NOOT NOOT

🅱️ITCH

[scoopidty-noot]

First time making out, jumped a few steps

Met this girl from a house party, and hit it off and at the end of the party we just made out for like an hour, and when we realised it was 5am, so bridal carried her up 2 floors and got her to bed (I was crashing downstairs)

As she was closing the door, she gave me a final kiss, and when I left, out of complete instinct to saying this to everyone

I fucking said

‘love ya’

I’ve known her for 8 hours

Dude

What

The

Actual

Fuck

Legit closed the door and slammed my head into the wall in despair

Best night of life, and I fucked it

[scoopidty-noot]

Teacher made a pass at me?

Some years ago I was playing Voldemort in the production of "A Very Potter Musical" - go check out the original on YouTube

Half way through the show where I (Voldemort) is reborn, a big surprise to the audience when I exit the cauldron with a top unbuttoned showing my torso and then proceededing to tap dance, which is all fine by me

But on our last night we go all out, I decided to go fully shirtless for old times sake and give it 200%

Trouble is, I've got around 10 seconds to get my shirt off behind the cauldron, and my buttons are stuck

Luckily Bellatrix delayed it by making it a joke to the audience

Finally I emerge, to the usual clapping and what not, but what I did not expect was a wolf whistle

Keep in mind there's only 30 people in the audience

I carry on and at the end of the show my mates from the audience comes up to me and says,

"did you hear the wolf whistle?"

"Yeah ahah, was it you??"

"mate, it was our Maths teacher"

[scoopidty-noot]

Alright, who else gets more excited when you're talking to someone you're interested in on snapchat, and they text you, like you get the '**** is typing' and the 'from ****' which is normal right? That's vanilla

But when you get 'from ****' like a 15 seconds later, and another one, and another, and so on and so on for like 5 min

Like the every so often reminder, and you get surprised by each one, and they've just got so much to say, and they're comfortable with telling you it all

Just

Ergh yes please

[scoopidty-noot]

Legit I could've died

Zambia, 2017

Our last couple of days in Zambia concluded with going to a extremely well off school in the middle of nowhere

Like swimming pool, basketball courts and football pitches far as the eye could see

We were all chilling by the pool, and My teacher, my mate and I decided to do a race in the pool, and obvs we wanted to beat our teacher so we agreed

The starting block looked like this

3

2

1

GO

We all dived in hands pointed forward, head in line with hands

Plunged into the cold water, bubbles flashing past my face

A sharp pain envelops my thoughts

I spring my hands flush with the pool floor and push myself out of the water

I still couldn't work out where the pain was coming from

To my left my mate got out the water, realising sooner than I, that this pool was too shallow

To my right, my teacher continued to the best of his knowledge to win the race

I wiped my face to get rid of the water in my eye, and blood dripped off my hands

I realised I had full on smashes my jaw on the bottom of the pool at full force from my dive

My right shoulder was also stuck to my t-shirt from what I could assume was due to the blood

One of my other mates from hearing the news came rushing over from the basketball court

"hey man, you okay?!!"

"I'll survive" I answered

"oh that's chill, cya at dinner" and went off to play, like dude, come on now

Legit kinda chipped my jaw 5000 miles away from home.....

[scoopidty-noot]

Bro-can you help

Y6 summer term, and we had just had our cycling proficiency test and we all passed

I was never a comfortable rider on the road, but as many things go, with mates you go above and beyond to seem like you're not

Cut to the next morning, my best mate had stayed over and we decided to go for a cycle around the village

Outside of my house, is a gradual slope going down hill, and around after 50 meters has a sharp turn going off to the left, like incredibly sharp, the wedge of grass is like an 1/8 of a full circle directly on the left

So me and my mate thought, that, much like in the movies if we go fast enough we can drift around the turn

However, a key part we forgot was that they use motorbikes, and of course, it was a movie

I thought, pffft I passed the test yesterday this'll be good

Went down the hill too fast did the curve

Leg was then trapped between road and bike, skidding for 5 meters

Leg smashed, ended up breaking it, while my mate, thought I was over reacting and walked over at a leisurely pace

In essence, don't underestimate the chance of your own stupidity

Ended up looking like this, but with more pain, and awesomeness

[scoopidty-noot]

The night I was thought dead

~

Twas the Saturday of Reading 2018

The night I went off, being a bit too keen

Where battery levels were no longer in green

What's there, a "silent disco hot tub time machine"?

~

Out on the dance floor

Not a single fuck given

"let the rain pour"

My best life I be livin'

~

I danced and I jived

As many pills were popped

For the beat was alive

And to the music I did bop

~

Twas the end of that fateful night

Where my friends, were no where in sight

Thanks to my head (above others in height)

I might see my mates in this dim light.

But low and behold,

It was the dead of night

~

To my phone I did look

For help I did search

Around there was no one but crooks

They did learch

~

No battery there was

No person to find

If I only I did pause

And not be left behind

~

I went on my way

As best as I could

To the place I did lay

We called "the hood"

~

But to my bad luck

It all seemed the same

"Fuckity fuck fuck"

I did exclaim

~

3am and no one around

I think I'm in the right direction

But not one movement

Not one sound

~

Then, it became clearer

By the thrift store I did stand

There I moved nearer

Setting off my dopamine glands

~

The campfire was ablaze

This couldn't be true

"Mum, it isn't a phase"

I found them outta the blue

~

As I reached them

I did hear them cry

"it's him, but umm

We all thought you died"

~

The night went on,

With laughs all round

With my mates I did found

~

Back to our old routine

If only I had forseen

~

That Saturday of Reading 2018

[scoopidty-noot]

Shat myself thanks to Tip toe (thru the tulips)

After watching Insidious (to which I was not a was a fan of) with my mates one night, we all decided to go home around 2am

I waited around for a bit to walk with one of my mates while they others drove home

When we left I was whistling the "tip toe" tune to half scare my mate, and then dropped him off

On the rest of the walk back it was pitch black, and my phone had run outta battery so I couldn't use a torch

Finally I reached my driveway, and whistling the tune had started to be a little creppy by this point.....

I hear the song blast from Infront of me, getting louder by the second

I can hear movement right next to me with the song banging in my ears

I look to my left, bright light illuminating a figure

And to my surprise

My mates had parked in my driveway waiting for the last 5 minutes to scare me

TL;DR my mates fucked with me, and there's open spaces if anyone's interested

[scoopidty-noot]

First ever date : flopped

After school, taking her to the cinema, gonna watch a horror movie of sorts

Extremely excited as this was the first time a girl had been interested in me, I was kinda skipping along the sidewalk, ahead of her while she chatted to some mates

I look back, and full on stack it

Face first

Gravel faced

Palms flush with my body, equally ruined

Unfortunately this was not found as a cute look back and fall due to her gorgeousness, but rather an amusing time for her and her mates not caring in the slightest about my bleeding face

We broke up a week later

[scoopidty-noot]

Trying things out on a date - gone wrong

At her house

We're chatting about what ketchup can go with

Simple examples : chips, potatoes, bacon....

Odd examples : peas, carrots, sweetcorn???....

Somehow she thought

"hmmm how bout Bananas?"

"what about Banan.....wait, no you don't mean?"

"imma try it"

Went and got a banana, peeled it and began to put ketchup on

(Yanno the whole girls eating banana thing being attractive or something? This disproved it)

no facial change yet

"so?" I ask

She turns

pukes

Never again

[scoopidty-noot]

Forgot my dates name, and made it worse

I asked this girl out to if she wanted to go get lunch in town, and she said "I'd love to" to my astonishment. As we were still in school at the time, we had to sign out when we left in case a fire alarm went off they wouldn't have to look for us.

Basically, went to sign us out, and I blanked on her name.

I had no idea what her name was, only the first kinda sound of her surname was in my head!

I was freaking out.

Tried to play it cool like "aha what's your surname again??" While absolutely dying inside?!????

She says her name but as other people are signing out I can't hear her

This is some sort of nightmare, I'm gonna wake up right....

Unfortunately not

I just jot down that first sound of her surname I could remember, "Car"

My subconscious decided to auto complete what I was writing thankfully

I looked again, and I had written down the first name of a girl ("Cara") I had liked and talked to just prior to this girl....

I was hmm okay..... We're just gonna leave... And was like okay cool let's go

Then later when I came back someone noticed I wrote down that other girls name and queried me about why I had written down that name when I went out with girl A.....

I wanted to die

[just-shower-thoughts]

There were probably a lot of medieval food tasters with unknown allergies that got a lot of cooks wrongfully executed.

[bloojayoolie]

Friends, Funny, and Relationships: dalekitsune the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” is actually not the full phrase it actually is “curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back” so don’t let anyone tell you not to be a curious little baby okay go and be interested in the world uwu consultingmoosecaptain See also The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb Meaning that relationships formed by choice are stronger than those formed by birth espurr-roba Let’s not forget that “Jack of all trades, master of none ends with "But better than a master of one.” It means that being equally good/average at everything is much better than being perfect at one thing and sucking at everything else. So don’t worry if you’re not perfect at something you do! Being okay is better! thelastmellophone These made me feel better thelifeofatubaplayer Also, “great minds think alike” ends with “but fools rarely differ” It goes to show that conformity isn’t always a good thing And that just because more than one person has the same idea, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea becausetheintrovert what the fuck why haven’t i heard the full version to any of these unlimitedtrashworks “Birds of a feather flock together” ends with “until the cat comes.” It’s actually a warning about fair-weather friends, not an assessment of how complementary people are monsters-and-teeth l’ve always felt like these were cut down on purpose evil-shenanigans-alpha I really like these phrases and plan on spreading this knowledge alwayswillgraham The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese its-kk-yo I want to make designs out of these sunderlorn Funny how all the half-finished ones encourage uniformity and upholding the status-quo, while the complete proverbs encourage like.. iving exciting, eclectic lives driven by choice and personal passion

[officialnoot]

[spatialsoloist]

It amazes me that I can accurately type at top speed without looking at my keyboard but still pour water down my shirt ‘cause I missed my mouth in general.

[wern]

[tastefullyoffensive]

[princesszeldazbyebye-deactivate]

tbh the best feeling in the world is when you get to make your favorite people laugh and you have that moment of yes,,,,, just as planned,,,,,,,,,,, I have Succeeded in Bringing Them Amusement,,,,,, look at that Beautiful Smile™ that means the world to me