Scattered Haystack @scatteredhaystack - Tumblr Blog

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In 5 days, it will be a month and it still sucks to think that you don’t want me anymore. I still can’t believe that in a snap, one mistake did it. One mistake that wasn’t even a good enough reason for you to break up with me. But you never thought twice about wanting to give up on me... on you... on us.

I still can’t bear the thought of having to wake up everyday and not receiving a text or any form of message from you.

I got so used to you calling me by our endearment that calling me by my first name gives me so much pain.

You have no idea what kind of struggle I go through everyday.

Every morning, I wake up wishing that I wouldn’t cry but not a day goes by that a tear isn’t shed.

Every morning I wake up wanting to not have the urge to look at that green circle Facebook messenger indicator to see if you’re online. If you are not online, I always want to know how long it has been since your last log in so I check all the time.

I want to not have the urge to want to text you or message you or call you. Just because I never do those things, doesn’t mean I don’t want to. You have no idea what pain it brings me.

I want to stop wanting you.

I want the pain to stop.

It sucks to think that maybe you’re just not telling me that you want me back.

It sucks that I miss you more and more every single fucking day.

It sucks that I still love you so much... so much.

I am not angry at you. No, I’m not. I am angry at the promises you made and all the things you said about not giving up on us no matter how shallow or deep the reason of the argument may be. Every time I remember, the pain just goes on and on and on because you did the opposite of what you said. How can your words sound so right yet your actions be so ironic?

I feel so pathetic for still wanting you. I still blame myself and even though people tell to me not do so. I just can’t stop.

I want to forget and just go back to the good old times where we would just talk and just keep our feelings to ourselves.

I wish I could reverse everything. But I can’t.

Random Writing 06062016

I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend right now and I must say we are pretty happy. Happy with life and our love for each other. What sucks though is that we can’t be intimate with each other IYKWIM.

I mean yeah, sure. Real relationships are more than just doing the deed but sometimes I crave it... he does too. So our relationship is full of phone sex and video sex. I know, not so classy.

I do love him though. I really do. It just sucks sometimes. On moments that you want someone to hold you when you feel lonely and when you want to hold his hand. I just want to die of loneliness sometimes.

Random 12-18-15 (Fri)

I know. I’m very confused at the moment given that a few weeks ago, I had one of the biggest heartbreaks I had in years. I have not felt so devastated in 8 years. That was one of the worsts.

I never intended to kiss you that Saturday night. I never intended that we be that close and be so “lovey-dovey” at a very fast pace. I don’t want to think that I like you but maybe, just maybe, I really do. I can’t get you out of my head. I don’t know if it’s wrong that I’m feeling all of this at lightning speed. What I do know is I feel happy when we talk. I felt so safe when you hugged me. It felt so right.

People tell me it’s wrong and that I’m not thinking with my head. They’re being very protective of me at the moment and I get that. These people have seen me breakdown and lose my sh-t during the first few days of my recent heartbreak. They probably just don’t want me to go through that same situation again that’s why the need to meddle with what I do is a must for them. The thing is, I do know what I’m doing and I know that I am not ready to be in another relationship.

Confrontation is my worst enemy. You can barely get anything from me unless provoked to a level of being uncomfortable. I was confronted about how fast and how weird the situation is for them. I never thought that it was weird. I was probably being too selfish because all I thought of was my happiness and what I wanted at that very moment. Was it really wrong that I wanted that? You never thought of it as weird until you were confronted - over-the-phone, if I may add. I’m so sorry for that. I know I said sorry so many times already but I just can’t shake it out of my system.

I do need to take my time - for myself and for the people around us.

I can’t wait for you to come back. The distance is killing me. 25 days, hun. 25 more days. By then, we’ll see what’s going to happen. We will talk some more.

I know I am not yet sure of my feelings for you but I do know that I miss you.

My boyfriend’s sisters are weird. There’s two of them. One is a war freak. Seriously can’t get enough of spats especially between family members. I think I can’t take them seriously. I don’t know.

paramooreee

yelyahwilliams

Birdhouse In Your Soul!

I'm currently thinking about my mom's offer to support me once again for school. I'm thinking she is right. She has a point. Though it may be tough, I feel like it's for the best. I have to quit my current job though & focus on studies. I might opt for a much easier job like becoming an ESL teacher. I don't know yet. I've got expenses that need taking care of. T_T

This is just some random writing. I don't even know which category it belongs to. I don't want to finish college anymore. I wish there was a way my mom would understand that though. I think she'll freak out. I'll try to see what's up later at school though but I highly doubt I've got the chance to continue. I wish my parents would understand. School isn't in my line of calling. Yes, it would bring you much closer to a better life & a great position in a big company. But all I wanna do is sing, sing, sing! Music is in my blood, I'm pretty sure of that.

Random Writings #1 - (Based on stories I hear from friends)

So this is a story about my friend's first one night stand with a stranger. I don't really know why I'm writing about it but I feel like it's kinda interesting. Haha. This was based on our FB chat this morning.

ONS. ONS. ONS.

Yes... One night stands.

I never really do these things. It's not what I am. Not what I'm supposed to be. Nowhere near to what I really do. This happened to me though, last Sunday. It lasted 'til the wee hours of the morning of Monday. I was kinda expecting it though. I knew where it was going and I knew that it was wrong but I still went with it.

It was the first time I did ONS... with someone I don't know that is. I have no idea who he is. I met him on Saturday. Saw him again on Sunday. That's it.

People keep asking if do I have feelings for him already. I tell them, "Of course not." *buzzer sound* Deep inside, I think I do like him. I don't know. With the others, I felt nothing of that sort. But he was different. My first ONS with a stranger turned out to be more than what ONS is supposed to be like. He wanted me to talk to him and to tell him things about me, my childhood, first boyfriend and first everything. That was something. He also shared some stuff about him. It was totally different. Maybe that's where it all went wrong. With the others, they were mostly my friends though, I can't wait to rush out of the door and hail a cab with hopes that there won't be any awkward chuchu's when we wake up. This time though, I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel his arms around me. I wanted to feel his touch and his skin against mine. I had to stop though.

I slowly got up and put my clothes back on. I had to move slow so that I wouldn't make too much noise. This wasn't always the case with the others, you know. I never really cared if they would notice me rush out the door but this one was really something else. I gathered my stuff and just as I was looking for my other shoe, he got up and asked, "Do you really have to go?" and told him that I had to. He insisted on walking me to the front of the hotel but firmly said that there's no need to do that. I really wanted him to, I do. But I felt too much for him already that I had to stop myself from feeling more.

Denying to my friends that I don't like him seems easy but it's actually not. Yes, it's not.

It also seems unfair that she accepted my sister on Facebook and not me! Hahaha. I know. It's funny. But it actually kinda matters. To me, at least. I feel like a lunatic.

Untitled # 1 - 05/21/2014, 7:19AM

I wrote this one on Wednesday because I couldn't sleep.

Honestly? Liking you was unintentional. I think so. Yes, yes. I THINK so. I don't want to think about you. I don't want to think about your eyes, your lips, and your hands, oh so warm. Shit... I see you. Right there, across the room. You see me... Holy shit. Are you seriously coming over here? "Hi," you said. I just stared. I felt mortified upon seeing you. "Bye." You walked away. That was awkward. Yet, your eyes... your gorgeous, almond ey----... Oh, FUCK! I have to stop thinking about you. I watch you walking away. Your hands in your pocket. Your slowly comb your hair with your fingers. You check your breath. You secretly smell your pits. Then you walked towards her. What do you see in her anyway? She doesn't even like you like that. I mean she "likes" you. But not like you, like you. You know what I mean.

I'm so jealous of her. You never seem to wink everytime you stare at her. Such a shame she doesn't look at you when she talks. You're in a daze. It looked as if you wanted to inhale every word she uttered. She was your oxygen. I wish I was your oxygen. You respond to her bashfully. You use nothing but mere words. But as common as your choice of words are, You have the ability to make them sound so deep. You, my dear, are one charming chap. DAMN IT! Here I go again.

I will never forget that night. It felt like it was yesterday. Oh, right. It was yesterday. I was slightly drunk. You were a little tipsy yourself. You offered to take me home. I denied a million times. You grabbed me by the waist. "I wanna walk you home." I gave in. We walked side by side. Slowly... slowly... my arms brushed against yours. Your fingers then crept to hold my hand. I felt something run up from my toes to my head. Tingles? I'm not really sure. You held my hand until we reached my place. Home. We were at the doorstep. "Goodbye, J," I said. You never let go. You just held my hand tight. So tight it felt like my bones were breaking. I tugged at my hand. You were strong though. You pulled me towards you. Held my face. We kissed! I felt my heart beat faster... faster... faster... We stopped. You looked at me. You ran off. My heart broke at that moment. I wanted to die. I never even really liked you. Not until the moment you held my hand. I wish I could relive those moments... And... and... YOU'RE WALKING TOWARDS ME AGAIN! "See you around," you said while handing a crumpled piece of paper in my hand. "Yeah," was all I could say. I got a bit excited thinking that it's a love note. Opened the paper. It read: "I'm so sorry, K. Let's forget about what happened yesterday. I can't risk hurting S."

#untitled #poet wanna be #untitled writings

Untitled #2 - 05/23/2014

It's actually getting worse. The thought of you brings madness inside me. My heart yearns for your closeness. Everyday is torture for me. As near as you may be, Just a few feet away, I can't seem to find courage to be near you. The way you look at me may mean nothing to you, But the look in your eyes melts the coldest part of me. Your smiles, though they're of the friendly kind, I know they're genuinely for me. They bring the sunshine to my world and they put the rainbow to my gloomy skies. You make the blackest part of me become white.

#untitled poetry #untitled #poet wanna be