This is my second blog that I use to vent about random things happening in my life.

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@salthi
This is my second blog that I use to vent about random things happening in my life.
Okay, so I saw a TT where a girl was saying that the people who betrayed you did it so that they could have access to you. The betrayal is supposed to bring you down and keep you from going places where they'd never be able to reach you.
And that's so true in my life. I was thinking about him and how I always felt small in his presence. I felt like he was better, richer, smarter, more everything than me. Out of my league, right? But, if that's the case, why was he participating in group stalking me? Why was he so obsessed?
Additionally, this goes for all the group stalkers, why did they have to prepare to be around me? Like literally, they had scripts that they rehearsed and practiced so that when they got around me they could insult, embarrass and trigger my dissociative disorder. Which makes sense why they couldn't be around me for very long. They had to come around with a ton of negative energy and leave quickly because they couldn't sustain looking intelligent or cool for long periods of time.
So, I guess that's also true for a lot of people who I called friends. They were just trying to bring me down so they could feel better about being lowlifes. Unfortunately, for them, I'mma need that karma repaid here in this lifetime, in the form of the hood ol' American dollar.
I hate him most of all. I just don't fucking understand why he was following me!! Like, you don't like me, so why can't you just fuck off??!! What the fuck do you want??!! AAARRRGGHH!!!
My head is pounding and I was just wondering if this is a symptom of my did. I feel like one of my alters is just in perpetual pain and when they front i feel it. Because there is no other reason for this headache. I'm lying down, I've been drinking water and eating healthy. I just had bananas and peanut butter in case it was a sugar craving. But nothing has helped.
But I guess I am a little anxious about my future. I'm afraid that I won't find a good lawyer or all the evidence will be deleted or that the jury will rule against me. I just desperately want justice. But I'm also afraid of what that looks like. I don't want to have to relive all the trauma. I feel horrible.
So, I was just thinking about him and about them. About how they remind me so much of that paparazzi movie. Remember how the guy couldn't just chill? He had to bring a camera and start taking pictures. I think they are like that. They get around me and they itch for material to put online. And when they aren't around me, they stalk me. They itch to be near me.
So, with him, I'm starting to understand that it could never work because I'm not a series of blogs and opinions that other people have posted. I'm not a bunch of pictures that he probably has saved to his phone. I'm a human, even if they don't accept that I am.
Which also answers my question of why he couldn't ask me out. It's not that I'm intimidating or scary. It's that he's a paparazzi and I'm a star. No matter how desperately he thought he wanted me, he wanted the material more. He wanted the comments, likes, high fives, jokes about me and slaps on the back.
I have more respect for the paparazzi because at least they get money. And, they don't support sex traffickers.
I'm trying to read but my stupid brain keeps ruminating on the people who trafficked me. Like, I don't ficking care right now!!! I want to know if Regulus is going to find all of the other horcruxes and then kill Riddle. I don't fucking care about disgusting rapists and their racist supporters.
But, you know what? I was wondering, previously, if my ruminating is actually another alter fronting with my current alter. Like, that would explain two completely different trains of thought going on at the same time. Like, one wants me to focus on my trauma and the other wants to escape and hang out in hogwarts with the marauders.
So I'm choosing to write this out in hopes that it will get my annoying trauma obsessed alter to fuck off so that I can read!! I have way to many fanfics that are on my list and I add more everyday. I actually don't have time for this shit!!
So, I thought that I was asexual because I was analyzing my past experiences which are all traumatic because my family was trafficking me.
But, I was just wondering that maybe I'm not asexual and that I'm just traumatized.
So my earliest memories start at 5yrs old. And it's memories from when I was first SA'd. After that my family told anyone who would listen and sent them to harass me and attempt to SA me again.
Anyways, I'm realizing that of course I was attracted to these people because everyone around me was told to SA me. They didn't treat me like they would treat a girl they were interested in. They treated me like whore who's mouth they were entitled to. They approached me with malice. They never approached me with desire or want.
So, of course I was disgusted, revolted, and uninterested. Nobody wants a rapist or an attempted rapist.
However, I believe that if the person was genuine, I would've been interested. If they were kind instead of forceful. If they were patient instead of rushed. If they spoke to me instead of grandstanding, then I wouldn't have been on the defense. If they talked to me instead hitting me then I would've had the ability to explore going further with them.
So that's why I never pushed it. Even the 'nice guys' who were patient, we couldn't get anywhere because they weren't having a relationship with me. They were participating in a trafficking scheme and helping my family yo exploit me. They were feeding my abusers information about every conversation, every physical or emotional reaction, everything I did or said was broadcasted. So, when it was time to get together, they had to desert me. They couldn't commit to me because they were already committed to abusing me.
Also, I'm just thinking about all the mimd games. They would push men onto me that they knew I didn't find attractive. Homeless men, closeted men, drug addicts, alcoholics, men 2or3 times my age, men who I found physically unattractive or men who were extremely rude and hated me. Married men, cheaters and liars too.
There was no way I was gonna initiate sexual encounters with them. Also, I couldn't consent because I wasn't attracted to them. The answer was always gonna be no.
But I think I'm even more fucked up now because I can't even stand to look at an attractive guy. I'm convinced that all men are rapists. Or, if not a rapist then they will support other men in raping. And if not supporting them in raping, they will encourage each other to abuse women. Not always physically but psychologically, emotionally mentally spiritually and financially.
That's my rant
I think healing is getting to the point where you don't want the past to change. And you don't want to escape from it
Another thing I just realized is that I have a lot of memories that have little to no context because of my amnesia. So, this whole time, I assumed that maybe they weren't my memories but something else. I don't know, day dreaming or remembering wrong. But it all makes sense.
That's what happened with the memory of me going to the club with Brittany, both times.
The first time two guys assaulted me and I was so fricken scared. So whenever I had a flashback, I thought it wasn't real because it didn't make sense.
Essentially, when we walked in the club, one guy immediately took Brittany to dance. I was left alone and as their walking away another guy comes up behind and starts dancing with me. I allowed him. But then a guy approaches me from the front and grabs onto the guy behind me and they both start gyrating against me really hard and really fast. I try to shove them away but they are strong and they keep going. I give up and I'm mortified because I didn't understand what was happening.
Then, when they stop, Brittany walks up to me and asks, "Are you ready to go?" I just nodded because I was so scared and confused. I mean, clearly she was part of it. We didn't even spend 5 minutes in there.
The second time was with Eric. And we went to a club for five minutes. Then he drove us to Chaunceys house. I think that I forgot about it because I was scared of him. They wanted me to reclaim him as my boyfriend again and I didn't want to. I have no memory of when we made plans to go. Why were we even going clubbing because we never did.
Anyways, it's a symptom of my disability. When things get so stressful and overwhelming that I can't cope, I switch. I think that's what it is. I have a feeling that there's an alter who always shows up when I can't cope and she keeps the memories away from me.
Dude. I'm old enough to know now. Geesh.
I was remembering a conversation that I had with one of my stalker/traffickers and how confusing it was. Then I realized that happened often with my family and other stalkers. I really thought that I was crazy or I wasn't cool enough or something. But no, it's actually just rapist speech. You know, when someone is using coercion to sexually assault you, it's very confusing because it's as though they don't speak English. They twist your words, they ignore your boundaries and they berate you until you give in.
Except, for me, it was happening on a large scale. So random people would approach me but they would all speak the same language. Kinda like how a cult has its own speech that the members use. They had specific phrases that they repeated that would confuse and bother me.
I HATE rapists!! I mean, WTF?? Y WOULD YOU DO THAT?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!! I say off with their heads. Clearly their not using their heads for anything sensible. Chop it off.
Okay. So I was thinking about him. I actually spoke with chatgpt about him and chatgpt told me about the good cop, bad cop scenario. Where two bad guys are both victimizing you but one of them comes off as kinder so that you let your guard down. But, in reality, they're a team.
That's what happened with him. He was a part of the trafficking conspiracy but since I was surrounded by traffickers, I didn't have the choice to choose anyone else. He was essentially a 'good cop' in a space filled with bad cops.
So, that actually answers my question. I couldn't understand why he would go through all that trouble to get a house to invite me over. To crawl his way back into my life after I had refused to see him ever again. I wondered, "why would he do all that if he wasn't in love??" I mean, it was a lot, for little ol' me.
But, it wasn't about attraction or love. Just like Abdul forced me into a marriage because he wanted power over me. HE wanted me to profess that I liked him, so that he could feel powerful.
And, I also thought that all those nights at his house were for me. But I think they were actually for him. I think he realized that I saw him as the 'good cop' so he played into that.
The only thing is, I don't understand why Jasmina was always so angry. But, that could've been part of it too. I feel like he was showing me that he was interested, not to date me, just to see how I would respond. You know, like a test for my disability. And that was a big change from previously where Jasmina was insinuating that he was attracted to her.
And then, the last thing he said to me was also to trigger memories of Abdul. That was his ultimate goal. Him, like everyone else, wanted me to have abduls children. They wanted me to have children so they could repeat the cycle of abuse and trafficking.
Talking to myself:
Another thing I was thinking about him is that maybe I wanted to see him because he was safe. Like, all those other dudes wanted to sleep with me or marry me. (No proof, just going off vibes. Like, it felt like they wanted to sleep with me.) But he just wanted to make fun of me. I think he thought of himself as too good for me. Whereas those other guys, whether they were poor, or fat, or ugly, or had micro penises, they felt entitled to me. And that's why I couldn't agree with the idea of liking him because I felt like that too. I felt like he was above it all. And I wanted to have fun with someone who wasn't trying to fuck me. I think... I honestly don't know, but that's my conclusion rn. I felt safe around him but really I shouldn't have because he was really there to encourage them to sleep with me or influence me to sleep with them. He was there in support of raping me. I just didn't know it.
Ugh, I keep thinking about my childhood. Specifically running through the things that happened in 7th and 8th grade. I don't know what triggered these memories.
I also can't get him outta my mind. He's like always there, omnipresent in my brain. I think it's like unfinished business. Like, I want to know what would've happened if I didn't cuss him out and then refuse to see him.
But then, I was just thinking about that Korean boy from 7th grade. (Okay. Maybe the viral video of the Korean pop star staring at the security guard during his concert triggered these memories!) Anyways, I was just thinking about him and I believe that it was a setup. Like, I don't think that i was some great beauty that he just couldn't help staring at. I think that they told him to do that to influence me to initiate sex. But, of course, they didn't want me to have sex with the hot Korean guy, they wanted me to have sex with Chris. Because they are both tall and Korean, right? I know I don't have proof, but I think that is what happened.
Also, all this time, I felt guilty for not wanting anything to do with him. But now I feel vindicated. I feel like he and M are similar. I feel like they spoke shit about me with women (or girls) who wanted to rape me and then they agreed to participate in the scheme to rape me, and then they changed thier minds. They both originally were content with influencing me to be with another guy but then they wanted to try me for themselves.
So it serves them right. Still, I think about that night and I wonder if I could replicate that feeling with anyone else. But, I kinda doubt it. It's kinda like forbidden fruit, right? Maybe he knew that he could never be with me because of his friends. What would they say? And I knew he could never be with me because of his friends. They would never accept me.
I'm also thinking about court. Would the things that they put me through be considered? I mean, that's sexual harassment or is it sex trafficking? How many people did Emily try to get me to sleep with? M? Because he definitely tried to get me to sleep with Abdul. Then he made fun of me about Abdullah.
I'm so confused. I can't decide if he is bad or not. Or maybe i know that he is bad but I desperately want him to be good. Then I would have someone on my side. But I don't believe anyone is on my side. I believe that collectively people just want to rape me. I think it's because of my race and disability. Like, they want to punish me for being. For existing and not feeling bad about it.
You know in movies or social media when you see a reunion? Like, people who haven't seen each other in a long time, so they have this emotional and joyful experience? That's essentially an expression of love.
Well, I have always dreamed about that. I never had a particular person in mind, but it's what I wanted. To have someone who I loved and who loved me return to my life.
I think part of it has to do with being gangstalked. Nobody that I've ever known has loved me. Also, people who I haven't had contact with in years, often returned to stalk me. But they're always afraid of me. Like if they get to close or acknowledge our previous relationship, they would catch a disease.
I know most people can't relate because they don't deal with gangstalking. But it chips away at your soul. It trains you to not trust people. It teaches you that friends are fleeting for soon they will disappear. And when you see them again, (and I, unfortunately, see a lot of them again) they will be worse than strangers. They will regard you as some sort of dangerous animal.
Which isn't exactly false. I can imagine the fear of witnessing how people are treating me and not wanting to experience that for themselves.
I also wonder, would I have done the same? Would i have sat back and watched and laughed while another woman was being sex trafficked and abused? Man, I hope not. But part of me thinks that I would've. I mean, everyone else is, so it must be the right reaction. The normal response.
So growing up , my family was obsessed with making me look bad. One time in junior year we went school shopping, and my parents gave us a couple $100, which really wasn't enough. So we went to K mart and my sister insisted that I got scream T's. those were the t-shirts that had Cute little things on them and they were 5 for twenty five dollars or something like that.
However, I saw this really cute shirt that had flowers all over it. And it had a matching pants that had flowers embroidered down the side.\n And the shirt and panted were probably closer to $35 altogether. So we argued back-and-forth until I told her\n I have $250 to spend and I'm gonna spend it how I wanna spend it.You have $250 to spend, you can spend it how you wanna spend it.She got really angry and refuse to talk to me for the rest of the trip.
It was just me my sister and my brother and we were catching the metro bus. So we had planned on also going to the movies because we were teenagers and we had money and movies were more important than school supplies. So we all saved up a little bit to go to the movies.
She did not talk to me the whole time.We were at the movies , and then when we were leaving , we had to catch the bus home. However, she refused to stand at the same bus stop with me and instead she decided to walk to the next bus stop. But the bus was on his way, and I didn't want to catch the bus without her and so I made my brother wait with me. And so we had to Walk with her to the next bus stop and wait for the next bus.
While we were waiting for the next bus, she pulls out a cell phone. I didn't think much of it, but in hindsight, at that time, I didn't have a cell phone and I was a year older than her additionally, I realized that that year all my siblings had cell phones, except for me. And my parents had cut the house phone line.
So while we're waiting for the bus, this guy pulls up and has nice car, it's like a Mercedes or some kind of fancy car, I don't know anything about cars. And he pulls up to the bus stop, gets out of his car and tries to talk to me, but I was livid. Because she had made us miss her bus, and I wouldn't even say hi to him. So he walks over to her, and he tries to talk to her, and she's like, hi, how are you? And I'm assessing the situation, because he's now asking for her number and she's giving it out. But he's a grown man, so I start cussing him out. I start telling him what the f*** is your problem. She's a f****** teenager. She's 14 years old. There's obviously something wrong with you. Get the f*** outta here, dude? And I'm screaming this at him. So I don't remember his response , but he left quickly.
Now in hindsight, I realize that it was a set up\n Never have. I been waiting at the bus stop and had a guy. Pull up in a car to try to talk to me. I feel like what happened is that my sister was thoroughly p***** off. That I was choosing to buy an outfit that was really cute and she didn't consider it. A teenage girl buying a cute outfit. But instead in her warped perception of me Thought of it as a horny teenager wanting and to attract men by looking sexy so she contacted my parents and sent one of their friends to come try to hit on me. Because they were thinking that finally, I was showing interest in men.
That's just an example of what I was dealing with. Essentially, anything I did was skewed and warped and used an excuse to sexually harass me and attempt to sexually assault me.
So, I've been feeling a bit desperate these past few days just thinking about the fact that no one told me. For such a long time I felt like it was because I'm unlovable or a burden. I feel like telling me would've been equivalent to claiming me as a lifelong friend but nobody wanted to have a future with me.
They preferred to watch me being abused. Because I'm confident that none of them moved on. They all watched, commented and gossiped about me even decades after we were no longer in contact.
But, I saw this post today on TikTok of a girl who was really successful and beautiful and happy. I honestly don't remember exactly what the post was about, but I remember thinking, "oh, that's why they didn't tell me!!" It wasn't about taking on a burden, because it was never that, i was NEVER a burden. It was about knocking me down a peg.
They all felt like I was too much. Too happy, too smart, too righteous, too pretty. They knew that no matter what, I was gonna successful and happy in my life. So they felt like I deserved the abuse. I deserved to be raped, they wanted me to get pregnant, they wanted me to live in poverty because that way, no matter how shitty their basic lives turned out to be, it was gonna be better than mine.
The question was never, does she deserve to live a life free from abuse? It was, if I help her, how will I look?
Which reminds me of that conference I attended where the speaker told us that people only care about how they look!! The speaker said that people don't care about right or wrong, just about looking good or bad. Isn't that what social media is? Millions of people pretending to be something that they're not so that billions of people can watch and comment?
So, that's what my life was reduced too. The people who claimed to be my friends only wanted to look good. They wanted to be around me only while I was being trafficked because being around me while I was free would highlight exactly how mediocre they are.