[pansyfemme]

*guy who is very clearly going through. something* oh yknow. just a little tired haha

[screwthisimout]

It’s cold as shit

I’m sick

I’m on my period

My hair is greasy

Haven’t gotten a text back

I have to go to work.

[androdragynous]

being on tumblr for a long time but never reading homestuck like

[pointnclick]

good work team lets hit the showers. lets hit the showers guys. lets get in the showers. are you guys coming in the showers with me

[spectrumcore]

horror movie where the ‘final girl’, your brainy-but-practical, sexy-but-not-too-sexy white christian brunette who knows how to handle herself (except doesn’t take it too far and actually challenge white heteropatriarchal norms) is killed within the first twenty minutes because the villain wants to kill the ‘competent’ one while she’s not expecting anything and therefore the remaining 60 minutes is butch-bimbo solidarity hour between all the weird girls, lesbians, and sluts who are usually killed first

[couriers-mile]

Soon may the wellerman come

your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

[wrenrouge]

okay, but all I’ve done today is sleep lmao 

[wrenrouge]

I woke up at noon, ate lasagna and went back to sleep right after

[wrenrouge]

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT  UP!!!!!!!

[glumshoe]

My father and I play this… game… in which we both pretend to be attempting to assassinate each other. When we serve the other food or drink, we’ll adopt the most suspicious mannerisms and wording possible, as though the food were secretly poisoned and we are eagerly waiting for them to eat it and die.

The other player pretends that they know their food is poisoned, but must feign ignorance and try to come up with subtle excuses not to eat/drink it without seeming rude or directly confronting the other about the attempted kinslaying.

Wholesome family bonding.

[glumshoe]

Last night my father brought me “a nice tall glass of ice water” and stood there watching me closely as I sipped it. I pretended to swallow, at which point he threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

While he was laughing, I spit the entire mouthful of water that I’d been holding in my mouth onto his shirt, patted my chest, and said, “Oh, dear, Father; I’m afraid this water was just too cold. I need to let it warm up. Why don’t I make us some… tea.”

[glumshoe]

Another thing we do is imply that we have set lethal traps for each other.

“Goodnight Father,” I’ll tell him (because Father with a capital F is the most sinister and threatening thing you can call your dad). “I hope you sleep well tonight. Very well. It would be a shame if something… disturbed you.“ In response, he’ll make an offhand remark about needing to Google the upper age limit for sudden infant death syndrome, or he’ll bring up my “inheritance” and the possibility that he might have worthy bastard children somewhere. 

My mother does not like our game.

[earthdad]

baby: *is crying*

me: that baby has the world figured out already and at such a young age

[sicksadstar]

im sitting in the backseat of my body, always

[depression-stays-but-you-dont]

sorry for not talking to anyone i am completely one hundred percent disconnected from this reality

[xxleondraxx]

BREAKING NEWS!

Local budgie arrested for Crimes.

A local parakeet was taken into custody early Sunday morning after complaints of Excessive Nonsense and Being a Butthole.

[newtlesbian]

not wearing a labcoat so the other scientists know im a whore

[salty-noob-deactivated20200310]

My favorite thing about being an archer in Skyrim is when the slow motion kill cam follows the arrow and you get to sit back and watch as it just absolutely misses the target.  

[cyberlesbiab-deactivated2021052]

[tistler]

[l0nely-smiles]

hey when the fuck are things gonna get easier

[beaky-peartree]

the only DB Cooper theories i accept:

he died cuz he was an idiot who jumped out of a fucking plane during a rain storm in the middle of the night

it’s tommy wiseau

[xenosagaepisodeone]

there’s no proof he hit the ground so he could still fall on us at any time