Only close friends and relatives knew about this, and it takes a lot of courage for me to share it.
Two years ago, I was clinically diagnosed with depression.
At first, I thought I was only overthinking, overreacting. This feeling inside was really different. Then, I began to read blogs and articles for self-coping. Weeks and months pass by, my condition worsen. I sought professional help because it felt every day I was losing a huge chunk of who I am.
Taking Xanax (Alprazolam) 1mg and Abdin (Aripiprazole) 5mg became a daily routine for me for months. My adjusting period with the medication was hard; I remember not being able to bear using the laptop and phone for hours or eat properly because it would induce vomiting. The cost of medication and session fee are ridiculously expensive.
People asked me why I acted this way or do I have any problems dealing with? I, myself, don't even know how to answer that question.
The only problem here is that I have no idea what's my problem. I felt so diminished. I felt so empty. Depression feels like my whole body was so heavy that it’s too much work to move it. I wanted to isolate myself from people. I don't know what to do with my life. Though I still have future to work on, I just can't find myself working on it. Like everything I do is out of obligation. I smile and laugh because I’m supposed to. I talk and joke around in an attempt to seem “normal”.
It makes me a good actress though. I do what I’m supposed to do because I know I’m suppose to do it, even though I don’t want to do anything but sleep. The problem with being such a good actress is nobody believes I fight depression. "It’s mind over matter. You don’t seem depressed. You don't have anything to be depressed about. Your life is great. You're a bubbly and happy-go-lucky person, I just can't imagine you being depressed. Just think about those children in Africa who barely eat a day." are some of the phrases I’m tired of hearing. It is an illness, not a choice. It’s like I’m being blamed for having cancer.
The thing about mental illness is that it persists no matter what kind of circumstances you are in. Rich or poor, everyone might experience it. I’ve been living a pretty normal life. My family is not rich, but everything is on the table. People might say I have no right to be depressed that I am making up my own problems...How I wish it was only like that. But we can't just snap out of it. It's an illness that persists when left untreated. It is a condition that we cannot will ourselves to shake off. Depression is like a concrete. It is not instant but will slowly lurk you into it. And once it has hardened enough, it’s really hard to remove yourself.
Mental illness is a lifelong condition. People live with it. Some have managed it very well and did not need medication. Others may need to be medicated every single day of their lives. We need more education on the scope of mental illness and disabilities.
P.S.: This sounds sappy I know, but I'm glad I get to share it with you all. I was afraid that people might think I was suicidal. But one thing is sure, I’m better than before. :) All thanks to my doctor, family and close friends who helped me even at my worst period.
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