Mono Chooses Poly

Practical advice/rambling from a mono who chooses to love a poly

[monochoosespoly]

The organic flow/growth of relationships

What does that mean to you? Is there a natural way to grow a relationship without some intervention planning?

[tamper]

[monochoosespoly]

Stop waiting. Make your own plans.

[sweephimoffhisfeet]

Reblog and follow please!

[thegingerpowers]

Bringing the big bottle of white out.

[monochoosespoly]

Hi, I need...

-Sorry. a, b, and c needed that as well and I’m all out. 

Okay, well...then can I... 

-Sorry. All out of that as well. 

Then how about...

-Sorry, can’t...but if you need anything, let me know. 

[monochoosespoly]

“Why I stopped MUSTerbating”

[monochoosespoly]

When you love someone you learn about what’s important to them and you do those things if at all possible.

[monochoosespoly]

I am not a gift, but I am a package

The time and support and love I give you is not a gift. It is who I am. The grief, and pain and frustration I give you is not a gift. It is who I am. I am however a package. You must accept all it’s parts or none. 

[monochoosespoly]

Things that make U/us work.

aka “what I’ve learned the hard way”

not playing the victim, my poly partner isn’t “doing” anything “to me”.

Letting go of the “if you would just…” and “if you loved me you would…” The pain/discomfort you feel is never an easy fix and we don’t control others actions.

Never use the words “always” or “never”…you may actually find out what those really mean and it’s not pretty.

Un communicated expectations or assumed behavior based on what I would do… is a relationship killer.

Therapy to figure out what I need vs. want, and to talk about my partner and O/our relationship INSTEAD of complaining to him. No one likes to be told they are “wrong” or “doing things wrong” or that they are a “bad person because they did/didn’t…” all the time. Realizing I shouldn’t complain to him about him…let it go somewhere else. Then have a logical conversation about what is really causing me/U/us pain.

His time is HIS TIME…as is mine. I don’t “deserve” any of it just because…

O/our relationship is ours, no one can replace me in his heart.

Patience has limits

Don’t try and control the relationship by boxing it in w/too many rules…the more you set the more chance of disappointment you’ll have. Talk about things, if you don’t agree then you have to find a middle ground or shift the relationship…and that sometimes means what role you play or even a parting of ways.

We agree to disagree on things - just because I’m submissive doesn’t mean I’m a doormat.

Enjoy the TIME I HAVE W/HIM NOW…don’t use what little time we get to “complain about not having enough time” … I will always want more time w/him. No matter what amount I actually have.

Love is not enough. Relationships are hard. No matter the dynamic.

I am monogamous…and that IS OKAY!

[monochoosespoly]

I’d like some insight from your experiences. I’m currently poly, with two partners i love very much. I’ll them X and Z. So Z is contemplating a break up, for reasons I understand and support, and knew coming in to the relationship a year and a half ago. X is my primary. I told X that i might want to be mono for a while, until my life calms down, because i don’t think i can handle poly. X told me they have to be poly. So i can be mono while he’s poly, or walk away from the person i want to marry

When you say “I’m currently poly” I don’t understand how you can then “be mono”. For me I’m a monogamous person, always. I am wired that way. My partner is wired for multiple partners (poly). Even if it were he and I for some reason (and all his other partners were somehow “gone”) He would be poly and I would be mono. 

If you feel unsettled right now, and don’t want to have multiple partners yourself, then don’t. However you can’t “control” who your partner see/loves/dates if they want to be poly. 

Perhaps more conversations with your primary about what’s going on in your life now and what you both need should be held? 

[monochoosespoly]

Where have you been? You don’t post as much as you used to.

Working 2 jobs. Motivation for social media in general low. Life is quiet right now. In a good way :)

[easingintome]

[ingridverse]

Do not punish the behaviour you want to see

I mean, it seems pretty obvious when you put it like that, right?

But how many families, when an introvert sibling or child makes an effort to socialize,  snarkily say, “So, you’ve decided to join us”?

Or when someone does something they’ve had trouble doing, say, “Why can’t you do that all the time?” (Happened to me, too often.)

Or any sentence containing the word “finally”. 

If someone makes a step, a small step, in a direction you want to encourage, encourage it. Don’t complain about how it’s not enough. Don’t bring up previous stuff. Encourage it.

Because I swear to fucking god there is nothing more soul-killing, more motivation-crushing, than struggling to succeed and finding out that success and failure are both punished.

[bymessy]

[aestheticcc-blog]

[monochoosespoly]

(2) same anon. I don’t want to walk away. I also don’t think i have the capacity to be poly currently, even though i want to be poly in the future again. It came as a shock to hear that X would not be willing to be mono while thinks calm down. What is it like being mono and being with a poly person? Do you have stories, advice? If you’re their primary partner, how do you handle knowing about the others? Does it affect other aspects of your lives? Thank you 💕

I recommend individual and or couple therapy to define each other’s needs vs wants. It helped me. Mono-poly isn’t for everyone and it’s okay to seek out a partner that is comparable with your wants. Jealously is tough and insecurities feed into jealousy. Work in your relationship w your partner and sometimes if that is secure, mono-poly can work. There are some other supports. Ask.