This lovely fragrance embodies a kind, thoughtful nature by combining playful petals with sweet sandalwood and a dash of optimism, with notes of soft rose petals, sandalwood dreams, and sparkling fairy dust.
What if we were two sides of the same coin. What if i lived in your shadow all my life but found comfort in the darkness and dont know what to do once youre gone. What if youre the only person who understands. What if you have have no idea what i went through. What if we went through the same traumas but ended up with oposite conclusions about our suffering. What if i dont recognize you anymore. What if i see the ghost of my former self reflected through your eyes. What if it never had to go this way. What if this was the only way things were ever going to go
looking at you with huge eyes about FAW (guy who loves major character death)
BEHOLD: THE ENTIRE PLOT OF FIRE AT WILL
(under a cut because this'll be long and there are probably going to be people who want to experience it organically; i just don't know how long the fic will take considering my current pace. this is skimmed over so there will be actual surprises in the fic itself though!
cw for VERY INTENSE emotional abuse and one isolated instance of physical abuse, gaslighting, descriptions of gore that arent super graphic but are still there, major character death, bombing, suicide attempts and ideation, violence, murder, just very dark story i promise its not just edgy for the sake of it though, its probably comparable to like caged lungs)
okay, so, starting off where i left off with chapter 3 (i will not be marking where chapters start and end after this, it's prone to being shifted around anyway) leo and donnie are officially out of the medbay, and they begin taking shifts trying to deal with shredder. leo goes with raph and mikey with donnie for a while. this doesn't improve leo and raph's strained relationship, and only worsens it actually. leo is still giving raph the silent treatment and raph is still stressed, underslept and argumentative.
april is okay. she just had to evacuate the city and spent a LOT of time sick and exhausted, which is why she hasn't been calling. she's only really gotten to talk to mikey and donnie, raph is being vague and leo isn't answering his phone at all. donnie gets to briefly confide in her, and then gets caught by something else and promises to call her back.
to find the key, i know they strike a deal with big mama for this; it's absolutely imperative this happens due to a later event in the story. they sneak around to do it, and do it before raph and splinter go back to try again (which will cause future issues). leo has a panic attack at the sound of the nexus, so donnie has to go in on his own.
big mama knows about the key because she does still want the shredder as a champion. and because of that, when she hears they're going to seal him with it, she wants the key. the exact specifics of this deal are fucking with me and it's kind of the corner i've written myself into, but donnie isn't like leo, it's clumsy but it's kind of his only option.
she points him to the museum where they sneak in, and get it. sometime when they're sneaking in or out or doing it, april calls. donnie does really try to talk to her and fill her in on the situation, but leo is staring at him so intently the whole time he feels uncomfortable and has to stop. he just doesn't like the idea of getting anyone in on this, what if she sides with raph, you know?
anyways. using donnie's tracker, they get to plan ahead to the observatory, where the foot use it in canon. but i would like to clarify before all of this that donnie is experiencing real positive character development when he is away from leo. he's going to bond with mikey further and him and raph will mutually confide in each other. he is progressing and leo is regressing. he's being snippy and kind of shitty and manipulative, kind of keeping donnie too close but also not expecting him to "get it".
this all culminates in what happens at the observatory. it goes without a hitch, until leo's cornered. shredder breaks his sword (THIS IS IMPORTANT), donnie rushes towards him, leaps in front of him, and unlocks his ninpo to shield him. for a moment, leo looks up at his long mask tails billowing behind him, holding a shield, and sees raph. this ends up causing every horror ever in the future.
and then raph interrupts. big mama mentioned they'd already come to her when raph and splinter went to her, and they worked backwards from there and learned they were seeking to use the kraang portal; and raph is terrified when splinter explains to him what the kraang are. leo is completely stunlocked but donnie's working on autopilot. he throws the shredder into the portal before the kraang can surface, successfully sealing them.
raph isn't pleased. they get home and raph and leo have a HUGE argument. this only tears them further apart, and they say some nasty shit. leo even alludes to killing himself to get raph off his back. he's really only interrupted by splinter butting in-- he wasn't there at the observatory (the fact that he's limping and overworked might be related, but. well.) and leo is FURIOUS because it feels like splinter's only stepping in when he does something wrong. he storms off and out of the lair. raph is scared because of whole suicide threat, and he asks donnie to go after him.
donnie finds him at the docks. leo quietly asks him if he knows what it's like, to feel like you're about to die? and donnie looks down at the remains of his destroyed tech, in the exact spot where he'd stared death in the face himself, and he says no. not like you do.
leo's still desperate to please, at this point. he really only wanted to make things right. he's upset succeeding didn't seem to change much of anything. he's upset that he's angry and he cant seem to stop it. so he turns his sights towards catching draxum, because that's something to do to make things right. he only really trusts donnie to help him.
he tells donnie that he likes his mask tails long. it makes them look similar, right? so donnie keeps them.
so. people start coming back into nyc, donnie and leo set their sights towards draxum. they go down into the hidden city and speak to the council of heads themselves, and leo manages to swindle them into leading a whole investigation on their own, because they're the ones who beat them. he's more like himself at this point. they get assigned the mercenaries (trash can and toaster boy... remember them) as extra muscle to help them along, because they are still trying to absolve themselves here. for the sake of symbolism, the mercenaries are brothers, btw.
anyways. they do not get along with them. a lot of this is probably going to be more lighthearted at the beginning for that tonal whiplash, but it culminates in like. a fight. probably a dumb one! they bicker. and then they physically fight.
and here's the problem. donnie hasn't trained his ninpo. he has no idea how to use it, knows no one who has experience with it, and he's the one that has to make leo's weapons because he's out of swords. it's volatile, and it's extremely powerful.
he directs it towards his opponents, just trying to make a regular weapon of some kind, and it explodes in just a huge beam of energy. leo manages to jump out of the way, but it hits one of the mercenaries dead in the face, and grazes the other's side.
the first mercenary (trash can hehe) is dead on impact. his head is blown open. the second collapses, but is alive. donnie and leo stare in complete horror as the bodies hit the ground.
what the fuck are they going to do? (here's where the breaking bad inspiration comes in, actually, heehee... you may know where this is going if you've seen it....)
so. they are terrified. they just have to drag the two bodies into a warehouse out on the edges of the hidden city (by the mushroom forest i think, its on the map somewhere im not making it up) and try to figure out what to do. donnie briefly goes home and just grabs a bunch of supplies, everything he can think of instead of an actual weapon lmao (really bad torturer great going dude) and him and leo just kind of bicker with each other and shout for a while before the living mercenary begins to wake up, and they panic.
they just kind of tie him to a chair somewhere. donnie's really the only one who insists on being humane, being the one to patch him up and try to feed him (he does talk to him too, one conversation, but i will not go into it... treat for the fic). leo's too panicked to have that on his mind, and he's lowkey leaning on donnie as his idea man because he's trying to see raph in him where raph is not there. because like, if they let him go, he'll probably turn them in. they killed someone, like point blank. that's jail time. they will be wanted criminals.
and right now, leo is avoidant above all else. their only real option would be to just... kill the second guy, right? and when he comes to this conclusion donnie is despondent. he's already so traumatized after having to drag a corpse across the hidden city, after watching his brains splatter against the floor, after everything, that he completely panics and shuts down.
leo holds him and apologizes for putting so much of this on him. he helps him lay down on their makeshift sleeping bag and just kind of sits there for a long time, contending with what he has to do. donnie is completely unresponsive and catatonic.
leo grabs the closest thing to a weapon that he has; a blunt, useless kitchen knife. he's crying hard, but his face is hardened in resolve. it's been likely over 24 hours of them mulling over this. they don't have any other choice.
he turns, and he leaves.
donnie wakes the next morning. he's still shaken, but he's actually in his right mind. he calls leo's name, and gets no response. he steps out into the warehouse, and the mercenaries aren't there. it's been wiped down of any blood, like they were never there at all.
he steps outside and leo's sat there, facing the forest. there's blood and dirt under his nails; he did not have a shovel, he dug two graves with his bare, bloodied hands. he doesn't tell donnie what he did, but donnie knows. he just kind of sits down next to him and holds him. leo's been pretty resistant to touch up to this point, but he accepts it now.
everything changes from that point on. i do think they still go after draxum because it's kind of the thing keeping them tethered to their own sanity, but leo isn't the same person. this really just sends him into a manic episode. he takes up smoking. he acts increasingly more weird and volatile. he gets nastier and nastier. he clings to donnie even harder, insisting he's the only one that "gets it", but he doesn't get it enough to assume anything about him, definitely not.
slowly their family life falls apart even further. leo and raph aren't reconciling, even though raph is trying. leo disappears from the lair, sometimes he goes places donnie can't even find him. mikey is the only person donnie has, because april isn't back yet (like i love her but i need to keep her from donnie for the Plot), and then. that really all comes crashing down.
leo and mikey are not getting along, because mikey does want to keep everyone together. it's what he's been doing the whole time, and he doesn't know why leo is acting self destructive and he's correctly identifying that he's kind of the source of the problem.
they have a huge fight, although offscreen, and then leo runs off. he comes home with a black eye that he only lets donnie see. and when donnie asks, he tells him mikey gave it to him.
donnie is astounded. he tries to call bullshit on it, but leo is desperate, like he's testing him almost-- why would he ever lie about this? after everything that's happened, WHY would he lie? why doesn't donnie trust him? and there's this manic edge to how he's acting, like he's doing it just because he thinks he can. and donnie gives in, and believes him, and hates himself for ever questioning him.
mikey comes to donnie that night, in tears, because he feels so so guilty for being so mean to leo. he tries to open up about it.
donnie pushes him away, and doesn't tell him why.
there's some stuff in between this, but this all culminates in the reveal that mikey is housing draxum. leo FLIPS HIS SHIT. and either because of some factors before this, this is when the murder they committed is revealed. raph is horrified, because that's too far, he can't support that, and leo is heartbroken by his reaction. so in a furious rage, he just starts. going off about what he did. he gutted that man from neck to stomach like a fish. and he screamed as leo tortured him to death, and leo kept going because he had to. and he'd do it again, he liked it, etc etc. he's testing raph's ability to love him, proving to himself that raph's hated him the whole time. and just like he wants, raph turns his back on him.
leo's anger dissolves into tears. he leaves, and drags donnie with him.
he's not in his right mind. he's in hysterics. donnie holds him and tells him he'll stay, even though he's so horrified himself. he asks him if he meant what he said, if he actually did that, and leo doesn't answer him.
they go to hueso's apartment (he has one in nyc instead of the hidden city, i have some lore around this but i wont go into it) for the night. leo is completely silent, exhausted. he collapses on a mattress hueso pulls out for him and immediately falls asleep. hueso expresses worry, not knowing the full context of the situation. he mentions that leo had gotten into a fistfight a few days ago at his restaurant, and donnie's too haggard and traumatized to put the pieces together.
they have a talk. donnie tries to open up, but he doesn't know how to. hueso talks about his experiences with piel manipulating him into crime, and like an idiot who's in denial, donnie's first impulse is to internally compare that to raph, who called after him when he left.
he sleeps on the mattress with his back to leo. leo hasn't shown him his burnt shell once, but donnie's stopped wearing his battle shell by leo's insistence. he thinks about pulling up his trenchcoat to see it, but he doesn't. raph texts him, a last desperate attempt to get him to come home. he tells him that he's scared for him, he barely knows what's going on, he doesn't know what leo will DO to him. they can figure this out if he just comes home. and thinking of hueso's words, donnie blocks him.
leo wakes him up the next morning. the hidden city police are at hueso's door, asking him about them. hueso's buying them time to escape through the back window, so they do. they make the observatory their hideout, since it's pretty far away from everything. really their only goal from now on is survival.
it's probably a good time to go into donnie's mindset a bit here; he doesn't want to be here, at all, but he's convinced himself he's really the only person leo has. it'd be cruel of him to leave. leo's successfully backed him into a corner. and he will put the sword in leo's hands over and over again with his ninpo (HE IS STILL DOING THIS), but he won't get involved himself, not in the bad things he ends up doing. he is a victim, but he's complicit. he always turns a blind eye to everything, and allows it to happen. this'll be pretty relevant.
this part of the plot is pretty muddy currently… they might have at least one confrontation with the cops, i'm not sure yet. there's some blank space in between here and. the next thing.
so, eventually. splinter finally comes after them. this is all his fault, but leo has done something irreconcilably awful, and he needs to be detained. and splinter is going on raph's behalf, because despite everything, raph loves leo, he wants to justify it, he didn't want this to happen. he can't face him and hurt him and turn him in. so splinter will do it for his little boy.
(and splinter will not come home.)
leo is, both justifiably and not, furious with his dad for what he did. he wants to be nothing like him anymore. so when splinter challenges him, he fights back. donnie puts the sword in his hand, and doesn't get involved (honestly a big reason is that he doesn't do well with violence after the whole situation with the mercenaries. he struggles to use his ninpo offensively himself).
it goes awry when leo just gets one well-timed hit in, and splinter goes down. and he's surprised he's even able to do that, because he DOES see his dad as almost infallible, there's so much hero worship buried under all of the hurt and mania. and that turns into what's almost murderous glee. the prospect of being able to hurt someone so much higher than him. and he convinces himself that taking him down is the only thing he can do.
so he looks to donnie, and tenderly tells him not to look, holding one of donnie's constructs in his hands. donnie covers his eyes like a little kid, and doesn't watch the blade drop. but he hears it.
leo blames raph for this. for all of it. for everything. he hates and hates and hates. he can't think straight. if raph had come after him, this never would have happened, right? and he's getting increasingly more weird and offputting, and donnie just kind of quietly enables it, not really sure how to rationalize it away. he's a shell of his former self at this point, mostly just allowing it without protest. he's convinced himself that this is what he deserves, all for killing the first mercenary. he's a bad person that deserves to die.
(and it's good to mention that leo is very much projecting the image of raph onto donnie here, and taking it out on him. donnie lets leo hold him and never speaks of it, but he kind of knows. at least he's useful.)
there is one last confrontation with raph, mikey and april here. and this is relevant for two reasons;
one, because donnie is cornered by april and mikey, for just one moment (it's the only one he gets alone without leo), where april tells him that this doesn't have to be it, how does he not know leo's just going to throw him out the moment he isn't useful anymore, and treat him like he's disposable? and donnie just tells her that he'd deserve that anyway and he's broken (implanting the idea that he's a victim here in mikey's head especially, mikey comes out of this thinking donnie has done nothing wrong and leo is evil, he HATES leo and sees him as a monster to rationalize everything that's happened). but this does plant a little seedling of doubt in donnie's mind, and that'll cause some fucked up shit to happen.
and two; because this is the moment where raph realizes that it's gone too far, and leo needs to be stopped. he can't keep hiding from it anymore. and it's also the point where leo goes from defensive to the point of murder to like. "donnie you need to build a BOMB" extreme. going into this next
leo is Not mentally well at this point. killing the mercenary sent him into a manic episode, and donnie being so passive to everything means he can just kind of. do anything, and there's not really a barrier between what he SHOULD do and what he CAN do (he definitely wouldnt be so bad if he didnt have this tool at his disposal). and there is a line of logic here, like he wants to destroy everything raph values so much. there's been a slow downwards spiral into the point of destructive hate because he just feels so hurt. if raph cares about this city (what's right) more than him, then he'll burn it to the fucking ground. Okay donnie hit the second tower
so, yeah. okay. donnie is building a bomb. and this is DEFINITELY too far for him, but there is a reason he goes along with this; because he wants to die, because he thinks death is his only escape. if he dies in the explosion he causes, he'll never have to see the fallout, he'll finally be free. this is his suicide attempt. he hopes to not hurt any of his family in the process, but not enough to stop. he's just so tired.
but in the meantime, there's one more thing leo needs to do. he asks donnie if he has the key, and when donnie says yes, he's elated. he wants to go to big mama, to get his sword back. and if she wants the key so badly, he'll give it to her.
and it's the big triumphant moment where everything goes right for him, and it's when he's at his absolute worst. like he's still an edgy teenager at the end of the day (CRUCIAL context for his aura) but he really just feels like he has nothing left to lose. he gets his sword back. and he opens the portal where the kraang and shredder are waiting, and throws big mama into it.
donnie looks away, and feels nothing.
she is saved btw. the others drag her out, but her fate is going to be ambiguous. but leo does drop his plan to her, just to fuck with her, and she gets to recite it to them. it's her moment of redemption kind of. it's the only reason they know what he's doing.
leo and donnie head back to the observatory, in a portal for the first time in weeks. and leo's panting, so overjoyed for one long moment, and then the fight drains out of him. he tells donnie to leave.
leo tells him that he's a bad person, that he's only hurting him, and that if donnie goes back to raph, he'll be treated better, no doubt. he should just kill leo here and stop all of this. and it's hard to even know if leo means it, but donnie actually gets defensive, insists that he WANTS to stay (he doesn't), that leo isn't a bad person (he is), that he'll go through with this for him, at least they're in the deep end together (he hates it, he just wants it to stop).
leo tries to end the argument and leave. donnie grabs his wrist. leo whirls around and slaps him. before he can think about it, donnie punches him, hard enough for leo to crumple to the floor. and he looks down at leo and thinks-- god, he's just like mikey, isn't he? is he the abuser here? he's just hurting him like everyone else.
he crumples to the floor himself, voluntarily. leo rises to his feet and stands over him, as donnie descends into a panic attack, as everything comes crashing down on him -- everything he enabled, everything he heard. and his panic grows and grows and grows and grows until his ninpo finally bursts, and the city beyond the observatory just goes black. like, all of it.
people start freaking out out there, and leo seizes the opportunity to lay out his plan.
this part is still a little undeveloped until the end of it, but it's the big climax. the city is rioting. donnie has possession of the bomb (it is notably very small, like pocket-sized. he has a remote that they know about, but they assume it's bigger. there's a reaaason for this), and he plans to use it. leo has his portals, and it makes him feel more disposable than ever, but it also gives the others an opening. raph eventually does find him, knowing what he's doing, and tries to talk him down.
donnie's terrified to be alone with raph. he starts waving the remote around and trying to posture, shouting that he's going to kill them both, he's going to kill himself, raph just needs to get away, if he comes any closer-- and raph just walks towards him with pity on his face, until he's right up in front of him, and he pulls donnie into his arms.
and donnie's so broken at this point, that he just goes limp, like he's never been held before. raph holds him tight, squeezing him hard. but then he just keeps squeezing, harder and harder, until donnie's ribs are creaking under the strain. he doesn't fight back, just confused and hurt. he drops the remote, and that's when raph calls mikey to jump into the fray, and destroy it.
and that's when leo enters the scene. he pretty much goes ballistic on raph. it's their big fight, a culmination of everything, really, and leo is moving with the intent to KILL. raph is still trying to go easy on him despite everything, even though he knows it's wrong, because he feels like this is all his fault. donnie collapses when raph lets go of him, and mikey tries to support him, but donnie's so shaken by raph manipulating him that he pulls away.
and at the very end of the fight, leo has raph pinned down with the intent to kill, and THAT'S when mikey finally steps in -- he unlocks his ninpo in that moment, wrapping chains around leo's sword and pulling it out of his hands, protecting raph just like donnie had protected leo all that time ago, and he shouts at leo to GET AWAY FROM HIS BROTHER. because leo isn't that to him anymore.
and leo is stunned for just a moment, allowing raph to push him away. and then april fucking hits him with the turtle tank (GO QUEEN!!!), and he's basically defeated now. and in the brief second in between the fight and what happens next, everyone turns to donnie. and everyone kind of just runs at him all at once, clambering over each other because they all want to get to him first. but leo's just a little faster, and he grabs his wrist and grabs his sword and portals them out of there.
leo doesn't know donnie still has the bomb on him anymore, mind you, even if the remote is gone. he portals them in small distances before they finally end up on the hudson bridge, and his swords just aren't working anymore. he's growing more and more desperate, and donnie speaks up, asking what's going on, what are they doing? and leo tells him that THEY'RE leaving for good, they're getting the fuck out of new york. and that's what makes donnie realize that he doesn't WANT to. so he fights back, pulls away from him and tries to tell him he can't do this anymore, at the last possible second. leo reacts like donnie's committing the ultimate betrayal against him, like he couldn't even fathom donnie COULD leave him.
it's long enough that the others catch up to them. raph calls donnie's name. donnie turns around and calls back. and leo turns on him with his sword, and stabs him right in the back. (donnie isn't wearing a battle shell, remember?)
and. donnie will never know what leo felt doing it, where his mind was, what his intentions were. because he's so terrified and panicked that his ninpo sparks right before he can turn around to see, and the bomb goes off in his pocket.
both of them get blown up. the bridge goes down. donnie hits the water, and in that moment, is so convinced that this is it, this is what he wanted. he's going to die. but without thinking, raph dives in right after him. donnie passes out right before raph drags him out of the water, screaming for mikey to get draxum.
raph searches and searches the river for days, but he doesn't find leo's body. but he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's dead. it's most likely that he died on impact.
donnie loses an eye and an arm (i only know for certain that the arm has to be the opposite side of f!leo's… losing his other half heehee). draxum nurses him back to health, and finally he's back with his family. but he's not the same, he's not himself anymore. he grieves leo and no one understands. he's convinced he was supposed to die.
mikey is so desperate to go back to before with donnie, to convince himself that leo was just an unfeeling monster that drove them apart. and raph treats him as a projection of the guilt he feels over leo and his death, because that's who he feels so responsible for, and cant let go of. and pretty much everyone treats him like he's dangerous while they do it, even though they know he was a victim.
(and eventually, there is a moment where donnie looks in the mirror, realizes that leo looked at him and saw raph, and that raph is looking at him and only sees leo, and he has lost sight of himself and who he is. and he finally, finally cuts his mask tails back to their normal length. not because he knows what he wants to be, but because it's too much. he just can't take it anymore)
the new normal is worse. donnie never moves on.
at one point, he finds himself drifting back towards the river. i do plan to use a lot of ocean metaphors even before the point of the bridge so this is a symbolic thing-- he just kind of walks in and tries to keep walking until it swallows him whole. he's not in his right mind at all. and raph just finds him doing it, and carefully picks him up and carries him back to shore. he knows what donnie was doing, but he doesn't know how to start with it, doesn't know how to help him. they can't get therapy because they're housing a criminal. the hidden city needs to believe he is dead.
it takes weeks or months of misery before it's too much, and he finally snaps, and has a manic episode of his own. suddenly he feels lighter than ever before, like he can do anything. and he wants to feel like before, when everything was okay, when he felt in control of himself, when he felt strong. and he knows just how to do it.
he takes the key. he goes to the observatory, the place he reclaimed himself for the first time in, and the place where he hid out with leo. and he opens the portal, because it's the only way he knows how to feel close to it again. and he turns around and sees his family there, and a boy in blue that he's never seen before, who's looking at him like he's known him for all his life. they're not calling for him to stop, just staring at him in horror.
he finally feels in control. for the first time in months, he smiles.
☆ "can you make sure the red ones and the blue ones aren't touching, no no you don't get it, if they touch i'm pretty sure something bad is going to happen. DUDE NO I'M SERIOUS. FUCK! I'LL DO IT!! FUCK!!" < Donnie
as a writer, it’s very important that you know this: whenever you tell yourself “this will only be one-chapter-long” that is a lie. your brain is lying to you. it won’t, in fact, be just a short one-shot
nothing throws me off more than people who depict leo as conflict avoidant... that guy is addicted to conflict. its like his favorite thing. professional shit stirrer. he is just communication avoidant which is a completely separate problem that also makes the conflict addiction problem worse
tbh i dont even think any of them are like, very reserved and conflict-avoidant at all, its all situational. raph cares a lot abt social niceties and will lie to protect people's feelings but he also whacks and tosses his brothers around and shouts at them and is really easy to draw into arguments, especially with leo who provokes him on purpose. donnie is pretty reserved and kind of a doormat sometimes but he's also Extremely passive aggressive and loves to complain about things even if he wont meaningfully challenge them. mikey does think of himself as a nice person and tries very hard to be kind and inclusive and accepting but he can get really aggressive when he feels like he's being disrespected or not listened to. all of these guys have friction with each other and their roles are more blurred than you'd think. thats what i like about them
donnie, who grew up more reserved than his brothers. he'd always been close with them, and always cared so much, but he didn't speak for years, because he didn't want to. in his mind, he never really understood it. speaking would mean participating, understanding, and he didn't really want to. they'd offer to play with him. he'd refuse, because he was the type of kid who always wanted to stay close to his dad. he wanted to sit and watch.
donnie, who grew a little older, and with his voice came a tidal wave of emotion. he'd cry when they hit him too hard, scramble after them when they tried to play. he'd always come in last place. he'd sit at the table and refuse to eat, he'd always be told to not let his emotions get the best of him. he'd hide behind raph when he could, fumble his way through sports and the lair games and sparring. he didn't understand why his brothers thought he was somehow above them for not wanting to play along half of the time, even when he tried and tried. so he forced himself, even as it made him feel weaker than ever before.
donnie, who wanted to be lou jitsu more than anything, because that was who he knew he should be. but in the days where he curled up watching movies with his dad, he'd sometimes watch movies about knights and dragons and princesses and think, a princess could be delicate and be celebrated for it. she could be above it and never be shamed. she could be sensitive and be saved without feeling ashamed. it wasn't the helplessness he desired, it was the respect and understanding, for being that kind of person. and he'd think, why can't that be what i was supposed to be, instead of this?
donnie, who hurt his shell, and watched his brothers' mockery turn to worry, and then to pity, and then to resentment. he knew how they whispered behind his back, about how sensitive he was -- he has such a soft shell, it's so easy to hurt his feelings, he never lets anything go, he doesn't care about anything they do, how are they supposed to get him? and their words aren't even meant to be mean. frustrated, maybe, but they also came from a place of despair, in their inability to understand. and all it managed to do was make him clench his fists, and force himself to assimilate. to hide himself behind armor, to make his shell bigger. and with it came his desperation to hide away his soft, delicate core. he'd never be respected for his sensitivity, because that's not what he was made for. and when he watches mikey try to dig deeper into him, he can tell that mikey only does it sometimes to feel like a better person, to use him as a stepping stone to assert his own independence, and it frustrates him. because it only proves his differences. pity isn't respect. no amount of brilliance or intelligence will make up for that inherent difference, no matter how much he flaunts it. nobody is coming to save him from the tower he's been locked in.
donnie, who wakes up every day with no weight on his shoulders, and makes the choice every time he rises out of bed, to put that pressure back on his spine, to let the metal chafe his skin. he wears it under his hoodies built for people with bigger shells, and he wears it when he's laughing with them, when he's playing with them, when he's one of them. and his shell will always be different, look different. they'll always look at it and immediately know it's metal, and they'll know what's under it, but that's not the part that truly matters to him. it's that he can wear it on his back and feel just a little closer to them. he can be free and forget, even if it strains him, even when they sigh in frustration because they don't understand what he's so upset about, half the time, or why it's such a big deal.
and all he's doing is trying to hide the truth; that his shell is soft, where theirs are hard. that he is sensitive, where they are strong. that he has to fight an uphill battle, for the things that come effortlessly to them.
that they are boys, undeniably, and she --
isn't.
and maybe she never has been. but it's what he has to be.
often i see people saying that donnie has a glaring spot for mikey in rise, which is true. but real b team understanders should know that mikey ALSO has a glaring soft spot for donnie specifically. like it goes both ways. that's his guy
i feel like people often dont confront the fact that mikey is occasionally blunt and callous as fuck. meaner than donnie sometimes, even. but he is very rarely, if at all, mean like that with donnie
donnie is one of those people who'd go "sigh..... SIGH......" really loudly to get your attention and when you ask him what's wrong he'd go "i dont want to TALK about it" even though he literally just loudly made it known that he's upset. like what was that for then
gracieabrams
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
tangentwithtanner
