A Blog About Rain.

A sad blog. But getting less sad day by day.

[sentientism]

2.4.2022

Where the hell’s the time gone? How am I supposed to move on? Swallow all my doubts down, Paint a smile over my frown?

Days used to be easy, No one called me crazy. I look back on who I was, Skinny frame and always buzzed. People never made much sense, but could let down my defense. Now I don’t get over things. Now I live behind the wings.

Nothing ever starts new. Wish I never met you. People come and people go I don’t take them with me, though.

Inside my chest my hollow breath Blows me closer to my death. I never seem to have enough, and each exhale just feels more rough.

But less is more, or so they say, and everything will be okay The past is past, and now is now and I wear heartbreak like a crown.

Guess I didn’t get over it, Just packed it away for a bit, But I could never tell you -- The words would never ring quite true.

Can’t say I know what it means, But your voice, it haunts my dreams. Never mind, I’ve said too much. Just block me out, don’t stay in touch. Please just forget the things you heard. I swear I’ll never say a word.

How can they all think I’m cold? I always die when I’m alone, feeling things I can’t describe, Lights flash on, and I can’t hide from these fucking feelings, they keep me always bleeding And I know it’s all my fault, that this cage is the one i bought, fought and fucking asked for  trying hard to stall the war, to do the things I wish I’d done -- At least I took away your gun.

Can’t call us friends, I can’t concede. There are things from friends I need. Things I’ll never get from you You made that clear, I’ll take your cue.

So why do I keep trying, And how are you denying All the things you put me though? Must I always punish you For nights that I spent crying, thinking I was dying?

I just thought that you knew me,  that you could see right through me I’m sorry that I can’t pretend that you tried to be my friend.

Guess I was afraid of you Of all the things I'd seen you do Is that so hard to comprehend? Don’t you know that all good things must end?

[sentientism]

I’m just so, so tired of it.  Of being disappointed in people. In loving people who turn out to be someone I never actually knew. 

It started small. Normal things. Brian Sanders cheated on his girlfriend with me. I thought I wanted to be with him but when they broke up and he tried to go forward, it felt so wrong. The fact that he could cheat on her like that destroyed the image of him I had in my head. And the image I had of him was unfair, but still. It messed with me. 

I guess the next major thing was Allison, but I really don’t think I need to go into that. She had her own demons, and I don’t think about it anymore, really. But it is another piece of the pattern. 

I guess Cody was next. Thought I’d found a kindred spirit, a real friend I could lean on and trust for advice, but he dropped me as soon as he found a real girlfriend. I can’t really blame him too much, but he had actually told me that wasn’t something he was going to do. I wish he hadn’t lied. 

Then Dustin. Another one where... I don’t even know what to say about him. I’m sure he cared about me. Looking back, his anger was a problem from the very beginning. But I needed him to help me through those long nights. I needed him to soften the blows I was dealing to myself. I think I just outgrew him. I outgrew excusing him for not taking any action. And once I was out... I’m still just hurt by the fact that I never knew that he was a bad friend. If I had known the way he treats his friends, I don’t know that I would have stood up for him. I really don’t think he treats me any worse than anyone else. He just doesn’t think about the way other people will react to his behaviors. He claims to be concerned for others, but it only reaches to the parts of them that will affect him. I grieve for the friend I thought I had. Maybe one day he’ll come back. But I’m done holding my breath for him. 

With Ben, I thought it couldn’t get any worse. How the hell could it? I couldn’t imagine something so sinister, so malevolent, so malicious, coming from someone like you. But I looked past the parts of you that were rotten, and Dustin saw them immediately. I guess I need someone like that around. It just makes me sick to my stomach, imagining the affection and the grooming you set upon this child, this person you were supposed to be helping. Instead you tried to tie her to you. I don’t think I can forgive you for it, because you’re too damn smart to have not been doing it on purpose. It really messed me up. How could I have been fooled so completely?

How did it happen again? I grow to love people so seamlessly I never seem to notice when it’s happened. I was in a state of denial, blaming myself for being something people always wanted but could never bring themselves to admit it. But you, Will, what you really wanted was just too much. You don’t get to excuse yourself by claiming to be in love. You are an adult. They were a child, and you were in a position of inherent power over them. There’s no way that could ever be okay. It’s not just an age thing. You can’t just pretend not to have been their fucking teacher. There’s no way to not mess them up from this. I know. I fucking know, and I know that they probably think this is what they want, and hell, it probably is what they want, but that doesn’t matter because if you loved them, if you truly loved them, you would not subject them to the trauma you’re building inside of them. Fuck, I used to think so highly of you. I’ve never had my heart broken so suddenly, so without warning. At least with Dustin I knew it was coming. At least with Ben I had seen the signs. There was nothing, absolutely nothing I could have done. 

Not short of disallowing myself from ever trusting anyone. But that’s a part of myself I actually treasure. I want to be able to connect with people that way. I want deep, loving friendships, I want to know hard truths and secrets, but fuck, I don’t want to keep finding out things this earth shattering. I can forgive a lot. Probably more than most could. So how is it that I somehow attract people who find the most fucking insane ways to hurt me, to disappoint me?

[berylliumoxide]

if you're reading this, it's a sign that everything is going to be alright.

[sentientism]

It’s almost two years since we broke up. I’m still kind of upset about it, but choosing not to let it get to me.

It’s not that I’m upset that we broke up. I just think about where I was, the situation I was in two years ago... it all makes me sad.

I mean, two years isn’t that long, really. It’s not even half as long as we were together. 

Things are easier with Blazer, and the way I feel about him is... different. When I call him my boyfriend, it doesn’t feel like an awkward placeholder. Maybe I’ve just gotten more comfortable with the word. I’m not sure.

It still kind of just feels like you’ve died or something. I’m grieving for the person I thought you were, and occasionally being reminded of how much I didn’t know you.

I don’t think I should have listened to your old friends. You have issues, but they aren’t the issues they put on you. But fuck, it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak.

Or maybe it would have ended with me having no one there to stop me from banging my head against the shower wall. Maybe it would have ended up without me. I don’t know. 

I guess just the effect you had on my life is visible, and there’s still a hole where you fit. Not in the same way. But it’s uncomfortable for me not to have you around at all. But I know the feeling isn’t mutual. 

Not that I have a problem with that. It’s become clear you’re not a positive presence even when you are around. So it’s better that you’re not.

It’s just a sadness about things that I can’t, and don’t want to, change. It’s just memories. And this time of year is always going to be hard. 

[sentientism]

14

Oops, vodka makes me fuck people. (shrug emoji)

[sentientism]

I’m glad things worked out the way they have (:

[sentientism]

21

I never thought I would fuck someone I knew in high school, much less you! Plus you’re a much better lay than I expected. I hope this goes on because I love the low drama nature. 

[sentientism]

hahahahhahahahahahhah

low drama my ass

[sentientism]

“Breathe. It’s only a bad day, not a bad life.”

— Johnny Depp (via enemaroberts)

[sentientism]

24

Wow I really probably shouldn’t have fucked you. But once I got into dom mode I honestly couldn’t stop. And having the power and control over you was too tempting.

[sentientism]

How can you tell if someone just isn’t a good friend versus when they don’t actually want to be friends with you? Does it really matter? Either they’re just a bad friend, in which case I shouldn’t bother putting myself out there for them, or they don’t want me to do that in the first place. Maybe I should give up on him.

[sentientism]

I just realized that it’s kind of like the way I used to feel about Kaelyn. And ultimately it just takes time to feel better about it. There’s not really anything I can do to make it better. Just try not to let it affect other people.

Last night was better, I think. I just had a few moments of gut wrenching. I wish it didn’t make me so sad but I guess that’s just how it goes.

[sentientism]

Maybe the reason breakups get worse when you get older is because you get increasingly fucked up by the world. So each time you find someone you have to be more supported to heal from the last time you were ripped open.

Is there a way to love someone without destroying them?

[sentientism]

14

Oops, vodka makes me fuck people. (shrug emoji)

[sentientism]

Oops, I fell into a relationship

[sentientism]

Also I’m feeling really guilty because Dustin is pursuing another emotionally unavailable promiscuous femme, which is really a terrible choice of partner for him as someone who needs emotional support and has always hated non-monogamy (at least when it comes to his friends fucking men who he knows). But people don’t usually want to fuck strangers. They want to fuck their friends because they like and trust them. So why is that worse? Sorry, that’s just me being frustrated about shit that doesn’t involve me anymore.

I’m afraid I fucked him up. But I’m also afraid that’s just a really self centered thing to think. I don’t want to think I have that much influence on him. I want him to never have to think about me. And he probably doesn’t. But right now I’m thinking about him a lot because he’s scaring me and it feels weird to think about him not being affected by me when it’s having such an impact on my side. But again. That’s probably just self centered thinking.

[sentientism]

This week has been really weird. I keep getting unpleasant reminders of shit that happened six years ago, like the weird Tom Milsom apology video and Felix bringing up Allison’s friend being their ex out of nowhere. It feels like I’m being pulled into the past and it’s fucking with my head.

On top of that being really worried about Dustin is hard, too, especially since I can’t talk to Felix because they remind me of Brodie and Allison so much. I don’t really know what to do and I feel like I’m obsessing over it and that’s not how I want to be. But at the same time he looks like all the life has gone out of him. I wish I could just talk to him about it but that’s something he hates doing. He’ll just shut down.

My paranoia has been really bad lately and I’m basically gaslighting myself at this point. Wondering if I’m just crazy and reading too much into things. I’m almost always right about this kind of thing and I know (or maybe knew?) him better than anyone.

But I also feel like my concern for him is bothering Blazer. I know that he has his own issues with feelings of inadequacy. I wish he didn’t work third shift.

Whatever. I’m doing okay. I just have to remember to take a step back from my own head.

[wolfteacreations]

ekl skull

[poems-and-word]

[se1fcare-deactivated20170911]