Snow day! You know what that means right, kids are home. Husband is home. The house is together in the home. It’s chaotic. it’s numbing. It’s happiness and sadness and craziness and it’s everything balled into one day. My husband tries he truly does, his attempt turns into me dealing with longer outcomes from worse implications while he finds the next thing to say he has accomplished something for the day. He needs a Pat on the back, he needs affirmative intel that he is appreciated and he is but the annoyance of having to remind him while he lacks even a simple conversation amongst ourselves baffles me. Lately I just want space and need time away, I need to figure out what I want and or need because I’m depressed. I love my kids, I appreciate everything life has to offer including the rain because it is the rainbow after that makes it worth it. But I’m sad, I’m lonely. I’ve spent a decade giving my life up to my three children and put myself on the back burner. I’ve worked I’ve stayed at home I’ve hustled and bustled and it amounted to no actual career. Ten years of life dedicated to anything but myself. I had moments of course. I met him, I married him, felt like he saved me. Gave me every once of belief I could be loved for me. He gave us some security and the comfort of love. A decade of is growing and it stopped. Years of love pain lies and fake promises and I got burnt out, was tired of the fire always burning. I hated hurting. I wanted you, I still do. Not all of me, but a part. But how can we fix something that is so broken? Maybe something that just can’t be fixed??
You became obsessive, controlling, neglectful and want a pat on the back because you know how to be different once or twice a week. You know exactly how to be, the man I thought I married you’ve become so much and maybe I was blinded by my own thoughts of you, maybe the loss of my father and the dramatic change of my life afterwards and learning to change alone and be alone, has taught me that this just isn’t okay that this isn’t enough for me anymore. What if this is….. done.
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
snowghoul
