Iāve hesitated posting this for a couple weeks, but I reminded myself that I wanted my blog to be a place where I can write whatever I want. So hereās the letter I wrote to my first-day-of-exchange self, after 188 days here.
Happy first day of exchange! You donāt know anyone yet, but thatās okay. When you start school, youāll definitely feel pressured to immediately become friends with people who do everything just slightly differently. It takes time, but youāll get there. Keep trying, and donāt be afraid to switch between languages as you please; people are always Ā interested in what you have to say in English, but you suck at German. Youāll greet everyone on the train to Munich, and even meet some of the most admirable people during that ride, no matter how condescending they seem. There will come a point when you can tell anything to these people, just because they put themselves in the exact same crazy situation as you. They will come a point where you will be totally uncrackable. Youāll feel like anyone can know anything about you. Some days youāll feel like a celebrity. Some days youāll be invisible. Youāll kiss someone in the dark with 4 of your newfound best friends, and it will be one of those crazy stories. Literally overnight, youāll go to never having kissed anyone to making out with a Brazilian youāve just met and having orgy rumours buzzing around. And youāll kind of like it. Youāll learn to make a move. Yeah, thatās how confident youāll be. Youāll grow to wake up everyday and love living in this tiny town. Being in a car will become an unmistakably thrilling experience. Youāll realize youāve got a little thing for one of the first people in your new life, but thatās actually totally normal, believe it or not. Youāll be friends sort of but always kind of wonder if youāre actually just being irritating. Youāre slightly afraid of your host family finding out you arenāt perfect, but they know damn well and theyāre going to be a huge influence when you let them. Youāre going to want to get on a plane and be home in 15 hours, but you also know nothing will be the same. Youāll feel stuck⦠God, will you feel stuck, and anxious and confused too. Some days will never end, and others youāll Google āHow many days since August 19, 2015ā and feel numb looking at the results. Youāll feel like nothing matters where you are, but it does if you make it. Youāll start to think you regret a couple things, but you donāt. Ā About halfway through this fiasco, youāll absolutely freak out when it hits you how soon youāll be leaving, but you wonāt really comprehend why. Youāll talk to Quinn in Flensburg, and heāll tell you youāre just getting to the good part. And youāll ponder it and realize heās right. Youāll start to forget the rules, but you wonāt be the kind of person that will get sent home. Youāll learn to really go for it and fuck the rest. Youāll see your old life through two lenses, as if wearing a pair of old-fashioned 3D glasses; on one side, itās totally comfortable and determined. On the other, it has nothing new to offer you; youāve outgrown it. Youāre going to have a little bit of an identity crisis. When you see the American flag youāll get a really vivid proud feeling. When you see Americans, youāll want to cringe most of the time, though sometimes you need to veg out in your own culture. Yes, America has a culture. Just not one you can put your hand on easily. Youāll get irritated at yourself for not being more extroverted. Eventually youāll be the type of person who openly admits to liking pop music. Youāll wonder how you got such an incredible life. Youāll be someone you could only dream about becoming 10 years ago.