t r a v e s t y

I write to empty my mind and to fill my heart.

[sanctifyme-blog]

[thepersonalquotes]

[thepersonalquotes]

[sanctifyme-blog]

12:20

He values you. But he doesn't value you enough to go an extra mile for someone he claims he loves. How unfair that you only get to have the one of the weekends but never even just one of the week days. Even when you really deserve every day of every week. But when this coming weekend is not available, you have to wait another weekend for your time. Reschedule because he's too busy not to make time. Waiting. Why do you have to wait and ask for scraps of time that should have been rightfully yours without asking for it in the first place? Pathetic. You find yourself so pathetic for begging someone who claims to love you to love you better. Sadness is what's left of you. Sadness for the self whom you left to beg. Extreme sadness for the self who's finding happiness in the leftovers that you've begged. He values you. But just not enough to make time. -Nicole Briar

[sanctifyme-blog]

How do you let go of something you've spent a lifetime desperately loving?

- Nicole Briar

[sanctifyme-blog]

In China, we say: 'There are many dreams in a long night.' It has been a long night, but I don't know if I want to continue the dreams. It feels like I am walking on a little path, both sides are dark mountains and valleys. I am walking towards a little light in the distance. Walking, and walking, I am seeing that light diminishing. I am seeing myself walk towards the end of the love, the sad end. I love you more than I loved you before. I love you more than I should love you. But I must leave. I am losing myself. It is painful that I can't see myself. It is time for me to say those words you kept telling me recently. 'Yes, I agree with you. We can't be together.'

Xiaolu Guo, A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers

[wnq-writers]

I think the problem is that we depend on our lovers to love us the way we should love ourselves

Av.  (via wnq-writers)

[sanctifyme-blog]

[sanctifyme-blog]

Finally, the last straw. I'm letting go now. Its time for me to love myself.

Nicole Briar

[sanctifyme-blog]

How do you convince yourself to let go of someone whom for a long time was your world? How do you walk away from someone who gives you so much pain? How do you leave when every part of you wants to stay?

Nicole Briar

[sanctifyme-blog]

12:44 AM

How I wish to care a lot less so it won't hurt a lot more. - Nicole Briar (sanctifyme)

[sanctifyme-blog]

Being Set Aside

Breathing deeply to gather all the heartaches and pain, hoping it would all come out as I exhale. I look up at the ceiling trying to stop the tears that are trying to spill. Angrily wiping the errant tears, my heart trying to over rule my head to agree that if this is all he can give then I shall accept.

But then after a while, my heart, it would start to whimper in pain from being set aside.

It’s every time you break your promises. It’s every time you won’t make an effort to see me. It’s every time I ask you to be with me for three straight days but each day, you always have somewhere else to go to. It’s every time you won’t make a way for me and just let things be. It’s every time you won’t ask me to see you and it’s me who have to ask you instead, which is most of the time. It’s every time that in every month, I wish you would just go an extra mile or extra effort to show me that you love me for once but you don’t. You never do. It is every time that you forget that the little things matters the most to me, which is all the time. But most of all, it is every time I tell you what’s wrong but nothing is changing.

Over and over again I try to make you understand. Over and over again, I try to tell you that it doesn’t need to be extravagant. It doesn’t need to be elaborate. All I need is for you to show me that you love me and that you choose me everyday through the little things. It’s when you say something sweet. It’s when you do something endearing, like moving my strayed hair behind my ear. It’s when you don’t have money to spend for a date so instead you pick me up and we just spend the day at your house watching movies and pigging out on leftovers. It’s when you don’t just let things be because the universe is trying to conspire against us but instead you’d find a way to make things work in our favour. It’s when you’re being thoughtful. It’s when every once in a while you’d choose me instead of work. It is when you choose to spend your time with me without me asking for it. It is when you won’t let the day end without telling me you love me.

And everyday it breaks my already broken heart that you don’t choose me every single day in some way. In any way.

But then I would always end up accepting and telling myself that maybe you are not built to be like this. That it is me who should understand more. And it is me who should love more even when it feels like my love isn’t being returned.

My heart ruling my head, telling it over and over again that deep down you love me too as much as I love you. Until finally, finally my head is starting to believe the one big lie that my heart regards as truth.

- Nicole Briar (sanctifyme)

[sanctifyme-blog]

How do you?

[sanctifyme-blog]

Just when you thought you've reached your breaking point, you continue to love him for all that he is with all the pieces of your barely hanging heart.

Nicole Briar (sanctifyme)

[sanctifyme-blog]

Sweet Intimacy

Here I thought what I wanted was a crazy rollercoaster relationship filled with spontaneous adventures with you. As I look back through the window of our memories I realized, what I wanted the most was not those getaways, romantic dinner dates nor those long drives with no destination. But rather, simple moments of silence where you’d simply put your arms around me and pull me closer. A moment of clumsiness where’d you laugh at me before helping me up and tell me I’m still adorable in your eyes. Those messy ice cream moments where you’d simply wipe the evidence of the sweet delicacy off my face. Or maybe those random moments where you’d only look at me then suddenly tell me you love me. What I wanted the most are those small gestures of intimacy. Those small simple details that I thought doesn’t matter but turns out it was one of the vital things in a relationship. It’s not just love. Because loving someone isn’t enough if you don’t know how to make your other half feel that you love them. It doesn’t have to be the big things because the small things is more than enough. Small gestures of intimacy is all I’m asking. It breaks my battered heart because I don’t even get that. -Nicole Briar

[sanctifyme-blog]

The breaking point

And then all the remaining pieces of me completely fell apart. There was nothing left for me to give and nothing left for me to have. -Nicole Briar (sanctifyme)

[sanctifyme-blog]

All I wanted was to feel loved. Why was it so hard?

Nicole Briar