sebastian and his attempt to live up to other people's expectations despite being lost himself.
sebastian’s worldview is currently being disrupted. as a demon who has lived for hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years, he has developed a certain fixed understanding of how the world and humans function. of course, he continues to evolve as a character, but he still operates within a horizon of knowledge he considers unquestionable. he is always the one expected to adapt, to find solutions, to guide others like a shepherd. “sebastian, the plants aren’t blooming,” “sebastian, take care of my nephew,” “sebastian, come up with a way to win the curry contest,” “sebastian, do something so we can investigate your own murder,” “sebastian, don’t leave the young master,” “sebastian, you need to find a way into the school,” “sebastian, what do we do to bring the young master back to himself?” “sebastian, that guy is lying, right?” “sebastian, what are you planning to do now that ciel has lost everything?” “sebastian, who are we?” sebastian, sebastian, sebastian. everyone relies on him—finny, mei-rin, bard, snake, tanaka, agni, soma, lizzy, francis, and above all, ciel. he cannot afford to fail, so even if he himself is shaken, he has to pull himself together and respond appropriately. in moments of crisis, someone has to take control, and that role has always fallen to him.
there was a constant struggle within him between what was being implied (r!ciel's return) and what should have been impossible (his soul had been devoured. people cannot simply return to life as though nothing had happened). he doesn't confront these doubts with ciel, unwilling to entertain the possibility that he might genuinely be considering a scenario that contradicts the very foundations of his existence as a demon. he manifested because the price for crossing over had been paid. if the loss of a soul did not mean a definitive end, then a crucial aspect of the entire system would be lost—the fact that it is precisely overwhelming emotions, born from irreversible loss, that allow someone to summon a demon in the first place.
and yet, everything turns out to be true. what he tried to dismiss as impossible manifests right before his eyes, only to remind him that no one allowed him to speak. we've seen sebastian panic a few times before, usually when he encountered circumstances he hadn't anticipated (and if i remember correctly, they always involved ciel. when his asthma returned during the circus arc. when he started bleeding and sebastian realized ciel was in danger. when he caught the scent of his blood). but he had never looked genuinely shocked. it's one of the very few moments where his instinctive reaction slips past the carefully crafted mask he always maintains. for the first few seconds, he is genuinely stunned that the person standing before them is none other than his master's brother.
however, after a moment he returns to his role, taking the lead on ciel’s behalf, as ciel is too overwhelmed by strong emotions to function properly. but that doesn’t mean that once the dust settles, he won’t have a moment to analyse everything. this is not a matter of reading one or two books, as he usually does. the appearance of a single person disrupts everything he has believed so far. it’s not “what does it matter if your brother is alive, as long as you believe it?” it’s “i had my suspicions since i saw the writing on the wall, but i don’t understand how this is possible—your soul isn’t there, and yet you speak to me as if it still were.” this is a body that looks like his master, speaks like his master, and above all carries memories from a time when he was not yet able to function. it is as if sebastian spent centuries believing that the sun revolves around the earth, only for someone to take him into orbit and show him that the earth revolves around the sun. instead of a hypothesis that can simply be disproven, it is a direct contradiction of reality presented before his eyes. sebastian cannot lie to ciel—but what is a lie, when he himself feels deceived? the presence of r!ciel undermines the very foundation of sebastian as a demon, who has always taken for granted that “humans cannot be brought back to life.”
even if they manage to escape for the moment, sebastian cannot stop wondering how this will affect his relationship with ciel. he doesn't try to comfort him, nor does he attempt to convince him that he wasn't lying. there are no words he could offer that would feel sufficiently sincere. undoubtedly, the thought crosses his mind that ciel might want to break the contract and reunite with his brother—the very person he wished to bring back to life, and now he's standing right in front of him—but he does not try to dissuade him. he allows ciel time to process everything, waiting for his verdict.
only three weeks passed between fleeing the estate and arriving at the hotel. still without a full understanding of the situation, sebastian is once again confronted with something outside his norm. a man appears who supposedly recognizes him, yet sebastian does not remember him at all. it is hard to dismiss this as coincidence, especially since the man knows sebastian is a demon. before, saying “it’s impossible that he was my former contractor” would have been as obvious as daylight—but now, how can he be certain? how can he know this is not yet another case of deception, and that modri is truly his former contractor? how can he be sure he is not being misled again, that the existence of two contractors is somehow possible? regardless of whether he consumed his soul or not—if r!ciel can exist without one, then nothing prevents the possibility that someone he once made a contract with could exist in the same way. how can he trust himself, when he might at any moment be proven wrong?
they are in a place that is likely connected to undertaker, who so far has been responsible for destabilizing the very foundations on which sebastian stands as a demon. it would be no surprise if he approached everything with a degree of distrust, even if he does not show it. he cannot show it—he is not the one meant to speculate. ciel wants answers, and answers he will get, at least ones sebastian believes to be true, even if they may later prove otherwise. this is what sebastian has done from the very beginning—he controls the narrative.
on top of that, sebastian is forced to confront the fact that he was wrong. an identity he believed he had thoroughly verified now stands right before him (and it does not seem that they suspect him of impersonation). if there is anything sebastian could take pride in, it would be his investigative abilities—compiling a list of jack the ripper suspects within minutes, uncovering information about the secret society aurora, extracting the truth from cole’s victims. he has never made mistakes when it comes to gathering information. and yet, here is another situation that shakes that principle. one such incident might be dismissed, pushed aside by the excuse that there are more pressing matters—but when destabilizing elements keep appearing, suggesting that sebastian cannot be so certain of his own knowledge and skills?
the way he carries the narrative solely because it is expected of him, even while he feels the ground slipping beneath him, is genuinely fascinating. ciel pretended to be someone he wasn’t in order to maintain his mask, but sebastian does the same. everyone understands that ciel might feel lost right now, just as they themselves were shaken by the situation, but no one even considers the possibility that the same applies to sebastian. he is, in a sense, a victim of his own narrative—one where he is not allowed to be vulnerable, because everyone closest to him expects him to remain the final pillar they can rely on. sebastian has no one to lean on himself.
i wanted to include a theory that he might also be suffering from amnesia, which would make him even more disoriented, but i decided to separate analysis from speculation, so if anyone is interested, that post is here.
