[scr33ch1ngv01d]

So this is a side blog for me to vent on whenever shit gets a lil too bad, and saying it is what it is isn't working

Trigger Warnings: suicidal ideations, mentions if financial instability, mentions of a bad parent, dysphoria

I will tag every post with #vent and any other triggers if specifically mentioned

I donno if this will always be a vent blog, guess we'll see how it goes

[scr33ch1ngv01d]

I'm so tired of everything, I'm at uni now and stuff has been better but also worse. I just started trying to get help for my mental health and it was helping but then I tried applying for the hardship fund at my uni and they rejected me because the numbers they made up we're meant to survive off of and assumed income they include regardless of if you actually work or not and said well clearly you have too much money!!! so fuck you!!! even though I only have 21£ (actually 1£ because I have to pay for my phone and amazon prime) until the end of September and I'm meant to survive off that aand they know that! but they said well you sent money to your family! so you had enough money!( if I didn't my mom amd our cats would starve) and I told them that but they don't care, I had a meeting to discuss why I was rejected but the guy was late for it and I was shaking and crying the entire time so I couldn't even defend myself and try to explain that I can't even afford food or anything, like I can't even buy a train ticket home from uni for the summer and all he said was sorry I can't help, you can try to appeal the decision if you can prove you can't work! he couldn't even fucking ask me if I'm alright when I was clearly breaking down infront of him nor did he ask how the hell I was surviving, I'm sure he's a nice person but right now I hate him so much. plus my headphones, the one thing that brings me some peace just fucking broke, I can't do this anymore I just don't know what to do. I can't stop crying since I got back and I still have an essay and two 10min presentations I need to make due on the 10th of july but I have no idea if I can

[scr33ch1ngv01d]

I'm fuckin hungry now that I got home from that nearly 5 hour train journey(4 diff trains) aswell but there's nothing in the fridge and I can't deal with trying to do any of the dishes and I can't aford to get anything either and I don't know what I can try to bring for lunch to college tomorrow either so now I'm crying about that too, fuck I'm pathetic

[scr33ch1ngv01d]

so I just got back home from visiting my dad for nearly two weeks, and I donno how to feel, I loved visiting him and his gf and getting to see his gf's daughter (also visiting them) again, it's the second time I've gone and while last time my ma was doing sk much worse mentally again so it was a sort of escape from having to unwillingly play therapist again atleast she still had a job in that moment and while yeah we we're worried about bills atleast it wasn't that bad but this time she had another breakdown right after she got her last paycheck (which was nearly two months worth) (the breakdown wasn't related to her losing her job) and instead of trying to save as much as possible she drank, a lot, like around 100£ a week for like 2 or 3 weeks, and sure I bought stuff I could have not gotten (band and movie T's but only cause the way she acted in the beginning I didn't realise she was drinking THAT much again) and yeah, when I left for my dads she was emotionally better so I left on a good note but FUCK was I not prepared to come back, well I thought I was fine but the second I walked through the door and saw the pile of month old dishes and our cat still looking depressed I just felt like I was crashing down, I started crying realising I'm back to my reality, knowing we're just on the edge of homelessness or having our gass/electric turned off and how together we only have like 13£ for the rest of the month and electricity and gas are about to run out and need to be topped up again, I'm just glad my ma saw me in the moment I'd stopped crying cause I know she woulda broken down cause if I show even a bit of worry/sadness anything around her she breaks. It's all just too much my face is covered in tears, I'm in my room for nearly 2 hours now and I haven't had the energy to change or do anything and just looking at the fuckin trash heap that is my room isn't helping. I just wanna scream and make it all go away, why the fuck won't it just go away