Mx Mars

| 13 11 14 | They/Them | 22 | | ABI | COMPLEX TRAUMA | BPD |

[saturnx23]

[saturnx23]

Find me a shot gun.

Throw the barrel down my throat.

And for the love of god.

Pull the trigger.

[saturnx23]

So learning my development of mental illness over the years. I began to think it purely started when i was 14 because i gained maladaptive behaviours. But when you think about it, what happened before i was 14? Why did i get to that point at 14 of unhealthy coping mechanisms?

I was 11 when my father asked me to move interstate, and i said yeah do what you want - i was a child giving solid advice to a man who as if didn’t want to be a father.

It was so normal on the weekend or every second to get the break and see him and my step siblings, and suddenly it stopped.

I was 12 and i was not practicing hygiene properly. I refused to brush my hair, it looked horrible, it was a massive knot tied up in a pony tail and it looked like i had a massive bump on my head. I refused to my mother, I would run away. I had no idea why i was actually doing this? Why didn’t I care about my presentation? If i was bullied in school at this time it honestly didn’t affect me because it’s like i was in a trance at school and thought i was normal. Like there were girls that said stupid things sometimes but I didn’t care and because I didn’t have friends in that class I think at one point I did move. But in my own world to this day I never reported anything, I didn’t really speak.

Maybe that’s why I held onto my childhood so much, I didn’t want it to end when it ended before that.

When I was 13 I went on a camp with my peers this was to make friends and have fun, but it didn’t go anywhere. I was developing breasts at this time and it was obvious and I didn’t get that bra till the end of the year. I thought I’d found a friend group but I didn’t feel like I exclusively fit in.

When I was 14 I started hurting myself and I blamed it on my brothers and sisters, feeling bullied in my home. I carried this for years. And if anything I saw my dad yearly but we always went to him. I remember this year when and I saw his identical twin instead excited, and disappointed to learn he had not arrived yet. I kept the self harm a good secret for a year and my boyfriend ended up spilling at school by the time I was 15.

I never really understood why, I always blamed the chaos of my childhood home. But I would move back in there if I could and it wasn’t because I realised this. It’s because I miss the connection. But the root blame predominantly being of an absent father when I became 11. And I mean even when we did go there it wasn’t great but there was a massive shift and it hurt me for years.

[saturnx23]

Why does life move so fast?

Nothing makes sense ever..

[saturnx23]

Sing me a song by the river

Carry me over board

I know you like the brisk sounds of the ocean

When I’m falling beneath the surface

Don’t you know I’m heaven on ice

Spin me round twice

Because everything nice ends in a quiver

But anything explored leaves in emotion

Anything else is quite dangerous

Here I go again, rolling the dice

When will I realise

Gambling is more than money

[saturnx23]

I dream of dandelions.

Spoiled soil festered by weeds.

Whereas the yellow fills the meadow.

Where I dream a life that could be.

Should be.

Weeds are to be exterminated no matter the anguish.

They will rise again,

And somewhere distant.

Maybe I will too.

[saturnx23]

Of course, I'm not leaving.

I'll just wish I could.

[saturnx23]

and when I was trying to tell you it was getting bad.

I was trying to tell you,

I am susceptible to falling down the wrong path.

I've been trying to show you I've gone off track,

and I need help getting back on.

See you only notice when its bad.

But this lives with me everyday and when it comes back around again,

its only worse, and more than the last.

this is trauma related.

and I feel like I am drowning because you dont know how to save me when I just want to feel love rather than my body telling me "well this is what you were born to do."

[saturnx23]

I don’t think anyone gets me, and that hits harder than I understand

[saturnx23]

With my hand on your heart, lost to the rhythm of the beat.

I look up at you, I feel myself sink.

Back in tranced by your eyes.

Studying the pattern along your lips and where they crease.

Wrapped in your arms, I find comfort and warmth and even more so when you tell me you love me.

When you say you got me.

Holding me tight, twiddling your fingers along my skin in your firm grasp.

I am hopelessly in love with you.

I would follow you to the end of the earth.

If the world was ending, you’re the person I would run to.

There’s a level of spontaneity in you that drives me insane. And in a good way.

With my head back on your chest.

Listening to your lungs rise and fall.

On a bad night it’s calming, comforting.

The more random drives we have with touches of romance.

Will keep on singing to me to never let you go.

You are my person.

And I’ve never really had one of those.

So you mean more than just a lot.

You were just the person I needed at the right time. Look how far we’ve come since.

I don’t want this to end and maybe one day, I’ll want more.

Because you’ve made me believe I can do anything.

With your hand interwoven into mine, it means everything.

It means everything to feel my soul devoured by yours.

Connected mind and body,

Falling at a high velocity for the last 3 months and it’s not slowing down and I don’t want it to.

[saturnx23]

I will forever be in love with myself even on the cloudy stormy days

[saturnx23]

It ached when you were gone.

To see you smile see you so both full of life.

I withered, crawled back into my space.

To watch you bloom in the ripe of spring.

I was dying and you just watered each other and here I am sitting in a pool of envy.

Wondering why I don’t have the same connection.

[saturnx23]

Back to step 1.

What ever that was.

.

.

.

;

Well I wanted to do my wrist but I was too scared so what does that say. I’m afraid to die. Ultimately.

[saturnx23]

Could you imagine if this was your last straw?

[saturnx23]

I just don’t have that same spark as I used to. Burnt out.

[saturnx23]

I handed items in earlier today but I ended up pulling apart another one successfully later.

Riddle me that.

Where did I go wrong.

[saturnx23]

I just don’t want to speak anymore