Sober Saz

Just a 20-something year old gal trying to navigate through life without her ex-bestfriend.

[sarahjacobsxo]

3 Months

It's been 3 months since I lost my best friend.

That may seem a bit over dramatic to someone who hasn’t had to deal with addiction, however that is the only way I can begin to explain the complete loss I feel in my soul. Over the I have been going through the stages of grief as though I have lost my legit best friend.

The past 3 months have been a process of mourning and learning how to live all over again. I am learning how (and who) I really am.

Learning how to just be in social situations without the alcohol making it bearable (and me, tolerable).

Learning how to acknowledge and accept emotions for what they are, instead of just ignoring everything until it goes away (because let's face it, nothing really ever 'goes away').

Learning how to be okay with being present, instead of just wishing (and drinking) the time away. Just plotting away at life with no real purpose or drive.

I never truly believed the people in AA who claimed after 6 - 12 months that they had a moment of clarity and it all felt worth it and started making sense (being sober). I don’t see it at the moment. There isn’t a day I don’t wake up believing it would be easier just to drink for the rest of my life, whatever little time that may have been if I continued at the rate I was going. Because that is, it would be so much fucking easier to drink.

I feel as though I have lived 29 years in the past 3 months. Never in my short 5-6 year drinking career have I ever been late to work, regardless of how hungover I was from the night before or even if I was still over the limit. However, since not drinking, I have been late to work more times then I can count. Because I can’t function without it.

I don’t know if I have a problem, if I am an addict or if it is just a result of the clinical depression and anxiety. However I do know alcohol doesn’t serve me and I refuse to let something have that much power over me, that I feel compelled or as though I am unable to control my own actions.

Forever taking it one day at a time.

This is where I would usually say, 'I'll drink to that', but I think that would be in poor taste lol .

[sarahjacobsxo]

Forever Triggered.

*TW: potential trigger warning.*

I don't know how many times I've sat at on my shower floor with a razor blade (although I'm not going to disclose where I acquire the perfect type of blade from) and intentionally harmed myself just to stop myself from crying to death.

To feel so sickening sad that you would rather feel physical pain then the overwhelming sadness (which is the only way I can even begin to describe it), fucking sucks.

I thought that my days of self harm were in the past, that it was just a 'phase' I went through in my early to mid teens because I couldn't deal with my emotions properly, but I was kidding myself.

I had replaced a blade with the bottle, then daily binge drinking became the new release.

When they had taken the alcohol away from me, I cannot describe in words how painful it was. The sadness was so deep in the pit of my stomach, that I constantly felt naucious and couldn't stop crying. The only thing that I knew would help, was intentially harming myself again.

The first time I cut myself again (since I was a teen) I felt as though a weight had been lifted off me. It was a though all the negativity, all the pain, and all the sadness was just pouring out of me. I felt lighter.

However I know that having the physical markings to cover up isn't ideal, neither is having to try and explain to people if they notice and ask 'why?'.

I have taken to piercings and tattoos as a somewhat positive form of self harm. Who knew you could pay someone to hurt you and you get something that looks lovely in the process?

I know that there is only so much of my body that can be pierced and tattooed (cashflow permitting), but this will have to do until I can learn how to properly deal with my emotions.

I know, logically, ways I can help myself. It's the subconscious, emotional wiring that I'm fighting. But I'll get there.

One day at a time.

[sarahjacobsxo]

Kindness Towards Thyself.

I know in my soul that I need to learn how to be kinder to myself.

I'm trying, trying so fucking hard, to retrain the thoughts in my head. To make the voices like myself, instead of having this constant stream of negative and unnecessary thoughts.

Every time I have a negative thought towards myself, it's as though I am removing a vibrant piece of my soul and replacing it with a darker, more dull piece.

I don't want to or mean to be constantly negative all the time. I just find it harder then some to find the positives. I'm trying though. I'm trying so fucking hard.

If my friends ever had the same thoughts about themselves as I do about myself, my heart would honestly break.

I wouldn't wish upon anyone that they feel so angry towards themselves, that they would wish to harm themself. Why is it that I care so deeply for others, but so little for myself?

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

But I'm trying.

[amargedom]

“I have spent all my life resisting the desire to end it.”

—

[naturaekos]

[sarahjacobsxo]

Overdramatic? Me? Never.

The day that felt like the worse day of my life, was perhaps the day I was strongly advised never to drink again. You may think that sounds a bit overdramatic, but it's true.

It is though they had told me I was going to be unable to walk or dance ever again, as though I was losing a limb. It felt as though someone had literally just told me my best friend had died.

I couldn't bare to lose the one thing that brought me joy in the world. The one thing that truly gave me something to look forward to and mad it easier to get through the day without an overwhelming wave of sadness.

But alas, I had to say goodbye.

They gave me 4 days, the final 4 days, to have just 'one more drink'. Before they hopped me up on valium to get me through the withdrawal period. They said the first few days were going to be be the worse and that it would only get better from then on.

It has now been 21 days since my last drink.

And I can tell you now,

It's not getting any fucking better.

[findingmyrecovery]

You will have many conflicting feelings in recovery

You will hate your disorder while at the same time wanting more of it

You will resent your therapist for taking away your coping mechanisms while at the same time appreciating them for helping you

You will feel lost and confused and also like you’re finding yourself

You will be angry at yourself for being sick so long and love yourself for being able to get help

You do not have to reconcile all of your feelings that seem contradictory. Opposing feelings can exist together and you do not have to choose one or the other. You can allow yourself to feel both at the same time.

[enjoyrealbeauty]

[findingmyrecovery]

You are not a weak or pathetic person for having relied on self harm or an eating disorder to cope. If you judge and hate yourself for having “failed” by developing your problems that will make recovery so much harder. 

Self judgment and being overly critical towards yourself is a large part of what led to the harmful coping mechanisms. You don’t fight that with more self hate directed at something else. You counter it with acceptance of yourself, compassion about what you went through, and understanding that your younger self didn’t know what you know now.

[sarahjacobsxo]

🙌

[amargedom]

[sarahjacobsxo]

Progress, not Perfection

My first AA meeting was confronting. I'm pretty sure I was still in denial about having a problem at all, despite having two failed relationships and having being advised by GP's and therapists I'd need to get my drinking in check.

I just sat there, listened and cried my first meeting. Hearing the others speak and realising that I have done the same or thought the same. I had always felt so isolated, thinking I was the only one obsessed with alcohol. It made me realise I was exactly where I needed to me.

It's always been a joke, amongst my friends and colleagues, that I am an alcoholic. As it is well known I enjoy a drink (or 12) on the daily. We always laughed about my mis-adventures, broken bones, twisted limbs. However I don't think anyone realised how dependent I was on alcohol just to get me through another day.

I never knew that there were people that felt the same.

Knowing that people have been through similar situations and felt similarly to me has made me hopeful. Hopeful that it does get better. Hopeful that I will be able to live with myself one day.

Striving for progress, not perfection.

[naturaekos]

[sarahjacobsxo]

Worthy? I think not.

How did I ever get so lucky?

I honestly don't deserve the support and love I receive from so many people. I am not a good person. I mean, I am not a murderer or anything to horrid. I am just not a worthy person.

So many people have told me my importance in this world and how horrible it would be if I was not here. However I do not understand, how I could mean so much to someone, that the thought of me not being here makes them so upset.

Am I selfish? For not being able to handle the excruciating pain inside of me, that I could give up all the love in the world, to feel nothing at all?

I literally owe my life to these people. There is no way in hell I would've lived through the fucking horrible lows if it weren't for the fact I knew they were waiting on the other side.

I feel as though I owe it to them to at least try to take care of myself.

I owe it to them to live.

[sarahjacobsxo]

Jade

My sister. Whom I love more then anyone in the world. Even though it may not seem like it to her, I appreciate her and everything she does. Although she's quite abrupt and honest, I do appreciate it even though I don't react / respond appropriately at the best of times.

My sister is the smartest and strongest person I know. We have both had the same upbringing however where I have constantly played victim and used alcohol as an escape, she has risen and made positive progress towards combating whatever issues she may be dealing with.

I know it shouldn't be like this, but literally the only thing that matters to me is being someone she can be proud to call her sister. I am doing this for her. Getting better, trying to find better ways to deal with my clinical depression, taking care of myself, reacting more appropriately to situations.

My main motivator is knowing (hoping) one day she will look at me and believes I'm enough, just as I am.

I don't want her to think that I'm weak, because of the way I am, the way I'm wired. I don't want her to think that I'm lazy or that I'm not doing everything in my power to help myself, because I am trying. I am trying so fucking hard, every day.

My therapist has hounded into me the importance of doing this for me, not her. That it will not work, I will not get better, unless I am doing it for myself. Which is fair - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. However she is my primary motivator.

I'm doing it for her.

[mentalquotes]

Strength grows in the moments when yo think you can´t go on but you keep going anyway.

[sarahjacobsxo]

Ancor

*potential trigger warning*

There has been two times this year I've been close to ending it all. The usual things run through my head 'what would my sister think of me?', 'would my sister forgive me?', 'how would work cope without me?', 'how's my parents going to explain to my younger siblings?'.

Absolutely stuck. There's nothing worse then wanting the pain and sadness to completely go away, but not being able to end it.

Suicide isn't an option for me. Along with my clinical depression, I have anxiety. And the two constantly battle everyday. I want to fucking kill myself, however I am worried (until I'm sick in the stomach) about how my friends and family with feel.

Stuck.

I've planned it in my head. How I would do it. I've planned it in my head at length. But I couldn't, I can't, I won't.

[sarahjacobsxo]

Just the beginning(?)

It has been 11 days since I have had my last drink. These 11 days feel as though it has been the nightmare that just won’t bloody end. It feels as though it has been 11 months, instead of 11 days. I feel as though I am trudging through snow, determined to get to a destination within a particular timeframe however unable to possibly move any quicker. 

My GP and my clinician at the ‘clinic’ (you know, that place you go when they say you have a substance abuse issues), advised that the first couple of days were going to be the hardest. I strongly disagree. Those first three days, hopped up on Valium, were a fucking breeze. 

However the fourth day waking up ‘sober’ felt as though there was a dark, sad, aching hole in my chest. It was crippling. For the next 6 days I couldn’t. stop. fucking. crying. It was as though the feelings I had numbed with alcohol for the past 6 years had just been released and they weren’t being very forgiving.

I hate this, the aching pain and the deep deep sadness. I know in my head all the text-book ways to help when you get into ‘funks’ like this from countless self help books and extensive therapy. However I cannot make myself feel anything but just let myself be fucking miserable and wait it out. 

No matter how much good food I fueled my body with, no matter how hard I tried to fill the time with loved ones (we won’t talk about the sleep though lol). It was an achievement to get out of bed each morning. Bonus for showering.

I believe (know) that I drank so I didn’t have to feel like this. So that I didn’t have to feel all this sadness and anger. I don’t know how to control how I react to situations and it kills me knowing that I am aware how to, but I just can’t do anything to control it.

I’ve joined apps that are supposed to help you connect with people in a similar situations, however everyone who is 11 days sober is going on about how amazing they feel and all I want to do is jump off a fucking bridge. Like, fuck, good for them and all but when is it going to be my fucking break? 

Give it time they say, give it time.