Pure

All of it

[salthi]

This is my second blog that I use to vent about random things happening in my life.

[salthi]

I was trying to understand why and I think that I just got my answer. Well, I'm sure there are a whole bunch of reasons why. But essentially my family couldn't hold me back. So they recruited others to help. That's probably why my back hurts so much. Imagine trying to run and you a whole bunch of fat, ugly, sloppy, slow, ugly ass, dumb fuck, ugly, basic, dumb as fuck, ugly little miniscule, insignificant, whoring, dick eating, basic, little ugly ass maggot infested garbages trying to tell you that you doing too much. Bitch going to school and having a job is too much. Yeah. You can go to prison. For life bitch. You gimme all your money. No, ALL your fucking money you ugly dusty dick riding bitch. And don't say shit else to me. I told y'all that I remembered everything and you thought you was slick. I said, "When you least expect it." The time has come, right about now. All y'all about to reep what you sewed. Next time choose your seeds carefully. There won't be a next time though. This is it.

[salthi]

I don't know why I can't sleep at night. I'm exhausted af but still awake and eating hella food and my body is in so much pain. I think it's that email. Haven't been able to think of anything other than moving. They need to fuck off for real. Next time don't be a human trafficker fuckface ugly ass bitch.

[salthi]

You know what I realized today? I think that those guys at the bus stop were stalkers. The guy that was looking at me and saying hi, that was weird, right? And then his friend saying that woman's hair was so nice. I think was because that fat white lady told me my hair was nice the week before. And isn't that their pattern? They gotta attack after something positive. But also, she could've been a part of the enterprise too. Like, she knew way too much about my little simple hairstyle. And then I saw her two more times. That's not a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences anymore. They were together like a good cop, bad cop trio. I guess quadruplet? Since the red head is included too, right? Yup. I gotta get outta here. Ugh.

[salthi]

Writing about what happened to me is so draining. It's like I'm reliving all the trauma. If you can see this and your thinking about coming to earth, don't. It's a planet where rapists and pedophiles become billionaires and presidents while the people fight amongst themselves rather than fighting for justice. Go somewhere else. Anywhere else. Save yourself the inevitable trauma.

[salthi]

For the past 4 hours I've been dealing with someone stomping/running across the roof. I can't think straight because of it. And in between the minutes of running they have been playing music really loud. So it's been stomping for 5 minutes, 10 minutes of music, 10 minutes stomping, 30 minutes music, for the past four hours and it's making me anxious and sick to my stomach. I wish whoever is up there would get beaten or stomped to death. Or their skull cracked open. Does that sound like a good punishment for a nuisance? #ifIruledtheworld

[salthi]

So I just learned the blueface got his face shat on while he was in prison for snitching on an officer who gave him weed. And that they made him get face tattoos because he was pretty. Something about the tattoos made him uglier so that people wouldn't target him.

Well, I can't help but to feel sorry for him because it reminds me of myself. I remember when Andre tried to get me to lick under his balls and I moved my head. I think that if he could've, he would've had me giving him rim jobs and that would've led to other men doing the same.

I just think the things people do to others are beyond my comprehension. Chauncey and Sandra wanted me to be prostituted so that men could run trains on me and a pimp could control me and abuse me. I still don't understand how someone could want that for another human.

I guess that I can only be thankful that I didn't go with that pimp and that I will get justice for everything that happened to me. I don't think money is really justice but it'll made them angry and I think that's justice. Also it may lead to some arrests, so that'll be justice too.

[salthi]

I'm sad because I was listening to Otis Redding's song, Tenderness and I was wondering how come nobody was ever tender with me. Even as a child I was attacked. So I believe it's because I probably do have the devil in me. I'm a monster and everyone else can see it. I would prefer death. Like, if someone just stabbed me to death or shot me, I would be okay. Finally free. Anything but rape. Rape really is the worst, huh?

[salthi]

You know who's a bigger bitch than life? Payback. She's brutal. She gets ya when you you least expect it.

[salthi]

I don't know where that I can do this. I'm trying to write down everything that happened but it's too exhausting. I can't believe that I lived through all that and people still want to hurt me. It's too much. This world is fucked. I'm actually okay with global warming and asteroids, anything that will wipe this planet of evil is good enough for me. Just wish it would happen faster. I'm tired of being here.

[salthi]

I hate moe. I wish that I never met him.

[salthi]

I just imagine that it would be so nice to have consensual sex. I've never experienced that.

[salthi]

I have a headache and I think it's an alter. I think I have an alter who is perpetually stressed out and when they surface they cause me immense physical pain. Also, I think they are triggered by my childhood trauma because I was just writing about 9th grade when this headache started and it won't go away. And a couple days ago I had to stop writing about 4th grade because it was too painful.

[salthi]

So I'm reading the marauders and it's helping me heal. I've been so sad and confused because I just can't understand why nobody told me. But that's just it, they didn't want me to know because it removes their hold over me. That feeling that Chauncey gets when she mentions my name, they all want that. And if they told me, well, that feeling would be removed from everyone. Oh! Kinda like the somber, sad attitude that Dametrius had in fifth grade. Or the somber, sad, scary attitude that Aisha had in sixth grade. Oh! And remember how Mercedes ceased to ever open her big mouth again and all I did was drop my backpack? Yeah. That's what they are. A bunch of scary ass losers. And now I have to be the one to put them in their place. Ugh!! I hate having to do everything!! But, if I don't, who will? We can't have incels, rapists, and pedophiles thinking they run shit. Now can we?

And those bitches that couldn't confide in me, well, they just weren't my bitches. They lack vision, ambition, foresight, common sense. I haven't changed. I'd rather be alone than be around a basic bitch. Eww. If you can't say it with your whole chest then get lost. I don't wanna have to stomp no more hoes out. Two is enough for a lifetime. My feet are tired!!

[ruesdeluxe]

[salthi]

My life is so exhausting. I can't believe that I had to live it and now I'm gonna have to rehash everything that happened a million more times. I hate how bad memories latch onto you. Why can't bad memories just roll off and the good memories stay? Then we wouldn't have trauma. We'd be free and happy. I miss that.

[salthi]

So, it's actually so much easier if I recognize my alter as liking him rather than trying to stop thinking about him all together. Maybe that's it.

You know what else I realized? I realized that there's a difference between attraction and sexual attraction, right? Isn't there? Like, if I see a good looking man it doesn't mean that I want to fuck him. The desire to fuck him would be a sexual attraction.

So, for the little bitch that was stalking me in the G.O., I wasn't sexually attracted to him, which is why he took off his shirt. And even without his shirt I wasn't sexually attracted to him.

That's why they kept having Clifton expose himself to me. And why they kept forcing me to watch porn. It was because I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone and they knew it. They were trying to create an arousal in me that doesn't exist.

It's a bit sad, yeah. But I think I'm demisexual. Which explains the sexual attraction that I felt for brokeback mountain. It wasn't just two guys having sex, it was two guys who were in love, with a deep emotional attachment that I was attracted to. Which also explains Amy and him...

Well... I don't know if it explains him. It does!! It explains why I didn't like him when ugly said I did because I had no emotional attachment to him. But I liked him when I got my memories back because he was kinda seducing me. He was being kind, saying my name correctly, telling my story (I guess everyone does that though). And the persistence is what I admired. But honestly, I think the persistence is actually just stalking. Like, I don't think he cared about me. He just wanted for everyone else to know that the girl with no sexual attraction was attracted to him.

Well, that's what you got. And my alter likes you, not me. I wouldn't mind if you dropped dead.