@schuerk - Tumblr Blog

It makes me so happy that there are more and more non-German Spatort fans, but I wish I could transfer that uniquely German feeling to them that it‘s Tatort of all things, because it just makes it hit different, like it makes it surreal and hilarious and really really really special

#spatort #Tatort Saarbrücken #schuerks

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#once again depression posting #sorry in advance #i’m pretty sure i’m traumatised from holding my Mom’s hand while she took her last breaths #the panick in her eyes #the stillness when it was over #it still makes me feel so horrified and sick and just #fuuuuck #i need to get myself some help #when people say someone passed away peacefully this was like the complete opposite

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#so if found out my dad is secretly dating a new woman only 9 months after my Mom (his wife of 39 years) passed away #i’m immensely disturbed #obviously i want him to be happy and i want hime to find someone else eventually #but my mom litterally JUST passed away #wtf… it makes me want to throw up

schuerk

It’s Mom’s birthday. Dad got mad and thought I had forgotten because I didn’t immediately wish her a happy birthday. Well, sorry that that feels wrong to say to someone who is dying and probably won’t have another birthday. Sorry that I needed a few minutes to gather the strength. Sorry that I was only able to give her a really long hug.

Well, actually I’m not sorry. I know Mom knows that I love her and wish her all the best every single moment of everything day. I can’t deal with Dad’s shit anymore.

schuerk

First birthday that she isn’t here for anymore. I would do fucking anything to hold her again one more time. Life has felt so meaningless ever since she passed.

#happy 59th birthday mom…#dad’s still full of shit btw #trying to not be mad at him #he’s all i have left after all #but ugh he is so creepy #anyway #i love you so so much mom

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#how is it possible that she is gone forever #i’ll never hear her voice again #she’ll never tell me that everything will be okay again #we will never hug again #she will never send me surprise packages again #no more selfmade Adventskalender #no more watching gymnastics together #she’ll never cut my hair again #i’ll never be able to show her pictures of my trips again #she’ll never meet my (very hypothetical) kids #she’s just gone #for fucking ever #i can’t take it #i need this fucking pain to stop #i don’t know how to go on #and i don’t want to #it’s unbearable #tw death

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#well #today we buried my mothers ashes #idk which day was worse #this one or the day she died #i have cried more in the past weeks than my whole life together before that #i am so fucking devastated

<3

so sorry for your loss. ich hab die letzten Wochen oft an dich gedacht und dir stumm viel Kraft gewünscht, gerade jetzt wünsche ich sie dir ganz besonders. meine aufrichtigste Anteilnahme.

Vielen Dank. <3

Hey, ich schicke dir eine ganz dicke virtuelle Umarmung.

Das ist so scheiße und unfair, aber ich bin sicher, dass deine Mum froh war, dich in ihren letzten Momenten bei sich zu haben.

Nimm dir mit allem, was folgt, ganz viel Zeit für dich selbst. Lass alle deine Gefühle zu, so wie sie kommen, und lass dir von niemandem vorschreiben, wie du zu trauern und damit umzugehen hast. Den Weg kannst du nur alleine gehen, aber es wird immer wieder Menschen geben, die ihn ein Stück mit dir gehen können.

Und falls du reden willst, meine DMs sind immer offen.

Alles Liebe <3

(achja und du musst auf diesen ask nicht antworten, ich wollte einfach, dass du weißt, dass jemand da ist, auch wenn wir uns nur flüchtig übers Internet kennen)

Ich habe gerade keine Worte aber danke dir. <3

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#alles ist so surreal #Mama wurde heute vormittag abtransportiert #dann waren wir beim Bestattungsinstitut und haben da alles möglich geklärt #scheiße muss man da viel beschließen wenn man eigentlich nur im Bett liegen möchte #die Urne die wir uns ausgesucht haben ist ganz okay #den Sarg werden wir sowieso nie sehen #dann waren wir noch auf dem Friedhof #sind kaum Gräber frei aber wir konnten uns eins am Rand neben einer großen Birke aussuchen #ich glaube das hätte ihr gefallen #es tut alles so weh ich kann das nicht glauben #wir hatten 5 Monate Zeit um uns dran zu gewöhnen aber es fühlt sich trotzdem schlimmer an als alles was ich mir vorstellen konnte #tw death

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#my mother has passed away #i held her hand and talked to her while she went #i have no words #i love you forever Mom #you fought so well #i am glad that your suffering is over

wizardarchetypes

really strange how you can be almost at peace with something that happened to you but it will continue to be a defining moment of your life for the rest of your life. you wont think about it much anymore but in a conversation about a film someone will mention the year it was released and you’ll think to yourself, “that was before it happened” and you’ll see an old photo and think how strange it is to have existed before it happened and somehow it’s like living a life in two acts

#reading this while sitting at my mom’s bedside while she is dying with a few hours/days left #tw death #nothing will ever be the same

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#i am just dead inside #it costs me everything to still seem social at work/friends/training #but i’m reaching my limit #fuck cancer i can not survive losing the one person who loves me unconditionally #i need this pain to stop i can’t breathe

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#i’m in so much pain #mom’s still alive but i’m already grieving all the things that will never happen now #hurting because of everything that Mom and Dad are going through #and knowing that everything will get a million times worse in a matter of weeks #i don’t know how i’m going to bear it #i’m hardly able to do anything at this point already #i’m being dragged down by an unbearable weight on my shoulders #honestly it’s hard to breathe most days

It’s Mom’s birthday. Dad got mad and thought I had forgotten because I didn’t immediately wish her a happy birthday. Well, sorry that that feels wrong to say to someone who is dying and probably won’t have another birthday. Sorry that I needed a few minutes to gather the strength. Sorry that I was only able to give her a really long hug.

Well, actually I’m not sorry. I know Mom knows that I love her and wish her all the best every single moment of everything day. I can’t deal with Dad’s shit anymore.

#Listen I know things are unimaginably hard for him #but i’m still mad

Really happy that I’ll see Mom again in about two hours, but also really scared to see how she looks now… it’s only been three weeks but I know she got even weaker and sicker in that time.

Also they are considering to stop her chemo…

Also also tomorrow is her birthday :’)

i wish i had cancer instead of my mom. i at least deserve it

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