I was really surprised by how invested I became in Cal and Marys relationship. WAY more than Eddie and Sarah ( although that’s also interesting.). It got me thinking of worthyness as a concept.
During Season 1 Cal clearly saw Sarah as a goddess, that he was passed over by in favour of Eddie. He tried manipulativly to appear worthy of her. He literally describes her as ‘an Angel’ in S1 which is how Mary describes him.
Sarah blames him for her hypocrisy and moral decline at the start of S2. We know that he views her as a moral/ ethical ideal and his perceived corruption of her is one of the things that , to my mind, contributed to his suicide bid. “Look what I did to you” he says in the final episode.
Cal’s attitude to Mary, while still being subconscious at the start is that he and Mary are the same person. He recognises a part of himself in her that he covets ( his missing past self.) but doesn’t think worthy of happiness. And, he sees himself as a corrupting influence, so he rejects her, and then breaks up her relationship with Sean. He is also jealous, because despite his inability to have a relationship with her, he is in love with her, fundamentally in a more real way than he is with Sarah.
When he commits murder, he brings Sean back. Because he is now so much worse than Mary. And not worthy of her ever again, no matter how lowly she is.
Eddie and Cal’s 7R discussion about their digging visions tells us that Cal’s neurosis is a fear of being “ A nothing”. This is, effectively because huge parts of his psyche have been erased from memory. Eddie has no such fear.
Toward the end of S1 there is a clue to the cause of his feeling of unworthiness when he confides in comatose Steve and says “ I tried to be your son.” Implying that he never quite achieved that status, Steve used love as a tool to keep Cal reaching for his approval. Also the subconscious knowledge that there’s was not a father-son relationship at its core.
During season 2 we learn that Sarah was a role model for Cal, that she had ’saved him’ as a kid. Sarah was his standard of normalcy, for goodness, for purity etc. He was heavily invested in her remaining on her angelic pedestal. When she fell from grace ethically he felt that it was his fault. And he carried it ever since.
He literally ‘dragged her down to his level’ during the exhumation of Silas, made her complicit in the murder, and the corruption that followed.
“ It all began with Silas,” says Sarah in season 3 ep 1. When she comes to him looking for punishment. Silas was, indeed, the catalyst for Sarah’s moral decline. BUT the thing she’s never been able to do is to take responsibility for her actions, because if Meyerism worked, it would surely have kept her on the right path? It must be someone elses fault!
Its is only when she admits Meyerism doesn’t work for her that she begins the journey toward self actualisation ( which is taking full responsaibliy for her actions or lack of action). Punishment is, at its core, a way to avoid full responsibility for ones actions. Which is why it doesn’t work to absolve her of her guilt.
The first time Cal threatens suicide it is to Mary in S2. He asks if she would die with him/or run way with him, he isn’t sure which. He sees Mary as equally damaged as him, hence death is a viable way to dispose of them both. His self hatred overflows onto poor Mary more than once over the course of the series. She acts as a catalyst for his abusive behaviour.
But with his acknowledgement of Forest as his child Cal’s behaviour does actually start to change. Because the fact is, this innocent , pure thing is also literally a part of them both. And no matter how defended they both are they can still love that small part of themselves. As they grow to love their child they start to love each other in a genuine way. Even though neither of them can say the word until the end.
In his behaviour by the start of season 3 we see him Cal committed to Mary. Even though they have no intimacy in their relationship. Almost like their relationship is a penance for his past abusive behaviour. Then, as he regains his memories and the parts of himself he lost, he regains his ability to love her. This dynamic is beautifully illustrated by the stilted dancing in ep 1 where he can hardly touch her, verses the physical intimacy Iater on.
In S3 we see Mary becoming more self actualised after the shift away from Meyerism, in that she no longer actually needs Cal for her own survival anymore. She can’t worship or idolise him anymore but still loves the broken child he actually is. Mary handles her trauma in a way that appears exemplary ( assuming Cal doesn’t know about her killing Dad Cox.) She is stronger than he is, although at the expense of being cut off from her own vulerability to the point of appearing socipathic.
Ironic that, despite their rivalry and jealousy, it’s Sarah who Mary calls for help in the end and she is the only one who could have found Cal in the spot Silas was buried. She is the one who has known, and loved him, the longest. And the only one who can absolve him of any part of his numerous sins. He repeats Silas’ words to him while standing on the man’s grave. ‘I’m an alcoholic salesman and and it will catch up to them.’ Once again he feels his sins are going to drag his loved ones down. He feels ‘ruined,’ has been since he was a small child. It gives terrible insight into how he views himself. As something so corrupted as to be conatgious to those around him. Originating in the idea that he has corrupted the purest thing he can imagine, Sarah.
When Sarah absolves him for his part in her downfall. Of responsibility for her own free choices in the season 3 finale he is freed from that guilt bond they share. He can move on from her. Later he apologises, out loud, to Mary, perhaps not only for the suicide attempt, and says he will try to “Be really worthy of you.” Mary, in all her brokenness, is not damaged goods in his eyes anymore. She isn’t just a refection of his pain anymore but a person worthy of respect.
Its such an unusual journey for a relationship to take on TV.
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