Intimately Exploring the Intricacies of Existing

This is an experiment. We get to ride the wave together and see what happens. 🌻

[sensingdenise]

I'm growing.

Learning to not back down from challenges in life is something else. Our brains instinctively want to keep us safe and away from perceived dangers and it feels quite easy and safe to sit stagnant in that kind of "safety". No longer do I wish too choose this stifling... safety.

[sensingdenise]

Uncovering.

I convinced myself I was stumbling. When in reality I put sticks on my path to trip on. Intentionally slowing myself down, and weighing my shoulders in fear. It's kind of crazy really. Life took many days of pulling pack hardened layers of perceived protection. I express gratitude for the many times they have softened the blows of rejection and missed opportunities. Now I simply am larger than that shell I created for that "me".

[sensingdenise]

I was coming here to dump. Now I won't though, because when the page opened I lost the urge.... :/

[sensingdenise]

In love I leave myself bare. This practice has left me battered but learned. Cradling each time a seed of hope of finding the gardener that wants to create honestly with me. Maybe desperation or being so blindly trusting lead me to a road more complex. More thorns, caves, fog, cold rains, and angry waters. Understanding my choices brought me here, they would also bring me out. This journey of change has been bewildering. I stopped trying to find a gardener, I now just want to see what I can grow from my passions, desires, lessons, and adventures. Maybe there will be a gardener suitable and wanting to grow with me when I reach the place we want to be, maybe there will be one on the way excited to journey on the way.

My seed of hope glowed in my curled grip. Warmed against my chest and loved from myself. Wanting to see the magic this seed is capable of I feel honored to keep journeying. What new world am I connecting to, what were the lands that helped create me? What are we seeking, my seed and I, to create out of love and hope? The faintest pulse... in my hand. I should loosen my grip, I'd hate to crush my own hope.

[sensingdenise]

Juicy

I want to walk around feeling like a fully ripened peach. You smell my sweet honey scent drifting off my petals before you turn the corner by my tree. A smile slipping across your face, eyes softening, step bouncing... Imagine the euphoria of experiencing me. Lips coated in juices surprisingly cool in the heat. Tongue chasing the drops that escape. Sweet like the first sun rays on Sundays. Can you feel my excitement bursting behind your teeth. Do you feel this dance SLIDING into your belly.

This became something I don't know... will try again.

Let's see how this changes.

[sensingdenise]

The Long Game

Say my name sweetly. Whisper tenderly between tendrils of loose hair. Curl gentle fingers under my ribs, press hot fingers into my waist. Let me indulge in their exploration. Let this warmth spread across me and consume my clothing. Gain access to my skin. Smooth and plump... to the touch. Don't tease me, I can almost taste you on my lips. I'm eager... I'm excited... My cheeks ache from smiling at you. My eyes dance to catch yours. Burnt honey glazed in the sun, warmer than any shade I've ever encountered.

[sensingdenise]

Happy Birthday

Today I have dreamed of, pondered over, fantasized, and cried about. at certain points I didn't think I'd be able to spend this time with you. Time and time again you show me why I want an extraordinary love with you. I'm happier than you are maybe. And it's your birthday. I've seen you smile today. I heard you laugh today. I could smell you and feel your touch. Giddy with happiness I couldn't be any more pleased.

How do you do this...? My heart races, my body sweats, my palms cool, eyes dart flirtingly.... you make me fall a to pieces in warm tenderness... Just for existing. Thank you.

Happy Birthday. Although you seem to be the gift.

[classicglowup]

Things to be focused on over getting with some dusty lil boy that wants to waste your time and can’t provide you anything:

- Getting your passport

- Getting your drivers license

- Getting your own car

- Paying off any and all debt that you owe

- Having a Savings Account with at least 10k in it

- Having a credit card that you only use for a couple of small automatic purchases linked directly to your checking account

- Building good credit (see above 3)

- Not wasting money eating and drinking out as much

- Learning to cook for yourself (see above)

- Perfecting your everyday makeup routine

- Growing your hair out

- Building an every day and night skin routine

- Finding your signature fragrance

- Investing in an at home nail kit

- Doing some sort of physical activity at least 3 times a week

- Finding your signature style

- Getting some sort of certificate, license or degree in a field you want to be in to have a CAREER not just a job

[sensingdenise]

What a timely listing to find.

[sensingdenise]

As we grow and age, it is apparent how much more we are met with cautionary tales and unsolicited advice on how to live the 'best'. Most of these notes are fear based or soaked in jealously. We are so diverse as a collective that we should not try to hold so tight to just what we 'know/feel' as true. We miss out on living and rob the world of great exploration and intelligence. it just isn't fair to any of us. We all suffer stagnancy this way.

[sensingdenise]

It's annoying to admit how much I miss him.

I fell in love at first sight ya'll. Before I had a clear view of his face and body every cell in my body was pulled to him. Never had I felt so true to any emotion. And it's beyond me how such a love managed to not be before me this lifetime.

Pulling myself together looks so different after this breakup. It was like getting to lick the cake batter spoon and not eat the cake. Or worse even... getting to ice the cake and cut a slice, only to give it away to everyone but myself. Being so close to that blissful love made all of me over joyed. I learned how much I still genuinely want to care for another partner and to build empires and dreams with them. To feel like I had that and to have watched it drip unpleasantly between my fingers... it was crushing.

In the end it ultimately became me to draw a line in our sand because we weren't who we needed. I still so badly want/wanted to be for him. To care for him, cater to him, just be tender and exciting and adventurous. Give him no reason to even remember how to frown. I'm just fucking mad, and sad, and I want to hide from the world.

But I have to live.

[sensingdenise]

5 am. snores, wind, weed, and baby sweat

Sleeping is a little something I should be doing right now but boy can a change of scenery affect how well we sleep. Blissful nights of sleep I never appreciated properly, where all I did was close my eyes and sleep found me. Never nights that seemed too be unecessary infernos, or artic tundras. As I tossed in bed, admired my son (since I wasn't alseep), and fought to find a position suitable to allow sleep to grace me; I just thought about how this new space on my internet felt neglected. In turn making me feel like I rejected myself.

Here, I am faceless by choice, and for now unplanned and organic. Interested in learning what's innately important to me, when the pressure of 'being' is not hovering over my words to crtique what I think. Creating this space to relax from the unwarranted criticism so there would be chance and change for me to know who my brain is now with 30 approaching on a sunrise closer than yesterday. For me to survive life there had to be a lot of editing and sanitizing of my thougts to not "disrupt" the vibes, or not make it feel like my statement/comments were a challenge. Leading me down a path that called for censorship instead of honesty.

I feel different in life and that gives me a new strength that I wasn't sure I had access too. Desiring less to be accepted, always and everywhere, to instead wanting to be surrounded in truth. No more sugar coated statements and softened responses. I want to just say. I desire the feedom of just speaking without the responsibility of being accountable for how someone else feels. Truth be told I don't believe anyone has ever been this 'polite' about my feelings ever.... How did find myself being so... bamboozled.

[sensingdenise]

It’s nice to be in love.

I wanted to get on here last night and express sweetly the good and warm feelings of falling in love. Be it once, twice, etc... There were a few sentences I managed to type and immediately felt like I was putting on a show to be happy for whomever came across my writing. Why did I feel it was necessary to be “happy” for a potential passerby, instead of honest for myself. Unintentionally laying the burden of someone else’s heart on my own. Was the idea of protecting someone’s fantasy or hopes of love less burdensome than looking into my own heart to heal.

Like a feeble attempt to protect myself from having to relive the parts of love that didn’t feel as beautiful as others. To be able to avoid my own mistakes in love and continue to be covered in my rose colored memories. It doesn’t help the healing none. Instead it’s like being on a trampoline against your wishes. Forced to bounce high and low violently. Leaving you breathless, and anxious.

[sensingdenise]

The First...

I am always nervous about my first post. So much that at times I have avoided creating it, because then I couldn’t make a mistake or fail on the journey before me. The first post holds what becomes the very foundation of my creative space. Is it strange to begin with the expression of being worrisome? Is being vulnerable the way to start? Unguarded? Unattached? Uncovered?

From this journey I want to see my writing, understanding, creativity, and overall joy improve. As liberating writing is for me, I desire to also have it fulfill my need to learn something. Having those two roles filled, liberation and learning, makes for a joyous writing journey.

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Although this feels sterile... I realize this is what I have. To allow myself to feel good about this is revolutionary for me. Posting this... groundbreaking. I am shy about feeling unfinished with a project(work) and sharing it for others to see. The feeling of having to protect my thoughts before they are judged prematurely or unfairly, is exhausting. Giving myself permission to post this neat release of thoughts without adding “excess” fluff for content is nice for me and my anxiety.

We should feel good about what we make happen no matter how small.