My "What did you hear me say?" post has definitely made its rounds, and I'm so glad it's been helpful to people. But I want to talk about being on the other side of that.
One thing I've been working on is remembering that what I hear isn't always what the other person meant.
For a long time, if someone said something that hurt me, I assumed my interpretation had to be the correct one. I reacted to what I thought they meant instead of getting curious about what they were actually trying to say.
Now, one of the first things I ask myself is, "Does this fit with what I know about this person?"
Obviously this won't apply to every relationship. But with the people in my life whose opinions matter the most to me, I know their character. I know they aren't trying to intentionally hurt me.
That gives me enough room to pause and think, "If they probably didn't mean to hurt me, is there another way I could understand what they said?"
For example, my husband might text me while he's at work and say, "Can we talk about this when I get home?"
My first thought might be, I'm not important enough for him to make time for me right now, or He doesn't want to deal with me.
But knowing who he is, that's probably not what he means at all. What he usually means is, This conversation matters, and I don't want to have it over text while I'm distracted at work. I want to give you my full attention when I get home.
If I'm still unsure, I ask. "Hey, when you said , what I heard was... I don't think that's what you meant though. Can you explain what you meant or say it another way?"
More often than not, I find out we were having two completely different conversations without even realizing it.
That's one of the reasons I like asking, "What did you hear me say?" It reminds me that communication isn't just about what someone says. It's also about what the other person hears. And sometimes, both people walk away believing the conversation meant something completely different.
