wild curls, love so loud it rattles every shadow loose. Your partner is gravity, steady hands, fierce devotion, desire that anchors you back to life every time you start to drift. Jaemin is your shadow and your anchor, never farther than a soft breath, always finding ways to fold himself around your new fragility as if he could take the pain from your body into his own. He hovers at thresholds, watching with that surgeon’s eye, every wince catalogued, every sigh drawing his arms closer, until you’re wrapped in the sanctuary of his touch. Mornings, he tucks your hair behind your ear as you sit at the table, brushing fingertips down your jaw and pressing kisses, slow and reverent, to the pulse in your throat. He carries you to bed sometimes, when fatigue makes your limbs weak and trembling, muttering soft curses at the world that hurt you, at the rules that keep you from the life you built.
Every evening, he kneels by the tub to wash your hair, letting your head loll back into his palm, massaging shampoo into your scalp as if every gentle circle could heal what’s been torn. He presses his mouth to your shoulder, teeth grazing skin gone sensitive with longing, whispering things that make you shiver: “You’re here. You’re home. I can’t stop loving you, even for a minute.” When the house is quiet and Haeun’s small snore drifts from her room, Jaemin slides into bed behind you, his palm splaying low on your belly, his nose nuzzled behind your ear. Some nights, the tenderness twists into need, fingers tangled under cotton, his breath shaky against your neck, bodies moving together with slow, aching urgency, everything deliberate, nothing rushed. He maps every new scar, every line of fatigue, his kisses fierce as promises, murmuring “mine” into the dip of your spine, tracing the love he’s terrified to lose.
He insists on doing the small things, packing your medicine with breakfast, warming your slippers on the heater, filling the house with lilies and sunlight and little surprises: your favorite tea, the novel you wanted, a playlist for slow, rainy afternoons. He sits behind you on the couch, arms locked around your waist, chin hooked over your shoulder as you drift in and out of sleep, holding you close so you know there’s nowhere safer than this. When nightmares come, he’s there before you can wake fully, rocking you, hand between your shoulder blades, whispering that you’re safe, you’re loved, you’re not alone. He spoons you in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, never tiring of the feel of your skin under his palms, tracing the edge of your thigh, the curve of your breast, the hollow at your throat—mapping you again and again, as if to memorize every inch for the days he almost lost.
His love language is all action and touch—bandaging what aches, drawing hearts in the steam on the bathroom mirror, lifting you onto the counter to kiss you breathless, hands splayed on your hips, teeth at your collarbone. He worships you with every meal he cooks, every step he ta kes at your side, every whispered “I love you” while you’re half-asleep in his arms, his heart beating so hard you feel it echo in your own. In the hush of early morning, Haeun squished between you, he traces circles on your knee, mouth pressed to your hair, and says, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, “You’re everything. I’ll love you through every heartbreak, every scar, every miracle, every mess. You’re my home.” And you know, in the cradle of his arms, that you’ll never have to heal alone.
There are mornings when you can barely get out of bed, every part of you aching and limp, but Jaemin’s already there, kneeling at your side, sliding soft socks onto your feet, humming some old lullaby that Haeun learned from him. He doesn’t rush you; he waits, patient, letting you lean into his side as he leads you down the hall, fingers laced with yours. When you can’t make it to the table, he sets a breakfast picnic in bed, sliced strawberries, honey toast, your mug of tea with the perfect amount of milk and brings Haeun up to join you, both of them fussing and coaxing laughter from your lips. On afternoons when sunlight spills through the windows, he draws you close on the porch swing, letting you rest your head against his chest, heartbeat steady as a drum beneath your ear. Sometimes, he reads to you, voice soft and low, his hand tracing slow lines along your hip as if to say, over and over, I am here, I am yours, you are loved.
At night, when sleep won’t come and you’re haunted by fear, of getting sick again, of the world falling away, Jaemin wraps his arms around you, strong and certain, cradling you close until your breathing evens out. He never lets you shrink from your scars, never lets you feel less for needing help, telling you again and again, “There’s nothing you could do to make me love you less.” When you break down, the tears raw and shaking, he cups your face and kisses every track they leave, letting you sob into his chest, whispering promises he’d carve into bone if he could: “You’re safe. You’re mine. We’re never losing each other, not now, not ever.” In every gesture—every held hand, every late-night snack, every tired giggle under shared blankets—you feel his love, endless and unwavering, the devotion that carried you both home
From the moment you wake, they move as a team, Jaemin, all quiet certainty, guiding the day’s rhythm, and Haeun, a sunbeam in motion, her tiny legs pumping as she races down the hall to your bedside, curls bouncing, her nose pink from sleep. She climbs up with a grunt, hands and knees soft as new dough, eyes searching your face for any trace of discomfort, mouth parted in silent concentration. Before you can speak, she smooths your hair with clumsy, dimpled fingers, then pats your cheeks with both palms, whispering, “Mama, I help! Me and Dada, we do teamwork!”
Jaemin stands just behind, warm palm at your shoulder, reaching to steady your spine as you sit, and the weight of both their care presses comfort deep into your bones. Every morning is a gentle choreography: Jaemin lifts you with slow, practiced hands, supporting your back, murmuring, “Easy, love,” as Haeun runs ahead, picking up slippers and laying out your cardigan, her voice bubbling. “Pink one, Mama, like a ballerina!” She fusses with your hair, chubby fingers smoothing the part. Jaemin fetches your medicine, checks your water, and gives Haeun the task of handing each pill, she does it with both palms cupped, eyes shining with gravity, whispering, “Good job, Mama,” when you swallow, as if you’re the bravest girl in the room. Jaemin watches, eyes soft and glittering, then crouches to help, his big hands tucking the blanket around your legs as Haeun fusses over the edge, her chubby toes curling against your shin. Every gesture is a duet, her tiny hand passing you the water glass, his voice murmuring reminders to breathe; her babbling instructions, “Mama, eat, drink, you be good girl!” as she feeds you one bite at a time, cheeks puffed with pride, Jaemin’s smile crinkling with every accomplishment.
Mother’s Day in your house is a celebration spun gold, soft, reverent, impossibly sentimental, every detail plotted in secret. The first thing you register is the scent of strawberries and melted butter, the giggling crescendo of Haeun launching herself into your arms, curls bouncing, her cheeks warm and glossy, mouth shaped in the widest, proudest “O.” She clambers up, hands sticky from carrying the tray, thrusting a wrinkled, hand-painted card into your lap, pink and purple suns, a wonky heart with “Mama is my Hero!” in jagged crayon. She’s wrapped a sparkly friendship bracelet around the card, a treasure she wove herself from your old hair ribbons, and insists on sliding it over your wrist with such gentle care you feel your heart twist. Jaemin stands in the doorway, one hand bracing the tray so nothing slips, his other holding a single, dew-bright daisy in a juice glass, your favorite flower, because Haeun declared them “happy like Mama’s eyes.”
He sets the tray in your lap with a flourish, every plate bursting with intention: pancakes shaped like bunnies and flowers, tiny paper flags reading “best Mama,” slices of fruit stacked into rainbows, even your coffee mug graced with a hand-lettered “supermom.” Haeun narrates every choice, how she picked the biggest strawberries for you, poured the syrup “all by herself,” and how Daddy let her use the “fancy sprinkles because you’re the Queen.” She nestles beside you, grinning, pink toes tucked under your thigh, insisting on feeding you the first wobbly bite, laughing when a dab of cream lands on your nose then kissing it off for you. The moment feels enchanted: sunlight warming your blankets, Jaemin kissing your bare shoulder with a reverence that breaks you open, his palm splayed over your belly as if cradling everything that’s ever hurt and everything that’s healing.
After breakfast, Haeun parades you through the house, her tiny hand locked in yours, revealing her “Mama Museum.” Every corner has been decorated, paper chains, bouquets of dandelions and buttercups stuffed in juice jars, a construction paper crown atop your pillow, “tickets” for extra cuddles hidden in pockets and drawers. She leads you to the living room where she’s drawn a huge mural of your family, her, you, and Jaemin, all with superhero capes, bunnies at your feet, and a speech bubble that says, “My Mama saves the world.” On the coffee table, she’s lined up the gifts: a tissue-paper bouquet (“for when you need happy tears”), a tiny clay heart pressed with her thumbprint, and a photo of the three of you, framed in stickers and puffy glitter.
You sit, legs folded under, as Haeun clambers onto your lap, nuzzling your cheek, hands cupping your face as she whispers, “Best Mama, best friend, best heart in the world.” Jaemin kneels beside you, one arm slung around your shoulders, his gaze wet and unguarded, lips pressed to your temple as if to anchor you to this tiny, golden universe. You can’t stop crying, laughter and tears all tangled, and Haeun kisses the salt from your cheeks, pressing her soft mouth over every trembling smile, vowing, “Me and Dada gonna make you happy forever.” In that moment, love is thick and irreducible, your first Mother’s Day, not just a holiday but a benediction, a promise that you are seen, chosen, worshipped beyond measure. The day unfurls around you, sunlight and giggles, pancakes and presents, every second a monument to the family you fought for, every breath sacred, every “I love you” etched into the marrow of your bones.
When it’s time for your walk, Jaemin is at your side, your arm looped through his, his steps matching yours, while Haeun trots ahead, her knees knocking together, bunny slippers scuffing. She picks wildflowers for you, stuffing your pockets, “So you can smell pretty things, Mama, even inside.” At home, she helps you change, her hands gentle, voice low, “I zip for you, Mama. You rest.” Jaemin brushes your hair, tangles gently under his fingers, his eyes always searching for pain, always softening with reassurance. “You’re safe,” he whispers. “We’ve got you.”
After lunch, Haeun insists on “doctor time.” She brings her plastic stethoscope and examines your heart, brow furrowed, nose squished, curls falling in her face. “Boom-boom is strong!” she announces, kissing your chest, then nuzzling under your chin. “Dr. Huang say I can twirl in ballet again, Mama! You come see, okay?”
You promise, your hand cupping her chubby cheek, thumb stroking the sticky curve of her jaw. “Wouldn’t miss it for anything, baby.”
Jaemin spends the evenings beside you, legs bracketing yours, his arms wound tight as he reads aloud, his voice a soothing anchor. Haeun falls asleep on your lap, thumb in mouth, curls scattered, her nose pressed to your wrist, bunny clutched to her chest. When you wake in the night, panicked and aching, Jaemin is there, mouth at your temple, whispering, “It’s alright, love. I’ve got you. We’re safe. We’re all here.” His hands are firm and sure, tracing your spine, grounding you in the present, his body heat a balm against old pain. They treat you like a queen, a patient and a love all at once: Haeun’s affection is an endless fountain, her giggles and nuzzles and wild declarations (“I’m Mama’s best helper! Dada said!”); Jaemin’s devotion quieter but no less fierce, every touch an act of worship, every look a promise that nothing, not the ocean, not the world, will ever take you from them again. Together, they fill the house with softness and light, the scent of pancakes and hope, and in their arms, for the first time since the water closed over your head, you believe you might never drown again.
Haeun plops into your lap, card hugged to her chest, cheeks shiny with pride. She shoves it into your hands, pointing at her biggest, roundest letters. “Look, Mama! My handwritin’! You proud of me?” Her voice wobbles a little but she’s beaming, lashes all fluttery, nose crinkled.
“You’re my cleverest girl. I’m so, so proud of you. I love you more than anything.” Haeun wriggles, giggling into your neck, soaking up every bit of your pride and love.
She giggles and clears her throat, like she’s seen grown-ups do, and starts reading—slow and careful, with a hiccup between each word. “I love you Mama! Mama is soft and pretty and Bunny says you the best cuddler. Thank you for pancakes and for fixin’ all my ouchies and for singin’ ‘moon river’ when I sad. Thank you for pickin’ my yellow dress and for lovin’ me big-big, bigger than the sky.” She pauses, cheeks hot, eyes searching yours for approval. “Did I read it good, Mama? You happy?” You sweep her up, smother her in kisses, and whisper,
You nuzzle her nose, cheeks, and crown, squeezing her close until your arms ache with sweetness. “My sunshine, you’re my heart,” you whisper, voice thick, “I’m proud of you every day for being so brave, so kind, such a strong little nurse for Mama. You’re the best thing I’ve ever made and I’ll thank the stars every morning I get to wake up and see you smile.”
Haeun’s chin wobbles; she ducks her head, bashful, then buries her face in your neck, giggling, “I love you, Mama, big as the moon. I taked care of you so good, ‘cause you my one and only.”
The room is a wild garden of color, armfuls of daffodils, daisies, a blush-pink peony in a chipped mug, each bloom handpicked, stems trimmed too short, leaves gnawed by a mystery bunny. There’s a card from Bunny, “signed” with a smudgy paw print, and a lopsided cake, yellow frosting pooling, spelling “BEST MAMA” in uneven loops. Jaemin leans against the counter, eyes glittering, a slow smile tracing his lips as he watches you both. When Haeun finally wriggles free, declaring it “Dada’s turn!” and pelts down the hall in search of sticker.
Jaemin slides in, arms banding your waist, hands hot through your shirt. “Been waiting all day to say thank you for surviving,” he murmurs, breath grazing your ear, voice low and rough. “You’re the bravest, sexiest, sweetest woman on this earth. I see you, every damn day, loving my girl, loving me. Makes me want to ruin you right here on this couch.” His hands move under the hem of your tee, warm, worshipful, tracing old scars, new softness, hunger in his touch tempered by awe. “You’re my home, you know that? You—messy hair, sleepy eyes, bossy as hell—are it for me. The only woman I want to wake up to, the only one I want to see in nothing but a smile and frosting crumbs.” You laugh, color rising to your cheeks as he kisses you, slow and deep, his thumb tracing your jaw. “I love you, princess. Thank you for being mine, for surviving, for giving me the most beautiful girl in the world. Happy Mama Day.”
Then Haeun bursts back in, arms full of fresh-cut dandelions and a new card for “Bestest Mama Ever.” She clambers up, cheeks shining, pressing petals to your lips, her joy a riot, her love the sun you both orbit, your little family blooming all around you, tangled up in cake and flowers and kisses that taste like hope.
You cradle Haeun close, her warm little body curled perfectly into your lap, fingers stroking over the soft shell of her ear as you whisper, “thank you, sunshine, Mama’s strong because of you.” You press kisses to her cheeks, her forehead, the sweet curve of her dimpled chin, each touch slow and reverent, your gratitude a quiet pulse between heartbeats.
She giggles, breath honey-thick and bright, her laughter bubbling up like spring water as she wraps her arms around your neck, pressing her lips to your temple and murmuring, “always protect you, Mama, always, always, always,” the words puffed soft and earnest against your skin.
Jaemin watches, one hand braced on the frame, hunger burning low and restless behind his eyes as he tracks every movement, chest heaving just a little, the flush along his throat making it impossible to mistake his need. He swallows hard, voice rough, “Baby? Do you wanna do something for Mama? Can you get all her medicine pots from the counter for Dada? Then we can fill them together for Mama, yeah?”
Haeun lights up, bouncing off your lap with a proud squeal, “of course! I’m the best helper!”—her patent slippers thumping across the floor, hair bouncing, her purpose beaming from every pore. As she disappears into the kitchen, you and Jaemin lock eyes, heat tightening the air between you, the kind of look that shreds patience, makes everything ache. Four nights running, every time you’ve tried to ride him, hips circling, slick and needy, his cock twitching deep inside you, both of you tangled and aching, Haeun has stormed in, barreling straight for the bed with her bunny and her wide, sleepy eyes, clambering up and wriggling herself right between your bodies, shoving her face against your chest, all soft hair and chubby arms, insisting she’ll sleep right here to protect her family. Each night you freeze, Jaemin groaning under his breath as you both try to rearrange yourselves, desperate and unsatisfied, your cunt pulsing around nothing, his cock left throbbing beneath the sheets, while Haeun burrows in, wedging herself between you and knocking all the breath out of the room. The moment she finally leaves, the door clicking shut and silence swelling in her wake, you’re on him before he can blink, devouring his mouth, nails raking over his chest, every nerve ending shrieking for him, for relief, for the fucking you’ve been denied for days, so raw you could sob, so hungry it feels like a fever burning through your veins.
You barely make it across the living room before you’re straddling Jaemin’s lap, hands fisted in the soft cotton of his shirt, bodies pressed so close you can feel the desperate thrum of his pulse under your tongue. His hands grip your waist, knuckles digging in with a hunger that’s both reverent and raw, your hips grinding down until the world shrinks to the heat blooming between you. His lips brush your jaw, your ear, biting back a groan as you shift, lost in the weight of him, the taste of his mouth, the heady promise of being filled and owned all over again. “Wanna make you a Mama again,” he rasps, voice thick and low, eyes locked on yours like there’s nothing in the universe but this, but you, his need unfiltered, aching.
You press your mouth to his ear, breath trembling, “Fuck a baby into me, Jaemin. Wanna feel you everywhere.” He groans, hands slipping up beneath your shirt, the friction dizzying, your thighs tightening around him, rolling your hips, the kind of movement that’s all need and no shame.
You’re so tangled up in Jaemin’s arms. mouths hungry, his hands gripping your hips, lost in the heat that’s been denied you for days, that you don’t hear the warning tremor of small feet or the gathering thunder that is Haeun on a mission. It isn’t until a single, affronted grunt slices through the air that you blink, heart jackhammering, and realize a storm’s about to make landfall. With a smack of bare heels against the floor, she hurls herself onto the couch like a tiny, mutinous typhoon, the force of her flop sending one cushion spinning. She glares, cheeks puffed up, lip jutting so far it could trip you, her eyes sharp and sparking like she’s about to declare war. Arms crossed in a defiant fortress, she lets out a sigh that could curdle milk, then ratchets the drama up another notch, throwing her head back, rolling her eyes, and muttering loud enough for every molecule in the room to hear: “So not fair! Daddy always, always gets all the Mama kisses!”
When you and Jaemin freeze, still half-straddling him, she fixes you with a gaze full of righteous indignation, like she’s the high court of cuddles and both of you are on trial for crimes against affection. “I wanna kiss Mama! Daddy always does, Daddy always wins!” She wails, huffing so hard her curls bounce, then jabs an accusatory finger in Jaemin’s direction, as if he’s orchestrated some global smooching conspiracy. She scoots closer, planting herself firmly between you, fists balled, ready to throw down, her whole body radiating the fury of a bubba who refuses to be out-snuggled, determined to reclaim what’s rightfully hers, even if it means shoving her dad clean off the couch and onto the emotional naughty step.
Jaemin can barely get the words out, his laugh tumbling loose and startled, shoulders shaking, eyes shining with mischief and defeat, before Haeun launches her full-scale coup, a pint-sized tyrant of tenderness. The second he lifts his hands in surrender, already sliding off the couch and flopping dramatically to the floor, she scuttles into the breach, a protective wall between you and any parental interloper. “No touching!” she declares, wrapping her arms around your waist, burrowing her face under your chin, as if she could fuse herself to you by sheer force of will. She casts a sidelong glare at Jaemin, all dimples and menace, staking her claim with every stubborn line of her body.
He puts on his best show of heartbreak, one hand to his chest, pouting like he’s been banished to the wilderness, “you better pick carefully, beautiful, or someone’s gonna start a revolution,” he warns, only half teasing, but Haeun’s not about to let anyone edge her out. With a triumphant little squeal, she clambers onto your lap, smothering your cheeks in a flurry of kisses, quick, sticky, and ferociously loving, her giggles bubbling out in a victorious chorus. “My mama! All mine!” She sings, nuzzling close, throwing you a wink of conspiratorial delight before squeezing you tighter, her legs tangled with yours, breath warm on your skin, refusing to share even an inch of you until she’s made her victory absolute and the world knows you’re hers.
You cradle her tighter, planting kisses along the crown of her soft hair, your voice dropping to a secret hush only for her, “All yours, baby. My heart beats for you first. just you and me, my moonbeam.” She sighs, the sound happy and soft, snuggling even closer, her little arms stubborn around your neck as if she could keep the whole world away with one squeeze. Her thumb traces a sleepy circle on your jaw, and you whisper, “No one in the universe comes before my bubba. Mama’s here, always.”
Jaemin groans, flopping on his back in mock offence, an arm tossed over his eyes. “What’s a guy gotta do to get some love around here? Left out in the cold by my two favorite girls…” he pouts, peeking at you both with a wounded puppy stare, though the corners of his mouth betray him, he’s smiling too wide to fake it for long.
You arch a brow, lips twitching, “Guess you’re both just gonna have to fight it out to see who wants me the most.” Haeun’s eyes flare wide, Jaemin’s mouth quirks with a wolfish grin, and for one heartbeat, the room holds its breath. Then, chaos: Haeun scrambles to snatch your hand, tugging you protectively into her lap, tiny arms thrown around your waist as she declares, “Mine! Mama’s on my team, Dada, you have to find your own!”
Jaemin, not to be outdone, lunges for the nearest throw pillow and brandishes it overhead, voice pitched in mock battle cry. “You think you can out-love me, sunshine? We’ll see about that!”—and before you can brace yourself, a barrage of plush assaults your back, Haeun squealing with delight, her laughter ricocheting off the walls.
Determined, Haeun plants herself between you and Jaemin, arms and legs splayed out starfish-wide, cheeks puffed with indignation as she huffs, “No fair! Mama said fight, but Dada’s too big!” Jaemin only grins harder, crawling forward with exaggerated slowness, reaching for your ankle, and Haeun shrieks, “Retreat! Mama, the giant’s coming!”—prompting you to drag her behind the coffee table in a fit of giggles, hearts pounding, bodies tangled in an impromptu fortress of couch cushions and blankets. You whisper a strategy into Haeun’s ear and she nods, lips pursed, eyes alight with mischief; together, you both launch a counterattack, flinging soft toys and blowing the loudest raspberry kisses you can muster.
When the dust settles, all three of you collapse on the carpet in a heap of limbs, you stretch out an arm, feigning deep deliberation. “Alright,” you announce, drawing out every syllable, “I have to choose the winner. This is serious business.”
Haeun’s breath hitches, Jaemin holds perfectly still, both squeezing their eyes shut, silent, tense, desperate. You tiptoe between them, draw out the anticipation with a wicked grin, then dive, pouncing on Haeun, smothering her in kisses until she’s breathless and squealing, “I win! I win! Mama picked me!” Her joy is so big it bursts from her, and you hold her close, feeling Jaemin’s laughter vibrating against your back as he wraps both of you up in one strong arm, pressing a kiss to your temple in defeat, all of you tangled together in sun-warm, giggly victory.
Haeun is nothing but motion, she spins wild, breathless, letting the sunlight turn her curls into a living halo, feet barely touching the rug as she whirls and whirls, little bunny charm bouncing against her chest in time with her laughter. Her energy feels endless, defiant; every time you expect her to wobble and collapse, she only grins wider, pushing herself faster, arms stretched out as if she could catch the whole world in her hands. She twirls, then leaps, then twirls again, and each giggle comes brighter, bubbling from deep in her belly, lighting the room like a thousand paper lanterns. The living room becomes her own small stage, and she dances for all of you, for herself, for you, for Jaemin, for every version of her that once lay sleeping in a hospital bed.
You catch Jaemin’s gaze over her dizzy, radiant orbit. There’s awe and gratitude and something shining behind his lashes as you pull him closer, your fingers lacing through his, grounding yourself in the heat of his palm. Your voices hush into the soft space between the spinning and the laughter, the miracle of her presence a lump in both your throats. “Look at her,” you whisper, pride thick in your voice, unable to hide the crack. “Our baby girl’s so strong now, it’s a miracle. She’s got legs like springs and a heart that doesn’t quit, just like her Daddy.” Your lips brush his jaw, and for a breathless moment, the world is only the three of you: you and Jaemin anchored together, watching your daughter spin herself dizzy, cheeks flushed and eyes sparking, each laugh proof that hope can grow wild and stubborn in the wake of everything you almost lost.
The greatest relief is Haeun’s blooming strength. The medical trial, cutting-edge, gentle as science can be, means she takes fewer pills each week, and her labs come back glowing. The study itself is a regimen of tailored immunosuppressants, new gene therapies, and frequent checkups, all designed to keep her heart (a donor-match miracle) beating without the old threat of rejection. No more blue lips, no more fainting spells; Haeun runs down hallways, leaps from steps, twirls in the kitchen with her arms thrown wide, shouting, “Mama, watch me! Watch me twirl!” Ballet shoes with pink ribbons replace the heavy hospital socks. Dr. Huang’s voice is steady and proud every month, charting a heart so strong it shocks the whole floor: “She’s thriving, truly. She can go to school, go to parties, dance, anything she wants. She’s a regular kid now.” You watch her, flushed and breathless, hair flying, laughing skipping through the air and you cry, every time, because you never thought you’d see the day where her life was normal.
After her wild spinning finally slows and her giggles dissolve into contented little sighs, you scoop her up, arms cradling her tiny frame close, carrying her into the bathroom where the steam curls honey-sweet through the air. You bathe her slowly, tracing bubbles down her soft arms, the scent of apricot and lavender rising off her skin as you hum old lullabies, fingers gentle as you wash behind her ears and kiss the water from her brow. Towel-wrapped and glowing, she leans into your chest, arms looped around your neck, cheeks warm and eyes bright with sleepy pride as you slip her into her favorite pajamas, the ones that feel like velvet against her legs, pink with tiny moons and clouds, the ones she always insists make her dreams extra pretty.
In bed, Haeun wriggles right between you and Jaemin, limbs everywhere, clinging to you with Bunny clutched to her chest, demanding, “Two stories, Mama! One about the magic hospital, and one about you and Dada being best friends, pretty pwease.!” Her questions are endless, voice soft and bubbling, so bright and clever you can barely keep up. She makes you kiss each cheek, slow, loud kisses that make her giggle, then insists on one for her nose, her chin, her belly button, then a kiss for every single toe, holding each up in turn, eyes closing in delight every time your lips graze her skin. “For extra sleepy luck, Mama! All the magic,” she insists, squirming into the crook of your arm, eyes so wide you wonder how she ever gets tired enough to sleep.
As you read to her, she interrupts with a million questions. “Did I really have a heart like a star, Mama? Did Dada cry when I was in the hospital? Did you love each other even when you were sad?”—and you answer every one, brushing her hair from her forehead, watching the shadows dance across her cheeks. She clings to your sleeve, thumb tracing circles into your palm, until the last page is turned and her eyelids begin to droop. Then, she lifts her face, still stubbornly awake, voice slurring with exhaustion but burning with hope. She pulls Bunny up to her chin, clings to your sleeve, and then looks between you and Jaemin, her voice carrying a bubbling, earnest delight that always makes your chest ache. “Mama? Dada? Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend again now?” She says it with a giggle, her toes peeking from the blankets, wiggling for attention, and her face glows in the soft lamplight. “You love each other again, right? Does Mama bounce on Dada again? ‘Cause that’s how you get happy, I heard you, Dada said so!” She peeks up, wide-eyed, innocent and sly all at once, not understanding what she’s saying, her words tumbling out on a stream of hope and wonder.
You can’t help the laugh that breaks from your chest, genuine, helpless, sweet with embarrassment and relief. You smooth the hair from her brow, bending down to kiss her nose, her cheeks, the soft spot behind her ear, and whisper, “Yes, baby. Mama and Dada love each other so much. All for you, always.”
Jaemin slides closer, his hand finding yours across her tiny frame, voice thick, warm, aching with pride. “We’re the happiest we’ve ever been, sunshine. You make us a family. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
Haeun’s lashes flutter as she processes your answers, chewing her lip with fierce concentration, and then she blurts out, “Sometimes I get jealous… I want all the Mama kisses, all the snuggles. But I’m really, really happy when you love each other again. I like it best when we’re together. I guess me and Dada can share you, Mama” She blinks at you both, a confession and a blessing in one, before whispering, “Are you married now?” It comes out hesitant, uncertain, but fiercely curious—a question she’s carried for the longest time after watching her favorite storybook wedding video on the iPad, after seeing Junie’s mom in her white dress, hands joined with Junie’s dad in the garden, laughter curling into the blue sky. That night, she’d peppered Jaemin with questions about why people get married, what it means to promise forever, if the rings really make a family magic. She’d lingered over the illustrations, tracing gold bands and veils with her thumb, whispering that someday she wanted to dance with you down the aisle, too. Now, nestled warm and safe between you both, she watches your faces with that same longing, a little girl desperate for proof that love can be named, sealed, celebrated, just like in the stories she’s learning to believe.
You shake your head, smile creasing the corners of your eyes as you kiss her forehead, “Not yet, princess.”
Jaemin leans in, his voice dropping low and sweet, the promise carrying all the weight of a vow. “One day, though. We’ll have the biggest, most beautiful wedding—just for you, bubba. You’ll be the main flower girl, you’ll wear the sparkliest dress you want, you can pick all the music, taste all the cakes, and throw petals everywhere you go. You’ll blow the biggest bubbles down the aisle and dance in Daddy’s arms all night long.”
She squeals, body thrumming with happiness, legs kicking beneath the sheets, “And can I dance with you and Mama and throw bubbles on everyone?”
Jaemin grins, squeezing her hand, “Anything you want. You can help Dada write Mama’s vows because I know my baby girl will have the best ideas. You’ll make sure we’re the bravest bride and groom ever.”
She yawns, eyelids heavy but still fighting for one last piece of the night, her voice slurring into sleep as she asks, “Mama, can I sleep with you and Dada tonight? Just for one night, please? I wanna be in the middle, ‘cause that’s the safest place in the world.”
You kiss her knuckles, soft and certain. “Not tonight, my love. You get the biggest bed in the house all to yourself. Mama and Dada need to keep each other safe too. You’ll sleep in your big girl bed tonight, angel. We’re just down the hall, and you can call for us anytime. You’ve got Bunny to keep you safe, and you know how strong and brave you are.”
Jaemin kisses her cheek too, voice warm and playful as he adds, “We love you more than anything, Haeunie, but Mama and Dada need their own time tonight. It’s our turn for extra sleepy luck.” He winks at you, a wicked promise in his eyes.
Haeun groans, rolling her eyes with a sleepy smile, “Grown-ups are so silly. Okay, but you promise you’ll kiss me first thing in the morning?” She pouts for a moment, but her smile returns as she snuggles deeper into her pillow, Bunny’s ear pressed to her lips. “Okay. I love you, Mama. I love you, Dada. I’m the happiest flower girl in the world.”
Jaemin gathers her in his arms, careful and tender, lifting Haeun from the nest of blankets at your side, her little arms winding trustingly around his neck as she burrows her nose into his shoulder, sleepy giggles bubbling from her lips. You reach up, heart aching with love, brushing her hair back with trembling fingers, pressing a long, soft kiss to her forehead, then one to each warm cheek, your voice a whisper just for her. “Good night, my baby. Dream sweet, Mama’s always right here.” She squeezes Bunny tight, eyelids fluttering heavy, but she keeps chattering, whispering about how she’ll wear the biggest twirly dress and throw flower petals everywhere, how her wedding cake is going to be “rainbow and taller than Dada,” her giggles sleepy and loose. Jaemin holds her close, murmuring promises, lowering her into bed with gentle hands, tucking the covers around her tiny frame as you watch from the doorway, too weak to follow but feeling every beat of their love carry you. Even as she drifts toward dreams, Haeun keeps mumbling soft wishes, “I’m gonna be the best flower girl ever, Mama, wait and see… gonna help you with your dress, pinky promise…” Her voice finally dissolves into slow, even breaths, her cheeks pillowed in gold, a smile still tugging at her lips. Jaemin lingers, hand smoothing her hair, and when he finally steps back to you, you’re both flooded with a peace so fierce it leaves you trembling.
You and Jaemin stand in the doorway of Haeun’s room, watching her chest rise and fall, the curve of her lashes pressed to her cheeks, one chubby hand fisted around Bunny and the other flung wide as if even in dreams she’s keeping you close. The soft nightlight splashes the ceiling in pale stars, and every corner of her room is thick with the sweetness of her presence, her drawings taped to the wall, a stack of picture books on the little table, a ballerina slipper balanced on the window ledge where the evening breeze slips in. You press your fingers to your lips, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her just one more time, aching with that bittersweet, suffocating gratitude that she’s here, that she’s safe, that she still whispers, “Good night, Mama,” even when she’s nearly asleep. Jaemin’s hand rests at the small of your back, grounding you, and you linger for long minutes, letting your eyes linger on every freckle, every tiny rise and fall of her chest, wishing the sight could fill the emptiness inside you. The love you feel for her is an ocean—warm and unyielding—but even in this moment, in the hush and safety, you feel the tide dragging at your ankles, reminding you of who’s missing, and how nothing ever feels completely whole anymore.
You tiptoe from her room, close the door softly behind you, and Jaemin’s arm slides around your waist, steering you gently down the hall, back toward the bedroom that’s supposed to feel like a sanctuary. The second the door clicks shut behind you, your control buckles, your shoulders cave, your chest collapses, and you crumble into his arms, sobbing with a force that leaves you breathless and shaking, clutching him like a drowning thing. He pulls you to the bed, lets you fall against his chest, his arms circling you tight, hands moving in slow, steady strokes over your back and hair, as if he can smooth the cracks in your heart just by holding you together. You shudder, fists tangled in his shirt, your whole body racked with grief so deep it feels feral, animal, more ancient than words. You try to stifle the noise, to keep your pain quiet and private, but the agony won’t be silenced; it pours out in choked, wordless sounds, trembling through both of you. Jaemin rocks you gently, murmuring soft, useless comforts, voice low and rough as he tries to shield you from the sharp edge of your own sorrow. You don’t need to explain why you’re crying—Jaemin already knows, the ache written in every shudder of your breath, mirrored in the tightness of his own embrace; he feels it too, and the silence between you says everything words never could. The room around you—your room, your bed, your sheets, all of it meant to promise safety—feels suddenly too big, too cold, too empty.
You gasp for breath, swallowing mouthfuls of air as the sobs keep coming, hot tears flooding your cheeks, soaking Jaemin’s skin where your face presses to his neck. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t try to hush you, just lets you weep, his own hand trembling on your shoulder. The grief is unrelenting, sharp, fresh, every bit as fierce as the first night Minjoon left. “I miss him,” you manage, the words torn raw from your throat. “I miss Minjoon, I miss him so much I can’t breathe.” You press your forehead to Jaemin’s collarbone, clutching him as if you might fall apart if you let go for even a second, your body shaking with each new wave of pain. Your mind is wild with memories: Minjoon’s small hand reaching for yours, his uncertain smile, the sound of his voice calling you Mama like it was a spell that could keep the dark away. Every promise you made to him—every one you broke—echoes in the silence, a chorus of guilt and longing that knots in your chest and won’t unravel.
You try to speak, your voice catching, shattering under the weight of everything you’ve carried. “I’ve tried, Jaemin, I’ve tried so hard to let it go, to pretend it’s enough, to be happy just the way things are,” you say, the words tumbling out between sobs, “but it’s not enough. I keep telling myself I should be grateful—I am grateful, I know how lucky I am, but I want him here. I want Minjoon. I want to watch him grow, to see him laugh, to tuck him into bed, to hear him call me Mama every night.” The confessions keep pouring out, messy and tangled, nothing held back now. “It feels wrong to be happy without him. It feels like I’m cheating, like every smile is stolen from him. I know it’s selfish, I know I should just love what I have, but I want all of it. I want my family to be whole, Jaemin, I want my baby boy.”
Jaemin’s arms tighten, anchoring you, his breath hot against your temple as he lets you say it all, letting you bleed the wound. He holds you closer, his own voice thick and rough. “You’re allowed to want him. You’re allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to need him. It doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you a mother.” He kisses your forehead, his hands trembling now too, and you sob harder, pressing your face to his chest as if you could climb inside him and hide from the world. The ache is everywhere, threaded through your bones, scraping at the edges of every happy memory, and you cling to Jaemin, both of you broken open and vulnerable in the dark.
The night feels endless. For a while you just lie there, tangled together, the shaking of your shoulders the only movement in the room. When you finally speak again, your voice is thin and spent, but the words come anyway: “I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to stop wanting him, even when everything tells me I should. I keep looking for him in every shadow, keep waiting for him to come home, and every day that he doesn’t is another day I have to pretend I’m okay.” You pull Jaemin’s hand to your lips, kissing his knuckles, begging for some magic, some answer. “It never goes away. I don’t think it ever will.”
You take a shuddering breath, the grief rolling in slow, crushing waves, and for a moment you think you might break apart from the ache of it. “I feel guilty every time I smile. I feel guilty every time Haeun makes me laugh, every time you hold me, every time our house is quiet and safe and warm. I should be grateful, I should just let myself be happy, but I can’t stop wanting him. I can’t stop missing him. I feel like I’m betraying him every time I try to let go.”
Your voice trails off into a helpless whimper, and Jaemin kisses your hair, whispering words you can barely hear. “You’re not betraying him,” he promises, fierce and gentle at once. “You’re loving him the only way you can.”
The night blurs, time slowing until it feels as if the two of you are suspended, anchored only by grief and longing and the tangled comfort of each other’s arms. You let yourself rest there, in the heartbreak and the hope, letting the tears run their course, letting the ache find its own slow, tired rhythm. Jaemin strokes your back, soothing you with the weight of his love, reminding you that even when you’re lost, you’re never alone. “We’ll always hold space for him,” he murmurs, “no matter what. Our hearts are big enough for all of it.” As the hours slip by, your sobs fade to shivers, exhaustion settling heavy in your bones. Jaemin holds you closer, his arms the only thing keeping you whole. You close your eyes and breathe him in, the salt of your tears and the warmth of his skin and the memory of Minjoon’s laughter tangled in every breath. The pain is still there, sharp and bright, but there’s comfort too—in the knowing, in the naming, in the simple act of holding on. You let yourself believe, just for a moment, that maybe someday, somehow, longing and joy can live side by side. And you promise yourself, even as sleep pulls you under, that you’ll never stop loving, never stop hoping, never stop leaving a place in your heart for the boy you can’t let go.
You breathe out, ragged and raw, tears streaking your cheeks as you clutch Jaemin’s shirt in your fists, and finally the words come, half sob, half declaration: “I really need to let him go, Jaemin.” Your voice shakes but you keep going, because you need him to hear it and maybe you need to hear it too. “He’s my baby, he always will be, but if Minjoon is happy—if he’s safe, if he’s found parents who love him, if he’s sleeping through the night and laughing at breakfast—I can’t keep holding on just for myself. It’s selfish, isn’t it? I keep telling myself I want what’s best for him, but I keep wanting him anyway. I have to let go, for my own good, so I can move on, so I can heal and be the mother Haeun needs, and the partner you deserve. I can’t keep living like this, stuck in the ache and the wishing. He’ll always be my boy, but I have to let him be happy without me.”
Jaemin draws you in closer, his lips warm against your hair, voice thick and sure. “Letting go doesn’t mean loving him any less. You’ll always be his Mama, and he’ll always be yours—that’s something nobody can take from you, not a judge, not a new family, not even time. Wanting his happiness, even if it means you have to break your own heart, is the bravest, most selfless thing you can do. He’s out there, and he’s okay, and so are we. We’re going to be okay, too. We’ll carry him with us, always, and you’ll still be the most incredible mother and the strongest woman I know. I’m right here. We’ll do this together.”
Jaemin’s own tears arrive in a slow, unstoppable tide, slipping silent down his cheeks until they mix with yours where your faces press together; both of you breathe in shaky bursts, drowning in the same salt. He pulls back just enough to meet your eyes, sea-blue in the dim room, and you see the grief mirrored there? the knowledge that loving a child sometimes means loosening your grip even while your heart claws to hold on. You clutch his shoulders, both of you shuddering, and whisper again that Minjoon will always be yours, that wanting his safety is the only gift you can still give. Jaemin nods, voice broken, agreeing that if letting go is the only path left, you’ll walk it side by side; but each of you also feels an undertow of dread, because happy reports can hide bruises beneath sleeves, and cheerful drawings can gloss over nights spent flinching in the dark. Still, you make the promise: for his sake and for your own battered ribs, you will release him into the blue distance and turn back toward the family still under your roof. The two of you cling to each other until the sobs taper to quiet sniffles, accepting the sharp truth that sometimes love has to open its fist. Somewhere beyond the window dawn spreads a washed-out light—not bright, but enough to see by—casting the walls in a soft indigo that matches the ache in your chests. You press one final kiss to the damp corner of Jaemin’s mouth, and with that tremulous breath the chapter closes: a son held forever in memory, released to whatever horizon waits beyond your reach.
Home isn’t what it was before. You’re not what you were before. Your body’s still slow, your legs ache, but there’s sweetness in the new pace: Haeun curls in your lap while you grade research proposals you’re not allowed to submit, Jaemin kneads your shoulders while you watch cartoons with Haeun and share bowls of fruit. The three of you build a life inside the quiet edges, bedtime stories, midnight snacks, whispered promises in the dark that you won’t leave again, that there are no more oceans between you. Haeun insists on making breakfast with Pops and Jaemin every Sunday, pancake batter everywhere, all of them laughing at your protests, flour dusted like confetti in her curls. Every setback, your limp, your scars, the paperwork you still can’t sign, feels smaller when she throws her arms around your neck, promising to take care of you forever, “even when you’re an old lady, Mama.”
Your house grows fuller every single week: your father and aunt visit every weekend, their laughter echoing through the kitchen, your dad carrying Haeun on his shoulders like she weighs nothing, calling her his “Sunbeam.” He shows her albums of your childhood, tells stories about your stubbornness, your dreams, the first time you ever wore a white coat. Haeun’s giggles ricochet off the windows; she doesn’t let go of him, not even for sleep, and in her arms she clutches every piece of your family, Bunny, pancakes, grandpa’s stories. Even Jaemin’s parents come, bearing homemade soup and soft hands that stroke Haeun’s hair, both of them crying when they first see you up and smiling again. Christmas is a gentle riot: the tree full of misshapen ornaments, Haeun’s face sticky with frosting, your aunt and Jaemin’s mother swapping recipes, Pops teaching Haeun how to play “Silent Night” on a battered piano. Haeun falls asleep in your lap that night, all the people she loves tucked under one roof, and she whispers, soft and drowsy, “Mama… I happy. Everybody I love here. But I miss Minjoonie.” Your breath stutters. She hasn’t spoken of the boy in weeks, not since you came home but his absence is a shadow you both feel. You and Jaemin exchange a look; neither of you has heard anything. The last update was that Minjoon was placed in a new foster home, his name drifting through your heart like an ache you cannot name.
A month later, when you’re strong enough, you take Haeun and Jaemin to the care home where your mother lives. You dread it, heart pounding as you dress Haeun in her softest blue dress, braid her hair just the way your mother liked it when you were a child. The home is quiet, sun dappling the corridors. You push open the door and find your mother at the window, hair white, body slight and frail, eyes distant, searching the garden as if for a world only she remembers. Haeun hesitates, gripping your hand, whispering, “Mama, Halmeoni look sad.”
You nod, kneeling to smooth a curl from her brow. “Halmeoni’s memory is a little broken, sweetheart. She might not remember and know who we are.”
Haeun blinks at this, but walks forward anyway, clutching her Bunny. She offers it gently, “Halmeoni, you wanna hold Bunny? Bunny always helps me when I scared.” Your mother’s eyes soften for a moment, her hand shaking as she strokes the soft fur, her lips moving in a soundless lullaby you once knew by heart. You cry, there’s no stopping it, grateful for the strange and fragile ways love endures, even through forgetting. Haeun doesn’t flinch when your mother can’t say her name. She just smiles, hugs her around the waist, and whispers, “It’s okay, Halmeoni. I love you lots and lots. I love you forever.” In every room, in every slow return to life, there are the ghosts of what you almost lost and the dazzling brightness of what you now get to keep. Haeun skips beside you down the garden path, chattering about ballet and Bunny, holding your hand and glancing up as if to check you’re still really there—her Mama, her forever.
Night after night, the house settles into hush, pain creeping along your ribs, insomnia curling cold fingers up your spine. The dark feels endless, broken only by the shuffle of tiny feet against hardwood, Haeun, hair mussed and wild, bunny pajamas twisted at the ankles, clutching her plush in one arm and dragging a tangle of blankets behind her. She climbs into your bed, knees digging gentle bruises in your side, curls warm and breath syrup-sweet, wedging herself against your chest as if her weight alone could keep you anchored to the earth. “It’s okay, Mama,” she breathes into the hollow of your neck, her nose smushed soft beneath your chin, “I hold your hand all night, bad dreams can’t get you.” Her fingers seek yours, impossibly small and fierce, and the pressure of her touch tethers you, knitting the loose threads of your courage into something whole. Jaemin joins, sliding under the covers, his arms curving around both of you, humming quietly into your hair. He traces slow, lazy circles down your back, smoothing every ragged knot until you feel yourself unfurl, letting exhaustion seep in where worry once nested. The three of you—mother, father, child—become a single, breathing tangle, a secret island of warmth. Sometimes, when dawn breaks blue and the world is nothing but silence and birdsong, you wake to find Haeun’s little fingers still tangled in yours, bunny tucked under your chin, the bed smelling of dreams and safety and the strange, shivery relief of still being here.
The mornings bring their own rituals of gentleness. Jaemin is up first, careful footsteps in the kitchen, but he returns with the light, stethoscope warm against your chest, his eyes crinkled with the worry that never fully leaves. He checks your pulse, takes your temperature, hands lingering as he smooths a stray lock from your brow. Haeun is right behind, a toy stethoscope bouncing from her neck, clambering up beside you, pressing plastic to your heart and declaring, “Mama’s heart go boom-boom, bestest in the world!” She grins, cheeks flushed, curls wild, insisting on cheering for every small triumph, sitting up, standing, every unsteady step, covering your wrists with stickers, clapping her hands until the room rings with celebration. They turn the slow grind of recovery into a game, each exercise a parade, each stumble an adventure. Even the most ordinary mornings, blood draws, slow stretches, the ache of fatigue are buffered by the soft thunder of their love, Jaemin’s hands steadying you, Haeun’s giggles chasing the pain away.
Bathrooms are full of steam and sunlight, the tap running, your own reflection looking foreign in the glass. Jaemin stands behind you, steady hands bracing your waist, mindful of every scar, gentle as he lifts you under the shower’s heat. He kneels to dry your feet, kisses your ankles, helps you into pajamas soft as marshmallows. On the hardest days, he brushes your teeth for you, making you laugh at his playful scolding when you miss a spot, wiping toothpaste from your chin. Haeun is your towel helper, serious-faced and earnest, fluffing the biggest towel around your shoulders, patting your back until you shiver with delight. When you praise her, telling her she’s the best nurse, she beams, nose wrinkling, pride radiating from every dimple.
Some afternoons, when fatigue is heavy and the sky presses close, music and laughter fill the air. Haeun plants herself at the foot of your bed, toy microphone in hand, spinning wild songs about sunshine and pancakes and “Mama’s pretty hair.” Jaemin records her, voice low and fond as he encourages each lyric, then joins her, the two of them putting on a bumbling duet, laughter tripping over notes until you’re smiling so hard your cheeks ache. Afterwards, he climbs in beside you, arms curling around your waist, voice humming “Moon River” while Haeun wriggles in closer, sleep dragging her eyelids. The music is a lullaby for all three of you, a promise, a wish, a shield against every dark memory. The days unfold into small rituals, Haeun’s “recovery diary” appears on your nightstand, pink and glittering with bunny stickers, her artwork a record of every victory: you with oversized hearts, her perched on your lap, Jaemin in his chef hat, all three of you under a quilt. Each evening, she asks you to help spell out the stories, giggling over crooked letters, proud of every scribbled masterpiece. You keep each page, knowing these are the artifacts of healing, the map of how you found your way back together.
Weekends bloom with new traditions. Sundays mean breakfast on the living room rug, plates balanced on knees, syrup sticky on fingers. Haeun pours orange juice with more enthusiasm than accuracy, giggling as Jaemin catches the spill before it soaks your socks. You lean against his chest, the steady beat of his heart a comfort, his palm tracing circles on your thigh, your toes tangled with his beneath the blanket. Sunlight puddles on the floor as Haeun twirls, cheeks flushed, bunny charm jingling, the music of her laughter a bright thread tying the three of you together. Pain comes and goes, but you are never left to face it alone. On the worst days, Jaemin kneels by your side, massaging your hands, rubbing circles into your palms, pressing grateful kisses to every finger, as if in awe that they still move. Haeun brings her “magic band-aids,” the ones with unicorns and smiley faces, solemnly pressing them to your scars, then covers your face with wet, noisy kisses and blows raspberries on your neck until your tears turn to giggles. Healing, in this house, is not silent or solitary—it’s full of color, sound, and love.
There are soft milestones, each one precious. The first time you make it down the stairs on your own, the first time you laugh without pain, the first time you braid Haeun’s hair again—each is marked by cheers, photos, a wild “happy dance” in the kitchen. Jaemin lifts you gently, spinning you as Haeun claps and Bunny dangles from her arm, the three of you tangled in celebration, your forehead pressed to Jaemin’s, your breath shared. “You did it, love. You’re coming back to us,” he murmurs, and you know it’s true—you feel yourself, piece by piece, being knit back into your life.
Nights end with the three of you tucked in one bed, Haeun burrowed between you, thumb in her mouth, bunny hugged tight. She whispers her baby secrets into the dark—“Dada, Mama, I love you bigger than the moon and pancakes. You my best friends.” Jaemin squeezes your hand, the silent weight of his promise heavy and warm, and you realize in that quiet, drowsy hush, with your daughter’s soft breath against your chest and your love’s arm holding you close, that you have never in your life felt so cherished, so whole, so impossibly lucky to have survived.
Your home, once a quiet sanctuary for three, transforms into a living, breathing refuge, a place where laughter echoes down the hallway and the door is always open, overflowing with visitors, family, and every kind of love you ever dreamed of making your own. It begins as a trickle, a knock on the door, the hush of shoes on tile, and then the nurses and doctors begin to arrive. Jihoon is first, sheepish but smiling, holding a thermos of the barley tea he always drinks, promising you “no hospital food, only real food from now on.” His grin is wide, and when he sees Haeun, he crouches, arms open, and she pelts across the room to barrel into his lap, squealing, “Jihoonie!” Next comes Hyejin, hair swept up in a sleek ponytail, always a little brusque but her eyes softer than you’ve ever seen. She checks your chart, clicking her pen, and slips a tiny pink notebook under your pillow, “for recovery goals, no cheating.” Hayoung follows, bearing a hand-knit scarf in Haeun’s favorite color, wrapping it around your shoulders and cupping your face in her hands, murmuring, “We were so scared, you silly woman. Don’t do that again, okay?” Nurse Hana brings armfuls of stickers, a sticker for every day you survived, plasters you and Haeun in rainbows and hearts. Yuha, shy but beaming, brings little origami cranes and a gentle touch, bowing her head with a smile that shines like forgiveness. Dr. Huang is last, standing back as if unsure, then crossing the room in two long strides, taking your hand in both of his and telling you—quiet, fervent—that he’s proud. “You scared me,” he says, and his voice wobbles, “but you reminded all of us what we’re here for.” Even Dr. Baekhyun, who once questioned your every move, shakes your hand, his laughter bright. “Only you could break all the rules and get away with it,” he teases. “Don’t make a habit of it.”
That night, when the house is quiet and the last tea cup has been rinsed and put away, you collapse against Jaemin, trembling with a relief that makes your chest ache. He pulls you close, strong arms curling around your shoulders, letting you cry it all out, tears for every day you thought you’d never be forgiven, for the certainty that you’d be an outsider forever, for the simple, overwhelming sweetness of being welcomed home. “They don’t hate me,” you whisper, voice small, “they don’t hate me.”
Jaemin just kisses the top of your head, his thumb tracing circles down your spine. “Of course they don’t, love. You’re one of them. You always were.” And you believe him, for the first time, because the warmth still hums under your skin.
It doesn’t end there. The next weekend, your house bursts into color and chaos as Jeno and his wife arrive, Mark and Areum (with a round baby bump), Chenle and Ningning with armfuls of gifts, Karina spinning a basket of sweets, Donghyuck and Shotaro tumbling through the door like a storm, Ryujin with a bag of books, and the little ones, Junseo, Serin, Chaeun, laughing and squabbling, feet bare on your hardwood floors. Jeno catches you in a bear hug so tight you squeak, his grin stretched wide as he whispers, “Missed you, doc.” Mark and Areum bring homemade cookies, and Areum sits at your side, holding your hand, her eyes shining with emotion as she murmurs, “You did what I would have done for mine. Don’t ever doubt it.” Junseo, cheeks smudged with chocolate, plops beside Haeun and introduces his favorite dinosaur, while Serin tugs your sleeve, asking if Haeun can come to her birthday party.
Haeun herself is a whirlwind, introducing her Bunny to every baby, trailing after Serin and Junseo, bouncing between adults and children. There’s a moment when she stops, nose wrinkled, watching as Junseo gives Serin a piggyback ride. She tugs your hand and asks, “Mama, it’s so cute—Serin and Junie are brother and sister, like Bunny and Baby Bunny?”
You smile, smoothing her curls. “That’s right, love, they’re family.”
Haeun pauses, nose scrunching as she watches Junseo hoist Serin onto his back, the two of them whooping down the hallway. She trots to your side, Bunny tucked under one arm, lips pursed like she’s trying to bite down on a question that keeps wriggling free. Finally she whispers, “Mama, Serin and Junie are brother and sister, like Bunny and Baby Bunny… and me and Minjoonie.” Her mouth wobbles, lashes blinking fast. “But Minjoonie’s a special brother, right? One who lives in my heart, not my room. I don’t talk ’bout him lots, but I think ’bout him every day, Mama. I dream he’s hiding under my bed so I can find him in the morning. Sometimes I cry for him and you don’t hear ’cause I’m quiet. I miss my baby brother. When’s he coming back?” The confession tumbles out in one long breath, cheeks flushing with the effort of keeping it hidden for so many nights.
You kneel, smoothing her curls, letting your hands frame her worried face. “Sweetheart, Minjoon isn’t gone forever, he’s just with a new family right now. Remember the social worker who said he’d have other brothers and sisters? They have a cozy house with sea-blue walls and shelves of storybooks. They tuck him in with songs and he eats breakfast with kids his age, laughing just like he did here. He’s safe, he’s loved, and he knows we’re loving him from here.” You press a kiss to the tip of her nose. “That doesn’t change that he’s still your brother in the heart-place. That never goes away.”
The words barely land before Haeun’s brows knit, jealousy sparking. “Other sisters? Other brothers?” Her hands fly to her hips, Bunny dangling by an ear. “They can’t have my Minjoonie! He’s s’posed to eat pancakes with me and build blanket forts with me.” She stomps one socked foot, cheeks blazing pink. “Tell them to share! Sharing is caring, Pops said so. They can borrow him on Tuesdays and Fridays but he sleeps here!” A little diva storm swirls, crossed arms, dramatic spin, fierce pout, as if indignation might yank him back through the door.
You scoop her into your lap despite the flailing protest, wrapping her in a hug that softens the edges of her storm. “Listen, baby: love isn’t a toy we pass around—it’s a warm light that can shine in many houses at once. Minjoon has a light there and a light here. Those new kids help him feel brave the way you helped him feel brave. And just like I still love you when you’re at ballet class, I still love Minjoon when he’s there.” She sniffles, gaze dropping to her socks, the fight slipping out of her shoulders. You guide her hand to your heart. “Feel that? There’s room for every beat—yours, mine, and his. He’s always with us in here. One day, when everyone’s ready, maybe visits can happen. Until then, we send him love in every bedtime prayer and every pancake we flip.”
Haeun’s frown loosens, lips shifting toward a reluctant curve. She presses Bunny’s paw to your chest as if adding a second heartbeat, then sighs against your shoulder. “Okay… but we keep a plate warm, ’kay? In case he smells pancakes and comes running.” You promise, sealing it with a kiss that steals the last whisper of jealousy, and she giggles, burying her face in your neck, still fiercely protective, still learning that hearts, like houses, get bigger each time someone new walks in.
Haeun’s pout disappears the instant she spots Areum lingering near the doorway, dabbing at misty eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan. “Auntie ‘Reum!” she squeals, launching from your arms and barreling across the floor on sock-sliding feet.
Areum barely has time to crouch before Haeun collides into her hug, little arms squeezing tight, face nuzzled in the soft wool at Areum’s shoulder while Bunny dangles from one hand. Areum laughs through fresh tears, rocking the child gently, whispering, “I missed you, Sunshine. You’ve gotten taller already!”
Haeun pulls back just enough to study her aunt’s face, then her gaze drops and her eyes go perfectly round at the gentle swell beneath Areum’s sweater. With solemn wonder, she climbs into Areum’s lap, palms resting on either side of the rounded bump. She plants the lightest kiss on the fabric, whispering near the knit, “Baby in there? You got baby, Auntie?” Her voice is equal parts awe and delight, the secret thrill of discovering new magic.
Areum’s smile blooms tender and wide, a hand covering Haeun’s smaller one. “Yes, sweetheart,” she murmurs, voice soft enough to float, “there’s a little bean growing in there, your cousin. She’s been listening to your stories from the very beginning.”
Haeun’s dimples flash; she presses her ear to Areum’s belly as if expecting tiny giggles in return, then beams up at you, eyes glittering. “Mama, I’m gonna be a double big sister!” she declares, pride swelling in her chest while Areum strokes her curls, the moment warm and sweet as sunlight through glass.
Areum’s laugh has barely floated away when Haeun whirls toward you, Bunny flapping behind her like a banner of resolve. She plants her fists on her hips, lower lip pushed out so far it wobbles, and announces, “Mama, I want another baby brother or sister too! I already got Minjoonie in my heart, but I need one that’s really, really tiny—little bitty fingernails like sparkles, toes small as rice, hair fluffy like dandelion fuzz, and a cry that sounds like a kitten mewing.” She rocks up on her toes, eyes wide. “When you having new baby, Mama? Me and Joonie need a teeny one to cuddle.”
The room cracks up, Areum hides her smile behind her hand, Mark coughs tea through a grin, Jaemin raises an eyebrow at you, amusement and something warmer glinting in his gaze. You snort, trying not to laugh. “Baby, going from one baby to three is a lot. Newborns need round-the-clock cuddles, bottles, and diapers. That’s a whole circus.”
Haeun’s pout straightens into determined seriousness. “I can help! I pour bottles, I sing boom-boom songs, I share Bunny for nap time, and I hold the baby’s head super gentle like this.” She cradles invisible air with exaggerated care. “I’m best big sister, Mama. Big family means more pancakes and more birthday cakes.”
You tug her into your lap, smoothing the flyaway curls at her temple. “Someday, maybe, but not just yet. Mama and Dada need time, and your heart has to learn a little patience.”
Her shoulders sag for half a second, then she nods, fingers tracing circles on your sleeve. “’Kay, I’ll wait. But I’ll practice every day.” You kiss her forehead and whisper against her skin, “Deal.” Across the room Jaemin meets your eyes, the curve of his smile saying later, when the house is quiet, you’ll talk about what patience looks like and how big hearts can always find room to grow.
The sky hasn’t decided between lilac and gold when you steer into the studio car park, the tires crunching over last night’s pollen while Haeun bounces in her booster seat, chubby fists drumming the dashboard rhythm she calls “pre-class thunder.” Her lips shine with strawberry balm, every exhale fogging a tiny heart on the window, and she giggles at the ghost-print before wiping it away with the tip of her nose for luck. You trade matching smiles, both of you in peppermint-green warm-ups Ryujin insisted would “summon spring energy,” and she blows a kiss so loud it makes your cheeks flush. Jaemin in the backseat jots vitality high beside a doodle of a dancing bunny, tapping his pen like a snare.
The studio’s pale-wood façade gleams ahead, sun slanting across the ‘Spring Moon Ballet Gala’ poster taped crooked on the door, the words ‘Starlit Dreams’ glitter-foiled in moon-dust silver, and just beneath, bold new letters proclaim ‘A Night for Hearts — Fundraising Recital for Pediatric Cardiac Families.’ This isn’t just a first show for Haeun, it’s a union dreamed up by Ryujin, Shotaro and Jaemin, pulling together everyone from the ballet class and the children’s hospital for one sparkling, nerves-tinged night where tutus and lab coats cross paths under theatre lights. Flyers spill details, how every ticket, every table, every shimmering program will raise money for the new Family Support Wing at the hospital: a place for exhausted parents to sleep, for kids to play and recover, for post-surgery siblings to sprawl on beanbags and forget the beeping world for a little while. The sun paints a streak of gold through the gala poster, and beneath the elegant typeface, the lineup of performers is signed with bubbly crayon signatures, names from ballet class and from the ward, proof that this is more than just a recital, it’s a promise that no one faces recovery, or the dark, or the big, beating world, alone.
Haeun’s toes wiggle in anticipation, sock tips flicking like antennae beneath seatbelt restraints, and when you unbuckle her she launches out with a squeak, curls bouncing like caramel popcorn in a tin. Nurse Hana’s text pings just then, “remember, gentle pacing is still power,” and Haeun presses the phone to her chest as if the words could soak through bone. You inhale steady, exhale slowly, both of you practicing Shotaro’s mantra until your breaths braid together. The parking lot smells of early lilac and asphalt heat, and somewhere a robin trills what feels like a fanfare. Ten steps to the door, ten tiny squeals from her lips, ten heartbeats syncing to the studio’s hidden metronome.
Inside the changing room, fluorescent lights buzz like lazy bees while lockers clang a hello, and Haeun’s eyes dart wide, soft hazelnut rings wobbling with equal parts nerves and thrill, until your fingertips swipe a reassuring line across her freckled cheek. She slithers into bubble-pink tights, legs kicking like excited shrimp, and you thread satin ribbons through new slippers that still smell of clean leather and possibility. Each bow gets a kiss, left for luck, right for rhythm and her grin tumbles out, all dimples and gumdrop teeth, cheeks so round they nearly squeak against the elastic chinstrap of her bun net. Jaemin crouches beside, notebook propped on knee, murmuring “heart rate calm, oxygen perfect,” and she sticks her tongue out in playful defiance before blowing a raspberry that flutters his page edges. Curls ripple when you fasten her bun, loose tendrils framing the curve of her ears like parentheses holding secrets, and she whispers, “No pressure, baby—just dance,” echoing your mantra back at you with soft courage. Ryujin peeks through the doorway to deliver a wink and a sparkly sticker for Bunny’s belly, declaring it an official backstage pass. The air smells faintly of talc and lavender wipes, the scent of little girls preparing for battle. Haeun presses her palm to your chest—checks your bravery, she says—then laces fingers through yours so tight your knuckles hum. Together you step toward the mirror corridor, every overhead fluorescent reflecting a different version of her future. Soft squeak of slippers, tiny gasp of anticipation, door click, and the studio opens like a storybook page.
The mirrored walls catch the light and throw it back in shards, and the first step inside rips everything open for her, the last time she stood here, her legs had given way mid-pirouette, a sharp, splintering pain through her shin, the studio gone silent and blurry with tears and panic, the slap of her bones breaking still echoing under the music. You see it hit her all at once: knees bending as if the floor itself buckles, glassy panic flooding those wide brown eyes, her lip trembling around the shape of your name, grape-sweet gloss smudged where she bites down. Her grip clamps your shirt with a tiny, desperate strength, every knuckle carved white as she pulls herself against your side, breathing sharp and shallow, like she’s fighting not to cry in front of her friends and teachers. You drop to her level, no hesitation, no attempt at false bravado and cup her cheek, thumb tracing the damp path of one wayward tear as you press your forehead to hers, breathing in the scent of her shampoo and a trace of lavender fabric softener. “I know, baby,” you whisper, voice soft but certain, letting your words fill the shaky space between you, “I remember last time too. That was so scary, wasn’t it? It’s all right to feel nervous. It was never your fault. You’re so safe here—me and Daddy are right here, and your doctor checked your legs and heart this morning, remember? They’re strong. They grew back even braver.” You let her press her nose to yours, feel her exhale quiver, and keep her anchored there, holding her wrist gently so her heart can find your pulse and match it. “You don’t have to do any big spins, not today. Just stand with me, listen to the music, feel the floor.” Ryujin kneels beside, adding her hand to yours, steady and warm as stone, and together you hold Haeun in that gentle grip until you feel her start to melt, jaw unclenching, breath evening out, cheek pressing trustingly into your palm, lips parting with a small sigh that tastes of milk and relief.
Her voice, when it comes, is a whisper against your collarbone, small and real: “You’ll stay?”
And you promise, mouth in her curls, arms wrapped close, “All class, every second. I’ll be here for every step.” The studio is just mirrors and wood, but between your bodies you build a shelter, and this time when she steps forward, the fear doesn’t follow her.
Shotaro blows into the room like sunlight in sneakers, puffing imaginary candles in exaggerated slow motion until the entire class giggles, oxygen lightening. Chaewon, Niki, and Heejin close ranks, forming a petal circle, elbows linked, chanting “No one dances alone” while bouncing on toes to share their courage. Bunny is seated solemnly atop the piano, sticker pass glittering, acting as honorary safety officer. Your heart thuds in your throat, but Jaemin’s calm nod across the room—eyes gentle behind glasses—buoys the moment, and you release your grip so Haeun can inhale, smell the flowers, and step onto the wood. Her toes test the surface like tasting soup, cautious at first, then trusting, and the studio seems to exhale in relief when she takes that single, unstoppable step forward. The mirror reflects not collapse but rise; she blinks, sees it, smiles, and the ghost of fear fizzles like smoke in the sun.
Warm-up starts soft, demi pliés no deeper than a yawn, and each bend is a conversation between muscle memory and new caution. Haeun’s lips purse in concentration, nose scrunching every time her knees glide outward, cheeks blooming rose as blood rushes but steadies, and you count each heartbeat in your own chest like backup percussion. Ryujin paces, tapping a bamboo stick for tempo, Shotaro mans the speaker with the “Brave Ballerina” playlist, and when the opening marimba trill hits, Haeun’s shoulders relax; that’s her favorite song, and the giggle escaping her throat sounds like soda fizz. You hover close but not hovering, hands behind your back, presence felt, liberty preserved and she gives you a quick glance, eyes sparkling “watch this,” before sliding into a flawless relevé. Her friends squeal, Heejin claps, and even Jaemin pumps a victorious fist. Dr. Huang’s voice echoes memory: low-impact only, so she lowers heels slowly, savoring controlled descent, arms floating with fingertip tremors of excitement. Sweat beads tiny diamonds along her hairline, and she licks her upper lip, tasting perseverance mixed with cherry balm. No leaps yet, but when she finishes the series with a tiny sauté, barely leaving the floor, Ryujin doesn’t scold; she smiles, writes a mental note, and lets the class applaud the micro-victory. Haeun’s grin splits wide enough to tug dimples down her cheeks, and she mouths “Yes!” before the next track begins.
Halfway through class Shotaro pauses music, demonstrating breathing technique for stamina, cheeks puffing comically as he blows out candles so hard imaginary wax splatters, and laughter ricochets off mirrors like confetti. Haeun copies him, lips forming perfect O’s, nostrils flaring with strawberry focus; each exhale knits anxiety into useful steam powering her petite engine. They line up for port de bras sequence, arms sweeping like lullaby waves, and her wrists paint ghost ribbons that linger in your peripheral vision. When Ryujin corrects her elbow angle, she chirps “thank you!” in a singsong hush, absorbing guidance like sponge cake soaking syrup. Jaemin scribbles excellent adaptive form and draws a star beside it, then flicks his eyes to you with a subtle nod: heart readings stable. Bunny falls from its perch mid-exercise—sticker heavy—but Haeun doesn’t panic; she blows a quick kiss toward plush territory, trusting gravity to keep watch. Chaewon stumbles on a tendu, laughter bursts, and Haeun instinctively steadies her friend with a pinky touch, whispering “got you,” a full-circle echo of her own rescue minutes earlier. Shotaro rewards teamwork with a five-second freestyle, silly jazz hands encouraged, and the room erupts into wiggly chaos, tiny hips popping, toes tapping Morse code of delight. Haeun’s curls bounce, her head thrown back, mouth open wide enough to catch starlight.
The air in the studio smells of powder and sunshine, warmed by four little bodies bursting with secret excitement—Haeun, Niki, Heejin, and Chaewon, all pressed close in front of the barre, shoulder to shoulder in mismatched leotards that stretch over round tummies, shiny with spilled water and sticker glue, every skirt fluffed and ribboned by frantic parent hands. Haeun’s curls are stuffed under a too-tight headband, two bunny clips poking like ears, and Niki, smallest but boldest, keeps squishing his cheeks together, making fish faces until Heejin doubles over, giggling so hard she almost topples off her pink ballet mat. Chaewon lines their slippers into perfect rows, her tiny voice serious as she instructs, “Toes must kiss, or they get lonely,” and the girls collapse onto each other’s laps, laughter sticky and bright, a tumble of arms and knees and little starburst legs kicking as the music cues up.
Ryujin claps a rhythm, but the group ignores her at first, tangled up in their own ballet world, Heejin tugs Haeun’s wrist, whispering “Look, you can do this!” as she demonstrates a wobbly passé, her leg trembling, her chubby toes gripping the floor with all their strength. Haeun copies, lips pursed, tongue sticking out in perfect concentration, and when she finally holds her balance for two counts, the circle erupts, Niki hugs her around the waist, Heejin plants a kiss on her arm, and Chaewon twirls so quickly her bun comes undone, black ribbon trailing behind like a comet tail. Someone’s giggle turns into a snort, and then all of them are hiccupping, rolling on the mat, breathless and pink-cheeked, eyes squeezed shut with joy.
When it’s time to try the group dance, Niki insists on being in the middle, and Haeun, careful and gentle, helps guide her friends’ hands into place, “No, your fingers go like this—soft, see?” She smooths Heejin’s sweaty bangs, tucks Chaewon’s stray hair behind her ear, and Niki sticks his tongue out, triumphant, when he finally gets his arms in the right spot. The music floats around them, all gentle piano and swelling strings, and they move as one, sometimes tangled, sometimes perfect, hands clasped, pinkies linked, little feet padding out clumsy arabesques, their voices soft but fierce: “We are the moonbeams, no one falls alone!”
Niki’s tutu is puffed out so wide it brushes Haeun’s knee every time he spins, the tulle tickling against his leg as Niki squeals, “Look, I’m a real fairy!” His cheeks are shiny with sweat and pride, a gold sticker already plastered on his nose, and Haeun giggles as she helps Niki fix his waistband, clumsy fingers fumbling with elastic while Niki squirms and bumps her shoulder.
Heejin’s voice pipes up, “Don’t forget the bunny hop!”—she’s halfway across the mat, demonstrating a wild, bouncy step, hair stuck to her forehead and mouth wide open in a crooked, unstoppable grin. Haeun can’t help but mimic her, curls flying as she lets out a little yelp, then doubles over laughing, legs tangled with Niki’s.
“Your hair smells like jellybeans,” Niki giggles, nose pressed into Haeun’s curls as he tries to re-pin a stray piece with his own slippery fingers, then gives up and just kisses the top of her head. “Mine’s all sticky, wanna feel?” Heejin pushes her hair over for inspection, Haeun’s small hands squeezing her cheeks in an examination that turns into a squishy-face contest, both girls blowing noisy raspberries at each other until Chaewon squeaks, “No fair, you’re making me laugh too much!”
The music comes up, a gentle piano ripple, and the four of them scramble to their spots, only to get tangled up again, all tiny hands grabbing at tulle, arms looping around each other’s waists as Haeun tries to help Niki find his place. “I’ll hold you so you don’t fall,” she says, voice soft and sure, lips just brushing Niki’s ear, and Niki nods, cheeks cherry-bright, gripping Haeun’s hand with all the trust in the world. When Ryujin claps, “Moonbeams ready!” they all chime back, “Ready!”—but the voices come out at different pitches, Niki’s the loudest, Heejin’s the squeakiest, Chaewon’s a giggle-bubble, and Haeun’s softest of all. The teacher grins, shaking her head, and starts the count. As the music swells, Haeun stretches her arms overhead, fingers splayed wide, her mouth open in a silent gasp, eyes wide and shining at the ceiling as if she’s catching every drop of light. Next to her, Niki stumbles and Haeun steadies him with a firm, warm palm; Heejin nearly topples and Chaewon grabs her, and then they’re all swaying together, a clumsy constellation of bodies orbiting, whispering encouragement, “you got it!” “almost!” “so pretty, bubba!”—each word tumbling from sticky lips, filling the air with friendship and fresh hope.
Every time they circle, their hands link and unlink, Bunny bobs from arm to arm like a shared secret, sometimes getting squeezed into Haeun’s chest, sometimes twirled above Niki’s head like a trophy. Haeun’s laughter bubbles up from deep in her belly every time Niki squints and sticks out his tongue, or Heejin whispers a nonsense spell and tries to tickle her with the edge of her tutu. Chaewon whispers, “If we all close our eyes, we can fly,” and for one suspended breath, Haeun believes it, knees bent, toes pushing down into the safe floor, arms tangled around her friends, the studio spinning with their sweetness and wild, babbling joy. During water break, they huddle together, backs against the barre, sipping juice boxes and trading stickers, swapping stories about dream recitals and lost teeth and favorite snacks. Heejin tries to teach everyone a secret handshake, slapping palms and tickling each other’s wrists until Ryujin calls them back, and they scramble up, arms around each other’s waists, legs bumping, shoes squeaking on the polished floor. Every little bump and bruise is met with a kiss, every wobble with applause, every victory—no matter how tiny—with squeals and stickers pressed to cheeks and foreheads, so by the end of practice they are all a patchwork of stars and bunnies and hearts. During recess, they collapse in a heap of tulle and tangled limbs, Haeun’s head pillowed on Niki’s belly, Heejin’s arm flung over Chaewon’s waist, all four of them clutching their bunnies and giggling at nothing at all, breath warm and sweet with apple juice and bubblegum. The world outside feels big and noisy, but here in the dance studio, it is just them, a knot of soft arms and sticky hands and new, wild laughter, every sound a promise that they will keep dancing, and loving, and lifting each other forever.
When Ryujin finally claps her hands for the last time, Haeun’s cheeks are flushed bubblegum-pink and her mouth is stretched in a smile so wide it nearly squeezes her eyes shut. Niki grabs both her hands, bouncing on the balls of his feet, “let’s do the big jumps! One more time, c’mon, moonbeams!” and in a flurry of giggles, the four of them line up in front of the mirror, wobbly arms lifted high, knees bent low, every little skirt fluffing out like spun sugar. “Ready—set—go!” Heejin squeals, and they leap, toes pointed, squeaky slippers barely catching air, but every landing is a wild tangle of arms, a burst of shrieks and bunny hugs. Haeun’s giggle is the loudest, bubbling up like soda fizz, her curls bouncing over her forehead as she lands and throws her arms around Chaewon, then Niki, then Bunny, spinning in circles until all four of them collapse into a giggle-pile right on the marley floor. When it’s time to say goodbye, Haeun wraps her arms around each friend in turn, Niki gets a nose smush and a “see you soon, starlight,” Heejin gets a loud, smacky cheek kiss, and Chaewon gets a squishy, wriggly bear hug that makes both of them tip over in a heap, shrieking. “Bye-bye, moonbeams! Dream of sparkles!” she calls, waving so hard her little fingers look like butterfly wings. The others chorus, “Bye, Haeunie!” and Heejin shouts, “Next time let’s wear matching socks!” Haeun flashes you a gap-toothed grin and races straight into your arms, nearly bowling you over with all her sticky energy.
Jaemin is waiting by the door, car keys dangling, and scoops her up in a one-armed hug, spinning her so her legs swing wide, ballet shoes kicking the air, her laughter bursting out in thick, breathless peals. “Was that the best class, bubba?” he teases, peppering kisses all along her chubby cheeks, down her button nose, and quick across her giggle-soft chin. “Stinky feet, sparkly heart!” he says, making her squeal and squirm.
“Daddy!” she gasps, voice a sugary whine, “I’m tickly!”
You join in, nuzzling her curls and pressing kisses all over her temples, forehead, even the very tip of her nose, until she’s shrieking with joy, feet drumming wild against Jaemin’s hip, tiny hands reaching to squish your cheeks.
“Two bunnies! My bunnies!” she declares, tugging you both close, planting a slobbery kiss right on your lips and then another on Jaemin’s chin, wrapping her arms around both your necks with the ferocity of a sleepy koala. Her mouth tastes like strawberry milk and her breath smells sweet as frosting, her little tongue poking out as she whispers. “You make my heart go jump-jump, like ballet!” Jaemin scoops her up, tucking her into the booster seat, strapping her in with a flourish. She kicks her feet gleefully, making her shoes tap a rhythm against the seat, toes pointing and flexing, body still humming with all the leftover joy, little hands slapping at her thighs in a private drumroll. “Booster burrito!” she crows, clutching Bunny to her chest, cheeks flushed and wild, hair frizzed in every direction.
Jaemin leans in for one last round of kisses, on her nose, her brow, your lips, before heading to the driver’s seat, shooting you both a wink that leaves your stomach fluttering. You pause, still crouched by her side, and stroke her hair back from her eyes, thumb lingering at her jaw. “I am so, so proud of you, bubba,” you murmur, letting her play with your fingers as she beams up, love shining from every inch of her soft, open face.
Her little voice is so bright it practically squeaks, cheeks ballooned out in a proud grin, sticky lips smudged pink and glistening where she’s bitten them with excitement. “Did you see me, Mama? Did you see me jump? I was so high, so, so high, maybe even past the ceiling, Niki said next time we can touch the clouds!” She stretches her arms up, fingers wiggling at the roof of the car, nose wrinkled, tongue sticking out between her teeth as she tries to look as tall as the sky itself.
You pretend to gasp, hand pressed dramatically to your heart. “Baby, I thought I was watching a magic bunny blast off,” you murmur, every word swooping low and syrupy as you lean in to nuzzle your nose against hers, “I think you might’ve grown wings while I wasn’t looking—next time I’ll have to tie you down or you’ll float away, bubba!”
She collapses into giggles, shoulders shaking, arms wrapping around your neck, Bunny squished so hard between you she lets out a little squeak, and you swear the whole car fills up with her laughter. She pulls your fingers to her mouth, blows a great, noisy raspberry into your palm so hard it tingles, then kisses each one in turn, soft, slobbery, so sincere it makes your chest ache. “I’m your tiny moonbeam. I’m your little heart, Mama. I wanna be little forever and ever and ever, ‘cause then you can hold me like this all the days.” You smother her cheeks with kisses, letting your lips tickle all the way from her warm, apple-soft jaw to her soft earlobe, and she squeals, “Nooo! Mama! My tickles! That’s too many kisses!” but her arms only clutch you tighter, feet thumping against the booster seat as she wriggles with pure happiness, a little bubble of wildness in your lap.
“I’ll give you a thousand kisses, even when you’re a grown-up, even when you’re taller than me, look at those ballerina legs, you’re gonna be the tallest bun in the bunch!” you tease, squeezing her thighs and planting kisses on her knees, then her tummy, which makes her giggle so hard she hiccups, curls sticking to her forehead, face shining like a sunbeam.
She buries her face in your shoulder, voice muffled, “Mama, you’re so silly, you’re a silly-silly-bunny-Mama,” then suddenly pulls back, squishing your cheeks between her hands so your lips pucker, “I love you all the way to Saturn and back and all around the moon and then down to the squishy floor!” She drops another kiss on your nose, grinning so wide you can see the gap where her baby tooth used to be.
Jaemin leans in from the driver’s seat, his voice all mock-serious, “Honestly, it’s getting a little embarrassing. All this smooching, all this lovey-dovey, I might have to call the PDA police.”
You shoot him a look and stick your tongue out, but Haeun bursts into delighted laughter, wiggling her toes and chanting, “PDA! PDA! Daddy’s jealous! Daddy wants kisses too!”
Jaemin lets out a theatrical sigh, clutching his chest. “No one ever kisses me like that. I wish I was the tiny moonbeam. Must be nice, huh, bunny?” Then he puckers up ridiculously, leaning his head into the back seat, “Give your poor old dad a kiss or he’ll shrivel up from neglect!” Haeun nearly launches out of her booster, plants a loud, wet smooch right on Jaemin’s cheek, and then covers you in rapid-fire kisses, tongue sticking out, mouth open, each one sloppier and bubblier than the last. He leans over and kisses you, too, softer, voice dropping low, “Can’t help it, you two are the best things that ever happened to me.”
Haeun claps her hands, squeals, “Group hug! Squeezy group hug! No Daddies allowed unless he’s silly!” and the three of you melt together in a warm, wild tangle of arms and noses and bunny plush, Haeun’s laughter spilling out like sunshine, the windows fogging up from all the sweetness and breathless joy. She bounces in her seat, legs kicking like she’s still on the dance floor, babbling, “I love you, Mama, I love you, Daddy, I love my Bunny, I love ballet, I love you, love you, love you—” her voice filling every corner of the car, warm and sticky and neverending.
You lean close, brushing her curls back, kissing her hair, her forehead, every dimple and freckle you can reach, the words pouring out sweeter and sweeter, “You’re my whole sky, bubba, my dancer, my baby, my wild brave heart, I’ll love you when you’re little, I’ll love you when you’re big, I’ll love you even when you’re bossing me around when you’re a teenager—”
She butts her nose against yours, snort-laughing, “I’ll be little forever just for you, Mama! Promise!”
You whisper, voice thick with adoration, “My promise, my pinky, my sunshine, my always,” and she loops her little finger around yours, tugging you close, lips sticky with the last kiss, cheeks flushed, eyes shining, her love so bright and huge it’s impossible not to give in.
Jaemin groans, “Ugh, I can’t take it anymore, you two are going to rot my teeth—this is sickeningly sweet,” but he’s smiling like a fool, watching you both, and Haeun calls out,
“Daddy! You love it! You love us!” and he just laughs, ruffles her hair, and presses another kiss to your temple. You sit there with her for one more minute, wrapped in her soft arms, her laughter echoing inside your chest, feeling like the luckiest person in the whole world—her love so fierce and unfiltered, it lifts you up and up, higher than any moonbeam ever could.
Jaemin drums his fingers on the steering wheel, lets his head fall back against the seat, mouth twisted in the most dramatic frown he can muster. “Oh, unbelievable. My teeth hurt. I think I just got a cavity,” he grumbles, but the twitch at the corner of his mouth betrays him. He’s watching the two of you with that soft, gone look, eyes sparkling under the lashes he tries to keep half-lidded, like he’s immune.
Haeun sits up taller in her booster, smacking her lips with extra volume, then fires a kiss your way just to prove a point. “Uh-oh, Daddy! Too late—Mama and me are gonna turn you into a marshmallow next. Then we’re gonna eat you up and make you a big, squeezy sandwich!”
You catch her mid-giggle and press a raspberry to her cheek, making her squeal and kick her feet, “Baby! Quick, he’s melting! Save your Daddy!”
Haeun’s hands fly to her face, her eyes wide as saucers, “Mama, if he’s a marshmallow, can we make s’mores in the living room?” Her voice drops to a sneaky whisper behind her palm, “I think Daddy likes it when we’re all mushy. He can’t stop smiling, even when he pretends he’s mad.”
Jaemin rolls his eyes but leans over the seat, mouth puckered for a kiss, “All right, all right, one marshmallow sandwich coming up. But if you two keep this up, I’ll have to eat all the sweets at home myself just to survive.” His grin breaks through the play-acting, so bright it practically glows in the rearview.
Haeun giggles and leans forward, fingers sticky, voice bubbling with mischief, “That’s okay, Daddy. Mama says love’s the best sugar—so you’re gonna be the sweetest of all.”
You become lost in her, her arms looped around your neck, her sticky cheeks nuzzling into your shoulder, both of you squished together in that cramped backseat, swapping kisses and giggles, noses bumping, your whispers all syrupy and secret. “You’re my baby-cakes, my sugar-bun, my squishy-squish,” you murmur, pressing another kiss to her chubby jaw.
You’re always telling her you love her—always, always, as if you could say it enough times to fill up every ache and empty space, but lately it spills out with a new kind of desperation, sweeter and heavier, because nothing is promised, not after that night you almost didn’t come back, not after the sirens and the darkness and the last words in your house being a slammed door and Haeun’s heartbroken wails echoing down the hall. You remember her tiny fists banging on the glass, the way her sobs shook through your spine as you walked away from both of them, angry and stupid and so sure you had more time. Now, every kiss on her cheek, every whispered “forever,” every bubble of baby-talk love is a promise and an apology, the only answer to that haunted look that still sometimes flickers in her eyes when she’s quiet, the only way to make sure if fate steals the sun again, she’ll never doubt—not for a second—that she was always your first, last, and brightest love.
She squeals, “Mama, your kisses tickle my brain!” and then plants a noisy one right between your eyebrows, like she’s painting love right onto your forehead.
You’re so wrapped up, her legs swinging, your hand tangled in her curls, your voices soft and ridiculous, “If I kiss you a hundred times, you’ll turn into a marshmallow,” you threaten.
She gasps, eyes wide, “Then you’ll have to eat me up, Mama! I’ll be a marshmallow moonbeam and you’ll put me in hot chocolate!” and she wiggles, giggling so hard she snorts, cheeks puffed out, curls bouncing.
Jaemin, parked in the driver’s seat with his head back, lets out the loudest, most dramatic sigh, then beep-beep! slams the car horn, making you both jump. “Are you two gonna move, or do I need to call for rescue?” he deadpans, drumming his fingers on the wheel. “I’m starving out here, I can feel my bones turning into dust. There’s only so much sickly-sweet backseat snuggling a man can survive!”
Haeun sits bolt upright, clutching Bunny, and shouts, “Daddy, I’m not done yet! We’re doing science! Mama’s testing how many kisses fit on my face. It’s an experiment!” She squints at you, very official. “Mama, I think we need more data. Five more kisses, one for each finger!”
You dive in, dramatic, pressing noisy kisses down each of her stubby fingers, her giggles coming out in high, squeaky bursts, belly popping with every sound. “Sorry, Daddy!” you call, grinning back at him. “The experiment’s still going! Mama’s gotta see if Haeun’s cheeks go on forever!” Haeun waves her sticky hand at Jaemin, tongue poking out, “Daddy, you go eat your shoe now! I busy!” She giggles so hard she snorts, scrunching her nose, and then wiggles her fingers in your face, “Mama, more! Again! My cheeks need more kissies! More, more!”
Jaemin groans, but he’s laughing under his breath, “If you two don’t get up here soon, I will—don’t tempt me, Haeun!”
You wink at him, snuggle your moonbeam in tighter, and whisper, “I’m keeping her right here till she’s all grown up. Car dinner forever.”
Haeun chirps, “That’s okay, Mama! I’ll feed you marshmallows and love!”
Jaemin just shakes his head, starts the car, and mutters, “My girls are so obsessed with each other, I swear. Somebody save me.”
You press a noisy kiss to Haeun’s cheek, her skin warm and sweet beneath your lips, and she shrieks with delight, arms flapping wild as you finally slip into the passenger seat beside Jaemin. You reach over and squeeze his hand, the soft squeeze saying everything, thank you, I love you, look at our ridiculous life, while Haeun starts up her chant in the back, voice bubbling up like a tiny parade float. “Boba time! Boba time! Boba time!” she shouts, every syllable punctuated by a happy kick, her ballet shoes drumming against the seat, curls bouncing, cheeks still berry-bright from class. Jaemin squeezes your hand back and you both catch each other’s eyes in the mirror, grinning like fools, Haeun’s little chant echoing through the car like magic, every beat a promise that this tiny happiness belongs only to you three, all the way to the boba shop and back again.
The drive is all easy, golden exhaustion, Haeun’s voice a steady stream from the backseat, her words tumbling over each other as she recounts, in microscopic detail, Niki’s “giant-est” jump, how Heejin’s skirt got stuck on the barre, how Chaewon whispered a secret spell so everyone’s toes would point like magic. You hum the playlist’s lullaby, soft and low, while Jaemin calls out silly commentary for every car and bakery you pass, making Haeun giggle so hard she hiccups, cheeks still strawberry-bright. She can’t reach you, strapped snug in her booster, so she cups her water bottle with both hands, straw poked between her lips, cheeks puffing as she sips with the most dramatic slurp she can muster, just to get your attention. Between sips, she holds Bunny up to the window, narrating the world outside. “Bunny sees a big truck! Bunny sees a flower! Bunny says, ‘Hi Daddy!’” Sometimes she squishes her face up against the glass, then sits back to peer into the mirror, making silly fish faces until you blow her a kiss from the front seat. She catches it, presses it to her forehead, and beams, “Thank you, Mama! That’s for my smart brain!”
Jaemin glances at you, a soft, sideways grin blooming as you reach over and lace your fingers with his, your hands resting together on the console, quiet and sure. Haeun wiggles in her seat, feet tapping the air, voice bubbling, “Boba time! Boba time!” every syllable rises higher as the shop comes into view. When Jaemin finally parks, she shrieks, “We made it! We made it! Yay for boba!” Bunny clutched to her chest, she waits for you to open her door, water bottle held high like a victory flag, eyes bright with the promise of her favourite green bunny drink and all the sugar-soaked stories still waiting to be told.
At the counter, she presses her nose against the glass, peering up with those giant, bashful eyes, cheeks still pink from dancing. She stands on tiptoes, elbows perched on the counter’s edge, voice tiny but clear as she looks up at the cashier, “’Scuse me? Can I have a little cup please, with green bunny boba? Matcha milk, extra honey jelly, no ice, please. And, um, two baby straws so I can share with Mama?” Her lisp softens all the words, her lips round and earnest.
The cashier melts on the spot, laughing as she asks, “You want sprinkles, sweetheart?”
Haeun nods so hard her bun nearly wobbles free. “Yes, please! Rainbow ones. For my bunny and me. And Daddy wants mango, ‘cause he’s silly.”
Jaemin ruffles her hair, grinning at the cashier. “I’ll have mango green tea please with no sugar. I’ll have lychee jelly and extra mango popping boba. Biggest straw you’ve got, please. My girls like to steal sips.” Jaemin says, leaning on the counter with a playful smirk, already eyeing Haeun to see if she’ll try to sneak some of his jelly later. “Oh, and could you put a little coconut cold foam on top please? Gotta keep it fancy or she’ll laugh at me.” The cashier grins, nodding, as Haeun wiggles with excitement beside you, already plotting which toppings she’ll trade with her daddy before you even order.
You chime in, “I’ll have roasted oolong with brown sugar pearls please, lots of ice, extra creamy, please.”
The cashier promises, “Cutest coming right up,” and hands Haeun a tiny sticker for being so polite.
She gasps, whispers “thank you, lady,” and tucks the sticker behind Bunny’s ear, clinging to you so tightly you have to pick her up, her body curled warm on your lap as you settle into a booth.
You sink into a corner booth together, Haeun kneeling on the seat, Bunny balanced upright beside her cup, the two of you tracing phoenixes into the condensation on the glass tabletop. She presses her finger to yours, humming softly, “Mama, draw the wings!” You curl spirals and feathery lines, making her gasp, “Ooooh, now make it fly!”—so you swoop your finger across, letting her add glittery tail feathers, both of you whispering little stories about firebirds soaring across the shop. Jaemin stands at the counter, hands in his pockets, watching you both with the smallest smile, eyes soft as Haeun stretches out her arms, “Look, Mama, I’m a flying phoenix! Flap, flap, flap!” She flutters her arms, cheeks flushed, mouth parted in breathless awe, every move a dance, her ballet class never truly left her body.
The bell above the counter rings, and Jaemin accepts the drinks with a formal bow, thanking the cashier like it’s an Olympic medal ceremony. He carries the tray over with exaggerated care, making a show of guarding Haeun’s “green bunny” drink from imaginary thieves, whispering, “Special delivery for the moonbeam and her Mama. I’m not letting my girls move an inch till every boba is accounted for.” He settles across from you, sliding your roasted oolong, brown sugar pearls shining at the bottom, into your hands, then presents Haeun’s matcha milk, extra honey jelly, rainbow sprinkles, and two baby straws for sharing, every detail perfect.
Haeun snatches her cup, clutches it to her chest, and slurps so loudly half the café turns to smile, a line of matcha dripping down her chin. “Mmmmmm! Yummy yummy! So cold, so bouncy!” she announces, lips stained green, cheeks puffed with pride. She angles the cup toward Bunny, whispering, “Bunny wants a sip too! Mama, you help Bunny drink?” You hold Bunny up to the straw, making exaggerated slurping sounds, both of you giggling, cheeks nearly pressed together, your free hand tucked around her waist to keep her steady as she kicks her feet in giddy joy.
Jaemin slides his hand across the table, catching yours, thumb tracing little circles over your skin, a silent, sweet reassurance as Haeun leans over her cup, slurping so eagerly that droplets of matcha dot her chin. You smile at her, dabbing her mouth with a napkin, and she grins back, cheeks green and gleaming, swinging her legs beneath the table. “Mama, do you think bunnies like boba?” she asks suddenly, glancing down at her plush toy, serious as only a three-year-old can be, the question blooming right out of her bright, fizzy curiosity.
You tip your head, pretending to consider it. “Maybe if it was made from carrots and clover, bunny would love it even more than we do,” you reply, voice playful.
Haeun giggles, holding Bunny up to the straw, making a silly slurp and whispering, “Bunny says ‘yummy yummy!’ just like me.”
Jaemin nudges his drink closer, lips curled in a mock pout, “Better watch out, bunny’s gonna drink my mango tea if you’re not careful.”
She wriggles in her seat, turning toward you again, the world narrowing to the booth and her little voice. “Mama, how did you and Daddy find me?” she asks, sudden and soft, and you catch the quiet seriousness behind all the sugar, the earnest weight of her trust. Jaemin glances at you, his gaze warm and steady, fingers squeezing yours as you reach for Haeun’s hand, holding it between both of yours, gentle as a wish.
You let the moment breathe, bending close to press a kiss to her sticky knuckles, “We wished for you every day, and then one day you just appeared—brighter than any moonbeam, sweeter than every boba in the world.”
Haeun beams, tipping her head, Bunny pressed to her heart. “I like being your moonbeam, Mama. I like boba with you best.” She leans in for a kiss, laughter bubbling up between every word, sticky and soft and perfect, while Jaemin squeezes your hand again, and the three of you tuck in closer, lost in a sweetness no amount of sugar could ever match.
At home, the hush is thick and golden, wrapping around the three of you curled together on the couch, your baby girl tucked so tightly between you and Jaemin it’s like she’s stitched into the very heart of the family. Her legs drape over Jaemin’s thigh, one small heel pressing into your hip, her cheek nuzzled against your chest where she can hear the slow, steady rhythm of your heart. You comb your fingers gently through her curls, working out the tangles, fingertips lingering at her scalp until her shoulders soften and her breath evens. Your other hand cups her knee, thumb rubbing slow, lazy circles in that spot you know soothes her when the world feels too big. Jaemin sits pressed against your other side, his palm spread across her back, rising and falling with every breath, his voice low as he hums the end of her playlist—a sound that settles into her bones, safe as a heartbeat.
When Haeun shifts, face creasing with worry for just a second, you pull her closer, murmuring softly, “Right here, baby, you’re home, you’re safe. Nothing’s gonna take you from us.” You press a kiss to her brow, let her tuck Bunny under her chin, and pull the blanket over her shoulders, cocooning her in warmth and love. Jaemin’s hand slides down to her ankle, squeezing with gentle reassurance, and you both lean in until she’s covered on every side—her whole world made of arms and soft voices and warmth.
She blinks up at you, lashes fluttering, lips parting in a sleepy smile, voice tiny as she whispers, “Mama, Daddy… can I stay in your hugs forever? Can we dance in the living room every night?”
You nuzzle her nose, your voice thick with tenderness, “Forever, moonbeam. You’re always safe with us. Even when you’re asleep, we’ll hold you.” Jaemin bends to kiss her curls, his thumb stroking the ridge of her knuckles, and she finally lets out a long, shaky sigh—the last of the fear slipping away as her whole body goes soft and limp in your arms.
“Mama, Daddy… I love you biggest,” she breathes, Bunny squeezed to her chest, “and I wanna have boba and bedtime and you, every day.”
You smile, heart aching sweet, as you hold her a little tighter, blanket tucked up beneath her chin, your lips pressing the quietest promise into her crown. “You will, baby. Every single day.”
Her eyelids droop, her last giggle curling in the air, “Goodnight, moonbeam’s family. Goodnight, love you always.” And as sleep claims her, her body heavy and safe in your arms, you and Jaemin lock eyes, wordless, awestruck, grateful, knowing that this moment, this softness, is everything, and that your baby girl has never been safer than right here, wrapped in the heartbeats that will never let her go.
Every morning feels like a new beginning, sunlight sliding over the hardwood, the sound of Haeun’s giggle tumbling down the hallway before you’ve even started the kettle. Plié contests have become your private tradition: you and Jaemin in thick socks, her in pastel pink with her bunny plushies lined up as judges, all of you crouched comically low, arms rounded just so. “Lower, Mama! Lower!” she squeals, cheeks puffed, tongue poking out as she wobbles but never falls, your hands always ghosting at her elbows just in case. The sticker chart is taped crooked on the kitchen wall, filling up with stars and bunnies, every practice, every brave attempt, gets a new one, and when she stands back, breathless and proud, you press a kiss to the tip of her nose and whisper, “That’s my brave girl, always.” Jaemin claims he’s just there to keep score but you catch him swaying, grinning at her, the morning softening around the three of you like butter in a pan.
On weekends, the living room transforms into your own ballet studio, furniture pushed to the corners, curtains drawn back so the light pools at Haeun’s toes. Shotaro’s “Brave Ballerina” playlist thumps through the speakers, a blend of gentle piano and bouncy, silly pop, and Haeun dances in her slightly-too-big practice tutu, socks slipping on the floor, arms stretched wide. Sometimes she tugs you by the hand, urging you to spin with her, both of you off balance and laughing, spinning so fast your heart can’t help but leap with her. You let her lead, her little fingers curled tight around yours, and Bunny always watches from the best spot on the couch, a soft, silent audience for every leap, every bow. When she tumbles to the rug, dizzy and breathless, you flop beside her, both of you pink-cheeked and giggling, tangled in the soft chaos of home.
Jaemin takes his role as post-dance doctor as seriously as any surgeon. He sits cross-legged on the rug with a banana and a sippy cup of milk, peeling the fruit and breaking off pieces for Haeun to pop into her mouth. His hands are so gentle as he massages her calves, thumbs kneading softly, eyes always alert for the smallest wince. “Let me see these superstar legs,” he teases, poking her shin until she erupts in laughter, “Only the bravest ballerinas have such strong feet. Doctor’s orders: one more bite and a big drink, then you’ll be ready to take on the world.” Before every class, he loops his stethoscope around his neck, winks, and asks for a “heart check,” she holds out her arm, eyes huge and trusting, and he listens, playing it straight. “Heart strong, feet ready, doctor approved!” She stands a little taller every single time, heart and body both stronger for it.
Some afternoons the light grows small, the shadows stretch long, and you can see it settle in her, your baby’s shoulders curling in, her gaze flickering to the doorway, fingers winding tight in Bunny’s ear. You don’t ask her to be brave; instead, you drop to your knees beside her and start building the Bravery Corner together, piling pillows into a mountain, stringing fairy lights until the whole world glows soft and golden. You let her pick every spot for a sticker chart, one above her head, one near her toes, another tucked right beside Bunny, letting her have control in the midst of nerves. You pull her into your lap, wrapping your arms all the way around her, chest to her back, chin nestled in her wild curls, and rock gently, side to side, the slow rhythm as constant as your love.
You let her boss you around, her little finger pointing, “sticker here! No, Mama, higher, higher! Bunny wants one on his belly!”—and you obey, balancing charts over every patch of blanket fort until it looks like a sparkling palace. “Bunny says, ‘No monsters allowed!’” she declares, voice wobbly and tiny but braver now, chin jutting out. Fairy lights tangled over her head, you wrap her in your lap, tucking her in like a secret, your chin nestled into the crook of her neck, arms around her like she might slip away if you let go.
When she’s silent, you never fill it up with too many words; you only hold her, pressing small, steady kisses to the crown of her head, her temple, her knuckles, reminding her with every touch that she is cherished exactly as she is. You match your breaths to hers, slowing together, waiting until she shifts in your lap, stretching out her legs, finally ready to uncoil. You let her slip off at her own pace, her fingers lingering at your sleeve, her eyes searching for yours, and you give her your biggest, gentlest smile. “Whenever you’re ready, moonbeam. Mama’s always here.” You guide her through your grounding routine—soft squeezes to her shoulders and back, gentle circles at her wrist, your voice a lullaby of little reminders: “Wiggle your toes, feel the floor, Bunny’s here, Mama’s got you.” Sometimes you sway together, humming her favorite song, your palm cradling her cheek until her breath comes slow and easy and her body relaxes against yours.
You press your lips to the crown of her head, humming the tune from her playlist, your voice barely more than breath. You guide her hands to your chest and tell her, “Feel me breathing, bubba. We can make our hearts slow together.” She lays her palm over your heart, you lay yours over hers, and together you count—one, two, in, out, safe, safe, safe. You pull her even closer, Bunny pressed between you, letting the world shrink to nothing but her body tucked against yours. Sometimes she buries her face in your neck, sometimes she just breathes you in, eyelids fluttering, lashes still damp from a few quiet tears.
When you play Ryujin’s message, you hold the phone so she doesn’t have to, letting your other hand stroke her knee, then her shin, then up to her wrist, tracing light, soothing circles. When the message ends, you both blow kisses to the camera, your lips pressed to her hair first, then to Bunny’s nose, then to the screen, never pushing her to speak if she’s not ready, just showing her every way love can be quiet and patient. Sometimes she lets you film her whispering, “Thank you, Teacher Ryujin. I’m brave ‘cause you love me.” Sometimes she just clings to you, nodding, safe in the space you’ve built together.
You press little kisses to her brow, to each finger, to the tip of her nose, “One for every brave bit inside you, my tiny moonbeam.”
Sometimes she climbs right into your lap, feet tucked under her, Bunny between you, whispering, “Don’t let me go, Mama. Wanna stay your squishy-forever.” You hum, letting her set the pace, tracing hearts on her knee, waiting for the moment her body softens, breath matches yours, and you both melt into the pile of pillows and soft lights.
Sometimes you make up stories, about Bunny rescuing all the shy ballerinas in Sticker Castle, or about a magical moonbeam who dances with jellybeans in her shoes and always finds her way home. She giggles, head tipped back, the worry melting from her eyes as she whispers, “More, Mama, more!”
When she’s ready, she slips off your lap, face bright and a little bashful, fingers sticky from clutching your sleeve. You kiss the top of her head, hand lingering at her back, whispering, “Go, go, super-brave moonbeam! I’ll clap every step!” She wriggles into the middle of the room, Bunny held high, then twirls right there, bare feet thumping, her laugh filling every shadow. You clap and cheer, lifting Bunny in the air, “Bravest bunny! Bravest girl!”—and in that little bravery corner, strung with love and light, your baby is safe to start again, every time, her softness and your patience the gentlest kind of courage there is.
After practice, when the house grows quiet and the last stripes of sun spill across the floor, you find her in front of the hallway mirror, bare feet planted, arms curved above her head, lips moving in a soundless count. Her brow is scrunched in fierce concentration, tongue poking out the corner of her mouth, and she doesn’t notice you watching until you start to clap, gentle and slow, filling the hush with soft applause. She whirls around, eyes wide, cheeks flushed, and in an instant she’s launching herself at you, arms wound tight around your neck, nose pressed into your shoulder, laughter fizzing up and out. “Did you see, Mama? I did it all by myself! Like the big girls in the show!”
You nose her hair, press your cheek to hers, breath tangled, “I saw every step, moonbeam. You’re my superstar.” She giggles, all soft and shivery, pulls back just far enough to rub her nose against yours, bunny-quick, then leans in again, lips brushing your chin.
“Was I sparkly? Like on stage?” she whispers, nose to nose, eyes round as moons.
You tap her cheek, “You’re always sparkly, baby—even with jelly on your shirt.”
She dissolves into giggles, arms still locked tight around you, “Mama, if I spin too fast, will I turn into a tornado? Will you still catch me?”
You answer in a whisper, “Always. Even if you turn into a super silly tornado, I’ll catch every single swirl.”
She squeals, “Good! Cuz if you don’t, Bunny will try, and he can only catch little twirls, not big ones!”
You both break into another round of nose nuzzles, her little hands clutching your cheeks, her breath sweet and warm, “Mama, your nose is so soft. Boop, boop, boop!” she singsongs, pressing three tiny kisses in a row.
You go cross-eyed, make a silly face, “My bubba’s got the magic nose! Bet you can boop Daddy’s nose all the way to the moon.”
She bursts out laughing, so loud she hiccups, and cuddles back into your arms, soft as melted ice cream, “Let’s go find Daddy and boop him too.” You sway with her right there, noses still touching, sunlight brushing your hair, your heart so full it nearly spills out. All you can do is hold her, every moment so small and sticky and real, just you, your moonbeam, and every soft, silly nuzzle, the whole world made brand new with every boop.
Her giggles spill everywhere, and when you set her down she tips her head back, still catching her breath. Her voice comes quiet and curious, all sweet innocence, “Mama, when I go on the stage, do the lights make your eyes feel funny? Will I see Daddy and you in the crowd or just all the stars?” She bites her lip, peeking up at you, “If I drop my petals, will I get in trouble? And what if I forget the twirly part, will Bunny remember for me?” Her fingers curl around yours, tiny and warm, her questions tumbling out as if she’s painting pictures you can hold.
You crouch down, brushing her curls from her brow, voice soft and steady as you answer, “The lights will feel bright at first, but I’ll be right in front, waving big so you can find me. Daddy’ll be next to me, making silly faces just for you. And if you drop your petals or forget your twirl, it just means more magic for everyone, nobody will ever be mad at a moonbeam.”
She squeezes you tighter, cheek still warm against your jaw, her words tumbling out fast and hopeful, “Mama, I wanted to build the biggest sandcastle with you and Daddy, and eat all the cold noodles and go on the funny train—remember? I wanna see the ballerinas in the square, ‘cause you said I could twirl with them someday.” She pulls back, eyes wide and a little worried, thumb rubbing at Bunny’s ear, voice turning small, “Are we still gonna go on da holiday, Mama? Or is it all gone now, ‘cause of the park and the scary day?” She stares at you, so trusting and soft, the world waiting on your answer.
You scoop her closer, nose nuzzling into her hair, thumb brushing her chubby cheek as you promise, “Oh, bubba, nothing’s gone. Daddy and I found the holiday again, just for you. We’re still going, I swear it. You’ll get to twirl in the sunshine and see all the ballerinas, build the tallest sandcastle, eat every noodle, and ride that silly train with Daddy, Bunny and Mama.”
She breaks into the widest smile, eyes crinkling, arms flung around your neck, “Yay! I want Bunny to wear his sunglasses and Daddy to go splash-splash in the sea! Mama, you get a giant hat, ‘kay? Biggest hat in the whole world! Can Bunny have a suitcase too? I want to pack his hat and his purple socks. I want to see Daddy swim like a big fish and you eat a million ice creams!”
You kiss her nose, hearts bumping, “Biggest hat, pinky promise. And we’ll all dance in the square, even Bunny.”
She laughs, the sound bubbling out, “I wanna go soon, Mama. I wanna go now! Let’s go! You, Daddy, me and Bunny, all together—just us.” And you hug her so tight, everything that matters is right there in your arms, your moonbeam, your forever, your never-lost joy. The moment feels spun from sunlight and sticky hands, every hope and memory tangling together, your baby safe in your arms, every dream still bright and possible, as long as you’re holding her close.
You wake in the palest blue hush of morning, the city still quiet and dark beyond the window, Jaemin’s body pressed behind you in the tangled sheets, warmth and sleep and home tangled together. You reach back, palm smoothing over his hip, and he rolls closer, lips trailing across the slope of your shoulder, his hand slipping beneath the curve of your breast. You turn to meet him, noses brushing, breath warm, the silence gentle as dawn. He kisses you slow, soft, the kind of kiss that’s half laughter and half promise, and when he slides inside you, it’s careful, unhurried, all tangled limbs and whispered confessions. The only sounds are the low rush of your breath and the thud of your heart, the way his hand holds you so securely, your leg thrown over his waist. You move together quietly, his mouth pressed to your hair, his hand guiding your hips, and it’s not desperate or rushed—just the pure, steady ache of loving someone completely, of sharing the morning before the whole world wakes up. He holds you close after, noses tucked together, both of you whispering, “I love you, I love you, always,” until it’s time to rise.
Hot water drums over both of you as Jaemin presses you back against the tile, your laughter echoing between wet skin and fogged glass, his hands everywhere, soaping your shoulders, gliding down your back, thumbs working into the ache of your hips. You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer, mouths slick and hungry as he lifts your leg around his waist, cock thick and heavy sliding inside, every thrust slow and deep, steam curling between your bodies. You clutch at his hair, nails scraping his scalp as he kisses your throat, water running down the curve of your breasts, his palms cradling your ass, rocking you against him. Each movement is soft, teasing, his hips rolling with practiced care, bodies slipping and joining in the mist, rinsing the night away, every touch a promise, every kiss washing you clean, his mouth swallowing every moan until there’s nothing but the sound of water and the sweet, aching pulse of loving each other raw.
After the shower, all sleepy and soft, you wrap yourselves in towels and tiptoe to your daughter’s room. Her door is ajar, and you slip inside together, still damp, hands clasped, grins threatening to spill over. Jaemin is right behind you, both of you moving slowly as the sun crawls up the walls. Haeun’s all tangled limbs and tousled curls in the nest of her blankets, one chubby hand flung over Bunny’s soft belly, mouth smushed around her thumb, lashes dark and low on her cheeks. You kneel beside the bed, brush stray hair from her forehead, and whisper, “Good morning, moonbeam—guess what day it is?”
She stirs, a tiny frown puckering her brow, then a sigh, sweet and sleepy, “Mmnh, Mama… five more sleeps, pwease…”
Jaemin leans in, his voice honey-sweet, gentle as his hand stroking down her tangled curls, “Come on, baby girl, you gotta wake up—every big star has to rise before the sun or the whole world stays sleepy.” He lifts her up in his arms, swaying her gently, blanket and Bunny tucked in tight, his cheek brushing her forehead as he whispers, “How’s my sleepy pancake supposed to get her sparkles if she stays in bed? Let’s go make some matcha magic and find your show-day smile, yeah?” She burrows in closer, clinging tighter, and he rocks her side to side, making the morning soft and slow, humming just for her until her little giggle bubbles up, her sleepiness melted by the love he wraps around her.
Haeun blinks up at you, rubbing her eyes with a fist, then reaches to tug a fistful of Jaemin’s damp hair, her face scrunching in sleepy confusion. Her gaze bounces between his wet curls and your bathrobe, loose at the collar, the faint pink mark still on your throat. “Mama, Daddy, why you both all drippy?” she whispers, voice hushed like she’s sharing a secret with Bunny. “You shower together again? Why you always shower together? Last time, you left the door open and I saw Mama jumpin’ on Daddy and you were all kissy-kissy!” She dissolves into a shy giggle, hiding her face in Jaemin’s shoulder but peeking out with a grin, “Did Mama win the jumping game? Is that why Daddy was making that silly noise?” She covers her mouth, giggling so hard she hiccups, cheeks cherry-pink, voice dropping to a whisper, “You both so funny, Bunny says next time, close the door so the bubbles don’t escape, ‘kay?” Her laughter is pure sunlight, small and bright and so perfectly three, her mischief soft and safe, your little family glowing in the golden morning.
You and Jaemin lock eyes over the top of Haeun’s head, trying to smother your own laughter, your lips twitching, his eyebrow raised in mock scandal. He clears his throat, keeping his face mostly straight, though his eyes are crinkling, and says, “Well, you caught us, bubba. Mama always wins the jumping game, that’s why Daddy has to practice his stretches every morning!” He leans in to nuzzle her cheek, winking at you, “And next time, we’ll close the door and let Bunny be the official bubble guard. No more bubbles escaping, promise.” Haeun squeals, wrapping her arms tighter around his neck, “Bunny will watch you both, so you don’t get too silly!” She giggles, still peeking at you both through wild curls, and you and Jaemin just shake your heads, laughter bubbling up between you, grateful for the sweet chaos that only your little moonbeam can bring.
You can’t help but giggle, warmth spilling out, your eyes meeting Jaemin over Haeun’s messy curls, there’s a soft, secret glow in his gaze that only you ever get, both of you full of mischief and morning love. Just then, Haeun’s gaze drifts over his shoulder, and her whole body perks up. On the wall beside her bed hangs her hand-painted “Bunny Calendar,” each square colored with shaky marker lines, a different sticker for every big day: stars for dance practice, hearts for family days, bunnies for extra-special treats. Today’s box is covered in a blue glitter pen, a silver moon sticker stuck off-center, her careful letters spelling out “SHOW DAY” in bubble writing, Bunny’s paw print in the corner. She blinks once, then gasps so loud it startles Bunny from his nest. “Is it big show day? For real-for real?”
She bolts upright, thumb slipping from her mouth, shy smile blooming wide as she grabs the calendar and waves it for you to see, one hand still tangled in Bunny’s ear, the other reaching for your sleeve. “Mama! Daddy! Look, my calendar says so! It’s show day, it’s show day!” She burrows into you, half giggle, half tremble, “My tummy feels all bouncy inside. Bunny’s nervous too. Can you both hold me so I can be brave?” And in that bright, sticky, tangled moment, you both squeeze her close, hearts soft, ready to carry your moonbeam anywhere she dreams.
You scoop her into your lap, blanket and all, and Jaemin settles on her other side, both of you crowding her with sleepy affection. “Yes my angel, it’s your big show, moonbeam. Today’s the day.”
Her cheeks puff, excitement and worry battling across her face, toes curling under the covers. “Will my legs work good, Mama? Bunny’s scared to dance but I told him we practiced so much. Did you make my dress all sparkly? Is Bunny gonna get a bow?”
You nuzzle your nose to hers, whispering, “You practiced so much, your legs are made of magic. And Bunny’s got his lucky charm and his best bow. I made sure.”
Jaemin ruffles her wild curls, “Mama made the sparkliest dress in the whole city. You’ll look just like a moonbeam.”
Together, still wrapped in soft pajamas and morning hush, you carry her down the hallway, her legs hugging your waist, hair wild and tangled like a cloud of spun sugar, her breathless voice bubbling with questions. “Is the kitchen cold? Can Bunny help with the magic whisk? Will matcha make my toes go super fast today?” She’s all wriggles in her favorite “bunny bun” shorts, “ballet princess” tee a little crooked, Bunny tucked under one arm, thumb hooked in the ribbon around his neck.
You settle her gently on the kitchen counter, knees hugged to her chest, pink toes wiggling above the drawers, as she wiggles with anticipation. “We make lucky matcha, Mama! Super lucky, super bubbly!” Her eyes go huge as you measure the matcha powder, letting her dump it in with a careful tip and a gasp, green dust puffing up and making her sneeze. You pour the milk—oat, just the way she likes—over the bright green mound, and hand her the tiny whisk. She grabs it in both hands, tongue poked out the side of her mouth, brows furrowed in fierce concentration as she whips the mixture, chanting, “More bubbles! More, more, more!”
You laugh, holding her steady, “Easy, chef! Save some for the mug or it’ll be a volcano!”
She shrieks, delighted, when the foam threatens to spill over, cheeks glowing, “We did it, Mama! Look! Bunny says it’s the best one ever.” You pour her a big splash into her sippy cup, clear with little silver moons and her name scrawled in marker, then hand her the pink straw. She clinks her cup to your mug, solemn and proud, “Cheers, Mama. I drink all for lucky, and Bunny drink for brave.”
You tap your mug to hers, “To moonbeams and magic toes!” She sips, gets a bright green mustache that makes her eyes crinkle, then carefully holds Bunny’s mouth to the cup, whispering, “Tiny sips for bravery, okay?” You tell her how helpful she is, how her strong whisking arm made the best bubbles, and how lucky your show day will be with her in charge of the magic. She beams, mouth full of milk and matcha, giggling, “Mama, you gotta drink too! If you want brave kisses, matcha makes them super power!”
You play along, puckering for a kiss, letting her plant a big, foamy one on your cheek. “Best magic I ever tasted, bubba,” you say, and she throws her arms around your neck, cheeks pink and sticky, ready to take on anything, matcha, bunnies, ballet, and all.
Jaemin’s already at the stove, sleeves pushed up, hair still damp from your shower, humming softly as he cracks eggs into the skillet. The kitchen is warm with the sound of bubbling butter, sunlight filtering through the curtains, and the sweet sizzle of pancakes on the griddle. He glances back over his shoulder, grinning at the sight of you and Haeun perched on the counter, cheeks smeared with matcha foam, her little feet kicking the cabinet. “All right, two sleepy bunnies and one brave moonbeam, who wants pancakes and who wants Daddy’s famous cheesy eggs?” he calls, wiggling the spatula.
Haeun raises her sippy cup high, matcha mustache shining, “Pancakes! Bunny wants blueberry face!” She slides off the counter, scampering over in her bunny bun shorts to stand on tiptoe beside him, solemnly handing Bunny to Jaemin for a chef’s kiss before the first pancake flip. You tease, “Better get it perfect, Daddy, or the pancake judge will send you to time-out!”
Jaemin plays along, bows to Bunny and Haeun, and announces, “My best work, for the bravest ballerina and her world-class coach.”
Haeun giggles, wraps herself around your leg, whispering, “Dada makes breakfast happy.” You sweep her up, kissing her nose, watching as Jaemin plates everything with a flourish: bunny-faced pancakes with blueberry eyes and whipped cream whiskers, a little pile of eggs just the way she likes, all arranged on her favorite cloud-shaped plate. He brings it to the table with a wink, “Bon appétit, my moonbeam.” She claps, hands sticky, “Thank you, Daddy!”—and you know, right then, this breakfast is pure magic, a family spell no one could ever break.
The softest robin-egg light has crept across the floor by the time you ease the bedroom door fully open, matcha mugs icing your hands and Jaemin’s quiet footfalls right behind you. Haeun’s “moonbeam dress” already steals the eye from its place on the wardrobe: tulle dyed in three strokes of blue, pale ice at the waist, dawn-sky through the skirt, and a dusk rim at the hem that seems to sip the morning. Tiny seed-pearls follow the seams like lines of first-position fingertips, and a silk bow the colour of quicksilver rests at the exact place her sternum will rise when she takes her opening breath on stage. Beneath it you’ve laid her starlight tights, each ankle dotted with a scatter of silver flecks to mimic rosin dust; her slippers, snow-pale canvas stitched with “Nana Haeun” in neat grey thread, wait with their ribbons curled like resting swan necks. A single bluebell-shaped clip catches the window light beside a satin ribbon no wider than a pinkie, the ribbon strung with her lucky bunny charm.
She sits on the ottoman hugging her knees, excitement and nerves fluttering from the tip-top of her bow to the twitching pink ends of her toes. Her “Ballet Princess” tee has slipped off one shoulder, revealing the tiny throb of her hummingbird pulse, and every few seconds she gives a little bounce, an almost-jump because the thrill won’t stay still inside her. She spots the dress again and lets out a squeak that turns into a bubbling giggle, half shy delight, half disbelief. “Ooh, Mama, is that really for me? Can I twirl just one time before we go? What if the twirl falls out of my head later?” Her fingers tap the ottoman in perfect, impatient fifth-position beats; her eyes, dark and glossy as evening pond water, dart to yours for permission while her heels drum a secret rhythm on the cushion, already rehearsing.
You steady her restless ankles with your palms, smile into her shining eyes, and guide her small hand to your chest. “Easy, moonbeam, feel how my heart stays slow and sure? Yours can follow.” You shift her hand to her own sternum, letting her feel the eager patter that lives there now. “That little drum is your mended star, the miracle that lets you twirl and run again. It’s strong, but it still likes gentle music.” You gently cup her cheeks, thumbs brushing softly over the warmth of her skin, holding her gaze steady with yours. “I want you to dance as wide as the sky tonight, baby—I know you’ve waited so long for this moment, two whole years, and your new heart’s ready to shine brighter than ever. It’s your miracle, and you’re so lucky it’s strong enough now for you to twirl, to run, to leap again—but remember, even miracles need rest. If you feel it flutter too fast or get tired, slow your steps, breathe deep, and look right at me or Daddy. Promise me you’ll listen to your heart, moonbeam?”
You press a gentle kiss to her forehead, smiling into her eyes as she nods, serious and bright, whispering back, “I promise, Mama—my new heart tells me secrets, and I’ll always listen. My heart stays soft and happy.”
You smile softly, catching her bright eyes in the mirror as you gather her thick, silky curls gently into your hands. “Alright, moonbeam, how many ballerina buns are we doing today? Ten? Twenty?” you tease gently, tugging playfully on a soft strand, making her giggle behind the handle of her brush.
“Nooo, Mama,” she protests shyly, eyes crinkling with laughter. “Just two buns! Just two little moon buns!”
“Two moon buns coming right up,” you say, smoothing each glossy strand with careful fingertips, the vanilla-lily scent floating softly around you. “Do you want them fluffy or ballerina-tight today?”
She bites her lip, cheeks rosy and shy, wiggling a little with excitement. “Tight! Really tight pwease! I don’t want my buns to wobble when I do the comet chassé.”
Each strand releases the vanilla-lily scent of her shampoo; you smooth the flyaways with a dab of rose water before twisting two perfect, low buns. She watches your hands in the mirror, cheeks hidden behind the tail of her brush. You gently twist her hair into two low, perfect swirls, each twist smooth and neat, watching carefully for her reaction. “How’s this, bubba? Is it tight enough, or too tight?”
She tests it carefully, turning her head slightly side to side, eyes serious as she considers, then breaks into a shy, delighted grin. “Perfect, Mama! No jelly buns today!”
Laughing softly, you pick up the pearl pins, feeling their smooth coolness roll gently between your fingers as you slide each one carefully into her neatly twisted buns. With every pin secured, you pause briefly, letting her feel the slight tug, watching the tiny crinkle of her nose and the way her cheeks dimple shyly in the mirror. “Now for your accessories,” you murmur warmly, holding up delicate sprigs of baby’s breath that tremble gently, almost as fragile as her excitement. “Do you think we need ten or twenty flowers, moonbeam? I want to make sure you sparkle brighter than everyone tonight.” Your voice is playful, teasing gently, and you tap her tiny nose with the end of a flower.
She gasps dramatically, eyes widening into perfect, glittering circles of wonder, her fingers fluttering like little butterfly wings as she giggles behind one shy palm. “Mama, that’s so many flowers! Bunny says that’s way too much, just a tiny sprinkle, ‘kay?” Her voice is giddy-soft, her excitement bubbling out through quiet, delighted giggles. You nod solemnly, eyes sparkling with affection as you carefully nestle just a few blossoms into each swirl, the petals blending softly with the pearl pins until a gentle halo forms, delicate and perfect around her earnest, cherubic face.
“There we go,” you murmur tenderly, turning her gently towards the mirror again, hands smoothing lightly down her shoulders. “How does that look, my love? Pretty enough for the brightest ballerina in the whole wide world?” Her cheeks flush a gorgeous rose, warmth blooming beneath your fingertips as she shyly ducks her head, gaze peeking at you bashfully through dark lashes, lips curving into the softest smile.
“So pretty, Mama,” she whispers reverently, her voice soft as morning mist, filled with a quiet awe. She clutches Bunny tighter, hiding behind his floppy ear as she whispers, “Bunny says I look like a real moonbeam now—just like the girls on stage.” You lean close, the fragrance of baby’s breath mingling sweetly with the familiar vanilla-lily scent of her hair, pressing a tender, lingering kiss to the top of her head.
“You belong on stage, my little moonbeam,” you breathe softly, your fingertips gently brushing the delicate halo of flowers in her hair. “I’m so happy for you—so proud of you, my ballerina, my dancer.” You watch the soft sparkle of wonder settle beautifully in her eyes, feeling the warmth of her excitement bloom in the shy, glowing curve of her cheeks, knowing that this precious moment will shine brighter in your heart than any spotlight ever could.
When you lift the dress, she throws her arms high like a grand jeté about to leave the barre. The tulle rustles over her head with a sigh. “It tickles my neck!” she giggles, and you hear the scratch of pearls skipping down her spine. You tug the bodice snug, feeling the drum of her heart under your knuckles. She wriggles her toes into the tights, a private little exercise, point-flex, point-flex, then slips each foot into its slipper, heel snug, ribbon wrapped in a tidy figure eight. She leans forward, nose to yours, and sighs, “Thank you for making me pretty, Mama. Do you think people will hear my heart under the music? It’s so loud.”
You cup her cheeks, stroke the warmth there. “They’ll only hear the music and maybe the stars cheering. I’ll clap loud enough to join them.”
Her answering smile is soft and watery; she touches glitter blush to your cheek, to her own, and then leans in for lip balm. She smacks once, satisfied. “Now we match. Two sparkly moons.”
She practises a curtsey in the mirror, cheeks indented with the effort to remember each step of her port de bras. The skirt lifts and settles like a slow wave. She pauses, strokes the silver bow, and murmurs, “Daddy’s going to see this bow first, right? And Bunny’s allowed to watch from my pocket?”
You gather the ribbon with two fingers, press a kiss to the satin. “Bunny is guest of honour, seat front row, left slipper.”
She nods as though receiving stage notes. Jaemin, camera in hand, steps closer and captures her tentative arabesque. “Frame this one,” you whisper, “she looks like a note held at the end of a lullaby.” He snaps another as she runs two quick pas de chat across the rug, the pearls ringing a muted music against her ribs.
Then reality tugs: a shy glance, lower lip tucked between teeth. “Mama, what if my bow falls or I need a hug in the middle?” You scoop her, feel her dress balloon around your thighs, spin once so the skirt fans in perfect third-ring symmetry.
“If the bow falls, Daddy will catch it. If you need a hug, I’ll walk to centre stage, lights or no lights, and hold you until the orchestra starts again.”
She presses her nose into your cheek and breathes, “Love you big-big, Mama. Promise you’ll come back if I get dizzy?”
You tighten your arms, inhaling the mix of matcha on her breath and new fabric at her shoulders. “Always. Every time. Even if you spin all the way to the moon, I’ll follow.” She giggles, squeezes until her fingers ache, and then because she is three and hope is a physical thing, she kisses your eyelid, the lightest brush of lips. In that blue-washed room, the pearls, the bow, the tremble of her slippers on wood, you feel the day expand: stage lights already waiting, curtains already quivering, your moonbeam ready to step into her own gentle sky.
The car hums softly beneath you, gentle notes of Haeun’s “Brave Ballerina” playlist drifting through the speakers as the morning sunlight filters in golden, dancing patterns through the window. Haeun sits snugly in her booster seat, one tiny hand clutching Bunny tightly, the other wrapped securely around your fingers. Her eyes are wide and full of wonder, flickering back and forth between the world outside and you, soft clouds drifting through skies reflected in her gaze, her lips parted softly in awe. “Mama, look!” she squeals, pointing excitedly at every passing landmark, each familiar street somehow transformed by the magic of recital day. She lifts your hand and presses soft, quick kisses onto your knuckles every few moments, humming along to the music. “Mama, is the theatre big-big? Will my twirls echo? Will Bunny hear me?” Her excitement makes her toes wiggle in her slippers, brushing her ballet bag on the floor below.
When Jaemin pulls the car gently into the parking lot, ‘Bluebell Theatre’ gleams softly in the morning glow, sunlight bouncing off glass windows, lavender velvet curtains just visible through the foyer doors. Haeun gasps, leaning eagerly forward, nose nearly touching the glass. “Mama! Daddy! It’s so pretty, like my dress! Are there princesses inside?”
Jaemin chuckles, softly touching her cheek. “There’s at least one princess, moonbeam, and she’s sitting right here.”
Inside the sun-warm foyer, Jaemin kneels to her height, the two of them facing each other in the middle of the lavender-lit chaos, his hands strong and sure, hers tiny and trembling but so determined. Haeun tugs at the hem of his jacket, eyes wide and vulnerable, cheeks warm with shy color. Jaemin takes out their folded “Recital Ready” checklist, a silly tradition they started in recovery, each step sketched in her crayon: bunny hugs, ribbon checks, heart listen, courage stamp. She holds out her wrist, and he presses two fingers lightly, humming theatrically. “Pulse, strong as a lion. Check.” He traces her bow, fingers gentle on her shoulder. “Tulle, fluffiest in the room. Check.” She holds up Bunny, and he gives Bunny a quick, dramatic kiss. “Best friend—present and on duty. Check.”
Haeun shifts closer, voice tiny and trembling, “Dada, am I really really ready? My heart no owie-owie anymore?”
Jaemin leans in, brushing his nose to hers, voice soft and low as if their little world holds only them. “You’re more than ready, beautiful. That beautiful new heart of yours is stronger than any stage. No more owie-owie, not with all this love squeezing it tight. You’re my brave girl, and you’ve got the strongest heartbeat in this whole theatre.” She smiles, cheeks dimpled, breathes out relief and wonder. You watch, your throat tight with pride and something heavier—caught between the sight of Jaemin’s handsome, focused tenderness and your baby girl’s little trembling bravery, feeling heat pool low as memory and longing stir. For a moment, the two of them are all you see: her clinging to every soft word, Jaemin a picture of devotion, his hair shining and jaw sharp, the man who was always your safe place, your ache, your partner in every fear and miracle.
Sometimes, when you look at Haeun now, how she dances down hallways, giggles unburdened, skips up stairs, chases after friends with arms outstretched and laughter so loud you hear it in every room, you remember how impossible that once felt. The endless hospital days, the white glare of machines, her breath caught in pain and exhaustion, her world a grid of waiting rooms and worry. The new heart changed everything, her cheeks pinker, her eyes wider, every movement stronger and more certain, her body humming with possibility. There’s an energy to her now, a freedom she wears even in stillness, the way she spins in your arms without fear of running out of air, the way she hugs tighter, sleeps deeper, wakes every morning humming. That heart beats with everything you and Jaemin have poured into her, every ounce of hope, every late-night vigil, every whispered promise you’d always find your way back to her. Watching her now, bright, trembling and so very alive, you know nothing is wasted. Every ounce of her courage is a testament, every giggle a victory, every step a quiet answer to all the prayers you whispered, year after year, waiting for this day.
The three of you walk hand in hand through the sun-dappled lobby, Haeun’s little fingers squeezed between yours and Jaemin’s, her ballet shoes tapping a secret rhythm on the tiles. Every few steps she pulls you both closer, and then, unable to contain her bubbling excitement, she lifts her feet and leaps, swinging in the air between you, giggling so bright it echoes all the way to the paper stars above. Jaemin squeezes her hand tighter, and you lean in to press a quick kiss to her temple as she lands, the three of you swaying for a second, linked and laughing. “Again! Again!” she squeals, twisting Bunny’s ear in her free fist. With each leap, you whisper the silly mantra you made up together during all those long hospital nights, “sunshine in the middle, love on both sides!”—and with every swing, you both plant the softest kisses on the tops of her hands, until her giggles melt into happy hiccups. You pause by the recital hall doors, and she pulls out the tiny origami heart she made that morning, pressing it into your palm: “Mama, for luck. Dada, for brave.” The three of you stand tangled and grinning, the world narrowed to love, light, and the weightless promise of her leap.
The theatre lobby is all gentle chaos and laughter, sunlight pouring in through tall windows, illuminating walls hung with fluttering paper stars and children’s artwork. The painted ceiling is a swirl of graceful swans and delicate lilies, and Haeun tips her head back, eyes huge and round, her mouth forming a little “O” as she takes it all in. “Mama,” she breathes reverently, fingers tightening around Bunny, “it’s like dancing in the sky.” Her small frame trembles softly with excitement, eyes flicking quickly around the bustling room, ballet friends and families gathering, excited whispers blending into a comforting hum.
Ryujin appears almost immediately, clipboard tucked under her arm, smiling warmly as she kneels before Haeun. “There’s my little sunshine! Ready to sprinkle some starlight?” She carefully pins Haeun’s number onto the pearly bodice, smoothing the tiny tulle skirt gently.
Haeun nods shyly, her fingers twisting in her skirt, eyes hopeful as she peeks up through her lashes. “Teacher Ryujin, will you clap too, even if I wobble a little?”
Ryujin cups her tiny face warmly, smiling tenderly. “Oh, baby, I’ll clap so loud the moon will hear.”
Shotaro comes over, gently checking her slipper ribbons, thumbs softly grazing each tiny ankle, making sure everything is snug but comfortable. “Perfect fit for our brightest star,” he murmurs, winking gently. Niki bounds over, already lively in his silvery-blue comet costume, twirling once in greeting. “Hi, Haeun! Ready to be amazing?” he calls, grinning brightly.
Chaewon and Heejin appear next, little midnight birds in elegant, shimmering black feathers. Chaewon leans close, slipping a single delicate feather from her shoe, whispering conspiratorially, “This is my secret bravery feather. Wanna borrow it?”
Haeun nods eagerly, eyes wide as Chaewon carefully places it inside her slipper. “Now you’re double brave,” Heejin giggles, squeezing Haeun’s hand gently.
The backstage is bustling, air thick with the comforting scent of hairspray and soft powder, filled with the warm chatter of excited ballerinas. You help smooth skirts, whispering gentle reassurances, adjusting ribbons and bows. Haeun never strays far, one hand always clutching Bunny, her other always seeking your fingers or Jaemin’s reassuring palm. “Mama,” she whispers nervously, her voice barely audible above the soft backstage hum, eyes flickering anxiously to the thick velvet curtains, “will you see me when I go on? Will Daddy see my bow?”
You kneel before her, eyes soft and shining, thumbs smoothing gentle circles over her small knuckles. “We’ll see every single step, bubba. Every twirl, every bow, every starlit petal you scatter. We’ll see it all, and we’ll clap loudest of anyone.”
The theatre fills slowly at first, then all at once, a wave of chatter, camera flashes, the sweet rustle of programs in every row. There are four hundred and sixteen seats in Bluebell Theatre tonight, nearly all of them claimed by parents and grandparents, teachers in spring dresses, hospital nurses in neat pastel scrubs, and rows of children from Haeun’s ward dressed up in borrowed tulle and fairy wings, little paper stars stitched to their hair. The air is perfumed with excitement and the faint tang of hairspray, the lilac velvet curtains shimmering under the warm haze of the stage lights. The ceiling mural glows overhead: painted swans, water lilies, and ribbons of gold that seem to flutter each time someone gasps. In the orchestra pit, a student quartet tunes their instruments; the whisper of strings blends with the low hum of anticipation, and somewhere backstage, a teacher hurries by with a tray of glitter and spare slippers.
Backstage is a living thing—a whorl of bodies and hope, tulle brushing walls, little shoes squeaking secrets into the ancient marley, every heartbeat ratcheting higher as the bluebell theatre hums and swells just on the other side of the curtain. The atmosphere is pure, joyful chaos, forty-seven dancers bustling in a flurry of blue, silver, black, and white, each one careful to avoid the racks of costumes and baskets overflowing with props. Ryujin floats through the dressing rooms, pinning stray locks of hair and whispering last encouragements. Shotaro moves from group to group, checking every laced slipper and reminding each child to breathe. At the makeup table, Heejin lets Haeun dab blush onto her nose, Niki spins a plastic star wand for luck, and Chaewon, quiet and calm, smooths a trembling hand down Haeun’s skirt, pressing her secret bravery feather into the lining one last time.
You hover just beyond the tangle of tulle and sneakers, hands wrapped in Jaemin’s, letting yourself blur into the quiet watchfulness only a parent knows, every instinct tuned to your child’s laughter, every muscle twitching with the urge to scoop her up and press her to your heart. She’s a watercolor in motion, her dress hiked up around her knees as she collapses giggling on the carpet, Bunny clutched between her ankles, cheeks so round and pink you want to kiss them from across the room. Her friends tumble around her, Niki’s slipper spinning like a satellite, Chaewon showing off a secret twirl, Heejin’s hands sticky with lemon stars, and in the kaleidoscope swirl of their chaos you see all the wild hope of childhood shining right through.
Jaemin is beside you, thumb grazing the back of your hand, his eyes gone misty as he snaps a photo on his phone, holding it up to show you, “look, baby, they’re a painting. That’s our girl, in the middle.”
You can’t help but grin, the kind that aches at the corners, whispering, “She’s never been so bright,” as Jaemin zooms in, catching Haeun’s tiny tongue poked out in concentration as she braids Bunny’s ear. You lean in, tucking your chin on his shoulder, hearts pressed close, and he turns, kissing your cheek before angling the camera for a quick selfie, his face still glittered, your eyes wet, both of you caught in that sweet, giddy moment where nothing exists except the bubble of backstage joy.
There’s a pause, the kind that only lasts a second but feels like forever, Jaemin holding your waist, you smoothing down your own skirt, eyes tracing the silhouette of Haeun and her crew, how their legs tangle, how her fingers curl around Chaewon’s pinky, the unguarded love spilling out in every glance and giggle. You nudge Jaemin, nodding at the cookie tin in the corner, “Think if we sneak a treat now, they’ll notice?”
He laughs, whispering back, “Our baby would trade us for a gummy star any day.” Still, you pocket a lemon candy for later, a small keepsake for after the applause.
When Haeun looks up, searching for you, her eyes catch yours, wide and awash with giddy pride, cheeks flushed, mouth half-open like she can’t decide whether to run to you or blow a kiss. You raise your hand, tapping your heart, mouthing, “I love you, moonbeam.” Her lips round in an “O,” she grins, hugs Bunny tighter, and you know she carries every bit of your love right onto the stage, every beat of her joy sewn into the blue threads of her dress, every hope you ever held for her glowing in the golden hush before her leap.
The chaos backstage is like a bubbling fairytale written in giggles and gasp-loud mishaps, every stumble blooming into something more beautiful because you’re all in it together. your little family is orbiting right at the heart of it. Niki tries his signature “space jump” and his slipper launches off with a thwap, bouncing beneath the skirts of older girls and disappearing into a jungle of costumes. Haeun shrieks—half-laugh, half-hero—her feet barely touching the ground as she scrambles after Heejin, who’s crawling on elbows like a rescue mission, while Chaewon waves her arms, hollering, “Other left! Other left!” All you can do is laugh, heart thumping wild, darting in just in time to grab the slipper before a mountain of petticoats topples down.
You scoop up Haeun too, pressing her close, whispering, “See, baby? No lost slippers on our watch. You got the fastest rescue squad in town.”
Jaemin swoops in next, all big shoulders and crinkled eyes, dropping to a crouch so Haeun can slip the slipper back onto Niki’s wiggling toes, and when she fumbles, he guides her hand, his voice warm, “That’s it, moonbeam, glass slipper magic, just like the story.” Haeun beams, Bunny flopping from her elbow, and you all dissolve into laughter so loud it bounces off the wings and makes the older dancers turn, shaking their heads with fond smiles. Nurse Hana pops out of the crowd, armed with pins and a roll of cartoon bandages, fixing crooked bows, sticking a sticker on Chaewon’s hand (“Most Helpful!”), her grin a secret promise that every little disaster will be celebrated.
Heejin, now regal with bunny ears perched lopsided atop her head, parades along the line, blowing kisses and bestowing “luck taps” to every friend, while you nudge Jaemin in the ribs and whisper, “Think anyone’s got more fun than our girl tonight?”
He grins, fake-sighing, “We should be charging admission just to watch you two giggle.”
When Haeun catches you looking, she sticks her tongue out, then scrambles into your lap for a nose-kiss, giggling, “Mama, you’re my best slipper catcher. Dada’s my glass slipper prince!” For a moment, the three of you are tangled together, cheek to cheek, breathless and gleaming and full of love so silly and strong, you wish the world would never spin past this night.
It’s not just the dancers, their stuffed animals are in full attendance too, a pageant of plush: a bear in a hand-sewn tutu, a duck who sports six star stickers, Bunny regal atop Haeun’s shoulder. The older kids judge with dramatic flair, waving colored cards. “Sparkliest Toes!” goes to Chaewon, “Heroic Flop!” to Niki, “Best Bunny Ballet Partner!” unanimously to Bunny himself, who is immediately hoisted for a group selfie, every face squished together, half laughing, half beaming, all of them shining.
Then disaster strikes with a rain of gold: Niki, trying to conjure a “ballet spell,” upends a tub of glitter, rivulets running over toes, sparkling on eyelashes, dusting Bunny and all the bows. For a moment, the world is only gold, and Jaemin, swept in for a last-minute hug, emerges with a five-pointed star on his cheek. The kids squeal, trying to tag him with more, and Ryujin surrenders her shoes to the mob, letting them paint on stripes of shimmer, every footprint a trail of stardust. For the rest of the night, even the air feels enchanted, each breath a little brighter, every photo touched by flecks of light.
When nerves threaten, the pep talk chain wraps around the wings: each child leans into the next, soft encouragement passed like a secret charm, “You leap like a comet!” “Your bow’s the bravest!” “You look like a real moonbeam!” When it comes to Haeun, her hands trembling, Bunny clutched tight, she squeezes his paw and whispers, “Love you big-big, don’t fall down!” The air swells with it, arms tangle, tulle bunches, and there’s a group squeeze that leaves everyone out of breath, every heart pounding. Suddenly, the hospital kids are among them, tiny in doctor’s coats, cheeks bright, sticker sheets at the ready. Each dancer lines up for their badge: “Bravery,” “Best Glitter Rescue,” “Most Magical Moonbeam.” Haeun bows so low her nose touches her knees, her badge pressed proudly onto Bunny’s ribbon. There’s no line between audience and cast, sick and well, everyone is radiant, everyone chosen, everyone seen.
At last, Bunny pressed into Haeun’s arms, the last squeeze tight with every secret hope and trembling dream. The stage is just steps away—her friends on one side, you on the other, Jaemin at the edge, and every child carrying the rituals, the laughter, the belief that tonight the world might actually be kind. The hush before the leap is thick, holy—your moonbeam’s hands in yours, the magic of hope spun between trembling fingers, and a certainty that no matter what happens when the curtain rises, she will never be alone. Not in a world this full of love, not when every heart backstage is pounding, aching, living for her.
The moment the emcee’s welcome drifts through the speaker, Jaemin slides an old silver coin, polished so thin the ridges have vanished, into Haeun’s palm. It’s the same “bravery penny” he rubbed between his fingers outside the surgical theatre two years ago, and she knows the story by heart, but tonight her gasp is brand-new, wide-eyed, as if it minted itself just for her. She presses it flat against her sternum, feeling the quick skip of her mended heart beneath blue pearls, and you guide her thumb to trace the faint outline of Liberty’s head. “That’s you,” Jaemin whispers, voice low and conspiratorial. “Standing tall, shining even when the lights go down.”
Haeun nods, forehead touching his, then slips the coin into Bunny’s ribbon sash, her own secret armor, before she gathers a fistful of star petals from the prop basket and tucks one behind your ear. “Now you’re twinkly like me, Mama,” she giggles, the petal trembling with her breath. The call for Act I comes again, brighter, nearer; she wiggles from your arms, coin secured, petals rustling in her fist, and for one exquisite instant the three of you share the same inhale, the same pulse, the same promise that when she steps into the light, every beat of your joined hearts will echo in her dance.
Jaemin scoops Haeun closer so her legs dangle around his waist, her cheek nuzzled into his damp curls. He coos, a lilt so soft only you and your moonbeam could ever hear, “Who’s Dada’s little dancer? Who’s my prettiest, bravest, shiniest ballerina?” His fingers trace circles along her back, slow and sure.
Haeun’s lips split into that gummy, half-toothed grin. She buries her face shyly, giggles a nervous “Me! Haeunie, Dada’s baby girl. Mama’s moonbeam too!”
You lean in so close your foreheads nearly touch, the shimmer from your top dusting her cheek, and your hands cradle the curve of her jaw, thumbs soft at her pulse. “Who’s Mama’s sugar-bubba, hm? Who’s my sparkliest spark, my jellybean moon, my whole universe squeezed into a tutu?”
Your nose nuzzles hers, breath a tickle, and she squeals, legs kicking, voice high and proud and so impossibly sweet. “Me, Mama! Me—your moonbeam, your bubble star, your Haeunie!” She presses her nose hard to yours, giggling until she snorts, tiny hands trying to cup your cheeks the way you always do.
You whisper, “All mine, forever and ever—my baby, my best girl, the reason the sky has blue in it at all.”
She bites back a shy little laugh, eyes wide and watery, and burrows deeper into your neck, voice muffled and lisping: “Mama, do you love me more than pancakes? More than Bunny? More than… more than all the ballet shows ever?”
You gasp, scandalized, winding her wild hair around your finger, “More than every pancake, more than every Bunny, more than every star on every stage, forever times forever. Who loves you the most, moonbeam?”
She grins, squeezing your arms, “You, Mama! And Dada too, but Mama first!” You both break down giggling, the sound sticking in your throats, until you’re kissing her nose and she’s pressing sticky little kisses back, over and over, like neither of you can stand to stop, the whole world shrinking to just your hearts tangled, beating right there in the velvet-lit wings.
Suddenly her nerves get the best of her, and she tugs you both down so you’re eye-to-eye, her fingers knotting in your collar, legs locked tight around Jaemin’s waist, heart beating against your own. “Mama, Dada, are the scary juju ladies gonna come tonight? The ones we saw at the park?” Her voice trembles, almost lost in the backstage noise, but your own chest aches at the worry you hear. “I dreamt they were there and they tried to take my bows and steal my shoes. Will they ruin my show, Mama? I don’t want them to touch me.”
Your heart shudders, God, you would burn the world for her, would leap onstage yourself to chase every shadow away. You drop to your knees, catching her face in your hands, pressing your lips softly to each brow, each cheek, the tip of her trembling nose. “Listen to me, Haeun. No one—no one—will ever touch you or take away your stage. If you see anything scary, you look for me, you look for Daddy. We’ll be there the whole time, front row. I promise. You’re safe and you’re ours. And you’re going to shine so bright tonight, those ladies won’t even remember how to frown.”
Jaemin kisses her temple, murmuring, “Not a single shadow’s getting near you, baby. You’ve got Mama’s heart, Dada’s hug, and Bunny’s magic. You’re surrounded, see?” He squeezes her close, and the three of you fold together, a knot of arms, noses, giggles, all tangled up in love that could light up the moon. She clings a second longer, soaking it in, your hands stroking her hair while Jaemin hums your hospital lullaby, slow, grounding, steady as hope itself. She melts, eyelids fluttering, lashes dusting your palm, and you see the nerves fade, replaced by something braver, more certain.
You pull her close, arms winding around that tiny, starlit body, your lips pressing gently and trembling into the round of her cheek, your own cheek pressed to hers until you’re both squished and giggling, Jaemin’s hands sneaking in from the other side to sandwich you both. The world narrows to the scent of her, matcha, baby shampoo, sugar, and nerves and you hear the thud of your own pulse, wild and breaking with the weight of love, as he snaps the photo. Your lipstick smears, blooming like a mark of belonging across her forehead, but she only beams, eyes wide as the moon. You duck your head so she can see nothing but you, your hands cupping her face, your voice shaking but true as vows: “You know you saved my life, right, Haeun? You fixed my heart. You made me a Mama, my best thing, my miracle. I was always meant to be yours. Everything in this world I do, I do for you. My heart—baby, my heart only beats because you’re here. If I lost you, there’s no more me.”
Her eyes well, lashes shimmering, and she catches your wrist in both her little hands, Bunny squished to her chest. She frowns with all her might, so fiercely it hurts, whispering, “Don’t go, Mama. Don’t go nowhere. Promise?”
Jaemin’s voice is thick, rough-edged, but soft as he pulls you both into him, forehead to forehead, “No one’s ever going anywhere, baby. We’re your sky, and you’re our star. We stick together, always.”
Haeun nods, squeezing so hard your bones ache, her voice barely a breath: “Love you big-big, Mama. Dada, love you bigger than the whole sky, and all the clouds and all the lights in the whole city, forever and ever.” Her nose rubs yours, lips brushing your jaw, clinging for a minute longer, the three of you tangled in a knot of arms and heartbeat and hope, not ready to let go, every goodbye a promise to come back, every single time.
As you help her into line, you tuck a tiny folded note into her skirt, brushing her ear with a secret: “If you get nervous, check your pocket, baby. Mama loves you big-big.”
She squeezes your hand, finds the note, and waves it at you, bunny pressed tight to her heart. “I’ll dance for you, Mama! I’ll twirl for you, Dada!” Her voice is giddy, almost bursting, cheeks glowing, feet barely touching the floor.
The stage manager’s call sweeps through again, “places, please! Curtain in one minute!”—and you both kneel, pressing kisses to her nose, cheeks, brow, her lips bubbling with shy, happy squeaks. Jaemin murmurs, “You make my heart so proud, little one. I’ll be watching every step.”
You whisper, “Shine for us, baby. I’ll clap so big the stars will hear.”
She wriggles, grins, presses Bunny’s nose to both your cheeks for luck, then suddenly turns bashful, eyes wide. “Will you wave, Mama? So I can find you?”
You nod, fighting back tears, “Always, baby. Look for my hands. Look for Daddy’s star cheek. We’ll be right there.”
A cluster of patients surround your beautiful family, patients who have become her fiercest champions: Jisoo in her pink wheelchair with the rainbow wheel covers, shy Miri holding a stuffed fox, Jinwoo tracing stars on his arm in pen. Every child, dancer or patient, glows in their own way, hair slicked into buns or pressed flat under hats, costumes sparkling, eyes wide with anticipation. Jaemin moves through their circle with gentle gravity, bending low so he’s face to face with each child, the familiar stethoscope gleaming at his collar. One by one, he gives a quick “heart check” for luck, pressing the bell over each chest and listening with exaggerated seriousness, “strongest heartbeat in the house!”—before cupping his hand to their sternum, whispering just to them, “You’re magic, you’re the bravest I know.”
Jaemin knows each of these children better than most, he’s been their doctor, their champion, the one who coaxed smiles in the early mornings and soothed them through the darkest nights. As chief of peds, he’s patched scrapes, memorized every allergy and every lullaby, and always finds time to kneel at eye level, never speaking down to them, always meeting their fears with warmth and gentle humor. In the dressing room now, it’s the patients who comfort him, tugging at his sleeve to show off their costumes or pressing handmade bracelets into his palm, reminding him with shy, grateful hugs that he’s as much a part of their story as the doctors and nurses behind the curtain. They all crowd close around him, some patting his back, others squeezing his hand, whispering encouragement back, “you’re brave too, Dr. Na!”—as if his courage is just as necessary as theirs tonight, and in their laughter and love, the whole room glows softer and safer.
The children giggle, some wiggling shyly, others reaching for his hand or his coat, and when it’s Haeun’s turn she climbs into his lap and demands, “Check Bunny too, Dada, he needs magic heartbeats for the show!”
Jaemin grins and solemnly listens to Bunny’s chest, declaring him “approved for the stage.” Laughter spills out in a wave, the nerves breaking.
Then it’s time. Haeun lines up with her friends, hands linked, bouncing on her toes, the peds kids flanking her in a scatter of bright costumes and hospital bracelets. She skips away toward the wings, turning once, twice, then a third and fourth time, each time flashing a gummy smile at you and Jaemin, blowing kisses so enthusiastically that Bunny nearly tumbles from her arm. You catch every one, heart aching with pride and hope as your moonbeam disappears into the hush of the wings, her joy lingering in the air like confetti. You feel Jaemin’s hand curl around yours, thumb tracing the inside of your wrist where your pulse is wild and unsteady. The audience buzzes behind you, a sea of parents and soft laughter, the smell of perfume and theatre dust but all you feel is the echo of her tiny fingers letting go. Jaemin leans in, lips brushing your temple, soft as a vow. “That’s our girl,” he whispers, voice hoarse, breath warm against your skin, and you tip your chin, meeting his mouth with your own, your kiss hungry and trembling, a secret shared in the half-light. Your arms slide around his neck, his hands spread wide at your waist, and for a moment you both breathe each other in, letting the world shrink to just the two of you, grief and awe and gratitude all burning beneath your ribs.
He presses his forehead to yours, nose brushing your cheek, and you smile against his mouth, whispering, “You made this, too. You’re her miracle, my miracle.” He answers with a nuzzle and another kiss, lingering this time, before you both move down the row, your hand never leaving his, towards your seats. Just ahead, you spot your dad, tears already bright in his eyes, and your aunt beside him, clutching her hands together so tightly her knuckles are white. Jaemin’s parents wave you over, his mother dabbing her cheeks with a tissue, his father’s arm slung around her shoulders as he beams with pride.
You squeeze into the row, Jaemin’s arm staying firmly around your waist, and everyone shifts to make room, cheeks flushed with love, eyes brimming with unspoken words. Your dad squeezes your hand, whispering, “She’s got your spirit, honey.” Jaemin’s mom tucks a curl behind your ear, eyes glistening, and your aunt presses a trembling kiss to your temple, murmuring, “Our little star.” The lights dim, the crowd quiets, and the orchestra begins its soft overture. Jaemin leans in again, lips brushing the shell of your ear, his hand warm and steady at your thigh. “You ready, Mama?” he teases, voice low and intimate. You squeeze his fingers and nod, heart thundering, tears pricking your eyes, and together, surrounded by family, by the miracle you made, you wait to watch your moonbeam shine.
All at once, the stage door swings wide, and out step Dr. Byun Baekhyun, his black suit immaculate, and Shotaro in a navy suit that sparkles almost as brightly as his grin. The applause rises, warm and full, as Baekhyun crosses to center stage, the house settling into hush. “Good evening, friends, families, beloved dancers, and our brave patients,” Baekhyun begins, his voice gentle but resonant, echoing across the hush. “Welcome to the Spring Moon Ballet Gala, Starlit Dreams, an evening where we celebrate not only the beauty and art of dance, but the boundless resilience of our children. Tonight is more than a recital, it’s a homecoming, a reunion, a moment to remember why we keep hoping. Every pirouette, every leap, every soft step you’ll see is made possible by love, science, and the fierce hearts of our little ones.” He glances fondly at the front rows, at a scattering of wheelchairs and IV poles decorated with ribbons, and you feel the tightness in your throat as Jaemin squeezes your hand, both of you brimming with memory.
Baekhyun continues, “This gala is a fundraiser, supporting the Pediatric Cardiology and Arts in Healing Program at Bluebell Hospital, where our dancers and many of our patients have spent long days and longer nights. Tonight, every donation, every ticket, every cheer will help us offer music, art, and therapy to more children in recovery. And this year, for the very first time, we’re honored to welcome our sister hospital, St. Mary’s Children’s Heart Centre, whose own dancers and patients are joining us in a celebration of courage, friendship, and second chances.” The spotlight sweeps to the opposite wing, where a small group of children and nurses from St. Mary’s wave shyly, each wearing matching moonbeam pins.
Shotaro steps forward, the stage lights glinting off his tie as he beams at the sea of faces. “Every child here has a story, a story of resilience, of healing, of hope. When we dreamed up tonight’s performance, we wanted every child to know: you’re not alone. You’re seen. You’re celebrated. So, before we begin, please join me in applauding not just our ballerinas, but the brave patients of Bluebell and St. Mary’s, and the doctors, nurses, and families who never gave up on a miracle.”
He turns to Baekhyun, their hands clasped in a gesture of solidarity. “And now, for the first time, a collaboration that fills this stage with twice as much joy: our opening act will be performed by the Bluebell Ballet Troupe and the children of the Bluebell and St. Mary’s Pediatric Cardiology Wards, a dance of starlight and strength, of dreams shared and hope reborn. Tonight, every heart in this room beats together. Thank you for believing, for giving, for dancing with us.” Applause erupts, the whole theatre blooming with warmth and gratitude, and you turn to Jaemin, your cheeks damp, his thumb swiping a stray tear from your face. On stage, the children begin to assemble, a twinkling constellation of blue, white, and silver, and your own moonbeam waits in the wings, ready to turn hope into something you can see and feel and never, ever forget.
The house lights drift down to cobalt, and a hush rises through every row like a held breath as the curtain glides aside. The stage greets the audience with a heartbeat of its own, an indigo glow that slips across a floor polished to black mirror, mirroring coils of silver mist that snake around the footlights and braid themselves at the foot of a towering crescent moon. That moon, built of papier mâché but painted in eleven layers of pearlescent wash, gleams like a freshly struck bell; each nick and brushstroke catches the haze so it pulses gently, a living rhythm that promises the entire night will breathe in time with the children onstage. Behind it, a rear scrim painted with snow-white swans seems liquid as it shifts between twilight violets and deep marine blues, as though pond water and sky water trade secrets in slow tides of color. Up above, a swaying canopy of paper stars spans the proscenium, thousands of them, every one cut by small, determined fingers in the ward’s craft room, each tipped with phosphorescent paint and inscribed with a wish: for fewer needles, for Friday discharge, for big-big twirls. When the overhead rig kicks on, those stars ignite like a constellation newly discovered, a map no astronomer could chart because it points not to galaxies but to children’s hearts.
Set dressers have threaded the wings with ribbons of midnight tulle, each strand pinned with miniature white doves sculpted from featherweight clay. Every few feet a dove hovers in the gloom, wings open, chest arched, a miracle paused in mid-flight. Whenever the dancers pass too close, their skirts brush the silk ribbons so the birds sway, catching stray beams of light and scattering them in quick flutters of gold. Those flashes, faint but insistent, are the first hints of yellow in a dominantly blue world: a promise that dawn follows night, that warmth follows hush. On the stage left ramp, a cluster of star pillows, stuffed by volunteers and stitched with constellations in lemon embroidery floss, waits for the youngest dancers to tumble over in their entrance, each pillow designed to puff a little cloud of cornstarch shimmer into the air. Even the orchestra pit carries the color story: the harp is strung with pale-yellow ribbons, and the principal violinist’s scroll is wrapped in a band of sunflower satin that picks up every shaft of light.
Lighting cues deepen the symbolism as the overture warms. A wash of cool sapphire sweeps up from the booms, bathing the swans and the mist in nautical hush, while pin-spots of buttery gold slide across the paper stars until they seem to drip honey. The effect is tidal: blue settles the house into quiet reverence, yellow lifts the gaze toward possibility. Stage right, the ‘Dream Starlets’ crescent glows in a halo of candle-bright LEDs, small rings of warm light that make their silk-wrapped wheelchairs glimmer ivory, not hospital white. Upstage center, Ryujin has set a low, revolving gobo that projects cracked-sunlight spokes across the marley; whenever fog drifts through, those golden spokes fragment into wings, so the stage itself appears to pulse with dove shadows. The first three rows see it first—light breaking in feathers against the black floor—and a ripple of audience sighs testifies that everyone understands: this is not just scenery. It is the soul of the night made visible.
When the opening chords of “Clair de Lune” unfurl, the color palette breathes a final transition. Blue fades to the rich cobalt of deep water, and a single bar of pristine, unfiltered yellow pours downstage, illuminating the exact spot where Haeun will place her first plié. That ray of gold is narrow, tender, and fiercely bright, as if someone cut a sliver of sunrise and aimed it at her heart. It splits the stage into halves, midnight left, morning right so that her very first step will physically bridge shadow and day, illness and recovery, the uncertain past and the glitter-threaded future. No one in the house moves; no cough breaks the hush. In that charged stillness, every adult in the audience can almost see the surgery incisions fading, the IV lines dissolving, the monitors blinking farewell in a dark ICU room. The stage is a promise written in light and paper and breath: blue grief met by yellow grace, a white dove hovering where the two colours clasp.
At center stage, bathed in that slender blade of sunrise-yellow light, Haeun stands on a trembling demi-pointe, blue-pearl skirt quivering around her ankles. Two paces behind her, five of her ballet-classmates wait in a staggered V, palms pressed to hearts, ready to bloom outward in the first ripple of music. Just inside the left wing, Niki—the Comet—bounces on the balls of his feet, silver streamers coiled in his fists, counting down the measures until he can explode across the marley. Directly opposite, hidden behind a curtain of midnight tulle, Heejin and Chaewon—Midnight Birds—mirror each other in soft pliés, fingertips grazing feathered skirts while whispering last-second reminders: “wings first, smiles second, catch Haeunie if she wobbles.” Farther upstage, the older volunteers, tall teenagers in silver capes, form a quiet semicircle around the moon prop, each holding a lantern they will plant like stepping-stones when the children’s galaxy begins to spin. Stage left belongs to the ambulatory peds patients: four little survivors in pastel tunics and soft ballet flats, poised on a low ramp, streamers looped through IV poles disguised as shooting stars. Their eyes glow in the half-dark, hands clutching ribbon wands that will unfurl at Haeun’s first scattering of petals
Stage right gleams with the Dream Starlets: a row of star-pillowed risers hides wheelchairs beneath folds of lustrous silk, braided garlands of lilies draping over tucked-away IV lines so the medical becomes mythic. Each Starlet holds a wand tipped with a LED bulb, warm, flickering amber, to echo the yellow thread of hope running through the blue night. Behind them stand two “guardian” dancers, both former patients now healthy enough to lift props: they rest a reassuring hand on every chairback, ready to steady wheels when the platform glides forward. In the shadowed wings, Ryujin mouths eight-count phrases while Shotaro rolls his shoulders like a maestro about to summon an orchestra, and Nurse Hana crouches near the prompter box, handkerchief already damp, her free palm hovering in case any trembling knee or runaway ribbon needs rescuing. The footlights hum soft gold, and the hush is so complete you can hear the orchestra leader inhale, the swish of Haeun’s breath, the collective hope of a packed house waiting for the very first step to turn night into dawn.
From the first down-beat of Claude Debussy’s “Clair de Lune,” the production plants its feet squarely in classical technique, yet every step, every bourrée, every arabesque, every breath, is tailored to children whose bodies have known IV poles and surgical scars. Shotaro spent weeks breaking the choreography into color-coded stories: blue cards for pliés and port de bras that teach balance, yellow cards for petits jetés that build calf strength without taxing fragile hearts, silver cards for partnered promenades that let tiny dancers feel flight while an older volunteer quietly carries most of the weight. In rehearsals Ryujin paces the marley with a metronome, slowing the waltz counts so the Dream Starlets in wheelchairs can wheel forward on cue, their spokes timed to the harp glissandi. Every child learns to read the score almost like a picture book, crescendo means “hands like wings,” fermata means “listen for your own heartbeat.” They practise in mirrored studios and in hospital corridors alike, feather boas traded for oxygen tubing, nurses clapping the counts at shift-change, until the ballet feels less like choreography and more like collective muscle memory.
The overture hushes, a single golden spotlight slices the darkness, and there, tiny toes in fifth, blue tulle aflutter, stands Haeun, a moonrise in human form. Every eye locks on her shy, gap-toothed grin, and the paper-star canopy seems to lean closer, as if the theatre itself is holding its breath for her first plié. Haeun steps into that hush, a single blue bloom of tulle and pearl, toes perfectly placed in fifth. She tips forward on demi-pointe, scattering her first handful of silk petals, and the stage drinks the light pouring off her smile. You clasp Jaemin’s fingers so tight they ache, tears blurring the scene as your little girl, cheeks glowing, lashes trembling, tiptoes across a circle of soft azure, arms drifting overhead in a moon-shaped port de bras. Every plié feels like the earth itself lowering in reverence; every port de bras, a lullaby to the ceiling mural of lilies. Blue petals trail behind her, marking the path of a lost moonbeam searching for home. She pauses, presses two fingers to her heart as though she can still feel the bravery penny tucked beneath her bodice, then lets her free hand unfurl toward the Front Row, toward you, toward her grandparents, toward every soul who once watched her breathe through wires. Your sob breaks before you can swallow it, and Jaemin’s shoulders tremble beside you, his free hand hiding the wet shine in his eyes.
A flash of silver slices the dim: Niki bursts on in a comet’s spiral, streamers streaming, landing in a wide second with a flourish that sets the audience laughing. He tears into a diagonal of grands jetés—one, two, three—then springs into a back handspring that ends at Haeun’s feet. He bows with show-off bravado, offering his hand like a prince coaxing a shy princess into mischief. Haeun’s giggle lifts, bright as bells; she slips her fingers into his and the music shifts, tambourine and pizzicato strings propelling them into a skipping mazurka that circles the moon. Niki darts ahead, swings around a velvet star pillow, beckons her after him; she chases with quick pas de bourrée, flutter-light, skirts flaring, until he slows, winks at the front row, and kneels so she can pirouette over his outstretched arm. Her skirt blooms, the pearls wink, and the house gasps when she lands without a quiver.
Niki lunges forward, offering a flourish of his silver‐streamered arm, and Haeun answers with a shy, fluttering révérence, fingertips grazing the skirt of her moonbeam dress. On the downbeat they launch into a zig-zag pas de basque that carries them in mirror paths, Niki slicing wide arcs, Haeun tracing smaller echoes just inside his sweep so their skirts and streamers braid blue and silver in the air. When the melody flicks upward, Niki coils into a tight tour en l’air, landing in fourth as Haeun darts beneath his lifted elbow, executing a quick glissade–jeté that makes her look like a spark thrown off his orbit. They meet downstage centre and link pinkies, tiny, deliberate touch and pivot into a shared chaîné sequence. Niki’s turns are broad, daring, the ribbons on his wrists snapping into spirals; Haeun’s are compact, her toes whispering over the floor in a blur of blue satin. Mid-turn, he releases her, drops to one knee, and she vaults over his bowed head in a miniature échappé sauté, landing lightly on the far side where she rests Bunny atop his crown like a knight’s laurel. The audience laughs, but the choreography barely pauses: Niki rises, scoops her waist, and together they spin in a cradle lift that arcs across the golden wash of footlights, his knees bent deep to protect her post-surgery heart, her arms stretched first position high, face tilted toward the paper-star canopy.
In the quiet that follows the lift, their feet skitter into a playful mazurka step—heel, toe, hop—tracing a half-moon that brings them back to centre. Niki tosses a streamer skyward; Haeun pursues it with a tiny cabriole derrière, legs scissoring just enough to catch a glint of pearl under the lights. He crowns the moment with a flashing saut de chat that lands in a whipped assemblé, his streamer spiralling down to coil around Bunny’s ear. They dissolve into giggles, breaking character just long enough for Haeun to press Bunny’s nose to Niki’s cheek, her solemn little ceremony of thanks, before she flits upstage to await the Midnight Birds. The duet, short but blazing, marries two vocabularies in one heartbeat: Niki’s grand, explosive lines speak of loud, kinetic courage, and Haeun’s precise, floating steps whisper of a brave heart newly mended, together proving that heroism can be both thunderbolt and moon-soft glow.
From opposite sides float Chaewon and Heejin, the Midnight Birds, feathers stitched into black-blue tulle that catches the light like oil-slick rainbows. They glide in arabesque penchée, arms sweeping wide, then cross downstage in mirrored pas de chat, each step timed so the feathers on their wrists blur into gauzy motion. They encircle Haeun, one at her back, one at her front, cradling her hands, teaching her to “flutter”: gentle bourrées that skim the floor, a tender assemblé into their arms. When she stumbles mid-turn, just a toe not quite under, Chaewon’s palm presses steady to her ribs, Heejin flashes a conspiratorial grin, and the audience exhales in collective relief. Together they flow into a pas de trois of soutenu turns: Heejin rotates, then guides Haeun; Chaewon mirrors on the other side, creating a slow-spinning triangle of skirts and shared breath. Their final lift is modest but perfect, Haeun drawn into the air, legs in sous-sus, arms curved overhead, long enough for her face to catch the down-light and break into a dazzled, dimpled smile that brings your tears anew. Chaewon and Heejin, the Midnight Birds, move in elongated adagio phrases, low arabesque penchée, rippling cambré backs, quiet pas de bourrée couru, teaching the audience that bravery can be soft, watchful, almost motherly.
When Haeun drifts to centre stage, flanked gently by Heejin and Chaewon in shimmering midnight feathered skirts, the theatre goes completely silent, breath held in collective wonder. Every delicate tilt of her chin, every slow rise of her arms into a perfect fifth, transforms her from your tiny girl into something ethereal, a white dove carved from moonlight, wings unfurling softly beneath a silver glow. She mirrors her partners with flawless poise, executing graceful bourrées en couru that glide across the polished floor like whispers of silk, the three of them perfectly synchronized, their fingertips brushing gently through arcs of soft blue light. Haeun’s gaze never wavers, her tiny frame impossibly elegant, her expression serene, eyes wide with a wisdom that shouldn’t belong to someone barely three years old, yet it does, astonishingly, beautifully so. The scouts who had come expecting only sweet chaos are leaning forward now, eyes widening, brows knitted in disbelief, spellbound by a child whose every movement breathes pure magic. Beside you, Jaemin’s eyes glisten wetly, and you’re openly weeping, your heart aching with pride so fierce and bright it feels like it could burn right through you. Each gentle développé, every poised arabesque, every tender fouetté sauté is not just a steps, it’s proof of a miracle, a testament of a heart that fought to beat and now soars effortlessly, gracefully, through this fairy-tale moment, leaving even the sternest observers utterly enchanted.
The fog creeps rosier as the Dream Starlets wheel into view, streamers trailing behind their crescent moon like comet tails. The Dream Starlets introduce gesture work drawn from rehabilitative physiotherapy: ribbon spirals replace classical port de bras, and gentle shoulder rolls become a flock of white doves hovering at dawn. These vocabularies converge when the orchestra shifts into John Williams’s “Hymn to the Fallen,” re-orchestrated for strings and children’s choir; every dancer steps into circular formations that resemble a great, turning orrery, each orbit dependent on Haeun’s tiny center of gravity. Each child raises a glowing star wand; one taps a cymbal for a twinkle of sound, another releases a puff of biodegradable glitter that rides the stage breeze. Haeun runs to them, scattering her last petals across their laps. A young boy with post-surgery bandages lowers his wand so she can kiss it; a girl with oxygen tubing lifts her streamer and Haeun spins beneath its arc, letting Bunny’s ears flap like victory flags. The moment feels suspended, nurses crying openly, doctors wiping lenses, parents clapping as softly as they can so they do not break the spell.
When the music dips softly into a gentle lullaby, the spotlight shifts tenderly to the Dream Starlets at stage right, their wheelchairs transformed beneath silks shimmering silver and lavender, IV poles woven artfully with starry vines, ribbons cascading like falling starlight. Haeun moves toward them, floating with delicate bourrées, her small hands gracefully extending to each child as she passes, twirling and scattering silk petals that settle softly in their hair, on their laps, like kisses blown from fingertips. In this quiet hush, the entire theatre leans in closer, hearts swelling as Haeun takes her place among them, matching her gentle movements to theirs, leading them in soft port de bras that ripple like slow, shimmering waves beneath the moonlit scrim.
She pauses, smiling tenderly, and steps gracefully to the side, arms stretching wide to proudly present the Dream Starlets, their moment alone under the soft glow. They move gently, hands lifting skyward as though catching moonbeams, faces alight with radiant pride, each careful gesture an echo of their resilience. The audience breathes softly together, captivated, enchanted, while Haeun, now side-stage, peeks mischievously toward the crowd, catching your teary gaze with bright, playful eyes. Suddenly she’s your baby girl again, gummy smile flashing wide and impossibly cheeky, tiny thumbs springing upward, lips puckering dramatically for exaggerated air-kisses toward you and Jaemin. Her grandparents clutch hands to hearts, shoulders shaking softly with laughter through happy tears, while you press your fingers to trembling lips, overcome with joy. Jaemin shakes his head, laughing softly as he dabs his cheeks, whispering, “That’s our girl,” while Haeun wiggles her nose and scrunches her face playfully, a joyous spark igniting laughter amidst your tears—your star, your miracle, your moonbeam glowing brighter than any spotlight could ever shine.
Haeun stands in the exact heart of the marley, blue tulle blazing beneath a wheel of footlights, while forty-six dancers form concentric rings that pulse around her like ripples from a dropped pearl. On the down-beat she raises her arms into fifth, elbows soft, fingers curved as if cupping a hush, and the entire cast follows that single cue, knees flex, torsos sweep forward, petals fly in perfect echo so the stage seems to breathe with her small lungs. A hush fell earlier when she executed a feather-light échappé-assemblé; now that hush thickens into reverence as she threads a liquid chaîné diagonal straight through the outer circle, each step chased by a glimmer of pearl that skims the floor. In her wake the Comet, the Birds, and every last classmate mirror her cadence: silver streamers carving arcs, feathered arms rippling in canon, star wands lifting with a hush of ribbon. Even Bunny, tucked in Haeun’s sash, bobs like an honored marshal. Scouts in the mezzanine lean so far over the rail they nearly drop their clipboards, penciling exclamation marks when she floats through a perfectly squared tombé-pas de bourrée-glissade, lands in first, and opens her chest as if releasing a white dove. You clutch Jaemin’s fingers, both of you sobbing past pride into something like awe, because your baby is no longer three feet tall, she is the planet, and every other body onstage orbits her bright, improbable gravity.
The house lights dim to a hush, and one by one the other dancers flit from the stage like shadows curling back into the wings, until only Haeun remains, centered in a pale pool of light, her tiny figure haloed in gold, the theatre vast and silent around her. You sit on the edge of your seat, breath caught somewhere between your ribs and your throat, your hands clasped so tight they tremble. The hush in the room feels holy, electric, and you find yourself whispering soft, trembling encouragements. “You’ve got this, baby, you’re my sunshine”—your voice cracking on the vowels as you press trembling fingers to your lips and blow her a kiss, your heart beating out a frantic, wild rhythm, every ounce of love in you winging silently across the dark to reach her.
The lights dim, soft as stardust spilling over the hushed audience, and then, from the velvet darkness, emerges your daughter, luminous as a comet streaking across midnight skies. Haeun stands center stage, arms curved gently like the crescent moon, eyes glittering brighter than constellations as she holds a single breath, poised to ignite. Her tiny feet, delicate and precise, trace arcs upon the stage floor, painting invisible galaxies beneath the satin sheen of her slippers. Each graceful turn sends ripples through the air, gravitational waves of innocence and bravery that tremble softly through the auditorium, pulling every heart toward her orbit. In each movement, you see celestial balance: softness mingling with strength, stillness with effortless flight.
She leaps, a petite silhouette suspended briefly between earth and infinity, and in that heartbeat of flight it seems she has broken free of every anchor, every echo of hospital beds and whispered fears. Her dress floats around her in silken waves, the fabric catching stage lights like nebulae illuminated by cosmic glow. Her limbs extend, lithe and fragile, fingertips reaching toward unseen galaxies, her laughter silent but painted in radiant hues across her face. With each graceful descent, she returns gently to earth, feather-soft, only to rise again as if gravity itself is merely a suggestion she chooses gracefully to decline.
Her movements become currents in the darkness, forming a constellation unique to her, arms weaving like stardust clouds, feet pivoting with the rhythm of planetary alignment. You watch, breath caught in your throat, feeling every pulse and pull of the universe shift in perfect harmony with her dance. The music swells, guiding her through cosmic tides; you swear, in that moment, the stars themselves lean forward, compelled by the magnetic pull of your child’s pure-hearted brilliance. Her eyes, bright with concentration and wonder, shimmer like twin moons reflected in a tranquil sea, fierce yet tender, unyielding yet vulnerable. Every twirl, every bend, every graceful leap feels like a starburst, flinging brilliance across the infinite expanse of stage and soul.
The theatre around you seems suspended, transfixed, riding each delicate wave and crescendo as if carried upon cosmic winds stirred by her leaps. Time folds gently in on itself, leaving you all breathless and floating alongside her. The world beyond these walls fades into insignificance, replaced by the boundless universe held within your child’s graceful motions, where each step feels profound, each pirouette a declaration of freedom, of survival, of luminous joy. Her infectious smile, impossibly bright, illuminates every hidden shadow, and in her eyes, you glimpse galaxies unfurling,boundless potential stretching endlessly toward horizons unseen.
When the notes linger in quiet, sparkling echoes, and her tiny feet slow to rest, your heart surges into your throat, and the tears come—softly, swiftly, overwhelming in their pride and awe. Jaemin squeezes your hand, his own eyes glittering wetly, and as you turn toward him, he kisses you deeply, lips trembling against yours in shared wonder. Together, in this suspended moment, you know you’ve witnessed something extraordinary, something transformative, a fragile miracle who danced her way from fear to flight, from broken whispers to shining constellations, and both of you realize with fierce clarity that your little girl is forever changed, radiant, and infinite as the universe itself.
Haeun launches into a gliding bourrée, satin toes whispering over the marley as the stage’s lone spotlight sharpens into a white-blade corridor, her arms unfolding into a high, defiant fifth; with each step she sheds the story’s darkness, slicing through it in a sleek arabesque penchée that seems to pin the Black Swan’s shadow to the floor. She pivots through a crisp série of fouetté turns—one, two, three—skirt flaring like a white supernova while phantom feathers, conjured by the lighting tech’s slow snowfall of jet-black confetti, spiral around her ankles only to be scattered by the snap of her développé. Gathering every ounce of momentum, she drives into a grand jeté en avant that cleaves the stage’s center line, the arc of her body a silver crescent; when she lands, perfect fifth, arms lifted in victory, the last black feather drifts to her instep, crushed delicately beneath the quiet rise of her relevé, and the Black Swan’s threat evaporates, quashed by the precision of her technique and the bright, unstoppable pulse of a heart too fierce to darken.
The stage door swings open and a ribbon of the dancers spills back into the wings, Haeun right in the middle, Heejin clasping her left hand, Chaewon her right; the three form a little daisy chain, swaying while they wait for the last hospital kids to be ushered into the dance. Haeun tips her head toward her friends, giggles bubbling as they peck quick kisses on each other’s cheeks, noses wrinkling at the tickle of face glitter, then they lean together in a conspiratorial huddle, whispering about whose tutu is the twirliest and which flavor of ice pop they’ll demand after final bows. Your phone is a blur of shutters, burst after burst capturing Chaewon draping her cardigan over Haeun’s shoulders like a royal cape, Heejin balancing a stray bobby pin on her upper lip until all three dissolve into hiccup-laughs, and Haeun sprinkling imaginary stardust over their heads for luck. At the last second Haeun spots you with the camera, blows a dramatic double-handed kiss, and the other two copy her, turning the moment into a triple-heart salute that lands straight in your lens and your already overflowing camera roll.
Then, on the final swell of strings a side curtain parts, and the visiting children from St. Mary’s Pediatric Cardiology Wards roll and toddle on. tiny “Sun Sparks” in lemon-yellow tunics, shoulder capes trimmed with glitter dust. Their wheelchairs shimmer under gauzy veils the color of dawn; the ambulatory kids hop in satin shoes dyed buttercream, each holding a miniature sun-disk no bigger than a teacup. They fan across the upstage apron, cheeks dimpled with giggles, and Haeun, still center, pivots toward them with a delighted squeal, blowing exaggerated kisses. one for you and Jaemin, one for each grandparent, a double-wide smooch for the row of nurses in pastel scrubs. The rings re-form: blue Moonbeam at the core, yellow Sun Sparks blooming behind like a corona, every dancer now part of a living eclipse. The air smells of lilies and rosin; the color story, indigo swirling into molten gold, feels like morning cracking open inside night.
A hush settles, thin as moth wings, light enough to quiver on every breath, when a small figure glides onto the ramp where indigo meets footlight gold. His tunic is dawn-yellow so pale it looks brushed from first light, but along the seams tiny cornflower spirals glimmer, as if someone stitched slivers of Haeun’s night-sky pearls into a morning sky and hoped the two halves might speak. You recognise that careful crown of dark curls, the slight tilt of concentration in his brow, Minjoon: your wave-chaser, your riptide rescue, the heartbeat you dragged back from salt and panic; he’s your lost piece, your baby boy, your son, the soft center of every lullaby you’ve hummed into nighttime halls, the puzzle corner you’ve kept open in every photograph, the hush in your chest that whispers home whenever his name brushes the air. Tonight he steps alone, cape whispering behind him, pausing center ramp with both heels kissed in third, as if measuring the theatre’s silence to be sure it can bear what comes next.
Soft harp threads drift above a single flute; Minjoon lifts one arm to second, palm cupped like it holds a pocket-sun, and eases onto demi-pointe. His slow ronde de jambe barely stirs the mist, but the sweep of pale fabric paints a buttery crescent on the black mirror floor, a luminous answering arc to Haeun’s earlier trail of blue petals. Each pivot tilts his cape so the lining flashes gold, sunflower one breath, candleflame the next, sending thin, bright ribs of light fanning across the swan-scrim. Only when he bends through a melting cambré do you notice the soft purple blotches peeking beneath his sleeve: dark constellations of bruises peppered along his forearm, marks pressed there by cruel hands, not hospital needles, each one a dim galaxy that tugs the eye and twists the heart. Your breath snags; Jaemin’s hand spreads between your shoulder blades, his own breath shuddering against your ear, yet neither of you makes a sound loud enough to disturb the fragile dawn blooming onstage.
The moment Minjoon steps into the spill of backstage light, you and Jaemin inhale together, a sharp, twin gasp that lodges beneath your ribs, hands flying to cover open mouths as tears spring unannounced. It’s him, your tide-tossed boy, but the set of his shoulders is smaller than memory, the dark crescents under his eyes deeper, and something in the too-careful way he scans the room hollows your chest with dread. Every nerve in you thrums with a mother’s certainty: the foster home hasn’t wrapped him in the gentleness you were promised. You feel it like a tug in bone and marrow, the subtle sag of his posture, the way his fingers worry the frayed edge of Bunny’s ear, the quick, uncertain flinch when a stagehand drops a clipboard. Tears leak down your cheeks as your heart surges, fierce and immediate: he’s yours, he’s found his way back, and every instinct screams to scoop him up, to fill the space that was never meant for anyone else. Jaemin’s palm slides over yours, both of you trembling, and you know without words that you’ll do whatever it takes—again—to bring him home where he belongs.
Minjoon completes the glowing circle and stills, feet in first, chest wide as horizon. Haeun, moonbeam in the galaxy’s centre, turns toward him, skirt fanning in a slow soutenu, and their eyes catch across the now-painted floor. She smiles first: that gummy curve you know as surely as your own pulse, two tiny teeth tucked shy in the corner. Minjoon answers with a grin just as bright, gap matching gap, sunrise greeting moonset. He sinks to one knee in a reverent bow, arms opening like a shoreline greeting tide, while behind him the Sun Sparks, four little dancers in buttercream capes, flutter their miniature sun-disks high, catching the golden spill until it spills back in ripples across their faces. Haeun raises a hand to her heart, pointer and thumb forming a tiny white-dove wing, a secret signal they invented when they met, to say you’re safe, I’m shining with you. Around you, grandparents muffle sobs in handkerchiefs; the scouts forget their pens; Jaemin’s shoulders quake against your arm as Minjoon rises, cheeks glowing, and slips into a gentle pas de chat that pulls the golden circle wider, inviting morning onto the stage one silent leap at a time.
The second Haeun’s glittery hand finds Minjoon’s small fingers, the air leaves your lungs in a rush and your knees nearly buckle—it’s as if someone has stitched the missing square back into your family’s quilt right in front of a sold-out crowd. Tears pour unchecked down your cheeks; you clutch Jaemin’s arm so hard he winces, yet neither of you can look away. Everything you’ve mourned, every empty seat at breakfast, every bedtime story with a name left out, collapses into this single, staggering breath of reunion: your two babies, side by side again, their heads tipping close in instinctive trust. It’s overwhelming, how instant the belonging is, how quickly their smiles match and their bodies lean together, like magnets finally set free to click. Your heart thunders against your ribs, equal parts relief and raw amazement, and all you can do is cry and whisper, “They found each other, they found each other,” as if repeating it might keep the universe from undoing this miracle.
The moment unfurls slowly, like watercolor dawn spreading over the rim of the world, delicate strokes of moonlit cobalt bleeding into buttery yellow, weaving moonlight with sunrise. It is the quiet miracle of night melting tenderly into morning, gentle as ink dissolving in water, seamless as breaths exchanged between two sleeping children. On stage, Haeun’s blue tulle swirls softly as she turns toward Minjoon, whose sunflower-gold tunic glimmers softly, catching fragments of her silver. Their gazes meet, each mirroring the other like a reflection captured in still water, two halves of the sky reunited, sun and moon spinning quietly into one orbit. Here, in the hush between notes, two small hearts pulse in tandem, dancing into being a new light, born from darkness, spreading gently like dawn’s first fingers of warmth reaching to cradle a bruised sky back to life.
Haeun once glowed the tentative yellow of dawn, fragile, post-surgery, trembling on the threshold of day but month by month that pale light has deepened, layering itself with steady cobalt until she blooms tonight in pure moon-bright blue: the colour of veins that finally carry oxygen without falter, of twilight skies that promise stars instead of storms, of a courage cured and strengthened by every plié she practised on trembling legs. Her new heart, stitched, coaxed, and prayed into rhythm, beats beneath pearls like a lighthouse wrapped in ocean night, guiding every dancer who orbits her. Minjoon, by contrast, arrives swathed in yellow that isn’t sunrise but warning-flare: bruised marigold blooming along his arms where cruelty has pressed constellations of hurt, saffron shadows under eyes that have stayed awake too many midnights. He carries daylight the way a cracked window carries morning, letting the warmth in but bleeding at the edges yet when he spins beside Haeun, her calmer blue spills toward him, tempering the harsh gold into something more tender, hinting that even a battered sun can soften into safe dawn given one steady moon to dance beside.
Haeun has healed, her heart now whole, her spirit grown bright and strong, a little girl who’s learned to turn her pain into blue-lit courage on the stage. While Minjoon, still caught in the yellow of old wounds and bruises, bears the marks of a childhood yet to be saved, hope flickering at his edges but not yet fully born. You and Jaemin sit side by side, hands knotted tightly in your laps, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes. You watch Haeun dance, her blue shining bold beneath the lights—a child restored, a miracle that’s yours, that you almost lost but now get to keep. You see the way her joy spirals outward, all that sorrow transmuted, every step a testament to how fiercely you and Jaemin fought for her healing. Yet, across the stage, Minjoon’s yellow is stark and raw, the bruises not only on his skin but written in the way he moves, halting, searching, hungry for safety. Your heart aches as you realize that where Haeun’s healing has flourished, Minjoon’s has barely begun, his pain still asking, wordlessly, for the love and rescue you now know how to give. And in that blue-and-yellow glow, you and Jaemin know: if there’s any way forward, you will not turn away.
You’re sobbing openly now, unable to keep the shaking quiet, tears running hot down your face, your shoulders trembling so fiercely you can barely stay upright. Jaemin’s chin wobbles, lips pressed tight, but then his composure cracks and he buries his face in your neck, breath hitching, both of you gulping air, hands clinging together as if you’re anchoring each other against the undertow. Your vision blurs, but you see it, Haeun and Minjoon catch each other’s eyes across the stage, the slow dawning of recognition blooming into something uncontainable. All at once, they break character: a pair of tiny, bubbling beams, squeaking, jumping in place, bunny and cape bouncing, grins splitting their faces wide as the house ripples with gentle laughter. Haeun darts across the floor, Minjoon spins on his toes, and in a wild, unscripted burst, their hands find each other, fingers interlaced, blue and yellow braided together in the spotlight’s soft rain. The audience melts with them; it’s laughter and sniffles and the feeling of something old being made whole. They bounce on their toes, grinning, whispering secrets
For a moment, the routine dissolves into childish glee. Then, in the hush that follows, Minjoon begins to stim, his hands flutter and tap at his thighs, shoulders jerking in rhythmic patterns, a small whirr of sound slipping from his lips. You feel your breath catch, the doctor in you cataloguing the possibilities: trauma, sensory overwhelm, post traumatic dress, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, maybe just the fallout of too many days unloved, too many nights spent bracing for the next blow. Your chest aches with the knowledge that this isn’t just a quirk, that this is the body’s silent plea for comfort, a language of touch and repetition learned when love is rare and chaos is constant. You whimper, clutching Jaemin’s arm, the realization that you could be a mother to two children who bear invisible scars nearly buckling you, but all you feel is longing—a wild, aching promise that you will never let Minjoon go unloved again.
And then something magical happens. Haeun notices Minjoon’s stimming, sees the way his hands flutter, the little circles he draws on his cape, and without a second’s pause, she leaves the choreography behind, copying his movements exactly—flapping, circling, tapping—her blue tulle swirling with his dawn-yellow, their laughter echoing through the theatre. Stimming, you know, is the body’s way of self-soothing: repetitive gestures, fingers flapping, rocking, bouncing, humming, small acts of comfort to fend off the world’s sharp edges. Haeun’s mimicry isn’t mockery; it's acceptance, a soft, fearless joining-in. They spin together, the only ones onstage, and suddenly every pair of eyes in the room is watching not a dance, but two children teaching each other, in real time, that healing can be shared. You press your lips to Jaemin’s wet cheek, both of you weeping, because in that moment, your family feels infinite, patched together by grief and miracle and stubborn, unstoppable love.
The last chord climbs like a tide and every dancer melts to the marley, knees folded, palms pressed to hearts, an array of silver capes, feathered skirts, star-pillowed wings all settling into hush so that only one spot of light remains living. Haeun steps into that glow, blue tulle breathing around her ankles, pearls on her bodice winking frost-bright. She inhales, rises onto the tips of her satin toes, and with a courage that seems to tug the moon itself lower, she launches into a miniature grand pirouette à la seconde: one slow pivot, leg unfurled, skirt unfolding like a midnight lily opening to night air; second pivot, quicker now, head spotting straight to the balcony; third pivot, impossibly sure, the pearl halo of her clip catching the rigging light so it flashes like a lighthouse. The house gasps—then roars—as she lands in a flawless fourth, arms sweeping overhead in fifth, chin lifted, breath steady.
What she achieves in that moment is not merely precious, it’s nearly impossible. The move she lands at center stage, a grand pirouette à la seconde, is a feat so complex that most dancers don’t attempt it until their late teens, sometimes not until years of relentless training, muscles and bones matured by a decade or more of barre and bruises and repetition. It demands not just physical strength, but control: balance carved into the spine, ankles sturdy as tree roots, a core that holds every secret quiver of fear and channels it into grace. To see a child so small, barely more than three feet tall, blue tulle billowing, new heart ticking steady, rise to that height, holding her line through all three pivots, chin up, eyes blazing, is the kind of miracle that cracks a theater open. In the audience, jaws go slack; scouts’ pens hover, forgotten, above their pads; even the oldest ballerinas at the wings blink tears from their lashes, stunned by the bright, unrepeatable audacity of your moonbeam’s impossible spin.
But she hasn't bowed yet. Instead, she turns, finds Minjoon kneeling in his dawn-yellow tunic, and reaches for him. The hush returns, electric; two small hands meet, blue twining with gold, night clasping sunrise. They stand together at the eye of the star-paper canopy, and Minjoon’s free hand begins its gentle tapping rhythm against his skirt,small comfort pulses, an echo of earlier fear transfigured now into music. Haeun mirrors him, tapping the same beat over her heart. Their fingers flutter up, out, tracing circles that ripple through the hush like twin stones dropped in still water; blue petals left on the floor lift and swirl in their wake, catching footlights so each flicker looks half-moon, half-sunbeam. They rock from heel to toe in a shared bourréec tiny, whisper-fast steps, turning their duet of stims into choreography: circle, tap, flutter, rock; night wave kissing first light; cobalt washing into marigold until the colours inseam, a dawn-tide where no one can tell which hue began the miracle. From the balcony their linked silhouettes resemble a single bloom: outer petals ink-deep, inner petals gold, trembling on the same stem. The orchestra sustains a chord so soft it feels like birdsong before sunrise, and every breath in the theatre holds. Then, with bunny tucked between them like a seed of tomorrow, they bow together, one moonbeam, one sun-ray, tiny backs bending, small hearts beating strong and synchronous and the stage lights swell to white. In that radiant tide the bruises fade into constellations of possibility, the scars into silver threads, and the blue of healed night marries the yellow of brand-new morning while the whole auditorium rises, sobbing, cheering, witnessing how light, once shared, refuses ever again to be small.
Minjoon shuffles closer, still catching his breath, his yellow tunic stained in places where his hands have wrung the fabric. “You did the hard spin, Moon-partner,” he whispers, voice soft as if he’s confessing a secret to the sky. “Were you scared?”
Haeun grins, chest still rising and falling fast, a wild dimple digging into her cheek. “A little, but not when you’re here. When I see you, I’m super-brave. Did you see my arms? I made them big like doves.”
He tries to mimic her, arms curving wide, wrists delicate, but then giggles and drops one, fingers flicking against his thigh. Haeun spots the gesture, immediately weaving her pinky with his and squeezing, a little mama-bird move she learned from watching you. “That’s okay, you can flap however you want,” she says, matter-of-fact, “I like when you dance funny, Minjoonie. It makes me wanna laugh and fly too.”
He glances up, eyes glistening with something so raw and relieved it nearly buckles your knees. “You really think I’m good at dancing?”
Haeun nods fiercely, brow pinched with grown-up seriousness. “You’re the best sun I ever had. Promise I’ll share the stage with you forever.” She leans in, nose bumping his, voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, “If you get scared, hold my hand, okay?”
Minjoon squeezes her fingers, lips all wrinkly with a shy smile. “Haebee, how you always find me? Sometimes I’m so good at hiding!”
Haeun leans in, nose squished to his cheek, her whisper clumsy and tiny. “’Cause blue knows where yellow is, silly. Like when you hide under the stage and your socks peep out! I just follow the yellow bits and then I catch you.” She giggles, hiding behind her own hands, peeking at him through her fingers. “You my yellow boy, Minjoonie. No hiding from me. I’m the blue boss!”
Minjoon’s eyes go all round, and he bounces on his toes, laughing, “You always win, Haebee! Even if I’m super sneaky!” Their hands tangle up and they start to spin, little feet scuffing the stage, giggles tripping everywhere, the whole world just blue and yellow and best-friend bright. Minjoon lets out a hiccup of a laugh, shoulders loosening, and together they step forward into the golden circle, as if the whole world is just a dance meant for two hearts to light up.
The applause is a living wave, rolling out from the seats in shivering heat, but all you see is the soft flash of blue and the wild rush of tiny feet as Haeun barrels from the wings, her arms spread wide and trembling, Bunny dangling from one hand, crown tipped sideways in her hair. She reaches you at full tilt, almost knocking the air from your lungs, her body all heat and heartbeat and laughter tangled with tears. You drop down to your knees on instinct, catching her as if she might truly lift off, and when her arms wrap around your neck she buries her face in your shoulder, breathless, still humming with the last echoes of the music. You clutch her back just as fiercely, your voice crumbling as you try to tell her, “You did it, baby, you were beautiful, you made the whole world shine.”
Your words break up on the sobs in your chest and she giggles into your collarbone, sticky and sweet, whispering, “Did you see, Mama? I was so brave. I was your moonbeam.”
Jaemin is beside you now, tears gleaming on his cheeks, his hand settling on your back as he bends low and presses a kiss to Haeun’s hair, then to your temple, pulling you both into his arms. He murmurs, “You were everything, bubba. The whole sky.”
Haeun twists in your arms, looking up at both of you, her cheeks splotched pink and gold, eyes blown wide with pride and wonder. “We all clapped for you,” you tell her, kissing her damp curls, “every single person, every star in this place.”
Beyond the stage’s edge, Minjoon stands alone, small and yellow-bright in his sunflower tunic, fingers twisting the end of Bunny’s scarf, uncertainty trembling in the set of his mouth. You see him, your heart aching with the familiar weight of the child you nearly lost once, the boy who’s drifted at the edge of every family photograph in your mind. You reach out, voice raw and choked with hope, “Minjoon, sweetheart, come here. Come to us.” The invitation cracks something in him, his eyes flick to Haeun, then to you and Jaemin, and suddenly he’s running, stumbling in his haste, crashing into the circle of your arms. He stands awkward and rigid for a heartbeat before you gather him close, folding him against your chest, Haeun wrapping her arms around him too, the three of you a tangle of limbs and Bunny fur, with Jaemin’s hand smoothing down Minjoon’s back, steady, unhurried.
For a long moment, the four of you stay pressed together, your tears soaking into Minjoon’s hair, your words stuttering out between kisses and laughter, “You did so good, sunshine, you were so brave, we’re so lucky you’re ours.”
Haeun, all gentle seriousness, tips Minjoon’s face up with both hands and says, “We dance together now, ‘kay? No more alone.”
Jaemin’s voice is thick with love, low and sure in your ear: “We’re family now, all of us, for always.”
Minjoon melts under the weight of this new belonging, shoulders finally softening as he leans into you, blinking hard, and you promise in a whisper meant only for him, “We’re never letting you go again, sweetheart.” You stay there, kneeling on the marley, wrapped around your children, as the theater bustles and beams overhead, the world spinning away, the applause now only background to the sacred quiet between heartbeats—your family, finally whole, found at last.
The theater hushes but the wings are riotous, the air honeyed and crackling with every kind of joy, your lap is full of Haeun, her hair sticky with sweat and glitter, breath hitching in tiny, hiccupy gasps as she twists to peer at every new face spilling backstage. Minjoon is tucked under your arm, head on your chest like he’s been there all his life, knees drawn up, thumb flicking at the hem of your dress. Jaemin circles the both of them with his arms, drawing you close so you all melt together, the world shrinking to a knot of tangled limbs, fluttering heartbeats, and your laugh breaking on a sob when Minjoon shyly asks if he can call you ‘Mama’ now, voice so small you nearly miss it over Haeun’s bubbling excitement, “Mama, look, all my hospital friends, can Minjoonie have two mamas? Can I keep him forever? He’s got yellow shoes and his medal says ‘Strongest Sunshine!’”
The nurses, soft pastels, their scrubs dotted with little bunny pins and star stickers, guide the parade of peds patients through the aisle. Even the shyest kids beam when they spot Jaemin, his stethoscope looped around his neck, hair mussed, face still streaked with a single tear he never wiped away. “Dr. Na!” they shout, and he crouches down, one by one, giving “heart checks” with his warm palm, stethoscope pressed gently to each chest, murmuring, “Strongest heartbeat in the house, you hear that?”—his voice a caress, steady as a heartbeat, each child grinning wider, shoulders squaring with pride.
Haeun dashes to greet every friend, peppering them with kisses, looping arms through IV lines with reverent care, declaring, “This is my baby brother Minjoon! He got a yellow medal but his heart is blue like mine now, we’re family forever, ‘kay?”
Then, Ryujin waves parents and doctors onto the stage, a ridiculous, wonderful sight as Pops and Jaemin’s dad shuffle out, half-dancing, half-bowing, their shoes squeaking on the marley. You scoop Minjoon up onto your hip and Haeun grabs your free hand, declaring, “Mama, do the moonbeam hop! Like this! Pops, you so silly, you gotta twirl too!” and she demonstrates, legs swinging, bunny clutching her shoulder like a pirate’s parrot. Everyone tries, some failing spectacularly, Jaemin trips over his own feet, Minjoon giggles so hard he snorts, Haeun presses both palms to her cheeks in delighted horror: “Mama, Dada, you so funny, you need more ballet lessons from me!” The crowd is in stitches, laughter rolling over the footlights as the hospital team joins in, forming a ragtag circle of doctors, parents, and nurses, all clapping, swaying, bowing with the kids. For a moment, the whole world is this, a flock of found family spinning beneath fairy lights, blue and yellow ribbons streaming from every wrist, every heartbreak rewoven into something golden.
Both grandfathers are hopeless at ballet, Pops, in his rumpled suit jacket, tries to mimic the “moonbeam hop,” knees creaking, arms flapping like a startled goose, while Jaemin’s dad squints down at his shoes as if they’re hiding the secrets of fifth position. Haeun is relentless, marching between them, cheeks puffed and hands on her hips, tiny toes pointed with utmost seriousness. “No, Pops! Your arms go here, like you’re holding a bubble, not like you’re squashing a watermelon!” She scurries around him, physically lifting his elbows, tongue poking out in concentration, her little voice turning bright and bossy. “Papa Na, you gotta twirl softer or you’ll make the stars dizzy! Watch, one-two, one-two, gentle! See? Bunny could do it with his eyes closed.”
The men exchange mock-desperate looks, both towering over her, grinning so wide their faces ache. Pops tries again, this time making a grand, swooping bow that nearly takes out a string of fairy lights; Haeun gasps, “Careful, you’ll make the sky fall down!”—then collapses into a giggle fit, flinging herself against his legs, and he scoops her up, planting noisy kisses to her cheeks. Jaemin’s dad attempts a pirouette, only to wobble and land square on his heels, arms windmilling. Haeun claps both hands to her mouth, then shakes her finger at him, “You silly! You need more sparkles. Maybe you can be the sun to my moon, but only if you dance nicer!”
Pops dusts off his suit jacket, bows again, and winks at her. “I think I need extra lessons from my best teacher,” he says.
Haeun grins, bashful but proud, darting between her grandfathers to hug them both at once. “I teach you every day, okay? You gotta listen good. Ballet is about being soft, brave and always smiling even if you mess up!” Jaemin’s dad lifts her high, spinning her gently, and she squeals, reaching out for Pops’ hand, three generations turning together under the theater’s starshine, her giggles echoing, little bossy scolds mingling with kisses and praise, every second pure, golden-bubba memory.
You sink into the tenderness of the moment, feeling the world slow and settle around you—Haeun warm and heavy in your lap, her wild curls tickling your chin, Minjoon tucked into your side, his small fingers gripping tightly to your sweater as if afraid you might slip away. He shifts closer, nuzzling into your neck with the softest sigh, and when his tiny voice whispers, “Mama,” something ancient and luminous blooms within you, unfurling like petals opening toward sunlight. It’s the same radiant feeling you had when Haeun first rested her cheek against your heart—the universe finally sliding into place, your soul whispering, “Oh, there you are.”
When your gaze lifts, Jaemin is already watching, his eyes shimmering with tears and an unspoken promise. He mouths, softly but so clearly, “Let’s adopt him,” and the certainty that fills your chest is immediate, overwhelming, and perfect. You nod, a fresh wave of tears trailing down your cheeks, heart bursting, the ache of happiness nearly unbearable. With one hand you cradle Minjoon closer, smoothing gently over those bruised constellations on his wrist, your thumb brushing carefully over the faded shadows of pain as if you could erase them with touch alone. Your other hand cups Haeun’s face, fingertips gliding tenderly through her hair, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to her forehead. You breathe in deeply, feeling fate, destiny, and the very threads of your family knitting together at last.
In just three months, paperwork and promises will align, and Haeun will officially be yours in the eyes of the world, just as she already is in your heart—your miracle, your moonbeam, your very reason for breathing. And now there is Minjoon, the lost piece you didn’t realize had always been waiting for you, who has found his way home just as surely as she had. He curls deeper into you, breath warm against your collarbone, and you feel Jaemin’s fingers lace with yours, binding your little family tight. You close your eyes, smiling through tears, and whisper softly, “My babies, my heart.”
You smooth Minjoon’s hair gently, voice a hush so only he and Haeun can hear, “How did you get here, baby? We were all so surprised to see you tonight. My heart almost jumped right out of my chest.” He blinks up at you, those huge eyes suddenly watery, and Haeun squeezes his hand, nodding for him to go on.
He swallows, lip trembling, then whispers, “I had to go to another hospital, ‘cause my Daddy hit me so hard, and the police lady said it was safer there. I cried every night, Mama. I missed you, Dada and Haeunie so, so much. I kept hoping and hoping you’d come get me, but nobody came.” Your chest aches, the urge to fold him inside your arms forever nearly breaking you. “I was so lonely, but then my kind nurse—Nurse Jisoo—she asked if I liked dancing. I told her yes, ‘cause Haeunie loves ballet and I wanna be just like her.” He smiles, shy and bright, and you wipe away a tear streaking down his cheek.
“So she said there was a ballet show for kids like me, and maybe, just maybe, if I danced good, my family might be there. Every night before sleep I prayed, ‘Please let Mama be at the show, please let Haeunie come too, please let Dada clap for me.’” His small fingers knot into the fabric of your sleeve, hope blooming and breaking in his voice. “When I saw Haeunie on the stage, I clapped so loud, and I shouted, ‘Yeahh! My Mama! My Haeunie!’—‘cause I just knew it was you.”
He looks down, then up again, cheeks flushing with sudden worry. “You… you don’t mind if I call you Mama, right? I know I’m not really yours. My real Mama, she… she hits me when I ask her to hold me, when I call her Mama, she gets mad. But when you hugged me at the beach, it was the first time I knew how a Mama should feel, soft, warm, like the sun after rain. I always wanted to call someone Mama, like the other kids do. And I wanna call you that forever. Only if it’s okay.”
Your tears come fast now, impossible to hide. You cradle his face, voice trembling but sure. “Oh, sweetheart. You’re mine forever. Me and Daddy want you to be ours, we want you in our house. We knew we had something missing, and it was you all along. It might take a while, but you’re ours, okay? We’re going to fight for you, and you’re never going to be hurt, or hit, or lonely again. You hear me, beautiful? Never again. You’re our baby, too. Forever.”
He sniffles, clinging tighter, cheeks wet but glowing, and he gives a small, wobbling smile. “Promise? I can be your Minjoonie forever? Even when I’m big?”
Haeun squishes her cheek to his, chiming in, “Forever and ever and ever. You’re our baby now, Minjoonie.”
You hold both of them close, whispering into their hair, “Forever and ever, my loves. You’re both home now.”
Home is a living thing now, always shifting, noisy, light-filled, soft around the edges in a way that feels like breathing for the first time after a winter spent sick. Minjoon, technically your “kinship placement” under a temporary order of safe harbor, is not yet adopted but sleeps between you and Jaemin nearly every night, his little body fitted into the nest Haeun makes for him at dusk. Home, at last, is a shifting mosaic of tangled limbs, laughter echoing down hallways, and the ordinary chaos of life lived all the way open—blanket forts stitched together by small, sticky fingers, ballet slippers discarded in the kitchen, Haeun’s quiet humming winding through Minjoon’s soft questions as they build worlds out of sofa cushions. Minjoon’s room is his own in name and color, sun-yellow and cloud-blue, but most nights he can still be found curled between you and Jaemin, or tucked under Haeun’s arm, their bodies knotted together like they’ve always belonged. There’s a subtle choreography now to the four of you: Jaemin’s hands steadying both children as they cartwheel in the hall, your voice threading lullabies over the sound of giggles, Minjoon’s shy “Mama?” answered every time with open arms and a promise, Haeun’s wide eyes always tracking her brother, always keeping him close. The fridge is covered in court letters and stick-figure families, the floors are littered with moon and sun stickers, and the air is thick with the scent of warm bread and baby shampoo. Each day, the rhythms settle deeper. brushing teeth together, tracing the moon’s shadow from the living room window, learning, over and over, that this is what it means to be safe: love without terms, love that never leaves, love that wraps around you, blue and yellow, until the only thing left to do is sleep.
The legal journey is a relentless current, tugging you from room to room, each day measured by another signature, another soft knock at the door. The court date for adopting Haeun and Minjoon, both, together, a double petition, looms just a few weeks away, close enough to keep you up at night, heavy enough to make every morning taste like hope and nerves. Every misstep from your medical past resurfaces in sharp detail: the probation after the incident with Haeun’s care, the weeks spent fighting for a second chance, the way you clung to Jaemin’s side outside every board hearing. Now, your redemption is meticulously documented, every effort stitched into the file, letters from Nurse Hana, who wrote that “no child has ever been more gently or fiercely loved in this hospital”; from Yuha, who described your habit of whispering “You’re safe, you’re home” to every child waking from surgery. Chief Resident Siyeon submitted a declaration of your “growth under pressure,” recounting how you learned to ask for help, how you showed up to every shift with quiet resolve, never ducking the harder jobs. Dr. Byun Baekhyun and Dr. Huang Renjun both wrote statements, Baekhyun describing the way you comforted terrified families, Renjun detailing your vigilance and the clinical excellence you regained, how he would trust you with his own child.
The intern crew, Jihoon, Hyejin, Hayoung, each offered their own windows into your world: Jihoon remembering your late-night walks to the pediatric ICU, Hyejin recalling how you always made time to braid nervous hands into yours, Hayoung telling the court, “She’s the reason I’m not afraid of making mistakes. She never hides the mess, but she always shows the way through.” Social workers pop in for home inspections, sometimes unannounced, and always leave a little slower, watching Minjoon pull Haeun into his lap, both of them laughing, your walls covered in their artwork, sticker charts, Jaemin’s precise rows of appointment cards. Even court liaisons, like Ms. Kim, mention the “undeniable atmosphere of love and healing” in their reports.
The case is bolstered by your lawyer, Ms. Eunji, who reminds you how much is working in your favor: Jaemin’s steady record as chief of pediatrics, the documented history of neglect and medication mismanagement by Aseul and Nahyun, their medical errors, psychological evaluations, and the mountain of evidence showing the difference in Haeun and Minjoon’s health since coming under your care. You spend hours at the dining table, fielding interview after interview, about your daily routines, how you handle conflict, your crisis plan, your family support system. The court wants proof of stability, so Jaemin’s friends rally: Jeno and his wife send letters, Mark and Areum testify to the transformation in your home, Shotaro and Ryujin speak about seeing the kids “come alive” at every family dinner, Chenle and Ningning record a video of the kids singing together, Donghyuck and Yangyang write about movie nights and sleepovers, Karina stitches together photos and journals, each page a quilt of safety and belonging. Every submission is a promise: this family is worth believing in.
Behind it all, you feel the weight and lift of every testimony, every reference, each a stitch in the tapestry that is pulling your children home. Haeun curls in your lap after bedtime, tracing your cheek and whispering, “Will they let you be my Mama forever?”
Minjoon, nestled beside you, adds, “Will I always live here, even when I’m big?”
You say yes, again and again, with hope trembling in your chest, because now—finally—the world is ready to believe it too.
Sometimes you wake before dawn with your heart clawing in your chest, so afraid you’ll never be enough, that the court might decide you aren’t fit to be their mother, that all the healing and hope in this house won’t be enough to erase a single, fatal mistake. The idea that someone could look at all you’ve become, all you’ve rebuilt and still say no, still take them from you, it terrifies you so deep it nearly splits you open. What keeps you breathing is the knowledge that no matter what happens, Haeun and Minjoon will always be Jaemin’s, a bond no court or circumstance can break. Some part of your babies will always be safe with him, and now—miracle of miracles—they have each other too. Watching them fall for each other, shy and sticky and stubborn, is the one thing that lets you unclench your fists. There’s something sacred in the way this family is still grafting itself together, growing slow and wild. Every morning, you see the proof: Jaemin’s hand gentle on Minjoon’s crown as he sounds out bedtime stories, Haeun nudging her last piece of cookie onto Minjoon’s napkin just because she can’t stand for him to have less, Minjoon always making sure there’s a space beside him in every waiting room chair, a warm little kingdom just for her. They bicker, over crayons, who gets the last scoop of strawberries, what song plays in the car but the fights always dissolve into giggles or tangled limbs in a fort of blankets. It’s gratitude that blooms, stubborn and bright: for the way fate spun Minjoon back into your orbit, for the miracle of Haeun’s chest rising easy and strong each morning, for this house that’s no longer haunted by loss, but humming with the small, fierce gestures of children choosing each other—choosing you—again and again, building a home out of every ordinary, miraculous day you’re given.
Haeun’s health is a daily miracle, a string of little victories that taste sweeter for how hard-won they were. The last cardiac MRI showed “no residual defects, robust biventricular function, no pericardial effusion, mild valve regurgitation”—the attending scrawled “exceptional outcome” in three places, and you wept in the stairwell after reading it. She’s taller now, all legs and laughter, and her energy is wild, no more rationing steps or whispering warnings about blue lips or fainting. Her medication list has shrunk to a single pill at bedtime, and she keeps a sticker chart to mark every “super brave checkup.” Haeun’s trial enrollments, new physiotherapy regimens, a peer mentor program for heart kids, have been less about survival and more about living, about dancing and field trips and Saturday sleepovers. Her pediatric team still checks in weekly, but they say it’s routine now, not rescue. She flashes her chest scar in the sun and tells strangers it’s her “brave stripe.” She wants to go back to pre-school next month, and her cardiologist, after seeing her pirouette on the exam table, said she might be ready.
Minjoon’s room rests at the quiet end of the hall, walls washed in what Jaemin calls cloud-sky, a pale blue that dissolves to the color of dawn when the night-light glows. Haeun spent an entire Saturday pressing yellow dove decals onto the plaster, each sticker arranged in pairs so her little brother would feel watched over whether the curtains billowed or the dark pressed in. Beneath those gentle birds stands his new bed, a toddler frame low enough for sleepy legs to find the floor without fear; its quilt shows swirling cartoon planets, orange rings and lilac moons spinning across a navy field that reminds him of the NICU ceiling stars. A plush rocket guards the headboard, Bunny the well-loved rabbit claims the pillow, and the foot of the mattress houses a wooden tray painted emerald where his nightly water cup waits. The top shelf beside the window displays treasures carried home from his own homes: a single green marble that catches sunrise like a secret gem, two glow-in-the-dark stars that still faintly pulse after hours, and an origami boat marked in Haeun’s round handwriting reading “Minjoon’s moon buddy,” its creases soft from constant unfolding and study. Even the closets smell newborn fresh, tiny shirts rolled by color, jeans snapped on mini hangers, and a drawer reserved for fleece pajamas printed with surfboards in homage to his favorite ocean visits.
Evidence of his small life spills past the doorway into every communal corner of the apartment. At the entry bench, his navy canvas sneakers with lime-green stripes sit neatly beside Haeun’s ballet flats, both pairs pointing outward like siblings ready for adventure. A pegboard above nests his sand-colored windbreaker, its pockets forever hiding seashells and bottle caps he cannot bear to leave outside. The living-room bookcase now devotes an entire cube to board books about turtles and tide pools, each spine chewed at the edges from teething days. Near the sofa, a red plastic dump truck idles beside Haeun’s doll carriage, wheels touching as if holding hands. The kitchen counters echo his preferences too; one corner hosts a row of oat-milk cartons because cow milk upsets his tummy and oat milk steadies his storms. His small blue sippy cup dries on the rack beside Haeun’s sparkly pink thermos, while the refrigerator door boasts crayon waves taped beside pointe-shoe sketches, two worlds harmonizing in magnetic frames shaped like dolphins. Even the bathroom décor shifted when Jaemin installed a step stool painted with white sea-foam so Minjoon could reach the sink, the underside stamped with tiny footprints from an afternoon of enthusiastic trial.
Night settles into ritual. After baths scented with lavender bubbles you guide both children to his room, dim the planets lamp, read two pages from “Milo the Moon Explorer,” then cue their favorite lullaby on Jaemin’s phone. The song drifts like slow tide over stuffed animals, yet nearly every night quiet footfalls cross the hallway minutes later, a bunny-clutching silhouette appearing at your door. Minjoon climbs the mattress with practiced stealth, noses between you and Jaemin, then exhales the sigh of someone who finally believes dawn will arrive. If Haeun wakes to the rustle she lifts her blanket without speaking, offering him space, and his cold toes tuck against her shins while her fingers find his curls. Bedsheets shift, hearts recalibrate, the apartment returns to hush, and the only protest rings from the teakettle when it cools after warm milk duty.
Morning light breaks through sheer curtains and reveals him star-fished across the center of your mattress, cheek damp on your collarbone, Bunny wedged beneath his chin. Lashes flutter as dreams finish their flight, and the first thing he murmurs is usually a request for oat milk in his frog mug, the one that changes color when filled. In the kitchen he perches on the step stool while you gather cereal, Haeun stacks sliced strawberries into the bowl like ballet formations, and Jaemin hums a gentle bassline while grinding coffee. The family orchestra rises with clinks of spoon on porcelain, giggles about straw-formed moustaches, and Minjoon’s delighted squeal when the mug shifts from green to turquoise. His coat waits by the door, pockets already bulging with pebbles salvaged from yesterday’s walk, and his shoes sit ready for another parade to the park where he will chase pigeons until his cheeks glow pink.
Each detail, the surfboard pajamas folded in the dresser, the oat-milk cartons filed like medical charts, the sneakers lined beside satin slippers, acts as a quiet declaration that Minjoon’s story is written into these walls forever. No longer a temporary guest nestled in borrowed blankets, he is a resident whose heartbeat sets the pace of the household, whose laughter coats the paint brighter than any dove decal. Your fingers brush the origami boat each time you pass the shelf and you remember the night he whispered that moon buddies never drift apart; those words echo now whenever the apartment door clicks shut against the world. This space once echoed with sterile caution but now breathes in two playful rhythms, ballet beats and ocean waves, woven through hallways that finally feel like home, proving that love can renovate more thoroughly than any contractor and that belonging smells a lot like oat milk warming in a frog-shaped mug at sunrise.
There’s a rhythm now to the friendship blooming between Haeun and Minjoon, a kind of language they have invented out of giggles, ballet steps, and whispered secrets. Most afternoons, they’re inseparable, twirling in matching socks across the living room rug, inventing dance routines for their stuffed animals, painting each other’s faces with glitter, and building elaborate forts from sofa cushions. Sometimes they squabble, over who gets the pinkest crayon, or whose turn it is to be the comet in their made-up ballet but even their fights are gentle, short-lived, always ending with a tangle of arms, a choked apology, and Minjoon’s hand searching for Haeun’s hair to twirl. They have rituals now: secret handshakes, “moon and sun” stickers on their cheeks before bed, twin cups of warm milk, and sleepy conversations about their dreams. It’s Haeun who teaches Minjoon how to braid, and Minjoon who invents a handshake that makes her giggle so hard she snorts. They fall asleep most nights giggling into each other’s shoulders, a harmony of safety you ache to protect. Every afternoon drifts into a private carnival where the living-room rug becomes a stage and two pairs of socked feet glide in endless circles, Haeun chanting “Spot, spot, spot” as she teaches Minjoon to keep his eyes on her braid so he will not wobble in the turn, his delighted “Spin again, Hae-Hae” ringing off the bookcase while Bunny claps from the sofa with stitched paws. They choreograph elaborate pas de deux for their plush toys, the giraffe forever assigned the role of noble prince while the worn bunny portrays a shy moon sprite who only steps from the shadows when Haeun curtsies. Minjoon counts out beats in an earnest whisper and pats his chest to feel his tiny heart match the tempo, then both collapse giggling into a tangle of limbs, pink cheeks pressed to the faux fur of their audience while you lean in the doorway memorising the way their laughter braids through the afternoon light.
Their friendship speaks through rituals as intricate as anything printed in a spellbook, beginning with matching stickers before bed, a silver crescent on Minjoon’s cheek because he claims the night is full of hidden whales and a golden sun on Haeun’s forehead because she promises to guide him home if he wanders in dreams. After that comes twin cups of warm milk timed to the hum of the dishwasher, hers sweetened with a single drop of honey and his poured from a small green carton of oat milk that he calls sea-milk because it reminds him of quiet beach mornings. They perch side by side on the kitchen stool, feet swinging, noses wrinkling with secret smiles, and trade stories about the sandcastle kingdom they will build next summer, Minjoon insisting the throne room must include a slide while Haeun vows to paint every turret blush pink. Even their quarrels bloom gentle and brief, little sparks that flicker and die before they can singe the edges of affection. One example bursts when both reach for the lone glitter crayon reserved for comet trails on their paper galaxy and Minjoon pulls away first, triumphant until he sees the wobble in Haeun’s lower lip. His victory shrivels and he thrusts the crayon forward with a hurried apology, waving Bunny like a white flag while admitting he only wanted the comet to look as bright as her twirls. Haeun accepts the peace offering, pats his curls, and declares that every constellation needs two comets anyway then presses her forehead to his, whispering a silly knock-knock joke that sends them both hiccuping with relief until the argument evaporates into shared colour-stained fingers.
Haeun treasures teaching moments as if they’re pearls, guiding Minjoon’s small hands through three-strand braids until the brush no longer snags and his bunny’s ears sport perfect plaits. In return Minjoon springs a secret handshake on her, five quick claps and a wrist flip that ends with their foreheads bonking together, the collision sparking such laughter she snorts every time. They repeat it until dizziness melts them into a heap of tangled arms, and you catch snippets of breathless dialogue, Haeun declaring “We are moon twins” while Minjoon answers “No, shooting star twins,” both content to settle the debate tomorrow because yawns tilt their eyelids low. Night often ends with their whispers seeping across the hallway like purring cats, Minjoon knocking softly on her door until she lifts the blanket and he slides under, placing ice-cold toes against her warm shins. She squawks but never pulls away, instead curling around him as he murmurs that dreams are less scary when shared. They trade quiet promises beneath the quilt, Haeun vowing to guard his stuffed animals from imaginary pirates and Minjoon pledging to shout at any nightmare that tries to nibble her toes. Eventually their voices fade into unbroken breathing that syncs with the ticking clock, a lullaby that drifts down the corridor to your half-closed door and wraps your heart in velvet.
You and Jaemin stand outside those doors some evenings, hands linked, marveling that such a fierce, gentle bond could grow in such a short time. He squeezes your fingers when Minjoon’s giggle bursts through the wood and you answer with a soft hum when Haeun’s answering laugh follows, both of you holding that sound like a fragile lantern against every darkness. Their love has become the steady metronome of the household, guiding morning routines and evening prayers, and you know with a certainty deeper than bone that as long as they keep inventing languages of sunshine stickers and sea-milk toasts the apartment walls will echo with safety. Together the four of you are a constellation that redraws itself nightly, comet and moon sprite spinning around the gravity of family, glowing bright enough to light the path back home no matter how deep the night. Jaemin never meant to love this hard or this fast, but Minjoon’s sun-bright giggles, gap-toothed grin, and habit of patting his own chest whenever Jaemin enters a room have proven irresistible, filling a hidden hollow the paediatric surgeon never knew existed; the toddler trails behind in milestones, speech a lilt slow, balance a wobble but Jaemin turns therapy drills into games, flexing arms thick as Minjoon’s whole body while lifting him through every new word and wobbling step, transforming strength training into fatherhood practice. Evenings end with those same arms forming a fortress around a surfboard-print sleeper, Minjoon nestling close, murmuring “Love you, Dada,” and finding perfect calm against the steady drum of Jaemin’s heart, soothed by head-canon comforts like lavender baths, oat-milk nightcaps, and “brave-heart” lullabies whispered in a bass so deep it vibrates through both of them. In that hush Jaemin realizes fatherhood is not something he’s stumbled into, it’s the strongest muscle he has ever grown, sculpted by a boy whose laughter rewires every beat.
Jaemin’s day begins with the quiet ache of dawn rolling through the apartment windows, the mellow grey light spilling across his bare shoulders and mapping every smooth arc of muscle that has become Minjoon’s favorite pillow; his son stirs against his chest, pudgy fingers curling possessively over a bicep nearly the size of his entire torso, tiny nails grazing the warmth until Jaemin’s arm flexes in instinctive response, ripples sliding under skin like quiet tides, and Minjoon sighs a happy “Dada strong,” the syllables gummy and reverent. Jaemin tilts his head, dark lashes sweeping low as he places a feather-soft kiss on the swirl of Minjoon’s temple, inhaling the sweetness of strawberry shampoo mixed with warm milk; something inside him melts the same way muscle fibers yield under a heavy lift, unexpected yet addictive, because he never knew how completely a child’s weight could anchor his pulse. “Good morning, Bubba,” he murmurs, voice husky from sleep, and the toddler’s button nose scrunches before he plants a wobbling kiss on Jaemin’s jaw, lips sticking in sticky morning drool that makes them both laugh. The room smells of cotton sheets and oat-milk breath, and in that hush Jaemin feels a bright tug in his chest, the exact sensation he’s studied in cardiology atlases labeled missing piece found, realizing that Minjoon hasn’t just slipped into his life, he has rewired it beat by beat, heart by heart,
The kitchen erupts into soft mayhem once Haeun pirouettes in carrying her silver-tipped spoon like a maestro’s baton, leading Minjoon in a sock-shuffling samba toward the island where bowls await. Jaemin’s forearms flex as he whisk-whips oat milk into a froth that calms Minjoon’s jittery tummy, the carton’s vanilla scent puffing into the air, and he can’t stop smiling when the toddler lifts chubby hands to clap along with the rhythm of the whisk, cheeks dimpling like tiny half-moons. “Again, Dada!” Minjoon squeals, pink tongue poking between gap-toothed gums, and Jaemin repeats the motion just to hear that giggle burst like uncorked soda. Haeun, towering beside the booster, leans over to tap her brother’s nose with the back of a cereal star. “Comet landing,” she proclaims, sprinkling crumbs down onto Minjoon’s bib, and he erupts in a hiccupy laugh that splashes milk on Jaemin’s forearm. The doctor wipes the droplets, marveling at how the baby’s gappy smile can soft-reset every line of tension in his shoulders, how each syrup-sticky finger that tugs at his sleeve wrestles him further from the lonely edges he once mistook for boundaries.
Later, they sprawl across the living-room mat strewn with flashcards and foam blocks so colorful they resemble sugar candy; developmental milestones stack like uneven towers, and Jaemin coaxes Minjoon through consonant sounds, his rich baritone guiding “buh-buh” into a clear “Bunny,” the word catching in Minjoon’s throat before blooming bright and sure. Minjoon’s eyes, owl-round, marsh-brown, rimmed by lashes that could sweep stardust, light up when Jaemin praises him, and he lunges forward with clumsy enthusiasm, arms hugging Jaemin’s neck in a chokehold that makes father and son topple backwards into stuffed-animal mountains. “See, that’s perfect pacing,” Jaemin mutters through laughter, his cardiologist brain noting how Minjoon’s motor skills lag two moons behind the curve but leap forward whenever praise beats steady. Haeun kneels beside them to demonstrate the next card, her ponytail flicking like a metronome, and Minjoon copies her tongue placement, drool glistening at the bow of his lower lip. Jaemin marvels at the way her patience stitches confidence into her brother, the siblings’ whispers about bubba badges filling the room with gentle thunder, and he vows, right there against a sea of plush planets, never to let a single milestone slip through the cracks of a crowded schedule again.
Come afternoon the house spills onto sun-drenched pavement, Jaemin balancing Minjoon on one hip, forearm veins carved like riverbeds beneath smooth tanned skin, while Haeun prances ahead with ballet precision, twirling a ribbon wand that catches every shard of light. By the duck pond, Minjoon’s pudgy toes wiggle inside lilac Crocs, and he lurches forward to chase Haeun’s ribbon shadow, legs wobbling yet determined. Jaemin’s heart performs a skipped beat followed by a cavernous pause—textbook PVC—but this time the skip is pure wonder as he watches Minjoon toddle farther than yesterday, arms windmilling, cheeks flushed rose-petal pink. “Look, son, strong steps!” Jaemin calls, voice cracking on the praise, and Minjoon stops to grin back, top lip shiny with drool, before shouting, “Watch me, Dada!” A gust carries the warm scent of grass and sunscreen, the toddler’s sweat beading sweet and salty on the curve of his wedge-shaped ear, and Jaemin realizes awe can taste like sun-heated breeze on your teeth, feel like thirty pounds of fearless joy barreling toward a future you suddenly want to guard with every muscle fiber.
Post-park fatigue settles like warm syrup, and Jaemin lifts his son in a cradle hold, forearms bulging, flexor tendons taut beneath baby-soft thigh weight; Minjoon’s lashes flutter heavy, head lolling until his forehead bumps Jaemin’s collarbone, whispering, “’Night, Dada,” in a breath that smells of oat milk and distant playground dust. Jaemin sinks onto the sofa where Haeun already dozes with Bunny tucked under her chin, and he aligns Minjoon’s ear over the steady drum of his heartbeat, recalling pediatric articles about rhythmic resonance regulating anxious toddlers. Within seconds Minjoon’s fists unclench, fingers curling loosely around the pendant at Jaemin’s throat, a tiny stethoscope charm Haeun gifted him on Father’s Day. Jaemin strokes the toddler’s curls, each strand sun-bleached at the tip like soft sea grass, while his other hand cups Haeun’s ankle, thumb rubbing slow circles over the faint ballet-rub blister there. In the hush, he counts his blessings in cardiac rhythms: lub-dub for each giggle, lub-dub for every sticky kiss, lub-dub for the breathtaking truth that he finally fits inside a title he once feared would dwarf him.
By evening, bathwater still beads along Minjoon’s neckline as the siblings climb into the big bed, Haeun in cotton pajamas sprinkled with pointe shoes, Minjoon in surfboard sleepers hugging plump calves. Jaemin lies between them, arms outstretched, biceps forming warm ridges where small heads find natural pillows, and Minjoon mumbles through a thumb-sucked slur, “Love you, Dada, big like ocean.” Jaemin’s throat tightens; he kisses the baby’s damp crown, tasting lavender wash and unfiltered trust, then glances at Haeun who grins mischievously. “Ocean big,” she repeats, slipping her brother’s thumb free so she can plant a peck on his sticky knuckle, and the boy giggles, drool dotting Jaemin’s forearm. Jaemin inhales, blood humming fierce beneath skin, realizing that every sinew he once sculpted for sport now exists to cradle these two beings and the woman whose laughter lit up his emptiest rooms. He tucks the quilt up to their shoulders, murmurs a good-night litany, “Brave heart, bright moon, safe dreams”—and as the children’s breathing syncs into a soft duet, Jaemin lets his eyes close on a single shiver of gratitude: he never planned for fatherhood, yet here, with thirty pounds of sleeping miracle weighing down his chest and a ballet-ribbon hand linked in his own, he discovers that love can squat deeper than any weight rack, stretch wider than any horizon, and hold him still in a way bench presses never could. Minjoon is still learning how to settle into this life, how to breathe easy when someone calls his name, how to ask for seconds at dinner without fear, how to let himself play without always watching the door. There are moments, shadows in the bright kitchen light, when you catch him flinching at a sudden noise or shrinking from an unexpected touch, and every time you ache with how much has been taken from him. Yet you watch his world grow larger by the week: he learns to ride a bike in the yard, draws you a picture of a family with four smiling faces, lets Haeun paint his fingernails to match hers. He asks questions now, hundreds a day, about why the moon follows you on walks, about why you make soup when someone is sad, about how long forever really is. Some mornings, when the light is soft and your arms are full, he whispers “Mama” with a hope so raw you can barely breathe, and you promise, again and again, that this time no one is leaving.
The coastline spun its lie the day the undertow swallowed you, headlines screaming that a promising young doctor had vanished beneath milk-blue breakers while hauling an orphaned boy toward the light. Funeral lilies filled a chapel you couldn’t enter, and for three heart-splitting months Jaemin paced that same strip of shore with Haeun clutched to his chest as though her ribs might shatter if he loosened his grip, the two of them scanning every silvered seam of horizon for a ghost who never bobbed into view. Colleagues whispered that fairy-tale love always ends with women turning to salt and men turning to stone; the hospital packed your locker in cardboard silence, and somewhere under that grieving city you floated in a covert ward, lungs re-stitched, mind ragged with morphine, learning how to breathe through painkillers and how to cradle the very child whose panic had dragged you under. You loathed the mirror that showed sea-salt burns along your thighs and the news clips that crowned your disappearance heroic, because the only taste in your mouth was the iron of Jaemin’s unshed tears and the brittle hush of Haeun’s unanswered questions—shame chewing at every breath like sand in your raw throat. Yet night after night Minjoon woke slick with fever dreams, whispering “Mama” as though the dark itself might steal you back, and you understood that drowning had cracked you open so his little hands could choose a place to live inside your chest. When he curled sticky fingers in your hair and muttered that water should be blue, not black, your shame receded like a tide surrendering shells. You didn’t rescue him any more than a compass rescues the lost; he became true north, steering you clear of guilt’s rip current, showing you a life ripped apart can be sewn into brighter shapes. The world insists you give him breath, yet every time his gappy smile flickers across the kitchen or his sea-glass eyes hunt for your approval during speech drills, oxygen rushes in reverse, his laughter siphoning sunlight straight into the hollows the ocean carved. Salvation, you realize, isn’t measured by the lungs you fill but by the heartbeat you follow home and he, your tide-born son, is the pulse that keeps your world from sinking.
When the wave folded over you and the ocean pinned you to the sand, you didn’t kick because you thought the story had ended, your chest cracked, darkness swarmed your eyes, and you let go until a weight no heavier than a loaf of bread collided with your shoulder and a fistful of panicked toddler fingers clawed your hair. Minjoon’s body wasn’t strong enough to pull you up, but the shock of his touch, the raw instinct of a child who’d already lost too many arms to cling to, jerked your lungs into motion. You surfaced because he used your name underwater, a garbled “Mama” sliding through the salt, and the thought that he would sink alone hit harder than the undertow. Jaemin hauled you both out, but the truth is brutal: you only kicked because his hand was desperate on your scalp, and the will to live ignited in the millisecond his wide brown eyes met yours through green-grey murk. He saved you by needing you so fiercely that death became the less bearable option. Months later, when infection gnawed your lungs and morphine blurred the ceiling, he saved you again with quieter weapons, raspy night-wails that dragged you out of self-pity, stubby arms locking around your ribs hard enough to bruise, the demand that you hold a cup while he tasted oat milk for the first time. Each time you thought staying alive was too heavy, he bawled or laughed or drooled on your collarbone, and your pulse spiked because his heart set the tempo. He rewired your brain’s terror circuitry: hospital monitors had become countdowns to grief, but his uneven speech, “Mama look, sky blue, me safe”—turned every beep into proof you were still needed. This is the unvarnished math: no Minjoon, no heartbeat; his clinginess is CPR, his questions are oxygen, his sticky kisses are the defibrillator paddles that jolt you clear of the dark. You kept him from drowning for thirty seconds; he has kept you from drowning every breath since.
Being Minjoon’s Mama feels like diving beneath a warm sunrise tide and discovering the sea has been waiting forever to wrap itself around every hurt place inside you, water turning its salt to balm, because the moment he pressed one sticky palm to your cheek and breathed “Love Mama big like whale song” the roar in your chest stilled, and now each day begins with him sprawled over your ribs as if your heartbeat is the drum that keeps the world turning. His eyes are deep marsh brown pools rimmed by lashes long enough to brush secrets into the air, he meets the morning light by patting your collarbone and asking whether today the moon will follow him again, strawberry-milk breath coating the question in sweetness; you tell him “Always,” then kiss the tiny freckle on his button nose, the freckle that seems to brighten whenever he giggles, and you feel something inside you float to the surface that was once weighed down by grief heavy as coral. Jaemin stands in the doorway watching, broad shoulders haloed by dawn, and he murmurs how Minjoon’s laugh turns the bedroom into a salt-touched cathedral, sunlight pooling against the quilt, and in the reflection of his soft gaze you see the woman you nearly lost under those waves now reborn in blue and gold.
Being Minjoon’s mama feels like floating ten feet under blue water, sun braided into your hair, only to find that the warmth you were searching for is already inside your arms, his little body pressed to your heart, soft breath fogging your collarbone, blue pajamas smelling faintly of oat milk and baby shampoo. He’s the tide that drags you deeper and the raft that lifts you back to the surface, a boy whose laughter repairs cracked places you forgot were broken. Every morning he presses those marsh-brown eyes, rimmed in feathery lashes, to yours and asks, “Mama, you happy?” before you’ve even blinked sleep from your lashes, thumb smushing your cheek, lips searching for a kiss like it’s the only permission he needs to begin the day. “Mama kiss bubba?” he lisps, cheeks glowing and dimpled, and when you answer with a dozen kisses scattered over his nose, he beams, crooning, “Bubba love Mama big, big big, bigger than sky!” The world could set itself on fire and you would still have purpose in the sticky arch of his arms around your neck, his soft sigh when you whisper, “Mama not leaving, baby. Never, never.”
He clings tight in ways that sometimes ache, legs wrapped around your waist like a sea otter, tiny fists curled in the hem of your shirt, head tucked beneath your chin so his curls catch your breath. He demands your approval with every small task, holding up his spoon mid-cereal and waiting, eyes wide, for you to say “Yes, bubba, you’re doing so well!” before he’ll take a bite. When you’re folding laundry, he drags a sock over and asks, “Mama, this one for me, right? Bubba blue?” and beams when you let him match the pairs. He follows you through rooms like a shadow with a mission—everywhere, always—tugging at your hand if you walk too fast, whimpering “Mama, wait, slow slow!” if he thinks you’ll disappear. He pouts hard if you talk too long to anyone else, even Jaemin, and will wedge himself between you, cheeks puffed and voice petulant: “My mama. Mine.” Yet he’s never jealous with Haeun; instead, he’ll reach for her hand, tug her onto your lap too, and say, “We all Mama’s babies, ‘kay?”
The first time Minjoon meets Pops and Jaemin’s parents, he is all wide-eyed shyness, fingers bunched in your sleeve and half his small body hidden behind your legs as if your shadow could shield him from a world of strangers. He refuses every offered toy, shakes his head at every “Hello, bubba!” and won’t let go even for Jaemin’s coaxing; you crouch, hands gentle on his trembling arms, whispering, “You’re safe, baby, Pops is nice, promise.” For long minutes he watches everyone from his hiding spot, peeking out with wary eyes, and it’s only when you scoop him into your lap and hold him tight that he finally lets Jaemin’s mom ruffle his curls, burying his face in your chest as she says, “He’s a Mama’s boy, huh?” and you beam, pressing your lips to the soft crown of his head and nodding. Gradually he eases out, first just reaching to grab Bunny and show her off, then allowing Pops to roll a toy truck across the rug for him, though he stays wedged between your knees, head darting back for your approval after every brave new step. Each time he meets someone new, he scans for you first, gaze flickering to make sure your eyes are on him, your arms ready, needing the anchor of your presence to test each tide.
At home, the possessiveness sharpens into a daily dance, his need for you as fierce and physical as hunger. If you and Jaemin sit together, Minjoon scrambles between you, elbowing his way into your lap and glaring at his father, lips pouted and voice full of outrage, “No, my Mama, sit here!”—until you open your arms and let him climb in, giggling when he drapes himself over your chest like a starfish. He watches every gesture between you and Jaemin, and sometimes, when Jaemin presses a kiss to your neck or pulls you close at the counter, Minjoon scowls and wriggles in, wailing, “No, Dada, my turn, Mama mine!” Jaemin laughs and play-wrestles him away, but you always reward the theatrics with a big, exaggerated hug and whisper, “it’s true, you’re my baby, forever and always,” just to see the jealous storm in his eyes melt into the sun. He does the same with Haeun, but with her it’s never competitive, he’s the bridge, the peacemaker, tugging her in close so both of you are tangled together in a pile of limbs and giggles, three heartbeats thumping against each other in perfect, wild rhythm. Still, you recognize that Minjoon’s hunger for you is different, more desperate, more demanding, a fierce need to be chosen and cherished, to never be left behind.
Your devotion for him has rewritten every rule of your body. You became his home the hard way, through sleepless nights and every whispered promise binding you to his side, you threw yourself headlong into making your body his sanctuary. You meet with lactation consultants in spare call rooms, watched shaky YouTube tutorials on inducing lactation, massaged your breasts under hot water in hospital showers, set alarms for midnight hand-expressions and double-pumping sessions, anything to trick your body into believing you’d carried him all along. You charted hormones and filled prescriptions, drank fenugreek tea until your breath turns sweet and earthy, stitching up your resolve each time nothing came but a few thin drops. When milk finally arrived, sticky and stubborn, as if drawn from the ache in your chest rather than any natural process, it felt miraculous and hard-won, a labor of love as fierce as anything you’d ever done. Feeding him became a nightly rite, his lips latching with such neediness, one chubby hand curled around your thumb, his heavy-lidded gaze searching your face for safety. Sometimes you’d fall asleep upright, Minjoon snuggled against your bare skin, milk-damp curls pressed over your heart, and wake to his sleepy murmur, “Mama, more?”—reminding you that every sacrifice, every ache, every stubborn hour of longing had been worth it for this: for him to find his peace and belonging inside your arms, for you to know the miracle of being his only comfort, his harbor in a world that never loved him soft enough before.
Minjoon is still learning how to live with the world’s edges softened. When someone calls his name, he startles, hands fisting against his sides; when dinner’s almost done, he hesitates, blinking up at you until you gently say, “You want more, bubba?”
Only then does he whisper, “You sure, Mama? ‘Kay! Yes please den, Mama, more? I can really have more?”—relief so pure in his voice you want to scoop him up and never put him down. Some days, sunlight fills the kitchen but a shadow moves across his face at the scrape of a chair or the slam of a cupboard. When you see that shiver, you cross the tiles in three quick steps, crouch low, and pull him close, breathing “Safe, baby, safe. Only love here.”
He settles instantly, burrowing in, then peers up to ask, “Mama, why moon follow us on walks?” or “Why does soup make hearts feel better?” You answer every question with the weight it deserves, teaching him again and again that asking is safe, that love has time for every wonder.
Nights can still break like cracked shells because those first thirty days he woke every hour with a scream torn straight from the cupboard he used to hide in, the shout always the same, “Mama don’t leave, Mama I sorry”—voice raw as rope burn, limbs thrashing as if the pillowcase were closing in like a door he couldn’t push open. You never ran, you glided, scooping him before the second sob split the dark, pressing his tiny palms against your sternum and whispering the tide mantra you stitched together on the quietest NICU nights: “Breathe in with the waves, send the fear out with the foam, this water is ours, this love is home.” At first his breaths were shattered glass, his pupils blown wide, but you rocked in slow circles until he could name the shapes in the wallpaper again, until his chubby fist unclenched and unfolded like a sea anemone testing safety, until he stroked your hair the way you soothed him and whispered “Mama safe” with a softness that vibrated through your collarbones. Only then did you settle him back into the surfboard pajamas still warm from his nightmare sweat, surrounding him with lavender mist and bunny’s stitched smile, and watching him sink into what sleep should have always been, an ebbing tide rather than a riptide.
Morning resets him like tide lines drawn fresh in wet sand. He sprints barefoot across the kitchen tile, feet pattering in a rhythm that reminds you of tiny gull wings, arms lifted in the universal plea for altitude, and Jaemin, who can deadlift every worry off your shoulders, answers by swinging him high so that Minjoon’s tummy bumps rock-solid biceps almost as thick as his waist. The toddler squeals “Dada strong” and drool sparkles from the curve of his gap-toothed grin, cheeks flushed peach as he claps along to the whisk’s metallic beat while you whip oat milk into clouds to keep his delicate stomach calm. Haeun appears, ballet-straight posture and hair ribbon snapping a comet’s tail, brandishing a silver spoon like a conductor’s baton as she orchestrates the pouring of blueberry batter onto the pan, declaring each pancake a tiny island for seahorses to live on. Minjoon thrums with excitement, turning every stirring motion into a dance step, both children chanting “Flip, flip” until golden disks arc through steam. Jaemin’s gaze lingers on the syrup drip sliding down your forearm, and when you lick it away his pupils darken like deep water beyond the sandbar while Minjoon gasps at the sweetness vying for attention, tipping his shell cup so oat milk dribbles along his chin and your sleeve becomes a sugary map of domestic miracles.
Afternoons bloom into language adventures scattered across foam puzzle mats that smell faintly of vanilla and crayon wax; you and Jaemin hide flashcards inside bright red blocks so speech drills feel like treasure hunts, prompting Minjoon to shout half-formed words in triumph. He calls a pineapple a “pine ball” and a dolphin a “doll fish,” rolling with laughter as Haeun repeats his inventions in operatic soprano, translating nonsense into nonsense while Jaemin chuckles through clenched abs, the deep reverberation shaking plush planets off the shelf. You hear every syllable’s true intent, translating his babble into meaning even when his consonants tangle, because you have woven yourself into the spaces between his breaths; he sits on your lap tracing the grains of your necklace bead by bead, whispering lisped questions about whether the moon ever feels lonely because it cannot splash like him, how long forever really is, and whether sadness is why you make soup instead of cake. Each answer you give becomes a stepping-stone he leaps across, small feet thudding on the rug, cheeks blooming roses when he nails a new word and Jaemin lifts him overhead in celebration so the chandelier prisms scatter rainbow shards across his dimpled elbows.
Your bond is spun from the ordinary, a private language of giggles and whispers that no one else can quite translate. Jaemin sometimes struggles to keep up, brow furrowed as Minjoon babbles, “Mama, fuffa dino boom boom,” when he’s talking about dinosaur pajamas, or “Dada, gween bopple taste happy” about a favorite green apple. Jaemin blinks, lost, and Haeun swoops in to provide wild interpretations: “He said he wants to eat pancakes for dinner and become a unicorn, Daddy!” which sends Minjoon into wild giggles, clutching his stomach and shrieking, “No, Hae-Hae, no unicorn, pancakes!” Still, you never miss a beat. Every muddled phrase, every lisped syllable, you understand as if the two of you share the same heartbeat. He’ll crawl into your lap, chatter about the color of the sea, or how his “toes want to be fish,” and you nod, serious, saying, “Maybe today your toes will learn to swim, bubba.” He babbles through baths, grocery lists, while putting on shoes, spinning stories about “bubba’s castle” and “moon puddles” and “Mama, can we make big soup and eat with Daddy and Hae-Hae?” You answer each thought with matching energy, voice pitched just right, letting him know there is no question too silly, no dream too small.
At bedtime, he insists you tuck him in even if Jaemin’s already sung the lullaby, pouting and holding up his arms: “Mama, hug me tight, squish all the bad dreams.” He nuzzles in, face smushed against your neck, whispering, “Mama, never let go, ‘kay?” and you promise, over and over, that nothing, not night, not noise, not anything, will take you from him again. He sleeps with one hand fisted in your shirt and the other gripping Bunny, blue nightlight washing his soft cheeks, lips parted in peaceful, needful trust. Some mornings, when dawn glows pale across the room, he stirs first and traces the shape of your mouth with his thumb, breathing warm against your cheek, and whispers, “Mama still here.” Each time, you close your eyes and let your heart remember: you dove ten feet down, but it was your baby boy who hauled you back to the light. Every day you rise and breathe, it’s because he reached for you and made you want to surface.
Jaemin steps into the dim nursery carrying the soft hush of the hallway on his shoulders, moonlight glinting along the muscles in his forearms as he leans over Minjoon’s tiny planet-print quilt and presses an unhurried kiss to the toddler’s brow, his lips lingering long enough to feel the warm flutter of a dreaming sigh. “Good night, baby boy,” he whispers, and Minjoon’s lips twitch into a foggy half-smile before he snuggles deeper into the crook of your arm, lashes brushing the curve of your breast where milk waits heavy and warm. You shift your nightshirt, guiding his sleepy mouth to latch, and Jaemin’s eyes soften to liquid amber; he bends to kiss the corner of your mouth, tasting both strawberry lotion and promise, then moves to brush his lips over the swell of your exposed breast in silent gratitude before you settle the fabric aside. You feel his breath, a tender wave across your skin, while Minjoon’s fists relax, one hand opening like a sea anemone against Jaemin’s knuckles. The three of you hover together in the low glow of the star night-light, the rhythm of sucking mingling with your slow heartbeats until the room itself seems to pulse.
He straightens, clears his throat, and murmurs something about needing to reorganise the storybooks, though you and he both know you shelved them alphabetically with Haeun just this afternoon; still he drifts to the tiny bookcase, fingertips ghosting spines, eyes never really leaving the slow bob of Minjoon’s swallow or the way your hand strokes the velvet of his curls. He moves on to smooth an already perfect stack of folded blankets, tugs a plush comet half an inch to the left, pretends to dust the glowing star decals Haeun placed in perfect constellations, all so he can steal glances at the sight of his son drowsing safe at your breast, his family gathered like sea-glass treasures on a quiet shore.
Minjoon lies boneless against your chest, breath warm and sweet with lingering milk, his lashes fluttering like slow wings, yet sleep hasn’t sealed his lips just yet; he shifts, small toes brushing your thigh, and in that hush only the night-light hums while you map the weight of him across your ribs. His forehead nuzzles the slope of your collarbone, cheeks still rosy from the effort of nursing, and he sighs a soft ocean-shaped sigh before murmuring, “Mama, ’member beach? Wawa big, bubba love splash, water talk nice.” Each word is slurred velvet, but you catch every syllable, stroking the curve of his dimpled arm where milk droplets still glisten, answering in a whisper tuned to his slowing pulse.
“Yes, baby, the sea sings just for you.” He hums approval, nose wrinkling like a sleepy rabbit’s, and his fingers, still curled possessively in the neckline of your sleep shirt, loosen by a fraction, as though your reply has threaded a little more peace into his bones. You feel his heartbeat steady, neither too fast from fear nor too slow with sorrow, and with each rhythmic thump your own lungs learn the tempo of safety again.
He shifts, bunny crushed between you, and exhales another confession half drowned in drowsiness: “Wish bubba go outside more at the old house. Old dada and mama had beach close but no play, just look from window.” The syllables tumble over one another, vowels lazy, yet every fragment slices clear, loneliness pressed against cold glass, tiny palms yearning for salt air. You kiss the fine curls at his crown, tasting soap and the faintest tang of sea breeze still tangled in them from this afternoon’s adventure.
You smooth your hand down his back as you promise, “Tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, you’ll touch every wave you want, my sea-bright boy.”
He makes a contented “mmm,” lips pursing, then opens one eye—the brown saturated with moonlight, just enough to find your face, searching for proof that your vow has weight; when he sees belief shining back at him, he lets the lid drift closed again, whispering, “Mama promise big,” the consonants melting into a sigh that smells of oat and trust.
Minjoon’s lashes flutter as if he means to drift off, but the second you shift your shirt he lets out a soft whimper, lips mouthing the air, nose nuzzling for the familiar warmth, then coos a sleepy “Mama, more, bubba still hungry,” voice sticky with need. His mouth latches again, cheeks hollowing in gentle pulls that send a warm tug low in your belly, tiny fingers drumming against your side as if urging the milk to flow faster. Each rhythmic suckle ends in a little click and a contented hum, his button nose brushing your skin while a milky crescent gleams on his lower lip.
You stroke his damp curls, murmuring, “Drink up, sea sprite,” and watch his eyelids droop heavier with each swallow, his feet giving one last kick before settling. Bunny slips from his grasp but Jaemin catches it, sliding the plush ear back beneath Minjoon’s hand without breaking the spell, eyes locked on the tender seal of your son’s mouth around you, the way your fingers cradle the curve of his skull as though you’re holding the entire tide in a single touch.
Jaemin’s breath hitches, awe pouring across his features like moonlight on calm water, and when he bends to kiss your shoulder his lips linger an extra heartbeat longer than before. “You are unbelievable,” he murmurs, voice husky, fingers lightly tracing the line where your breast meets Minjoon’s flushed cheek. His gaze flicks up, dark and reverent, making your pulse stutter beneath his fingertips while your son suckles in slow, languorous pulls that vibrate through you both. Jaemin’s free hand smooths the quilt over Minjoon’s legs again, a task already finished but repeated just to keep close, then travels to cup the back of your neck, thumb drawing soft circles that spark along your spine. “Seeing you give him everything he was denied makes me fall harder every night,” he whispers, and presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth that tastes of silent promises and warm milk. When Minjoon finally releases with a drowsy sigh, Jaemin gently tucks you back into your shirt, brushing a stray drop of milk from your skin with his thumb before letting it linger just a moment too long. He settles Bunny’s paw securely beneath a chubby arm, straightens, and drinks in the scene, your smile, the steady rise of Minjoon’s contented breathing, memorising it like a sacred tide chart he’ll navigate back to long after the nursery light clicks off.
Minjoon’s head slides lower, settling over the steady drum of your heart, and you sponge quietly across the room with slow fingertips up and down his spine; he murmurs one final thought, voice so small you feel it more than hear it: “Mama, bubba safe now.”
You answer by drawing the quilt to his shoulders, easing Bunny’s ear beneath his palm, and shaping the words against his temple like a spell: “Always safe, always loved, never missed another splash.” He shifts, fingers finding the hem of your shirt once more, but this time the grip is gentle, a tether of comfort rather than fear, his mouth parted, breath drifting across your skin in feathery waves that mimic the sea he loves. In that delicate moment, as sleep folds him under, you understand how completely he has repaid every breath you lost in the water: by turning each night into a shoreline where you both can rest, tides of love rising and falling in perfect, luminous quiet.
After Minjoon finally opened up to you, snuggled in his bed and milk-drunk, voice heavy with sleep, whispering about how much he loved the beach and water even though it sometimes scared him, how he used to watch other children play in the waves when he lived with his old Mama and Dada, but was never allowed to join, always left behind at the window. Hearing him say, “Wish bubba go outside more at the old house. Only look, no splash,” broke something deep in your chest, and you held him tighter, promising that this life would be different. You stroked his hair, promising that you would fill his days with as many waves and sunlit afternoons as he could ever want.
So when Saturday rolled around, you kept that promise, planning a surprise trip for the whole family to reclaim the very beach that had almost taken you both away. The air shimmering with sunscreen and cautious hope as you pack swimsuits, buckets, drinks and snacks, Jaemin fussing over floaties and hats, and Haeun dancing around the living room in her bathing suit, shouting, “Beach day!” The four of you load into the car, Minjoon clutching Bunny and peeking at you every few minutes, checking that this isn’t just a dream, that you really meant it when you said, “We’re going to play in the water together, all day, as long as you want.” You can feel his trust, timid and bright, growing with every mile toward the coast, a reclamation not just of sand and salt, but of his right to joy and belonging.
The sun cuts through hazy clouds, brightening the sand until it burns white and silver beneath your toes. Jaemin can’t take his eyes off you. He stands a pace behind, towel slung over his shoulder, the sight of you in your coral-pink swimsuit making every muscle go slack, his gaze tracing every curve, still stunned by the way you look after everything you’ve survived, the way sunlight paints your collarbone gold and your scars like the contour lines of a tide map. Haeun’s swimsuit mirrors yours in miniature, yellow bows bright against her shoulders and her curls bundled atop her head, cheeks glowing and legs kicking up sand as she leaps, calling, “Mama, look! Like you! We twins!” She grabs your hand and twirls.
You laugh, letting Haeun spin you until you’re dizzy, her curls bouncing and her yellow bows bobbing as she shrieks again and again, “Mama, look! We twins, we twins!” You scoop her up, hugging her tight, pressing your nose to hers as she giggles and squishes your cheeks with sticky hands.
Minjoon immediately shuffles over and glues himself to your side, squeezing your thigh with both arms, looking up and pouting, “Mama, me match too? Bubba same as you?”
You lean down, ruffling his curls, laughing softly. “Of course, bubba. You and Dada have your blue suits, and us girls—pink and yellow! See? All my babies matching. We’re the best team.”
Haeun squeals and kisses your cheek, smudging a little sunscreen, while you boop her nose, and Minjoon wriggles in for a kiss too, chanting, “Mama, Mama, kiss bubba, too!” You press kisses all over his face, and Haeun giggles, “Mama loves bubbas best,” collapsing into your lap as the sand crunches beneath you, sun burning warm across your backs.
Jaemin watches all this with a wide grin, eyes glued to the way your coral-pink swimsuit hugs your hips, the thong bottom leaving your ass bare and sun-kissed, and he walks right up, slapping your ass with a sharp, playful smack that makes you gasp-laugh, your arms tightening around both kids. Haeun lets out a scandalized, “Silly, naughty Dada!”
Jaemin just pokes his tongue out at her, grinning. “What? My girl looks too good, what am I supposed to do?”
Minjoon, squished between your thighs and clutching your hand, looks up with adoring, sleepy eyes and mumbles, “Dada silly. Mama pretty. Bubba happy. I love my family.” It’s messy, loud, sandy, and you wouldn’t trade a second, sunlight, laughter, the feel of Jaemin’s hand sliding over your bare back, and your children glowing beside you, everything safe and claimed in the tide-washed light.
Jaemin can’t stop grinning, tugging you in for a quick, surreptitious kiss on the cheek, voice low and hungry, “You’re going to kill me in that suit, you know that, right?” Heat sparks in your belly, but the shriek of Haeun already has him sprinting down the sand, chasing her as she pelts toward the edge of the tide, arms flapping and laughter bursting free. The air smells of coconut sunscreen and crushed grass from the dunes, and you feel Jaemin’s hand brush the small of your back, all wordless awe, before he’s off at a run, his silhouette long and loose in the morning light.
Haeun is a flash of pure joy. She claims every inch of the shoreline, dancing in wild arcs around your towel, splashing ankle-deep into the foam, spinning so fast her bows slip sideways, arms thrown out as if the wind might carry her. “Mama, watch! Mama, watch me jump!” she calls, and you cheer as she launches over a wave, stumbles, and comes up spitting salt and giggling. Jaemin is never far behind, sweat already glistening at his hairline as he wades in after her, catching her up under the arms and swinging her, a wild carousel of shrieks and sandy toes. You watch him plant a wet kiss to her forehead, then set her down to chase after a seagull, and for a second he leans back, hands on hips, breathless and beaming at you. Haeun calls for ice cream and Jaemin raises a brow, mock-exasperated, “Again? Already?” She just grins, grabs his hand, and races him to the vendor, while you remain where the sand is still cool, heart beating double for the girl who lives as if every inch of the world is hers to reclaim. She tries, at times, to ease Minjoon, “Come on, baby bubba!”—but he only peeks at her from behind your legs, shy and trembling, unable to loosen his grip on you.
Minjoon’s whimpers are so small at first you almost miss them, just the tremor of his breath, the sticky salt of anxiety wetting his brow as he presses his cheek to your thigh. His fingers dig into your hips, his body wound tight, legs cinched around you as if the sea itself might reach for him again. “Mama, Mama, no go, no go,” he mutters, every syllable low and frantic.
You crouch down, scooping him up, holding him close until his heartbeat slows against your chest. “We’re safe, baby. I’ve got you, I’m not letting go.” He snuffles, lashes clumped with tears, nose pink and damp as you rock him gently, humming his favorite lullaby under your breath, letting him listen to the ocean at a safe distance, until finally his breathing slows. You smooth sunscreen over the tender skin at the nape of his neck, feathering kisses along his hairline, whispering, “Every freckle, every curl, mine to keep, my moon-boy, always safe, always held.” Slowly, you guide his hands to the bucket and help him dig the first shallow moat in the sand, narrating every movement as you go.
You take baby steps, no rushing. “Let’s try a little closer, bubba,” you whisper, feet sinking into the damp, ridged sand, the hush of the waves meeting the shore like a slow inhale. Minjoon’s arms clutch around your neck, his body a tight knot of nerves and want. “Mama, too big, water loud,” he breathes.
You just nod, “It’s loud, baby, but I’m right here.” For a long time you stand at the very edge of the tide, foam swirling around your ankles, feeling the thrum of his heart against your own. Each time the water slips up over your feet, Minjoon buries his face against your neck, but when you pull back, gentle, and show him the shallow pools left behind, he peeks out, curiosity flickering through his worry. You bend to point out a hermit crab, the iridescent blue of a mussel shell, and his breath hitches, fear giving way for just a moment to awe.
He peppers you with questions, voice small but insistent: “What’s dat, Mama? Dat shiny? Dat run away? Dat make noise?”
You kneel and show him every shell, every bit of kelp, let him hold a stone slick with saltwater and drop it into the pail. “That’s a mussel shell, love. That’s kelp, it’s like sea spaghetti!” You make a silly slurping sound and he giggles, face buried in your shoulder.
“Mama, you silly.” He asks why the seagulls scream, why the waves crash, why the sand sticks between his toes. You answer with soft patience, letting him set the pace, matching his wonder with your own.
He’s back at it a second later, tugging at your hand, voice running a mile a minute: “Mama, why water cold? Mama, why wave make big crash sound? What’s dat bird, Mama, why bird yell at me? Mama, sand sticky in my toes, look, Mama, toes look like cookies, you want bite?” Every new thing demands explanation, every moving shadow and skittering bug becomes an emergency mystery for you to solve.
You answer each one with soft patience, letting him press a wet shell to your cheek, offering nonsense back and forth, “Maybe that bird’s yelling because he wants your cookie toes, bubba!”
He gasps, eyes round, and wedges himself tighter in your lap. “No, Mama, you save bubba! Mama, you strong? You here if water big?”
You press your lips to his ear, voice low and sure, “Always, always. Mama’s the strongest swimmer in the whole ocean, and I’m never letting go.” He nods, reassured, already shifting to point out the next treasure, his voice bubbling over with new questions, trust and joy threading through every breath.
He nods, snuggles tighter, and with each new discovery, sea glass, crab claws, the tangled root of driftwood, he asks, “Dat safe? Bubba safe?” and you reassure him again and again, your words a mantra, a tide returning always to shore.
Your love for him glows brighter than the sun beating down. You kneel in the sand and let him build towers on your knees, let him squish wet sand between your fingers, giggle as he makes a castle for Bunny with a seashell roof. When he cups a tiny crab in his palm, face screwed up with concentration, he holds it out to you for approval, breathless. “Mama, good? Bubba brave?”
You beam, pressing your forehead to his, "Bravest bubba I ever saw.”
He clings to the words, repeats them to himself, “Bubba brave,” as if trying on a new suit. When he hesitates at the water’s edge, toes curling, you let him decide when to step forward, never pulling, always patient. You watch the shift in him, the softening of his shoulders, the way his eyes brighten with each new sound and scent.
The magic is in the slow reclamation, the way he fits into your arms like he was born to be held, the way you both tremble but stand anyway, step by tiny step, until the water is swirling at your knees and he’s still wrapped around you but now giggling, head thrown back, droplets sparkling along his cheeks. “Mama, swim? Bubba swim?” he asks at last, hope shimmering in his voice. You nod, lift him high, and wade deeper, the sea cool silk on your calves, Jaemin’s watchful shadow never far behind.
Haeun and Jaemin call from the shallows, “Come on, slowpokes!” and when Minjoon hesitates you make a silly fish face, coax a giggle, and together you dive under the first small wave. His legs tighten around your waist but he shrieks with delight, nose crinkling, lips shiny with saltwater, and when he surfaces he grins, triumphant, “Mama, we did it! Bubba swim!”
The atmosphere is golden and alive, Haeun shrieking with every wave, Jaemin tossing her into the surf and catching her midair, Bunny stashed on a towel but never far from sight. Jaemin glances back at you often, eyes shining, pride and gratitude written in every line of his body. When you and Minjoon finally settle onto the sand to build castles, Haeun flops beside you, still dripping, and sprawls across your lap. Minjoon, newly bold, insists on decorating every tower with seaweed and shells, and tells you, “Mama, make more! Make big!” You laugh and let him order you around, secretly soaking in every second of his joy, every moment he looks at you as if you invented the world.
As the sun dips and the air cools, you wrap him in a fluffy towel and hold him close, his body limp with exhaustion but his eyes bright and unafraid. “Mama, love you. Bubba safe now,” he whispers, thumb creeping to his mouth. You press your lips to his forehead, rocking him gently, while Haeun chatters about catching moonbeams in jars and Jaemin pretends to snore beside her. The sound of your children laughing, the grit of sand beneath your knees, the sting of salt still drying on your skin, these things feel holy, woven through with every ounce of love and healing you could ever give or receive. When the day ends and you gather your babies and all your battered, reclaimed hopes, you know the beach that once took everything from you is now a place of return, a place where Minjoon, clinging and cautious, learned how to call joy home again, and where you, holding him, learned how to breathe. Together you walk toward the car, the four of you tangled and sun-warmed, trailing footprints that the tide will claim and erase, but the memory will remain: a day bright as forgiveness, a world wide as love, a beach remade for you and your bubba, one gentle wave at a time.
By the time the sun has drifted behind the dunes and the air tastes like salt and distant barbecues, your babies have curled into sleep on each of your chests, Minjoon sprawled over your heart, thumb working at Bunny’s ear, breathing slow and steady in a way that makes you believe in miracles, and Haeun draped across Jaemin’s bare shoulder, hair tangled with sand and tiny shells, one fist clutching his shirt, her lips parted in a smile even in sleep. You and Jaemin lie tangled together on the beach blanket, watching the last gulls arc over the glitter of tide pools, both of you so heavy with peace you can hardly speak. When you finally gather them, their limbs soft and heavy, you barely manage to rouse them for the walk back to the car. Haeun murmurs, “Home time, Mama.”
Minjoon only stirs to nuzzle your collarbone, mumbling, “Love Mama, love dada.” Bath time is a gentle ritual, two sleepy bodies slumped in your lap, warm water sluicing away the grit of the day while you and Jaemin work in tandem, washing curls and scrubbing tiny toes, kissing each forehead as the steam fogs the bathroom mirror. Both children yawn, eyes heavy, lashes dark against flushed cheeks, and by the time you’ve wrapped them in towels and carried them to bed, their bodies have gone boneless again, breaths falling in synchrony. That night, for the first time in a month, Minjoon sleeps through the dark without a single cry or whimper, no nightmares clawing him back to the cupboards of memory, just the slow tide of safety and love carrying him into the morning. When you realise, when dawn glows soft and quiet across his peaceful face, something inside you finally unknots; you melt into Jaemin’s arms, burying your face in his neck, and he kisses you back, hungry, grateful, hands slipping over your waist as if you’re the only thing that’s ever mattered.
You’re both still tangled up in the glow of that perfect, ordinary night when Jaemin pulls back, eyes shining with something more than just lust or gratitude, and crosses to the dresser. You watch, heart fluttering, as he slides open the top drawer and pulls out a velvet Pandora box, turning it in his hands before meeting your gaze. “I know I can’t ever repay you for what you’ve done for us,” he says, voice rough, “but you deserve something beautiful. Jeno got his wife something like this when we were all still in college and it’s really beautiful to see, she still wears it even after all this time so I admit, I took inspiration. I wanted you to have something that you could wear, every day, to remind you just how much I love you. How much you belong here, with us.” He opens the box, revealing a delicate silver bracelet that catches the lamplight like starlight on water, his hands trembling just a little as he lifts it free. You feel tears prick your eyes before you can stop them, and he coos and wipes them away, slipping the cool chain around your wrist with a tenderness that makes your heart ache.
There are two charms already threaded onto the silver: the first is a tiny, polished ballet slipper, pink enamel bright and sweet, delicate but strong. He brushes your hair behind your ear, kissing your temple as he murmurs, “For Haeun. Because she’s always wanted to dance. She’s our sunshine, our spark—your baby girl, your first real miracle. Every time I see her twirl, I see you, the way you never let her fall, the way you built a stage for her in the middle of our storms. You’re her safe place. Her teacher. Her Mama, forever.” The slipper glints as you twist your wrist, memories flooding you, her first hesitant steps in the living room, the mess of tutus and hair ties, the pure, blinding joy on her face every time she shouts, “Mama, watch!” You press your lips to the slipper, whispering thanks, knowing that every moment with Haeun is threaded through your life like a ribbon, grace, persistence, the brave joy of being seen and chosen.
The slipper is more than enamel and silver, it’s the flutter of Haeun’s laughter when morning sun spills across the living-room floor and she claims the light as her spotlight, the hush that falls over the apartment when she spreads her arms and announces, “Dove dance, Mama.” You remember how she pressed yellow stickers shaped like doves onto Minjoon’s nursery walls, promising him company even when she couldn’t be there, how those same birds now circle her own mirror, a paper flock that reminds her to keep her chin high. When she pirouettes, ribbons streaming, she’s the very definition of resilience: a beam of sunlight that learned how to curve and leap. The slipper on your wrist catches that radiance and carries it with you, a reminder that you’re a guardian of a soul made of feathers and fire, that your applause is the wind beneath every bourrée she attempts, that every time you steady her waist during an arabesque you’re teaching her that balance is found in love first, technique second. You stroke the charm once more, seeing not just pink enamel but a sunrise bottled and worn, Haeun’s sunrise. She’s your dawn after the longest night, the first ray that broke through when grief clouded every horizon; she’s the reason you learned lullabies and the discipline of gentle hands, the reason you still tuck love notes into lunch boxes, folding each one into a shape she calls “sunbeam letters.” Jaemin closes his hand over yours, thumb circling the tiny slipper like a vow, and you feel the years ahead opening wide: recitals where the stage lights halo her curls, feather-soft slippers abandoned in the hallway after late practice, chalky rosin dust mapping little footprints across the floor. With the bracelet snug against your pulse, you know you’ll be standing in the wings for every leap, ready to clap, ready to catch, ready, always, to be the net that lets your sunshine soar. That delicate slipper isn’t just a charm; it’s the first heartbeat of motherhood itself, the moment Haeun’s newborn cry crowned you with a title no loss could ever steal, she’s the one who made you a Mama, the spark that ignited every instinct to shelter, teach, and twirl right alongside her.
The second charm is blue, a perfect, tiny glass bead shot through with silver and aqua, swirling like a wave caught in sunlight. Jaemin’s fingers linger over it as he explains, voice low and awed. “For Minjoon. For our boy, for water, for second chances, for everything blue, new and brave. You saved him, and he saved you. Every time you see this, I want you to remember that you’re both survivors, both more beautiful and strong than you ever knew. He’s your anchor and your sea, your softness and your adventure. This is for every moment you pulled him close and said, ‘You’re safe, baby, you’re home,’ even when you didn’t feel safe yourself. He made you a Mama all over again. He brought you back to the surface.” The bead flashes in the lamplight, a promise coiled tight around your wrist, reminding you of Minjoon’s blue eyes blinking up at you from the surf, the way he clings to you in every new world, the way he fills you with peace like the hush of the tide. Jaemin draws you in, the bracelet cool and perfect between you, and you hold him as tightly as you ever held your children, knowing that this life, the laughter, the safety, the soft blue and gold light of your home, is everything you ever hoped for, more than you ever dreamed you could keep. The blue bead catches every stray shimmer of lamplight and scatters it across the room, the silver threads inside glittering like moon paths laid over midnight water. As you turn your wrist, the charm rolls and its colors deepen, turquoise slipping into cobalt, then back into pale sea-glass green, each shift a reminder of the day Minjoon’s small fingers closed around yours in the surf, begging you both to survive. That bead is the first gasp of breath after drowning, the hush that settles on the ocean just before dawn, the promise that even when tides drag you under, love will buoy you back to the surface. Inside that swirling blue you see his drenching eyes blinking up through salt spray, hear his shaky voice: “Mama safe now?” and feel your own heartbeat answer yes, yes, I’m here. Every glance at the charm promises you’ll never again let the water steal his laughter, never again let darkness rise higher than the bright, brave blue of his world.
Haeun’s dovelike slipper and Minjoon’s ocean bead jingle together when you move, two tiny lanterns swinging from the same silver line, sunset and sea tide, light and hush, the twin truths that birthed you into motherhood twice over. The slipper reminds you that she arrived first, a single sunbeam slicing through every storm, crowning you Mama with her very first cry; she taught you the choreography of unconditional love. The bead shows how Minjoon dragged you back into that title when you feared you’d lost it forever, proving you could be reborn underwater just as surely as you once bloomed under sunlight. Side by side, the charms clink like sea foam meeting shore, like applause in a quiet studio, singing their duet of survival: one child dancing forward, the other holding tight, both of them stitching you into the person you were always meant to be. pYou lift your wrist and the bracelet slips cool against your pulse, and you feel the world narrows to the warmth of Jaemin’s hand at your back and the distant sigh of two safe children sleeping. Tears blur the charms until slipper and wave melt into one shimmering droplet, and you realize that motherhood isn’t one moment but a tide that ebbs and floods, Haeun’s sunshine pulling you skyward, Minjoon’s ocean cradling you deep, each swell making space for the other. You lean into Jaemin’s chest, letting the scent of salt and milk and brand-new silver fill your lungs, and whisper, “They made me a Mama twice, you made me whole.” His arms tighten, sealing the bracelet’s weight against your skin, and in that hush, blue and gold, dove feather and sea spray, you finally, completely, belong.
Returning to work is a new kind of ache: a slow, careful unfolding. Your medical probation has been officially lifted, but there’s a shadow of supervision trailing behind, case reviews, mandatory weekly check-ins, the quiet, omnipresent oversight of your chief resident, Dr. Siyeon. Still, you feel the rhythm coming back: the confidence of stitching a wound, the familiar hum of monitors, the sound of nurses greeting you by name. The pediatric ward staff, who once held you at arm’s length, now tuck chocolate bars in your locker and sneak extra breaks your way. You’re still learning how to be present in two worlds, hospital and home, code blue and bedtime stories but the split no longer feels like punishment, just the shape of your new life. Your shifts are lighter now, two days a week plus weekends on call, a schedule carved around your babies and therapy sessions. There’s relief in the ordinary, the way old muscle memory returns: scrubbing in, charting, teaching an intern how to handle a parent in tears. Some days you stand outside the on-call room and just breathe, letting the weight of old guilt dissolve.
Back at work, you’re never alone, Jaemin’s hand is a quiet anchor at your lower back as you navigate crowded corridors, always making sure you’re shielded from harsh lights and stranger’s eyes, his presence an unspoken promise that no one will ever touch you or question your place again. He intercepts whispers before they start, meets every sidelong glance with that calm, unflinching gaze, and answers every question with a softness that makes even the hardest nurses melt. You never walk anywhere without feeling his support, the heat of his palm curled around your wrist or squeezing your shoulder, a constant defense against the ache of memory and the coldness that used to chase you from room to room. And when you’re with your babies, his love expands to circle all of you, every meal, every laugh, every hand-clasp in the hallway, you feel untouchable, insulated by the family you built together, safe in a way that feels like armor, like grace, like coming home.
You finally feel safe. For the first time, the hospital isn’t a place that devours your spirit or marks you as someone broken, there’s no shame prickling your skin, no eyes searching for cracks in your composure. Jaemin’s steady hand and the weight of his devotion erase every old scar, and when your babies dart through the halls, laughter trailing behind them, you know you’re not judged or pitied, just seen, just loved. Every room feels warmer with him beside you, every meeting softer, and the fear that used to gnaw at your heart dissolves in the gentle, constant shelter of your family. Here, wrapped in Jaemin’s protection and your children’s bright joy, you are whole, you are enough, and at last—finally, quietly, beautifully—you belong. The afternoon glides forward wrapped in gentle confidence, the hospital corridors echoing with your children’s laughter rather than your old fears, and every department you pass feels smaller and kinder because Jaemin’s devotion shadows your steps like a steadfast star guiding sailors to safe harbor. You usher Haeun and Minjoon toward the nurses’ station, deposit a final kiss on each bright forehead, and promise movie-night slushies once clinic ends, their delighted chatter trailing behind as you step into Exam Room Seven with your chart tucked close, heart still light from that soft domestic exchange that reminded you how fully you belong.
Seated on the edge of the paper-crinkled cot is your next patient, Mr. Choi, a man whose birth certificate declares thirty-nine yet whose face reads early-twenties under the fluorescent glow, all smooth tawny skin, thick sable hair brushed back from a gentle widow’s peak, and wide hazel eyes that spark mischief even while discomfort pinches the corners. He lifts one hand in a shy greeting, the cuff of his denim jacket revealing lean wrist bones that carry a rosary tattoo, and the nurses outside the glass panel exchange quick smiles you are certain include a blush or two. Your own cheeks warm as you return his hello, noting that his complaint lists persistent palpitations and mild shortness of breath after an early-morning charity run. You ask him to describe the flutter, whether it feels like skipped beats or racing drums, and he chuckles in a voice low and melodic that the flutter worsens whenever charming doctors lean too close with stethoscopes. You fight the grin tugging at your lips, refocus on placing the diaphragm against his sternum, and hear a benign but irregular extra beat hinting at premature atrial contractions, nothing life-threatening yet worthy of an EKG and lifestyle counsel. He smells faintly of cedar soap and mint gums, and when he exhales his shoulders relax as if your presence alone eases more than the arrhythmia.
While you thread the blood-pressure cuff around his arm and tug the Velcro snug, Mr. Choi keeps his gaze fixed on the silver chain that dangles and sparkles every time you shift your wrist. He clears his throat, the corners of his mouth tipping into a grin. “Those charms,” he says, nodding toward the tiny ballet slipper and the little glass wave that catch the overhead light. “Let me guess, on weekends you’re center stage at the opera house, then you sprint straight to the coast and dive off cliffs like some adrenaline junkie?” His voice is playful, a gentle tease that somehow softens the antiseptic chill of the exam room.
You laugh, brushing your knuckles over the slipper’s pink enamel paint. “Not exactly,” you admit, fastening the gauge and squeezing the bulb. “The slipper is for my daughter. She pirouettes down the hallway at breakfast and insists every rug is a stage. If I don’t clap after each twirl she gasps like I’ve ruined the finale.” You rattle off the systolic number aloud for the chart and tap the wave charm so it swings. “And this little tide bead? That’s for my son. He calms when the ocean hums at his ankles, he calls the surf ‘the big hush,’ and he’ll stand right where the water just kisses his toes, singing to the waves like they’re old friends.”
His eyebrows jump, eyes warm with genuine admiration. “You’re hardly older than my youngest cousin,” he says, voice pitched low as if confiding a secret. “Yet you talk about two children like they’re the fuel in your veins. How do you keep that kind of energy?”
Heat pricks your cheeks, but you bite back a flustered laugh. “Honestly? Their giggles beat caffeine. Love is the best multivitamin on the market.”
He chuckles, shaking his head, then nods at the monitor as it beeps the diastolic. “Well, that sparkle in your eyes—” he gestures lightly toward your face “—brightens this place more than the fluorescents. My compliments to whoever designed motherhood for you.” Outside the glass panel the nurses exchange a pointed giggle; you pretend not to notice, focusing on keying the reading into his chart. He watches you schedule his imaging, still half-smiling. “So, Doctor Mom of the Year,” he ventures, tone softer now. “When your ballerina twirls and your little tide-talker needs a lullaby, who takes care of you?”
You glance up, pausing mid-keystroke, warmth flooding your chest despite the bustle in the corridor. “They do,” you answer after a breath, feeling the truth settle like sunlight on skin. “Every hug, every ‘Mama, watch!’—they’re the reason my heart beats steady. I patch them up, they patch me right back.” He nods, understanding flickering across his features, and you finish the notes, offer a final reassuring smile, and slip your wrist out of view, charms chiming softly like a duet of surf and music as you guide him toward the door.
You turn to rinse your hands at the tiny sink, glimpsing the bracelet one more time, and for a single breath the polished stainless backsplash shows your patient’s reflection warped by water droplets into something unspeakable, half his polite smile melting into an abyss of onyx eyes and jagged teeth before the vision snaps back to normal glassy steel, leaving only your pulse thrumming high in your ears. You spin, heart stuttering, yet find him sitting as before, boyish and charming, thumbs tapping nervously against his thigh, utterly human and unaware. The room feels one degree colder despite the steady vent hum, and you swallow, forcing your fingers steady as you hand him discharge instructions, wondering whether the fluorescent light played a trick or whether the nightmare you thought dissolved has merely been biding its time in the shadows behind every shining surface. Your gloved hands steady the ultrasound probe over Mr. Choi’s flank as the local anaesthetic takes hold, the hum of the portable machine filling the procedure suite while you guide a fine biopsy needle toward the shadow on his kidney. Conversation stays light by design, oxygen saturation, weekend weather, until he breaks the rhythm with a wistful, “You know, I’ve got a little one at home. Two years and four months. He talks my ear off.” The words snag someplace soft inside you as that's Minjoon’s exact but you school your voice, eyes fixed on the grayscale monitor.
“That’s a fun age,” you offer, keeping anything more personal locked behind your tongue.
The needle slides true, a perfect dart, and he exhales. “Bet you’ve heard all the toddler stories.”
You nod, pulse ticking faster, because that is exactly Minjoon’s age, but a lifetime of caution around strangers keeps your reply to a neutral, “Plenty.”
You’re bent over the tray, steady hands threading the suture, mind locked on the glisten of blood and tissue and the sterile smell of the room. You’re not thinking about anything outside this tiny circle of lamp-lit focus, not the rattle of trolleys or the distant voices down the corridor. You don’t notice Jaemin yet, don’t see him walking your way in loose blue scrubs, don’t see the flash of yellow that is Haeun darting down the hall like she owns the place, her bows bobbing and her voice carrying in quick bursts, or Minjoon in his arms, clinging close and peering around the hospital, wide-eyed and overwhelmed, still new enough that every beeping monitor and passing white coat makes him shrink tighter into his father’s chest. You’re focused on Choi’s kidney, the numbers on the screen, the way each movement has to be precise and clean. Only when the quiet stretches does your attention snap to him.
“Your children are beautiful, Doctor.” Choi’s voice slices through the clinical silence, soft and oddly measured. Instinct makes you look up, following the tilt of his head and the direction of his gaze, and you catch sight of your family just beyond the glass, Jaemin’s frame broad and reassuring, Minjoon pressed tight against his chest, small fingers digging into his shirt, and Haeun bounding ahead with fearless delight, bows bobbing as she drags Jaemin’s hand toward the vending machine. The sight always floods you with warmth, and for a heartbeat your smile flickers out, the kind of unconscious pride that only love can summon. Yet as you catch the look on Choi’s face, something inside you wavers. The pleasure in the moment fractures, replaced by a prickle of suspicion and confusion—how does he know? How does a stranger, with no connection and no context, recognize the shape of your world so easily? The weight of it lands: of course he knows. Of course so many people know. Every piece of your family picked apart in news articles and posts, your traumas and miracles dissected for strangers, every smile, every scar, every private grief made public. Jaemin, the famous surgeon. You, the girl who drowned and lived. Your children, miracles and headlines. You don’t need to ask how Choi knows. You feel suddenly naked, like your whole body’s been split open for the world to paw through. There’s no protection here, not from strangers’ hunger, not from the darkness flickering behind Choi’s polite stare. You tape the gauze, press it down hard, wishing it was enough to hold everything together, wishing there was a stitch for this kind of exposure, for the danger that always seems to be coming.
You lean down, scalpel poised, the edge of the blade catching light in a cold, sterile gleam. For just a heartbeat, your wrist shifts beneath the overhead lamp, and the bracelet Jaemin gifted you, the charms for your children shimmering with promises and protection, shudders faintly, unnoticed by anyone but you. The tiny glass bead representing Minjoon, blue as the sea, deep and calm, cracks invisibly down its center. You feel the fracture like a hairline fissure inside your chest, and suddenly you hear it, a distant wave roaring louder, violent, rising into a furious, murderous crash. The charm’s beautiful blue darkens, swirling into a murky black, an ocean corrupted, waters poisoned. Inside your mind, you sense the black swan that once haunted your dreams, always lurking, sinister and graceful, swimming with menace beneath still waters. You feel its sudden defeat, the creature finally withering away into nothingness, wings crushed and feathers drifting lifelessly on an ink-dark sea. But the relief is short-lived. In its place, rising from the inky depths, looms something else, something darker, masculine, violently aggressive. It’s not elegant or subtle like the swan; it’s raw power, predatory and unmasked, spreading dark wings that blot out the sky. This creature stares straight into you, straight through you, a chilling promise in its endless gaze: you will never be safe, no matter how far you run, no matter how hard you try to hide.
Choi smiles easily as you finish stitching the incision, his features pleasant and open, nothing in his gentle expression hinting at anything darker beneath. Your attention is half on the neat row of sutures, half on your own thoughts, Jaemin probably rounding up the kids for lunch, the endless mental checklist of motherhood and medicine and Choi’s polite charm registers only distantly, like a pleasant background hum. When he thanks you softly, his voice is warm, friendly, innocent enough that your returning smile is genuine and unguarded. You don’t notice the way shadows briefly trace strange patterns across his face, or how the overhead lights catch something deep and unsettling flickering through his eyes, you’re already turning away, gathering your tools and notes, entirely unaware of the danger you’ve just overlooked. The patient nods appreciatively, harmless and grateful on the surface, but beneath his composed exterior, something ancient and malignant stirs quietly, patiently waiting for the moment you finally see it clearly.
author’s note
now, if you made it this far, i’d love it if you left me a comment, reblog, or even a like. i read every single one and they mean so much to me—it’s genuinely the best way to let me know what moved you, what you loved, or even what broke your heart. writing is a little lonely sometimes, it always takes me restless nights, and hearing from you makes it all feel worthwhile, like sharing a secret or lighting a candle for these characters. so don’t be shy! every little note is treasured and makes me want to keep going. thank you for reading, and for loving these messy, magical people with me. <3
➤ One of Seoul’s greatest record label, NEO RECORDS has always been on top of the music industry. Dishing out masterpieces catered only to those who has exquisite taste in music. The label was built from the dirty concrete until it reached the skyline, with artists that bled money, fame and success. Music was their life— but the lyrics doesn’t write itself. It was more than a song— it was a story told with chords, a piece performed with memories, by lips that sung the truth. Well, mostly. After all, lies just sounds better on the mic.
GENRE: ANGST, SMUT
WARNING: ‼️MDNI, toxic themes, explicit sexual content, drug use, violence, crimes, infidelity, obsession, stalking and manipulation.
if you want to be added to tags, lmk!!
▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။|||| |
➤ track ⌗ 1: now playing
superman - j.jh
summary ⭑ You knew better than to let yourself be tangled in the so called ‘superman’s sheets. You’ve heard enough— that he’s far from the beloved superhero everybody adored. Whilst Clark Kent lived with dignity, honor and justice, Jeong Jaehyun thrived with sex, money and fame. You? Well, you’d live to be his kryptonite, making it your mission to see superman on his knees, ruining him for everybody else.
“ Is it a bird? A plane? No, it’s fucking Jeong Jaehyun. ”
GENRE: Angst, Fluff, Smut
WARNINGS: MDNI,toxic themes, obsession, manipulation, jealousy, explicit sexual themes, language, possessiveness, drugs&alcohol, morally flawed characters, violence, infamous!jaehyun x fem!reader
Exp. WC: 15k -20k
➤ track ⌗ 2: now playing
call me back - l.mk
summary ⭑ “Uh, hey.. it’s Mark again. Hmm, just leaving a message just in case… you know what, nevermind. Uhm, yeah.. I’m performing at your hometown tonight… a few special songs I wrote.. for— Ah, fuck this is pathetic.. anyways, yeah. I know I’ve said this a million time but.. call me back, yeah?” Mark knows you wouldn’t answer, he doesn’t even know if you still have the same number. Nonetheless, he still calls you— leaves a message, as if it’d change the fact that you’re not his anymore. As if it’ll erase the mistake he made. One mistake that left him here, settling in your dialtone. He hears it again,
“We’re sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service at this time.”
GENRE: Angst, Smut, Fluff
WARNINGS: MDNI, toxic themes, cheating/infedelity, explicit sexual content, language, drugs&alcohol, ex!mark x fem!reader, violence
Exp. WC: 15k -20k
➤ track ⌗ 3: now playing
heartless - s.jn
summary ⭑ Neo Records wasn’t always the best, just like any other— it had to start from something. Johnny Suh made the label from his own blood and sweat, building straight from the ruins, holding into his ambition as power until he engraved his name onto the solid grounds of the industry. However— behind a man who has everything, was a woman that gave him exactly that, everything. A woman who left him scarred for years. He had never thought he’d see you again, but here you are— standing in front of him, ready to ruin him all over again. But he’ll be damned if he’d let you— a woman so heartless, claim his legacy and destroy him again.
“I hope I’ll haunt you with the idea that I would’ve fought for us ‘til the very fucking end.”
GENRE: Angst, Smut, Fluff
WARNINGS: MDNI, toxic themes, explicit sexual content, language, drugs&alcohol, ceo!johnnny x fem!reader, extreme violence, infidelity, obsession, crime
Exp. WC: 15k-20k
note: ok so.. don’t kill me. i just thought yk… the jh fic sounded really good as a standalone but what IF we make another series thats NOT gonna take years to make??? right?? no?? oh… well okay. ig you guys just gotta trusts me then🙏 let me cook smth gewwddd!!
hi! i hope you’re doing well 🤍 just wanted to drop by and let you know that i can’t wait for your next release~
hello! thank you for dropping by❤️
honestly these kinds of comments makes me sooo motivated to write, and it reminds me that theres some people that actually waits for my future posts/fics!! ahh its so heartwarming 😩
also i am writing— multiple fics, actually. hehe that’s all im gonna say right nowwww~~
summary ➸ ♡ Huang Renjun, the sweetie of the year, is one hard star to catch. Not as easy as his other friends, he's quite difficult to have. Although he has a fair share of affairs with girls, it is considered to be a rare occurence. But you? Oh boy were you something. You were quite head over heels over him. His friends could never understand, but you were persistent to get the boy. No matter how much he refuses your advances, Its like you found art in rejection. But to what degree can you hold it out?
"I can be everything I want, but fuck, I only wanted to be yours. Even though you couldn't be mine."
AUTHOR's NOTE: This has gone way too angst-y than I planned but hey, i thrive for angst. Longer than what I expected but it's not gonna be a ryo fic if I stuck with the expected wc lmao. also i cried while writing this fic lol
WC: 19k (told ya)
DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.
Enjoy reading! -ryo
My dearest Renjun,
I hope you had a wonderful day! I heard you have an exam today. Don’t forget to eat on time, okay? Here’s some brownies, I know you love them xoxo
-y/n
You clicked your pen after writing the letter, spraying a bit of your perfume on the note. You put it nicely on top of the box of brownies before putting it on your bag.
You checked the time, and you nod when it says exactly 7am.
“Seriously, a handwritten letter? You’re crazy,” your roommate, Julie, sassed at your small box of sweets.
You tighten your shoe laces, before turning around to get your bag. You smiled at Julie, “It’s a habit,” You hear her scoff, but before she argues again, you are fast on your feet.
As soon as you entered the school premises, you were greeted by some of the freshmen, waving at you. You of course, waved back and gave them a good morning back. It was nice to greet people, even if you don’t know them. You don’t know when a simple greeting could make someone’s day. It sure makes your day better at least.
You’re supposed to go left at the gym because you have practice at 7:30 sharp and you’ve used up all your chances to be late. However, if you run fast enough, you’re sure you’ll get there in time.
“Hey, y/n! Be careful!” One student says as you run through the hallway. You still manage to respond with a smile.
You look at your watch, and you silently curse. 7:15.
Once you made it at the school garden, you hover your eyes at the entire field and sure enough, you see who you’ve been looking for.
There he was. He sat with his three other friends, which you knew of. Usually, it’s only him and Jeno, but this time, there’s Jaemin and Haechan with him at the picnic table. Haechan slumped in the table, Jaemin mindlessly watching something on his phone and Jeno, along with Renjun, seemingly studying for their upcoming exam.
You put on your best smile, and dust off your cheer uniform.
Once you reach their table, you clear your throat. It was Jaemin who granted you attention first, and as soon as he looked at you, his smile beamed brighter than the sun. He’s good at that, a charmer, really. Too bad it doesn’t affect you in any way.
“Renjun, someone’s here for you,” He says through his smile and nudging Renjun.
You hear the boy grunt, and let out an exasperated sigh. Finally, he turns to you, and even if you swore you had a big smile, seeing him made it even bigger.
“Hi, Renjun! Uh,” you waved at him, and then brought the box of brownies out your bag, glad to see it's still in pristine condition. “--I brought brownies.. For you and your friends,”
That’s when Jeno and Haechan, who suddenly woke up from his sleep, looked up at you.
Renjun rubs his forehead, and sighed again. He puts down his pen that he was holding from earlier. “Y/n, I told you, stop making these for me.”
You gulp in nervousness. “Do.. do you not like them?” you can’t help sound dismayed, with the end of your sentence getting quieter.
“I like brownies. I just don’t like when it comes from you. Don’t you get that?”
Honestly, you were expecting this. Renjun was always harsh, however, you like to think he’s just brutally honest. But you would be lying if you say that it doesn’t sting.
“Oh-kay,” Jaemin joins the conversation, attempting to dilute the tension. Your smile falters for a second but you try your best to smile again. Jaemin continues, “Sorry, birdie, he’s just extra grumpy today ‘cause of the big exam later.. I’ll get that,” he grabs the brownies out of your hold.
You whisper a small thank you to Jaemin. “Renjun, if you change your mind, I guess Jaemin has the brownies..” you still tried to sound cheerful.
Renjun, however, didn’t say anything.
“I’ll shove it down his throat if I have to. Go on now, Birdie, I heard you guys have cheer practice at 7:30.” Jaemin answers for him again, sweet as ever.
That piqued your interest. You raised your brows, “How’d you know?”
“I have a friend in your squad. Now, shoo! Don’t wanna be late! Renjun says fighting!” He grabs Renjun’s hand and waved it forcefully, but Renjun just pulls away from his hold.
“Okay. Uh, bye everybody! Bye, Renjun.” Your eyes glanced at him with hope, but came to no avail when he just continued reading his book. Jeno waved a little bit and Haechan just gave you a fake smile. Haechan, for reasons unbeknownst to you, doesn’t seem to like you either. But you don’t dwell on it too much because frankly, you don’t care.
Jaemin smiles, waving at you. You turn your heels and start to run. You have two minutes to get to the gymnasium. It was worth it tho, you like to start your day seeing him.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
After a few hours of practice, you were dismissed due to the classes you have later on the day.
“Why were you late this morning?” Sunghoon, one of your spotters on the squad, asks as you walk to your class.
You didn’t have a chance to answer, when Minnie spoke. “Duh, she did her daily rejection therapy, of course.”
You shook your head and chuckled at her. “It’s not rejection therapy, Minnie.”
“Oh please, Huang Renjun could literally stomp at your feet and you’ll still show up with freshly baked cookies the next day.” Minnie was annoyed more than anything, but you still smile at her. You know she means well.
You chose not to answer because really, what’s there to say? Minnie might sound mean, but she’s just telling the truth.
Huang Renjun has rejected you more times than you can remember. Honestly, you think you’re immune to it now. Sometimes, you find it really interesting that he just won’t budge, at all. He hates your guts, but as long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he doesn’t verbally say to your face that he hates you, technically, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.
Much more women do worse, actually. Renjun’s really popular with women, despite the attitude and sass he possessed. Some girls are intrigued, curious as to how they could get with Renjun. Going further as to literally kneeling in front of him just to sleep with him. Poor Kim Chaeyon.
You’re not at that level of extremities yet, thank god.
Although he was picky, he did kind of have a fair share of girls. Some students call the girls he’s been with the chosen ones, making you laugh. Renjun has a standard, and he likes to abide by it.
Unlike his friends, Renjun can count in his fingers how many girls he was with. And boy, were they special.
Renjun is picky. He’s not someone you can just get together with just because you’re pretty. His standards are sky high, but hey, they don’t call you Birdie for no reason.
“I don’t get why you keep on pursuing Renjun, to be honest. Yeah, I heard he’s hot shit, but come on. You’re Y/n. NCU Cheersquad Captain, Thee Bird, and not to mention, a Mathematics Olympiad runner up. You’re like.. Einstein’s hot little sister.” Minnie didn’t stop, even after class she blabbered about your undying admiration for Renjun, claiming it doesn’t make sense to her.
It doesn’t really matter how many times Minnie likes to remind you that Renjun isn't worth your time, your answer stays the same.
“I just like him. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, Minnie.” You say casually as you bite into your apple.
“Ugh! You’re insufferable,” She says before standing up and stomping her way out. You just laughed at her reaction. Minnie’s easily pissed, and it amuses you.
It’s past five when you finished your day, ready to head back to your apartment. Your routine was consistent, it sometimes just differs depending on your practice and classes. You never really enjoyed going out with your friends, not a party-goer, and most especially, you’re not really amused by other boys, much to your friend’s dismay.
There have been attempts, here and there, of trying to pursue you. You just don’t feel like giving attention to any of them, when you already set your eyes on someone. It feels like a waste of time.
When you enter your dorm, you see Julie, all dressed up and ready to go out. You eye her up and down and give her a smile. “Going on a date?”
“Yeah, uh,” You notice she’s struggling to clasp her bracelet, so you try and help her with it.
“That dress looks cute on you,” you compliment her.
Julie never really dresses up for dates, well, at least you don’t see her getting this dolled up for a date. You have always questioned that, because she’s always out on dates and she looks good in dresses as well. But hey, each to their own.
“Thanks, y/n.” She replies with a forced smile, but you assumed it’s because she’s nervous.
You walk inside further, leaving her in the doorway putting her shoes. “Hey, don’t forget your keys.” You remind her.
“Uhm, I think I won’t need them.” Your smirk got even wider at her response, understanding exactly what she meant.
“You go, girl. Enjoy your date.” You giggled before you entered your room.
You sigh as soon as your back hits the soft mattress, relieved that you’re now in the comfort of your own home. You don’t let your eyes rest for more than three minutes because you have papers to finish tonight and you don’t intend to accidentally pass out earlier than what you’ve planned.
You did your basic night routine, ready to turn on netflix before drowning yourself in papers.
Your last step was to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, but before that, you shoot a text to the one who matters to you the most.
[8:01] to: renjun <3
just got home! i hope u ate some of the brownies from earlier, it’s really good! enjoy your night and see you tomorrow, renjunnie!
xoxo -y/n
[9:05 read]
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Just go talk to him, y/n. Get your mind off that Renjun boy.” You roll your eyes at Minnie who nudges you.
You don’t know why people even attempt to ask you out. You’ve made it clear that you only have eyes for Renjun, and the fact that you never went out with anyone should’ve made it obvious. Do you have to write it across your forehead?
Sungchan’s nice. Really tall, not bad with the eyes either, and from what you’ve heard he’s a real sweetheart. Not a bad bone on his body. A perfect man, maybe, but not for you. Nobody really is for you unless it’s... well, you get it.
“Listen, atleast I tried, right?” He snickers, but you can tell it’s unenthusiastic.
“I’m sorry, Sungchan.”
“Should’ve listened to Jeno,” He whispers, one you can’t make out but you didn’t push. He then bids you goodbye, but before leaving, he asks you if you two could be friends.
“Of course, we can be friends, Sungchan.” You’re glad he offered to be one, at least you don’t turn him down in every possible way. There’s still something there.
He smiles at you again and now fully walks away. You also stood up and turned around, but when you do, you see Renjun, on the sidelines talking to Jeno and Yangyang.
Speak of the Angel.
You widen your eyes in great surprise, smiling ear to ear as you see him, hands folded in his chest. Seeing him instantly brightens your mood— even looking like the most intimidating person ever.
You silently run back, putting an extra hop in every step. You stop where Renjun is, and waved at him.
“Good morning,” you smile at him. You always give your best smile towards him, and not that you put an extra effort to, but he just brings it out of you. A magic pull, in some ways.
He takes a deep breath, “Morning,” he muttered, not even sparing you a glance before going back to whatever they were talking about.
You don’t know why, but you still stood there. You’re waiting for something, but you don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe, it’s just an excuse to look at him longer.
“What time is your lunch? Wanna grab lunch later?” You ask and you hear Jeno snorts on his side..
“I’m in the middle of a conversation, do you mind?” Renjun says, again with his usual cold tone towards you. In some twisted way, it made your chest flutter.
“You’re really cute,” you say, making both Jeno and Yangyang laugh. You don’t know what they find so funny. You’re just telling the truth. Renjun’s cute when he gets grumpy. Tho, sometimes you wish it’s not directly at you.
Renjun closes his eyes in frustration and grunts, you can tell there’s another strong statement that’s boiling in his mind. Before he could though, you heard Minnie’s voice from afar.
“Birdie! Practice back on!”
“Oh, gotta go. Bye Renjun!” You say in your most cheerful voice, throwing him a wink before running back to your squad.
You giggle as you run through the field. You got to talk to Renjun!
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Today, you’re opening auditions for the squad, to prepare for the upcoming cheerdance.
Pulling up your phone to track the time, 6:54am.
You carefully place the cupcake on the box, getting rid of your pink mittens and finally, a perfectly tied bow to finish it off.
A glimmer of a smile appears on your face as you admire the box.
Packing it safely, you made your way out of your apartment, looking at your wrist watch, 8:32am.
"Just on time." You whispered to yourself.
"Hi, y/n!" A junior student greeted you as you passed by, which you bowed back. "Hello!"
"Good morning, y/n." You waved back to another student.
Finally, reaching up to the fourth floor, you strutted yourself to the empty hallways until you reached the abandoned elementary library.
"Do Not Entry" It says on the door.
Knocking three times, finally, someone opened.
"Oh, hi, y/n-ie. I'm guessing this is for Renjun?" Jaemin, with his sweet smile, asked as his eyes fixed on the box you were holding.
"Hi, Jaemin. Yeah. Is he here yet?" You tried looking pass Jaemin,into the room, but to no avail, as he was literally blocking everything inside.
"No but I'll make sure he got this, alright?" Jaemin grabbed the lunchbox from you, not missing the opportunity to wink at you.
"Oh. I guess he's late. Okay, Jaemin. Thanks." Disappointed that you didn't get to see your Renjun, you turned around bitterly.
You decided to just get to your first class early. Only a few people was in the room, because its quite early for the class to start. You crossed your arms over the desk and rest your head.
You're sure Renjun's just running late. Biting your lip,
You pulled out your phone, texting Renjun.
[9:01am] to: renjun
hi goodmorning! i brought u a cupcakes today. are u running late? be safe! xoxo -y/n
You didn’t see him the entire day, and even though you tried to focus on other things, your day didn’t seem complete without seeing his face. But you didn’t let it ruin your day, of course. You’re sure tomorrow, you’ll get to see him again.
You hop your way back to your apartment, with your laptop bag on hand. It’s getting chilly, you notice. You thought about what you’ll eat for dinner when you exit the elevator.
You were about to take a step out, when you see someone in front of your apartment, hugging whom you assume is your roommate.
You can’t be mistaken. You’re sure it was Renjun. You can never mistake him for someone else.
Renjun’s hugging Julie, before smiling at her and letting her enter the apartment.
Your lips fall ajar, baffled at what you saw. Your clutch in your bag tightens, and you feel sick. Renjun and Julie? Since when?
You immediately step back into the elevator, pushing the button desperately, just to get it to close. You don’t know if you can look Renjun in the eyes, at least not right now.
When it slowly closes, you still stand there frozen. In a split second, in the tiny gap of the elevator, you see his face. And there, you see the shock on his eyes. But before anything else happens, the elevator closes.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
That night, you slept at Minnie’s apartment. You were lucky that her roommate’s nice enough to let you, although Minnie says that you don’t ever need any permission to sleep over at hers. You smiled at the thought that at least, you have Minnie.
It was rough, to say the least. You weren't a stranger to heartbreak, especially when it comes to Renjun. You’ve literally liked him for so long, and you’ve witnessed him with girls before. This one’s just special because it’s your roommate. It’s Julie, for christ sake.
She witnessed your Renjun shenanigans for months. She would even laugh at you for waking up early just to prepare food for Renjun. God, you sure looked stupid.
Despite Minnie’s disapproval, you still sent a text to Julie, informing her that you wouldn’t be going home tonight. You still apologize for making her wait, if she ever did wait for you. You never received a reply back, but she’s just probably asleep by now.
The next morning was tough. You don’t know if you should still bring snacks to Renjun, maybe you should respect his relationship with Julie. So you didn’t.
You went to the campus half asleep, Minnie offering to buy you a drink from the cafe. You seriously can’t thank her enough.
Sunghoon was the first one to greet you at the gymnasium.
“Hey, captain!” He waves, completely oblivious to your bad mood. However, you still waved back and gave him a smile.
“How many are auditioning?” You ask as you sit in one of the chairs that's laid out.
“Thirty? I don’t know, but I recall seeing your roommate on the list tho? You never told me that your roommate’s interested in Cheerleading?”
You froze. Julie’s auditioning? You might just pull your hair out. You really cannot catch a break, huh?
You scan the paper he held out, and much to your dismay, her name’s listed. Han Julie.
You mentally curse at yourself.
And in some effed’ up timing, you hear a couple of steps coming in the gymnasium. You assumed it was your other teammates, or one of the students that's auditioning, but you were dead wrong.
Sunghoon stood up, looking at your back since you’re seated facing back at the hall.
“Oh? Renjun, Haechan and Jaemin’s here.” He says in a casual tone, you, on the other hand, just wanted the floor to eat you alive. There’s no way this is happening to you right now.
“Can you deal with them for a bit? I have a headache,” You rub your temples to up your acting, Sunghoon obediently nodding and walking towards them.
But before you can even catch a breather, Sunghoon returns.
“They want to talk to the captain, Birdie,” He says carefully, afraid to piss you off. But you can never be pissed off, silly Sunghoon.
You smiled, and stood up. You start walking towards the three men who stands out like a sore thumb, with Haechan’s leather jacket and Jaemin’s baggy ripped jeans. Renjun, still looks like an angel, and in your eyes, he fits wherever he goes.
“Hey, hi. You guys need something?” You ask, in your usual tone. Avoiding looking at Renjun because you know you can’t help but to melt in his stare.
“Hi, birdie. Actually,” Jaemin smiled, grabbing Renjun’s shoulder and pushing him slightly towards you. “--Renjun here, just dragged us here. Apparently, he wants to talk to you!” He wiggles his brows excitedly.
“Oh?” You act surprised, now looking at Renjun because you literally have no choice.
“You want us to give you some space or—” Before Jaemin could even finish, Renjun interrupted him, grabbing at his friend’s forearms, to avoid him leaving.
“No, this’ll be quick,” His tone was cold, nothing new to you.
Haechan, on the other side of him, just looks bored. Honestly, he looks like he just woke up. But when he saw the other cheerleaders walk in, his body jolted. Typical.
“Listen, y/n.. uh,” Renjun clears his throat, “My friend.. Julie is auditioning. I just want to let you know that she’s really good at cheer and I want you to really consider letting her in the team.”
His friend? Oh, you want to throw up. He’s sick. He’s really… ah, he’s really done it now. You didn’t know Renjun could ever ruin your day, but wow.. He just did.
“Wait, what the fuck?” You hear Jaemin curse beside him, Haechan just letting out a laugh. You wanted to burst out in anger and bash his head in concrete, but that’s not very nice.
You decide that you can’t handle this kind of conversation at 9 in the freakin’ morning.
“Renjun, I would love to let her in the team, but she really needs to pass the auditions first. I’m not the only one who decides if a someone gets in. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t say anything, but let out a deep sigh. “Alright, I know she’ll pass the audition. Anyways, we’ll watch…”
You nod, not having the energy to keep up with him. You immediately turn your heels and you walk away. Yeah, this will be a long day.
Surprisingly, there’s a lot of people who showed up for the auditions. Apparently, some had an info that Haechan, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun are watching, (Jeno showing up half an hour after the other three arrived) and that’s when a wave of students came in.
You didn’t let your sour mood ruin your judgment, so you put on your big girl pants, and watched every audition in full professional mode. You don’t want to sabotage the team, by letting just about anyone join just because you’re not in the mood.
They were good, you have to point out some hopefuls that didn’t fit the criteria, in the nicest way you could. However, Minnie took her role as your ‘anger translator’ seriously.
“Are you sure you know what you were auditioning for?”
“Oh honey, you’re really good! You should really try to be a singer.”
Or sometimes, just cutting off the music mid-performance. Of course, you scolded her for that and let the girl continue, but there’s just no coming back from that.
“Babe, I’m sure you can work on your cartwheels a little bit better. If I’m still here by next year, just call me out and I’ll for sure get you in the team. But for now, you can practice, okay? You can even call me for guidance, okay?” You say softly at Sofia, after her performance. She just nods eagerly, but you can tell she was about to cry.
You really want to go up there and hug her, but you can’t because you’d have to do that with every single one you reject.
This is why you hate auditions.
You were still arranging the papers at your table, anticipating the next person when you heard Minnie curse.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
You whip your head up, seeing Julie walk up on the stage.
As soon as she stood in front, you knew she had knowledge in cheerleading. Her stance says it all.
She started the performance, and even if you want her to be bad, she isn’t. She’s really good, and it annoys you so much. God, why does she have to be good?
The routine she did wasn’t easy either, and she nailed it to the ground. Some of your team was actually impressed, and you can’t lie and say you weren’t. That back handspring was perfect, to say the least.
“You guys know that we judge not only with skills, but with personality and attitude as well, right?” Minnie just sounded eerily like a mean girl, saying it to your team but also loud enough for Julie to hear.
You silently nudged her, earning a whine from Minnie but you looked at Julie instead, giving her a smile.
You don’t know what to say, to be honest. Your cheerleading captain side of you, says that this girl is perfect for the team. But the y/n part of you wants nothing to do with her.
You roam your eyes across the bleachers and like a magnet, your eyes swiftly went to him. Surprisingly, he’s also looking at you. Or at your direction, at least.
His elbows are in his knees, his entire upper body leaning his height on his elbows. He looks to be anticipating your answer, because at the end of the day, what you say goes.
You took one final breath before tapping your pen. You look up at Julie, and finally, giving her a wide smile.
“Welcome to the team.”
A mix of cheers, clapping and a curse from Minnie fills your ears. You look up, back at Renjun, seeing him smiling and clapping his hands as well. You look down, ignoring the ache you’ve got going on in your chest.
You hope you won’t regret this decision. You really hope so.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“That’s fucked up, you know. That’s really fucked up,” Jaemin won’t stop bitching up until they got home to their apartment, and Renjun just wants him to stop.
In his head, there’s nothing wrong with what he did. He tried to help a friend, to get a spot she fully deserved. He just did a favor, but it seems to Jaemin that it means he’s a horrible person.
“She passed the audition, Jaem. I didn’t do anything,” Renjun says, stirring his iced americano in hand.
“Yeah but d’you really need to talk to Birdie about it? Like dude, everybody in this world knows that she’s head over heels for you. Then you get in her face talking trying to get some other chic on her team? That’s messed up!”
“She’s the captain of the cheerleading squad! Who else am I supposed to talk to?” Renjun can’t see where he ‘messed up’.
Sure, he did have a hint that you were affected with his whole situation about Julie, especially when he saw you at the elevator that night. You looked genuinely hurt, but there’s nothing he could do about it.
He told you many times that he wasn’t interested. He doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t just stop seeing other people because of you.
“Man, I say she deserves it.” Haechan joins in the conversation, taking a sip from Renjun’s drink.
Jaemin gives him a disgusted look, “You’re such a hater, Lee Haechan.”
“She deserved to be treated the way Renjun does, especially when she did those things before, right, Renjunnie?” Haechan scoots up into Renjun’s side, leaning his head onto the boy’s shoulder.
“Come on, that was years ago! You can see she clearly regrets it by now,” Jaemin continued to be at your defense, confusing Renjun as to why because he has never seen you two around each other. Jaemin doesn’t know you like he knows you.
“Do you wanna be with her, Jaem?” Jeno joins in and smirks at Jaemin.
“No! Of course not! I won’t do Renjunnie like that!” Jaemin quickly on the defensive state.
“I’m literally right here?” He states, reminding his friends of his presence because they seem to talk about him like he wasn’t in the room.
“What I’m saying is, can’t you just put all those things behind you now? I just feel bad for the girl,”
In Renjun’s head, Jaemin makes a lot of sense. And yeah, Renjun really did tried to forget all of the things that happened in the past.
He tried to leave it all behind and just completely start fresh. Because really, he’s got way better life now. He basically could have the world now if he wanted to.
Wouldn’t it be better if he left all his baggage behind?
Unfortunately, all those are all easier said than done. Considering that everytime he looks at you, he’s just reminded of the fact that you made his life miserable for your own gain.
He relates your smiles to all the tears he had way back when he needed you the most.
For everyone else, you were an angel in disguise. To him, you were the devil he once loved.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
A few years back
Ever since you were ten, you’ve dreamed of being a cheerleader.
The entire saga of Bring It On was your lifeline as a kid, and every part of that movie is engraved in your mind. Every dialogue, every routine and every single pose in that movie is burned in your brain.
Ever since then, you knew you’d be a cheerleader.
Whatever it takes.
It was summer, you remember it vividly, sophomore year when you met Renjun.
Your first meeting didn’t go well, though. You still laugh when you think about it.
It was the first day Renjun moved to your school. The teachers announced a Chinese boy joining the class, and you were excited.
Then here goes a pale and soft looking boy walking into class, with a pair of glasses and a bag that looks heavier than him. You were dumb, of course, assuming that Renjun would only speak strictly Chinese.
So you pulled your phone out, and tried searching Chinese words to impress the boy.
You finally chose one and practiced it over and over, and when you decided you were comfortable enough, you approached him.
“See-sow-jian zai na-lee?”
You tried your best to not sound like an asshole, but you really wanted to strike a conversation with him. He looks at you oddly, blinks a couple of times before he breaks into laughter.
“You’re asking me… where’s the bathroom?”
You were shocked to hear him speak your language fluently. You furrow your brows before smiling at him, as he keeps on laughing. You found it somewhat cute.
And ever since then, you became friends with Renjun.
He was timid, shy and overall an introvert but you liked that about him. You like that he’s not some cringy highschool boy trying to impress you or other girls. He’s just unapologetically him.
“Wait, what homework!?” You panicked as you try to backtrack your classes from yesterday, remembering if you did in fact had homework that you missed out on.
“Geometry, stupid. Here, copy some of mine,” Renjun pulls his notes out, allowing you to completely copy off of him.
You thanked him furiously as you tried to tweak some of the details off his homework, but ended up copying it as it is. Renjun didn’t complain, he finds you cute when you cram.
The class ended and both of you got a perfect score on your homework, and you got Renjun to thank for that.
So the following morning, you begged your mother for a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, and packed it carefully with a ribbon on top. This was the only thing you could think of giving him, as a thank you.
“D’you like choco-chip cookie?” You ask, as if you’re just asking a random question. You see him furrowing his brows at your sudden question, but smiles otherwise.
“Yes. I love home baked ones,” He answers, still smiling at you.
You take that chance to grab the pink container on your bag and give it to him. “Mom baked those,”
He was speechless at first, looking at the cookies, before looking back at you with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen. “Wow. Thank you, y/n. This is like… the first time I’ve received a gift like this.”
“Well, buckle up dude. There will be a lot coming from now on.”
You and Renjun became inseparable after that day. Having Renjun by your side swiftly became a norm for you, to a point you’re comfortable in saying that Renjun’s your person. It kind of feels that he was always meant to be with you, and you’re meant to be with him.
You never really found the need to find more friends than him, he just filled that need himself.
The first bump in your friendship happened three months after that day.
Renjun quickly became the talk of the school, and the longer he settled in, students started to notice just how good looking he actually is. He barely wears his glasses now, and he styled his hair differently. But Renjun never seems to realize the attention he was getting from it.
You never thought it would affect the friendship you had, when you yourself have been making efforts to make friends other than him. However, your sole reason was to just be familiar with the school, because you’re planning to audition for cheerleading this semester. Renjun was still at the top of your priority, you still think of him as your best friend.
You were waiting at the library for him, this has been your daily routine since you’ve been friends. At first, you thought you were just early, or maybe there has been a change with his schedule so you just thought he’d be late.
But the library alerting you that they’ll close in five minutes snaps you from that thought.
You got hurt, yes, but not too much where you had to ask him to apologize. Naturally, you just gave him the benefit of a doubt and think that he just maybe forgot. He did apologize the morning after, and you just kind of forgave him after that.
However, when it happened for the second time, that’s when you question if he really just forgot or he just never really wanted to hang out with you anymore.
It sucks, sure, and you wish you didn’t attach yourself to him as much as you did, but you were never a confrontational person so again, you just let it happen. This time, you don’t make an effort in hanging out with him, and actually try to avoid him.
On the evil part of your brain, you thought that maybe, you were just a stepping stone for him to climb up the status quo, and now that he was popular, he doesn’t find any real use to be your friend anymore.
You hate to think about that, because the guilt of even thinking bad about someone as nice as Renjun eats you up inside.
You focused on your own, starting to work on your goals solely and completely stopped hanging out with him. It seems like he has found a new friend circle, and you assumed that’s just how it ends.
You sat by yourself in the cafeteria, planning to just ditch lunch for today. You look like a complete loser, and you don’t want to spend more time wallowing in your sorrows alone. Before you could stand up and leave, you saw Renjun walking in, with his friends.
He was drastically different than the first time you saw him, and it feels like he’s not the same person. But when he laughs at something his friend says, his smile stays the same, reminding you that he’s still somewhat your Renjun.
You sigh and look away, and on your second attempt at leaving the area, somebody sat across from you.
“Y/n?” He asks, with his brows lifted as if genuinely curious.
“Yeah?” You kind of recognize him, but nothing really pops up in your head.
“Hi, I’m Kim Sunwoo. I’m part of the Cheerleading squad and our captain told me to speak to you.”
You froze on the spot. That’s where you remember him from!
You’ve been watching the cheerleaders at the sidelines recently, in hopes to get hints and further knowledge about the team. You were fascinated, of course, because you feel like you’ve always belonged in that team.
You loved watching them, it’s almost like you’re almost living the life you’ve dreamed of. It feels like you’re on your own Bring It On movie.
Especially when you watch Uchinaga Eri, more known as Giselle, the flyer and the cheer captain.
She’s really great at what she does, and it motivates you to work even more harder to finally be on the same team as her.
“Y/N, right?” Giselle is now standing in front of you, looking at you like she was judging your form. You felt nervous, of course.
“Y-yeah.”
“You sent that audition tape?” She asks again, now looking at you from head to toe.
“Yes,” You say, although nervous, you managed to stand still. She reminds you of a mean girl, but that’s not always a bad thing. She just reeks of confidence, and you aspire to be that someday.
She smirks, looking back at her co-cheerleaders, and walked backwards, giving you space.
“Okay, then, y/n—” She clears her throat.
“—Front handspring, step out, back handspring, round off back handspring, step out, full twisting layout.”
Your eyes widen at her order, heart stumping off your chest. You’re wearing denim jeans! What the hell were you thinking!
You take a deep breath, before pulling your bag over your shoulder.
This is the moment that could potentially write your future, y/n.
You shake your hands, letting your body loose before walking back to gain your momentum. That routine is a lot, and you’re gonna need a lot of space.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. You’ve practiced this before. You’re just gonna have to put them all together! It’s easy!
Deep breaths.
Okay.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
You walk out of the stadium overjoyed, gripping the plastic that was given to you— containing your own cheer uniform. You let yourself shriek quietly in excitement.
You made it to the team. Torrence Shipman would be proud.
Over your small celebration by yourself, you hear somebody call for your name.
“Y/n.”
You whip your head over to where it came from, standing there with a bouquet of tulips in his hand, is a face you’ve missed dearly.
“Renjun,” you softly say, not registering that he’s now walking up to you.
He hands you the flowers, and you accept them despite your state of confusion as to why he’s approaching you now. Yellow tulips.
“Do— uhm, do you need something?” You feel that darn butterflies fluttering in your stomach again, as he stands before you.
“No, no. Uhm, I don’t— ah, shit. Okay,” He inhales, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I haven’t hung out with you recently and If you ever felt that I abandoned you, I’m sorry. I was just really scared—“
“I got in,” you say to him, smiling ear to ear.
“—because I was a cow– what?”
“I got in the cheerleading team!” You yell excitedly, opening your arms to hug him tight. You didn’t care, you’re just so happy right now. What made it better is him, being here.
It takes him a full second to hug you back, burying his face on your neck. “I’m so proud of you.”
And with that, you felt like you won twice today.
You got a spot on the squad, and you got your Renjun back.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Today
It has been a few weeks after the auditions, and it’s safe to say that you’re not feeling well.
Back-to-back exams, training the new members of the squad and working on side projects for school credit has been killing you these days.
Being a Cheer captain is a heavy weight to carry. You need to succeed in both cheerleading and academics, and the responsibilities sometimes get overwhelming. You never once complained tho, because you wanted this. You needed this.
Cheer is the only thing that made your life make sense. And well.. Renjun too, of course. So there will be times like this. But you’ll endure it, as you should.
Not to mention the emotional torture of having to see Renjun and Julie all the time, thanks to Julie inviting him over everytime she’s got a chance.
Just like tonight. You were exhausted from all the school activities and you just want the comfort of your bed. So when you finally enter your apartment, to your dismay, you see Haechan, Jaemin, Renjun and Julie snuggled up in the couch of your apartment, watching some movie you didn’t care to look.
Your body is sore, and so is your brain. If you have a choice, you’d take a vacation to anywhere else than your apartment right now.
And although you already accepted the fact that Renjun and Julie has got something going on between them, it’s still a stab in your chest everytime you see them together.
“Hey, uh, Birdie, I invited them over for a movie night.. I just thought you’d be over at Minnie’s. I’m sure you don’t mind, right?”
You smile at them. “Oh, no. Enjoy your movie. I’m a bit tired so.. I’ll just head in.” You say, not exactly welcoming as you want to be, but you just can’t be energetic as you usually are tonight.
You see Jaemin waving at you, Haechan not acknowledging your presence as always, and Renjun sparing you half a second glance before focusing back on the movie.
You head straight to the kitchen, hoping to see anything that could fill your stomach. You just need to eat and then pass out for the night. You can’t find time to mend your broken heart, when your entire body feels like convulsing the next minute.
“It’s been two weeks since the last brownie. Finally got tired, huh?”
You look back at whoever’s speaking, and to your unpleasant surprise, it’s just Haechan walking over the kitchen.
“I just got busy, Haechan.” You say, managing to smile at him.
“You and your damn cheerful attitude. Still gonna pretend like you’re the perfect little birdie?” Even tho his voice was quiet, his tone still pierced through you.
“I’m not quite sure how I should respond to that,”
“Of course you don’t. You’re always nice. Whoever that bitch that fucked my friend over years ago is long gone, right?” His smirk splattered all over his face makes your eye twitch.
God, you know hate is a strong word to describe an emotion. You’re not one to hate on anybody. But you give yourself a pass, because you just maybe hate Lee Haechan right now.
“Haechan, please. I just want to rest.” You say, closing your eyes frustratedly.
“Sure. And just so you know, he’s very happy with Julie right now. She treats him better than you— fuck it, she cheers better than you too.”
He just had to hit you where it hurts the most, doesn’t he?
You wanted to curse at him, real bad. You wanted to yell, scream at him for pete’s sake. Your chest is heaving with animosity, to the point where you want to cry. But you kept your composure, at least until you weren’t in the safety of your own room.
“I understand Renjun is your friend, and you want to protect him. And I also do understand that you don’t know everything that went down between me and him so I’ll just try and ignore everything you say to me. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to bed.”
You left Haechan in the kitchen, the growling of your stomach long forgotten. You don’t think you could still have an appetite after that.
The hunger you feel was overpowered by the tears you want to let out.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
You’re awoken by pounding in your head, nose stuffed and difficulty breathing. You were convulsing. You had a hunch that you’re having a fever before you even went to bed— but chose to ignore it and just sleep on it.
Which you know to be a bad decision now that you’re drowning in your own sweat and tears.
You needed something. Advil— whatever the fuck is available to you. You need to get up.
Dragging your feet and standing up from your bed, you immediately feel like you’re going to faint. This might be the worst fever you’ve gotten so far.
You get your phone to call Minnie, she’s only in the next building. You see that it’s not even 3 hours when you went to bed. There’s clattering sounds outside your room and you’re sure they’re still out there.
Minnie didn’t pick up, meaning you’d have to fend for yourself.
You close your eyes in frustration, even your eyelids burns.
Shit, you have practice tomorrow.
You grab your oversized hoodie and ultimately decided to just go out in the kitchen, and find the medicine kit. There’s one out there, you knew it for sure because you were the one who put it there.
You really don’t want to look like a sick girl out there, so you just buried yourself with the hoodie.
You make your way to the kitchen, and to some poop luck, they’re all there in the counter enjoying two pizza boxes. You practically salivate over the sight, but there’s no way you’d ask for some.
They all turn their heads at you, each having an expression you can’t read.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jaemin’s the only one who sounded concerned. You shake your head and smiled at him.
“I’m good. Just—” cough. “–need to get something.”
You see Renjun looking over at you with his brows furrowed, following your figure as you move around the counter. The medicine cabinet is exactly where he was standing, so you just muttered a weak ‘excuse me’.
“You don’t look good.” He says as soon as you stand next to him. You didn’t respond, but you just rummaged through the cabinet just to find anything.
You were stunned when you felt his hands over at yours, looking up at him with your confused eyes.
“You’re fucking burning up, y/n.”
He pulls your hood down, and then proceeds to put the backside of his hand on your forehead, checking your temperature. You were baffled, at his sudden concern but you don’t dwell on it, you physically think of anything but the raging headache you’re suffering from.
You gently swat his hands away, “I’m really okay… I just– Julie, where’s the Tylenol?”
She looks at you, as if you were interrupting something. “Don’t you keep them in your room? You didn’t have to come out,”
You shake your head and you almost respond, before Renjun cuts you off.
“You should lay down, I’ll call someone,” He says strictly.
“What? Dude, she says she’s fine. She’ll live!” Haechan interjects, but Jaemin hits him on his shoulder.
“She’s literally dying, Haechan. Are you fucking blind?” Jaemin.
Haechan rolls his eyes, whispering something about ‘attention’ and Julie looking at him with a smirk.
You didn’t have the energy to be offended or anything, and you’re almost sure the world’s spinning.
Before you know it, you heard Renjun curse and that’s when your vision turns absolutely pitch black.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Probably just over fatigue, just a little bit of rest and she should be okay.”
Renjun rubs his temple as he sighed a thank you to Nurse Suh through the phone.
“I told you, she’s just really over dramatic sometimes,” Julie says, in a comforting way, massaging Renjun’s shoulder. He was sitting in a single chair beside the couch, where you were laying on.
He bit his lip, looking over at your figure sleeping soundly. He doesn’t even know why he’s still here, Jaemin and Haechan already left half an hour ago.
“Why’re you even so worried, Renjunnie?” Julie chuckles.
“She literally fainted in front of us. Why aren’t you worried? You’re her roommate,”
Julie looks to the side, straightening up. “Yeah, but we were never close,” Renjun frowned at her response, but still shrugged it off.
Honestly speaking, Renjun really did kind of snapped the moment you fainted. He was scared to death, he knew you weren’t feeling good the moment you entered the kitchen. And when you passed out, he felt the air snatched from his lungs.
He panicked, he admits. And he hates it so much, the way he acted. He wasn’t supposed to care. But what can he do when you literally faint in front of him? Every decent human being would do what he did.
Except maybe the part where he woke up a school nurse in the middle of the night in panic and sat beside you for three hours trying to monitor your temperature waiting for you to wake up.
When your temperature finally seemed to had gone down, that’s when he decided to go home. And on the walk back to his car, he silently drove back to his apartment, simmering on his own thoughts, disappointed in himself.
“I hate her so much.” He says to himself, more so convincing himself. Even his body seemed to detect his lies, every word burns in his tongue.
Among the texts you sent him, he finally texts you first.
[12:37 am] renjun: take a break.
Why can’t he just.. let you be? Why do you affect him this much? Still, after all this time?
He blames you. He blames your consistency. He blames your overconfidence, every time you look at him. He blames you for smiling at him every chance you get. He blames those stupid fucking cookies you give him everyday. He blames your entire personality, making him melt in a puddle every single time. And more importantly, he blames you for acting like you’ve never done anything wrong.
You make him feel like everything that happened in the past was a mere imagination. Like the pain he felt was a pigment of his own mind. Because no normal person would act the way you do if they’re aware of the damage they did to another person.
However, what kills him the most is the way he still wants to hold your stupid hand and kiss you in your stupid lips. He would never admit it, even to the devil himself, that after all that’s said and done, he’d still adore you with your hands around his neck.
“I told her to take a fucking break. What in the hell is she doing?!” He muttered to himself when he saw you doing stretches on the matted floor of the gymnasium. He had gone down there in disguise of visiting Julie, but in reality, he just wanted to check if your stubborn self didn’t listen to him.
“Chill out.” He hears Haechan on his side. Haechan tagged along with him, as always, under the excuse of wanting to see Jeno practice. Who’s he kidding? He’s here to check out the cheerleaders.
Jaemin was on his side too, having no classes to attend and not much better to do, he just went along.
“You’re so sweet, that’s for me?” Julie’s high pitched voice slashed through his ears, and that’s the only reason he even saw her in the first place. He caught himself staring at you and he immediately brought all his attention to Julie.
“Uh, yeah.” He lied, giving Julie the gatorade that was supposed to be for you, but he felt stupid giving it out to you. It’s embarrassing.
He watched at the sidelines, along with his two friends. His eyes were laser focused on you, and when you suddenly slipped during one of your stunts, his whole body flinched like a reflex.
“At least try to not be so obvious, Injunnie.” Jaemin laughed beside him.
“Shut up, dude. I just had a few extra cups of coffee today.” Even he, himself, cringed at his stupid excuse.
“I thought we hate her, dude? Come on, stand the fuck up! She’s playing you dude. I hate girls like that, acting all perfect and cheery when she literally fucked you over before.” Haechan complained, following it with a huff on his side.
“I still don’t like her, at all, okay? I’m here for Julie, and no one else.”
“Sure, Injunnie.” Jaemin folds his arms on his chest, a playful smirk playing on his lips.
“Say it with me, Injun. We hate Birdie!” Haechan says with two clenched fists moving simultaneously up and down.
“You know what, Haechan, with the way you’re bitching all the time, why don’t you wear the cheer uniform and pompoms?” Jaemin snickers, earning a hit from Haechan.
“Fuck you,” Haechan spits.
“Sorry, honey, but I don’t swing that way. And even if I do, you wouldn’t even reach the list.” Jaemin and Haechan continued to bicker, with Renjun in between.
He’s still deep in his own thoughts, remembering that he shouldn’t even look at you right now. He has Julie, and that’s what he should be focusing on. Not you.
But when he invited Julie back to his place, and he found your lingering eyes amidst the crowd, with a hint of pain splattered on your pretty face, he almost wanted to push Julie off of him and run to you.
And at that moment, he curses at himself.
He cares.
He still cares.
He will always care.
And that’s his fucking problem.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“The game’s in two weeks, and you all should’ve nailed the routine by now. What is going on here?”
Coach Evie goes on rampage with the squad, most of the blame pointed at you.
“Y/n, I will only say this once. You’ve been chosen as the captain of this squad for a reason. Don’t make me doubt you.”
This was the first time you felt upset. Not because of the rage that was poured onto you, but because you knew Coach Evie was right. You have not been giving your all these past few days.
There’s something wrong with you. Emotionally and physically.
Ever since the incident that happened last practice, you find it hard to do all the routines because of your left knee. You didn’t want to think about it, hoping it would just go away.
It never did.
Emotionally, you felt horrible as well. Renjun was still with Julie, and from what you can see, they look like they’ll be together for a while. It hurts, yes, but there’s not much you can do about it. It’s never your forte to force yourself onto a man that’s spoken for.
So you decided to take a break. Maybe a few days without practice will do you and the squad good. You focused on your studies, your classes and other stuff.
That’s why you found yourself in the middle of a random basketball player’s party Thursday night. You came with Minnie, and in typical Minnie fashion, she disappeared with a random stranger within twenty minutes into the party.
This wasn’t what’s on your mind at all when you say that you needed a break. But Minnie was persistent, saying everybody has been waiting for you to finally show up with one of these parties. Because again, this wasn’t your scene at all.
She basically guilt tripped you into attending.
“Oh, no, I don’t like alcohol.” You politely refused, for the nth time this night. Even though some were absolutely drunk and stubborn to accept rejection, you still politely responded to every single one of them.
“Shit, Birdie’s here!” You hear someone yell, and it turns out it was Sungchan, standing tall on the other side of the room pointing at where you were.
A small commotion breaks out, some even gasps at seeing you. You didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal, you didn’t know these people at all.
After Sungchan’s announcement of your attendance, people started swarming you. You didn’t want to say it because it sounds so cringe in your head, but you were as if a celebrity attended a random student’s party. It was odd.
“Hi Bird,” You flinched a bit when somebody suddenly pressed on your side, a strong smell of weed filling up your nostrils.
“Uh, hello.” You smile a little, taking a step away from the stranger. He smirks at you, biting his lip as he looks you up and down.
You press your cup of orange juice in your mouth as you look back at him.
“Fancy seeing you here,”
You furrow your eyes trying to remember him. You don’t want to be rude and disrespectful so you did try your best but you just can’t remember.
“I’m Eric, y’know.. basketball team?” He says to spark familiarity in your head and it sure did. That’s where you knew him from!
“Yeah! Yeah that’s right!” You sounded so proud of remembering him now that you‘re sure you looked stupid.
He laughs– a bit too much actually before stepping again in your space. You didn’t know what to do, because you don’t want to confront him causing unnecessary drama. There’s too many people in here and the last thing you want to do is to bring attention to yourself.
You silently prayed that Minnie finishes up quickly. You don’t know how to handle this kind of stuff.
“Wanna go somewhere quiet? Some privacy—”
“Really, dude?”
You prayed up above, but the devil spawned from down below. It was Haechan who showed up.
Eric rolled his eyes and looked at Haechan, muttering ‘whatever’ before leaving.
You finally take a breather, and close your eyes in relief. Even tho you think Haechan is a pain in your butt, his interference just saved you. You have to be grateful with that.
“Thanks.” You say sincerely.
“I didn’t do anything. What, you got tired of chasing Renjun’s tail and now you’re trying other options?” And there he goes again. As soon as you give him the benefit of a doubt, he goes right back in with his horrible remarks.
“I’m tired of this,” You say, wearing down your guard and putting your drink down on the counter.
“Finally! What a fucking relief. We also got tired of your pathetic ass running around my friend—“
“What did Renjun tell you to hate me like this, Haechan?”
He falls silent. Suddenly not knowing what to say, completely perplexed at your sudden change of tone.
“You don’t know what happened, Haechan. And all this time I’m trying to understand all your hatred towards me because I know you’ve been told one side of the story. And I know I was in the wrong—”
“Y/n.”
Your words hang in the air, swiftly looking over your shoulder seeing Renjun standing with his arms crossed along his chest, leaning his body on the counter.
Cheeks flushed, eyes droopy. He’s intoxicated.
“Renjun,” you whisper upon looking at him.
“Haechan, please leave.” Renjun slurred a bit in his words, but strict enough for Haechan to take it seriously.
“But she—“
“Leave.”
Haechan huffs, giving you one last glare before walking away.
You wipe away any tear that might’ve escaped your eyes, before gaining back your composure. You stand there before Renjun, not knowing what to say next. Should you leave? Should you stay?
“Your oven broke or something?”
His question caught you off guard. That’s definitely not what you’re expecting him to say. You’re confused, really, really confused.
“What?” You say almost breathless.
He smirks, letting his head fall backwards, eyes closed as he whispers something to himself, one you can’t quite understand.
“It’s been weeks, no cookies, no brownies or any bullshit you used to give me. What, you give up now, Birdie?”
The way your nickname falls off his lips so smoothly makes your heart thump in excitement. This is the first time he acknowledged you by the way everybody calls you. It sparked a light in your chest that maybe, just maybe, this is a step.
“N-no, I-I’m just.. respecting your relationship with my roommate.” You don’t even know why you had to mention it. You could’ve just lied and told him you were busy, but the atmosphere of being in a party fed your courage to be reckless.
“Relation— bullshit. Me and Julie aren’t together, at least yet.”
There he goes. He brings you up just to tear you down. It’s an endless roller coaster with him, but he would always be a ride you won’t ever regret.
“I thought you don’t like them,”
“I don’t. I like the fact that you’re trying so hard.”
“I don’t understand Renjun. What are you— do you want me to keep running after you?” You state, extremely nervous about what he’d say next. Every breath you take was calculated, every second mattered.
You don’t even know why you’re having this conversation with him when he’s clearly drunk. However, there could be no other opportunity for him to give you attention other than this.
“I don’t want you to do anything. I don’t want you, period. It’s just… why the fuck do you give up on me so easily?” His disencourage tone was evident, a slight hoarse in his throat made it obvious. He’s drunk. He doesn’t mean it.
“You’re with Jul—“
“I’m not— fuck!” He sounds like he’s running out of patience, gripping the edge of the counter as if to hold himself back.
“I’m asking you one more time, Renjun. Do you want me to keep trying? Do you want me to keep chasing you?”
This time, he looks at you with an intense gaze, saying the words that won’t come out of his lips, with a hint of resentment and despair. You know him too well.
You bite your lip as you try to hold back the tears threatening to escape again. “Because I will, Renjun. Just tell me the words.”
If anyone could hear you right now, they’d be horrified at how desperate you sound. You, the cheerleading captain, down so bad for a man to the point of begging to let you chase him desperately. You’re so ridiculous that it’s not even funny anymore.
Not that you would care. When it comes to Renjun, you’d do worse.
“Go home.” He spat, turning around just before your eyes started letting go of the tears you’ve been dangerously holding on to.
A dagger through the heart, but you are to blame. You're willing the blade through your own heart.
And you won’t have it any other way.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Ever since that party, you’ve discovered new courage— much like before.
You went back to baking sweets for Renjun, approaching him any chance you get, and smiling at him at all times. It’s like you were motivated to do things for him again.
Despite the glares Julie consistently gives you, you can’t find it in you to care. Renjun said it himself, they’re not together yet. He was practically saying you’re welcome to do anything you’d like.
Well maybe you assumed that but tomato, tomáto.
“Oh, hi Birdie. Long time no see, huh?” Jaemin’s smile was the first to greet you as you knocked in their hangout place.
“Hi, Jaemin. Renjun there?”
“No, but I’d gladly take that cookie off your hands and give it to him.” He nicely takes the box from you.
“Tell him good morning too.”
Jaemin chuckles and scratches his brow, “Sure thing, sugar.”
You don’t know what he finds funny, because you were serious. But oh well.
You happily walked back to your department, ready to take on one of your classes. A few waves to some students who greets you, stopping for some who attempt a conversation with you.
You remember what Minnie said, you’re always late because you don’t like ignoring people or saying no to a conversation, it doesn't matter who it is.
But you just really don’t like coming across rude. It feels wrong.
You were almost at your class when you stumbled upon Renjun walking in the hallway with his earphones on.
Smiling to yourself, you skip over to his side. All it takes was a soft tap on his shoulder before he takes off his earphones and turns around to look at whoever grabbed his attention.
“Hi, Renjun.” With the sweetest smile you have to offer.
“You need something?” You felt really giddy hearing his usual cold tone, his voice making you flutter.
“I brought you cookies up at your hangout place but you weren’t there. Jaeminnie took it so you can just get it from him. And oh, good morning!”
For a quick second, you see irritation across his eyes. Creasing his brows down at you.
“Since when is he ‘Jaeminnie’?”
Your smile faded, hinting something new at his demeanor. This is new. His tone was something different and the way he looks at you seemed far from what you’re used to.
Is he… no way.
“Since he..” You shook your head, “Nevermind. It’s freshly baked too so it would be good if you eat it as soon as possible. I don’t want you skipping breakfast or any meals—”
“Junnie.”
You snap your head back, only seeing Julie approaching you two. You almost scowl at her presence but you decide it’s not very nice to do. So you just kept the smile you had before and waved at Julie.
“I thought we’ll meet at the cafe?” Renjun asks, the change in the way he talks was prominent.
“I figured we should walk together..” The glance Julie gave you was short lived, obviously trying to question why you’re still here.
And to be honest, you don’t know too. You look pretty stupid standing in a conversation you don’t belong in.
You were about to walk away, when your name got called.
“Y/n!” You turn to see Sungchan, waving at you with a wide smile spread across his face.
“Hey, Sungchan.” You wave back.
He looks at the three of you, but ultimately keeps his focus on you. He seemed to read the room, and when you thought he’d sweep you away, he stood tall.
“Hey, Renjun, Julie. Uh,” he turns to you, “Mr. Hong canceled the class.”
“Oh really? Okay.” You nod, thinking where you should go. You turn to Renjun who’s looking at Sungchan, visibly irritated by the boy’s sudden appearance.
“We should go, Injunnie. The cafe could be crowded by the time we get there.” Julie clings onto his side, tugging him slightly.
“Dream cafe? I heard they’re giving out free croissants! Y/n, we should go with them!” Sungchan, way too enthusiastic as he put his arms around you. You flinch a bit, thinking about Renjun seeing it.
But when you see him and Julie, you opted to just let it be.
“I don’t—“
“Let’s go!” Sungchan pulls you with him, and you hesitantly walk with him. Renjun lets out a scoff, looking to the side before following.
“What are you doing?!” You whisper at Sungchan.
“I’m helping you, silly.” He answers quietly, and you wanted to ask for an explanation on how this is helping you, but you were greeted by a student walking by.
“What’s your order?” A lovely barista greeted Julie.
“Spanish Latte for me, Injunnie?” Iced Jasmine Tea. You silently whisper to yourself.
“Iced Jasmine Tea.” You smirk to your triumph. Little wins matter!
“Psh, simp.” You heard Sungchan on your side, you immediately elbowed him on his side. How the heck did he hear you?
“Shut up.” You growl at him, but quickly smile as you look ahead.
“How about our pastries?” You look to the side and there’s deliciously looking treats displayed. You would order one yourself, but you’d already eaten your own baked cookies.
“Cheesecake for me and.. you, Injunnie?” You note the additional pitch Julie adds in her voice whenever she talks to Renjun. She sounds cute.
“No thanks. I have cookies back at my place.”
You hitch your breath. Is he.. Is he talking about your cookies? The one you baked for him? Widening your eyes, you look at him in disbelief. Did he just acknowledge your cookies? Oh my god!
“Hi Birdie!” Your trance was cut-off by the barista’s enthusiastic approach, even waving excitedly at you.
“Jesus christ, Even outside the campus people know you?!” Sungchan asks in astonishment.
“Of course! I love her, she’s like one of the reasons I’m trying out cheerleading next year. That routine you did last summer was so perfect!” The barista gushed on and on, making your cheeks red.
“I’ll have Iced Americano and she’ll have..” Sungchan looked back at you.
“Caramel Macchiato, please.” You say sweetly, and the barista happily put your order in. You were about to pay cash, but before you could even bring out your wallet, a ping on the cashier.
You look back and see Sungchan smiling like an idiot after tapping his phone.
“I got that.” You complain.
“I got it first tho.” Sungchan smirked. You open your mouth to retort back, however, Renjun starts walking away— probably to one of the tables. You quickly follow pursuit.
“Hmm, so big game next week, huh?” Julie was the first to initiate the conversation.
“Oh, yeah. Uh, heard you guys are performing at the game?” Sungchan looked at you.
“Ye–”
“Of course. We’re already almost finished with the routine. Just kind of sucks that we had to take a break for no reason.” Julie says in the most oblivious way, as if she just said something casual.
You blink thrice, processing her words. Didn’t you need to take a break because she didn’t do her job causing you to have knee problems?
“I’m sorry about that,I just really needed to let my knee relax. But I'm alright now.” You still smiled and took a sip off your coffee.
“You hurt your knee?” Renjun’s sudden concern made the three of you look at him, but he didn’t even flinch. He’s still waiting for your response.
“Yeah uh, it’s just the usual… not that big of a deal.” You say, words stumbling upon your throat. You’re not used to him being like this.
“Didn’t I tell you to take a break?”
“I did…that’s why the practice got held back afew. But I’m fine now!” Your tone was cheerful, hopefully to convince him that you’re really doing okay now. You don’t know where this sudden concern about your well being came from but you’re not complaining either.
However, If looks could kill, Julie might’ve committed murder by now.
“She’s doing fine now… she’s Birdie, after all.” The sarcasm laced in her words are strong.
The tension was too much to handle, so you excused yourself.
As soon as you were in the bathroom, you let out a deep breath. You really don’t know how to handle confrontation. When someone’s being obviously rude towards you, you just fold.
There’s something really wrong with you. You can’t seem to be comfortable with defending yourself, or just straight up calling out people for their rude behavior. You’d rather just sit there and take it. You can’t even curse, for christ sake!
“Y/n.” You look at the mirror, only to see Julie entering the bathroom as well.
She looks upset. Like really, really upset.
“Hey Jul—”
“You know that me and Renjun are a thing, right?” You stop whatever you’re doing, and turn around to really face her. Did she have to lie straight to your face?
“According to him though, there’s nothing going on between you two.”
“Come on, you’re supposed to be smart. There’s clearly something there.” She rolls her eyes.
“And unless you and him say it verbatim, there’s nothing wrong here.” You shrug your shoulders.
“Are you hearing yourself? You sound ridiculous. What’s not clicking, y/n? Renjun hates you. He finds you annoying. He probably thinks you’re a desperate bi—”
“Julie, get the fuck out of my face. I’m not gonna say it twice,”
She let out a small gasp. You were shocked as well. You can’t believe that just came out of your mouth. You inhale and close your eyes, exhaling when you look at her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. But if you could just… just leave, please.”
“You’re gonna regret this, Birdie.” You can see that she meant the threat, and you can’t help but to feel anxious. You were about to question it but she walked out before you could do so.
When you go back to the table, Renjun and Julie are long gone. Apparently, Julie went on about feeling sick, and Renjun had to go with her.
“I really don’t get it, y/n. You really like that man? He’s clearly interested in Julie. And not to mention, he treats you like shit.” Sungchan was perplexed, to say the least.
You just gave him an apologetic smile and continued sipping your coffee. You’re tired of convincing people on why you’re into him.
They don’t need to understand. As long as it makes sense to you and Renjun, that’s enough.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Game night.
NCU vs SHU. Two universities that've been butting heads all year. Jeno leads the NCU neocats, whilst Dino leads the SCU ravens. You’re all in for NCU, of course.
The gymnasium was packed. The first game was on your campus, opening its gates for both universities for tonight’s game.
It’s always exciting, the marching band started playing, indicating that the game is about to start.
“Alright, guys! Warm up!” Coach Evie calls. You quickly sit on the grass, stretching your legs, reaching it with your fingertips.
Everybody else was stretching as well. But you can’t help but feel the daggers that've been throwing at you ever since practice.
Julie has been glaring at you. And you can’t help but feel anxious. You pull Minnie to the side.
“Switch main base with me?” You ask nicely.
“That would ruin the routine, Birdie. Why would you want to switch anyways?” She questions, kind of confused at your sudden request.
“I don’t feel secure with some of my support. It’s only for the toss, Minnie.” You didn’t want to say Julie’s name, careful not to single her out. But you also feel bad pertaining to all your main bases when they didn’t do anything at all.
“Oh, is it that bitch Julie? What happened? You want me to beat the lights out of her? Because I will—”
“You know what, nevermind. I hate that you resort to violence for anything, Minnie. That’s not very nice.”
Maybe you’re just paranoid. Julie won’t intentionally ruin your routine. She won’t.
Minnie kissed her teeth, putting her hands on her hips. “I know that you know switching main bases last minute is a horrible idea. You’re the captain, for christ sake. So that means one thing. Julie said something that would make you want to switch. I will keep an eye on her, don’t worry. If she tries shit, I will fuck her up, okay? Now go, captain. We’re about to start.” Minnie hugged you tight, stepping away after just to fix your bow.
You’re really glad you have Minnie. You wouldn’t know what to do without her.
You glance around the bleachers, finding someone that would definitely soothe your overthinking brain.
And there he was, in the midst of the busy crowd, looking graceful as always as he sat in between Haechan and Jaemin. It’s like seeing him made you calm down. The effect of his presence made you relax.
And as soon as he connects his sight to yours, he sighs. You thought he’d just look away, but he smiled. Mouthing the words, ‘Goodluck, Birdie’
You felt your chest burst, instantly nodding at him. You didn’t even think about it when you whispered the words you have always wanted to say.
‘I love you’
And then he visibly froze. But before he could react, Coach Evie called you.
You didn’t have a choice but to bring your attention back to the squad.
“Birdie, lead the squad. Alright, everybody. Finish the routine safely and perfectly. This is just the beginning. The real competition is the next game, the National Cheerleading Competition executives will be here as judges— they will pick a winner between you and Scarlet Heart. But that doesn’t mean y’all can slack on this one, alright?” Coach Evie really needs to work on her pep talk.
You sigh, shaking your entire body to loosen up. You were about to go into position when you noticed the entire squad looking at you.
“Whatchu wanna say, captain?” Minnie smiles at you, and you realize they’re waiting for you to say something.
“Oh, right, uh–” You clear your throat, “Cheer like it's your last?” You were unsure, and so as everybody, but Minnie, being the ever sweetheart that she is, she clapped and cheered.
As the announcer yelled for the NCU Squad, the familiar feeling rushed through your body. The adrenaline starts to creep in and you get high in the feeling. Everytime you perform, you get the chills that you have always craved. Like this was your calling. Like this has always been what you’re meant to do.
The music started, and you swore you had nothing on your mind. Your body moves on its own and it somehow perfect every single step. It was more of a reflex by this point, every position, every beat tatted in your brain.
But then there comes the part where you get tossed in the air. And although you memorized everything in the back of your head, this particular moment was extremely dangerous. You get tossed almost nine feet up in the air, and everything goes once it’s executed. So it’s natural to get nervous, however something’s not right.
You don’t have time to figure it out, the crowd already hyping you up. They know the climax of the routine, and that’s when the air lifts are performed. And you’re usually the person who gets thrown– so they know when it’s your turn.
“Birdie, Birdie, Birdie!”
You take a deep inhale, before starting to climb up on a couple of bases.You glance at the bleachers, finding your courage from one person but he isn’t where he’s at earlier. You didn’t have time to think about it, and on two counts, the bases started to gain momentum. And just right before you get thrown, you look at a pair of eyes that made your blood run cold.
The rage behind Julie’s eyes was evident. You performed the pose in the air, executed it perfectly, but when you’re about to land, everyone went silent.
Julie stepped back from her spot, causing you to land on your injured knee immediately the pain made you lose your balance.
A sharp, stabbing sensation shot through your leg. A searing pain lanced through your knee, buckling your leg. You hold it in place as you process the entire situation.
Everybody was silent. It felt like a slow motion, most of your squad immediately running to you. You can’t breathe. The initial shock felt like a dagger through the heart. Your jaw slacks, as you look at Julie running away from the field.
Minnie immediately shook you from your trance, and that’s when you looked at her. The pain has gotten worse when you snap back to reality. You felt your entire cheerleading career crumble in your hands. The tears follow through as you look up at Minnie.
“Minnie, I’m done..” You can’t believe it. “Oh my god, I’m done.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
A few years back
“Huang Renjun, you’re close with him, right?” Giselle asked.
“Yeah..” You hesitantly say. You saw her look back at Ningning, and they both smirked at each other.
“I was just asking.” Giselle shrugged, and even though you were sure that there’s underlying meaning behind her question.
It has been about three months since you got in the cheerleading squad, and to be honest, it has been underwhelming. Giselle rarely calls for practice, but she’s always in cheer uniform. She also only has very limited rotation between the team, mostly her, Ningning, and Yiren always in the center.
You? You were always at the back. Which you never complained about, because Giselle is the captain for a reason, what she says, goes. And you’re a newbie, there’s no room for complaints, especially from you.
“What happened? Why’d she call you?” Renjun’s soft voice instantly turns your mood up. He waited at the parking lot, leaning on his car as he watched you walk towards him.
As soon as you close the distance he smiles warmly, then proceeds to fix the hair that was all over your face, and tucks into your ear.
“She just asked a question,” You didn’t lie, technically. You just withhold a minor detail.
“Ready for tonight?” He smiles warmly at you. You nod excitingly at him.
Renjun promised to take you out on a ‘friendly’ date tonight. It’s one of his ways to make it up for the time he lost with you. You swear to him that he didn’t need to do all this, but he insisted that you come with this ‘date’ tonight.
You didn’t want to expect anything, but it’s hard not to when you’re literally head over heels with Renjun. A little assuming won’t hurt, sometimes.
“Are you sure I don’t need to change my clothes?” You pat down your pleated skirt, a bit conscious about your outfit. You were only wearing an oversized knitted sweater– and your everyday sneakers for this ‘date’.
Renjun is also rocking a casual outfit, but he still looks dashing. It's honestly not fair.
“No, I promise you, you look good in anything.”
There’s also a change in how Renjun talks to you. He talks to you with a bit of… flirting? You didn’t want to assume anything, again, but being delusional naturally is registered in your system.
You didn’t know where Renjun was taking you, but you didn’t care as long as you’re with him. Nothing could make this man look bad in your books.
When the car stops, your hand moves to the car door, but Renjun held your wrist.
“Come on, you don’t need to open the door for me.” You chuckle a bit, finding his chivalry cute.
“No, we don’t even need to leave the car.” You furrow your brows at him. As you turn your eyes on the front, you get suddenly blinded by a cinema sized LED screen.
You hitch your breath as the familiar movie starts.
“Bring It On!” You squeal, fascinated and somewhat perplexed as to how Renjun got this drive in cinema play a movie from the 2000s.
You turn to him with, corners of your mouth going up. He smiled back, reached at the backseat— and suddenly, a bouquet of yellow tulips separated your eyes from him.
You can’t help but blink rapidly, trying to make sense of it all. Is this an actual date? Not a friendly one? Whatever is going on right now, one thing’s for sure, you’re loving every second of it.
The movie started, and it feels like you’re straight out of a novel. However, as you try to relax, your fingers brush against his, and you swear you felt a slight spark.
At this very moment, the movie is long forgotten. All your undivided attention is on the way your skin feels hot, and your focus is on how to initiate more contact with Renjun.
“Want something to eat?” He asks softly, glancing at you with the sweetest eyes you could ever imagine.
“Not exactly that,” you let out an awkward chuckle and shifted in your seat.
“What’s the problem?” God, he’s so oblivious, you just want to jump his bones right now. You shake your head off with the dirty thoughts.
“Why– why’re we doing this? Why are you doing this, Renjun?” You gather courage to actually address the elephant in the room.
His jaw slacks but he swiftly kept his composure. “I thought you’d want to finish the movie first—”
“I’ve watched that movie 54 times. I could probably cite the next dialogue without thinking. So what is it, Renjunnie?”
He gulps one time, before he starts fidgeting with his hands. “I love you, y/n. I have loved you for a long time now and I was a coward because I had thought that a loser like me didn’t have the right to want you. So I gained my confidence, tried befriending other people to gain popularit–” Before he could even finish, you threw the bouquet on the back seat of his car and grabbed his collar. Next thing you know is you’re already making out with him on the passenger seat and you did not care about anything else.
You pulled away, breathless, “I love you too, Renjun.”
You could not take your hands off of each other as soon as you entered his apartment. He shared it with a guy named Donghyuck, but he was out tonight, which you thanked the heavens for.
“Y/n,” He whispers your name every chance he gets, which is not much since your lips are connected at every moment ever since you stepped foot in this apartment.
You didn’t want to rush things with him, but you just felt like this was the right moment. This was the perfect timing. He’s the right person to do this with.
He kissed you hard, but softly at the same time. It was like you were drowning, but you didn’t mind it.
“Shit,” curses sounded heavenly when it came from his mouth, turning you on even more.
You didn’t even realize you were already in the confinement of his bedroom, until the back of your knees hit the edge of his bed. You let your balance loose, allowing yourself to lay back on the mattress.
He looked at you in a way that made your spine shiver, your entire body burning with desire.
“Are you sure about this?” He carefully asks as he lowers himself to tower over you. You look at him with the same passion and nod your head. “I’m always sure about you.” You take his lips once more.
You can tell he was hesitant to touch places you wanted his hands on. So you take the lead, grabbing his nervous hands and placing it on your breast. “Please touch me,”
His jaw slackens, a new sensation traveling down his body. “I’-I’m sorry, I haven’t done this before.” He stuttered, but you just bit your lip.
“I haven’t either. We’ll be each other’s first,” You smile reassuringly at him, caressing his cheek as he looks at you warily.
He started to massage your breast, whilst his lips traveled down your neck. You can feel your stomach flutter at the feeling, never expecting such a move would make you go crazy. He then looks at you again, holding the hem of your shirt, almost as if asking permission. You gazed over at him with lust that you knew he got the message.
He lifted it up, and in every skin that gets exposed, he blessed it with his lips. The wetness of it makes your breath hitch. “Renjun, please.”
He pulled your sweater up until you’re now only left with your bra. He slowly reaches at your back, which you helped by arching, and with a snap, your bra falls undone.
The cold breeze around your nipples did not last long because as soon as his eyes fell down, his lips attached to one of the peaks. You shudder, gripping his hair, gently pulling it. You’re a moaning mess.
“Touch me more,” You managed to blurt out. He seemed to understand, with the way his hands traveled down your skirt. Still making out with your exposed breast, paying attention one after another, he started playing with your panties.
“Fuck, you’re so wet already.” He felt the dampness over the cloth, directing his middle finger on the slit. You gasp in pleasure, flinching every time he explored further.
“Jun,” You whine when he starts pulling down your skirt, along with your panties. His jaw opens slowly as he looks at you with hunger behind his eyes, but the softness of adoration still present at his expression. You clench at the sudden coldness but he didn’t allow you to suffer any further as he moved fast and removed his own clothing.
“Shit, baby you’re fucking gorgeous.”
He parted your thighs and squished himself in between, his member hitting your core ever so slightly. But the thought of it drives you nuts, and it takes all of you to not do anything about it. He went back to making out with you as his hands do wonders.
“Uh, my gosh.” You inhale once his fingers start rubbing your pussy, trying to steady your hands on his body. He pulls away just to watch you fall apart in his hands.
He bites his lip as his fingers started moving down, where your hole is. “I’m.. I’m gonna finger you first, okay?” He asks ever so carefully, and it’s obvious that he’s also as nervous as you are.
“Okay, baby. I trust you.”
And just then, he applied pressure and eventually entered you, making you flinch a bit. He moans with you, a foreign feeling enveloping at his fingertips. This is the first time he had ever touched somebody, and he can already tell that you’re the best.
“R-Renjun.” You whine as he starts moving in and out. ]
“Fuck, fuck you’re dripping, oh-” He takes a glance at your wet core, where his middle finger disappears. He pushed another finger in and you swore you almost felt like you’re coming.
You see his other hand leave your breast, moving it down his own body and you just knew what he was going to do. You swiftly take his hand away and replace it with yours. You knew enough from videos, ones that were shown to you by your former friends.
He muttered out a deep groan once you made contact with his cock, immediately moving your hands in the same rhythm he does with his own fingers.
You never knew it would feel this good. The look in his face, the way his mouth slackens and the way he falls vulnerable on your touch felt dangerously addicting.
There was a strange feeling on your stomach, like a thread that’s waiting to snap. Like you were about to explode. “Renj– oh, I’m.. I think I’m coming,”
You cry at the feeling, making him work even harder. He licks his lips as he went faster, and you can just feel your body shake. Your hands can no longer move, and in the next moment, you felt euphoria. You were shaking, grabbing at his wrist, trapping it in between as you rode the wave of pleasure.
“That was so fucking hot, baby.. God I can just cum right here.” He says, now trying to calm you down. He placed a kiss on your forehead and whispered ‘good job’. Your eyes are still closed when he positioned himself on top of you, the tip of his cock aligning in your entrance.
“You ready?” He asks, moving his tip up and down your slit. You nod, even when tired, you’re still filled with eagerness.
“I need to feel you now,” You say. He gave you a peck on your lips and just when you know it, he started to stretch you out.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad, but it's so good.
“It hurts,” You just couldn’t believe how painful it was. Yes, you knew it would sting a bit, but not like this. You almost wanted to stop right there but when you felt him shiver, and hear him moan, everything washed off.
“I’-I’m sorry baby, fuck you’re gonna make me cum.” He says, whining even louder than you. He cages your head with both his forearms, making you look up at him, and him only.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He says, tears on the edge of his eyes.
“I love you so much,” You whisper. Swiftly, by looking at his eyes, the pain subsided. “You can move now, baby.”
He nods and in every thrust he makes, the pain slowly turns to pleasure. Like magic, it dissipates into thin air, only replaced with the pure euphoric feeling.
Your tears were one of those tears that came from pleasure, and that pleasure not only derives from him fucking you, but also from the fact that it’s him you’re doing this with. The boy you love the most.
“I can’t, baby. I can’t last, you feel too fucking good.” He whined in your ear, embracing you so tight that you might’ve broken a rib, not that you’d care.
You hugged him back, “It’s okay, baby. Let go.”
“Ah, ah— shit, I love you. I love you, y/n. Please tell me you— fuck —love me too.”
You were there with him, both your climax approaching fast, even faster when he called your name. “I love you so much, my baby, my Huang Renjun.”
You both came, looking at each others eyes. He dived down to kiss you torridly, caressing your hair.
And with that intense state of pleasure and love, you hold him like you’ve never before.
Everything was perfectly in place for you, and you’ve never been happier.
You’re achieving your dream of becoming a cheerleader, and your dream of being with your first love, Huang Renjun. It all seemed dandy, until Giselle asked you to stay behind practice.
“You know Theo? The main base? Yeah, he likes you, y/n.” At the end of the practice, Giselle and Ningning basically cornered you. You had no idea about what they were talking about— one thing’s for sure, you’re not interested.
“I don’t like him like that.. and besides, I have a—”
“And our Ningning here likes Renjun. So I suggest giving her a chance, yeah?” Giselle crossed her arms across her chest, lifting her brows.
You were puzzled. You and Renjun just officiated your relationship last night, how can they ask you this? Your breathing quickens.
“I-I— Giselle, what are you saying? He’s my boyfriend,” Your voice started to shake.
“Don’t piss me o—” Ningning rolled her eyes at you and even attempted to lunge at you, making you flinch but Giselle blocked her.
“Nings,” Giselle reprimanded before staring back at you again.
“You know that cheerleading is all about sisterhood, right, y/n?” Her voice was ice cold, her eyes making you shiver. The Giselle you idolized was long gone, only replaced by this cold hearted person.
“I—”
“But it’s fine. However, you can’t just turn down Theo like that, right? He’s been talking about you nonstop, and to be honest, I like him as my brother. So, be kind and meet him at the back of the gym tonight. You can do that, right?” Her attitude screamed authoritative, but also soft, as if to trick you into manipulation. She didn’t let her smile fade while waiting for your answer.
You shake your head, “I will talk to him when I want to, Giselle. But I don’t think its a good idea—”
“Do you think it’s a good idea to go against the cheer captain? You'll see him after this. And you better not tell Renjun. Or else, I’ll kick you out of the team.”
You were in a state of shock. You feel highly strung, why is she being like this? Threatening to kick you out because you refuse to obey her nonsense order?
You couldn’t say anything when they left. You were conflicted on so many levels.
When you become Captain, you will never be like her. You’ll be better, in every conceivable way.
But now that you’re still starting, you can’t do much. So you followed her. Convincing yourself that nothing worse will happen. You'll just have to talk with Theo, that’s it.
[6:34pm] injunnie <3: baby are u done? meet me @ the parking lot
Your fingers shake, typing out a lie. You cannot fathom lying to him, but still, you did.
[6:35pm] you: hi babyy <3 uhm, not yet. i need to practice a few stunts :(( i’ll just text u, ok?
[6:35pm] injunnie <3: ok baby. see u later! love u :*
You brush your hand across your hair. Not even a day in your relationship, and you’re already lying to him about meeting a guy. You felt horrible.
Yet, here you are, standing a few feet away from Theo.
“Hi, y/n.” He was smiling at you, but you felt uncomfortable. He started walking towards you rather aggressively, to the point that your legs started to step away backwards.
There was a measure of anxiety spread all over your face, however, you still managed to talk.
“Giselle told me–”
“She’s right, y/n. I asked her to help me. And I’m glad you decided to talk about this–”
Your brows knitted together, but you thought that maybe he had a wrong impression about you coming here to talk to him. “Actually, Theo, I have a boyfriend.”
He froze, smile fading, his expression accenting his confusion. You almost felt bad, but in a swift moment, his lips stretched into a smirk and leaned his head to the right. “Well, you could just give me a lil’ kiss then, right?”
Your lips ajar, brows furrowed as you try and process what you’ve just heard. Deeply offended, you attempt to call him out on his brazen request, but he continues.
“Giselle would be so mad to hear that you can’t even give me a single kiss, y/n. She loves me, and if I told her how selfish you are, she’d have no problem banning you from cheerleading up until college. She has connections, y/n.”
All other words suddenly fled your mind. Theo’s basically blackmailing you into cheating. Your nose wrinkled in disgust upon his words, but you can’t seem to say anything. Heart beats intensely as you weigh the choice you need to make in this situation.
“Giselle won’t–”
“Oh she will. You’re outshining her in the squad and she’d be more than happy to make up a reason to ban you. Come on, y/n. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know.”
You’d be forbidden to join up until college. You wouldn’t be able to cheer ever again.
He takes a step forward, this time, rooted in your place, you feel your stomach twist. Your eyes burned in tears. Theo’s touch burned, and you gulped as his palm laid on your cheek.
You couldn’t move. Your skin tingles, heart rapidly beating within your chest as your breathing grows tighter.
He doesn’t have to know. Renjun wouldn’t know.
At the moment his lips touched yours, you knew you made a mistake. You felt disgusted, you can’t find it in you to respond.
“Kiss me fucking properly.” He growls. You clench your fist, and tighten your eyes as you kiss him back despite the tremble of your lips due, a wave of revulsion swept through your entire body.
You’re cheating on Renjun for your dream of being a cheerleader.
Then there was a terrifying moment when you feel someone else being present in this vile affair that you’re forced to partake in. You open your tear filled eyes and right there and then, your whole world shatters.
There he was, the love of your life, standing a few feet away. Behind him was Ningning, sporting a smirk as if she’d won. Your mind tells you to step away, run to Renjun, and beg for forgiveness. But your fear overshadowed you, staying right where you were, slowly digging your own grave.
His eyes were poisonous to even look upon, so much hatred tainted in his mind. You knew he’d hate you, no, he’d despise you. And nothing breaks your heart even more than seeing him walk away.
You immediately pushed Theo, and landed a sharp slap across his face. Tears surged in uncontrollably as you slowly realize that you’d already lost the only person you loved.
Whatever it takes, huh?
You see Theo leave, and when it’s just you and the overflowing guilt alone, that’s when your legs give out. You sat there, clutching your hand on your chest as you cried, desperately wiping your lips until they hurt.
In the quiet moments that followed, the only sound was the echoing resonance of guilt, regret, and shame.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Ruptured patellar tendon on your knee, Ms. Y/N. Unfortunately you’ll have to undergo physical therapy, and most likely, you'll never be able to perform in cheerleading indefinitely.”
You felt like a bucket of ice cold water was just poured all over you. You stared at nothingness, hoping all of this was just a dream.
Why should this even happen to you? Is it karma? If it is, isn’t this too much of a punishment?
You cried and cried until your eyes dried up, having to accept the fact that at the age of 22, your dream was snatched away from you.
Was it cruel? Yes, absolutely. Did you deserve it? Arguable.
Cheerleading was the only thing you know, and now it’s off the table. It was as though a veil of sadness had been draped over your eyes, distorting your perception of the world and casting everything in shades of gray. What are you supposed to do now?
A swarm of support follows you on the third day of your hospitalization, and you swear you’re grateful for all of them, however, you can’t seem to find gratitude for any of them.
Most of the cards called you Birdie, and how are you supposed to live up to the name if your wings were broken off? You’re no longer Birdie, and the only remaining sentiment that name carries is sadness and disappointment.
“I beat her up, you know?” Minnie says one time she visited you.
You look at her in shock. A laugh traveled through her, “Not ‘beat’, actually. I just landed a few on her face. Nobody in the squad snitched, because they knew she deserved it. Her boyfriend seemed mad about it tho,”
For the first time in a while, you thought about Renjun. Your mind was in a different space the entire time that you forgot about him. He wasn’t there when the incident occured and it would be possible if he didn’t know what happened.
“Does he know?” Your voice was scratched, and a glint of hope laced in your tone.
“I don’t think he knew of the severity of the injury, and I’m sure that bitch already switched up the story. He’s a dumbass.”
“He wasn’t there, he didn’t see what happened. I’m sure he’s–”
Minnie snapped, raising her voice. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Birdie. Stop defending him! You should get your mind off of him. It’s pissing me off that despite what happened, you still find a way to give people the benefit of a doubt. And I bet you don’t even blame Julie, you’d rather blame yourself,” She’s right. Not that you’re not mad about what Julie did, but you’re more so empty. You don’t know what to feel, and even debated if you deserved it or not.
You sink more on your seat in shame. “Please, learn to be mad. Learn to be angry, and hold people into accountability. Not everyone deserves a second chance.”
That made you think, not only about this entire ordeal, but also the past. Not everyone deserves a second chance.
Does that mean you too? With what you did with Renjun? Did you not deserve a second chance?
Maybe you’re too nice because you’re overcompensating for what you did to get what you had. And now you’ve had your time, it was cruelly snatched from you.
Maybe that dream wasn’t yours to begin with.
And maybe, Renjun wasn’t meant to be yours, too.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Renjun felt uneasy. There’s something weird about the atmosphere that night of the game.
Before your performance that night, he had to take a call from his mom, asking him to come home for a favor. He was conflicted, because although he masked it greatly, he did liked watching you perform.
However, he thought that you still had a final performance in the next game, which was twice as important than that night so he just opted to leave before the game.
The next morning, he was overwhelmed by Julie’s tears.
“M-Minnie, that fucking bitch beat me up!” She screams, pointing at the slight bruising at her temple.
He heard about the incident last game, and it killed him to get the news that you were injured, again. The last time that happened, he almost wanted to take you home and take care of you properly. Yet, something in him always reminds him that you chose this career.
You chose this over him.
But Renjun wouldn’t lie if he said that he didn’t feel bad about Julie right now. From what he has heard, the entire thing was an accident. Julie did not deserve to be hurt physically, at least that’s what he thought at first.
Julie had become a close friend of his, quickly forming a bond with shared interest in some things. Julie’s really pretty as well, and even though Renjun doesn’t care about that stuff, he’s sure as hell won’t deny the truth.
He tried, he really did. Julie was a perfect partner, and she seemed sweet and kind, one of the qualities Renjun liked about her. So, yes. Maybe he did plan to be with her, at least sleep with her.
But when he saw your pain stricken face in that elevator, he was suddenly unsure.
“Why did you have to put your hands on her?” He asks Minnie calmly. He had no intention confronting her, he just wanted to know the reason and she happened to walk past him.
She stared back at him with a cold grin, “That bitch deserved more.”
For some odd reason, Renjun didn’t say anything after that. Rather, he’d questioned why Minnie did it to that extent, why is she so angry that she’d resort to violence.
It wasn’t until the day before your big performance that Renjun started to worry. It has been more than a week and he still hasn’t seen you.
He snuck out from classes just to peek at the cheerleading practice and you weren’t there. Not in your usual classes, hallways or cafeteria where he’s usually seen you.
Out of sheer desperation, he asked Julie.
“What happened at the last game?”
He saw a glimpse of fear run through her eyes when it widened upon hearing his question.
“I told you, It was an accident.” Julie’s tone was defensive.
There’s a voice inside Renjun’s head, saying to not trust her.
For the reason being that you’d never not show up in your classes, even with simple injury. Sure, you’d skip practice for a few days but you’d be back on your feet the next day. Especially with an event like this.
His worry grew, now stressing on why you’re still not around. It’s the final game, and you should be here, if not to cheer, but atleast watch your squad. You’d always done that. So why are you still not around?
He curses at himself for caring about you this much. He felt like he betrayed himself, his own morals and beliefs because he should not care about you anymore. Afterall, you cheated on him. No matter how nice you are, no matter how much you claim that you’ve changed. There’s no way he could just forget the pain he went through.
So why is he standing outside the field, waiting on any of your friends to show up and ask them where you’ve been?
“Where’s your captain?” He asks the first person he saw wearing the squad uniform.
“Oh, she’s almost here, wait, there she is!” Sunghoon says pointing at the back.
A wave of relief washed over Renjun. Shit, you’re okay. You’re here.
But when he turns around, he sees Minnie. He furrows his brow, quite perplexed as to why he’s pointing at Minnie when he knows damn well she’s not the captain of cheerleading.
“If you’re here to ask where’s Julie, I kicked that bitch out. Sorry,” She sneered at him.
He almost yells that he’s not here for Julie. He couldn't care less about her. He’s here for you.
“You’re.. You’re not the captain. Where’s y/n?”
Minnie’s smirk faded, as if his question shifted the mood. “You really don’t know, huh?”
He felt the first thump in his chest. “What?”
“Better ask her yourself.”
With that, she left Renjun hanging. He couldn’t try and stop Minnie, asking her for any explanation because he felt like he was going to explode.
His lips fell ajar, as everything clicked.
You had an injury, and right after that you didn’t go to any of your practice, then Julie got kicked out and now Minnie’s replaced you as the captain.
He covers his mouth in realization, adding another layer of fear. He needs to find you.
Fortunately, Renjun doesn’t need to walk far. He had heard that you’re in the premises to watch the game, and the first place he had thought of was the gymnasium.
He finds you, sitting alone on the bleachers with a pair of pompoms on your side. You weren’t wearing your uniform.
“Y/n,” He whispers, yet the resonance of his voice echoes. He approaches you carefully, assessing the entire situation. He wants to be there for you, but he doesn’t want to force you if you want to be alone.
You look up at him, and when his eyes meet yours, he can just hear his heart break. You looked defeated. You look tired.
“Why aren’t you in uniform, Birdie?” He asks softly. Deep inside Renjun, he knew why. But he can’t accept it. Not when this is your life. Not when he knows it’ll break you to give up.
You slowly shake your head helplessly at him, on the verge of despair. Gripping both your hands on your knees, like you’re holding yourself together.
“The game’s about to start–”
“I can’t, Renjun, I can’t dance anymore.” He takes a huge breath after hearing your voice break, and he takes two huge steps to reach you. He kneels before you, grabbing your cold hands.
“There has got to be another way, baby. We’ll get you the best doctor out th–”
“I’m done with cheerleading, Renjun. I.. I can’t even fucking walk properly!” You broke down in front of him, and he swore he’d never felt so horrible in his life. His own tears betrayed him, but he doesn't care. When you, his entire world, is falling apart in his hands.
He pulls you in a tight embrace, letting you wet his shirt completely. Caressing your hair as he attempts to calm you, but in his mind, he’s also hanging by a thread– seeing you like this, completely giving up, breaks him to his core.
“What do I do now, Renjun? What–” you sobbed in between your words, and he bit his lip hearing you like this. It hurts him so much to see you like this. He closes his eyes, gently trying to soothe your shaking shoulders.
“I’m so sorry, my baby.” He whispers, kissing the top of your head repeatedly.
At this moment, Renjun swears in his grave, that he will never forgive whoever did this to you.
And if your sweet smile never comes back after this, all hell will break loose. Because he’s never afraid of his own scars, but yours? Oh, that’s his deepest, darkest fear.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Neo Culture University Newsblog
“NCU’s Top Cheerleader, the captain of NCU Squadron, the first ever cheerleader to perform the highest basket toss in NCU cheerleading history, Y/N, L/N, famously known as The Bird, announces her departure from the squad after the incident at the first game between NCU vs SHU.
Also known as Birdie, had suffered a career ending injury after falling whilst performing a routine last Thursday night. It was announced by the cheer committee that Hwang Youngmin will be replacing her as a captain of the squad.
Furthermore, investigations involving a former cheerleader who’s accused of sabotaging the Cheer Captain’s career, causing her to retire from cheerleading. Foul play is suspected, and we’ll be reporting more on it soon. So far, it has been confirmed that said cheerleader is now kicked out of the squad. Updates soon.”
Renjun is filled with nothing but rage.
That was your dream. That was your everything. And just for… a fucking bitch to ruin it all for you?
“Calm down, man. I’m sure the school will handle it.” Jeno, ever the mediator says. This was the first time his friends saw him this fuming.
“No. Fuck no. I want that bitch out of this school.” Renjun was adamant about kicking Julie out. He’d do everything in his power to make sure she didn’t step foot on this campus ever again.
“Are we even sure about what happened—” Haechan attempts to cut in on the conversation but a sharp look from Renjun made him freeze.
“Do I look like I care? Accident or not, I’ll make sure she suffers. I’ll make up a dumb fucking reason, anything, to get her kicked out. I’ll fund the fucking investigation against her. I’ll make sure she pays for it. Whatever it takes.” His voice was dangerously calm. Every word carrying weight, every threat sounded like a promise.
It doesn’t matter to him now. He could lie and tell everybody he hates you, but nobody could ever hurt you like this. Not on his watch.
You could cheat on him a million times but he’ll never be angry enough to let this happen to you. Not when you were once his everything — not when you’re once his lifeline. Everyone else doesn’t matter.
When it comes to you, he’d do worse.
Haechan, Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other, worried about what Renjun would do. They had never seen him filled with this much rage. It was horrifying, the lengths he’s willing to take for you.
And deep inside, they knew that behind the cold exterior he always treated you with, is a man who is still deeply in love with you.
Also, one common knowledge among them is never to mess with Renjun.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Thank you, Ms. Lin! See you next monday,” You waved goodbye to your therapist, as you went out for your weekly physical therapy.
After the surgery, it was really hard to adjust. You needed to use clutches for what it feels like forever, and there were restrictions that you needed to follow. The school granted you a scholarship, which was really awesome to hear. At least that was taken care of.
“Baby,”
You look up front to see Renjun waiting for you in his car. You smiled at him and waved excitedly. He runs up to you, swiftly taking your bag with him.
“Right on time, impressive.” You sneer at him. He grabs your hand and hooks it over his arm.
“I was here fifteen minutes early, baby.” He winks at you, giving you a light peck on the lips. You giggled, watching him open the car door for you. You put your injured knee first, before sitting with your entire body.
“Where are we going?” You ask. He didn’t tell you about the plans today, but you didn’t bother to ask either. You just assumed he would take you back to his apartment and you’ll just burn a hole in his couch watching netflix the rest of the day.
You can never really pinpoint on when you and Renjun decided to get back together, or at least you think you’re back together. Ever since that day at the gymnasium, Renjun never left your side. You didn’t dare ask him what’s going on, afraid to ruin whatever it is.
You sat there, a bit uncertain on why Renjun still hasn’t started the car. You turn to him, looking for any reason as to why he just sat there gripping the steering wheel.
“Giselle called today,” He exhaled.
You widen your eyes in aghast. That’s a name you’ve never heard before. Or more accurately, that’s a name you wished to never hear of ever again.
Nonetheless, you guessed this topic should be discussed sooner or later. You can’t always avoid the inevitable, hiding from the ghosts from the past. And you believe that the both of you are much more grown now to handle it maturely.
“She saw the article, apparently. And uh, she told me.. Well, everything.” You take a deep breath.
You clear your throat and nodded, calculating on how you should go about the conversation. You’ve rehearsed begging him for forgiveness a thousand times before, however, you realize that you should just tell him what you feel at the moment. Not some rehearsed bullcrap, because Renjun deserves nothing but the raw truth from you.
“How’s Giselle? I hope they’re doing good,” You start with genuine curiosity.
Renjun furrows his brows as he looks at you. “Baby, they gave you hell and you still wish them the best? I–I don’t think I can ever forgive them for ruining us, ever.” He claims, grabbing your hand, intertwining it and kissing the back of your palm.
You smile warmly at him. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll forgive them for the both of us.”
He shook his head, disagreeing. “No. You’ll have to learn how to express anger for people who deserve it. You can’t let them get away every single time. They’d just do it all over again.”
A semblance of a smile had gently flickered onto your lips as you admired him. “Alright, baby. I’ll try. But good thing you’re with me now, right? You can be the bad cop and I’d be the good cop!”
Through his serious demeanor, a small smirk threatened to sneak its way on his mouth.
“And I’m so sorry for treating you like shit. I was deep in my own hateful charade to mask the fact that I still wanted to be with you. I guess I was a puss–”
“Language, baby.” You faked an angry tone, but immediately smiled after. “Besides, I understand. I wouldn’t want to be seen with a person who cheated on–”
“You didn’t, baby. You quite literally had no choice.” He warned.
“Okay, sure but you also have to let me earn your trust. At the end of the day, I still kissed somebody else when we’re together. But at the same time, I also feel terrible because it seemed like I sacrificed our own relationship for nothing.”
Everytime you remind yourself of the decision you made when you were young, hurting the person you love, for something that was taken away from you way too soon, makes you feel so stupid. So disappointed in yourself.
“I trust you with my life, baby. You’re responsible for me now, so don’t you dare leave me again. Okay? I love you.”
Before you wallow in guilt, Renjun kissed you deeply and passionately. Your lips move in a rhythmic manner, as if it was a melody that played in the silence of your hearts, a song of tenderness and affection.
“Shit, baby we should go. We’re going to be late,” He pulled away too early, despite your pleas and looked at his wristwatch.
You turn your head in confusion. Do you have plans today? He didn’t say anything and began to drive. You were sitting in your seat demented, wondering where he’d take you. You try to familiarize the road he’s taking, but you are left clueless.
He stopped at an expensive looking hall, seemingly a restaurant, or an events place, honestly you’re not sure. There's a waitress waiting at the reception. Renjun just says his name, and the woman just nodded and smiled at you. You hesitantly smiled back, and that’s when she guided you inside.
“What is this?” Your heart is now pumping out your chest, as you try to figure out Renjun's plan.
He just turns to you and puts his index fingers on his lips. The waitress stopped at a double door, knocked five times, odd to say the least, then gestured for Renjun to open the door.
For a moment, Renjun unlinks your hands from his arms to open the door. And as soon as you took a step inside the dark room, a collective excitement shrieked as the lights turned on.
“Congratulations, Birdie!”
Your eyes widened, your mouth fell open as you saw everyone who ever mattered to you greets you with the widest smile as they held their own party prop. The confetti drowns you, but it doesn't baffle you. What touched you the most is your cheer squad, Minnie leading them as she blows the small horn.
‘Celebrating Y/N “The Bird” L/N’s legacy in NCU Squad’ it says on a banner.
You covered your mouth and immediately broke down, Minnie running to you and hugging you so tight.
“Bitch, you’re gonna make me cry!” She whines as she tries to wipe your tears off your face.
You clutch your chest, being overwhelmed in joy. Sniffing silently as you greet the other people.
“There she is!” You hear Coach Evie emerging from the crowd, embracing you.
“Thank you, Coach.”
“You’re by far the best cheerleader I’ve seen in my career. But I know you’re much better than just being a cheerleader. Please remain as hopeful as you were before, Birdie.” She says, making you sob even more. You murmured more gratitude to her.
“Uh-Uhm.” You look at someone clearing their throat beside you, and you see an awkward Haechan standing there looking at his feet. Renjun harshly nudges him forward to you, Jeno and Jaemin smirking behind him.
“I apologize for my behavior, and I regret everything I have said that’s hateful towards you. I wish we could get along and be friends. And again, I’m sorry.” He says, almost robotic, and most people would find it insincere, but you just chuckled.
“Did Renjun ask you to memorize that?”
“Renjun asked more, actually. He was supposed to kneel, Birdie. Just wait for it..” Jaemin snickers, Jeno laughing at the entire thing.
“Psh. It’s fine, Haechan. I forgive you.” You say in the middle of a laugh, finding it almost adorable how Haechan is scared of Renjun. Somehow, it just makes sense.
It was Jeno’s turn to hug you, “Congrats, Birdie.” He’s always been soft and composed. You always appreciated that about him.
“Come here! Congratulations Birdie!!” Jaemin runs to you and embraces you, spinning you around. You yelp, not expecting it but Renjun quickly holds Jaemin’s shoulder as he pulls you from him.
“Not too much on my girl, dude!” Renjun shouts, as if Jaemin just kidnapped you in broad daylight. Jaemin carefully puts you down, pointing at Renjun with a mischievous smile splattered all over his face.
“Ooh, Is our Renjun jealous?”
The three of them clowned Renjun on, “It’s just–! She’s injured!” He says in defense.
As much as you want to watch him have fun with his friends, you’re afraid what’s on your mind can’t wait any longer.
“Baby,” You gently pull at his hand. He whipped his head towards you quickly.
You caress his furrowed brows, smoothing it then caressing his cheeks. In the middle of the chaos, the noise and the sea of people, you looked at him as if you two were the only people in the room.
His eyes fill your chest with warmth, the familiarity of his touch calming your soul, and the comfort of his smile soothes your entire wellbeing. He is your solace, and you won’t ever fucking do anything to hurt him, ever again.
“I love you,” You say, silently, eliciting a smile from him. He leans down, kissing you with intensity, almost sparking a flame between the two of you. You hear the crowd cheering, as you two pull away.
“I love you, and you will never be unloved by me. I’m sorry baby but you’re stuck with me. Be my girlfriend again?” He asks loud enough for just the two of you. You nod eagerly, kissing him again.
That’s when you felt the world cheer for your happiness. It’s now clear to you that your happiness is with him. Not with cheerleading, not with anything else. Your dream could change, your future could give you the biggest plot twist ever known to man, but one thing’s for sure.
Just as long as you’re with Renjun, you’re gonna be okay.
To: My dearest Renjun,
I will love you in this lifetime, and the next, because forever doesn’t seem enough. My love, you’re worth it all. xoxo
summary ⭑ You knew better than to let yourself be tangled in the so called ‘superman’s sheets. You’ve heard enough— that he’s far from the beloved superhero everybody adored. Whilst Clark Kent lived with dignity, honor and justice, Jeong Jaehyun thrived with sex, money and fame. You? Well, you’d live to be his kryptonite, making it your mission to see superman on his knees, ruining him for everybody else. ⭑
“ Is it a bird? A plane? No, it’s fucking Jeong Jaehyun. ”
GENRE: Angst, Fluff, Smut
WARNINGS: MDNI, toxic themes, obsession, manipulation, jealousy, explicit sexual themes, language, possessiveness, drugs&alcohol, morally flawed characters, violence, infamous!jaehyun x fem!reader
AUTHOR’s NOTE: atp are we even surprised !? i miss jaehyun so much and im gonna pour all of it in this fic lmao hope y’all love it!
i really liked ur haechan fic and i’m wondering if you are planning on writing more for haechan
YEPPP i always have plans to write for Haechan. Theres always a bubbling plot in my head ready to be written but of course— it does take time and effort. When I write for him again, it’s gonna be another proper long fic I promise 🎀
summary ➸ ♡ Huang Renjun, the sweetie of the year, is one hard star to catch. Not as easy as his other friends, he's quite difficult to have. Although he has a fair share of affairs with girls, it is considered to be a rare occurence. But you? Oh boy were you something. You were quite head over heels over him. His friends could never understand, but you were persistent to get the boy. No matter how much he refuses your advances, Its like you found art in rejection. But to what degree can you hold it out?
"I can be everything I want, but fuck, I only wanted to be yours. Even though you couldn't be mine."
AUTHOR's NOTE: This has gone way too angst-y than I planned but hey, i thrive for angst. Longer than what I expected but it's not gonna be a ryo fic if I stuck with the expected wc lmao. also i cried while writing this fic lol
WC: 19k (told ya)
DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.
Enjoy reading! -ryo
My dearest Renjun,
I hope you had a wonderful day! I heard you have an exam today. Don’t forget to eat on time, okay? Here’s some brownies, I know you love them xoxo
-y/n
You clicked your pen after writing the letter, spraying a bit of your perfume on the note. You put it nicely on top of the box of brownies before putting it on your bag.
You checked the time, and you nod when it says exactly 7am.
“Seriously, a handwritten letter? You’re crazy,” your roommate, Julie, sassed at your small box of sweets.
You tighten your shoe laces, before turning around to get your bag. You smiled at Julie, “It’s a habit,” You hear her scoff, but before she argues again, you are fast on your feet.
As soon as you entered the school premises, you were greeted by some of the freshmen, waving at you. You of course, waved back and gave them a good morning back. It was nice to greet people, even if you don’t know them. You don’t know when a simple greeting could make someone’s day. It sure makes your day better at least.
You’re supposed to go left at the gym because you have practice at 7:30 sharp and you’ve used up all your chances to be late. However, if you run fast enough, you’re sure you’ll get there in time.
“Hey, y/n! Be careful!” One student says as you run through the hallway. You still manage to respond with a smile.
You look at your watch, and you silently curse. 7:15.
Once you made it at the school garden, you hover your eyes at the entire field and sure enough, you see who you’ve been looking for.
There he was. He sat with his three other friends, which you knew of. Usually, it’s only him and Jeno, but this time, there’s Jaemin and Haechan with him at the picnic table. Haechan slumped in the table, Jaemin mindlessly watching something on his phone and Jeno, along with Renjun, seemingly studying for their upcoming exam.
You put on your best smile, and dust off your cheer uniform.
Once you reach their table, you clear your throat. It was Jaemin who granted you attention first, and as soon as he looked at you, his smile beamed brighter than the sun. He’s good at that, a charmer, really. Too bad it doesn’t affect you in any way.
“Renjun, someone’s here for you,” He says through his smile and nudging Renjun.
You hear the boy grunt, and let out an exasperated sigh. Finally, he turns to you, and even if you swore you had a big smile, seeing him made it even bigger.
“Hi, Renjun! Uh,” you waved at him, and then brought the box of brownies out your bag, glad to see it's still in pristine condition. “--I brought brownies.. For you and your friends,”
That’s when Jeno and Haechan, who suddenly woke up from his sleep, looked up at you.
Renjun rubs his forehead, and sighed again. He puts down his pen that he was holding from earlier. “Y/n, I told you, stop making these for me.”
You gulp in nervousness. “Do.. do you not like them?” you can’t help sound dismayed, with the end of your sentence getting quieter.
“I like brownies. I just don’t like when it comes from you. Don’t you get that?”
Honestly, you were expecting this. Renjun was always harsh, however, you like to think he’s just brutally honest. But you would be lying if you say that it doesn’t sting.
“Oh-kay,” Jaemin joins the conversation, attempting to dilute the tension. Your smile falters for a second but you try your best to smile again. Jaemin continues, “Sorry, birdie, he’s just extra grumpy today ‘cause of the big exam later.. I’ll get that,” he grabs the brownies out of your hold.
You whisper a small thank you to Jaemin. “Renjun, if you change your mind, I guess Jaemin has the brownies..” you still tried to sound cheerful.
Renjun, however, didn’t say anything.
“I’ll shove it down his throat if I have to. Go on now, Birdie, I heard you guys have cheer practice at 7:30.” Jaemin answers for him again, sweet as ever.
That piqued your interest. You raised your brows, “How’d you know?”
“I have a friend in your squad. Now, shoo! Don’t wanna be late! Renjun says fighting!” He grabs Renjun’s hand and waved it forcefully, but Renjun just pulls away from his hold.
“Okay. Uh, bye everybody! Bye, Renjun.” Your eyes glanced at him with hope, but came to no avail when he just continued reading his book. Jeno waved a little bit and Haechan just gave you a fake smile. Haechan, for reasons unbeknownst to you, doesn’t seem to like you either. But you don’t dwell on it too much because frankly, you don’t care.
Jaemin smiles, waving at you. You turn your heels and start to run. You have two minutes to get to the gymnasium. It was worth it tho, you like to start your day seeing him.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
After a few hours of practice, you were dismissed due to the classes you have later on the day.
“Why were you late this morning?” Sunghoon, one of your spotters on the squad, asks as you walk to your class.
You didn’t have a chance to answer, when Minnie spoke. “Duh, she did her daily rejection therapy, of course.”
You shook your head and chuckled at her. “It’s not rejection therapy, Minnie.”
“Oh please, Huang Renjun could literally stomp at your feet and you’ll still show up with freshly baked cookies the next day.” Minnie was annoyed more than anything, but you still smile at her. You know she means well.
You chose not to answer because really, what’s there to say? Minnie might sound mean, but she’s just telling the truth.
Huang Renjun has rejected you more times than you can remember. Honestly, you think you’re immune to it now. Sometimes, you find it really interesting that he just won’t budge, at all. He hates your guts, but as long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and he doesn’t verbally say to your face that he hates you, technically, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.
Much more women do worse, actually. Renjun’s really popular with women, despite the attitude and sass he possessed. Some girls are intrigued, curious as to how they could get with Renjun. Going further as to literally kneeling in front of him just to sleep with him. Poor Kim Chaeyon.
You’re not at that level of extremities yet, thank god.
Although he was picky, he did kind of have a fair share of girls. Some students call the girls he’s been with the chosen ones, making you laugh. Renjun has a standard, and he likes to abide by it.
Unlike his friends, Renjun can count in his fingers how many girls he was with. And boy, were they special.
Renjun is picky. He’s not someone you can just get together with just because you’re pretty. His standards are sky high, but hey, they don’t call you Birdie for no reason.
“I don’t get why you keep on pursuing Renjun, to be honest. Yeah, I heard he’s hot shit, but come on. You’re Y/n. NCU Cheersquad Captain, Thee Bird, and not to mention, a Mathematics Olympiad runner up. You’re like.. Einstein’s hot little sister.” Minnie didn’t stop, even after class she blabbered about your undying admiration for Renjun, claiming it doesn’t make sense to her.
It doesn’t really matter how many times Minnie likes to remind you that Renjun isn't worth your time, your answer stays the same.
“I just like him. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, Minnie.” You say casually as you bite into your apple.
“Ugh! You’re insufferable,” She says before standing up and stomping her way out. You just laughed at her reaction. Minnie’s easily pissed, and it amuses you.
It’s past five when you finished your day, ready to head back to your apartment. Your routine was consistent, it sometimes just differs depending on your practice and classes. You never really enjoyed going out with your friends, not a party-goer, and most especially, you’re not really amused by other boys, much to your friend’s dismay.
There have been attempts, here and there, of trying to pursue you. You just don’t feel like giving attention to any of them, when you already set your eyes on someone. It feels like a waste of time.
When you enter your dorm, you see Julie, all dressed up and ready to go out. You eye her up and down and give her a smile. “Going on a date?”
“Yeah, uh,” You notice she’s struggling to clasp her bracelet, so you try and help her with it.
“That dress looks cute on you,” you compliment her.
Julie never really dresses up for dates, well, at least you don’t see her getting this dolled up for a date. You have always questioned that, because she’s always out on dates and she looks good in dresses as well. But hey, each to their own.
“Thanks, y/n.” She replies with a forced smile, but you assumed it’s because she’s nervous.
You walk inside further, leaving her in the doorway putting her shoes. “Hey, don’t forget your keys.” You remind her.
“Uhm, I think I won’t need them.” Your smirk got even wider at her response, understanding exactly what she meant.
“You go, girl. Enjoy your date.” You giggled before you entered your room.
You sigh as soon as your back hits the soft mattress, relieved that you’re now in the comfort of your own home. You don’t let your eyes rest for more than three minutes because you have papers to finish tonight and you don’t intend to accidentally pass out earlier than what you’ve planned.
You did your basic night routine, ready to turn on netflix before drowning yourself in papers.
Your last step was to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, but before that, you shoot a text to the one who matters to you the most.
[8:01] to: renjun <3
just got home! i hope u ate some of the brownies from earlier, it’s really good! enjoy your night and see you tomorrow, renjunnie!
xoxo -y/n
[9:05 read]
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Just go talk to him, y/n. Get your mind off that Renjun boy.” You roll your eyes at Minnie who nudges you.
You don’t know why people even attempt to ask you out. You’ve made it clear that you only have eyes for Renjun, and the fact that you never went out with anyone should’ve made it obvious. Do you have to write it across your forehead?
Sungchan’s nice. Really tall, not bad with the eyes either, and from what you’ve heard he’s a real sweetheart. Not a bad bone on his body. A perfect man, maybe, but not for you. Nobody really is for you unless it’s... well, you get it.
“Listen, atleast I tried, right?” He snickers, but you can tell it’s unenthusiastic.
“I’m sorry, Sungchan.”
“Should’ve listened to Jeno,” He whispers, one you can’t make out but you didn’t push. He then bids you goodbye, but before leaving, he asks you if you two could be friends.
“Of course, we can be friends, Sungchan.” You’re glad he offered to be one, at least you don’t turn him down in every possible way. There’s still something there.
He smiles at you again and now fully walks away. You also stood up and turned around, but when you do, you see Renjun, on the sidelines talking to Jeno and Yangyang.
Speak of the Angel.
You widen your eyes in great surprise, smiling ear to ear as you see him, hands folded in his chest. Seeing him instantly brightens your mood— even looking like the most intimidating person ever.
You silently run back, putting an extra hop in every step. You stop where Renjun is, and waved at him.
“Good morning,” you smile at him. You always give your best smile towards him, and not that you put an extra effort to, but he just brings it out of you. A magic pull, in some ways.
He takes a deep breath, “Morning,” he muttered, not even sparing you a glance before going back to whatever they were talking about.
You don’t know why, but you still stood there. You’re waiting for something, but you don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe, it’s just an excuse to look at him longer.
“What time is your lunch? Wanna grab lunch later?” You ask and you hear Jeno snorts on his side..
“I’m in the middle of a conversation, do you mind?” Renjun says, again with his usual cold tone towards you. In some twisted way, it made your chest flutter.
“You’re really cute,” you say, making both Jeno and Yangyang laugh. You don’t know what they find so funny. You’re just telling the truth. Renjun’s cute when he gets grumpy. Tho, sometimes you wish it’s not directly at you.
Renjun closes his eyes in frustration and grunts, you can tell there’s another strong statement that’s boiling in his mind. Before he could though, you heard Minnie’s voice from afar.
“Birdie! Practice back on!”
“Oh, gotta go. Bye Renjun!” You say in your most cheerful voice, throwing him a wink before running back to your squad.
You giggle as you run through the field. You got to talk to Renjun!
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Today, you’re opening auditions for the squad, to prepare for the upcoming cheerdance.
Pulling up your phone to track the time, 6:54am.
You carefully place the cupcake on the box, getting rid of your pink mittens and finally, a perfectly tied bow to finish it off.
A glimmer of a smile appears on your face as you admire the box.
Packing it safely, you made your way out of your apartment, looking at your wrist watch, 8:32am.
"Just on time." You whispered to yourself.
"Hi, y/n!" A junior student greeted you as you passed by, which you bowed back. "Hello!"
"Good morning, y/n." You waved back to another student.
Finally, reaching up to the fourth floor, you strutted yourself to the empty hallways until you reached the abandoned elementary library.
"Do Not Entry" It says on the door.
Knocking three times, finally, someone opened.
"Oh, hi, y/n-ie. I'm guessing this is for Renjun?" Jaemin, with his sweet smile, asked as his eyes fixed on the box you were holding.
"Hi, Jaemin. Yeah. Is he here yet?" You tried looking pass Jaemin,into the room, but to no avail, as he was literally blocking everything inside.
"No but I'll make sure he got this, alright?" Jaemin grabbed the lunchbox from you, not missing the opportunity to wink at you.
"Oh. I guess he's late. Okay, Jaemin. Thanks." Disappointed that you didn't get to see your Renjun, you turned around bitterly.
You decided to just get to your first class early. Only a few people was in the room, because its quite early for the class to start. You crossed your arms over the desk and rest your head.
You're sure Renjun's just running late. Biting your lip,
You pulled out your phone, texting Renjun.
[9:01am] to: renjun
hi goodmorning! i brought u a cupcakes today. are u running late? be safe! xoxo -y/n
You didn’t see him the entire day, and even though you tried to focus on other things, your day didn’t seem complete without seeing his face. But you didn’t let it ruin your day, of course. You’re sure tomorrow, you’ll get to see him again.
You hop your way back to your apartment, with your laptop bag on hand. It’s getting chilly, you notice. You thought about what you’ll eat for dinner when you exit the elevator.
You were about to take a step out, when you see someone in front of your apartment, hugging whom you assume is your roommate.
You can’t be mistaken. You’re sure it was Renjun. You can never mistake him for someone else.
Renjun’s hugging Julie, before smiling at her and letting her enter the apartment.
Your lips fall ajar, baffled at what you saw. Your clutch in your bag tightens, and you feel sick. Renjun and Julie? Since when?
You immediately step back into the elevator, pushing the button desperately, just to get it to close. You don’t know if you can look Renjun in the eyes, at least not right now.
When it slowly closes, you still stand there frozen. In a split second, in the tiny gap of the elevator, you see his face. And there, you see the shock on his eyes. But before anything else happens, the elevator closes.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
That night, you slept at Minnie’s apartment. You were lucky that her roommate’s nice enough to let you, although Minnie says that you don’t ever need any permission to sleep over at hers. You smiled at the thought that at least, you have Minnie.
It was rough, to say the least. You weren't a stranger to heartbreak, especially when it comes to Renjun. You’ve literally liked him for so long, and you’ve witnessed him with girls before. This one’s just special because it’s your roommate. It’s Julie, for christ sake.
She witnessed your Renjun shenanigans for months. She would even laugh at you for waking up early just to prepare food for Renjun. God, you sure looked stupid.
Despite Minnie’s disapproval, you still sent a text to Julie, informing her that you wouldn’t be going home tonight. You still apologize for making her wait, if she ever did wait for you. You never received a reply back, but she’s just probably asleep by now.
The next morning was tough. You don’t know if you should still bring snacks to Renjun, maybe you should respect his relationship with Julie. So you didn’t.
You went to the campus half asleep, Minnie offering to buy you a drink from the cafe. You seriously can’t thank her enough.
Sunghoon was the first one to greet you at the gymnasium.
“Hey, captain!” He waves, completely oblivious to your bad mood. However, you still waved back and gave him a smile.
“How many are auditioning?” You ask as you sit in one of the chairs that's laid out.
“Thirty? I don’t know, but I recall seeing your roommate on the list tho? You never told me that your roommate’s interested in Cheerleading?”
You froze. Julie’s auditioning? You might just pull your hair out. You really cannot catch a break, huh?
You scan the paper he held out, and much to your dismay, her name’s listed. Han Julie.
You mentally curse at yourself.
And in some effed’ up timing, you hear a couple of steps coming in the gymnasium. You assumed it was your other teammates, or one of the students that's auditioning, but you were dead wrong.
Sunghoon stood up, looking at your back since you’re seated facing back at the hall.
“Oh? Renjun, Haechan and Jaemin’s here.” He says in a casual tone, you, on the other hand, just wanted the floor to eat you alive. There’s no way this is happening to you right now.
“Can you deal with them for a bit? I have a headache,” You rub your temples to up your acting, Sunghoon obediently nodding and walking towards them.
But before you can even catch a breather, Sunghoon returns.
“They want to talk to the captain, Birdie,” He says carefully, afraid to piss you off. But you can never be pissed off, silly Sunghoon.
You smiled, and stood up. You start walking towards the three men who stands out like a sore thumb, with Haechan’s leather jacket and Jaemin’s baggy ripped jeans. Renjun, still looks like an angel, and in your eyes, he fits wherever he goes.
“Hey, hi. You guys need something?” You ask, in your usual tone. Avoiding looking at Renjun because you know you can’t help but to melt in his stare.
“Hi, birdie. Actually,” Jaemin smiled, grabbing Renjun’s shoulder and pushing him slightly towards you. “--Renjun here, just dragged us here. Apparently, he wants to talk to you!” He wiggles his brows excitedly.
“Oh?” You act surprised, now looking at Renjun because you literally have no choice.
“You want us to give you some space or—” Before Jaemin could even finish, Renjun interrupted him, grabbing at his friend’s forearms, to avoid him leaving.
“No, this’ll be quick,” His tone was cold, nothing new to you.
Haechan, on the other side of him, just looks bored. Honestly, he looks like he just woke up. But when he saw the other cheerleaders walk in, his body jolted. Typical.
“Listen, y/n.. uh,” Renjun clears his throat, “My friend.. Julie is auditioning. I just want to let you know that she’s really good at cheer and I want you to really consider letting her in the team.”
His friend? Oh, you want to throw up. He’s sick. He’s really… ah, he’s really done it now. You didn’t know Renjun could ever ruin your day, but wow.. He just did.
“Wait, what the fuck?” You hear Jaemin curse beside him, Haechan just letting out a laugh. You wanted to burst out in anger and bash his head in concrete, but that’s not very nice.
You decide that you can’t handle this kind of conversation at 9 in the freakin’ morning.
“Renjun, I would love to let her in the team, but she really needs to pass the auditions first. I’m not the only one who decides if a someone gets in. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t say anything, but let out a deep sigh. “Alright, I know she’ll pass the audition. Anyways, we’ll watch…”
You nod, not having the energy to keep up with him. You immediately turn your heels and you walk away. Yeah, this will be a long day.
Surprisingly, there’s a lot of people who showed up for the auditions. Apparently, some had an info that Haechan, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun are watching, (Jeno showing up half an hour after the other three arrived) and that’s when a wave of students came in.
You didn’t let your sour mood ruin your judgment, so you put on your big girl pants, and watched every audition in full professional mode. You don’t want to sabotage the team, by letting just about anyone join just because you’re not in the mood.
They were good, you have to point out some hopefuls that didn’t fit the criteria, in the nicest way you could. However, Minnie took her role as your ‘anger translator’ seriously.
“Are you sure you know what you were auditioning for?”
“Oh honey, you’re really good! You should really try to be a singer.”
Or sometimes, just cutting off the music mid-performance. Of course, you scolded her for that and let the girl continue, but there’s just no coming back from that.
“Babe, I’m sure you can work on your cartwheels a little bit better. If I’m still here by next year, just call me out and I’ll for sure get you in the team. But for now, you can practice, okay? You can even call me for guidance, okay?” You say softly at Sofia, after her performance. She just nods eagerly, but you can tell she was about to cry.
You really want to go up there and hug her, but you can’t because you’d have to do that with every single one you reject.
This is why you hate auditions.
You were still arranging the papers at your table, anticipating the next person when you heard Minnie curse.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
You whip your head up, seeing Julie walk up on the stage.
As soon as she stood in front, you knew she had knowledge in cheerleading. Her stance says it all.
She started the performance, and even if you want her to be bad, she isn’t. She’s really good, and it annoys you so much. God, why does she have to be good?
The routine she did wasn’t easy either, and she nailed it to the ground. Some of your team was actually impressed, and you can’t lie and say you weren’t. That back handspring was perfect, to say the least.
“You guys know that we judge not only with skills, but with personality and attitude as well, right?” Minnie just sounded eerily like a mean girl, saying it to your team but also loud enough for Julie to hear.
You silently nudged her, earning a whine from Minnie but you looked at Julie instead, giving her a smile.
You don’t know what to say, to be honest. Your cheerleading captain side of you, says that this girl is perfect for the team. But the y/n part of you wants nothing to do with her.
You roam your eyes across the bleachers and like a magnet, your eyes swiftly went to him. Surprisingly, he’s also looking at you. Or at your direction, at least.
His elbows are in his knees, his entire upper body leaning his height on his elbows. He looks to be anticipating your answer, because at the end of the day, what you say goes.
You took one final breath before tapping your pen. You look up at Julie, and finally, giving her a wide smile.
“Welcome to the team.”
A mix of cheers, clapping and a curse from Minnie fills your ears. You look up, back at Renjun, seeing him smiling and clapping his hands as well. You look down, ignoring the ache you’ve got going on in your chest.
You hope you won’t regret this decision. You really hope so.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“That’s fucked up, you know. That’s really fucked up,” Jaemin won’t stop bitching up until they got home to their apartment, and Renjun just wants him to stop.
In his head, there’s nothing wrong with what he did. He tried to help a friend, to get a spot she fully deserved. He just did a favor, but it seems to Jaemin that it means he’s a horrible person.
“She passed the audition, Jaem. I didn’t do anything,” Renjun says, stirring his iced americano in hand.
“Yeah but d’you really need to talk to Birdie about it? Like dude, everybody in this world knows that she’s head over heels for you. Then you get in her face talking trying to get some other chic on her team? That’s messed up!”
“She’s the captain of the cheerleading squad! Who else am I supposed to talk to?” Renjun can’t see where he ‘messed up’.
Sure, he did have a hint that you were affected with his whole situation about Julie, especially when he saw you at the elevator that night. You looked genuinely hurt, but there’s nothing he could do about it.
He told you many times that he wasn’t interested. He doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t just stop seeing other people because of you.
“Man, I say she deserves it.” Haechan joins in the conversation, taking a sip from Renjun’s drink.
Jaemin gives him a disgusted look, “You’re such a hater, Lee Haechan.”
“She deserved to be treated the way Renjun does, especially when she did those things before, right, Renjunnie?” Haechan scoots up into Renjun’s side, leaning his head onto the boy’s shoulder.
“Come on, that was years ago! You can see she clearly regrets it by now,” Jaemin continued to be at your defense, confusing Renjun as to why because he has never seen you two around each other. Jaemin doesn’t know you like he knows you.
“Do you wanna be with her, Jaem?” Jeno joins in and smirks at Jaemin.
“No! Of course not! I won’t do Renjunnie like that!” Jaemin quickly on the defensive state.
“I’m literally right here?” He states, reminding his friends of his presence because they seem to talk about him like he wasn’t in the room.
“What I’m saying is, can’t you just put all those things behind you now? I just feel bad for the girl,”
In Renjun’s head, Jaemin makes a lot of sense. And yeah, Renjun really did tried to forget all of the things that happened in the past.
He tried to leave it all behind and just completely start fresh. Because really, he’s got way better life now. He basically could have the world now if he wanted to.
Wouldn’t it be better if he left all his baggage behind?
Unfortunately, all those are all easier said than done. Considering that everytime he looks at you, he’s just reminded of the fact that you made his life miserable for your own gain.
He relates your smiles to all the tears he had way back when he needed you the most.
For everyone else, you were an angel in disguise. To him, you were the devil he once loved.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
A few years back
Ever since you were ten, you’ve dreamed of being a cheerleader.
The entire saga of Bring It On was your lifeline as a kid, and every part of that movie is engraved in your mind. Every dialogue, every routine and every single pose in that movie is burned in your brain.
Ever since then, you knew you’d be a cheerleader.
Whatever it takes.
It was summer, you remember it vividly, sophomore year when you met Renjun.
Your first meeting didn’t go well, though. You still laugh when you think about it.
It was the first day Renjun moved to your school. The teachers announced a Chinese boy joining the class, and you were excited.
Then here goes a pale and soft looking boy walking into class, with a pair of glasses and a bag that looks heavier than him. You were dumb, of course, assuming that Renjun would only speak strictly Chinese.
So you pulled your phone out, and tried searching Chinese words to impress the boy.
You finally chose one and practiced it over and over, and when you decided you were comfortable enough, you approached him.
“See-sow-jian zai na-lee?”
You tried your best to not sound like an asshole, but you really wanted to strike a conversation with him. He looks at you oddly, blinks a couple of times before he breaks into laughter.
“You’re asking me… where’s the bathroom?”
You were shocked to hear him speak your language fluently. You furrow your brows before smiling at him, as he keeps on laughing. You found it somewhat cute.
And ever since then, you became friends with Renjun.
He was timid, shy and overall an introvert but you liked that about him. You like that he’s not some cringy highschool boy trying to impress you or other girls. He’s just unapologetically him.
“Wait, what homework!?” You panicked as you try to backtrack your classes from yesterday, remembering if you did in fact had homework that you missed out on.
“Geometry, stupid. Here, copy some of mine,” Renjun pulls his notes out, allowing you to completely copy off of him.
You thanked him furiously as you tried to tweak some of the details off his homework, but ended up copying it as it is. Renjun didn’t complain, he finds you cute when you cram.
The class ended and both of you got a perfect score on your homework, and you got Renjun to thank for that.
So the following morning, you begged your mother for a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, and packed it carefully with a ribbon on top. This was the only thing you could think of giving him, as a thank you.
“D’you like choco-chip cookie?” You ask, as if you’re just asking a random question. You see him furrowing his brows at your sudden question, but smiles otherwise.
“Yes. I love home baked ones,” He answers, still smiling at you.
You take that chance to grab the pink container on your bag and give it to him. “Mom baked those,”
He was speechless at first, looking at the cookies, before looking back at you with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen. “Wow. Thank you, y/n. This is like… the first time I’ve received a gift like this.”
“Well, buckle up dude. There will be a lot coming from now on.”
You and Renjun became inseparable after that day. Having Renjun by your side swiftly became a norm for you, to a point you’re comfortable in saying that Renjun’s your person. It kind of feels that he was always meant to be with you, and you’re meant to be with him.
You never really found the need to find more friends than him, he just filled that need himself.
The first bump in your friendship happened three months after that day.
Renjun quickly became the talk of the school, and the longer he settled in, students started to notice just how good looking he actually is. He barely wears his glasses now, and he styled his hair differently. But Renjun never seems to realize the attention he was getting from it.
You never thought it would affect the friendship you had, when you yourself have been making efforts to make friends other than him. However, your sole reason was to just be familiar with the school, because you’re planning to audition for cheerleading this semester. Renjun was still at the top of your priority, you still think of him as your best friend.
You were waiting at the library for him, this has been your daily routine since you’ve been friends. At first, you thought you were just early, or maybe there has been a change with his schedule so you just thought he’d be late.
But the library alerting you that they’ll close in five minutes snaps you from that thought.
You got hurt, yes, but not too much where you had to ask him to apologize. Naturally, you just gave him the benefit of a doubt and think that he just maybe forgot. He did apologize the morning after, and you just kind of forgave him after that.
However, when it happened for the second time, that’s when you question if he really just forgot or he just never really wanted to hang out with you anymore.
It sucks, sure, and you wish you didn’t attach yourself to him as much as you did, but you were never a confrontational person so again, you just let it happen. This time, you don’t make an effort in hanging out with him, and actually try to avoid him.
On the evil part of your brain, you thought that maybe, you were just a stepping stone for him to climb up the status quo, and now that he was popular, he doesn’t find any real use to be your friend anymore.
You hate to think about that, because the guilt of even thinking bad about someone as nice as Renjun eats you up inside.
You focused on your own, starting to work on your goals solely and completely stopped hanging out with him. It seems like he has found a new friend circle, and you assumed that’s just how it ends.
You sat by yourself in the cafeteria, planning to just ditch lunch for today. You look like a complete loser, and you don’t want to spend more time wallowing in your sorrows alone. Before you could stand up and leave, you saw Renjun walking in, with his friends.
He was drastically different than the first time you saw him, and it feels like he’s not the same person. But when he laughs at something his friend says, his smile stays the same, reminding you that he’s still somewhat your Renjun.
You sigh and look away, and on your second attempt at leaving the area, somebody sat across from you.
“Y/n?” He asks, with his brows lifted as if genuinely curious.
“Yeah?” You kind of recognize him, but nothing really pops up in your head.
“Hi, I’m Kim Sunwoo. I’m part of the Cheerleading squad and our captain told me to speak to you.”
You froze on the spot. That’s where you remember him from!
You’ve been watching the cheerleaders at the sidelines recently, in hopes to get hints and further knowledge about the team. You were fascinated, of course, because you feel like you’ve always belonged in that team.
You loved watching them, it’s almost like you’re almost living the life you’ve dreamed of. It feels like you’re on your own Bring It On movie.
Especially when you watch Uchinaga Eri, more known as Giselle, the flyer and the cheer captain.
She’s really great at what she does, and it motivates you to work even more harder to finally be on the same team as her.
“Y/N, right?” Giselle is now standing in front of you, looking at you like she was judging your form. You felt nervous, of course.
“Y-yeah.”
“You sent that audition tape?” She asks again, now looking at you from head to toe.
“Yes,” You say, although nervous, you managed to stand still. She reminds you of a mean girl, but that’s not always a bad thing. She just reeks of confidence, and you aspire to be that someday.
She smirks, looking back at her co-cheerleaders, and walked backwards, giving you space.
“Okay, then, y/n—” She clears her throat.
“—Front handspring, step out, back handspring, round off back handspring, step out, full twisting layout.”
Your eyes widen at her order, heart stumping off your chest. You’re wearing denim jeans! What the hell were you thinking!
You take a deep breath, before pulling your bag over your shoulder.
This is the moment that could potentially write your future, y/n.
You shake your hands, letting your body loose before walking back to gain your momentum. That routine is a lot, and you’re gonna need a lot of space.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. You’ve practiced this before. You’re just gonna have to put them all together! It’s easy!
Deep breaths.
Okay.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
You walk out of the stadium overjoyed, gripping the plastic that was given to you— containing your own cheer uniform. You let yourself shriek quietly in excitement.
You made it to the team. Torrence Shipman would be proud.
Over your small celebration by yourself, you hear somebody call for your name.
“Y/n.”
You whip your head over to where it came from, standing there with a bouquet of tulips in his hand, is a face you’ve missed dearly.
“Renjun,” you softly say, not registering that he’s now walking up to you.
He hands you the flowers, and you accept them despite your state of confusion as to why he’s approaching you now. Yellow tulips.
“Do— uhm, do you need something?” You feel that darn butterflies fluttering in your stomach again, as he stands before you.
“No, no. Uhm, I don’t— ah, shit. Okay,” He inhales, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I haven’t hung out with you recently and If you ever felt that I abandoned you, I’m sorry. I was just really scared—“
“I got in,” you say to him, smiling ear to ear.
“—because I was a cow– what?”
“I got in the cheerleading team!” You yell excitedly, opening your arms to hug him tight. You didn’t care, you’re just so happy right now. What made it better is him, being here.
It takes him a full second to hug you back, burying his face on your neck. “I’m so proud of you.”
And with that, you felt like you won twice today.
You got a spot on the squad, and you got your Renjun back.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Today
It has been a few weeks after the auditions, and it’s safe to say that you’re not feeling well.
Back-to-back exams, training the new members of the squad and working on side projects for school credit has been killing you these days.
Being a Cheer captain is a heavy weight to carry. You need to succeed in both cheerleading and academics, and the responsibilities sometimes get overwhelming. You never once complained tho, because you wanted this. You needed this.
Cheer is the only thing that made your life make sense. And well.. Renjun too, of course. So there will be times like this. But you’ll endure it, as you should.
Not to mention the emotional torture of having to see Renjun and Julie all the time, thanks to Julie inviting him over everytime she’s got a chance.
Just like tonight. You were exhausted from all the school activities and you just want the comfort of your bed. So when you finally enter your apartment, to your dismay, you see Haechan, Jaemin, Renjun and Julie snuggled up in the couch of your apartment, watching some movie you didn’t care to look.
Your body is sore, and so is your brain. If you have a choice, you’d take a vacation to anywhere else than your apartment right now.
And although you already accepted the fact that Renjun and Julie has got something going on between them, it’s still a stab in your chest everytime you see them together.
“Hey, uh, Birdie, I invited them over for a movie night.. I just thought you’d be over at Minnie’s. I’m sure you don’t mind, right?”
You smile at them. “Oh, no. Enjoy your movie. I’m a bit tired so.. I’ll just head in.” You say, not exactly welcoming as you want to be, but you just can’t be energetic as you usually are tonight.
You see Jaemin waving at you, Haechan not acknowledging your presence as always, and Renjun sparing you half a second glance before focusing back on the movie.
You head straight to the kitchen, hoping to see anything that could fill your stomach. You just need to eat and then pass out for the night. You can’t find time to mend your broken heart, when your entire body feels like convulsing the next minute.
“It’s been two weeks since the last brownie. Finally got tired, huh?”
You look back at whoever’s speaking, and to your unpleasant surprise, it’s just Haechan walking over the kitchen.
“I just got busy, Haechan.” You say, managing to smile at him.
“You and your damn cheerful attitude. Still gonna pretend like you’re the perfect little birdie?” Even tho his voice was quiet, his tone still pierced through you.
“I’m not quite sure how I should respond to that,”
“Of course you don’t. You’re always nice. Whoever that bitch that fucked my friend over years ago is long gone, right?” His smirk splattered all over his face makes your eye twitch.
God, you know hate is a strong word to describe an emotion. You’re not one to hate on anybody. But you give yourself a pass, because you just maybe hate Lee Haechan right now.
“Haechan, please. I just want to rest.” You say, closing your eyes frustratedly.
“Sure. And just so you know, he’s very happy with Julie right now. She treats him better than you— fuck it, she cheers better than you too.”
He just had to hit you where it hurts the most, doesn’t he?
You wanted to curse at him, real bad. You wanted to yell, scream at him for pete’s sake. Your chest is heaving with animosity, to the point where you want to cry. But you kept your composure, at least until you weren’t in the safety of your own room.
“I understand Renjun is your friend, and you want to protect him. And I also do understand that you don’t know everything that went down between me and him so I’ll just try and ignore everything you say to me. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to bed.”
You left Haechan in the kitchen, the growling of your stomach long forgotten. You don’t think you could still have an appetite after that.
The hunger you feel was overpowered by the tears you want to let out.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
You’re awoken by pounding in your head, nose stuffed and difficulty breathing. You were convulsing. You had a hunch that you’re having a fever before you even went to bed— but chose to ignore it and just sleep on it.
Which you know to be a bad decision now that you’re drowning in your own sweat and tears.
You needed something. Advil— whatever the fuck is available to you. You need to get up.
Dragging your feet and standing up from your bed, you immediately feel like you’re going to faint. This might be the worst fever you’ve gotten so far.
You get your phone to call Minnie, she’s only in the next building. You see that it’s not even 3 hours when you went to bed. There’s clattering sounds outside your room and you’re sure they’re still out there.
Minnie didn’t pick up, meaning you’d have to fend for yourself.
You close your eyes in frustration, even your eyelids burns.
Shit, you have practice tomorrow.
You grab your oversized hoodie and ultimately decided to just go out in the kitchen, and find the medicine kit. There’s one out there, you knew it for sure because you were the one who put it there.
You really don’t want to look like a sick girl out there, so you just buried yourself with the hoodie.
You make your way to the kitchen, and to some poop luck, they’re all there in the counter enjoying two pizza boxes. You practically salivate over the sight, but there’s no way you’d ask for some.
They all turn their heads at you, each having an expression you can’t read.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jaemin’s the only one who sounded concerned. You shake your head and smiled at him.
“I’m good. Just—” cough. “–need to get something.”
You see Renjun looking over at you with his brows furrowed, following your figure as you move around the counter. The medicine cabinet is exactly where he was standing, so you just muttered a weak ‘excuse me’.
“You don’t look good.” He says as soon as you stand next to him. You didn’t respond, but you just rummaged through the cabinet just to find anything.
You were stunned when you felt his hands over at yours, looking up at him with your confused eyes.
“You’re fucking burning up, y/n.”
He pulls your hood down, and then proceeds to put the backside of his hand on your forehead, checking your temperature. You were baffled, at his sudden concern but you don’t dwell on it, you physically think of anything but the raging headache you’re suffering from.
You gently swat his hands away, “I’m really okay… I just– Julie, where’s the Tylenol?”
She looks at you, as if you were interrupting something. “Don’t you keep them in your room? You didn’t have to come out,”
You shake your head and you almost respond, before Renjun cuts you off.
“You should lay down, I’ll call someone,” He says strictly.
“What? Dude, she says she’s fine. She’ll live!” Haechan interjects, but Jaemin hits him on his shoulder.
“She’s literally dying, Haechan. Are you fucking blind?” Jaemin.
Haechan rolls his eyes, whispering something about ‘attention’ and Julie looking at him with a smirk.
You didn’t have the energy to be offended or anything, and you’re almost sure the world’s spinning.
Before you know it, you heard Renjun curse and that’s when your vision turns absolutely pitch black.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Probably just over fatigue, just a little bit of rest and she should be okay.”
Renjun rubs his temple as he sighed a thank you to Nurse Suh through the phone.
“I told you, she’s just really over dramatic sometimes,” Julie says, in a comforting way, massaging Renjun’s shoulder. He was sitting in a single chair beside the couch, where you were laying on.
He bit his lip, looking over at your figure sleeping soundly. He doesn’t even know why he’s still here, Jaemin and Haechan already left half an hour ago.
“Why’re you even so worried, Renjunnie?” Julie chuckles.
“She literally fainted in front of us. Why aren’t you worried? You’re her roommate,”
Julie looks to the side, straightening up. “Yeah, but we were never close,” Renjun frowned at her response, but still shrugged it off.
Honestly speaking, Renjun really did kind of snapped the moment you fainted. He was scared to death, he knew you weren’t feeling good the moment you entered the kitchen. And when you passed out, he felt the air snatched from his lungs.
He panicked, he admits. And he hates it so much, the way he acted. He wasn’t supposed to care. But what can he do when you literally faint in front of him? Every decent human being would do what he did.
Except maybe the part where he woke up a school nurse in the middle of the night in panic and sat beside you for three hours trying to monitor your temperature waiting for you to wake up.
When your temperature finally seemed to had gone down, that’s when he decided to go home. And on the walk back to his car, he silently drove back to his apartment, simmering on his own thoughts, disappointed in himself.
“I hate her so much.” He says to himself, more so convincing himself. Even his body seemed to detect his lies, every word burns in his tongue.
Among the texts you sent him, he finally texts you first.
[12:37 am] renjun: take a break.
Why can’t he just.. let you be? Why do you affect him this much? Still, after all this time?
He blames you. He blames your consistency. He blames your overconfidence, every time you look at him. He blames you for smiling at him every chance you get. He blames those stupid fucking cookies you give him everyday. He blames your entire personality, making him melt in a puddle every single time. And more importantly, he blames you for acting like you’ve never done anything wrong.
You make him feel like everything that happened in the past was a mere imagination. Like the pain he felt was a pigment of his own mind. Because no normal person would act the way you do if they’re aware of the damage they did to another person.
However, what kills him the most is the way he still wants to hold your stupid hand and kiss you in your stupid lips. He would never admit it, even to the devil himself, that after all that’s said and done, he’d still adore you with your hands around his neck.
“I told her to take a fucking break. What in the hell is she doing?!” He muttered to himself when he saw you doing stretches on the matted floor of the gymnasium. He had gone down there in disguise of visiting Julie, but in reality, he just wanted to check if your stubborn self didn’t listen to him.
“Chill out.” He hears Haechan on his side. Haechan tagged along with him, as always, under the excuse of wanting to see Jeno practice. Who’s he kidding? He’s here to check out the cheerleaders.
Jaemin was on his side too, having no classes to attend and not much better to do, he just went along.
“You’re so sweet, that’s for me?” Julie’s high pitched voice slashed through his ears, and that’s the only reason he even saw her in the first place. He caught himself staring at you and he immediately brought all his attention to Julie.
“Uh, yeah.” He lied, giving Julie the gatorade that was supposed to be for you, but he felt stupid giving it out to you. It’s embarrassing.
He watched at the sidelines, along with his two friends. His eyes were laser focused on you, and when you suddenly slipped during one of your stunts, his whole body flinched like a reflex.
“At least try to not be so obvious, Injunnie.” Jaemin laughed beside him.
“Shut up, dude. I just had a few extra cups of coffee today.” Even he, himself, cringed at his stupid excuse.
“I thought we hate her, dude? Come on, stand the fuck up! She’s playing you dude. I hate girls like that, acting all perfect and cheery when she literally fucked you over before.” Haechan complained, following it with a huff on his side.
“I still don’t like her, at all, okay? I’m here for Julie, and no one else.”
“Sure, Injunnie.” Jaemin folds his arms on his chest, a playful smirk playing on his lips.
“Say it with me, Injun. We hate Birdie!” Haechan says with two clenched fists moving simultaneously up and down.
“You know what, Haechan, with the way you’re bitching all the time, why don’t you wear the cheer uniform and pompoms?” Jaemin snickers, earning a hit from Haechan.
“Fuck you,” Haechan spits.
“Sorry, honey, but I don’t swing that way. And even if I do, you wouldn’t even reach the list.” Jaemin and Haechan continued to bicker, with Renjun in between.
He’s still deep in his own thoughts, remembering that he shouldn’t even look at you right now. He has Julie, and that’s what he should be focusing on. Not you.
But when he invited Julie back to his place, and he found your lingering eyes amidst the crowd, with a hint of pain splattered on your pretty face, he almost wanted to push Julie off of him and run to you.
And at that moment, he curses at himself.
He cares.
He still cares.
He will always care.
And that’s his fucking problem.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“The game’s in two weeks, and you all should’ve nailed the routine by now. What is going on here?”
Coach Evie goes on rampage with the squad, most of the blame pointed at you.
“Y/n, I will only say this once. You’ve been chosen as the captain of this squad for a reason. Don’t make me doubt you.”
This was the first time you felt upset. Not because of the rage that was poured onto you, but because you knew Coach Evie was right. You have not been giving your all these past few days.
There’s something wrong with you. Emotionally and physically.
Ever since the incident that happened last practice, you find it hard to do all the routines because of your left knee. You didn’t want to think about it, hoping it would just go away.
It never did.
Emotionally, you felt horrible as well. Renjun was still with Julie, and from what you can see, they look like they’ll be together for a while. It hurts, yes, but there’s not much you can do about it. It’s never your forte to force yourself onto a man that’s spoken for.
So you decided to take a break. Maybe a few days without practice will do you and the squad good. You focused on your studies, your classes and other stuff.
That’s why you found yourself in the middle of a random basketball player’s party Thursday night. You came with Minnie, and in typical Minnie fashion, she disappeared with a random stranger within twenty minutes into the party.
This wasn’t what’s on your mind at all when you say that you needed a break. But Minnie was persistent, saying everybody has been waiting for you to finally show up with one of these parties. Because again, this wasn’t your scene at all.
She basically guilt tripped you into attending.
“Oh, no, I don’t like alcohol.” You politely refused, for the nth time this night. Even though some were absolutely drunk and stubborn to accept rejection, you still politely responded to every single one of them.
“Shit, Birdie’s here!” You hear someone yell, and it turns out it was Sungchan, standing tall on the other side of the room pointing at where you were.
A small commotion breaks out, some even gasps at seeing you. You didn’t expect it to be this big of a deal, you didn’t know these people at all.
After Sungchan’s announcement of your attendance, people started swarming you. You didn’t want to say it because it sounds so cringe in your head, but you were as if a celebrity attended a random student’s party. It was odd.
“Hi Bird,” You flinched a bit when somebody suddenly pressed on your side, a strong smell of weed filling up your nostrils.
“Uh, hello.” You smile a little, taking a step away from the stranger. He smirks at you, biting his lip as he looks you up and down.
You press your cup of orange juice in your mouth as you look back at him.
“Fancy seeing you here,”
You furrow your eyes trying to remember him. You don’t want to be rude and disrespectful so you did try your best but you just can’t remember.
“I’m Eric, y’know.. basketball team?” He says to spark familiarity in your head and it sure did. That’s where you knew him from!
“Yeah! Yeah that’s right!” You sounded so proud of remembering him now that you‘re sure you looked stupid.
He laughs– a bit too much actually before stepping again in your space. You didn’t know what to do, because you don’t want to confront him causing unnecessary drama. There’s too many people in here and the last thing you want to do is to bring attention to yourself.
You silently prayed that Minnie finishes up quickly. You don’t know how to handle this kind of stuff.
“Wanna go somewhere quiet? Some privacy—”
“Really, dude?”
You prayed up above, but the devil spawned from down below. It was Haechan who showed up.
Eric rolled his eyes and looked at Haechan, muttering ‘whatever’ before leaving.
You finally take a breather, and close your eyes in relief. Even tho you think Haechan is a pain in your butt, his interference just saved you. You have to be grateful with that.
“Thanks.” You say sincerely.
“I didn’t do anything. What, you got tired of chasing Renjun’s tail and now you’re trying other options?” And there he goes again. As soon as you give him the benefit of a doubt, he goes right back in with his horrible remarks.
“I’m tired of this,” You say, wearing down your guard and putting your drink down on the counter.
“Finally! What a fucking relief. We also got tired of your pathetic ass running around my friend—“
“What did Renjun tell you to hate me like this, Haechan?”
He falls silent. Suddenly not knowing what to say, completely perplexed at your sudden change of tone.
“You don’t know what happened, Haechan. And all this time I’m trying to understand all your hatred towards me because I know you’ve been told one side of the story. And I know I was in the wrong—”
“Y/n.”
Your words hang in the air, swiftly looking over your shoulder seeing Renjun standing with his arms crossed along his chest, leaning his body on the counter.
Cheeks flushed, eyes droopy. He’s intoxicated.
“Renjun,” you whisper upon looking at him.
“Haechan, please leave.” Renjun slurred a bit in his words, but strict enough for Haechan to take it seriously.
“But she—“
“Leave.”
Haechan huffs, giving you one last glare before walking away.
You wipe away any tear that might’ve escaped your eyes, before gaining back your composure. You stand there before Renjun, not knowing what to say next. Should you leave? Should you stay?
“Your oven broke or something?”
His question caught you off guard. That’s definitely not what you’re expecting him to say. You’re confused, really, really confused.
“What?” You say almost breathless.
He smirks, letting his head fall backwards, eyes closed as he whispers something to himself, one you can’t quite understand.
“It’s been weeks, no cookies, no brownies or any bullshit you used to give me. What, you give up now, Birdie?”
The way your nickname falls off his lips so smoothly makes your heart thump in excitement. This is the first time he acknowledged you by the way everybody calls you. It sparked a light in your chest that maybe, just maybe, this is a step.
“N-no, I-I’m just.. respecting your relationship with my roommate.” You don’t even know why you had to mention it. You could’ve just lied and told him you were busy, but the atmosphere of being in a party fed your courage to be reckless.
“Relation— bullshit. Me and Julie aren’t together, at least yet.”
There he goes. He brings you up just to tear you down. It’s an endless roller coaster with him, but he would always be a ride you won’t ever regret.
“I thought you don’t like them,”
“I don’t. I like the fact that you’re trying so hard.”
“I don’t understand Renjun. What are you— do you want me to keep running after you?” You state, extremely nervous about what he’d say next. Every breath you take was calculated, every second mattered.
You don’t even know why you’re having this conversation with him when he’s clearly drunk. However, there could be no other opportunity for him to give you attention other than this.
“I don’t want you to do anything. I don’t want you, period. It’s just… why the fuck do you give up on me so easily?” His disencourage tone was evident, a slight hoarse in his throat made it obvious. He’s drunk. He doesn’t mean it.
“You’re with Jul—“
“I’m not— fuck!” He sounds like he’s running out of patience, gripping the edge of the counter as if to hold himself back.
“I’m asking you one more time, Renjun. Do you want me to keep trying? Do you want me to keep chasing you?”
This time, he looks at you with an intense gaze, saying the words that won’t come out of his lips, with a hint of resentment and despair. You know him too well.
You bite your lip as you try to hold back the tears threatening to escape again. “Because I will, Renjun. Just tell me the words.”
If anyone could hear you right now, they’d be horrified at how desperate you sound. You, the cheerleading captain, down so bad for a man to the point of begging to let you chase him desperately. You’re so ridiculous that it’s not even funny anymore.
Not that you would care. When it comes to Renjun, you’d do worse.
“Go home.” He spat, turning around just before your eyes started letting go of the tears you’ve been dangerously holding on to.
A dagger through the heart, but you are to blame. You're willing the blade through your own heart.
And you won’t have it any other way.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Ever since that party, you’ve discovered new courage— much like before.
You went back to baking sweets for Renjun, approaching him any chance you get, and smiling at him at all times. It’s like you were motivated to do things for him again.
Despite the glares Julie consistently gives you, you can’t find it in you to care. Renjun said it himself, they’re not together yet. He was practically saying you’re welcome to do anything you’d like.
Well maybe you assumed that but tomato, tomáto.
“Oh, hi Birdie. Long time no see, huh?” Jaemin’s smile was the first to greet you as you knocked in their hangout place.
“Hi, Jaemin. Renjun there?”
“No, but I’d gladly take that cookie off your hands and give it to him.” He nicely takes the box from you.
“Tell him good morning too.”
Jaemin chuckles and scratches his brow, “Sure thing, sugar.”
You don’t know what he finds funny, because you were serious. But oh well.
You happily walked back to your department, ready to take on one of your classes. A few waves to some students who greets you, stopping for some who attempt a conversation with you.
You remember what Minnie said, you’re always late because you don’t like ignoring people or saying no to a conversation, it doesn't matter who it is.
But you just really don’t like coming across rude. It feels wrong.
You were almost at your class when you stumbled upon Renjun walking in the hallway with his earphones on.
Smiling to yourself, you skip over to his side. All it takes was a soft tap on his shoulder before he takes off his earphones and turns around to look at whoever grabbed his attention.
“Hi, Renjun.” With the sweetest smile you have to offer.
“You need something?” You felt really giddy hearing his usual cold tone, his voice making you flutter.
“I brought you cookies up at your hangout place but you weren’t there. Jaeminnie took it so you can just get it from him. And oh, good morning!”
For a quick second, you see irritation across his eyes. Creasing his brows down at you.
“Since when is he ‘Jaeminnie’?”
Your smile faded, hinting something new at his demeanor. This is new. His tone was something different and the way he looks at you seemed far from what you’re used to.
Is he… no way.
“Since he..” You shook your head, “Nevermind. It’s freshly baked too so it would be good if you eat it as soon as possible. I don’t want you skipping breakfast or any meals—”
“Junnie.”
You snap your head back, only seeing Julie approaching you two. You almost scowl at her presence but you decide it’s not very nice to do. So you just kept the smile you had before and waved at Julie.
“I thought we’ll meet at the cafe?” Renjun asks, the change in the way he talks was prominent.
“I figured we should walk together..” The glance Julie gave you was short lived, obviously trying to question why you’re still here.
And to be honest, you don’t know too. You look pretty stupid standing in a conversation you don’t belong in.
You were about to walk away, when your name got called.
“Y/n!” You turn to see Sungchan, waving at you with a wide smile spread across his face.
“Hey, Sungchan.” You wave back.
He looks at the three of you, but ultimately keeps his focus on you. He seemed to read the room, and when you thought he’d sweep you away, he stood tall.
“Hey, Renjun, Julie. Uh,” he turns to you, “Mr. Hong canceled the class.”
“Oh really? Okay.” You nod, thinking where you should go. You turn to Renjun who’s looking at Sungchan, visibly irritated by the boy’s sudden appearance.
“We should go, Injunnie. The cafe could be crowded by the time we get there.” Julie clings onto his side, tugging him slightly.
“Dream cafe? I heard they’re giving out free croissants! Y/n, we should go with them!” Sungchan, way too enthusiastic as he put his arms around you. You flinch a bit, thinking about Renjun seeing it.
But when you see him and Julie, you opted to just let it be.
“I don’t—“
“Let’s go!” Sungchan pulls you with him, and you hesitantly walk with him. Renjun lets out a scoff, looking to the side before following.
“What are you doing?!” You whisper at Sungchan.
“I’m helping you, silly.” He answers quietly, and you wanted to ask for an explanation on how this is helping you, but you were greeted by a student walking by.
“What’s your order?” A lovely barista greeted Julie.
“Spanish Latte for me, Injunnie?” Iced Jasmine Tea. You silently whisper to yourself.
“Iced Jasmine Tea.” You smirk to your triumph. Little wins matter!
“Psh, simp.” You heard Sungchan on your side, you immediately elbowed him on his side. How the heck did he hear you?
“Shut up.” You growl at him, but quickly smile as you look ahead.
“How about our pastries?” You look to the side and there’s deliciously looking treats displayed. You would order one yourself, but you’d already eaten your own baked cookies.
“Cheesecake for me and.. you, Injunnie?” You note the additional pitch Julie adds in her voice whenever she talks to Renjun. She sounds cute.
“No thanks. I have cookies back at my place.”
You hitch your breath. Is he.. Is he talking about your cookies? The one you baked for him? Widening your eyes, you look at him in disbelief. Did he just acknowledge your cookies? Oh my god!
“Hi Birdie!” Your trance was cut-off by the barista’s enthusiastic approach, even waving excitedly at you.
“Jesus christ, Even outside the campus people know you?!” Sungchan asks in astonishment.
“Of course! I love her, she’s like one of the reasons I’m trying out cheerleading next year. That routine you did last summer was so perfect!” The barista gushed on and on, making your cheeks red.
“I’ll have Iced Americano and she’ll have..” Sungchan looked back at you.
“Caramel Macchiato, please.” You say sweetly, and the barista happily put your order in. You were about to pay cash, but before you could even bring out your wallet, a ping on the cashier.
You look back and see Sungchan smiling like an idiot after tapping his phone.
“I got that.” You complain.
“I got it first tho.” Sungchan smirked. You open your mouth to retort back, however, Renjun starts walking away— probably to one of the tables. You quickly follow pursuit.
“Hmm, so big game next week, huh?” Julie was the first to initiate the conversation.
“Oh, yeah. Uh, heard you guys are performing at the game?” Sungchan looked at you.
“Ye–”
“Of course. We’re already almost finished with the routine. Just kind of sucks that we had to take a break for no reason.” Julie says in the most oblivious way, as if she just said something casual.
You blink thrice, processing her words. Didn’t you need to take a break because she didn’t do her job causing you to have knee problems?
“I’m sorry about that,I just really needed to let my knee relax. But I'm alright now.” You still smiled and took a sip off your coffee.
“You hurt your knee?” Renjun’s sudden concern made the three of you look at him, but he didn’t even flinch. He’s still waiting for your response.
“Yeah uh, it’s just the usual… not that big of a deal.” You say, words stumbling upon your throat. You’re not used to him being like this.
“Didn’t I tell you to take a break?”
“I did…that’s why the practice got held back afew. But I’m fine now!” Your tone was cheerful, hopefully to convince him that you’re really doing okay now. You don’t know where this sudden concern about your well being came from but you’re not complaining either.
However, If looks could kill, Julie might’ve committed murder by now.
“She’s doing fine now… she’s Birdie, after all.” The sarcasm laced in her words are strong.
The tension was too much to handle, so you excused yourself.
As soon as you were in the bathroom, you let out a deep breath. You really don’t know how to handle confrontation. When someone’s being obviously rude towards you, you just fold.
There’s something really wrong with you. You can’t seem to be comfortable with defending yourself, or just straight up calling out people for their rude behavior. You’d rather just sit there and take it. You can’t even curse, for christ sake!
“Y/n.” You look at the mirror, only to see Julie entering the bathroom as well.
She looks upset. Like really, really upset.
“Hey Jul—”
“You know that me and Renjun are a thing, right?” You stop whatever you’re doing, and turn around to really face her. Did she have to lie straight to your face?
“According to him though, there’s nothing going on between you two.”
“Come on, you’re supposed to be smart. There’s clearly something there.” She rolls her eyes.
“And unless you and him say it verbatim, there’s nothing wrong here.” You shrug your shoulders.
“Are you hearing yourself? You sound ridiculous. What’s not clicking, y/n? Renjun hates you. He finds you annoying. He probably thinks you’re a desperate bi—”
“Julie, get the fuck out of my face. I’m not gonna say it twice,”
She let out a small gasp. You were shocked as well. You can’t believe that just came out of your mouth. You inhale and close your eyes, exhaling when you look at her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. But if you could just… just leave, please.”
“You’re gonna regret this, Birdie.” You can see that she meant the threat, and you can’t help but to feel anxious. You were about to question it but she walked out before you could do so.
When you go back to the table, Renjun and Julie are long gone. Apparently, Julie went on about feeling sick, and Renjun had to go with her.
“I really don’t get it, y/n. You really like that man? He’s clearly interested in Julie. And not to mention, he treats you like shit.” Sungchan was perplexed, to say the least.
You just gave him an apologetic smile and continued sipping your coffee. You’re tired of convincing people on why you’re into him.
They don’t need to understand. As long as it makes sense to you and Renjun, that’s enough.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Game night.
NCU vs SHU. Two universities that've been butting heads all year. Jeno leads the NCU neocats, whilst Dino leads the SCU ravens. You’re all in for NCU, of course.
The gymnasium was packed. The first game was on your campus, opening its gates for both universities for tonight’s game.
It’s always exciting, the marching band started playing, indicating that the game is about to start.
“Alright, guys! Warm up!” Coach Evie calls. You quickly sit on the grass, stretching your legs, reaching it with your fingertips.
Everybody else was stretching as well. But you can’t help but feel the daggers that've been throwing at you ever since practice.
Julie has been glaring at you. And you can’t help but feel anxious. You pull Minnie to the side.
“Switch main base with me?” You ask nicely.
“That would ruin the routine, Birdie. Why would you want to switch anyways?” She questions, kind of confused at your sudden request.
“I don’t feel secure with some of my support. It’s only for the toss, Minnie.” You didn’t want to say Julie’s name, careful not to single her out. But you also feel bad pertaining to all your main bases when they didn’t do anything at all.
“Oh, is it that bitch Julie? What happened? You want me to beat the lights out of her? Because I will—”
“You know what, nevermind. I hate that you resort to violence for anything, Minnie. That’s not very nice.”
Maybe you’re just paranoid. Julie won’t intentionally ruin your routine. She won’t.
Minnie kissed her teeth, putting her hands on her hips. “I know that you know switching main bases last minute is a horrible idea. You’re the captain, for christ sake. So that means one thing. Julie said something that would make you want to switch. I will keep an eye on her, don’t worry. If she tries shit, I will fuck her up, okay? Now go, captain. We’re about to start.” Minnie hugged you tight, stepping away after just to fix your bow.
You’re really glad you have Minnie. You wouldn’t know what to do without her.
You glance around the bleachers, finding someone that would definitely soothe your overthinking brain.
And there he was, in the midst of the busy crowd, looking graceful as always as he sat in between Haechan and Jaemin. It’s like seeing him made you calm down. The effect of his presence made you relax.
And as soon as he connects his sight to yours, he sighs. You thought he’d just look away, but he smiled. Mouthing the words, ‘Goodluck, Birdie’
You felt your chest burst, instantly nodding at him. You didn’t even think about it when you whispered the words you have always wanted to say.
‘I love you’
And then he visibly froze. But before he could react, Coach Evie called you.
You didn’t have a choice but to bring your attention back to the squad.
“Birdie, lead the squad. Alright, everybody. Finish the routine safely and perfectly. This is just the beginning. The real competition is the next game, the National Cheerleading Competition executives will be here as judges— they will pick a winner between you and Scarlet Heart. But that doesn’t mean y’all can slack on this one, alright?” Coach Evie really needs to work on her pep talk.
You sigh, shaking your entire body to loosen up. You were about to go into position when you noticed the entire squad looking at you.
“Whatchu wanna say, captain?” Minnie smiles at you, and you realize they’re waiting for you to say something.
“Oh, right, uh–” You clear your throat, “Cheer like it's your last?” You were unsure, and so as everybody, but Minnie, being the ever sweetheart that she is, she clapped and cheered.
As the announcer yelled for the NCU Squad, the familiar feeling rushed through your body. The adrenaline starts to creep in and you get high in the feeling. Everytime you perform, you get the chills that you have always craved. Like this was your calling. Like this has always been what you’re meant to do.
The music started, and you swore you had nothing on your mind. Your body moves on its own and it somehow perfect every single step. It was more of a reflex by this point, every position, every beat tatted in your brain.
But then there comes the part where you get tossed in the air. And although you memorized everything in the back of your head, this particular moment was extremely dangerous. You get tossed almost nine feet up in the air, and everything goes once it’s executed. So it’s natural to get nervous, however something’s not right.
You don’t have time to figure it out, the crowd already hyping you up. They know the climax of the routine, and that’s when the air lifts are performed. And you’re usually the person who gets thrown– so they know when it’s your turn.
“Birdie, Birdie, Birdie!”
You take a deep inhale, before starting to climb up on a couple of bases.You glance at the bleachers, finding your courage from one person but he isn’t where he’s at earlier. You didn’t have time to think about it, and on two counts, the bases started to gain momentum. And just right before you get thrown, you look at a pair of eyes that made your blood run cold.
The rage behind Julie’s eyes was evident. You performed the pose in the air, executed it perfectly, but when you’re about to land, everyone went silent.
Julie stepped back from her spot, causing you to land on your injured knee immediately the pain made you lose your balance.
A sharp, stabbing sensation shot through your leg. A searing pain lanced through your knee, buckling your leg. You hold it in place as you process the entire situation.
Everybody was silent. It felt like a slow motion, most of your squad immediately running to you. You can’t breathe. The initial shock felt like a dagger through the heart. Your jaw slacks, as you look at Julie running away from the field.
Minnie immediately shook you from your trance, and that’s when you looked at her. The pain has gotten worse when you snap back to reality. You felt your entire cheerleading career crumble in your hands. The tears follow through as you look up at Minnie.
“Minnie, I’m done..” You can’t believe it. “Oh my god, I’m done.”
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
A few years back
“Huang Renjun, you’re close with him, right?” Giselle asked.
“Yeah..” You hesitantly say. You saw her look back at Ningning, and they both smirked at each other.
“I was just asking.” Giselle shrugged, and even though you were sure that there’s underlying meaning behind her question.
It has been about three months since you got in the cheerleading squad, and to be honest, it has been underwhelming. Giselle rarely calls for practice, but she’s always in cheer uniform. She also only has very limited rotation between the team, mostly her, Ningning, and Yiren always in the center.
You? You were always at the back. Which you never complained about, because Giselle is the captain for a reason, what she says, goes. And you’re a newbie, there’s no room for complaints, especially from you.
“What happened? Why’d she call you?” Renjun’s soft voice instantly turns your mood up. He waited at the parking lot, leaning on his car as he watched you walk towards him.
As soon as you close the distance he smiles warmly, then proceeds to fix the hair that was all over your face, and tucks into your ear.
“She just asked a question,” You didn’t lie, technically. You just withhold a minor detail.
“Ready for tonight?” He smiles warmly at you. You nod excitingly at him.
Renjun promised to take you out on a ‘friendly’ date tonight. It’s one of his ways to make it up for the time he lost with you. You swear to him that he didn’t need to do all this, but he insisted that you come with this ‘date’ tonight.
You didn’t want to expect anything, but it’s hard not to when you’re literally head over heels with Renjun. A little assuming won’t hurt, sometimes.
“Are you sure I don’t need to change my clothes?” You pat down your pleated skirt, a bit conscious about your outfit. You were only wearing an oversized knitted sweater– and your everyday sneakers for this ‘date’.
Renjun is also rocking a casual outfit, but he still looks dashing. It's honestly not fair.
“No, I promise you, you look good in anything.”
There’s also a change in how Renjun talks to you. He talks to you with a bit of… flirting? You didn’t want to assume anything, again, but being delusional naturally is registered in your system.
You didn’t know where Renjun was taking you, but you didn’t care as long as you’re with him. Nothing could make this man look bad in your books.
When the car stops, your hand moves to the car door, but Renjun held your wrist.
“Come on, you don’t need to open the door for me.” You chuckle a bit, finding his chivalry cute.
“No, we don’t even need to leave the car.” You furrow your brows at him. As you turn your eyes on the front, you get suddenly blinded by a cinema sized LED screen.
You hitch your breath as the familiar movie starts.
“Bring It On!” You squeal, fascinated and somewhat perplexed as to how Renjun got this drive in cinema play a movie from the 2000s.
You turn to him with, corners of your mouth going up. He smiled back, reached at the backseat— and suddenly, a bouquet of yellow tulips separated your eyes from him.
You can’t help but blink rapidly, trying to make sense of it all. Is this an actual date? Not a friendly one? Whatever is going on right now, one thing’s for sure, you’re loving every second of it.
The movie started, and it feels like you’re straight out of a novel. However, as you try to relax, your fingers brush against his, and you swear you felt a slight spark.
At this very moment, the movie is long forgotten. All your undivided attention is on the way your skin feels hot, and your focus is on how to initiate more contact with Renjun.
“Want something to eat?” He asks softly, glancing at you with the sweetest eyes you could ever imagine.
“Not exactly that,” you let out an awkward chuckle and shifted in your seat.
“What’s the problem?” God, he’s so oblivious, you just want to jump his bones right now. You shake your head off with the dirty thoughts.
“Why– why’re we doing this? Why are you doing this, Renjun?” You gather courage to actually address the elephant in the room.
His jaw slacks but he swiftly kept his composure. “I thought you’d want to finish the movie first—”
“I’ve watched that movie 54 times. I could probably cite the next dialogue without thinking. So what is it, Renjunnie?”
He gulps one time, before he starts fidgeting with his hands. “I love you, y/n. I have loved you for a long time now and I was a coward because I had thought that a loser like me didn’t have the right to want you. So I gained my confidence, tried befriending other people to gain popularit–” Before he could even finish, you threw the bouquet on the back seat of his car and grabbed his collar. Next thing you know is you’re already making out with him on the passenger seat and you did not care about anything else.
You pulled away, breathless, “I love you too, Renjun.”
You could not take your hands off of each other as soon as you entered his apartment. He shared it with a guy named Donghyuck, but he was out tonight, which you thanked the heavens for.
“Y/n,” He whispers your name every chance he gets, which is not much since your lips are connected at every moment ever since you stepped foot in this apartment.
You didn’t want to rush things with him, but you just felt like this was the right moment. This was the perfect timing. He’s the right person to do this with.
He kissed you hard, but softly at the same time. It was like you were drowning, but you didn’t mind it.
“Shit,” curses sounded heavenly when it came from his mouth, turning you on even more.
You didn’t even realize you were already in the confinement of his bedroom, until the back of your knees hit the edge of his bed. You let your balance loose, allowing yourself to lay back on the mattress.
He looked at you in a way that made your spine shiver, your entire body burning with desire.
“Are you sure about this?” He carefully asks as he lowers himself to tower over you. You look at him with the same passion and nod your head. “I’m always sure about you.” You take his lips once more.
You can tell he was hesitant to touch places you wanted his hands on. So you take the lead, grabbing his nervous hands and placing it on your breast. “Please touch me,”
His jaw slackens, a new sensation traveling down his body. “I’-I’m sorry, I haven’t done this before.” He stuttered, but you just bit your lip.
“I haven’t either. We’ll be each other’s first,” You smile reassuringly at him, caressing his cheek as he looks at you warily.
He started to massage your breast, whilst his lips traveled down your neck. You can feel your stomach flutter at the feeling, never expecting such a move would make you go crazy. He then looks at you again, holding the hem of your shirt, almost as if asking permission. You gazed over at him with lust that you knew he got the message.
He lifted it up, and in every skin that gets exposed, he blessed it with his lips. The wetness of it makes your breath hitch. “Renjun, please.”
He pulled your sweater up until you’re now only left with your bra. He slowly reaches at your back, which you helped by arching, and with a snap, your bra falls undone.
The cold breeze around your nipples did not last long because as soon as his eyes fell down, his lips attached to one of the peaks. You shudder, gripping his hair, gently pulling it. You’re a moaning mess.
“Touch me more,” You managed to blurt out. He seemed to understand, with the way his hands traveled down your skirt. Still making out with your exposed breast, paying attention one after another, he started playing with your panties.
“Fuck, you’re so wet already.” He felt the dampness over the cloth, directing his middle finger on the slit. You gasp in pleasure, flinching every time he explored further.
“Jun,” You whine when he starts pulling down your skirt, along with your panties. His jaw opens slowly as he looks at you with hunger behind his eyes, but the softness of adoration still present at his expression. You clench at the sudden coldness but he didn’t allow you to suffer any further as he moved fast and removed his own clothing.
“Shit, baby you’re fucking gorgeous.”
He parted your thighs and squished himself in between, his member hitting your core ever so slightly. But the thought of it drives you nuts, and it takes all of you to not do anything about it. He went back to making out with you as his hands do wonders.
“Uh, my gosh.” You inhale once his fingers start rubbing your pussy, trying to steady your hands on his body. He pulls away just to watch you fall apart in his hands.
He bites his lip as his fingers started moving down, where your hole is. “I’m.. I’m gonna finger you first, okay?” He asks ever so carefully, and it’s obvious that he’s also as nervous as you are.
“Okay, baby. I trust you.”
And just then, he applied pressure and eventually entered you, making you flinch a bit. He moans with you, a foreign feeling enveloping at his fingertips. This is the first time he had ever touched somebody, and he can already tell that you’re the best.
“R-Renjun.” You whine as he starts moving in and out. ]
“Fuck, fuck you’re dripping, oh-” He takes a glance at your wet core, where his middle finger disappears. He pushed another finger in and you swore you almost felt like you’re coming.
You see his other hand leave your breast, moving it down his own body and you just knew what he was going to do. You swiftly take his hand away and replace it with yours. You knew enough from videos, ones that were shown to you by your former friends.
He muttered out a deep groan once you made contact with his cock, immediately moving your hands in the same rhythm he does with his own fingers.
You never knew it would feel this good. The look in his face, the way his mouth slackens and the way he falls vulnerable on your touch felt dangerously addicting.
There was a strange feeling on your stomach, like a thread that’s waiting to snap. Like you were about to explode. “Renj– oh, I’m.. I think I’m coming,”
You cry at the feeling, making him work even harder. He licks his lips as he went faster, and you can just feel your body shake. Your hands can no longer move, and in the next moment, you felt euphoria. You were shaking, grabbing at his wrist, trapping it in between as you rode the wave of pleasure.
“That was so fucking hot, baby.. God I can just cum right here.” He says, now trying to calm you down. He placed a kiss on your forehead and whispered ‘good job’. Your eyes are still closed when he positioned himself on top of you, the tip of his cock aligning in your entrance.
“You ready?” He asks, moving his tip up and down your slit. You nod, even when tired, you’re still filled with eagerness.
“I need to feel you now,” You say. He gave you a peck on your lips and just when you know it, he started to stretch you out.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad, but it's so good.
“It hurts,” You just couldn’t believe how painful it was. Yes, you knew it would sting a bit, but not like this. You almost wanted to stop right there but when you felt him shiver, and hear him moan, everything washed off.
“I’-I’m sorry baby, fuck you’re gonna make me cum.” He says, whining even louder than you. He cages your head with both his forearms, making you look up at him, and him only.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” He says, tears on the edge of his eyes.
“I love you so much,” You whisper. Swiftly, by looking at his eyes, the pain subsided. “You can move now, baby.”
He nods and in every thrust he makes, the pain slowly turns to pleasure. Like magic, it dissipates into thin air, only replaced with the pure euphoric feeling.
Your tears were one of those tears that came from pleasure, and that pleasure not only derives from him fucking you, but also from the fact that it’s him you’re doing this with. The boy you love the most.
“I can’t, baby. I can’t last, you feel too fucking good.” He whined in your ear, embracing you so tight that you might’ve broken a rib, not that you’d care.
You hugged him back, “It’s okay, baby. Let go.”
“Ah, ah— shit, I love you. I love you, y/n. Please tell me you— fuck —love me too.”
You were there with him, both your climax approaching fast, even faster when he called your name. “I love you so much, my baby, my Huang Renjun.”
You both came, looking at each others eyes. He dived down to kiss you torridly, caressing your hair.
And with that intense state of pleasure and love, you hold him like you’ve never before.
Everything was perfectly in place for you, and you’ve never been happier.
You’re achieving your dream of becoming a cheerleader, and your dream of being with your first love, Huang Renjun. It all seemed dandy, until Giselle asked you to stay behind practice.
“You know Theo? The main base? Yeah, he likes you, y/n.” At the end of the practice, Giselle and Ningning basically cornered you. You had no idea about what they were talking about— one thing’s for sure, you’re not interested.
“I don’t like him like that.. and besides, I have a—”
“And our Ningning here likes Renjun. So I suggest giving her a chance, yeah?” Giselle crossed her arms across her chest, lifting her brows.
You were puzzled. You and Renjun just officiated your relationship last night, how can they ask you this? Your breathing quickens.
“I-I— Giselle, what are you saying? He’s my boyfriend,” Your voice started to shake.
“Don’t piss me o—” Ningning rolled her eyes at you and even attempted to lunge at you, making you flinch but Giselle blocked her.
“Nings,” Giselle reprimanded before staring back at you again.
“You know that cheerleading is all about sisterhood, right, y/n?” Her voice was ice cold, her eyes making you shiver. The Giselle you idolized was long gone, only replaced by this cold hearted person.
“I—”
“But it’s fine. However, you can’t just turn down Theo like that, right? He’s been talking about you nonstop, and to be honest, I like him as my brother. So, be kind and meet him at the back of the gym tonight. You can do that, right?” Her attitude screamed authoritative, but also soft, as if to trick you into manipulation. She didn’t let her smile fade while waiting for your answer.
You shake your head, “I will talk to him when I want to, Giselle. But I don’t think its a good idea—”
“Do you think it’s a good idea to go against the cheer captain? You'll see him after this. And you better not tell Renjun. Or else, I’ll kick you out of the team.”
You were in a state of shock. You feel highly strung, why is she being like this? Threatening to kick you out because you refuse to obey her nonsense order?
You couldn’t say anything when they left. You were conflicted on so many levels.
When you become Captain, you will never be like her. You’ll be better, in every conceivable way.
But now that you’re still starting, you can’t do much. So you followed her. Convincing yourself that nothing worse will happen. You'll just have to talk with Theo, that’s it.
[6:34pm] injunnie <3: baby are u done? meet me @ the parking lot
Your fingers shake, typing out a lie. You cannot fathom lying to him, but still, you did.
[6:35pm] you: hi babyy <3 uhm, not yet. i need to practice a few stunts :(( i’ll just text u, ok?
[6:35pm] injunnie <3: ok baby. see u later! love u :*
You brush your hand across your hair. Not even a day in your relationship, and you’re already lying to him about meeting a guy. You felt horrible.
Yet, here you are, standing a few feet away from Theo.
“Hi, y/n.” He was smiling at you, but you felt uncomfortable. He started walking towards you rather aggressively, to the point that your legs started to step away backwards.
There was a measure of anxiety spread all over your face, however, you still managed to talk.
“Giselle told me–”
“She’s right, y/n. I asked her to help me. And I’m glad you decided to talk about this–”
Your brows knitted together, but you thought that maybe he had a wrong impression about you coming here to talk to him. “Actually, Theo, I have a boyfriend.”
He froze, smile fading, his expression accenting his confusion. You almost felt bad, but in a swift moment, his lips stretched into a smirk and leaned his head to the right. “Well, you could just give me a lil’ kiss then, right?”
Your lips ajar, brows furrowed as you try and process what you’ve just heard. Deeply offended, you attempt to call him out on his brazen request, but he continues.
“Giselle would be so mad to hear that you can’t even give me a single kiss, y/n. She loves me, and if I told her how selfish you are, she’d have no problem banning you from cheerleading up until college. She has connections, y/n.”
All other words suddenly fled your mind. Theo’s basically blackmailing you into cheating. Your nose wrinkled in disgust upon his words, but you can’t seem to say anything. Heart beats intensely as you weigh the choice you need to make in this situation.
“Giselle won’t–”
“Oh she will. You’re outshining her in the squad and she’d be more than happy to make up a reason to ban you. Come on, y/n. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to know.”
You’d be forbidden to join up until college. You wouldn’t be able to cheer ever again.
He takes a step forward, this time, rooted in your place, you feel your stomach twist. Your eyes burned in tears. Theo’s touch burned, and you gulped as his palm laid on your cheek.
You couldn’t move. Your skin tingles, heart rapidly beating within your chest as your breathing grows tighter.
He doesn’t have to know. Renjun wouldn’t know.
At the moment his lips touched yours, you knew you made a mistake. You felt disgusted, you can’t find it in you to respond.
“Kiss me fucking properly.” He growls. You clench your fist, and tighten your eyes as you kiss him back despite the tremble of your lips due, a wave of revulsion swept through your entire body.
You’re cheating on Renjun for your dream of being a cheerleader.
Then there was a terrifying moment when you feel someone else being present in this vile affair that you’re forced to partake in. You open your tear filled eyes and right there and then, your whole world shatters.
There he was, the love of your life, standing a few feet away. Behind him was Ningning, sporting a smirk as if she’d won. Your mind tells you to step away, run to Renjun, and beg for forgiveness. But your fear overshadowed you, staying right where you were, slowly digging your own grave.
His eyes were poisonous to even look upon, so much hatred tainted in his mind. You knew he’d hate you, no, he’d despise you. And nothing breaks your heart even more than seeing him walk away.
You immediately pushed Theo, and landed a sharp slap across his face. Tears surged in uncontrollably as you slowly realize that you’d already lost the only person you loved.
Whatever it takes, huh?
You see Theo leave, and when it’s just you and the overflowing guilt alone, that’s when your legs give out. You sat there, clutching your hand on your chest as you cried, desperately wiping your lips until they hurt.
In the quiet moments that followed, the only sound was the echoing resonance of guilt, regret, and shame.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Ruptured patellar tendon on your knee, Ms. Y/N. Unfortunately you’ll have to undergo physical therapy, and most likely, you'll never be able to perform in cheerleading indefinitely.”
You felt like a bucket of ice cold water was just poured all over you. You stared at nothingness, hoping all of this was just a dream.
Why should this even happen to you? Is it karma? If it is, isn’t this too much of a punishment?
You cried and cried until your eyes dried up, having to accept the fact that at the age of 22, your dream was snatched away from you.
Was it cruel? Yes, absolutely. Did you deserve it? Arguable.
Cheerleading was the only thing you know, and now it’s off the table. It was as though a veil of sadness had been draped over your eyes, distorting your perception of the world and casting everything in shades of gray. What are you supposed to do now?
A swarm of support follows you on the third day of your hospitalization, and you swear you’re grateful for all of them, however, you can’t seem to find gratitude for any of them.
Most of the cards called you Birdie, and how are you supposed to live up to the name if your wings were broken off? You’re no longer Birdie, and the only remaining sentiment that name carries is sadness and disappointment.
“I beat her up, you know?” Minnie says one time she visited you.
You look at her in shock. A laugh traveled through her, “Not ‘beat’, actually. I just landed a few on her face. Nobody in the squad snitched, because they knew she deserved it. Her boyfriend seemed mad about it tho,”
For the first time in a while, you thought about Renjun. Your mind was in a different space the entire time that you forgot about him. He wasn’t there when the incident occured and it would be possible if he didn’t know what happened.
“Does he know?” Your voice was scratched, and a glint of hope laced in your tone.
“I don’t think he knew of the severity of the injury, and I’m sure that bitch already switched up the story. He’s a dumbass.”
“He wasn’t there, he didn’t see what happened. I’m sure he’s–”
Minnie snapped, raising her voice. “Oh for fuck’s sake, Birdie. Stop defending him! You should get your mind off of him. It’s pissing me off that despite what happened, you still find a way to give people the benefit of a doubt. And I bet you don’t even blame Julie, you’d rather blame yourself,” She’s right. Not that you’re not mad about what Julie did, but you’re more so empty. You don’t know what to feel, and even debated if you deserved it or not.
You sink more on your seat in shame. “Please, learn to be mad. Learn to be angry, and hold people into accountability. Not everyone deserves a second chance.”
That made you think, not only about this entire ordeal, but also the past. Not everyone deserves a second chance.
Does that mean you too? With what you did with Renjun? Did you not deserve a second chance?
Maybe you’re too nice because you’re overcompensating for what you did to get what you had. And now you’ve had your time, it was cruelly snatched from you.
Maybe that dream wasn’t yours to begin with.
And maybe, Renjun wasn’t meant to be yours, too.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Renjun felt uneasy. There’s something weird about the atmosphere that night of the game.
Before your performance that night, he had to take a call from his mom, asking him to come home for a favor. He was conflicted, because although he masked it greatly, he did liked watching you perform.
However, he thought that you still had a final performance in the next game, which was twice as important than that night so he just opted to leave before the game.
The next morning, he was overwhelmed by Julie’s tears.
“M-Minnie, that fucking bitch beat me up!” She screams, pointing at the slight bruising at her temple.
He heard about the incident last game, and it killed him to get the news that you were injured, again. The last time that happened, he almost wanted to take you home and take care of you properly. Yet, something in him always reminds him that you chose this career.
You chose this over him.
But Renjun wouldn’t lie if he said that he didn’t feel bad about Julie right now. From what he has heard, the entire thing was an accident. Julie did not deserve to be hurt physically, at least that’s what he thought at first.
Julie had become a close friend of his, quickly forming a bond with shared interest in some things. Julie’s really pretty as well, and even though Renjun doesn’t care about that stuff, he’s sure as hell won’t deny the truth.
He tried, he really did. Julie was a perfect partner, and she seemed sweet and kind, one of the qualities Renjun liked about her. So, yes. Maybe he did plan to be with her, at least sleep with her.
But when he saw your pain stricken face in that elevator, he was suddenly unsure.
“Why did you have to put your hands on her?” He asks Minnie calmly. He had no intention confronting her, he just wanted to know the reason and she happened to walk past him.
She stared back at him with a cold grin, “That bitch deserved more.”
For some odd reason, Renjun didn’t say anything after that. Rather, he’d questioned why Minnie did it to that extent, why is she so angry that she’d resort to violence.
It wasn’t until the day before your big performance that Renjun started to worry. It has been more than a week and he still hasn’t seen you.
He snuck out from classes just to peek at the cheerleading practice and you weren’t there. Not in your usual classes, hallways or cafeteria where he’s usually seen you.
Out of sheer desperation, he asked Julie.
“What happened at the last game?”
He saw a glimpse of fear run through her eyes when it widened upon hearing his question.
“I told you, It was an accident.” Julie’s tone was defensive.
There’s a voice inside Renjun’s head, saying to not trust her.
For the reason being that you’d never not show up in your classes, even with simple injury. Sure, you’d skip practice for a few days but you’d be back on your feet the next day. Especially with an event like this.
His worry grew, now stressing on why you’re still not around. It’s the final game, and you should be here, if not to cheer, but atleast watch your squad. You’d always done that. So why are you still not around?
He curses at himself for caring about you this much. He felt like he betrayed himself, his own morals and beliefs because he should not care about you anymore. Afterall, you cheated on him. No matter how nice you are, no matter how much you claim that you’ve changed. There’s no way he could just forget the pain he went through.
So why is he standing outside the field, waiting on any of your friends to show up and ask them where you’ve been?
“Where’s your captain?” He asks the first person he saw wearing the squad uniform.
“Oh, she’s almost here, wait, there she is!” Sunghoon says pointing at the back.
A wave of relief washed over Renjun. Shit, you’re okay. You’re here.
But when he turns around, he sees Minnie. He furrows his brow, quite perplexed as to why he’s pointing at Minnie when he knows damn well she’s not the captain of cheerleading.
“If you’re here to ask where’s Julie, I kicked that bitch out. Sorry,” She sneered at him.
He almost yells that he’s not here for Julie. He couldn't care less about her. He’s here for you.
“You’re.. You’re not the captain. Where’s y/n?”
Minnie’s smirk faded, as if his question shifted the mood. “You really don’t know, huh?”
He felt the first thump in his chest. “What?”
“Better ask her yourself.”
With that, she left Renjun hanging. He couldn’t try and stop Minnie, asking her for any explanation because he felt like he was going to explode.
His lips fell ajar, as everything clicked.
You had an injury, and right after that you didn’t go to any of your practice, then Julie got kicked out and now Minnie’s replaced you as the captain.
He covers his mouth in realization, adding another layer of fear. He needs to find you.
Fortunately, Renjun doesn’t need to walk far. He had heard that you’re in the premises to watch the game, and the first place he had thought of was the gymnasium.
He finds you, sitting alone on the bleachers with a pair of pompoms on your side. You weren’t wearing your uniform.
“Y/n,” He whispers, yet the resonance of his voice echoes. He approaches you carefully, assessing the entire situation. He wants to be there for you, but he doesn’t want to force you if you want to be alone.
You look up at him, and when his eyes meet yours, he can just hear his heart break. You looked defeated. You look tired.
“Why aren’t you in uniform, Birdie?” He asks softly. Deep inside Renjun, he knew why. But he can’t accept it. Not when this is your life. Not when he knows it’ll break you to give up.
You slowly shake your head helplessly at him, on the verge of despair. Gripping both your hands on your knees, like you’re holding yourself together.
“The game’s about to start–”
“I can’t, Renjun, I can’t dance anymore.” He takes a huge breath after hearing your voice break, and he takes two huge steps to reach you. He kneels before you, grabbing your cold hands.
“There has got to be another way, baby. We’ll get you the best doctor out th–”
“I’m done with cheerleading, Renjun. I.. I can’t even fucking walk properly!” You broke down in front of him, and he swore he’d never felt so horrible in his life. His own tears betrayed him, but he doesn't care. When you, his entire world, is falling apart in his hands.
He pulls you in a tight embrace, letting you wet his shirt completely. Caressing your hair as he attempts to calm you, but in his mind, he’s also hanging by a thread– seeing you like this, completely giving up, breaks him to his core.
“What do I do now, Renjun? What–” you sobbed in between your words, and he bit his lip hearing you like this. It hurts him so much to see you like this. He closes his eyes, gently trying to soothe your shaking shoulders.
“I’m so sorry, my baby.” He whispers, kissing the top of your head repeatedly.
At this moment, Renjun swears in his grave, that he will never forgive whoever did this to you.
And if your sweet smile never comes back after this, all hell will break loose. Because he’s never afraid of his own scars, but yours? Oh, that’s his deepest, darkest fear.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
Neo Culture University Newsblog
“NCU’s Top Cheerleader, the captain of NCU Squadron, the first ever cheerleader to perform the highest basket toss in NCU cheerleading history, Y/N, L/N, famously known as The Bird, announces her departure from the squad after the incident at the first game between NCU vs SHU.
Also known as Birdie, had suffered a career ending injury after falling whilst performing a routine last Thursday night. It was announced by the cheer committee that Hwang Youngmin will be replacing her as a captain of the squad.
Furthermore, investigations involving a former cheerleader who’s accused of sabotaging the Cheer Captain’s career, causing her to retire from cheerleading. Foul play is suspected, and we’ll be reporting more on it soon. So far, it has been confirmed that said cheerleader is now kicked out of the squad. Updates soon.”
Renjun is filled with nothing but rage.
That was your dream. That was your everything. And just for… a fucking bitch to ruin it all for you?
“Calm down, man. I’m sure the school will handle it.” Jeno, ever the mediator says. This was the first time his friends saw him this fuming.
“No. Fuck no. I want that bitch out of this school.” Renjun was adamant about kicking Julie out. He’d do everything in his power to make sure she didn’t step foot on this campus ever again.
“Are we even sure about what happened—” Haechan attempts to cut in on the conversation but a sharp look from Renjun made him freeze.
“Do I look like I care? Accident or not, I’ll make sure she suffers. I’ll make up a dumb fucking reason, anything, to get her kicked out. I’ll fund the fucking investigation against her. I’ll make sure she pays for it. Whatever it takes.” His voice was dangerously calm. Every word carrying weight, every threat sounded like a promise.
It doesn’t matter to him now. He could lie and tell everybody he hates you, but nobody could ever hurt you like this. Not on his watch.
You could cheat on him a million times but he’ll never be angry enough to let this happen to you. Not when you were once his everything — not when you’re once his lifeline. Everyone else doesn’t matter.
When it comes to you, he’d do worse.
Haechan, Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other, worried about what Renjun would do. They had never seen him filled with this much rage. It was horrifying, the lengths he’s willing to take for you.
And deep inside, they knew that behind the cold exterior he always treated you with, is a man who is still deeply in love with you.
Also, one common knowledge among them is never to mess with Renjun.
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
“Thank you, Ms. Lin! See you next monday,” You waved goodbye to your therapist, as you went out for your weekly physical therapy.
After the surgery, it was really hard to adjust. You needed to use clutches for what it feels like forever, and there were restrictions that you needed to follow. The school granted you a scholarship, which was really awesome to hear. At least that was taken care of.
“Baby,”
You look up front to see Renjun waiting for you in his car. You smiled at him and waved excitedly. He runs up to you, swiftly taking your bag with him.
“Right on time, impressive.” You sneer at him. He grabs your hand and hooks it over his arm.
“I was here fifteen minutes early, baby.” He winks at you, giving you a light peck on the lips. You giggled, watching him open the car door for you. You put your injured knee first, before sitting with your entire body.
“Where are we going?” You ask. He didn’t tell you about the plans today, but you didn’t bother to ask either. You just assumed he would take you back to his apartment and you’ll just burn a hole in his couch watching netflix the rest of the day.
You can never really pinpoint on when you and Renjun decided to get back together, or at least you think you’re back together. Ever since that day at the gymnasium, Renjun never left your side. You didn’t dare ask him what’s going on, afraid to ruin whatever it is.
You sat there, a bit uncertain on why Renjun still hasn’t started the car. You turn to him, looking for any reason as to why he just sat there gripping the steering wheel.
“Giselle called today,” He exhaled.
You widen your eyes in aghast. That’s a name you’ve never heard before. Or more accurately, that’s a name you wished to never hear of ever again.
Nonetheless, you guessed this topic should be discussed sooner or later. You can’t always avoid the inevitable, hiding from the ghosts from the past. And you believe that the both of you are much more grown now to handle it maturely.
“She saw the article, apparently. And uh, she told me.. Well, everything.” You take a deep breath.
You clear your throat and nodded, calculating on how you should go about the conversation. You’ve rehearsed begging him for forgiveness a thousand times before, however, you realize that you should just tell him what you feel at the moment. Not some rehearsed bullcrap, because Renjun deserves nothing but the raw truth from you.
“How’s Giselle? I hope they’re doing good,” You start with genuine curiosity.
Renjun furrows his brows as he looks at you. “Baby, they gave you hell and you still wish them the best? I–I don’t think I can ever forgive them for ruining us, ever.” He claims, grabbing your hand, intertwining it and kissing the back of your palm.
You smile warmly at him. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll forgive them for the both of us.”
He shook his head, disagreeing. “No. You’ll have to learn how to express anger for people who deserve it. You can’t let them get away every single time. They’d just do it all over again.”
A semblance of a smile had gently flickered onto your lips as you admired him. “Alright, baby. I’ll try. But good thing you’re with me now, right? You can be the bad cop and I’d be the good cop!”
Through his serious demeanor, a small smirk threatened to sneak its way on his mouth.
“And I’m so sorry for treating you like shit. I was deep in my own hateful charade to mask the fact that I still wanted to be with you. I guess I was a puss–”
“Language, baby.” You faked an angry tone, but immediately smiled after. “Besides, I understand. I wouldn’t want to be seen with a person who cheated on–”
“You didn’t, baby. You quite literally had no choice.” He warned.
“Okay, sure but you also have to let me earn your trust. At the end of the day, I still kissed somebody else when we’re together. But at the same time, I also feel terrible because it seemed like I sacrificed our own relationship for nothing.”
Everytime you remind yourself of the decision you made when you were young, hurting the person you love, for something that was taken away from you way too soon, makes you feel so stupid. So disappointed in yourself.
“I trust you with my life, baby. You’re responsible for me now, so don’t you dare leave me again. Okay? I love you.”
Before you wallow in guilt, Renjun kissed you deeply and passionately. Your lips move in a rhythmic manner, as if it was a melody that played in the silence of your hearts, a song of tenderness and affection.
“Shit, baby we should go. We’re going to be late,” He pulled away too early, despite your pleas and looked at his wristwatch.
You turn your head in confusion. Do you have plans today? He didn’t say anything and began to drive. You were sitting in your seat demented, wondering where he’d take you. You try to familiarize the road he’s taking, but you are left clueless.
He stopped at an expensive looking hall, seemingly a restaurant, or an events place, honestly you’re not sure. There's a waitress waiting at the reception. Renjun just says his name, and the woman just nodded and smiled at you. You hesitantly smiled back, and that’s when she guided you inside.
“What is this?” Your heart is now pumping out your chest, as you try to figure out Renjun's plan.
He just turns to you and puts his index fingers on his lips. The waitress stopped at a double door, knocked five times, odd to say the least, then gestured for Renjun to open the door.
For a moment, Renjun unlinks your hands from his arms to open the door. And as soon as you took a step inside the dark room, a collective excitement shrieked as the lights turned on.
“Congratulations, Birdie!”
Your eyes widened, your mouth fell open as you saw everyone who ever mattered to you greets you with the widest smile as they held their own party prop. The confetti drowns you, but it doesn't baffle you. What touched you the most is your cheer squad, Minnie leading them as she blows the small horn.
‘Celebrating Y/N “The Bird” L/N’s legacy in NCU Squad’ it says on a banner.
You covered your mouth and immediately broke down, Minnie running to you and hugging you so tight.
“Bitch, you’re gonna make me cry!” She whines as she tries to wipe your tears off your face.
You clutch your chest, being overwhelmed in joy. Sniffing silently as you greet the other people.
“There she is!” You hear Coach Evie emerging from the crowd, embracing you.
“Thank you, Coach.”
“You’re by far the best cheerleader I’ve seen in my career. But I know you’re much better than just being a cheerleader. Please remain as hopeful as you were before, Birdie.” She says, making you sob even more. You murmured more gratitude to her.
“Uh-Uhm.” You look at someone clearing their throat beside you, and you see an awkward Haechan standing there looking at his feet. Renjun harshly nudges him forward to you, Jeno and Jaemin smirking behind him.
“I apologize for my behavior, and I regret everything I have said that’s hateful towards you. I wish we could get along and be friends. And again, I’m sorry.” He says, almost robotic, and most people would find it insincere, but you just chuckled.
“Did Renjun ask you to memorize that?”
“Renjun asked more, actually. He was supposed to kneel, Birdie. Just wait for it..” Jaemin snickers, Jeno laughing at the entire thing.
“Psh. It’s fine, Haechan. I forgive you.” You say in the middle of a laugh, finding it almost adorable how Haechan is scared of Renjun. Somehow, it just makes sense.
It was Jeno’s turn to hug you, “Congrats, Birdie.” He’s always been soft and composed. You always appreciated that about him.
“Come here! Congratulations Birdie!!” Jaemin runs to you and embraces you, spinning you around. You yelp, not expecting it but Renjun quickly holds Jaemin’s shoulder as he pulls you from him.
“Not too much on my girl, dude!” Renjun shouts, as if Jaemin just kidnapped you in broad daylight. Jaemin carefully puts you down, pointing at Renjun with a mischievous smile splattered all over his face.
“Ooh, Is our Renjun jealous?”
The three of them clowned Renjun on, “It’s just–! She’s injured!” He says in defense.
As much as you want to watch him have fun with his friends, you’re afraid what’s on your mind can’t wait any longer.
“Baby,” You gently pull at his hand. He whipped his head towards you quickly.
You caress his furrowed brows, smoothing it then caressing his cheeks. In the middle of the chaos, the noise and the sea of people, you looked at him as if you two were the only people in the room.
His eyes fill your chest with warmth, the familiarity of his touch calming your soul, and the comfort of his smile soothes your entire wellbeing. He is your solace, and you won’t ever fucking do anything to hurt him, ever again.
“I love you,” You say, silently, eliciting a smile from him. He leans down, kissing you with intensity, almost sparking a flame between the two of you. You hear the crowd cheering, as you two pull away.
“I love you, and you will never be unloved by me. I’m sorry baby but you’re stuck with me. Be my girlfriend again?” He asks loud enough for just the two of you. You nod eagerly, kissing him again.
That’s when you felt the world cheer for your happiness. It’s now clear to you that your happiness is with him. Not with cheerleading, not with anything else. Your dream could change, your future could give you the biggest plot twist ever known to man, but one thing’s for sure.
Just as long as you’re with Renjun, you’re gonna be okay.
To: My dearest Renjun,
I will love you in this lifetime, and the next, because forever doesn’t seem enough. My love, you’re worth it all. xoxo
Wow, I love the way you structured this story. Initially, I was weary because of y/n's persistence & her people-pleasing nature. There's a fine line between being an admirer & harassment and y/n was crossing it. But the way you drip fed the backstory was so incredible. I actually felt, as a reader, that I was more like Haechan than the y/n, skeptical & judgemental. I also did not like Jaemin at first because he was encouraging her (perceived?) harassment.
Y/n is a complex character, she was almost annoyingly kind and a die-hard people-pleaser. It made her extremely flawed (especially in communicating) yet charming. Although I do not agree with y/n choices to try and win Renjun back, I grew to like y/n in the end when all of her intentions were made clear. I will say though, like Renjun & Minnie said, I wish that y/n was given space to let herself be angry at someone other than herself. I liked that y/n got really close to being vulnerable when Haechan berates her at the party, it was soooo close. Now that I think about it, maybe Haechan would make a better partner. Since he's so honest with her, it would hopefully compel her to be more honest with others and herself.
The story itself is simple but the way it pushed me to explore and change my mind made the story wonderfully engaging and powerful. Thank you for writing this! There's an unfortunate lack of Renjun angst and this was quite amazing. I would love to know your inspiration & thought process in structuring the story this way.
This is incredibe. It’s almost like u went inside my train thought when I was writing— u absolutely nailed the exact idea of what I was trying to portray the mc.
Y/N was made to be perfectly imperfect. She’s so obsessed with being the nicest and kindest— to the point where it was destroying her. She carried the guilt from the past and tried to cover it with the annoying people pleaser personality she built, however, in her defense, she truly thought that she was doing nothing wrong. Which what Renjun despised. She never discussed the past and continued pursuing him without thinking about his feelings.
However, I wrote Renjun as a strong hearted person, who’s not afraid to say whats in his mind. In addition, the hatred he has with mc heightened his already sour behavior thus resulting to him being a complete asshole to mc. He was imprisoned with the painful memories of the past and he didn’t want to admit it. He likes to think that he just hated her— plain and simple. But again— he wouldn’t have this intense emotion if he didn’t care.
Both if them are stuck in dealing with the past— and have different ways of handling it in the present. One chased, and the other repents. In the end, they met on the same page, both in the brink of breaking. Realizing they actually need to deal with each other and stop running.
I love how you understood everything. I never write mc’s that are just perfect. I like making them complicated— maybe sometimes unlikable, even. But I would always give them reason as to why they’re that way. As per inspiration— I just really wrote it around the idea of ‘second chances’ but if you know me, I HATE cliche and stereotypical plots. I structured around that idea but tried to give it individuality. I strained away from being predictable as much as I could without losing the main plot. Giving it unique quality was challenging but I’d rather take years to write than to publish a rushed and unremarkable fic.
I heavily agree about the lack of Renjun fics. I would never understand why, because as a writer, Renjun as a muse is exciting. I loved writing for him! ♥️
As per Haechan and Jaemin, their role in this fic was just simple. I didn’t want to give them a complex role because they do have their own stories. Think of it this way. Jaemin is just very nice and Haechan is protective over Renjun bc he loves him so much.LOLL (yes im a renhyuck enthusiast)
Anyways!! Thank you so much and I really appreciate the feed back. Im glad u liked the fic! Im gonna go cry in the corner now——-
i had been waiting with bated breath for so long for haechan's illicit affairs -- and it was so worth the wait <3 everything about this series was so prefectly written and i hope you give yourself time to rest after this series, you deserve it!!!
omg thank you!!!! this is actually so sweet <3 i really appreciate the patience bc this series took TIME😭 i was honestly kinda scared to publish it bc i KNOW some y’all were waiting for a loong time and im so RELIEVED u liked it😭
i am taking a breather, but i still need to finish superman bc i really would like to post it soon (still not sure but im def working on it TRUST🙏)
i have so much more drafts bc i just kept thinking on new plots but i prioritiezed this series first bc ik yall waiting😫