Self-Indulgence and Verbosity

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

This is Piggie. He figured out that water goes down the drain, so therefore his urine must do the same.

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

Cats in hats. Piggy wearing a dinosaur hat, and Cyclops wearing a "Craig from South Park" hat.

[ninjabikeslut-deactivated201605]

"Facial-recognition technology is quickly becoming a mainstay of commercial and government surveillance systems. While it can provide benefits in automation and security, it is also a threat to privacy. Sophisticated algorithms can already extract information about your gender, age and even mood from a single image, and then link those physical attributes to commercial or government databases." -Face to Anti-Face

[dawn-of-the-crucifier]

The most cyberpunk post on this website, possibly ever. 

[ida-backwards-intherain]

For future reference.

[kat-jumps]

Everyone on tumblr LOOOOVESSS the government SO MUCH, but things like this, tutorials on how to protect yourself from it, are everywhere. Like, wake up people!

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

Well it's like, a computer might not be able to recognize a face covered in makeup and a weird hairstyle, but if this chick robbed a bank, the tellers would be like, "SHE HAD BLOND, BLUE, AND BLACK HAIR, AND A RECTANGLE ON HER CHEEK."

Ingenious!

[4gifs]

[trustmeihaveabaguette]

I was bored

so I thought I’d post some animal gifs.

wait I have more

one more

after this

okay thats it thxbyz

[arthistoryadvocate]

Genuine medieval manuscript in which a woman is harvesting a basket full of phalluses from a tree.

(From BnF MS Fr. 25526, a 14th-century copy of the Romance of the Rose)

Why?

It has been theorized that the phalluses were meant to symbolize fertility, but it has also been suggested that they were intended to function as a sort of political propaganda. However, no one really knows. Perhaps the monks just grew tired of drawing biblical scenes and went penis crazy?

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

This is why I'm a medievalist. 

[grouchiemarx]

Why am I laughing so much?

[sanityscraps]

[stonercoont]

What has the holidays come to.

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

More importantly, what has your GRAMMAR come to?

[bindersfullofwomen]

[daleyprophet]

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

Mean Girls meets: Harry Potter (part 18) - inspired by Brittany’s idea

I literally quoted that part of Mean Girls last time I watched this. It's just too perfect. 

[alpinewaters-deactivated2019020]

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

Only if the badges you knit say "GAY SCOUTS" on them. Otherwise you are on wine duty.

That can most certainly be arranged. I'll even make them rainbow. 

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

The Early Development of Leadership Skills

For too long have the many injustices of this unscholarly manifestation remained unspoken; the abomination engendered by the sheer laziness that characterizes the vast majority of our country’s teachers and professors- more commonly referred to as the “group project”. Often disguised as a ‘gift’ to the student, it offers nothing more than a means by which the teacher in question might circumvent the process of grading twenty or so term papers; the teacher need only sit back and feign an expression of interest while three or four students stand before her shaking with fury at the injustice done upon them. Unfortunately, there is little one can do in the battle over the involvement of group projects in an academic setting, though I hope to provide some assistance for surviving the tempestuous waters of group work.

Most importantly, you must, I repeat must, be an authoritarian. To most fortuitously administer this survival technique, dominance needs to be established from the moment you lock eyes with your group members. You must assume an expression of extreme hostility, and scowl menacingly until little Sarah and Michael press themselves into a corner while pleading, “Anything you want Mistress- please don’t hit me again!” Do not blink, do not show even the slightest hint of humanity; the grade you receive on your group project depends upon your callus enforcement. If you are not regarded with paralyzed fear, you will be forced to endure the simpering complaints of your subordinates:

“But mistress, you only gave me an hour to mop your floors and make our whole PowerPoint!”

This inferior performance is unacceptable, and you must punish accordingly. Even if your motherly instinct compels you to pat the little snot-nosed idiot on the back and tell him that it was all just a sick joke, you must externally convey all the compassion of a charging rhinoceros.

“Joseph! Next time you take a break to go pee, I’m telling your mommy that you used one of her tampons to stop your nosebleed at our soccer game last Saturday.”

(You may then delight as his soft little cheeks become recomposed with horror.)

I’ve said this before, but cannot impress enough the importance of keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer. Never choose to work on a group project with your best friend; they will only compromise your authority. Your cold-blooded animosity will falter beneath the knowing gaze of your oldest pal. Even on the off chance that you are able to bury your friendly affections behind your draconian exterior, the two of you will not be friends by the time your group project is finished. Admittedly, this is a small sacrifice- but you might still consider choosing someone you resent. This provides the opportunity to gain revenge on Tiffany for that time she stole your gummy bears when you were seven, as well as devise a methodical approach to your dictatorial reign without incurring any damage to your conscience.

And remember, these are life-long lessons, so do not pass up the opportunity to refine your authoritarian skills as early as kindergarten. The forerunning politicians and administrators have all been faced with these situations and made good use of their time; as every CEO will testify, leadership and fascism are practically synonymous. If your ambitions lie in politics, it would be in your best interest to develop your demagogical skills as a side project; give the posthumous Mussolini a run for his money! 

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

How To Be An Elementary School Sociopath

This piece is meant to assist those few anomalously delightful children in their voyage through the social dynamics of elementary school, by naming the most obnoxious types of children, and describing the most effective means of dealing with each. 

Undesirable Friend 1: The “Why” Child

I’m not quite sure where to begin this one, as I think we’ve all had a sufficient number of encounters with this type of child. They do not go away, either. You may rejoice upon the matriculation of your Elementary School, thinking that you have finally escaped the most obnoxious of all children- but if you have any young cousins, they will return to haunt you at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Eventually these cousins will grow up, but by this time, your siblings will have had children of their own who fit the same description. 

In terms of dealing with them, I can only suggest that you fight fire with fire. You may mistakenly answer their incessant “why” questions, believing that the child will be satisfied and leave you alone. This is not so; these children are insatiable and quick-thinking. Any answer you supply will simply lead way to another question. For this reason, you must catch them off guard by asking a question of your own, and it must be one that the child cannot answer. One of my personal favorites: “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” Then you watch as the dumbstruck child wrinkles his forehead and picks his nose.

Undesirable Friend 2: The Daredevil

“Eat my fruit cup of ketchup, grapes, milk and lard, or you’re a p***y.” Your natural response may be to reply with a blunt “I most certainly am not, but you, on the other hand, are a disgusting, attention-seeking disgrace to humanity”. However, you are a kind and mature child- and would say nothing of the sort. Instead, you keep such remarks private, and may politely respond with a simple, “Thank you for the offer, but I respectfully decline.”

Undesirable Friend 3: The Religious Zealot 

“My mommy said that Jesus doesn't like when kids celebrate Halloween.” Well, your mommy is a liar. Jesus said nothing of the sort. Perhaps you can convince Christine O’Donnell to back you up when she has finished proclaiming that she is not a witch. (You’ll learn who she is later in life, don’t you worry.)

I must insist, however, that you pay close attention to the word "zealot", as you need, by no means, to oppose all religious folk. All are free to believe what they wish; one only crosses the line when attempting to change the beliefs of others. This is what characterizes a zealot. 

In any case, religious zealots of all ages are adamant about their beliefs. It is useless to toil with them over any issue regarding God, gay marriage, abortion, or gun ownership, as they will under no circumstances make an effort to see an alternate viewpoint. Your time would be better spent silently cursing their existence in the privacy of your own brain, while nodding with approval and walking away calmly. You know the truth, and someday they will too. Or perhaps not, but this is no concern of yours. If they choose to portray themselves as unintelligible bigots, then you, by comparison, will undoubtedly be seen by all as the better (and smarter) individual. You will also be the happy child who munches on chocolate bars and lollipops for the next four months. 

Undesirable Friend 4: The Loner

You are better off not associating with them. They may seem kind and welcoming, but will probably become the forerunning serial killers of your generation. In the best of cases, they will become unbearably sarcastic and cynical toward the human race. (Such was the case of myself.) Yes, I was the class loner. You will (if you have even the slightest amount of brain power hidden beneath those childlike curls) have understood that I am nothing more than a well-spoken sociopath. As a child, my inherent innocence shielded me from the unfortunate reality characterizing the general lack of intelligence comprising most of our generation- but I am now jaded irreparably. 

As I said before, stay away from loners. They will only threaten your sanity.

Undesirable Friend 5: The Snob 

She will, in her jealousy, poke fun at you for being more appreciated by the teacher and other influential adults; she envies both your intelligence and charisma, and will go to extreme lengths to drag your self confidence to the same level as her own. Do not dismay when she puts gum in your hair or leaves a thumb-tack on your chair- relish the feeling of superiority. You are far too mature for such childish nonsense. 

While revenge may seem the best response to such debauchery, you want to avoid jeopardizing your own good standing in the eyes of the teachers and administrators. Instead, be patient. Justice will be served in good time without any action on your own part. 

She'll be bulimic someday. 

Undesirable Friend 6: The Fashionista 

Often synonymous with “The Snob”, but with a stronger emphasis on clothing. Make sure to never let her make you jealous of what she is wearing; I assure you that Abercrombie goes out of style by the time you reach high school. Stick to your guns and wear tights. Other ten year olds might make fun of you, but tights and baggy shirts are what the Parisian runway models are wearing. Each time that a flair-jeaned, Aeropostale-logo-shirted female glares at you in disgust, remember that Tyra would be proud.

Undesirable Friend 7: The Athlete 

Your ego-maniacal athletic classmate will probably calculate the precise mathematical difference of seconds/minutes between their mile time and yours, but it is exceedingly rare for an athlete to be intelligent. Each individual has his or her own talents and weaknesses, so remind him or her of the mathematical difference between your score and his/hers on the last spelling quiz. You might even provide the standard deviation of the grade spread to further his or her confusion and embarrassment. 

Note: To those of you who are neither athletic nor intelligent- try out your artistic side. Anyone can learn to draw or paint with enough practice, and you’ll soon impress your peers and parents. Even if you can't paint properly, simply make a dot in the middle of a canvas and call it  abstract. All viewers will completely ignore the lack of skill involved, and instead become baffled by the puzzling yet simplistic depth of your work.

This leads us nicely to the next type of undesirable friend...

Undesirable Friend 8: The Angsty Artist

There are a variety of personality types that can characterize an artist, though the most obnoxious is that which intentionally assumes the role of the outsider in an effort to attract attention. Take Van Gogh, for example; he did not sell a single painting in his lifetime, as he was nothing more than an insufferable primadonna. Nothing serves to prove this better than the delightful package he sent to his prostitute girlfriend, which contained the bloody remnants of his own ear. 

To avoid resentment, one must simply 'own' his or her skill and success. Even when one is insulted, one must never relinquish confidence. Pretend, for instance, that a jealous classmate points out the the discrepancies between the right and left wings of one's butterfly drawing. Rather than becoming angry and defensive, one might reply with a polite but sufficiently venomous comment about the adversary's stick figure drawings: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I must acknowledge that you, in your own composition, demonstrate remarkable expertise in your depiction of the subtle curves and undulations comprising the human form."

Undesirable Friend 9: The Teacher’s pet 

This is undoubtedly the under-recognized star of the Elementary School social circle, but they are nonetheless despicable, because they are your competition. There can only be one teacher’s pet, and that must be you. Make it your goal to outdo him or her through all of your kind acts and intelligent remarks. 

If the child in question makes an effort to befriend you, do not outright reject him or her; instead, employ your most indubitable coercive methods to falsely project your kindness upon him or her. In all likelihood, he or she is quite as sociopathic as yourself, so any effort to reach out to you is actually a means of examining your strengths and weaknesses to your own detriment. However, if you exercise extreme caution, you may be able to both hide your own vulnerabilities, as well as pick out his or hers. Then you can administer your unrivaled adaptive skills to twist his or her weaknesses to your own benefit. 

And always remember: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. 

[selfindulgenceandverbosity]

Navigating the Ethics of Academism

As a writer for whom upholding unparalleled academism is of utmost importance, my primary focus in any composition is, to put it simply, the implementation of the most indubitable procedure applicable to the work in question, with the objective of succinctly articulating the trajectory of my argument, while ceaselessly eschewing the excessive verbosity that so frequently tarnishes the compositions of my academic adversaries, as well as adamantly abstaining from the administration of magniloquently lengthy sentences. 

But enough about style; I progress now to the proper employment of extraneous sources, which I only seldom find to be of the remotest assistance, as there are only an infinitesimal number of writers in our universe possessed of insight rivaling my own. More often than not, I find it entirely unbearable to read more than a sentence or two without sighing disdainfully and dismissing it as unequivocal poppycock. 

Howbeit, on the rare occasion that I find a source of such credibility that my brows raise and my lips part in utter bewilderment, I am subjected nonetheless to the unfortunate and terribly arduous task of citing sources. Naturally, I paraphrase more often than quote directly, as my own word choice is undoubtedly more eloquent and effectively readable than anything anyone else could possibly render into words. For example, Shakespeare says: “To be, or not to be? That is the question.” While I could predictably introduce this quote into an essay with the phrase, "Hamlet asks,”, I wish not to burden my works with material that is not my own; after all, instructors are never fond of students who encumber their essays with quotations. Instead, I will paraphrase this excerpt; in so doing, I shall avoid implementing trite literary rubbish (known colloquially as “quotes”), as well as let my unrivaled academism shine. In light of this, my hypothetical paper might read something along the lines of the following:

Hamlet expresses his existential torment by presenting the unconjugated form of the most mundane verb signifying existence and residence, followed by the negation thereof, after which he declares that deciphering which of these two dichotomous circumstances will lead him to emotional and physical prosperity is his most urgent inquiry (Shakespeare III.i).  

Although one will never be led astray in following this example, I do acknowledge that certain professors require that students include quotations- despite their absurd inefficiency and obstruction of the creative process. Luckily, there is a rather simple way to entirely circumvent the problem, so long as the sources required are meant to portray a controversial viewpoint. 

As mentioned earlier, it has always been incredibly rare for me to approve of the sources available on any given topic. A few years back, my innovation led me to a practically infallible solution: the falsification of quotes. First of all, no teacher has both the diligence and patience required to properly check the validity of the documents listed on the Works Cited pages of several dozen essays. In all likelihood, he or she is too preoccupied with the enraging misuse of coordinating conjunctions to examine a Works Cited further than the basic formatting. Admittedly, not all are capable of fortuitously administering this technique of quote falsification, as it requires one to undergo a literary metamorphosis both stylistically and thematically. For those who, like myself, are capable of inventing and embodying the existence of another (real or fictitious), the satisfaction is unparalleled. There has not been a single moment in my entire life more pleasing than the day I received an A+ on a paper in which I expressed an opinion of my own in the form of a quote, which I claimed was spoken by a fifty-something year old psychology professor from the University of Minnesota who specialized in the Freudian Psychic Apparatus. 

Be warned, however: falsifying quotes by people who actually exist in a document that is to be widely distributed could have repercussions far greater than the wounded pride of a mediocre literary analysis; the individual in question could sue for the misrepresentation of his or her viewpoints. Common sense is a must. After all, would President Obama be happy if a right-wing extremist attempted to undermine his credibility by falsely claiming that he occasionally indulges in water-boarding suspected terrorists in his basement? No, you silly goose!

One must also note the distinction between innocent and unethical falsification; this difference very much resembles the line between white lies and those that will earn a child twenty lashings. Again, I must emphasize the importance of common sense. There are a plethora of reasons for which humans lie, and it would be absurd to claim that all lies are inherently evil. Could any benign soul refuse to tell a friend that her low-rise jeans fit her well, when her voluptuous muffin-top would unquestionably horrify the Pillsbury Doughboy?

I thought not.