Scarlet Rose Advice

Hello darlings! Need a friend or a shoulder to lean on? Have questions about love, sex, relationships or just life in general? Please feel free to drop me a line. I'll gladly listen and be glad to help. Anonymous questions are also welcomed.

[scarletroseadvice]

I was wondering if you could help. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years now. Recently, even though we both love each other, I've been wondering if marriage was necessary as a part of our relationship and wonder if she would be happier with someone else.

Marriage is not a necessary part of building a relationship but there are legal and financial advantages you both may want to have. If this has been weighing on your mind, and I would say you should discuss this with your girlfriend. Tell her how she makes you feel and that marriage is not a requirement for you sticking around with her as long as she desires you and you desire her. Marriage is a legal agreement after all and one no one should ever rush into lightly. https://www.theknot.com/content/benefits-of-marriage

[scarletroseadvice]

Hey Scarlet, I've been single since I dropped out of high school and I've been trying to find the girl of my dreams for a while; but I've been scared that this girl will either not love me or use me for sex. What should I do?

I think your focus should be on yourself first. If you’re happy with who you are, your situation in life, and what you’re doing with it then, by all means, feel good and try to meet this woman, wherever she is. If you’re not, then consider doing things to better improve yourself in your education, your job, your health, etc. Who knows? Perhaps on your path towards self improvement you might meet that person and it’ll grow into a natural friendship and blossom into more.

[askscarletrose]

Thanksgiving: A Survival Guide

Chances are some of you are going to be visiting friends and family this year and while you love them a great deal, there is at least someone there who will get on your nerves and their opinions (political, religious, etc) will test your patience. Then there are other social landmines to consider depending on your situation. In the spirit of the season, I compiled a few general tips I myself practice whenever I have to go to these family gatherings and want to avoid possible contentions.

Being A Good Guest/Host Means Be Accommodating: You don’t necessarily have to agree with everything your guest or the host says and does but everyone should respect the basic rules of the house and common decency. So, if it’s normal to remove your shoes before going past the front door or if someone you know is coming has a food allergy or dietary restriction then be aware and show your respect to your guests and to the host so you can accommodate their needs. If at the dinner table they tell you their tradition is to say Grace and you aren’t comfortable with that, ask the host if you are permitted to just remain silent or be excused from the table. If your guest has their own traditions and they ask to share it with you, be at least considerate enough to listen and if you allow it in your house consider joining in. By being patient and understanding of one another, it can go a long way in making sure everyone feels welcomed, despite minor differences in lifestyles.

Ask Questions Before Reacting: Someone may talk about current events in the news or about politics, or their religious beliefs and they may have very strong opinions at that. Often times when this happens, many people feel almost compelled to respond if they feel they heard something wrong and adverse to their positions. This wanting to react will not help you socially in a time where we are all trying to break bread and enjoy a peaceful meal with one another. Instead, if you feel compelled to respond to them try instead to ask them questions about why they feel this way. Give them a chance to share themselves and maybe even go as far to offer to share your own views too. You don’t have to necessarily agree or convince each other that one person was wrong in their views, but this sharing of opinions can possibly strengthen your bonds with one another. If what they are saying though is absolutely abhorrent to you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with making an exit from the room to put a temporary physical distance from your source of aggravation or choosing to confront them about it. If you choose to confront them, please be mindful of what you say and possible consequences for you and the other guests. Ultimately, it’s on you to decide if you want to take this route.

Provide Escape Routes: This bit of advice is especially aimed at hosts: “Family time” is not for everyone. Some people have a tough time when dealing with large crowds, or you might have a small gathering and being constantly in the same space with the same people for hours can be exhausting. Therefore, make sure there are ways for the shyer or more intimidated to get away. If its noisy in the living room as people are watching “the game”, offer to set up a card game or a movie in a different room. If you’re the host, ask for volunteers in the kitchen so they can socialize while feeling useful. And if a guest really needs to get away, don’t guilt them into staying but offer them a quiet space and let them know they are welcomed to stay or leave as they need too.

If You Stay The Night…: This goes to the guests especially, if you are offered to spend the night at their place rather taking a car ride home or to a hotel then show a little gratitude and keep your things nice and neat. Same goes after you use their bathroom, kitchen, guest bedroom, etc while you are there. Essentially, treat their space like you would want someone else to treat your own. And if you’re there too with your significant other, being intimate with them may or may not be allowed, just use your best judgment (that goes to both of you).

A lot of this may have sounded like common sense but there are times common sense just doesn’t quite stick when faced with the stress of the holidays and trying so hard to measure yourselves up to some picturesque Norman Rockwell painting. Doing so will just drive you crazy and you already have enough stuff going on that you don’t need the added stress. Instead, follow some of my advice above and whenever you feel that stress is budding up, take a step back, breath, and remind yourself why you’re involved. To have good tidings with friends and family. After all, that is what this and other holidays are all about.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[wheeloffortune-design]

How I learned to deal with overwhelming anxiety.

[spoonie-living]

A cute comic and some good advice! Go on and add this one to your toolbox, anxious friends ❤️

A loose transcription can be found here, for VI folks using screenreaders.

[askscarletrose]

Scarlet, It's been a while. I thought I had done all the things you suggested but things haven't improved. My love live has gone stale and cold. I'm still devoted to my S/O but more and more I realize just how 'asexual' they are. I still love them. I won't cheat. I've just gotten really good at either ignoring my lust or leveraging pornography to fill that need. I think I should be ashamed but I'm not. I feel trapped by my morals. I'm happy, but I want sex too. Is that so wrong? Please help...

Your devotion to your S/O is admirable.

That being said, the best thing to do at this point is to show them that undying love and devotion to them at the same time you tell them your concerns and needs for sex and intimacy. I can’t answer what their reasons are, and being “asexual” can mean different things to different people. If you and your S/O haven’t had this talk yet, maybe it’s time to give them the chance to explain their position. Of course, do this in the comfort and safety in a place they and time of their own choosing but make it clear you need this talk to clear the air.

It isn’t wrong to desire more sex in your love life with a partner you love this much, but it would be unfair to them if you don’t make your needs known in a healthy and appropriate way. You might if insurance and time allow it seek a relationship therapist. There is nothing wrong or shameful in doing so. In fact, it could be the start to helping both of you finding a healthy middle ground when it comes to sex and intimacy.

Keep doing what you’re doing in regards to the support and devotion you’re giving them. Tell them every now and them just how much you love them and that you treasure this relationship. This will be especially important as you start searching with them possible answers to address this topic.

I wish you nothing but the best and may both of you keep each other's hearts well in hand.

[scarletrosensfw]

Hi scarlet I would like to ask you for some serious advice... I am in a relationship with a girl and it's getting serious. To be honest I'm fucking scared. I'm sure her and I have been thinking on the same topic but have been too nervous to touch... Sex. The problem is I'm a virgin and I don't know how to approach it. You seem to very good at helping people in the kind of situations.

Good evening and before I begin answering your question, I just want to say I’m really touched you feel confident enough to speak openly about your fears on this subject. There are those who feel too embarrassed to come forward and seek advice or support when facing issues about sex. So, right now I must tell you that you’re doing great being able to do this out and in the open.

From what I’m hearing, this might be an issue more about intimacy than just sex. Now, sex in of itself is not the only way for a couple to feel this close. You could feel this in quiet moments with them sharing something you both love. Enjoying each others presence and company in quiet moments. Accomplishing some task together you both were passionate about. Creating something new together. All these things are good examples of intimacy and reasons why I say “partners” and not just “lovers” when I talk about relationships.

Still, you want to know more about pursuing sex in a relationship, so I’ll try and help you sort through these emotions.

First and foremost, sex itself is an expression of trust as much as being an act of intimacy and seeking pleasure. When you agree to have sex with someone else, you’re going to drop some if not all those defenses and allow some vulnerability. The fear of not meeting the other person’s expectations or the fear of being hurt when so exposed can push some people away from sex or intimacy in general. The rewards though can be immense both physically and emotionally as you intertwine with another person and let those feelings of loneliness and doubt just melt away for a while as you connect with another person. So it’s very important to make sure she is on the same page as you. Seriously, when you can strike up the nerve to tell her in private let her know you’ve been thinking about her in that way and you feel ready but you need to know if she is ready too. Sometimes this might just *happen* in the heat of the moment when you’re both kissing and holding one another. That is okay too so long as you get the other person’s permission. If at any point they want you to stop or if you feel you’re not ready, listen to your partner and your partner should listen to you as well. This is something the two of you must decide together and not feel obligated or coerced into doing.

Second, you’re being a virgin is not a hindrance, it’s just a fact. Obviously, we all started as virgins and remained so for some time. So just be open about that with her and if she is a virgin too, then this is just something you two will have to discover together. It’ll be awkward, maybe even funny at times (and trust me, it never stops being sometimes funny and awkward as you get more experienced) but that makes it a good thing as you both learn about each other and give one another a pleasurable experience.

Lastly, after you have sex with someone (especially for the first time) do yourselves a favor. Cuddle, talk, and rest together. Ask her how she feels and be prepared to answer truthfully in kind. Take it from my own personal experience, that feeling of comfort and what some will refer to as “the afterglow” is something to be shared and not experienced alone.

Anyhow, if you need any more specific advice about this please feel free to ask me. Same goes for anyone else out there reading this. Be fabulous friends, and be generous lovers too boot.

[scarletrosensfw]

Hey Scarlet, so I have been friends with this one girl for 5-6 years already when we met at school, I was wondering if you have any advice on how am I going to ask her out.

Yes… go ask her!

Seriously, just ask her if she wants to go out and do something fun with you. If she is comfortable spending time with you without others around than my goodness, that’s a date honey!

Don’t be awkward about it by prefacing that question by saying “Like a date-date” or some cutesy crap like that. There is no need to make her preemptively get the feeling you’re uncomfortable or that she *should* be uncomfortable. Just be casual about it.

Also, if she does ask you if this is an intimate thing or something on the lines of going out like boyfriend and girlfriend, just tell her you don’t know yet but you do know you want to have a good time with her.

Essentially, treat this like your both adults who know and like each other very well and it should feel just normal to go out and do stuff together. If this is meant to become more serious, allow it to happen on its own. Don’t force the issue.

[askscarletrose]

I was wondering if you have any advice on preventing unwanted pregnancies, on top of the basic "Have the guy wrap up, and have the girl take the pill"? I'm a guy, and a few of my women friends have made passes at me, and I'm very interested. We're all fine with the idea of consenting adults having sex just for fun without a relationship, but I'm 21, and I'm terrified of getting one of them pregnant and losing my career before it even starts. Is there anything I can do to help minimize this risk?

If you do intend to engage in “Casual sex” relationships with anyone it’s always a good bet to do so while practicing safe sex. I wouldn’t advise any other way. Lets face it, there are a lot of things that can go wrong out there with STDs and unwanted pregnancies so it’s for both your safety and sanity (not to mention that of your partner(s) as well)

To answer your question however there is little much else you can do. I would say however you don’t need to think that any and every intimate encounter must be one where you engage in sex in the traditional sense. You aught to speak with your partner(s) about this, and if indeed there are multiple you aught to make sure they are WELL aware of your situation and that there are multiple people you are seeing this way. It’s only fair they understand full well what they are getting into if they wish to be with you in a sexual way. But I digress, what I’m talking about of course is other forms of sexual release, oral, anal, and mutual masturbation. Early in any relationship that turns sexual it’s smart and considerate to know what your partner is willing and unwilling to engage in. What her/his hard-lines are and to respect them. You too should share your own and what hopes/expectations you have together.

Now of course this isn’t going to be a civil sit down where the two of you just list off things as if hashing out a contract. Be engaging! Talk about it like you would a “serious date” and bring up what her/his turn ons and off. Be willing to share first and share the juicy stuff up front! Help them find their comfort zone and you both will walk into this relationship with eyes wide opened.

As for options for what kinds of safe sex practices are out there here is a list from Planned Parent hood. Give it a good read!

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control-4211.htm

There is of course the choice to not engage in actual sex at all… And if you have a partner who chooses this respect his or her wish. You don’t need Sex to be intimate with someone. Trust me.

[askscarletrose]

I'm almost 30, and I've been single most of my adult life. I genuinely believe that I'd be a good catch for any girl and have a lot to offer in a relationship. But I lack the natural charisma to make good first impressions, and my work/school life tends to isolate me and leaves little time to socialize. Dating sites have been unhelpful, and in general I'm just starting to feel really pessimistic about meeting anyone, while it seems like most people my age are thinking about marriage. Any advice?

Life/Work balance can be stressful and difficult and it sounds to me that right now your Work has taken up most of your Life. This isn’t to say that it’s not possible for you to find or rather “discover” someone who can be a potential love interest in your life. If dating sites are not doing it for you, then think differently. Depending on where you live, there are “singles” events that's the whole purpose is to go out there with a group, have fun, and get a chance to meet people. And I don’t mean “speed dating”. I mean actual events. This will require some research and see if any of them offer “trials” before having to pay something like club dues or membership fees.

Let’s not forget there might be free options too! Find a hobby group that corresponds to something you like doing anyhow. See where that takes you.

[askscarletrose]

Hello Scarlett, I hope you're doing well today. I've come to ask you for some advice. I've received the equivalent to an ultimatum, and will be needing to move out in the next five months. I'm in poor health in terms of physical fitness, I've little in terms of practiced skills / trades, and I'm somewhat awful at saving money. I can budget myself if need to, strangely enough. My question to you is this: I don't know what to do and I'm freaking out. Can you please help me?

Hello Anony

I got your message and I must tell you your situation though as stressful as it might be is still possibly manageable. The good news is that you have a timetable to work with. You’re not being kicked out in the cold with no warning or preparation.

With what time you have right now, I’d make the rounds and reach out to your friends and other family members to let them know your situation. See what arrangments are possible and be prepared to negotiate. I myself was in such a predicament a few years back and I had to stay with others, ended up cooking most of their meals and managing their kitchen/pantry as part of my cost of living with them.

If that is not going to be possible and you can’t find a place to rent with others, you may have to grit your teeth and go through section 8 housing. I’ll provide you a link and you can go through there to learn more about eligibility.

If you’re not currently employed anywhere, you should begin applying aggressively for work. When I mean aggressively, I mean take time every day to find at minimum one job you can apply for. You may also want to use whatever resources your state provides in job placement. It might mean you’ll have to work temp jobs, but those jobs can help you beef up your resume and sometimes lead you towards a permanent assignment.

To my followers and friends:

If you have advice or experiences like this Anon and you wish to share, please reblog and share them!

https://www.hud.gov/topics/housing_choice_voucher_program_section_8

https://www.job-hunt.org/findingjobs/findingjobs_recruiters.shtml

Keep us posted dear!

I hope things work out right for you in the end.

[scarletroseadvice]

Going off that other anon's ask, is it wrong to want to skip my grandmother's funeral? She's been abusive, both physically and emotionally, towards multiple members of my family, as well as being extremely manipulative and controlling. At the same time, she's adept at pretending to be a sweet little old lady, and while it doesn't make up for her abuse, she has helped me and my family out a few times. I don't want to go, but I don't want the drama from not going.

Hello anon.

Family obligations are a difficult and a deeply personal thing to consider. On one hand you have to consider the feelings and needs of others around you but on the other hand, like I said to the previous anon you must consider your own needs too. That decision isn’t always the easiest thing to figure out.

Your grandmother doesn’t sound like an all too pleasant person and I’m sorry that in life she couldn’t have been better to you and others in your family. If I were you personally, I would talk to other family members and those close to you and just be honest with them about your emotions towards her. Let them know how you resented her manipulations and you feel these emotions are inappropriate for a funeral. See if any of them feel the same way. I would then base my decision to go or not on what they feel about it as a whole. Perhaps you all could just attend the services but immediately depart for something to do together, something positive and bonding with the family you do love. Or maybe even not go altogether if they feel too that you won’t be able to contain your negative emotions during this somber affair.

Either way, it would be far better than then alternative of bottling up your real feelings and going anyways. You would be sitting there, in your own struggle with no one knowing it. That to me would be far worse.

[scarletroseadvice]

Is it wrong to not want to attend a sibling's wedding because they have been a bigot towards you. I am out as a transgender woman to the vast majority of my family, but when it came to an older brother he was almost entirely negative about it (comparing me to a drag queen and claiming I am mentally ill). Naturally I know my parents would want me to still go because he is family, but so far he has shown me zero respect to the point of naming me as a groomsman without asking. Thoughts?

Hello, fellow beautiful sister.

I wish you and your brother could both be happy at this important time in his life but if he doesn’t respect you for being who you truly are then you are under no obligation to respect him in kind. He is losing connection to his sister as far as I’m concerned for not acknowledging and respecting you.

As for what I advise, I say you should speak to your parents about this. Tell them how you feel conflicted. Let them know how you feel about your brother being dismissive of you yet the respect you have for your parents and wanting to follow whatever obligation you feel they have of you in this family. Let them know how it’s stressing you and see if they will support you either not attending or only attending as a guest. If you’re adamant about not wanting to attend, stick to your guns about it. Even if they don’t fully support your not wanting to go, by telling them about your internal conflict over your brother and your family obligations they will have a better understanding of the situation.

Your happiness and well being is just as important as your family obligations. You shouldn’t have to struggle to choose one over the other.

[askscarletrose]

Hey Scarlet. It's Jordan. It's been too long since I last asked for advice(I believe it was about breaking out of my "Third Wheel Syndrome"). I wanna ask you for a new piece of advice now. My dad is one who believes he knows what's better for me, but disregards my thoughts and ideals for what I want to do with my future. I'm reaching my rope's end. What should I do? I don't want to cut ties with him, but I need him to know that my life is my life to live.

Hello Jordan!

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?

I’m sorry to hear you and your father aren’t seeing eye-to-eye about who you are and what you’re capable of and truth be told, it’s hard to get a good read on what your father wants or expects of you without further information. However, it doesn’t mean there isn’t help out there.

This part is going to be hard to listen but take this lesson well…

In the end, you have no one to answer to but yourself. Your parent’s approval, while can be helpful in your development, is not necessary for your own success.

Success is not always measured in wealth, power, or being able to duplicate someone else’s path exactly. Success could be measured by the friends you’ve made, places you’ve gone, how many people you have helped. It could be a LOT of things and it’s up to you to decide what those things are.

So where to from here? I say you find like-minded people who have shown you support and learn from them. Take opportunities when presented and go for it. Keep positive and keep on fighting for what you know is right for yourself. You might very well succeed or you may run into temporary periods of failure but the point is that YOU choose this path and are making it work for you.

If he starts to take notice that your future is one where he can choose to be part of it or watch from afar as you seek what lies beyond, that’ll be his move to make. You can invite him to follow and support you if you want, but don’t for one second think it’s necessary for you to succeed. I wish you the best of luck Jordan and I hope your father understands what it means to support a person like you as you transition from being just their child to being an adult and a peer.

[askscarletrose]

Scarlet what would your advice be for developing into a more social person? I hate that I get so fidgety in large social gatherings that I need to leave early or without saying anything. I don't know what is making me like this and i'm afraid something might be wrong with me.

Hello Anony!

Let me start off by saying that you’re not alone in your feelings about social gatherings. There are so many people who feel like you do. In fact, it reminds me of a funny fact…

Statistically speaking, more people are afraid of public speaking then they are afraid of dying. Meaning, more people rather be the person in a casket then be the one giving the eulogy at a funeral.

Now with that aside, honey listen up. Those fidgety feelings you’re experiencing is likely to be your natural flight or fight responses kicking in. You’re nervous, you’re in a new environment, that monkey brain of yours is being flooded with a slight imbalance of norepinephrine and adrenaline which makes you uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable.

When you’re feeling this way, no matter the level of intensity I find there are a few things that can help most people. 

Be with the familiar: You got involved in this social gathering because one or two people there are people you already associate with right? Okay then! Stay with them, and see if they act sort of a social buffer. Let them help you get introduced and mingle with others. Like a set of training wheels, they’ll get you through the first couple of rides and get you used to these new people. Eventually, you can take those wheels off and move on your own.

Center yourself: If you’re truly feeling panicked and don’t want to “lose face” in front of these people, find a more quiet space at the event and relax your body. Take deep breaths in through the nose and slowly exhale through the mouth. Count to ten and clear your mind. A short meditation exercise. Think of it like an emotional reset button.

Find common interests: Pay attention to your environment, see what people are talking about. See if people are playing games too. Eventually, you’ll hear or see something in your interest and you can use that as a way to befriend people you haven’t yet met with. It’s amazing how quickly total strangers can become friends just because they both like and know about the same hobby whether it’s about video games, music, sports, computers, frisbee golf!

Stick with it Anony, the more you try and get out there the easier it gets. Even if you don’t ever fully come out of your shell that’s okay too. What matters is that you make the effort and if in that trouble, you make a few new friends, all the better. Stay fabulous honey, I hope for good things in your endeavors. 

[audiomollyreplies]

[scarletrosensfw]

Is it normal for someone to become over emotional when their partner breaks up with them? As in to the point they can't think straight, and make irrational decisions?

When you are in a relationship, it is not uncommon to form some attachments. Depending on how your relationship was like, you might have deep needs and desires for the other person but now you’re separated and it’s like a part of you was left behind with them. This emotional pain will be around for some time. It’s gonna suck and there is no switch you can flip to make it just go away. But if you want to make it better and help get closer to normal you’re going to have to take it day by day and get out there doing “normal” again, whatever that is for you. And not only that, get out there and do something new too! Shake up your current routine. It helps. Friends and family you like helps too. Spend time with them and try and be just “you” for a while.

[scarletroseadvice]

Is it normal for a guy in their twenties not to really be that crazy about sex? It feels good, I don't dislike it, but every single person I grew up around and every bit of media gave me the impression that I'd basically be looking to fuck everything that moved, and I just don't feel that keen on it. For that matter, I'm nowhere near as eager as everyone around me to be in a relationship. Is this normal or am I weird?

What is normal?

Look anony, forget what you’ve seen in the movies and on TV. There is no true “normal” when it comes to sex except what is normal for you. So long no one was hurt and your partner gave consent and wasn’t a minor than that’s alright by me! You could have no sex at all and that is still your normal and damn anyone else saying it’s not.

We all have ideas in our heads of what sex can be like. TV, movies, advertisements, etc can and had given an unrealistic and way too idealized idea about sex. Forgetting for some it can be stressful, gross, and intimidating. If I and others who claim they are “sex positive” are going to be true to our word we have to admit that it is perfectly normal for some who aren’t all that into sex or are totally asexual. And that’s okay.

So, in short? We’re all weird to someone else and that is normal.