held between heaven & hell

bones, bikes, jittery scribblings and failed recovery.. if u are easily triggered this is not the place for u tw: mental health, addiction, personal struggles

[sakibombs]

this is my safe space to talk about my battles with my eating disorders, s/h and mental health issues

• 23m, proud canadian living in the southern us

• in a weird place w recovery rn; don’t really wish to talk about my shit but if you need support im happy to listen. no one should have to walk through mental health battles alone

• vices: fast bikes, sugar free Red Bull, adrenaline, music, horror and sci fi movies, art, warm blankets, black coffee, alt music, punk ideals, bones, tattoos, the macabre, autumn/fall, nature, canadian hockey

• my DMs are open but please understand if you come at me with hostility i do not owe you any sort of response. i am friendly and care about others - just don’t be an asshole

• 18+ only; no minors, plain and simple

• be kind

[sakibombs]

thought that gummy was 24mg of thc. turns out it’s 420mg.. and ive lost again to dyslexia

[mydarkzones-blog]

[sakibombs]

waiting for the rain to pass. happy 4th.

[maleana-blog]

[sakibombs]

just a reminder that neither recovery or illness is linear. there are steep peaks and valleys along the way.

if you need support or a safe place to vent, my DMs are open. no one has to fight through either alone

[sakibombs]

according to my roommates mother i look like I am fresh from a cøncentration camp. miserable old people need to learn to keep their asshole thoughts to themselves and their mouths fkn shut

been working nonstop the past two weeks. im fucking tanked. supposed to be a work from home day today but there’s very little motivation rn. just kinda want to get fucked up and sleep til monday. just wanna get faded and not think about shit.

[sakibombs]

this isn’t a question but I just want to say I appreciate you being so transparent about your experiences. I know it is so hard to be hopeful in this world especially if we’re talking employment and corporations etc. but I do truly hope that you have an opportunity to support yourself and at least don’t feel burdened with it; to offer the freedom needed to do the things you enjoy that keep you going. Or I hope your current position leads you to where you will need to go purposefully. I’m rooting for you fr.

thank you homie. that means a lot. appreciate the kind words.

[whereifindsanity]

Forrest Mankins

[sakibombs]

haven’t been very active here lately. there’s just not much to say. quit a toxic job, accepted a position at a new one and have been crashing out from possibly the worst anxiety i have ever had the past week. it’s been brutal.

i am in this weird place. the job i left was so incredibly toxic, i didn’t get away without it impacting me. i took a week to fuck around and try to decompress. then resumed looking for a job. i found a few; many of which underpaid so horribly there was no way anyone could life off them. then one fell into my lap with promise of a decent salary and growth. and while it has those things, it requires me to travel all over the state the next 3-4 weeks before beginning store builds. i am not afraid of hard work. i am a very hard worker and will work circles around almost anyone around me. not to show them up, never out of ego, but to burn the time on the clock until i can leave. getting away from work is the only goal i ever have once im there. i want to be on my bike where i don’t have to answer to anyone.

the stress of losing control right now, not knowing details of my new job, not knowing the exact locations i will be sent to.. it’s sent me into is spiral of s/elf h/arm. i am barely eating and drinking. i have fallen back into sh worse than i have ever done in my life. a week ago i almost drove the bike onto train tracks as a train was coming while out on a ride. i am really not ok. i am angry. i hate this version of myself. all of the things my shitty bio mom told me i would become - that’s what i have become. a self destructive piece of shit that deserves nothing from life. that’s what i am.

all i wanted was a job that paid me enough to live on my own. away from people who pick apart my appearance, my hobbies, the mental shit they don’t have any clue about. my shoulders are constantly to my ears. i can never relax home. it is painful to live in a space where you cannot breathe. and that has been my life nonstop for the past 3 yrs. i cant take it anymore. something has to change. so i told myself man up, you jump from planes - man up, take the leap with the job and trust you know how to pilot the chute. or how to ask for support vs suffering in silence.

tuesday i am supposed to leave for 4 days of training. i have done nothing to prep for this trip. i wish it weren’t happening. i desperately need the money - because of that i feel i have no option but to go and try to engage despite the fact the past week has been nothing but me battling sui thoughts and impulses. it’s disgusting and so fucking pathetic. i went through hell at my last job. i kept trying to bargain with the universe, kept saying i want a job with a specific salary and one manager vs 12. i got it. you could even say i manifested it if that’s your thing.

but the fear of failure is horrible. the fear is amplified by having battled homelessness and addiction in the past. in knowing that ive gone through at lease 7 of the 9 lives and literally have no one in my life to lean on for support of any form. i don’t trust most people. ive never been able to for long. so when control is taken away from me, i do not do well. at all. the pain from the past has me by the throat. i am stuck between panic and severe sh fueled by anxiety that i don’t know how to stop. that’s where im at. and it fucking sucks.

[smoothwhisper]

[sakibombs]

night rider

[whisplings]

[heroin-boys]

9:30am weed sesh save me save me 9:30am weed sesh

[heroin-boys]

midnight weed sesh save me

[heroin-boys]

10:45pm weed + m/eth sesh save me

[sakibombs]

14:10 dilaudid and weed sesh save me

[sakibombs]

blacked out for 4 hrs after my infusion today. just woke up and i would really like a little ice cream and to sleep another 12 hrs. cptsd x bpd collab has wiped me on my mother fucking ass.

i keep hitting these moments of blind rage when people just can’t do simple fuckin things - like it’s the very first day they’ve been on earth or out in public and their stupidity is just overwhelming. i try to stay away from others while I’m on the bike but i live is suburbia and it’s difficult about 4 mi around my house in any way. two weeks ago a guy got shot a couple of miles away. today i wished it were me. i wish someone would get pissed and do me the favor. the anger is getting worse. it’s usually when my body is in a state of desperation; either for food or water, for drugs, wanting to sh or shut down completely. today was bad. the infusion def made it worse. and the fact that i feel like shit after getting minerals and electrolytes my body needs is unsettling. at least they haven’t hospitalized me. we’re not doing that again.

i need to eat and get some kind of nutrients into my body, some sugars, a little caffeine maybe. i just don’t have the energy to get up to do it.

[sakibombs]

want a life where this is all i do. fuck anything else. this is the only thing that brings any quiet to my mind. yeah just ignore the kamikaze bug who decided to dive bomb the gopro

[sakibombs]

i wish i could tell you the “help” and those “helpful words” you keep offering only drive me to sh more. they come from a selfish place and are painfully empty. ive stopped talking because my words hold no meaning to you. you don’t actually hear what is being said. this is no different then my mother putting hot sauce in my mouth and taping it shut. you have created resentment in me and feed that fire with every dismissive, “helpful” sentiment you offer. this is a fucking draining dance only you are benefiting from.