[thegirlwiththemooglehat]

Friends, romans, people who are nonbinary except at work, lend me your ears,

[sanguine-wanders]

My coworker of well over 10 years just passed away while driving today and it feels really surreal and sad. He could have retired by now but he was working as long as he still had the strength to keep in shape for his health. Fuck. :(

[thegirlwiththemooglehat]

Friends, romans, people who are nonbinary except at work, lend me your ears,

[shadeslayer]

overdraft fee is crazy like bro you literally know i dont have the money

[pronouncingitwang]

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

[yokowan]

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

[le-jardin-inculte]

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

[shithowdy]

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

[whitachi]

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

[araceil]

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

[trickstertime]

Eels are hilarious. Did you know we only recently found where they spawned? For literally thousands of years we've wondered. Like, ancient greeks wondered about it. Also a bunch of eels we thought were diffent species are just the same eels at different life stages but they look and act very different, lol

[trickstertime]

Ffs I didnt even say. Ok, so they live waaaay longer than anyone expected and they noodle around the Mediterranean and around England and France at various times.

On top of this they don't have sexual organs. This is the one that really fucked everyone up. The ancient Greeks said mad shit, one old timey English(?) guy spent years dissecting thousands and thousands of eels and never found their sexual organs.

Anyway, what happens is, when they're done fucking around in europe they say "right. Time for fuck!" and then fuck off out into the ocean and spend months swimming across the god damn Atlantic to over near the Americas. Then their digestive systems fully dissolve and THEN they develop sexual organs.

Why? You ask? Why do these sentient noodles swim half way accross the god damn world to fuck? Well the answer is easy really.

Pangaea.

Yea. Turns out when they first started off, all the contenants were right beside each other so it wasn't that far a trip. Over millions of years as the contenants spread out they just kinda went 'wow, it feels like this trip gets a little bit longer every time'. They weren't wrong and they sure as shit didn't stop.

So, yea, turns out that not only are the slippy guys in the Themes the same as the slippy guys the Mediterranean, but they're also statistically older than you and at the end of their life they fuck off over the ocean for about 5000 miles so they can loose their guts to grow dicks and pussys.

Eels!!

[jimbles-archive]

[tatters-the-bat]

My favorite YTP jokes in no particular order:

Cutting off big numbers to be really small, especially monetary values ("Owns a business worth 1.2 dollars" "Biggest in the world! Holds two")

Game show YTPs where the completely nonsensical answer the contestants give is actually correct

Introduction sections that are artificially extended because the same guy keeps appearing over and over between other people, bonus points if the additional copies of the guy are actually edited to be there afterward

saus will never not be funny

A very animated movement or expression like a gasp or a laugh being reversed midway through

When a commercial says something like "cool, right?" and then immediately goes "No, wrong, this is actually completely normal"

[siveine]

women love me for my death stranding backpack

[siveine]

#mydeathstrandingbackpack

[depsidase]

[randomencounters]

Encounter: Anvil Tree

[acidgirl]

this line delivery has lived in my head for 10 years

[acidgirl]

Just One Guy, Just One Spider-Man… -OR Woman?!? We don’t Know… forsure…..

[punished-venom-solitair-e]

[nettlewildfairy]

quick question why does your cat command you to print something on the printer

he really likes to watch the printer print. It seems like he thinks there’s some kind of creature in there that I have the mysterious power to summon that he can then hunt for sport?

he sticks his entire arm inside the printer and breaks it if I don’t put some kind of physical burrier between him and the printer but like he purrs so loud when it starts printing and will beg harder for people to print things than he will for treats.

he just loves hunting the printer so much. he even tried to climb inside the place the paper comes out of the printer when he was a kitten.

No matter where he is in the apartment if the printer makes a noise he sprints full speed. He also knows which button to press to get the printer to print like the ink levels info and alignment sheet, so you have to make sure it’s off or locked up or he will print nonstop himself and then attack the printer and jam it.

is it inconvenient that my cat is obsessed with the printer? yes, but damn if it’s not also adorable.

I don’t actually have a ton of photos of him sticking his whole arm in there though because stopping him from jamming the printer is usually a task that involves all of my arms and also all of my roommates arms.

[nettlewildfairy]

Thinking about the post because I had to unplug the printer today because he broke into the closet and printed the info sheet 3 times in a row and did bite me when I tried to stop him

The face of a boy who is sulking because I expelled him from the printer closet.

[nettlewildfairy]

the good news is that my cat is so happy, the bad news is that my sticker cutting machine that I got recently instils the same curiosity and lust for violence in my cat that my printer does so no matter what I do I will not know a moments peace.

[qqchurch]

[spin-the-wheel-polls]

you are now a cat in the warrior cats universe! Spin these wheels for your name!

Do you like it?

YES!!!

yes

eh it's okay

no.

IM MOON MOON

results/other

Remaining time: 5 days 9 hours

note: I (the owner of this blog and maker of wheels) am not into warrior cats! I just thought this would be fun to make

(prefixes and suffixes from @yarrowleef)

[spin-the-wheel-polls]

I DON'T WANNA BE DEAD WOLF

[misscrazyfangirl321]

Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable

[misscrazyfangirl321]

Being an adult will have you unironically sad about a parasite outbreak in fresh vegetables.

[graffitinight]

When you try to talk about enshittification, it sounds like conspiracy theories. (I'm not crazy)

Amazon made their service worse, to force people to pay for Prime.

Nowadays, if you order from Amazon, there is a week long delay before your package is shipped. (on purpose)

I remember when orders would ship out the same day. (I remember - it was real)

YouTube didn't used to have ads. Now, ads play in the middle of videos. (it's worse than TV ever was)

The best can opener I have owned is over 40 years old. Modern ones just don't hold up as well. (The ones I bought new broke ages ago)

The bread machine my mom got for her wedding lasted 30 years. It's been replaced twice in the last 5 years. (How can you fuck this up?)

The cardboard tubes in the middle of toilet paper rolls have gotten larger. (This too?) Companies increasing the price of the product while selling you less. (REALLY?)

It sounds crazy. (it's the truth) When you talk about it, YOU sound crazy. (it's true)

Even when people believe you (do they really), all they can say is "it sucks". (it's too big) Because the problem is so big, so pervasive, what can we even DO about it???

To get the necessary laws written and passed, we need politicians, to get the politicians elected we need information campaigns, to fund campaigns we need money, and all the money is being hoarded by the people profiting from enshittification. (it sounds so fake)

So I talk about enshittification (it sounds crazy), so people don't forget that things have been made worse on purpose (it's true), even though I sound crazy. (maybe I am)

[grimboigio]

It's called planned obsolescence and it was invented when lightbulbs could still run for 1000 years. Enshittification is the web-specific (and more specifically social media) version of that.

[potatocrisp]

Gettin the good ads again