The Archive of my Fandom Fuckery @schrijverr - Tumblr Blog

Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman

Growing up a bisexual girl, who doesn’t shy away from sex has greatly impacted Keeley to become the person she is today. Being a queer woman in modeling – a high femme industry – also isn’t the easiest and leaves a barrier between you and your friends or coworkers. This is an exploration of Keeley’s life before canon begins and how her world has shaped her.

On ao3.

Ships: background relationships

Warnings: homophobia, biphobia, sexual abuse, csa, misogyny, (internalized) victim blaming, under age drinking, mentioned under age sex, non-explicit sexual content

~~~

Keeley is thirteen when she starts furiously masturbating to the models in the mags she gets at the shops and she quickly figures out that means something about her. She is also thirteen when she finds out she should have kept that to herself.

It’s lunch, so naturally crushes and hot people are being discussed. Lizzy is arguing that Ryan Gosling is the hottest person alive, which Keeley can see, but he’s a bit too boy next door for her.

“No, Ryan Gosling is boring, Billie Joe is hot. He’s got that bad boy vibe,” Claire argues. “You don’t need some actor, you need a bloke with a guitar.”

“Oh like you’d know anything about that,” Lizzy huffs. “Ryan Gosling was great in the Notebook. It made me cry, you know.”

“Anything makes you cry, you’re such a baby,” Claire rolls her eyes.

“You just can’t admit when you’re wrong. Boy next door over bad boy any day,” Lizzy sniffs, putting her nose up.

“I like athletes best, like Danica Patrick. She’s mad fit,” Keeley says, because 1) they are both wrong and 2) someone needs to say something before this turns into an actual fight and she’ll have to pick which table to sit at and both choices will send some sort of message. It’s exhausting, really.

Instead of making peace, however, she gets two sets of eyes on her with matching frowns and grimaces.

“We’re not talking about celebrities we like, but about celebrities we like-like, Keeley,” Claire says in that stupid condescending tone of hers. “As in celebrities we’d want to shag. God, you’re such a fucking child.”

“Yeah, and who even is Danica Patrick?” Lizzy adds with that same tone.

Keeley feels her face heat under their eyes and defensively says: “She’s the first woman to race the Toyota Atlantic Series since 1974 last year and she’s competing again this year. And I know what you were talking about, I’m not daft, you know. She is mad fit and Ryan Gosling and Billie Joe are both boring.”

She crosses her arms, daring them to say shit, because she isn’t a baby. She knows what sex is and she isn’t lagging behind. She’s actually already getting her period and her mum got her bras, so she’s actually further along than Claire, who doesn’t have anything yet and is just a judgmental bitch.

The expressions don’t clear up with her words, in fact, they just get worse. Disgusted, Claire says: “Are you serious? You wanna shag a girl?”

Beside her, Lizzy scoots away from her and Keeley can feel her stomach churn. It’s not as if she’s stupid and missed how everyone throws around the word gay. She knows it’s not good to do that, but she’d figured that were boys. Everyone knows girls are better. It has always been boys are rotten, made out of cotton, girls are handy, made out of candy. Where did that go?

“It wasn’t meant serious-like,” she mutters, trying to disappear and undo what she’d just said, because if there is one thing Keeley Jones is good at, it’s reading the room and the room just turned on her.

Lizzy looks between her and Claire uncomfortably, before whispering: “So you’re not some sort of lesbo, are you?”

“NO!” Keeley says quickly, even though she might be, because she is quickly realizing that is the correct answer. “I like boys!”

“Are you sure? You seemed real eager to tell us about that Diana Patrick girl… who drives cars? Which isn’t even a sport,” Claire replies sounding unconvinced and getting her name wrong.

Keeley stuffs down her defense of why drag racing is definitely a sport and her knowledge about cars and force when driving sports cars and the attention and muscles needed to race, because it’s not about that right now. “I like… David Beckham!” she quickly pulls out of her arse, even though she doesn’t follow football at all and just knows him from the mag covers. He’s an athlete at least and she does like the football shorts. It’ll have to do.

The two of them still look at her suspiciously and she knows she must be bright red, but she bravely tries to deflect with a giggle: “Geez, you should have seen your faces. Like are you children? You’re so squeamish. If I knew it’d freak you out that much, I wouldn’t have made the joke. Christ.”

Thankfully, it works on Claire, who is as stubborn as they come and hates that, which Keeley had been counting on. Mulishly, she says: “I’m not freaked out. You’re just a weirdo for thinking that was funny, you twat.”

Lizzy relaxes a little in her chair at Claire’s approval to move on and Keeley feels her own shoulders lose some of the tension as she sticks her tongue out at Claire, before hurrying the conversation along to safer water by asking if they finished the assignment for Maths next period.

She thinks she successfully navigated that, which is a relief. This kind of stress had been unfamiliar to her before that, but now that she has experienced it once, she’d like to never again.

However, the next day, that is proven incorrect. She goes over to their usual table where Lizzy and Claire already are and sits down with them. The moment she puts her tray down, though, Lizzy gets up and grimaces at her apologetically: “My mum says it’s best not to associate with you after your joke yesterday. It’s perverted and a bad influence. You really shouldn’t say those things.”

Keeley is too stunned to respond and just blinks, coming back into focus in time to shoot Claire a look that’s like ‘what the fuck was that?’ but when she does, Claire is already getting up too. Her heart shoots up in her throat and her voice is weird when she asks: “What are you doing?”

“You know Lizzy’s mum always picks me up too. And Lizzy tells her mum everything,” Claire says, not even sounding apologetic. “Besides, it was a dead weird joke.”

And with that, Keeley sits in the middle of the cafeteria with a pit in her stomach, rapidly trying to come up with a plan of attack, before the others notice what has just happened. That’d be social suicide, to sit in the middle of lunch alone, I mean. No, thanks.

She gets up and finds Joanna Wellington. The two of them made up after Keeley shat in her locker and got re-invited to the birthday party, but they haven’t sat in lunch together for a while. She pulls up all her confidence and strides over to where Joanna is sitting with Anna and Brit.

If there is one thing that can save you in any situation, it’s confidence, even if it’s fake. That’s what her mum always says anyway and she’d know, she works in sales.

Acting like this is nothing but normal, she puts down her tray and plops herself down next to them, ignoring the fact their conversation fall still and giving them an open expression and smile. “Hi!”

“What the fuck are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be sitting with Lizzy and Claire?” Joanna demands, which is probably fair. There’s a reason she’d been uninvited and it had to do with those two.

Keeley really doesn’t like throwing her friends under the bus, because she thinks her friends are awesome and she doesn’t like having to be mean. However, she knows she has to survive. Her mum taught her that much with dad being a cheating bastard. You can’t always let everyone walk all over you, or they’ll do so for the rest of your life.

“Lizzy and Claire are too prudish to take joke,” Keeley says, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “I only said I’d shag a girl over Ryan Gosling or Billie Joe is because who the fuck argues about wanting to shag either of them?” She pulls disgusted a face, grateful to the birthday party she’d been re-invited to that revealed that Joanna hates the Notebook and Brit thinks Green Day is stupid. “I actually like David Beckham, I just wanted to see their faces and they’re being all prissy about it.”

“Iew, really, they wanna shag Billie Joe?” Brit replies as expected, thank fuck, making her own disgusted face. “He is, like, so annoying.”

Anna is a gossip and loves chatting boys, so it doesn’t surprise Keeley when she leans in and with hushed excitement asks: “You like that fit footballer guy?”

In fact, Keeley had thrown her randomly chosen crush out there to further cement her story and distract from the ‘joke’ she’d made. She had considered not mentioning it, but then it might be awkward if Lizzy or Claire started rumors. Keeley knows how to shape a narrative. So, she grins at Anna and leans in closer, whispering: “I think those shorts are mad fit. They could be shorter, though,” which sends all of them in a tizzy, Keeley’s brief slip up completely covered and forgotten about.

After that experience, Keeley has learned her lesson. She is not to mention any of this to anyone. She tries to stop too, but girls are just hot and if it’s just her alone, then it can’t be that bad, can it? Besides, fantasizing about a model is way better than ending up fantasizing about a classmate. Plus, she likes fashion and these mags get a lot less uncomfortable questions from her mum. Jikes.

Still, she is a networker at heart. She likes chatting to people and getting to know them, likes entering a social group and becoming part of the center. Keeley likes attention. Positive attention, preferably. She is an attention magnet, always has been. She were a proper charming baby and never stopped.

To be that kind of way, you have to be conscious of your image, which she is. And she takes very good care in thinking about how she’s going to come across after that incident.

So, Keeley becomes a little boy crazy.

She has a thousand celebrity crushes that she always talks about, she whispers about the boys that are cute in their year and makes a name for herself as very flirty with any man that moves, even if it might not be the smartest move. It’s a whole brand. And not even an untrue one! Keeley loves boys… just as much as she loves girls, that’s all. Boys are just safer, so she throws herself into them, which doesn’t always end well.

“Oh my god, she’s such a slag,” she hears a girl say to her friend as she passes in the hallways. It’s not a new phenomenon and Keeley has learned to keep her head high. So what if she kissed three different boys at one party and flirts with all the boys. She’s fifteen and it’s nothing serious. People are so prudish.

But then she notices more and more people whisper as she passes, as well as them looking at their screens and then at her, before turning to their neighbor to talk. And Keeley is much, but she’s not stupid. She knows this is something bigger than before.

She moves more cautiously through the halls to her locker, trying to emulate someone who is not embarrassed by whatever everyone is whispering about, but also someone who isn’t trying to get attention for it. She tries to be dignified.

However, she’s very glad when she gets to her locker and Anna is there, holding up her small blackberry phone screen to show Keeley a topless picture of herself. “This is all over the school,” she says, not even greeting her.

Keeley is actually grateful for that, snatching the phone out of her hands and staring at the image as she attempts not to panic. She can’t believe everyone saw that. She can’t believe anyone has that. She can’t believe the person who spread that, did that.

Because she knows that image. Of course she does. It’s not the only topless picture she’s ever taken, but she knows exactly who this one went to. Mr. Daniels. Her English teacher.

When she said she flirts with all the boys, she means all the boys. Most of the teachers get uncomfortable, which is kind of funny and she wouldn’t want to come close to most of them anyway, but Mr. Daniels… Well, he’s a young teacher. And dead fit with brown curls and brown eyes. A bit nerdy, but Keeley hadn’t minded much. He’d been interested.

And Keeley liked that. Liked that he saw her and wanted her. Mum is always so busy with work and dad’s back in her good graces now, but he’s busy too and neither of them take her seriously and it sometimes feels like none of her friends truly see her. Mr. Daniels had seen her. He’d listened to her talk about fashion and told her she was good with words and could make a career out of it. He’d been so nice.

Nice enough that Keeley had taken to hanging around his classroom after school, then following him to the car park and finally following him home. It’d just been fun. He was smart and funny and Keeley liked him. Liked his attention.

A week ago she’d send him the picture she’s looking at now – an natural evolution of the flirtations that had underlined all their interactions – and this weekend she’d told him she wasn’t ready to sleep with him or anyone else for that matter. But that she really liked him and she would if she were.

Fuck.

Maybe she should have just done it. Fifteen is not too young to lose your virginity, right? And Mr. Daniels would be nice. But she hadn’t wanted to. She likes flirting and she’s been groped plenty, but not being a prude hadn’t made her ready. And right now she can’t help but wish she had a little less self respect, because this is bad.

“What are you going to do?” Anna asks, having been watching her face with big invested eyes – the gossip hungry hag – and having run out of patience with Keeley’s silence.

Internally, she runs through all the possibilities. She could go to the head of school, to the police even, but those ideas make her gut churn. Mr. Daniels had probably just been disappointed and men get urges sometimes. It’s what mum said about dad and what Keeley knows to be true from every show and movie she’s ever watched. She doesn’t want to get him in trouble over this.

She wants to go hunt down every copy of that picture and get them deleted. It feels violating to have everyone see her like that when it had only been meant for one person. However, she is self aware enough to know that it’ll make her look desperate and stupid, which is worse than being a slut. A slut can still be fun, a desperate stupid girl isn’t. They’re just drags and Keeley is not a drag.

So, she flips her hair over her shoulder and schools her face as she hands Anna her phone back, jutting her head up high. “I’m not gonna do anything with that picture. I look mad fit in it, don’t I? They should all be lucky they got to see my tits. At least I have them.”

Anna gawps at her for a moment then hurries after her, calling out: “Seriously?” because she loves stirring drama, she doesn’t care that Keeley’s tits are all over the school.

“Seriously,” Keeley calls back, making her ponytail swish as she walks, because at this point it’s important to embrace her narrative as too cool to be affected.

“You’re crazy,” Anna tells her. “I still have to go by my locker, but I’ll catch up.”

“Whatever,” Keeley replies. She would love to walk with Anna to her locker, because walking alone feels daunting, but it feels sad to ask, so she braves on.

When she gets to the classroom, she has to swallow and take a deep breath, before walking in. She pretends it doesn’t affect her when the murmuring falls quiet when she does. She merely keeps her chin up and makes her way to where they always sit as she ignores all the eyes that are burning in her back as she reminds herself to be grateful they have Mrs. Welling first period, who is ancient and hates everyone anyway, so she won’t know or say shit about it.

The minutes between her sitting down and Joanna, Brit and Anna coming in are the longest she’s ever experienced and her heart drops when they don’t make their way over to her like they always used to do. It feels like losing Lizzy and Claire all over again and her mind is spinning.

She doesn’t hear a singular thing Mrs. Welling says all class – which is a shame, because she’s failing Maths – and just sits there with a ringing in her ears.

All she can think is; I have to salvage this. I have to. I don’t have a back up. I can’t do this again.

Her moment of salvation comes in Mrs. Welling needing to grab some copies real quick, abandoning the class to their fate. Naturally, it explodes into noise the moment she disappears down the hall, startling Keeley out of her thoughts.

Chris – an annoying little prick in their year – turns around and calls out: “Oi, Jones, saw your tits. Are you gonna start flashing them at anyone who gives you a bit of attention now?” which causes everyone around him to snicker

Keeley feels her cheeks heat up, but pushes it down. She has to nail this first try. Delivery is key. This will make or break how this goes down. So, she puts on her most sympathetically condescending voice and goes: “Oh, that is so sad, you still think you’re gonna get close to anyone’s tits other than your mum’s and haven’t realized you got the face of someone who’s gonna die as a sad lonely old virgin, who has to jerk it to pics that weren’t even meant for you, because… let’s be honest. Who would?”

She brings this news to him with as much sincerity as she can, as if she’s truly so apologetic that she has to be the one to break it to him, because it was something they all knew and thought he did too. It is important she brings it like this. Like she is unaffected and he’s actually the pathetic person in this scenario. She can’t have anyone think otherwise.

For a moment, it’s silent.

It’s the most terrifying moment she’s felt to date.

Then Joe, one of Chris’s little lackeys, bursts out laughing as he wheezes: “Oh my god, you totally do, mate.”

It earns him a slap from Chris, but his whole face is red as he tells him to shut up. Something that goes unheeded as more people start to laugh at Chris. In one fell swoop, Keeley’s no longer the butt of the joke, Chris is.

Furthermore, he doesn’t get a chance to defend his honor more, since Mrs. Welling chooses that moment to return, meaning Keeley’s verbal victory is the one that remains hanging in the room. It feels good. Makes her feel a bit better about herself. She needs to hold on to this energy if she is going to make it through the day.

The smack down isn’t a perfect fix, Keeley knows that much, but it doesn’t feel as terrible anymore when Joanna, Brit and Anna wait for her to join them for next period. They don’t even make an excuse about not sitting with her, but Keeley doesn’t push. She’s just grateful they still accept her into their circle. That she hasn’t fucked it up again.

There are still whispers following after her, but Keeley tries to keep her head held high about it. She is unaffected, she is untouched. Maybe if she thinks it often enough, she’ll lose the sick feeling in her stomach and the clawing at her throat.

Fifth period is the most difficult. It’s English class. And Mr. Daniels is right there like there is nothing wrong, but there is. He barely even looks at her.

Keeley’s stomach churns more and a part of her wants to reach out to him and make it right. She never meant for any of this to happen and, stupidly, she still likes him. She wants to fix this. Wants to go back and undo the choices that lead her to this moment. Fuck, she should have just slept with him.

But she doesn’t. For one, Mr. Daniels isn’t even looking at her and for two, her mum’s voice echoes in her head: ‘You got to at least have him apologize to you, Keeley. It’s the only power us women have. He doesn’t have to mean it, but he should say it. I didn’t let your father back in without something from him, remember that, love.’

Her and mum have never been closer, really. They’re just too different, she supposes. She doesn’t know why, but the memory of mum telling her this comes back to her now. She just feels powerless in the face of Mr. Daniels. She just wants something, anything, she can cling to. And right now, this is it. If he apologizes, it’ll be okay, but she still has some self respect left.

Mr. Daniels never apologizes in the end and Keeley doesn’t tell a soul for a very long time. Instead they spend the rest of her time in school ignoring each other, the tension never fully fading.

Fortunately for Keeley, the scandal that started that tension, does. It’s not easy and she has to say more mean stuff than she ever wanted – “It’s not my fault you’re jealous ‘cause you have no tits, Becca, leave me the fuck alone” – but she manages. She just embraces it. It’s the only way through and it’s not as if it’s entirely new. She’s always been skimpy and now she knows it works in getting her attention, both positive and negative. At least four boys told her they’d fuck her after. She said no, but she still remembers the looks on their faces.

Still, school remains suffocating and she is eagerly looking for a way out. She does not want to go to uni and subject herself to more of this and instead sets her sight on becoming a model more seriously than ever before. A lot of girls do really well in the industry and topless models especially can earn very well. She’s already got experience!

Her friends are also getting more and more into the party scene, so she drags them from club to club to find the perfect place to meet the people she wants to meet. She disguises it in wanting to try new stuff and being adventurous (adventurous is fun in a girl, ambitious is not), but it is serious business to her, because she’s not going to be stuck here in this drab life with these drab people forever.

“Another party, Keeley?” her mum sighs, looking up from where she’s going through their bills. Dad’s sleeping on a friend’s couch again, so it’s a little tighter. Keeley isn’t worried though. This never lasts long. Dad will say sorry soon enough and he’ll come back, it’s how it works. He can’t help that he has those urges sometimes and they have to wait until he’s ready to say sorry and then it’s fine again.

“Yes, another party,” Keeley rolls her eyes as she puts in her earrings and checks her make up in the hallway mirror. Mum doesn’t get it. She has tried to explain that she isn’t just partying, but working on her future, but…

“This whole modeling dream of yours is getting out of hand,” mum says, pinning her with a look. “You don’t just become a model, Keeley. It’s not how it works. You need to find a real job.”

“Sure, like sales,” Keeley snarks, checking her purse if she has everything. She doesn’t want to have this fight again. She’s sick of it.

“Keeley Jones,” her mum starts in a warning tone, but Keeley is already out the door. Mum can remove the stick in her arse, honestly. Keeley will make it and then she’ll see.

The club she picked this time is a more upscale type. Drinks will probably be killer expensive, but if you know what you’re doing, you don’t have to pay for drinks anyway. Brit was apprehensive, but Keeley enticed her with the possibility of meeting a celebrity there, so they’re going.

All three of them are shivering slightly as they stand in line, but having a jacket on is much more of a hassle than it’s worth. At seventeen, they are technically too young to enter, but they’ve been doing this since they were sixteen. You get in if you’re pretty enough and Keeley Jones is always pretty enough.

And sure enough, they are waved through with no issue, allowing them to get lost in the throng of people inside.

They have a system where they stick together for the first part of the night, sussing out the vibe of the club, before they drift apart more. It’s just smart and never let it be said that they aren’t smart.

This particular club passes the check and soon enough Keeley has found herself separated from her friends. It often happens. She just gets lost in the crowd, she figures. They just don’t notice she was chatting with someone and is no longer with them. She’s always made it home okay. It’s fine.

Tonight, it’s doubly fine, because tonight, she meets May.

It happens in the bathroom – a magical place for any club – when Keeley needs to piss real bad and enters to find the most beautiful girl on the planet working on her eyes. Without thinking she goes: “Oh my fucking god, you’re fucking gorgeous, I think I’m gonna pass out.”

The girl looks up in amused surprise, the small delighted smile on her face only highlighting her beauty more as dark hair falls around her face in cascading waterfall.

“I’m so sorry, that just totally slipped out,” Keeley says quickly, because that fear of being thirteen washes over her again and she doesn’t want to be stuck sitting alone in the cafeteria again. There’s a lot you can get away with saying to girls in the bathroom – and Keeley is grateful for that – but she’s always afraid she’ll find the line again.

“Don’t be sorry, I love that. Thank you,” the girl says, standing up straight from where she’d been touching up her grungy eyeliner with a smile, confidence oozing off her.

“Oh, uhm, that’s good,” Keeley smiles back, able to feel that is somewhat grimace like, because she feels pinned under this girl’s eyes.

“I’m May,” the girl – May – says, holding out her hand for Keeley to shake. That is definitely new in her bathroom interactions, but Keeley would do anything to get to touch this girl, so she is definitely not complaining.

“Keeley, Keeley Jones,” she replies, shaking May’s hand firmly and with a smile that is more genuine and sparkling.

“Keeley Jones,” May repeats as if tasting the name, nodding her head to herself with a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. “It’s a good name. I like it. Sounds like someone who knows her business.”

The complement makes her perk up. She does know her business. She knows her business so much and she is so glad someone notices. Still, she’s desperate to play it cool, so she just cocks her hip and responds: “I do.”

That makes May’s smirk widen and Keeley feels her knees go a little weak, especially when May takes a step closer to her and quirks her brow as she asks: “Oh? So what business do you know? What does Keeley Jones want?”

She swallows. Hard. This feels dangerous in the most exciting way, but she cannot allow herself to lean into it. She’s too scared. So she squeaks: “I want to be a model.” The moment she says it, she blushes, hearing her mum’s voice calling her dream juvenile. “I know how that sounds, but I’m really good at it. I know fashion and all my angles. I just haven’t broken into the market yet.”

“Hey, don’t preemptively defend yourself. Have some confidence,” May interrupts. “You’re gonna be a model. You’re certainly pretty enough for it.”

“Oh, uhm, thank you,” Keeley blushes.

“Here, come sit with me and my friends, I’m sure they’d love to meet you. We’re in art school, I might be able to hook you up with your first gig,” May says, holding out a hand for Keeley to take so they won’t lose each other in the club.

May looks like she might be in art school. Her clothes are baggy and masculine in cut with some splatters on them, but Keeley can recognize them as designer. Definitely artsy, not really model-like, but Keeley doesn’t care. It might be really stupid to go with this girl, but they’re still in a public space and she’s always made it home. Besides, she really, really wants to get to know May better. The illicit feelings in her stomach almost make her feel like she can do anything. “Sure,” she smiles, taking May’s hand.

She quickly learns that May is friends with a lot of people and it’s a mixed group. Keeley mostly knows girls to hang out with girls and boys with boys. But that’s secondary shit, these are proper adults, the kind that are already in uni.

It’s a little overwhelming to meet everyone, but Keeley has always been good at faking nonchalance and the hand May keeps on the nape of her neck keeps her too preoccupied with nerves around that, to truly feel these. So introductions go smoothly and she spends most of the night observing how they interact with each other so she can slot herself into this social dynamic.

“So, Miss Model,” Adam starts, turning to her. He’s one of May’s friends, who is working on a photography project. “What’s your work? Do you have something to show? Like a portfolio.”

“Nothing professional,” Keeley begins to answer, before a squeeze from May reminds her to own it and be confident and she squares her shoulders and says: “But I’ve gotten a portfolio on my facebook. It’s dead good, actually.”

Adam raises his eyebrows at her response and May laughs, which makes Keeley’s heart flip. Then Adam grins and says: “Give me your username, I’ll check it out.”

“Course,” she says, like she is not very giddy internally as she gives her name to him so he can look her up when he’s at a computer.

“What’s your vibe in your art?” Melanie asks, leaning on Tyler’s shoulder, drink nearly sloshing as she falls over.

Keeley has never had anyone be interested in what she is trying to do with her modeling. Most find it dumb or dismiss it as ditsy, but it’s such a fascinating way to do art and convey who you are to the world around you. Keeley loves feminine clothes the most, loves dressing in a way that is almost over the top until it circles back into almost being an ideal. It’s fun. Like she’s dressing up as a fantasy of what being unattainability is.

However, she knows she’s always too much and she doesn’t want to come across as weird with these cooler older people, so she just says: “I portray the different angles of being a woman,” which she thinks sounds interesting.

“Got all the right angles then, huh,” Tyler leers slightly and Keeley can feel herself flush. “Ahw, are you getting shy now? Don’t tell me you’re a virgin.” He laughs, Melanie does too.

“I’m not a virgin,” Keeley spits, because she’s not. She lost it to Chris of all people, at a party last year somewhere. He might be a prick, but he always bends at some point. A part of her really likes that about him, even if nothing serious came from it.

“No need to be so defensive, I was just joking,” Tyler tells her with that same stupid grin on his face.

“Hey, knock it off, Ty,” May steps in for her. Then she turns to Keeley and says: “Don’t worry about him, he’s thick.”

“Fuck off,” Tyler pouts, but he does knock it off.

Adam says: “That sounds really interesting. My project is about the vulnerability of womanhood. I’m a sensitive guy, you know. I think women are really strong for going through this life and I really wanted to highlight it.”

“Wow, that sounds amazing,” Keeley breathes, because it does. She’s not used to guys who realize how scary it can be to be a woman and it’s amazing to see that more mature men can.

“If your stuff checks out, we might be able work on it together,” Adam says with a soft smile that has Keeley beaming back, before looking at May to see if she heard that too, to see what she thinks.

May gently jostles her by the back of her neck and smiles widely. “Told you,” she smirks, which has Keeley gush in her underwear. Confidence is so fucking sexy.

Keeley ends up staying all the way until the club closes at 5:00 AM, even though she usually tries to leave at 2:00 AM. She has definitely missed curfew and her friends are definitely long gone. She curses when she sees the time and mentally starts to calculate how much her mum’s gonna kill her if she has to take a cab all by herself without friends to split it with.

They’re already outside the club now, all shivering in the cold of the early morning air. One of the guys May had been with has disappeared, but Keeley is barely focused on that, too busy worrying about all the cabs that are leaving and whether to get in any of them.

“You okay, Keeley?” May asks.

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’m great,” Keeley smiles fakely, glancing around the street and giving May a tight smile. “Just need to get home.”

Instantly May is concerned: “You don’t have a ride?”

“Uh, no, kinda ditched my friends,” Keeley winces, because it’s better than admitting her friends left without her.

“Well, you can catch a ride with us no problem. Louis is our DD, he’s coming with the car now,” May offers, nodding to a beat up to a van that is coming puffing around the corner.

Keeley hesitates, because she knows that getting in a van with strangers is a bad idea, but at the same time… “Sure, yeah, that’d be real nice. Thank you.”

“Of course, no problem,” May smiles, before calling out: “We’re adding another stop! We gotta drop Keeley here off.”

No one even bats an eye at that and just accepts it as true. Keeley thinks it might be the alcohol in all their systems, but she’s not asking too many questions about this easy solution to her problem now that she’s decided to take it. These people have been nothing but nice to her. She feels like she can trust May at least. And Adam, probably.

There are way more people than seats, even in the van, so Keeley ends up on May’s lap. The girl winks at her when she assures a beet red Keeley: “Any girl that calls me gorgeous is welcome on my lap.”

Soon they’re rolling up in her street and everyone calls out jovial greetings as she climbs out of May’s lap and onto the street. She turns back to say bye, heart beating in her throat as her and May smile at each other. Then she blurts out: “Can I have your arm?”

“What?” May chuckles.

“Your arm,” Keeley repeats. “So I can write down my number. If you want.” She’s sweating bullets and already feeling that invisible line of what is acceptable creep up.

Before she can take it back and wave it away as no big deal, May’s smile returns and she holds out her arm. “Sure.”

“Cool,” Keeley lets out a relieved breath, quickly scribbling down her number before she can change her mind, then hurries to her door, waving at the van as it rolls down the street.

It’s so late by the time she gets inside that her mum has already given up her disappointed watch for her so she can sneak into her room without a lecture, feeling all giddy. It feels like she’s truly at a turning point right now. Soon she’ll leave school behind and maybe finally make it. She even gave May her number. She might not ever call, but doing it at all makes her feel invincible.

Mum’s still livid in the morning, but when isn’t she? Keeley doesn’t really enjoy the lecture through her pounding headache, but it’s not the first one and it won’t be the last. And mum never really goes through with her punishments, so consequences are void anyway. Just a lot of yelling.

And she definitely doesn’t give a shit when she gets a call from an unknown number. “Hey, Keeley, this is Adam. Hope you don’t mind May gave me your number.”

“Adam! Hi,” she quickly greets, probably more high pitched than she prefers. “No, I don’t mind. What’s up?”

“I checked out your facebook. Send a friend request, but that was like a minute ago, so you probably haven’t seen it yet,” Adam says. “It’s great stuff. I think you’re a perfect fit for what I’m trying to do with my project.”

“You do?” Keeley gasps, unable to help her excitement. This is it. This is genuinely it.

“Yeah,” Adam says, smile in his voice. “You have that perfect balance between youthful innocence and hard to get. It’s nice. I’m planning on shooting next week, are you available?”

Keeley technically has school, but it won’t be the first time she skipped class, so she says: “Of course, when and where do you want to meet?”

She ends up skipping school on a Wednesday to meet Adam at this studio he’s renting. Inside are sets of everyday places and a bunch of guys in plain clothes, as well as… “Adam! Hi.”

“Hey, Keeley,” Adam greets her as if they’ve been friends for years, wrapping her up in a big hug and letting his hand linger between her shoulder blade as he leads her along. “These are the other people who have been so kind to help me with my project, so you’re gonna be working with them. You already know Ty here and Louis. That’s Alex and Mark and over there’s Tommy.”

They wave at her and she waves back. She half expected there to be handshakes, but no one except Adam really acknowledges her after they’ve been pointed out.

The concept Adam has come up with are every day scenes, centering Keeley surrounded by the other ‘models’. They’re all dressed normally, except for her, who is in nothing but a set of lacy undergarments that Adam provided her with. To show how stripped down women are, he explains to her when she hesitates after being presented with her clothes for the shoot.

When he does, she instantly feels stupid for hesitating. He’s an artist with vision. He’s trying to convey something with his pieces. She shouldn’t question him and it’s not like she’s ever been a prude. Besides that, it’s not as if she isn’t aware that modeling will include showing off her body. It’s something she wants to do. She’s mad fit, the world is allowed to look.

So Keeley ends up doing her first ever gig at seventeen, dressed in nothing but lingerie as she tries to get used to the discomfort of someone directing her; physically sometimes. It’s how this industry works and she wants to make it. Sacrifices must be made. It’s better than disappearing into a dull shape of a woman like her mom has.

After the shoot, she comes out of the dressing room – which is a little too exposed to be called that – to find everyone except Adam gone.

“The lads went out to drink, but I figured I’d be a gentleman and wait,” Adam smiles at her when he sees her look around confused. “Want to see the raw photos? I still have to pick which ones to edit, but if you like some of them you can post them on your facebook after I turn in my project. For exposure.”

“I could? That’d be great!” Keeley exclaims, excited by the notion of getting to be involved in the creative process of her first ever gig, even if it is just as an observer.

“Of course,” Adam says with an amused huff. “This is a favor based industry, Keeley. You help me and I help you.”

That makes sense, Keeley thinks. It was a favor of her to help here and it’s a favor of him back to let her post the pictures on her facebook. To have properly quality work on there by an actual photographer instead of just her own stuff. To make her more legitimate.

However, her modeling is not the favor Adam had in mind when he said that. They look through the pictures together first, but then slowly he gets closer and closer until a hand lands on her thigh. She knows that move. She knows what he wants from her.

Keeley thinks Adam is plenty cute, but she doesn’t want to fuck him. Out of the friend group, he’s not the one she has eyes for… even if she will likely never tell May. But she also remembers the last time she didn’t sleep with someone when they wanted her to – she doesn’t fancy her nudes spread around again, even if all Adam has are lingerie pictures that are already going to be out there – and he has just done her a favor… and this is a favor based industry.

She sleeps with him.

It leaves her feeling a bit grimy, but Adam is a gentleman about it, she actually came. And it’s not the worst shag of her life. It’s… fine. Just fine. She mostly hopes he doesn’t think she means she’s interested when he drops her off back home, smiling at her to not be a stranger and that he’ll be in touch about posting.

If she’s honest, she doesn’t know if she made the right call, but it feels like she did when a day later May calls her for the first time since giving her her number. “Hey, Keeley, Adam said you were amazing on the shoot.” And Keeley almost feels like Adam wouldn’t have told her that if she hadn’t slept with him and that maybe May never would have called her at all if Adam hadn’t said she had done well.

“Yeah, it were amazing,” she says, because despite the few discomforts, she’d been on a high during the shooting part of it all. She truly loves this job. She wants this. She knows she does.

“Hey, I’m glad you think that,” May smiles over the phone, Keeley wills it. “We’re hitting the clubs again tonight and you should come. I’m bringing my camera rig, seeing if I can capture the club vibe. I had a vision after we met and I think I’m switching it up.”

“Yes, of course!” Keeley says a bit too quickly to be nonchalant and cool, but who gives a fuck. May is inviting her out. Her. Because she inspired a vision in May. For her project. Oh my god.

“Cool, we’ll come pick you up ‘round midnight,” May tells her, before hanging up.

Keeley has never gone out clubbing alone, but she doesn’t care. This is the moment where everything changes and she’s seizing it. It’s not like mum is going to check if her friends are going out too, or even care, beyond the usual exasperation that Keeley is throwing her life away, even though all she’s trying to do is live it.

She spends close to three hours pulling on outfit after outfit to try and find one that will wow May. It has to be perfect. The girl makes her nervous in the best way and she wants to impress her, wants her to like her. She already put her foot in her mouth once and she’s just grateful May thought it was flattering and charming. She can’t fuck up like that again.

May is just so… so open and flirty, almost. She’s not shy and Keeley loves it. Confidence is so sexy and she wishes she had that about complimenting other girls, that the fear of getting left to sit alone at the lunch table isn’t always hiding behind every corner.

Beyond that, she’s also really drawn to the masculine style May has. Keeley herself prefers the versatility and textures that women’s fashion allows her when it comes to dressing herself, but she can admit she’s always been drawn to masculinity when it comes to sexual or romantic partners. Rubbing one out to the models is fine, but Keeley comes the hardest when it’s the sports editions. She just likes muscles. Likes the idea of someone powerful under her. She can’t explain it, but it draws her in. May draws her in.

So the outfit has to be perfect. It is perfect. As perfect as she can get it with her wardrobe that is limited by pocket money. And it’s worth it when she gets picked up and she is so certain May gives her an appreciative one over.

Adam isn’t there – in editing hell according to May – and Keeley can’t help but be a little grateful for that. It’s not that she doesn’t like Adam, he’s nice. But it would be awkward and she doesn’t want him to think it will be a regular thing, so getting to hang out with just May and some of her other friends is far superior.

It’s plain fucking fun.

May has gathered a group of girls to hit the clubs with and is cheering them on as they all grind and dance on each other in the club, while she hovers around them with her camera. Alcohol is flowing freely and Keeley feels like she is high on life.

The club lights flash and their hair is wild, teeth sparkling as faces are being made to the camera. She isn’t even self conscious of the way she is grabbing Melanie’s waist, because Elise is grabbing hers and she’s gotten a big kiss on her cheek from Fiona when May put the camera in both their faces.

“Come here,” May yells over the music, grabbing Keeley’s hand and pulling her over to the bar and shoving a cocktail in her hand. “Eye fuck the camera as you drink,” she loudly says in her ear, body pressed close to Keeley’s. “Your eye make up fucking pops here.”

Keeley feels flushed, the warmth of May’s body still lingering on her skin. She hopes the darkness of the club hides some of it, as will her glass as she wraps her lips around the straw, trying not to think too much about who is looking through the camera as she gives it her best bedroom eyes.

“Perfect,” May squeals and Keeley can feel the compliment pulsate through her entire body.

All of them end on the curb outside of a kebab place with greasy food in their hands. The alcohol in their blood prevents them all from even feeling the cold – except for May, who stayed sober to shoot and is laughing at all their gusto as they eat.

“It’s like you’re all lionesses devouring your pray,” she laughs brightly, squatting in front of Keeley with her camera at the ready. “I think I’m gonna do a series of how someone devolves during a night out. You’re all smudged.”

“Ah, fuck,” Keeley curses, trying to balance her kebab in one hand so it doesn’t fall to the floor so she can wipe at her face with the other. Her lipstick must be a mess.

Before her hand can reach her face, however, it is stopped by May’s gentle grip. Keeley looks up at her with big questioning eyes, feeling her heart flutter at May’s lopsided grin. “Don’t,” May says. “You still look amazing. I love the contrast of the mess and your beauty.”

“Oh…” Keeley breathes, before swallowing thickly. Her stomach is tying itself up in all sorts of knots as she blushes: “So, I, uh- I should go back to eating?”

“Yeah,” May nods with an amused huff.

Somewhat self consciously, Keeley does. May’s camera clicks a few more times before she starts calling out encouragements that make Keeley laugh and loosen up. “Destroy that kebab!” “You’re looking fucking fit.” “Give me a growl.” “Tear it! Tear it!”

The other girls are also laughing and cheering her on. Keeley feels seen for the first time. Accepted. For once she is at the center, instead of orbiting it.

She is absolutely wrecked in school the next morning. She’s lucky she had some make up wipes in her purse and that May just snort laughed and let her borrow some spare jeans she had in the back of her car, because they had to drop her off at school instead of home if she wanted to be on time.

“What happened to you?” Anna asks with reverent disgust and awe when Keeley slumps down over the lunch table.

“Went out,” Keeley groans, hiding away from the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. Her low buzz has faded for a hang over that is killing her.

“On a school night,” Joanna exclaims. “Didn’t your mum kill you for that?”

“Maybe? Dunno,” Keeley shrugs. “Not like she knew or saw me this morning. Had to come to school straight from the club.”

There are some impressed noises around the table, before Brit asks: “Who did you even go out with? I don’t think anyone would say yes to that.”

“I befriended some people at the club last time, they invited me out with them,” Keeley explains, deciding not to remind them of the fact that she only even talked to them because they had all ditched her there. “Met May in the bathroom. They’re art students at Colchester Institute.”

“You befriended art students?” Joanna repeats disbelievingly.

Ugh, Keeley does not want to deal with this. “Nevermind,” she mutters. “It’s too bright here.”

“Whatever,” Brit snorts, having decided to not believe her alongside Joanna, but also having kindly decided to not push.

Keeley honestly doesn’t care. She’s already made peace with the fact that she’ll likely never see these girls again after they graduate. She loves her friends. I mean, they’ve been friends for years and Keeley knows she wouldn’t have made it through school without them. She’s grateful for them, but… they don’t have the drive to chase life like she has. They’re gonna go into boring careers and stay on the paths that have been laid out for them. Not her, though. She’s going to break out and she will grow apart from them in doing so. It’s just a few more months until they’re done here, she can drift apart from them sooner. She has better, cooler friends now that will help her climb the ladder she wants to climb.

She does try to graduate with semi-passing grades, because she is not doing all this again for another year, but she can admit it’s bare minimum. She’s out partying with May and her friends more often than not and is barely home as she moves to the end of her time being locked in school.

Partying with what are now also her friends is amazing. They’re all creative visionaries and Keeley feels more at home around them. By the time the semester ends, she lets Fiona take reference pictures of her for her final painting project, lets Louis use her as an extra in his video project and is the model for the clothes Mark made. Keeley Jones is becoming a name in certain circles.

Besides, helping the others out with their projects, she’s continuing to curate her facebook, mixing in party pictures with more tasteful ones of her that have been taken around town. She has a bunch of friends who are prone to bringing their cameras everywhere and have a great eye for angles, which she is fully using to her advantage to try and get bookings for actual modeling gigs.

Most of the time, she hangs out with May. She’d hoped that her crush of the other girl would fade into only feeling friendship for her with time, but it hasn’t. And May makes it difficult to let go with how often she touches Keeley and compliments her. It’s making Keeley think that maybe May likes her too.

However, Keeley can never bring herself to make a move, to do something other than lean in when May does and pull back when she does too. It’s too risky. Keeley’s whole life revolves around the friendships she made through May, the opportunities those friendships give her. She can’t risk saying too much and finding herself alone again.

Still, she does carry a torch of hope with her every time they hang around May’s dorm, like today. May is going through a bunch of magazines for a collage project and Keeley is just flipping through them unhelpfully while lounging on May’s bed.

“Ugh, my eyes are blurring,” May complains, leaning back again the bed as she stretches her arms above her shoulders, showing off her sports bra that are revealed by the big cut outs on the side of her shirt.

“Here,” Keeley says, holding out a water bottle out to her.

“Cheers, you’re an angel,” May smiles, taking the bottle to take a few big gulps. “Fuck, I’ll be happy when exams are done next week.”

“I can imagine, I’m mad glad exams are behind me,” Keeley sympathizes.

“Jealousss,” May says, slouching backwards. Then she perks up: “I’m going to a football match after my last exam. Do you like football?”

“I love football!” Keeley exclaims immediately, because she has only just graduated to hanging out with May outside of clubs or her working on stuff and this is her step further into May’s inner circle. “I mean, I love football players,” she quickly says, reinforcing the semi-lie she’s been upholding since she were thirteen.

Thankfully, May doesn’t notice her slip up of lying about liking something non-girly, which isn’t even true either! Keeley hates football. It’s boring. She much prefers watching drag races, but she does like athletes sexually and the lie is just ingrained at this point. But it doesn’t bother May, since she just smiles: “Me too!” which further cements Keeley’s commitment to the lie. “Wanna come?”

“Yeah! I’d love to!” Keeley says quickly, because there is truly nothing else she would rather do. It feels like she’s just been invited into something big.

On the day of the match, she has gone hard on finding the perfect outfit, nervously waiting to be picked up by May, who said she’d drive. Recently eighteen, Keeley could drive herself, but she doesn’t have a car yet and feels secretly thrilled at being wooed.

Besides, she’s also just glad to be out the house today. Mum caught dad cheating again, so they’re fighting once more, but it’s going to move into make up sex soon and Keeley would rather not be there for that again.

May pulls up, before either parent can talk to her, thank fuck, so Keeley hurries out the house. “Hey, Keeley,” May smiles when she throws open the door. “Good day?” she smirks at Keeley’s clearly frazzled state.

“Don’t even start,” Keeley groans. “Are we picking up anyone else?”

“Nah, thought it could just be us two,” May says with a kind smile that sends a bolt through Keeley immediately. Holy shit. It’s just them. This is so a date.

“Oh, yeah, no, of- of course!” she squeaks. “I, uh- That’s fun.” The smile she gives is totally awkward and not one of her good ones that she practiced over and over in the mirror, but May is looking at the road, so doesn’t see. Luckily.

The whole drive Keeley sits up straighter, fiddling with her everything as she tries to suppress the broadest smile. When they get there and May has found a parking spot, they get out and Keeley decides to be brave; she grabs May’s hand while sober for the first time.

She holds her breath waiting for the reaction, heart hammering in her throat as May looks down at their joined hands, then looks back at Keeley’s eyes, quirking a brow as she gives an amused smirk, before she wraps her hand around Keeley’s and tugs her closer. “Come on. Let’s not get lost in the crowds.”

They have amazing seats and Keeley feels very flattered that May made sure they got good seats for their date. That she made an effort to provide the best experience about something Keeley liked. It makes her feel special.

Keeley follows May’s lead and tries to not make it too obvious that it takes until the first goal is scored that she realizes they’re cheering for the yellow team, which Keeley will later learn is not the home team, but Arsenal. She had only vaguely heard about either team before.

If May notices, she thankfully doesn’t say and the two have actually quite the blast, despite Keeley not understanding much at all. Screaming at the referee is quite fun and she can’t deny she appreciates the eye candy of sweaty men in shorts. It’s hot. Not as hot as May, though, who is flushed with excitement and grabbing Keeley to shake her with enthusiasm every time their team scores.

By the time the match is over – with their team winning – Keeley feels alive like never before.

Everyone is screaming and cheering in their small section of the stadium and May pulls her into a jubilant hug, jumping up and down while they hold each other. “We won!” she screams, very unlike her usual nonchalant self. Keeley likes that May is letting her in on this side of herself.

“Come on,” May says, taking her hand and dragging her through the crowd of cheering people, nearly making her stumble with the action, but her hand also keeping Keeley upright.

“Where are we going?” Keeley laughs, clutching onto the hat she put on so she doesn’t lose it in the shuffle.

“It’s a surprise,” May calls back, throwing open a door that Keeley is pretty sure they’re not allowed to go through.

She lets herself get pulled through different hallways and doors, unsure where they’re going and certain she won’t find her way out alone, but too giddy to care. What does May have planned? Is this what grown up, actual dates are like, instead of milkshakes at the mall? Or is this what it’s like to date a girl?

Then, she gets pulled a final door and lets out a shocked: “Oh my god!” as she is suddenly confronted with the half naked – or fully naked – bodies of the yellow team they’d just been cheering on.

Promptly, May lets go of her hand while Keeley tries to cover her eyes, feeling horrible at the intrusion that must have happened due to May taking a wrong turn somewhere and trying to back out of there without using her eyes. However, then she hears May squeal – a noise that is very unlike her – “Babe!”

That instantly makes her peak from between her fingers. May doesn’t call anyone pet names. It’s just not something she does. And Keeley knows it’s not directed at her.

Keeley is just in time to see May toss her arms around one of the players – the one in defense that they cheered for even though Keeley didn’t think he’d been doing a lot – and pulls him in for a big, passionate kiss. A kiss that makes Keeley’s heart sink into her stomach.

Today hadn’t been a date at all.

Every little thing Keeley had used to tell herself that May liked her back and made a move, planned a day for her, asked her and her alone. It all crumbles and she feels so fucking stupid for ever thinking someone like May would want to date her. She feels disgusting for ever assuming. For grabbing May’s hand. For allowing herself to be close and clingy. This wasn’t a club where they were all drunk. She should have never done that.

She knows her face is contorting into something upset and she forcefully blinks the tears out of her eye the best she can and takes a shuddering breath, hiding behind her hands in faux-modesty until she’s gotten her face somewhat under control. She can never let May know she thought this was a date.

“Oh my god, Keeley, don’t be a prude. They’re all decent now,” May laughs, voice close to Keeley again as a hand pulls hers from her face.

“It’s just awkward,” Keeley replies, face red as she forces a giggle to try and play it as wide-eyed innocence instead of embarrassed heartbreak.

“Ahw, you’re cute,” May teases, something that before a minute ago, Keeley would have interpreted as a lot more genuine than it feels now. “Here, we’ll go into the hallway, save your virtue,” she grins, pulling Keeley out.

Once in the hall, Keeley can’t help herself. She says: “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

“Not many do,” May shrugs, like it’s casual information. Maybe for her, it is. “I don’t like advertising it, since he’s a big name and I’m trying to make it on my own. We met at the Arsenal charity gala. My dad owns a bunch of shares in the club and I go for him. Now I go for John.” She smiles a bit sappily at the end and Keeley burns with jealousy.

“Why don’t you tell people?” Keeley asks, needing to rub salt into the wound, needing to understand.

“You’ve met my friends, right?” May responds with a snort. “I mean, I like them, they’re fun, but they’re all… pretentious. In a different way my dad is. They don’t get it. You… You do. I mean, footballers and their shorts, right?” She bumps into Keeley’s shoulder playfully, like they’re sharing a joke

“I do. You’re definitely right about those shorts,” she jokes, trying to pretend that her heart isn’t twisting inside her chest as she carefully keeps her distance. In a way, it is the sisterhood Keeley has craved for a long time – though she never admitted it to herself – but it feels like hollow consolation now.

“See,” May grins, bright in that way Keeley loves and now just aches. “I told John about your love of football players, he said he’d introduce you to some of the lads.” She wiggles her eyebrows, looking at Keeley with so much excitement at getting to introduce her, having someone that gets it. Keeley loves being the person that gets May, even if it hurts. Her own lie about football players coming back to bite her all over again.

She plasters on a big smile, modulating her voice so that it sounds hopeful and excited at the prospect instead of her still trying to get over the rejection that had never really happened in the first place. “You would do that for me? You’re the best!”

“Of course,” May tells her. “We help each other out, right? Plus, it’ll be fun to slum it together every once in a while, be a WAG for the fun of it.”

“That sounds hilarious,” Keeley says, because she really can’t think of anything else to say.

“Come on, I’m sure they’re decent now,” May ribs her, leading her back to the locker room. “Let’s make some proper introductions.”

In that locker room, Keeley meets Kyle. Kyle is a mid-fielder and he’s… fine. He’s fine. He’s twenty-three and came up in the Arsenal academy. He’s famous with a bunch of money and likes having a pretty girl on his arm and nothing too serious. He doesn’t care that much that Keeley is nursing a bit of a broken heart as long as she dresses up nice when he needs a date and is in the bleachers looking sexy in a kit with his number on the back.

With the situation Keeley finds herself in, Kyle is more than enough for her.

Kyle is also the start of a pattern and a career. A week into dating him, she get accosted by a pap while shopping at Tesco, wanting to know who the girl it that stole Arsenal striker Kyle Hatch’s heart was, wanting to know the details of their relationship. Keeley’s a little overwhelmed, but manages to wink into the camera and blow a kiss as she says: “I don’t kiss and tell, I just kiss, blow if you’re good.” It’s her first viral moment.

The mystery of Keeley Jones gets people interested. She’s a blank slate with just a few low profile art projects and a carefully curated facebook to her name. There is no existing reputation to build on for their stories. This is the moment for her to make her brand.

She knows she’s been provocative in her posts and some of the projects. Some rags are already calling her a slag and a party girl and she has always known that’s what the others at school thought of her too. It is what she has made herself out to be from when she was fifteen years old. But she knows how to twist it just enough to become sexy and fun, instead of being damned for it.

Keeley Jones is the newest sensation on the scene and she makes every use of it that she can, before her minute of fame slips away and she’ll have to carry on with whatever she managed to built for herself right now. Her and Kyle both know this isn’t forever.

With her minute of fame she gets an ad campaign for some sports brand Kyle was already signed with, lifting along with his success. She also does some shoots for a couple of magazines, selling make up, clothes, vacations. Anything. She signs on with a modeling agency and becomes a pro in curating who she wants to be whenever she leaves the house, knowing there are going to be eyes watching her, and becomes the girl clubs want to see at their door. She never speaks to her high school friends again.

At the start, she keeps up contact with May’s friend group, but she can tell that most of them look down on her slightly for being a ‘sell out’ who is chasing fame. They don’t invite her for their projects again and Keeley gets what May meant when she said they’re pretentious about it. She gets why May is quiet about being a WAG after living as a WAG publicly. It’s a lot.

Her and May try to keep in contact even with this new whirlwind of a life and they manage to keep texting and they of course see each other at games and social functions around the club, but Keeley knows that it will be over when she breaks up with Kyle. She hates that. She really misses the friendship she used to have with May before all this. Still wants to be close to her, be noticed by her. Wants to be special in her eyes.

But she knows that May never saw her like that and that eats at her too. Not to mention that she feels a wave of humiliation crawl down her spine whenever she sees May and remembers that non-date. How close she got to ruining it all. How she still has to be careful.

She tries to focus on the positives of her new life. How much she loves it. She loves the bright lights at the parties, the dozens of people she surrounds herself with for the night just to forget about them again the next day, the expensive dresses Kyle gets her whenever she has to appear somewhere with him, the cheering crowds in the stands that wolf whistle when she gets up to the barrier to kiss him after a match, the fluff pieces about what brand perfume she uses. This is exactly what she wanted when daydreaming in Maths. Glamour.

She tries not to focus on how it’s lonely sometimes with people always around her but never close and how her and Kyle mostly fuck and don’t really talk, how she can never do anything without it being placed under a microscope. How some directors are creepy and how the entire world has seen her tits ten times over at this point. The hard parts are a part of it and she knew that going into this. She hadn’t been so stupid to think it would just be a glitzy highlight all of the time.

However, she hasn’t heard mum and dad argue in months and owns an actual designer dress. She never has to sit alone at a table unless she wants to and no one can tell her that she was delusional.

By age twenty-one, she is still living the party modeling life, being shirtless on billboards all around the country, though she is no longer dating Kyle.

She’s figured out a system wherein she dates each footballer long enough to not be seen as a dick-hopping slag, but not too long she becomes irrelevant. She’s famous for being almost famous and she knows it, which means she has to keep herself in the news cycle the best she can.

A break up is always a big story with people trying to figure out who wronged who and what the scandal is and dating someone new always means there are juicy secrets to their relationship to reveal. Keeley plays the press well and balances along the tightrope the best she can. Makes a name for herself as someone who dumps players as to not be seen as a sad girl, but a boss babe. Ensures she’s friendly enough with some of her better exes to keep herself from being branded as the perpetual crazy ex. Throws in a couple of one night stands to keep it interesting, keep them guessing. Keep them watching.

Furthermore, she has also learned the valuable lesson of not moving in with your boyfriend without having a solid back up option. Living out of hotels is pathetic and expensive in a way Keeley can’t afford, so she makes sure she has a home base to return to, even if sometimes it functions more as a storage unit than a home.

Right now, she lives with the girls.

The girls are Emma, Chloe and Shandy, three other models that work under the same agency that she does and with whom she does many shoots. They’re also WAGs like her. Professional WAGs. It’s a whole lifestyle that Keeley never expected her thirteen year old lie to turn into, but here she is. And, you know what? She still likes athletes and the shorts have really grown on her, even if she still doesn’t really know the rules of the game and just knows when to yell: “Referee!”

Keeley loves the girls. Loves that they understand, that they’re in the same boat, that they use this house the same way she does and that they support each other, keep each other safe… best they can, at least.

“Ugh, I need a new boyfriend. I can’t with this singles life,” Shandy says as she’s leans over the bathroom counter to look in the mirror as she puts on mascara. “A hot, celebrity one, preferably.”

“I mean, Chelsea’s playing tonight, so you know Roy Kent’s hosting a party if they win. We can go there, pick out a man for you,” Emma replies, leaning over the same counter next to Shandy as she works on perfecting her smoky eye.

“Should we though?” Keeley asks. She wants Shandy to find a boyfriend too, because she can’t keep eating her hair in interviews to get away from questions about her love life, but… “Those parties always get wild and not always in a fun way. I mean, last time Becky did a line of coke of Kent’s dick and that was the least interesting thing that happened.”

“She sold that story to the paps for like three grand, though,” Chloe answers.

“Really?” Keeley exclaims, stopping her outfit fiddling to look up in shock, seeing the three at the mirror nod. “Holy shit!”

“I know,” Shandy says knowingly. “She also took the whole length down her throat, but she left that part out. But apparently it’s a great size.”

… Too much information, but Keeley can’t deny she’s a bit intrigued too. She’s not planning on ever taking the Kent Pleasure Cruise, since he’s such a self absorbed arsehole, who thinks he’s the greatest shit since beans on toast. But, he’s at least an interesting twat, who doesn’t mind throwing around his money and mansion for her to get a good picture for her Instagram feed. Plus, a few grand for a story? That is easy money and a small burst of fame. Maybe not Roy Kent, but she can have a different target.

“Sure, yeah, let’s go to Kent’s party if Chelsea wins,” she gives in, getting cheers and whoops from the girls.

Shandy finishes up her make up and comes over to her, adjusting Keeley’s tits until they sit perfectly in her top and giving them a self satisfied nod: “There. Perfect.”

“Thanks, babe,” Keeley smiles, leaning forward to wipe a bit of lipstick off Shandy’s chin, since it hadn’t fully dried yet and smudged when she talked.

“Ahw, you’re an angel,” Shandy squeals, pulling her into a hug that is basically smushing Keeley’s face into her boobs.

It had taken a lot of getting used to the casual touchiness of having model friends, but Keeley has managed. Touching and seeing each other’s tits is totally normal and means nothing. After May, she never assumes a girl is into her, no matter how much it seems like they are. Chloe, for example, is the straightest person alive and she touches everyone’s tits all the time, even kissed Keeley a few times at parties when she was drunk.

So, yeah, boobs. Normal part of her life. In a very platonic and non-sexual way… which she never thinks about anyway. Keeley can be straight just fine. Nothing wrong with boys. She likes boys. Men. Footballers specifically.

In fact, Keeley is doing very well at not thinking about girls. She can’t afford to anymore. When she’d been masturbating to the models as a teen, it was fine, but now those same models are her friends and she can’t let those lines blur. And she can’t be seen with an actual other girl. She’s always watched and monitored by all paps and phone cameras that people have now. It’s too much. She can’t risk it.

Footballers are more than fine and Keeley is going to a party full of them and finding a nice fit one for herself to fuck.

As expected, Chelsea wins, so they end up at Roy Kent’s party house. Keeley is pretty sure he doesn’t live here, since he’s inviting people over that bring people he doesn’t even know, while he’s famous for breaking the cameras and noses of people, who are trying to get an inch of private information out of him or about him.

The music is loud and there are flashing lights everywhere. Booze is flowing freely, as are drugs, but there are a bunch of snacks and fast food too. There are hungry footballers here.

Keeley and the girls stick together. Emma has a boyfriend right now, but he’s not a Chelsea player and his team is up north on an away game, so she’s a free bird for the night to play wing man. Keeley feels confident about find someone to shack up with for the night by herself, but Shandy is on a mission for something more steady to pad up her finances and socials, so they’re all sticking with her.

They end up on the dance floor after making a round to scope people out, setting their sights on a few and now setting a bait to see who bites.

All four of them cluster together, grinding on each other, arms thrown around one another’s necks as they roll their bodies to the music, making sure to catch the eyes of some of the men there. It’s a tried and true method, everyone loves girls grinding on each other.

She should probably have more morals hang ups about using sexuality like that. Fetishisizing herself. But she doesn’t. It’s a hard business to make it in and she is selling Keeley Fucking Jones; the fantasy. She’s a sex symbol and this is what she has to do to get there. To stay there.

Besides, who gives a shit. Grinding on your friends is sexy and fun and Keeley fears what her friends might think if she says something. They’re all fine with it. It’d be weirder to say something. Caring about stuff like that just isn’t something they do.

They all dance until there are men getting them drinks. Emma is taken, but willing to get drunk with a bunch of guys now that she can. Her boyfriend doesn’t like going out much. Her and Chloe are a bit of a set within their group, so she’s keeping an eye on her. Shandy has gotten the attention of one of the suitors she had her eye on.

Keeley knows that if she sticks around for too long, she’ll become competition. So she gives Shandy a wink when she gets pulled onto the dance floor by the bloke, while Shandy points at her new date and pulls a suggestive face behind his back, which makes Keeley giggle, before she finds herself alone at the bar.

She gets a fancy cocktail and leans against the bar, scanning the room. A one night stand might be nice, she thinks. She has a shoot tomorrow, but it’s not like she’s never did a walk of shame to work. Now she just needs a partner. She scans the room.

“I see your little girl group is out hunting again.” A gruff voice interrupts her cocktail sipping and scouting out potential one night stands.

In the privacy of her mind, she can admit she startles slightly, though she doesn’t react visually. She actually has a great poker face, despite how expressive she can be, especially when she’s on guard, which she always is at parties. So she turns to their… gracious host and puts on her best innocent face as she smiles: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure,” Roy chuckles. It’s snorted and amused, but genuine. In a nice way. There’s a crinkle around his eye that Keeley likes.

“What?” she asks with wide eyes, keeping up her act just to push his buttons. “Big Man Roy Kent isn’t scared of a few girls, is he?”

Another chuckle, this one closer to a scoff. He looks away for a second, then looks back. “I’m not fucking scared. I was just coming to check up on you, since you were all alone at the bar.”

That is actually quite sweet, she thinks, but she doesn’t let Roy know that. A bit of flirting is just fine, but as much as Roy Kent is masculinity incarnate, he’s not for her. He doesn’t seem the type that likes to be pushed around and Keeley loves pushing around big strong men. So she just snort giggles on purpose as she asks: “Does that line actually work?”

Her response seems to take Roy aback for a moment and Keeley thinks she fucked up and is planning an exit strategy, before Roy barks out a laugh. “You’re a cheeky one, aren’t you?”

“Some would call it charming,” she sniffs mock-snootily, putting her nose up in the air, before taking another sip of her cocktail.

“Charming. Sure,” Roy says.

“Very charming,” Keeley agrees, like that is what Roy meant. “Anyway, don’t you have to find some girl to snort coke of your dick or something?”

“I don’t suppose you’re some girl, eh?” Roy shoots his shot, sounding like a man who’s not used to getting rejected, leaning his weight on one leg to lean in closer.

Keeley places a hand on his chest and leans in as well, coming in very close before giving him a breathy whisper: “You can’t handle me, big boy.”

“Oi,” he goes, not actually offended, but a small genuine part still needing to defend himself. “I was player of the fucking match. I can handle a lot of shit. Don’t fucking decide that for me.”

“Oh wow, we all clap that you can play a game,” she fakes cheers for him, pulling back. Then she tosses her ponytail over her shoulder as she turns around and calls out: “See you around, Kent.”

She relishes in the way Roy is too stunned to respond, his face getting a bit red as he gapes at her back. It is so obvious that Roy Kent is not a person people say no to, which only makes it fun for her to do so. If she’s ever in a more ‘put me in my place’-kinky mood, he’s definitely a person to look up. He’s so fun to rile up a bit.

Like a kicked puppy, Roy licks his wounds in peace and doesn’t approach her again for the rest of the night, something that Keeley finds quite appealing.

Instead of Roy, she takes home one of his teammates to have a mediocre one night stand with, glad to sneak out in the morning to make it to her shoot. At least the lad had a banging car that they had round one in. She loves sexy cars and this was definitely one. Worth the mediocre sex, but she’s glad not to have to come back around.

Emma is doing this shoot with her and she takes a bit of comfort in the fact that she is so much more hung over than her as they change… well, into their nothing. Topless model is called that for a reason. At least they’ll get some footballs to cover their tits this time. It’s one of the less scandalous shoots that she’s done to date.

“Ugh, these lights are too fucking bright,” Emma groans as she unhooks her bra.

“Then you’re gonna hate the camera flashes,” Keeley reminds her, laughing slightly at the pained sound that Emma makes. Though, Keeley is nice and hands her a cool water bottle to drink that Emma takes gratefully. They all look out for each other in their own ways.

Getting set up for the shot and trying out poses as she follows the directions given to her is nothing new and this is a quite routine shoot. They weren’t given anything to cover up in between, which kind of sucks, but is unfortunately quite common. It’s cold too. Her nipples are hard as fuck.

… Which was probably the point, she realizes, glancing over at the director to see him palming his dick while he looks at the models in between shots. Iew. Gross. But typical also. Keeley looks away and pretends she hasn’t seen. At least he’s touching himself instead of them. Silver linings.

Her life at this point is a bit of a blur. She goes from shoot to shoot, from party to party, from boyfriend to boyfriend. She has fun. She is frustrated. She loses friends, makes new ones, loses those too.

Meanwhile the world around her spins. Gay marriage becomes legal in the UK, then the USA. Pride campaigns become more normal and there is some genuine representation out there, instead of the eroticized yet tension-less shoots she used to do.

And one day, Keeley finds herself at a gay club. Alone and feeling a bit out of place, her stomach in knots, nerves alight with anxiety… and something so deeply, achingly longing lodged under her ribs.

She’s already twenty-four now and while she’s still on top of the world – enough where she feels like she can get away with it without it closing doors for her – but she knows the end is coming. You don’t get to be over your mid-twenties and still model. Younger girls are coming in every year and this society doesn’t like women who don’t still look like teenagers.

Despite her extroverted attitude most of the time, Keeley finds herself hanging around at the bar, trying to keep a low profile. The only reason she’s even dared to be here, is because she practiced her one liner about why she’s here a million times, though she still hopes no one will even notice her enough to ask.

Keeley doesn’t even know why she’s here. She has amazing sex with men and it’s all fine. She isn’t missing out on much by not dating women. She doesn’t have to do this…

But she wants to.

God, she fucking wants to.

It feels like she’s been standing on the sidelines her whole life, looking at the other kids on the yard playing, but too scared to ask if she can join in. They all look like they’re having fun, laughing and free, and she just wants that for herself. Wants to know what it’s like. Years she spends looking, while reminding herself not to look, while wanting to look anyway. She has never been great at denying herself simple pleasures, and while this one feels complicated in her chest, it’s simple at the core and she has finally convinced herself to try. To cross that field and see if she can play too. To believe that it’s safe enough that she won’t be ridiculed and thrown out.

Still, it’s a bit more nerveracking than her usual forays into uncharted territory for the sake of pleasure and joy, which is why she’s trying to be inconspicuous, but she’s here. That’s a win.

All around her all sorts of people are having fun with loud boisterous laughter filling the air as groups screech along to the songs that are playing as they dance. In a way, it’s not that different from the clubs she usually goes to, though those who are grinding on each other are a little different and the men are dressed slutty too.

She’s having a pretty good time just sitting at the bar and observing the crowd around her. She usually likes being at the center of things, but she also likes knowing what she’s getting into. You have to read the room to know how to act and play into what they want to see, so you can get what you want. She’s not entirely sure what she might want, but she’s sure she’ll figure it out.

So, she sits at the bar and watches as the DJ announces an act and the lights converge onto the stage that’s in the back of the club. On the stage appears… a short biker dude, leather jacket, dark beard, tight leather trousers and without a shirt. The DJ announces him as Long John and it takes Keeley two seconds of closer inspection to realize he isn’t actually a guy. Or at least, that most of this guy is make up.

Keeley isn’t entirely oblivious when it comes to queer culture, even if she has mostly stayed away from it in her career, too far into sports to cross over much. She knows that drag queens existed, she just never considered the opposite being true. However, she can’t deny she’s mesmerized as she watches this performer stomp over the stage, oozing charm and cockiness, exactly how she likes.

Long John is charismatic and a bit of a prick as he winks at the cheering crowds and accepts their tips with flirtatiously blown kisses. It makes Keeley want to get up and give him a tip too, but she hesitates at the idea of getting a spot light on her here. It makes her freeze and just watch Long John with eyes she can’t even fully place herself either. She still doesn’t know what she wants.

In the end, what she might want comes right up to her at the bar after the performance is done. Long John himself, sliding into the seat next to hers, make up still on while in the background a new performance starts up.

He slides into the seat next to her like it’s the most natural thing in the world and confidently leans against the bar as he says: “Keeley Fucking Jones, as I live and breathe.”

“You don’t sound surprised to find me here,” she replies, trying desperately to sound nonchalant and amused, instead of deeply terrified.

“I am,” he assures her, which is comforting in a way, especially when he gives her a cheeky grin after and adds: “Just looked at your poster on my brother’s wall enough times while imagining a scenario like this that I’m willing to be delusional about it.”

The response is so brazen and humorous that Keeley actually laughs. It’s not the worst thing that has been said to her. At least Long John isn’t informing her about how he used to masturbate to her, or how his brother would. She gets it. She’s Keeley Fucking Jones. She’s not a person, she’s a fantasy. And she has spent years of her life working to become that fantasy. She’s used to it. It’s not all horrible anyway. It gets her into hot people’s pants, so she smirks: “Is that so?” delighted when it makes Long John blush, a small crack in the cocky facade.

However, Keeley has to hand it to Long John, he recovers quickly. The cocky smirk from before turns into a more boyish grin as he says: “Well, I have a beard drawn on my face and you’re still talking to me, so why the fuck not.”

“I think it looks handsome,” Keeley tells him, reaching out to trail her fingers over the smooth surface of his face. It’s strange and doesn’t match with the sensory memory Keeley has with the look of the beard, no scratchiness.

She doesn’t know where she’s getting the confidence to flirt with a drag king in the middle of a gay bar, but something about Long John’s energy is putting her at ease. Maybe it’s because he acknowledged how weird it is that she is here, while taking it in stride without blinking anyway. Maybe the illusion of manhood is enough for her to create a mental distance. Who knows?

“Yeah?” Long John breathes, quirking a brow in an attempt to make it less hornily docile than it is.

“Yeah,” Keeley confirms with a sharp grin, heat pulsating between her legs. She might be new at the whole picking up women thing, but she isn’t new at sex and she knows what she likes. And she likes pushing at cocksure masculinity and having it turn into putty in her hands. Long John presses all those buttons. “I mean, pretty boy wrapped up in leather? What’s a girl got to do?” she adds flirtatiously, pulling on the belt loop of Long John’s tight leather trousers.

“I, uh- I don’t know,” Long John stammers, before he recovers with: “Take me home?”

Ah, confident. Keeley likes that. She can’t wait to break it either. With a Cheshire smile she happily agrees: “Your place?” She tires not to take strangers to her house first hook up. That’s a third hook up level you have to reach. Fortunately, Long John seems more than amendable to that suggestion.

She ends up riding his face until the beard make up has practically washed off with how she gushed all over his chin. Then she rides the strap six ways to Sunday, before passing out.

The next morning, she meets Melissa without the make up on and learns she’s a plumber in the day to day and does drag for fun and little bit of cash on the side. The morning after isn’t bad with a girl, just different than what Keeley is used to. Melissa makes her coffee and breakfast and lets her borrow clothes so she doesn’t have to do the walk of shame in her club gear.

Melissa gives Keeley her number as she sees her out, telling her that she had a good time and that Keeley can come back any time. “You’re really cool. I mean, we didn’t talk much, but I like your vibe,” Melissa tells her with a small crooked grin that has Keeley’s insides swirling.

“You’re pretty cool too,” Keeley says her smile shier than it would otherwise be. Despite their introductions Melissa makes her feel like Keeley, instead of Keeley Fucking Jones. It’s a nice change of pace.

“High praise,” Melissa grins, before handing her a coffee in a to go cup. “See you ‘round?” she greets, trying not to make it sound like a question but a casual goodbye, failing slightly.

It presses a vain button inside Keeley that loves attention and she preens a little as her smile widens. “I might,” she winks, getting a boost of confidence as she presses a kiss to Melissa’s cheek and takes the coffee, letting her ponytail swish behind her as she goes without turning.

Her heart is racing slightly when she gets into the cab and she spends the whole day waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the news to break or for everyone around her to see the fact that she fucked a woman on her. For everyone to call her disgusting and leave her standing in the cafeteria all alone.

However, when that doesn’t happen. When nothing gets splashed on the cover of The Sun, when she doesn’t get ousted or told that she’s disgusting… she slowly comes down. A giddy feeling appears in her stomach.

She got away with it!

Keeley Jones slept a woman and the world didn’t end. All her fears and worries have been unfounded. The world is different now. Nobody cares. …Well, nobody knows, but it’s still huge to her. She can try to figure out more of herself without being scared. She’s not thirteen anymore and it’s no longer 2004.

With a week of nothing breaking the peace, she contacts Melissa with the number the other woman left for her, heart beating in her throat.

If Melissa is surprised to hear from her again, or at all, she doesn’t let Keeley know. She’s friendly and excited – eager in a way that is great for Keeley’s ego – at her reaching out. They fuck. Then fuck again. And again. And then again. They fuck at Melissa’s, they fuck in the bathroom of the bar he performs at, they fuck at Keeley’s.

Before she knows it, the two of them have rolled into a relationship. Her first relationship since she’s eighteen where the other person isn’t someone famous, someone more famous. She’s the famous person in the relationship now and she’s not even famous-famous, more like… famous for being almost famous. Famous for being the person that famous people date. Famous for dating publicly.

Her relationship with Melissa is not public. Sure, she hangs around with her at the gay bar they met at and a couple of Melissa’s friends know, but other than that, the dating part has been carefully kept under wraps by Keeley. Despite not being famous-famous, she still has an image to maintain and that image cannot contain her genuinely fucking a woman.

Sure, she’s done ads that are suggestive, made borderline soft core porno’s with other models in the name of selling people something. However, that’s not genuine. Not real. It’s made for the gratification of men, to be hung up on the walls by horny teenage boys. Nothing actually happens and they all know it. It’s pretend for the sake of making someone else horny. What she and Melissa are doing is very much not any of that. It’s real and for no one’s gratification except their own. It’s not palatable to the masses. Not something people can sell. It’s not a fantasy. Not Keeley Fucking Jones.

She does feel bad for Melissa, who has to sneak around. She asks her once, but Melissa just smirks and pulls Keeley close, pressing a kiss against her lips, before murmuring: “I don’t mind. Kinda hot to be your dirty little secret,” which they naturally fuck about.

It’s fun to date Melissa. Fun to find out how her fingers feel in someone else’s cunt, fun to learn how to eat someone out, fun to share make up, fun to have shoes her own size to steal, fun not have to battle through layers of internalized misogyny just to convince her partner to do something with her that she enjoys doing or watching. It’s fun to figure herself out with someone else.

Melissa is putting on her Long John make up in the mirror of Keeley’s vanity, while Keeley is right next to her doing her own make up for a night out. They’re doing such vast different things to their faces, but they’re sharing products and laughing.

“Look at us, both in our drag,” Long John smiles at them in the mirror when they’re done.

“What?” Keeley huffs out with amused confusion. “I just did my make up, babes. Nothing drag about any of this.” She gestures at her long lashes, dark lips and glitter on her lids.

Long John blinks as if surprised by her response. “Yes it is,” he says. “I mean, I know quite a few girls who are drag queens, but I meant, like, your style and stuff. You do femininity over the top. Like a costume. Drag.”

Keeley looks down at her self, rolling Long John’s words through her mind as she assesses the way she dresses herself. She’s dressed hyper-femininely, she always has. From the moment she got clothing money, she has been unstoppable, putting together outfits other girls didn’t dare to wear and following the big fashion brands like a religion.

It’s not like Keeley doesn’t have any masculine clothes. She loves a good set of boxers when she wants to be comfy and has enough stolen hoodies from ex-boyfriends that she can start her own store, not to mention all the football kits she has accumulated over the years. But she can admit she doesn’t own many trousers or shirts that are truly her own that she can claim are very masculine.

“I suppose,” she agrees reluctantly, wrinkling her nose. “But it’s just clothes. I don’t become like a whole new person the way you do. It’s mad cool.”

“Glad you think it’s cool,” Long John smiles shyly, looking down and playing with his make up brush to avoid Keeley’s eyes. “Some of my exes thought it was weird.”

What! Why?” Keeley exclaims. “That’s fucking stupid. It’s hot and sexy, first off, but besides that, it’s just cool, it’s fascinating. You’re playing with identity and shit. Becoming a different person for the night, experiment with make up, faces, who you are. It’s fucking aces.”

The shy smile becomes a grin and he meets her eyes again. “Thanks, babe.” Then he turns more thoughtful and says: “It’s not really being someone else, though. Not for me, at least.”

“No?”

“Nah,” Long John shrugs. “Maybe, kinda. But not really. I don’t become someone else, I just play a caricature of me, if that makes sense? Like I love being butch, this is just me being butch to such an extreme it becomes a performance. I’m not doing masculinity the way society says I should, I’m not taking it seriously. I’m putting it on like a costume.” A small pause. “Like you do femininity so over the top it becomes unappealing to men and you do it more when it’s just us. When you’re not out there being Keeley Fucking Jones. You’re femme, like proper femme. In the best ways. I love it about you.”

“Oh, uhm, thank you,” Keeley says, feeling very shy and very seen in a way she’s not used to, because Long John isn’t wrong.

She hadn’t even noticed it that much, but he’s not wrong that her outfits are a lot more experimental and less mainstream when the two of them go out together and she’s not selling the fantasy that is tied to her brand. She is performing. She’s doing femininity as a performance. She’s performing the girl that every guy wants to have and every girl wants to be. It’s a costume.

As much as she has tried, she’s never been the kind of women society tells her she should be. She’s dominant in bed, she’s unapologetic about being girly, she loves cars and is unabashedly sexual. She’s queer also.

So, yeah, she loves being feminine, but she isn’t doing femininity seriously. She’s playing pretend, selling an image, not her genuine self. It’s just fun to play pretend and dress up in cute clothes, but now that she thinks about it, she has never truly felt at home with the word woman in how society pushed it.

“Huh,” she finally says. “Maybe it is a bit like doing drag,” which makes Long John preen at being right, before leaning in and pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“And you look beautiful doing it,” he tells her, warmth in his eyes. Then he gets up and holds out a hand for her to hold, pulling her to her feet with a delighted shriek.

Keeley is about the same height as Long John, but in her tall heels she towers over him. She pulls him in for a deep snog, before pulling him out the house by his tie, smirking and with a satisfied feeling in her stomach at how easily he follows. She chauffeurs, feeling powerful behind the wheel of her car. It’s a beautiful car and she got a handsome girlfriend next to her. She’s on top of the world.

However, the bubble has to burst eventually. Keeley is used to being in the rags for her relationships, but the longer her tryst with Melissa continues, the more the narrative shifts and suddenly Keeley finds herself confronted with rags speculating that the Keeley Jones charm is drying up and her days of being dated and desired are over. She knows she’s twenty-four, which is getting older for a model, but these articles make her sound ancient and decrepit.

This can’t go on.

It’s not that her feelings are hurt – no, if she let things like this get to her, she never would have made it out of high school – but it could actually be damaging to her career. Like genuinely. Keeley Jones is a big name, but it isn’t a big name on its own. She’s the accessory to athletes, making them look better by standing next to them. Her on her own isn’t a product people can sell. If she doesn’t publicly attach herself to someone or something soon, she might be forgotten.

And it sucks that she has to have that conversation with Melissa. To stand there and explain to her girlfriend that she loves her and that she’s great, but that Keeley also loves her job, even when it comes with gross, ogling, groping men and feeling uncomfortable in clothes that pinch. That she doesn’t know what to do, but that she has to do something before she loses it all.

She’s shocked when Melissa doesn’t immediately hate her – because she’d been bracing for it – and instead tells her she doesn’t want to lose her either, even if she gets it. Then she shocks Keeley even more by asking if she’d want to claim her publicly, if she’d be queer in the public eye. If that would be something she could market her way around.

Keeley’s mind instantly starts to whir, thinking about the diversity projects she could do, maybe a shift into more charity work or sex ed. How it’s terrifying, but also not, because she’s been in the queer scene for months now and nothing bad has happened yet. How she’s established. How she can make it work.

When the next red carpet even rolls around, Keeley shows up in extravagant make up and Melissa clad in a suit next to her. Both of them are nervous as fuck, but it only shows on Melissa’s face as they flash smiles to the cameras and ignore most questions as they walk in. Keeley doesn’t dare do more than kiss her date on the cheek and pose with her like she has done with her boyfriends, confirming that they’re dating before disappearing into a cab at the end of the night.

The next day, she sits and waits, checking her socials and re-reading the statement she wrote about love and acceptance, ready for when the rags decent on her.

However, that doesn’t happen. Instead of the shit storm she’d been expected, the rags just proclaim them gal pals and Keeley never has to say a thing. She’s not sure if she’s disappointed or relieved as she watches nothing change on her socials.

Slowly people do catch on, but it’s not taken seriously. Her near engagement to some footballer in 2011 that was so painfully obvious in being a stunt was taken more seriously than this. It’s just a thing that is and isn’t, leaving her in a strange limbo.

She does a few pride launches and answers uncomfortably lewd questions, but that’s it. She isn’t big enough for it to be a scandal and she’s been too sexual for people to see it as anything more than her pulling something for publicity.

It’s weird. She expected so much more from all this, but it just fizzles. Well, for her, at least. Melissa has a different experience, which comes to a head two months after going public.

“I love you, Keeley, you know I do. But I can’t do this,” Melissa tells her, tears streaming down her face. “Every job I go to, I get questions if I’m that girl Keeley Jones is shagging. They ask me questions about my sex life, they feel entitled. Do you know how hard it is to be taken seriously as a plumber when you’re a girl? How shit people are? Because they are. And I can deal with it, yeah? I can. But not this. Not this- this- this invasiveness. It makes me feel unsafe, Keeley. And I can’t-”

“Please, just- We can talk it through. You and me. I’ll- I’ll release a statement. Take it back. Anything,” she pleads. “Just- Don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry,” Melissa says and Keeley knows she means it. She also knows that Melissa isn’t going to take it back.

The break up devastates her. She hadn’t realized how nice it was to date Melissa until it was suddenly gone. How nice it had been to not have to be Keeley Fucking Jones in her own relationship – even though it sometimes felt like Melissa got a kick out of her being Keeley Jones, until it wasn’t a brag to her friends anymore, but a day to day reality. Hadn’t realized how nice to was to have friends and a relationship for the sake of it, instead of what they could do for her.

It fucking sucks. Keeley doesn’t like it. She hates being lonely and she always is. Sure, she wants her space and her time alone, but she wants that with the knowledge there is someone there when she is done recharging. She needs that. She’s always been on the sidelines, always in a group of friends but never part of the group, always surrounded by people that know of her never by people that know her. There’s a loneliness in her heart she’d been able to ignore, but now creeps up on her again.

Instead of working through any of that, though she throws herself into parties and the arms of the first single footballer she can find. Keeley Fucking Jones has been quiet for too long and she needs to get back into action.

She lifts off the publicity of her returning to the dating scene, getting more calls back than she had before and lying to herself that that is good. That she likes the way the director’s eyes linger on her and doesn’t mind the fact that she’s in the skimpiest outfit alive, having to change in the middle of the streets to speed things along, while everyone else around her is wearing winter coats.

With the cat out of the bag around no one caring, she also goes through a slew of women after she dumps footballer number a hundred… and consequently finds out that even though the journos don’t take her relationships with women seriously and she can say and do what she wants, but she will be hetero sex icon Keeley Fucking Jones regardless, the same doesn’t go for fellow models.

When she gets to the shoot everything is the same with everyone bustling around to get it all up and running so they can get a move on. She nods hi to people, gets her outfit and makes her way over to the dressing room, since this gig actually has one.

The room falls silent as she walks in, her cheery “Hi” falling flat in the face of it.

Uncomfortable, Keeley makes her way over to a corner to drop her stuff and get changed. As she does, she can see the other girls exchanging looks with each other while glancing at her.

She swallows thickly and keeps her head down as she looks at the outfit – barely enough clothes to cover anything, like all of them will be wearing – and tries not be reminded of secondary PE. She’s not a teen anymore, she shouldn’t have to watch where she’s looking because what if they think she’s gay? They are adults. The press was fine. This is fine too. Why wouldn’t it be fine?

It’s not fine.

Before she can even start to take of her top to change, Amelia clears her throat and in that uppity voice she has always had, she says: “Uhm, can you… not change here?”

“What?” Keeley laughs disbelievingly, because what the fuck is she supposed to say to that? What is even happening here.

Amelia juts up her chin, gathering a lot more regal grace than a topless model should try for, and meets Keeley’s eyes head on and repeats: “Can you not change here? It’s really uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable?” Keeley chokes on rage and fear, unsure what to feel, but knowing it’s being fifteen all over again with her nudes all around school, with Chris making stupid jokes about her showing her tits to everyone now.

“Yes,” Amelia says. “Uncomfortable. I don’t want you looking at me and thinking about what it’s like to shag me. Ogling me.”

“That’s dead fucking rich, ‘Melia,” Keeley says, gathering the same wit and spine she had needed at fifteen to survive and that had never left her. “I’ve seen you topless a dozen times and I never jumped your fucking bones. Besides, everyone has seen you topless. There are loads of girls rubbing one out to your poster right now. Get a fucking grip. And I’m not the one that’s gonna be ogling you, that’s gonna be fucking Ben, ‘cause he’s a perv and creep and we all know it. Get over yourself.”

Then she snatches up her assigned outfit and gets out of there, pretending her face isn’t burning and there are no tears threatening to ruin her mascara. As much as she snapped, she doesn’t want to change there anymore, doesn’t want to feel the discomfort hanging in the air. Doesn’t want to know what will happen if she actually oversteps.

It’s not like she’s stupid and didn’t consider this, but in her heartbroken haze, she hadn’t realized what doubling down would mean and now she’s faced with it. She loves her job, despite the creeps, and if this fucks it up for her, she would be heartbroken in a different way. She knows Amelia is in the wrong here, but she can’t help but feel gross anyway. Like she did something bad. She hasn’t felt like that this deeply since she let her crush on Danica Patrick slip to Lizzy and Claire.

She ends up changing in the bathroom and she knows her energy is off during the shoot, but she tries to keep her head up high and not let the presence of the other women throw her off more than they already have.

However, when it’s all said and done and she’s changing in the middle of the studio, because who gives a shit at this point, Sophia comes up to her. She is looking over her shoulder as she does, as if she’s scared to get caught talking to Keeley, like they’re a pair of fucking criminals.

Keeley braces herself for impact, but instead Sophia says: “Don’t listen to Amelia, we don’t all think that and you can just change with us. I think it’s really brave that you came out.” She hesitates. “I wish I was that brave.” Then she hurries off, before Keeley can reply.

The interaction leaves a warm feeling in her chest and she walks away from that gig without feeling like proper shit. Sophia is right. She was brave and they can all suck her clit. She’s not doing anything wrong by changing with them.

Next time, she walks into the changing room with confidence. She doesn’t let her gaze linger and is very aware of everyone’s eyes, including her own, the whole time, but she acts normal and like it is no big deal as she switches clothes. There are definitely some women who aren’t happy with her there, but they aren’t Keeley Fucking Jones. She is. And Keeley Fucking Jones does whatever she wants. She’s been doing this since before they were allowed to drink. Piss off.

After Melissa, her public coming out and her equally public heartbreak bender, she scrambles herself together into the shape of who she used to be. She flutters between people, meeting new ones every day and forgetting them just as quickly. She dates mostly footballers, but branches out to include the women’s team as well and tries to further her career the best she can while only being famous for almost being famous.

There’s an empty ache in her heart by the time she’s twenty-nine, but she’s used to it. Loneliness doesn’t exist when you pretend the warm bodies in the club are enough and the hands on her hips as you dance are the same as someone holding you tenderly.

Tonight she’s not even looking for someone, but she wouldn’t mind if she ran into someone either. It’s a mixed bag where she feels kinds lonely but also too sexy to be desperate.

With this mix running through her veins, a pretty face appears before her, giving her a cocky smirk that screams trouble in the best way as he leans against the bar next to her and says: “I like the sparkles on your face, makes you look mad shiny, like a disco ball.”

The words are not “great tits” or “you’re my childhood wank fantasy” (even though she can tell that she was, she recognizes the look by now), but instead a compliment her make up, despite the fact that it’s obvious he knows nothing about it. “Cheers,” she smiles. “Can’t go wrong with glitter.”

Across from her, he makes a so-so gesture and his smirk morphs into a cheeky boy-ish grin as he says: “Dunno, ‘ave you tried getting it out your pubes? Mad work tha’, innit?” which makes her laugh again, his somewhat crude humor matching hers. “I’m Jamie, by the way. Jamie Tartt.” Then he holds out his hand, like genuinely actually holds out his hand, as if to shake hers to introduce himself, like that is normal club behavior. Like anyone has done that with her since May.

She recognizes him. He’s the transfer to Richmond from Man City, young and sure of himself and predicted to carry the team this season. It’s clear he knows it too, but she has always been a sucker for pretty boys with a too big ego and athlete bodies for her to prod at. Not to mention that his nerves about meeting her are endearing him to her.

“Keeley Jones,” she responds, shaking his hand, while trying not to laugh and failing slightly.

Jamie looks thrilled at her responding well to his advances, though he tries to hide it. It’s cute. He continues shaking her hand for a second too long, before dropping it. Then he asks: “So, what’s a fit girl like you doing in a dump like this?”

“I don’t know, maybe I could ask the same of you,” she shoots back, taking a step close to him and positioning herself so she’s looking up into his eyes, even though they’re close to the same height with her in her heels. She places a finger under his chin and takes a risk, because who cares if it doesn’t play out, plenty of fish in the sea. “What’s a pretty boy like you doing in a dump like this, Jamie?”

It pays off exactly like she hoped with a lovely blush spreading over his face that is embarrassed but not in a ‘I’m about to explode from toxic masculinity’-way and he swallows thickly, Adam’s apple bopping under her finger. “Oh, well, uhm,” he squeaks slightly, before getting his voice under control. “Wanted to see what the locals are up to ‘ere, y’know? Get a feel for the place.”

The answer is probably more honest than he might want to be with her when flirting, but she finds his flustered honesty refreshing. “So, Mr. Inspector,” she replies, playing with a button near his collar as she pushes her tits together. “What’s the verdict?”

His eyes track the movement and he gapes slightly, before they snap back to her face, his cheeks redder than they were before. “Very good,” he breathes.

“Yeah?” she teases with a smirk, she likes pulling him off kilter and making him blush. He truly is very pretty. She usually goes for more masculine people than Jamie, but he’s not too far from her usual type either. Strong, muscled frame and a sharp jaw with a style that is blossoming away from boring lad’s outfits into something more fashion.

“Yeah,” he confirms, nodding like a bobble head while being careful not to dislodge her hand that is now tracing along his cheek and nose.

Keeley studies him a little more, contemplating in her mind. Richmond isn’t a big club, but Man City is and he’s a rising star, whose loan has already made waves. Attaching herself to him would pull her into the spot light and she can use the boost. And Jamie seems eager enough. He’s sweet too. Cute, really. It might not last, especially with what she knows from him on the pitch, but she can’t deny she’s curious about the different sides of Jamie Tartt.

Besides, she’s been bored lately and she can use a project. Jamie seems perfect with the way he’s already eager to please and she can tell he moisturizes. With a bit of effort, she can really make something out of him. His brand is still mailable and she can totally make her mark, give him a slight up in this cutthroat world like people in the past have done for her. Give something in return for how he’ll pull her along with his fame. This is a favor based industry, after all. She helps him and he helps her.

So, she lets Jamie take her home, figuring it’ll be a bit of fun like all her relationships except with Melissa have been, before she dumps him and move onto the next sod, who can use a bit of a fix-him-up and a pat on the bum before they’re released out in the wild again. She’s like a rehabilitation center for lost footballers. Makes her use of them, before they can go find their forever home. Keeley isn’t made to keep people in her life. She is great at making friends, not keeping them and she has accepted that.

She doesn’t know yet that going with Jamie is the start of something new, but it is. They say you are a few handshakes away from success and she has found the right hand to shake. Not because of Jamie himself, no. Jamie’s a bit of a prick, actually, though he tries.

And through him, Keeley has come to stand on the threshold of the rest of her life, because Jamie is the reason she’s going to meet Rebecca, and Rebecca will be the first proper friend she has ever had.

~~

A/N:

There is something so special to me that Keeley used to be a girl who was always left to sit alone in friend groups, like she reads as someone who makes acquaintances so easily and friends never. Her and Rebecca seem like they only have each other that first season and that really made me think, you know? Keeley is such a surface level only, social butterfly type. Always the third wheel, always less close than everyone else. Always surrounded, never seen. Idk, it fit, to me

Also I love baby Keeley already being so aware of her image, like she has always done what she does now on some level, it’s a strong headcanon of mine <3

Imperfect, ‘bad girl’ victim!Keeley, my beloved. She didn’t deserve any of the things that happened to her, even if sometimes her own choices let her to an unsafe situation and even if she didn’t always realize she was a victim in the moment or ever.

I also think it is really intriguing how, yeah, having those older art school friends was bad for her, but they also did put her on this path. You can be successful of your own abuse/exploitation and that doesn’t make it right. Victimhood in our society is so interesting to explore. This fic has kind of become a thesis, I fear

Honestly, I love that Keeley doesn’t give a fuck about football so much. It’s a character detail that gets overlooked sometimes, but it adds so much to her imo

No one is allowed to say shit about Melissa/Long John she/he pronouns, you know you use she/her for drag queens and it’s fine and I can do whatever I want, because I have he/she pronouns and I’m a lesbian and we need to get collectively more normal about it, fight me <3 (wow, this is so preemptively defensive, sorry if ur already cool)

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

The Archive of my Fandom Fuckery