tw vent, transphobia (internalized), s ideation kinda, and also semi-poetic whining
life update i can feel myself slipping into 4tran mentality in real time 👍 this is definitely okay and not at all the worst thing thats ever happened to me 👍👍👍
for real though. recently i found that there is a lot of hatred in me, related to being trans. i hate myself - obviously. i hate cis men because they're cis and i'm not, and they have everything i need and want. i hate my attraction to them, because my sexual gratification or romantic feelings end with a breakdown on my bathroom floor and this terrible grief in me. i hate other trans men who pass better/had better starting points/lucked out/started t earlier/are far along in their transition. i hate trans women because of how comfortable and beautiful they are in femininity. i hate non-dysphoric trans people, because i could have had what they have, but i live in constant pain instead. i hate cis women, because i could have been one of them if only my brain worked a little different, but i'm fucking not.
that is not to say i actually hate these people. i'm jealous, and i can recognize that. the only person i truly hate is myself, and even that is arguable, since i only hate the parts responsible for my pain, or maybe the dumb coincidences that amounted to me turning out like this. i'm doing my very best to not let this envy affect my relationship with people in my life or how i treat strangers. i truly do not mean to do any harm to anyone. it has affected things, though; my relationship with my (cis) brother is soured, and he doesn't even know why. i have become a genuinely unpleasant person to be around no matter how hard i try to stifle it, because i carry all this rage in me constantly.
i thought briefly about detransitioning since my mind tells me i will never be seen as a man anyway, but the thought itself made me want to jump off a bridge. i am simultaneously happier than ever and the most miserable - happy because finally, my voice is starting to drop, my period is stopping, i can breathe for the first time since forever. miserable because it's all happening so slow, and i have to put so much effort in just to keep that tiniest ray of light. i go to the gym 4 times a week. i'm "girlmodding" there, since i don't pass at all without a binder and carefully crafted outfits i obviously can't work out in. i'm so tired of this, so fucking exhausted, but i know that if i stop, i will feel even worse.
i know T doesn't fix all of your issues. i know it doesnt work overnight. i know i need a mindset change. i know i'm just a dramatic self-centered asshole who can't pull himself the fuck together to save his life. i wish i was different, i truly do. i don't really know how to stop, though.
