i feel like i only come to this app when i am out of all other options. i only come here and rant when i have exhausted all other forms of coping.
i started a new job. my first job ever.
i am at school 40 hours a week and work 26. i'm not 66 hours a week.
this job? wasn't something i felt i was ready for. i know me and my anxiety well, but either school and the pandemic, i knew adding a job to to the mix would never end up well.
but, at the end of the day, my mom and i are on a single income. we are financially struggling and so i decided to get a job to help out. by decided, i mean she kept telling me i had to pay my car insurance.
so i got one. it's in fast food. and it sucks.
i have a had a panic attack everyday for the last week. i'm tired. mentally and physically exhausted to the bone.
i can't stop shaking. i've had a uti for what feels like weeks now and it's just not going away. i don't have time to drink water or eat anymore. i go to school, come home, have a very bad panic attack, go to work, come home, and have another.
i work a 10-5 tomorrow. a whole seven hours. and my nephews came to see me, but i can't even see them because i've been and going to be at work.
it's 11. i have got to be up early tomorrow so i can work a seven hour shift.
i hate life so much. it's and endless cycle of work and school with no real ending.
i can't quit. i've been here barely a week. that looks terrible on resumes. i could fuck up the rest of my life by doing that.
so what's the answer? how do i get out of this? how do i end this cycle of work and school with no consequences on my future?
i think, at this point, suicide is my answer. i don't want to die. i want out. i can't get out; so i'm left with death. it's my only real answer.
will i finally do it tonight? overdose?
probably not. we can't afford to take care of me incase i end up physically handicapped and then i really have no way out.
