You wouldn't know it from stumbling upon this blog, but I've been looking into practices and concepts people would term as spiritual since early 2002. I've had many experiences (out of the body and in my everyday life) since then, and it's been really interesting. I think my life so far has turned out differently than it would have otherwise.
I've entitled this blog post as I have because I think that most people stop searching sooner or later. This may be a bit of a controversial statement, and it might not even be true, but it's what I've observed, and as such it's my opinion. It's not really that strange. There is attrition in most pursuits that require considerable dedication in life; people get busy, lose interest, develop resentment towards the thing they're doing, and all sorts of things. This applies to spiritual-type studies too, from what I can tell. Perhaps one day it will affect me too. I don't like considering the possibility, but people way more dedicated-seeming than me have moved on from these kinds of studies in the time I've been interested in them, and so statistically-speaking, I might too (though I hope not).
I keep saying "studies," so let's establish some terminology. I primarily study the teachings of the spiritual teacher Belzebuub (http://www.belzebuub.com) at the moment. It's not just his works, but a bunch of other ones as well (http://www.belzebuubteachings.com/sacred-texts/). I found out about how to have out-of-body experiences, be in the present moment, and a bunch of other stuff through courses based on his works that were running at the time, though. And yes, I've met him a number of times. I'll just refer to his teachings and the sacred texts as "the study," "Belzebuub's teachings," "esoteric studies" or similarly from now on. Also, the word "study" in itself usually implies a practical study, so just imagine I'm writing "study and practice" every time I use it.
What this blog post is and isn't
Let me say that the point of this blog post isn't really to address the reason for leaving the studies that I gave above because I don't entirely know why I'm still trying and others aren't, although I do know why I'm trying (which I'll get into). What I actually want to address is something I haven't for quite some time and for a variety of reasons. What I want to address is the implication that I'm involved in a cult or a cultish group - you know, in the negative sense. I'm not planning to say a whole lot - those who think of Belzebuub in that way probably have their own reasons, and it'd be foolish to think I'd change their minds in a blog post. I'm not writing this for them. I'm writing it for those who perhaps have a neutral standpoint in the matter or are simply interested in reading the words of a fellow student of Belzebuub's teachings.
Some background info and stuff
Oh yeah, and to write this post, I have to make some assumptions. Some of them might be wrong. I think I'll get the point across even if there are minor mistakes. I doubt you need this disclaimer, dear readers, but...well...you know.
Anyway, if you read http://www.gnosticfreedom.com, you can get an idea of the main beef those promoting the idea that The Gnostic Movement and related groups are cults have. Most of it seems to have been issues with how the organization was run and what they perceived as what it actually did vs. what it said. They also questioned the validity of Belzebuub's teachings compared to others.
This is where I tell you what I think
I'm going to be blunt here: I couldn't care less about most of the issues raised. That's not why I started these studies, and it's not why I continue them. Besides, I've dealt with lots of people and situations in The Gnostic Movement and related groups. They're good people. They probably make mistakes. They probably do things and then wish they hadn't. Maybe some make mistakes, don't realize, and uphold them as having been the right thing. Point is, people make mistakes, and a few of them aren't characteristic of an entire teaching. I did also mention situations, and, well, how do I put this...I know that sometimes things can go wrong and would prefer that they sometimes do? I think expecting life to go as I expect is crazy; it just doesn't, and there's a lot to be learned when it doesn't. I think the very definition of things going wrong is that they don't go as I expect. Who knows - maybe I'm just cognitively dissonant (I'm sure a few would say I am) - but I try to step back and see what I can learn from a situation and what hand I've had in causing it before blaming others.
That's part of why I still search, but I wouldn't say it's the main part. Really, I'm searching and studying these teachings simply because I've proven much more than I've disproven. I've had out-of-body experiences with many different techniques. I've been aware. I've woken up in dreams (lucid dreams). I've had lots and lots of interesting dreams to boot with symbols, numbers, etc. My life has improved. I've become more efficient. My attention is less scattered. If I hadn't started studying Belzebuub's teachings, the fact is that a lot of these things may never have happened. That isn't really the point, though; the point is that I am studying these teachings. For whatever reason, here I am. Nothing dangerous or whatever has happened to me, so here I continue. Before I am disciplined and try hard enough to really be able to prove or disprove a lot more, I'm continuing to study these teachings. Others' experiences are their own; I do what makes sense to me.
Separating the known and unknown
Belzebuub has emphasized the importance of separating what one knows from what one doesn't know more than once, and I'm trying to practice that. There's a lot I don't know, some things I think may be true because of what I've experienced, and some things I have experienced. I try to draw a clear line between all of those. This seems to have served me pretty well. It sometimes leaves me feeling a bit lost or out of place among others who seem to know more (or perhaps have more faith), but that's OK; it's just the way I do things, and future experience will undoubtedly lead me to rethink and revise my approach.
Conclusion (follow me on Twitter)
So to sum this up, I still search because I know I still have to. I haven't gone into enough depth with what I'm doing right now to consider doing something else, and nothing in my experience of things suggests that I should. Dabbling in spiritual philosophies is common these days, but to me it makes more sense that one needs to put in the time - properly - before one can move on to the next thing, if the first thing doesn't work. Otherwise, it's just dabbling, whatever the justifications may be.
There you have it...it's an interesting start to this blog, to say the least. I don't expect other entries to be about the whole cult thing. I'm not sure what they'll be yet...so stay tuned and follow me on Twitter (@kkaland) to keep up-to-date.
