My Secret Ramblings

the things I want to share but am scared for people to know

[1000drawings]

by Valeriya  Korenkova

[pinwheelbunny]

Fishies

[lsleofskye]

Pixie Dust

[polynotes]

Imagine a few situations: - Your partner is out on a date and you feel lonely. - Your partner slept with someone else and you feel unattractive. - Your partner is busy and you feel neglected. How can you handle this? (And other times, more broadly, when what you want from a relationship is at odds with what you’re getting!) 1. You can address the circumstances - Find someone else to hang out with, have sex with, or get attention from. 2. You can address the feelings - Journal, exercise, meditate, process, talk, get therapy, whatever works for you. 3. You can ask your partner to address the circumstances - Make dates while you’re busy, pay more attention to you, or have sex with you. 4. You can ask your partner to address the feelings - Check in or reassure you. I think good partners make reasonable efforts for each other, but that doesn’t mean they should do anything they’re asked. And you can work on changing how you feel about things, but that doesn’t mean you can just decide to feel totally differently. So sometimes you want something from a relationship, and you can’t get it, and the relationship doesn’t work. But that still doesn’t mean either one of you did something wrong.

[polynotes]

I got an ask recently about practical tips to deal with jealousy. This is a big part of my answer. About jealousy in particular, though, I’ll add this: It sometimes takes some digging to figure out what exactly you’re feeling jealous about. I find it useful to distinguish between envy (I want what you have) and jealousy (I’m scared what I have will be taken away). It’s really important to deal with your own sense of worth and security.

[the-wet-coast]

Some good things to remember -T

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

How to Cope with Jealous Feelings

1. Understand what jealousy is. It’s a mixture of fear and anger – usually the fear of losing someone who’s important to you, and anger at the person who is “taking over”. Recognise that it’s a destructive and negative emotion - and often nothing good comes out of it.

2. Try and figure out why you’re feeling jealous. Is it related to some past failure that is undermining your ability to trust? Are you feeling anxious and insecure? Do you suffer from low self-esteem, or fear of abandonment?

3. Be honest with yourself about how your jealousy affects other people. Do friends or partners always have to justify their actions and thoughts, or always report on where they were, or who they were with? That kind of pressure is destructive in the end, and puts a strain on relationships.

4. Find the courage to tackle your feelings. Decide to question your jealousy every time it surfaces. That will enable you to take positive steps to manage your feelings in a healthier and more constructive way. Some possible questionsto ask yourself include: “Why am I jealous about this?”; “What exactly is making me feel jealous?”; “What or who am I afraid of losing?”; “Why do I feel so threatened?”

5. Work on changing any false beliefs that might be fueling your jealousy. Start this process by identifying the underlying belief, for example “If X leaves me, then I won’t have any friends”; “If Y doesn’t love me then no-one will ever want or love me”. Understand, that beliefs are often false – and that they can be changed through choice. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel.

6. Learn from your jealousy. Jealousy can help understand ourselves better – and teach us important lessons. For example, it’s natural to feel frightened when a relationship is new, and you don’t yet feel secure. This is normal and commonplace! Also, some people DO have a roving eye, and they may lack commitment in the longer term. Better you know that now, than later on.

7. Work on accepting and trusting yourself. That makes it easier to trust others, too, and lessens our tendency to feel jealous of others.

[secretesp]

I love the giddy feeling of NRE. Smiling like a fool and blushing everytime he compliments. 

Tim and I started playing two weeks ago. And after a good impact scene we got to cuddling and talking. And after what I would consider 3 dates I was starting to really enjoy his company and apparently the feeling was mutual. He expressed that he liked me. And then told me how he would like to sleep with me. I am not ready yet and even if I was the STI plays a factor. Even though it should be gone I am not risking it until I am 100% positive. Also I am a little scared. This is the first romantic interest that I actually have this much in common with. We can talk about art and he want to here about my classes and I can actually have engaging conversations with him about it. I am scared that Dan will say no. Or that I’ll do to dan what I did to Ethan. Replace him. Which is not what I wanted to do. And not what I want to do now.

[secretesp]

I am not okay...

Things are falling apart all around me and I just sit here woundering what I have done so wrong. I feel like I have ruined everything and I do not understand. David is done with me. Boyfriend just came here to yell at me for getting an sti. And puppy is sad and neglected again. I do not know what I am supposed to do. I am ruining everything. I am so scared and so broken. I hurt so much. 

[secretesp]

Tired

I am tired of making excuses I am tired of taking the blame I am tired of being afraid to say what I think I am tired of feeling less I am tired of being less I am tired of being stressed I am tired of being second choice I am tired of having to defend my choices I am tired of having to explain my life I am tired of being judged I am tired of being treated like less of a person I am tired of watching the bridges burn I am tired of feeling lost I am tired of feeling alone I am tired of being anxious I am tired of being scared of stepping on toes I am tired of walking on egg shells I am tired of feeling unwelcome I am tired of being lied to I am tired of having to care more about others feeling then my own I am tired of being ashamed I am tired of being proper I am tired of being confused I am tired of not understanding what I did wrong I am tired of thinking I did anything wrong I am tired of hiding my voice I am tired of lying I am tired of being lied to I am tired of losing family I am tired of getting attached I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I am tired of being told others have it worse I am tired of being told I am privileged I am tired of having to defend my friends I am tired of drama I am tired of this high school bs I am tired of life I am just tired.

[secretesp]

Sometimes I wonder why I am even here? If I just disappeared would it even matter. Egg has all their friends, The boy barely cares if I exist, Des has a line of girls, and Dan has K. I am of no importance. I hate how I feel like this. I hate how useless and insecure I am. But I feel that way anyway.

[secretesp]

Why must I feel like this? 

[ribghoul]

team “i know you’re joking but my anxiety doesn’t”

[polythought]

I don’t want unconditional love.

I want love that’s conditional on being good to one another, and good to other people, and being happier together than we would be apart.

I want love where everyone has healthy boundaries.

I want love where we call each other out if we’re being jerks.

I want love where we give and receive those call-outs compassionately and humbly.

I want love where we bring out the best in each other. 

I want love where we know we can change our relationship if we aren’t bringing out the best in each other – whether that means restructuring our relationship, or ending it. 

This isn’t a defeatist attitude. I don’t expect my relationships to end – but I need to know that my partners won’t put up with absolutely anything from me, and I need them to know that I won’t put up with absolutely anything from them. The only way I can be confident in that is knowing that we’re all willing to walk away if it comes down to it. That doesn’t mean it will necessarily ever happen, but it’s the way, paradoxically, I can feel most confident about my relationships. We’re together because we are good to each other, right now, as we were yesterday, and as we plan to be tomorrow.

I don’t want unconditional love. I want robust love with reasonable conditions.

[morbidly-queerious]

I honestly need this. After so many years being told that I had to put up with how I was treated because no one else could possibly love me, it is the most important thing in the world to me that my partners establish early on that they’re not going to put up with me being unhealthy or cruel or engaging in abusive actions with them. That way, I know that when they forgive me, they’re doing it because I made things right. I know that if they tell me I didn’t do anything wrong while setting a boundary or having a crisis, they’re not just lying because they’re scared of my reaction. I know that when they tell me they love me, they mean the real me and all the places I’m still working on, not just the idea of me that I can never live up to.

I’ve worked really hard, and so have my partners, to build healthy relationships, and it matters a lot to know that we succeeded.

[polythought]

Yeah!

[washingtonpost]

Women hear it all the time from men. “You’re overreacting,” we tell them. “Don’t worry about it so much, you’re over-thinking it.” “Don’t be so sensitive.” “Don’t be crazy.” It’s a form of gaslighting — telling women that their feelings are just wrong, that they don’t have the right to feel the way that they do. Minimizing somebody else’s feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they’re supposed to feel.

Men really need to stop calling women crazy. (via washingtonpost)

[marsnotebook]

i’m sick over it. when i see a woman touch you… when she hugs you, looks you in the eyes, when she makes you laugh, when she gets to spend her days with you, she wakes up with you next to her, when she cooks for you, cares for you, listens to you, loves and holds you, my insides are breaking down now, my eyes are heavy and i want to disappear, my mouth turns into a frown, because i will never have what they have, i will never get to love you, do you know how much it hurts? do you know the weight that sits upon my chest?

[secretesp]

That moment when you realize you have no one when your hurting. I mean there's egg which is good. But all those other people that are supposed to be my friends and instead I sit here wanting the only person who can make me feel better but he is with his girlfriend. And she is more important than me. Whether he sees it or not. Whether he admits it or not. She will always come first. And it hurts. I do not come first in anyone's life and that's my fault. I was scared. And now I'm alone. And it's all my fault.

[secretesp]

Figured out my main problem with poly. What do you do Whalen your falling apart but it's not your time.

[secretesp]

I don't think there has ever been a time when he hasn't texted me before noon.