Take your meds and count your lucky stars

Bipolar, somewhere along the ED recovery road, jaded by my own brain. Ocean sweat, tears - Saltwater is always the answer.

[saltwater-or-else]

It’s all lies

[saltwater-or-else]

The mask is cracking

[saltwater-or-else]

Being awake is just heavy

[saltwater-or-else]

Too much and not enough

[saltwater-or-else]

Feeling just so unlovable and unloved todag

[saltwater-or-else]

Moving through the world lije going through molases

[saltwater-or-else]

Even pretending is getting too difficult

[saltwater-or-else]

I’m too old for the body aches that come with staying on a couch for 3 days

[saltwater-or-else]

No one tells you that you can have an eating disorder for 15 years and become so used to it that you forget that it can take away your life from you.

I thought I had made a trade. Bulimia for drugs, I thought that was the promise. Now I am shackled by both at 32 years old.

[saltwater-or-else]

Kept digging the hole, dug deeper and deeper and now I’m just there, the surface and the sun getting further and further.

I want to want to climb my way to the surface, to somewhere that doesn’t feel this bad. I don’t have it in me.

It’s getting really bad again.

I have no idea of what to do

[singing-bowl]

thinking about how ursula k leguin said "what goes too long unchanged destroys itself. The forest is forever because it dies and dies and so lives" and how everyday i wake up slightly different and i can feel myself shed the skin of who i used to be slowly, slowly, until i look back and can scarcely recognise who i was... but also she is still a part of me, part of the leaf litter and the humus, supporting me as i send new roots down and new leaves stretching up to the sunlight

[saltwater-or-else]

Crying is healthy, right?

[saltwater-or-else]

Loneliness is just so much easier. He makes me feel so good., but it’s a cloud, that’s not me, that’s not real.

I need to remember that loneliness is easier. Loneliness is reliable. Loneliness is real. Loneliness is understandable.

[saltwater-or-else]

Cool, so now the drug cravings start right after breakfast, cool. Super ok

[saltwater-or-else]

I’m going to stay on the couch, wrapped in a hoodie and blanket, until my dealer messages me back.

That’s just where i’m at in life now

[saltwater-or-else]

My sanity is hanging by a motherfucking thread

[stuckinapril]

I’m fine

[stuckinapril]

I need divine intervention