we had a huge argument the day before yesterday. we said, that we will go together to the waterpark with her and the kids. but then, friday afternoon, you told me, after i asked your total honest, that you didn't want me there. and yah, that hurted. so we argued and argued... we even slept without cuddeling or something cute next to eachother. together in a bed but yet so far away from eachother.
then saturday came. i wrote you, that everything's fine between us. that i wish you a good morning and that i'm out with the dog. when i came back home you were there, brewing coffee for us. we drank coffee, smoked, and then you went to toilet. when you came back, you asked if really everything's okay. and i said yah, between us it surely is. and you asked again: really? and i said yes.
then we went for grocery shopping. we didn't kiss the whole morning. we didn't cuddle. we didn't speak. till one point where you asked me, if you could come to me to cuddle a little bit. i immediately said yes, held you and you held me. for about 10mins. then i wanted to drink something and grabbed my drink. from that moment on, again nothing happened between us. so i went to the kitchen and started to cook. at some point, tears fell from my eyes. slowely but yet so comforting. they were filled with pain and heartbreak. so i came up to you. put your arm around me and just cried some silent tears. you asked me: what? and i said nothing. just shook my head. i wasn't able to tell you what i really felt at that exact moment. i was cooking, you know. i just wanted to feel you near me. i stood up, went back to the kitchen and finished cooking.
we ate. well, you ate... i just pushed my food around the plate. when you finished, we put everything back in the kitchen. i took my coffee and went outside for a smoke. you came with me. so we sat there in silent. smoked our cigarettes and i drank my coffee... when you finished your cigarette, you went back inside. you didn't even wait for me. you'd normally do that. but okay. i waited outside for some minutes putting all my courage together to speak to you. then i headed back in. sat down next beside you on the couch. i stared at my coffee and thought now or never. he'll leave soon. i turned around, took your hand and asked you, if we could talk. you were surprised and asked, a little too cold for me, oh you wanna talk? and i said, that i wanted to talk the whole morning. again surprised, he answered: didn't seem so. i took a deep breath and said: this morning i wrote you, that between us everything's fine. but i am hurt. i am terribly hurt. i don't feel good. i feel broken, shattered. yesterday was hard and you hurt me such as that.
we argued again, a little and at the end of the 'discussion' i said that i love you and went outside again for a cigarette. after that i came back in, cleaned the dishes and the kitchen, went to the toilet and then i took the dog and said goodbye to you. wished you a nice afternoon, a lot of fun and kissed you goodbye. you stood up, gave me a hug and said, that you love me. but i didn't said it back. i just walked away and went for a walk with the dog.
outside i tried to breathe. i talked a lot with myself. thought, what i should have made different. somehow i hoped, you still were home when i come back. and on the other side, i hoped you were gone. so i walked the dog, went to the store to buy some beer to get drunk. when i arrived at home you, really, were gone. you even took the box for the dog out of the car. and then everything was clear for me. you didn't wanted me to come with you because you wanted to pick up and later drop off her and the kids. and in a car with only 5 seats, there wouldn't be space for a 6th person. i got that and tbh... that hurt.
i went inside took a beer, sat outside in the garden and took a huuuuuuge sip. i asked myself, what i should do until he came home. i needed someone to talk. at best, someone who knows you as well as he knows me. so i called your friend and our neighbor. he's a friend of mine too. i asked him if he could come over for some mins and he immediately said yes. so i waited for him. as he arrived, my dog greeted him so excited and happy what made me very happy. the first moment in more than 24 hours, i felt happy for a short time. he sat down and asked me: what happened? i looked at him, teara filled my eyes and he just said: i thought you were going to the indoor swimming pool. and then my tears just dropped down. i said: we were. but he decided to go by himself. he was confused. so i asked him, if he knew the whole story about the other women and her kids. he then answered, that he just heard some stories but never the full story. so i opened up and told him everything i knew. on one side he was shoked. on the other he was totally confused. so we talked a little bit about that but then, a little drunk, i started open up to him. but before we went down the memory lane he stood up and said, he had to go to his mother and will be back in about an hour. i nod and went inside to give the pets their snack. i ate some chips, watched some tv and drank my second beer.
about 50minutes in, i heard him walk in the garden. so i changed to music, took my third beer and went outside. he was holding a joint in his hands and a bottle of moscato. so i went back inside, took 2 wine glasses and went back outside. he sat down, gave me the joint and lighted it. then he calmly said: now tell me everythibg you need to say. and i started. and somehow, i couldn't finish anymore. i just talked and talked and talked and talked. and the more i told him about what happened in the year i've been with my boyfriend, the more disgusted, shocked and broken he was. he told me some things, what i should do. what i should change and that i needed to take care of myself and my heart. we drank, smoked weed and talked until my boyfriend came back home.
i was terribly drunk and stoned when he arrived. my neighbor left and gave me a look that gave me power but also made me tear up. my boyfriend and i talked a little until everything went off. i can't recall everything but at one point i went to the guestroom, closed the door and curled me up in the bed. i heard him shower and after that he walked back down in the living room. i stayed in bed. after some time, my head was going round and round, he came back up, opened the door and sat next to me. he looked me in the eye and asked me, if we could talk. i sat up and we talked. argued would fit better but anyway. still not remembering everything, i stood up, angry and hurt, and went to go for a shower. after that i walked down naked, saw him sit outside and went outside. i stood there, naked, before him and then i nearly whispered how he misstreat me. how he abused me. how he hurt me and so on. and then i went back inside, got dressed and went back to bed. i don't know what happened then but we kept arguing. and one moment he just said, that he was honest with me and that that wasn't right as well as lying. that, whatever he does, would be wrong. that he hate everyone and everything and that he will start killing everyone and i just looked him in the eyes and said: no need to kill me. i'll do that by myself. stood up and now i don't know where i am. somehow we stoped arguing, he cooked for me, we ate and everything seems to be fine. but now, here i sit, sunday 07:08am... and i don't know what to feel, think and want anymore.
