𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚜𝚙𝚊𝚌𝚎 ♡

All my fucking feelings, 23, she/her

[sadbirthdayparty]

⋆˚｡⁺ stats ♡

✧༺♡༻∞

height: 167.6 cm / 5’6

sw: 69.8 kg / 153.84 lb

cw: 59.4 kg / 141.4 lb

gw1: 59 kg / 130 lb

gw2: 55 kg / 121 lb

ugw: 50 kg / 110 lb

current diet: no rice, bread, pasta, ultra-processed/fried foods, junk food, 2-3 small meals a day with gym/Youtube exercises, (try for) 10k steps a day, lots of fruit, nuts, vegetables, lean meats, zero-calorie drinks & whole foods.

I currently weigh myself every day but want to switch to every 3-4 days.

[sadbirthdayparty]

5/22/25 Food Diary

Weight: 64.14 kg | 141.4 lb

☕️ Breakfast: coffee w/ almond milk and honey, grapes, 2 tangerines

🥦 Lunch: stir fry broccoli and carrots with a hot dog wiener and sweet potato, topped with sauces

🍓 Dinner: strawberry banana smoothie (made with yogurt, honey and chia seeds), tiny cup of mixed cashews, almonds and granola, 10 wheat thins topped with hummus, cucumber, cheese, and smoked sausage slices

Been listening to Liv Schmit on Youtube and trying to control my cravings since I just started my period today. The weight loss this time will probably be much slower but I want to make this my lifestyle instead of another temporary diet. Been incorporating some wheat and carbs too but I don’t want too much of it. People keep bringing in junk food to the office but I kind of feel better about myself by choosing not to eat it.

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Had more or less of the same meals as yesterday but this morning my weight did not change :/ kind of disappointing and I’m getting my period soon but hopefully I’ll get out of this plateau soon!

I’ve been trying to stand and move around more, and I’m going to request a standing desk for my job. Been looking into walking pads too so I can just hop on when I’m watching TV at home. The past few months of unemployment made me realize how sedentary I’ve become and how detrimental that’s been to my mental and physical health. Definitely trying to walk, dance, or move after eating now.

It really just takes a few weeks for me to set a habit, good or bad, as long as I’m consistent with it. I want to feel light in my body again, and get to my goal weight. Though I am a bit concerned about my hair falling out again.. overall, life has been pretty good now that I have a routine again. I’m very motivated right now :]

[sadbirthdayparty]

The past few months have been such a roller coaster for me, I’m not surprised that I’ve gained back about 10 pounds since I first moved. Now that summer is here and I might go on vacation, I really need to start eating healthy again (a low carb, mainly unprocessed diet). Gonna start logging my meals here and write them down physically to keep myself accountable.

5/18/25

🥘 Brunch: sweet potato & boiled egg garnished with capers +chili oil, tikka marsala chicken & tofu stir fry (cooked with onions, mushrooms, spinach, arugula, corn), 2 olives, diet Arizona green tea

🍇 Snack: 2 small pieces of watermelon, a handful of grapes, half a tiny bar of raspberry dark chocolate, half an apple with a scoop of peanut butter, a tangerine

🐟 Dinner: mini hand rolls (a pack of seaweed snacks, a can of tuna mixed with kewpie mayo, onions, cucumbers, and spices)

[sadbirthdayparty]

I’m so close to my second goal weight of 130. I actually need to lock tf in! I’ve lost about 20 pounds since the beginning of September so not even two months and I’m so fucking proud of myself. I took this shit seriously but I need to stop emotional eating. Also need to start working out again but overall, I am very happy with my progress :)

If there is anyone in need of motivation, just know that you can do this! I don’t even starve myself. I eat plenty of fruits, veggies, zero sugar drinks, and whole foods! I’ve cut out processed carbs including rice, pasta, tortillas, and bread but moderation is key!! I still allow myself to eat indulgent foods once in a while. I feel like I am very in tune with my body right now because of these changes ♡

[sadbirthdayparty]

Y’all WHY did I drink alcohol last night … it was just a seltzer but since I barely ate anything during the day, this stomach ache hit me like a load of bricks in the middle of the night. And I already knew I have a sensitive stomach but I did not think it’d be that bad! I’m talking getting up every few hours to either violently shit or yak.

Had to call out of work this morning and cancel plans with a friend which makes me feel like shit. Still throwing up the remnants of that watermelon High Moon and it’s disgusting. I can barely stomach anything which under regular circumstances I’d be happy about, but everything fucking hurts right now. I really wonder if I have IBS or something because my stomach should mot be hurting this often.

[sadbirthdayparty]

Ate so much for my dinner last night and tonight cos of my birthday but I haven’t vommed yet! Gotta start locking in again tomorrow before I gain any more weight ..

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Vent: I feel so pathetic with where I am in life right now. I want to believe I’ll make it in my field, have my own corporate job that I will inevitably hate in a few months’ time. I keep feeling like I’ve not done enough, or that I’ve done everything wrong. I feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I hate this uncertainty, this waiting game, hate how similar modern job searching and dating have become. I hate that I find it so difficult to overcome these emotions, to stop focusing on my shortcomings.

[sadbirthdayparty]

Not sure why you left but I hope you’re okay. I miss chatting with you, it helped me a lot in terms of accountability. If you ever come back, know I am still here.

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Please dear God do not let me gain weight come morning

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Down 10 lbs since this time last week <33 slowly getting back on track

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Nobody wants me for real. I'm not saying that to garner sympathy either. I really am scared of dying alone and it never works out with anyone. Whenever I start to show the slightest interest in someone or make a move, they suddenly disappear. It's like I'm repulsive. Yes I get jealous of my friends in long term relationships, because it feels like I will never be healthy enough to have one.

What is the point of living anymore really? Just to make my parents happy? What if I'll only be happy when I'm dead? What about my fucking feelings... Is any of this worth trying anymore? I wish I wasn't so scared of pain and dying. I wish I could end it all now without any hesitation.

[sadbirthdayparty]

I don't want to get better anymore. I don't care what I'm sacrificing at this point, my happiness or my life. I don't care if I sound overdramatic. The only thing I've ever wanted was to be beautiful. I look disgusting now. I am at my highest weight and I can't control myself whenever I take a bite of anything. I wish I could starve to death. Death sounds so nice right now, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit anymore. I wouldn't have to care about losing weight or finding someone to love me. No more misery. Someone take me out.

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Why the fuck do I have to deal with this eating disorder?? It's not my fault I was overfed and then left alone to rot in front of the TV with ready to eat meals every single day when I was younger. I didn't ask for this.

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I need to stop eating but it's literally so hard. Been trying to recover for the past few months and look where I'm back at again! I fucking hate my body so much.

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I wish I was dead.

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That’s it I’m fasting tomorrow, tired of this binge and purge bullshit