Pan-ic at the murder brawl

I exist to spite God and fuck the king in yellow still farming alchemy, lvl22 Don't threaten me I'll blush

[gallery-of-night]

[satans-teddybear]

[teaboot]

Me (on shift at work): Hey how come you're listening to me if you don't listen to the other guy?

(Child I'm escorting off-site): Seemed like you'd give me less shit

Me: I mean. You haven't really done much worth giving you shit over, honestly.

Kid: So what about this? [pulls a bottle of fireball out of their cargo pocket]

Me: Jesus Christ

Me: Where did you get that?

Kid: [shrugs, puts it back in their jorts]

Me: ...

Me: I heard that stuff tastes like shit

Kid: It does

[teaboot]

Sometimes on guard duty I have to put my foot down about something and every so often the person I'm speaking to will say some shit like "You get off on this, don't you?"

And while I understand they MEAN to say "you're on a power trip" or "you are taking this rule too seriously", I am always, always struck by the temptation to go, "Yep. You got me. All my life I've been slowly training towards the ultimate sexual high of forcing a thirty-something tryhard in a backwards snapback to remove his dad's preowned Ford F-150 from the dollar store fire lane. Nothing revs my engine quite like forcing guys named Dustin to submit to regional traffic laws. Ooh, are you gonna be a dirty boy and leave it idling too?"

fuckin dipshit

[frankendykes-monster]

[ookap]

[teaboot]

I think that if you had enough daughters AND played your cards right you could spring Mambo Number Five out at the EXACT right gathering and shatter your entire family's trust forever

[teaboot]

The secret is to name them out of order with the lyrics so by the time anyone catches on it's too late

[teaboot]

For me personally the ideal gathering would be my funeral

[the-haiku-bot]

For me personally

the ideal gathering would

be my funeral

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[maxxie-or-smth]

how does blood make u feel

hot and bothered next question

[thehappysmiler]

[thehappysmiler]

favorites

[unforth]

[sic-semper-hominibus]

[duckingwriting]

[duckingwriting]

This thread lives rent free in my brain. And randomly came across my FB feed so of course I had to dig it up out of my Tumblr to share what fb shared.

[notemily]

I like this one

[foxgirltail]

Ghosts aren't real, it was probably just the house settling that gave you that blowjob

[saltoncity]

girl is that a knife in your hand or are you jerking off your sharp detachable penis in my stomach

[buffyfknlo]

Communication is key

[butch-king-frankenstein]

We need to start sexualizing the janitor's jumpsuit as the butch equivalent of the maid's uniform

[ayane-chan-loves-water]

me when the girl has thighs (i want my head to be between them)

🥵🥵🥵

[grenadineghost]

you want to be mommy’s adjective noun, don’t you, pet name? you want to verb and verb for mommy like a good gender

[itsjunetime]

clowngirl getting an orchiectomy and the surgeon just keeps removing ball after ball after ball after ball after

[dniudsnf]

i’m forever a lover of the stars and the moon

[pretty-pink-kiwi-pup]

Girl that bullied you in high school recognizing you at the bar, despite everything estrogen has done to your body since.

Girl that apologizes for all of that, says she was going through a lot figuring out she was gay and took it out on you and feels bad about it, so she buys you a few drinks to apologize.

Girl that feels really comfortable to be around after you notice you her turning away a few guys with a sharp glare so you can be alone with her.

Girl that offhandedly jokes that she can take you out back and give you one last wedgie "for old times sake"

Girl that looks confused when you get visibly blushy and flustered and moan like you need something when she places a hand on your back near your waistband.

Girl whose heartrate spikes when you accidentally let slip that youve been fantasizing about her doing that exact thing to you for the last 15 years.

Girl who smiles sadistically as she invites you back to her place so she can bully you the way she always wanted to back when she didnt know why she thought you were cute.

Girl that smirks and suddenly grips your panties and yanks them up right as youre about to get in the taxi just so she can hear all thoae adorable noises shes been missing for the past decade and a half

[pretty-pink-kiwi-pup]

Girl that pulls ypu into a hot passionate makeout session and then reaches back and pulls your panties up, forcing you to gasp and moan into her mouth because she wont let you pull away.

Girl that bounces you one single time because your panties are too cute and she doesnt wanna ruin them and stares in stunned silence as she finds out that thats all to make you cum your pretty little brains out.

Girl who cant stop herself from grinning while she listens to you apologize for it.

Girl who wont let you leave when you get embarrassed and tells you that its the hottest thing shes ever seen and cant wait to see if she can do it again

[pretty-pink-kiwi-pup]

Buncha cowards interacting with this post it seems 😔

[egberts]

i got that dog in me but it's poorly socialized and i don't take it on as many walks as i should