Wayfaring’s Laws* of Medical Superstition
1. Upon utterance of the “q-word,” (a word too heinous to commit to writing here, even in the disguised form of one of its many synonyms), the Emergency Dept, clinic, or medical unit in which it was uttered will become inundated with emergencies, difficult patients, and a census out of ratio to staff within the hour.
2. Cloud color dominance submits to the traditional medical educational hierarchy. Thus, a white cloud resident paired with a black cloud attending on call will suffer the effects of the attending’s stormy weather. Medical students, like weathermen, are merely present to record the day’s events for posterity. Cloud forecasts from medical students have a positive predictive value of 14% and are not to be trusted.
3. A seemingly random fleeting thought regarding a patient of particularly disdainful character or of frequent visitation to one’s facility is bound to result in producing said patient’s presence in one’s clinic or ED before the end of the shift. Pronouncement of the patient’s name in the presence of colleagues will result in contact with said patient within the hour.
4. Precipitation precipitates precipitous deliveries. Inclement weather not only brings on labor but also predicts baby booms 9-10 months into the future. The same can be said for Full moons and full ERs and psych wards or Friday the 13ths and emergencies in clinic.
5. Bringing work to be done during one’s “downtime” is a guarantee of a busy day with no downtime.
6. If the functioning of a pager is in question, all that is required to elucidate an answer is to drop one’s pants in a bathroom stall or sit down to a meal. If one is able to complete their bodily eliminations or enjoy a full meal uninterrupted, the pager is surely in need of fresh batteries.
7. The more severe the weather, the more likely all scheduled patients will show up. Conversely, the more pleasant the weather, the less likely scheduled patients will show up. See also: the pre-chart principle, in which pre-charting on a patient prior to their arrival to clinic substantially increases the likelihood that the patient will not show up.
*Laws are still in the research phase and have not yet been found to be universally true, though the frequency of their occurrence and observation by medical personnel from a wide array of specialties and locales supports their factual nature.
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