Santorum 2012

This website is for people who are behind or want to be behind former Pennsylvania senator and current U.S. presidential candidate Rick Santorum. Thanks to you, we were the first Google result for "Santorum 2012" for almost all of the primaries season. What are we doing? Scouring America's cracks for santorum. Crevices too. In the true spirit of santorum, most of these pictures are taken with the crappiest camera possible. Submit your own and maybe some of the dignity of Santorum's name will rub off on yours. Go to "About" if you don't understand this website. For other, less literal ventures in bottom feeding, go to jpgclog.blogspot.com, my blog.

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Santorum Over Obama: A Cake, Revisited

Over 30,000 people have now gotten an eyeful of the Santorum Cake on BuzzFeed after it was featured on the front page. Hundreds of thousands more have seen it on various blogs and forums.

Who would have thought that at this point we’d be so close to the dream of stiffening our deflated elephant appendage and using it to penetrate the ass that is the Democratic Party? We got ourselves in there thanks to elbow grease from Rick and truckloads of financial lubricant gathered from thousands of donors, stored up over decades in their mattresses.

We already know that the economy is the biggest crack in Obama’s armor. Now all we have to do is find a hole in Obama’s “crack” and rip that crack open with our biggest tool, Rick Santorum.

Make sure to check out the original post about the Santorum Cake. The writing is just as important as the picture. And take a look at the About page for gratuitously ironic pictures of me with Rick Santorum.

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Reader Submission: Flame On, Santorum

"This was a culinary thank you to friends who made these beautiful linen napkins," writes reader Wm.McClements.

As you may know, creme brulee is a custardy dessert that's usually vanilla-flavored. There's nothing vanilla about the experience though. It takes a serious flamer to pour the sugar on and burn through it to get that crusty texture on top.

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I know this isn't food, but my good friend Sam Denlinger drew this today. 

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FudgePAC, First Attempt

Mud isn't the only thing we'll be slinging in this election!

Now that Santorum is making it rain and we have a tidal wave of Santorum love flowing in from thousands of donors, it's important that we use this to stop people from "fudging" the meaning of his name and the facts about his career. That's where FudgePAC comes in.

It's a little messy and the message is unclear, but that's politics for you. I might try to bake an even bigger, fudgier, santorumier concoction next week. Feel free to submit your own contribution to FudgePAC.

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First Contest Winner

Jack Shamama is the winner of our first contest with his unconventional "Santorum Soup" submission. That means he won $100 just for photoshopping the word "SANTORUM" onto a picture of a soup can. Maybe it was the element of mystery that enticed us. What is santorum soup? Is it creamy and white, or is it red with seeds and chunks in it? That's a can of worms (hey, maybe it's full of worms?) some of you might not want to open.

I only posted a couple of the many submissions we received because most of them weren't good enough to put up. 

BUT YOU HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO WIN $100. The second contest is going on right now. Seriously, people, just take a decent picture of some food item that you think looks like santorum and send it in and you could easily win $100. Just do it, Jesus.

Do it for Rick. I'm hoping for a steady stream of santorum to start flowing in soon.

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Flan on Dog Part II

A tribute to Rick's inspiring statements about homosexuality and other sexual acts (including "Man on Dog") that he believes Lawrence v. Texas legitimizes.

Since the Supreme Court apparently thinks we can do whatever we want with our wieners and buns in the privacy of our own homes, they're basically endorsing flan on dog, right?

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Reader Submission: Butterscotch Sampler

You can tell John Vick put his sweat and blood into this effort. The great thing about Santorum 2012 is that it isn't just meant for top chefs. It's meant for bottom tasters and dabblers like you and me.

Fudge isn't the only thing we pack here. Sometimes a crack experimenter like John here will find enough butterscotch to roll into a tasty mound. He then drizzles the leftover seminal fluids on the rim.

Notice the little raspberry pellets pervading his stream. He should get that checked out by a doctor. Every health expert in the country should be aware of this fruity concoction so they can better advise their patients on a healthy nighttime alternative to the cream pies and the diarrhea-inducing loads we're filled with every night.

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Flan on Dog Part I

Looking to beat the heat with your meat this summer? There's no better way to celebrate Cuatro de Julio than by pouring some cold flan on a hot dog. I would make some pun about wieners, but we've all had them shoved down our throats too much lately.

Oh hey, is that a large print of me with Rick Santorum in the background? Why does that exist?

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Reader Submission: Santorum Soup

Jack Shamama really opened a can of santorum on his competitors in our contest with this interesting submission based on a piece by noted soup fanatic Andy Warhol. It'd be great if Rick Santorum started his own soup company and slapped his name on the can a la Paul Newman. In a few years everybody would be slurping santorum! I know plenty of people who would be happy to drink it straight from Rick's can on its unveiling.

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Santorum Over Obama: A Cake

I made this cake to celebrate Santorum's coming domination of Barack H. O. Bama. The bread butt symbolizes Obama's base and the cream represents the truth bursting through.

I've made this before, however, and it's normally called a "cream-squeezed butt blast." If you're a rye guy like me, you know how deflating it can be when you finally get down to the butt. What you often find in your hands is too hard to save for the morning, too crusty for oil, and too weirdly shaped to put in your mouth. At least that's how it is with me. Maybe it's different for you, I don't know.

Fortunately I have a solution! Just stick some Cookies 'N' Cream between the two sides of the bun, heat things up, and have a camp meal that would delight a scoutmaster.

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Fried the Salami Part II

Here's a close-up (click to enlarge). I've been feeling the need to "hide the salami" because I'm clearly addicted to it.

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Fried the Salami Part I

We took the head of a log of salami, pressed mustard seeds into it, and fried it with blue cheese on top. Then we put it next to an uncooked portion of the salami for comparison. The result looks like what I pulled out of a bun on the street in Chelsea a few months ago.

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Buenos Dairies Part II:

Even the manliest man sometimes just needs to curdle.

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Buenos Dairies Part I:

Cottage cheese with a glop of dulce de leche mixed in.

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Mixed frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles and a few pieces of Captain Crunch. The perfect yeast confection.

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At March's DC Art and Science Evening Rendezvous event at the Keck Center there was free booze and food. Somehow I got ranch dressing on my brownie though, oh no! But, like art and science, the brownie and dressing actually went together pretty well. I had to get a picture with my cell phone. So now when I pack fudge I pack it with the white stuff.