A Nightmare

IGNORANCE IS BLISS FOR BOTH OF US, ISN'T IT?

[sadisticandmanipulated]

I don’t know how someone could be so foul and abusive and still hide behind a facade.

Show people your true character. You have nothing to hide right? 

Tell people what they’re getting into before they fall into your trap.

[taraantino]

The Shining: Stanley Kubrick (1980)

[sadisticandmanipulated]

why didnt u have a support system like your abuser did???

Basically they broke destroyed my boyfriends support system which acted as mine to an extent and used it for themselves.

Really manipulative, really selfish.

They even turned a person that hated them into a person that supported them in the end which is really terrible.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

Life has no true meaning. In the end, “God” still feeds off of the weak and those of us not believing feed them.

Suffering is not necessary. Nothing is necessary.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

A sociopath can never ever truly be satisfied. They keep wanting more. They take with reckless abandon until there’s nothing left. Left in their own thoughts they wither. They can’t interact with people normally, there is no community.

Humans cannot live without other humans. You’re human. You’re brain and body is human. It is how you are programmed. It is how you are.

You’re already soaked to the bone with insanity. At this point there’s no turning back.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

That feeling i have felt for a year and it just ended. Knives in my stomach, feeling blood trickle down my skin but it’s not there. Searing pain spreading throughout and a hand around my throat, like a noose.

“You have no say in what you do. You’re mine.”  You wanted it, i didn’t “Satisfy me. I wont hurt anyone if you do.” YOU DID IT ANYWAY THOUGH

Bleeding from my back, coughing up blood. My dreams transferred to my reality. Pounding headaches and bleeding scratches on my stomach. That black shadow was always with me, the one that you created, that you convinced me i had, threatening me with pain and suffering. My will was gone. You made my mental illnesses so much worse. I have to deal with sick feelings and throwing up my intestines. I hate myself, I hate myself for letting you use me like that but then again i know that I couldn’t have stopped it. I hate myself for giving in and I feel disgusting. A slick film covering my body that I can’t wipe, wash, or scratch off. I’ve tried.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

Force up your stomach acid. Do it enough times that your throat is raw and you blood starts pooling in your mouth.

Oh yeah, you’re too “proud” for that.

Then imagine it.

It’s what i’ve been going through for the past 2 months.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

You can’t be happy. No one like you can truly be satisfied.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

Isolation is horrid. Why would you hold onto insanity? Maybe it’s because you’re too far gone.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

God feeds on his followers like vultures. This is why i abandoned god, but that was right after he abandoned me.

There is no true salvation. There is no freedom from sin.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

If everything is tainted and impure, you are as well. You’re not innocent, you never were.

You’re just as disgusting as the world is.

[necrosedcorpse]

Someday, I’ll smile and say goodbye Every night that you fight, every demon in sight Sleeping on the floor Wide awake from the dream with a shake and a scream Hope for so much more

[sadisticandmanipulated]

You don't know a thing about it Hours lost to dawn from dusk

[discouragedsuggestion]

then you can have his support. i’ll consider switching. but tell me what else i can do. and you think that i can think straight? that it hasn’t been hurting my education as well? or anything else? i’ve been struggling with so much since “he” dropped me. i want this to end. and i want you to be able to stop thinking about me. and i never wanted to hurt you or anything or anyone.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

There’s nothing else you can do then. It’s the only way i can get over this shit you put me through.

What are you talking about? ‘he’? You manipulated me into thinking i had issues i never had. 

[discouragedsuggestion]

you… did? it probably doesn’t surprise you, but i don’t recall that. or maybe the words didn’t process? that happens to me sometimes, sorry. and it would probably be good for you to have a wider support system. one person can’t be enough. and he’s, i hate this phrasing, “on your side.” and i’d rather not talk to him anymore. well. sorry. didn’t know. and actually, my mom’s trying to help me on this. and i don’t get why we can’t share a building.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

Yeah, he is now. But a few months ago he wasn’t.

If you’re not going to do this to make me feel better, do it for your dad so he doesn’t have to worry about his child going to court because they fucked someone else up mentally.

[discouragedsuggestion]

i didn’t realize. and up until very recently, i never heard anything about threats. not until /i/ brought it up. if you had mentioned it then, in person, we could have talked it out, but i was unaware. i’m as far from a mind reader as someone can get. i need to be told how people feel, and approached, and told what i can do to right things. they only said those things because they only heard my side of the story. it was all i could tell them. i didn’t understand your side, or i would have known what i did wrong to instead ask for help. but it’s not my fault you don’t have a system like that. it was something i worked out on my own, supporting them as much as i could so i could depend on them when i had a problem. that being said, i’m not going to willingly move schools. my support system is here. and i’ve been in this school so long already. why don’t you just move schools since you’re not used to this one yet? i’d think that would be easier, but of course, tell me if i’m wrong. sorry if this is making you feel ill. but you said you wanted to talk. and i’m trying to learn your side, and i’m trying to find a resolution. i want things to be okay. i want you to feel better about all this. what can i do besides moving? i’ve only seen you around school three times, and one was because you approached me. i hope not having to see me helps. i’m sorry.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

I did bring it up actually, during one of our meetings. You didn’t blink an eye and shoved it under the rug. You manipulated my only support system. My boyfriend. He was on your side. Do you know how that feels? 

Long time huh? 2 years? I’ve been in GT. When you were in 6th grade i was already taking classes there. And wouldn’t having you go to court ruin your relationship with your mom? That’s what you’re trying to hold onto isn’t it? Wouldn’t it stress your dad out? That was the reason you didn’t want me to call 911, wasn’t it? It would be beneficial to the both of us if you were the one to leave.

[discouragedsuggestion]

i swear on my life i didn’t know. i never even knew i threatened them until you showed me. i wasn’t aware of what your mental state did or that you didn’t want to. especially since you agreed to meet up with me again. now that i’m more aware of what’s going on in my own mind i’m working hard to make sure it doesn’t happen again. i’m sorry. and i can’t go. the situation is better with my mom and i can’t ruin that. i’ll do what i can to make things better. but moving is no longer an option.

[sadisticandmanipulated]

I thought i could forget, and things could go back to normal again. I was stupid to think that. And you really think i wanted to do all that? You really didn’t get the hint then. Did you realize every time we met up, i would do what you wanted for the first 30 minutes and then refuse for the rest and just normally hang out? I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend. I wanted to stop right when he said it made him feel like shit, and that he didn’t want me to do that anymore. With a combo of my mental state and you threatening me, I couldn’t.

Also, I didn’t have people constantly telling me i was being powerplayed. I didn’t have people constantly telling me i was the innocent one. You got over it faster because of positive reinforcement by people who think you’re innocent. I can’t do the same. I can’t have the same.